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Walking Away from Suicide – Part 3 of 3

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This is Part 3 of a 3 part series. See Part 1 and Part 2 here.

By Muhammad Zafar

Part 3: Thank You Allah for All my Problems

The Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) said, “Verily, the hearts of all the children of Adam are between the two fingers of Allah. He turns them wherever He wills.” Then he said, “O Allah, the Turner of the hearts, turn our hearts towards Your obedience.” (Sahih Muslim)

Alhamdulilah, things started to slowly improve after that. I didn’t have an epiphany, but I did start to improve slowly. I would learn a lesson one day and then a couple of weeks or months later learn something else. There wasn’t a miracle that came and changed things, it wasn’t something that simple either.

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The bottom line was: Things didn’t really improve…I improved.

I felt like I really started to mature. I didn’t care much for failure anymore. I started to look at things differently. I became more and more independent, started to spend time with friends and started to  get into the things that interested me. I stopped comparing myself to others and just worried about the things that would benefit me. I would start to go out of my way to please friends, family, brothers at the Mosque and even strangers (for Allah) and in a short time I started to feel better.

My sister once sat down and told me, “I think there were a lot of people telling you what to do” – it was her way of apologizing. I just smiled when I heard that and told her, “It’s in the past.”

Thinking Positively

I started to think more positively about Allah, how short-sighted I had been, subhanAllah! The more positively I thought about Allah, the more  I started to understand things clearly.

The odd thing was, not much had changed from before. My problems were still there, but my mind wasn’t occupied with them as much anymore. The biggest difference now was I didn’t care as much. I wanted to read on things which interested me, I wanted to listen to lectures, I wanted to spend time with my sisters and their kids, I wanted to spend time with friends, I wanted to sit down and converse with my mom – and I wanted to do it so that Allah would be more pleased with me. The more I did it, and the more I went out of my way to do it, the more felt my life became balanced. That balance brought me not happiness, but contentment.

I couldn’t make sense of it. I didn’t make it large. I didn’t acquire this world’s riches, I didn’t become famous, I didn’t even accomplish much. Yet I felt like I was where I wanted to be or heading to where I wanted to go. It is what has led me to strongly and whole-heartedly believe that tranquility and happiness isn’t in money, respect from people, one’s job or education – it’s in thinking more and more upon what will make Allah pleased with you.

Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) is the Best Teacher/Guide/Helper/Caregiver

namesofallahPeople could say what they wanted about where I worked – I enjoyed it and was relaxed, so why would their opinions matter? My family friends could look down on me if they wanted – but would their approval or disapproval change my connection with Allah?

I felt at peace with who I was. I didn’t feel I needed to be accepted by others. I just had to be confident in who I was. The iman that entered my heart gave me the confidence I never thought existed. It helped me to speak up when, at one point, I never thought I could. I started to expect less and less from others and more and more from Allah. I stopped freaking out at mishaps. My anger at the world turned to forgiveness. I just started to let things go. I was in control of my emotions now, they weren’t in control of me. So I did what I really should have done long ago, I started to thank Allah for all the tough times I had.

I stopped forcing things on myself and started to live a more relaxed life. Now I wanted to study. I realized how much interest I always had in history and decided to pursue a degree in it. For the first time in my life I felt confident I could actually do it. It didn’t feel impossible to me anymore.

And when I felt content despite not seeing any difference in my life, my fear of failure went away. Today I am working and doing very well in my studies but, more importantly, able to live and breathe in peace.

What would I say to a Muslim who wanted to commit suicide? Simple. A reminder of a hadith from the Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) who 3 days before his death said:

Let none of you die unless he has good expectations from Allah. [Sahih Muslim]

Every person owes it to themselves to search for all the good Allah has placed within the trials of their lives. The only way to unveil the good hidden within hardships is to think positively about Allah. One would commit the greatest injustice to himself dying with bad expectations of Allah.

Twice in my life I considered taking my life. Truth be told, I would love to meet Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) as soon as possible, but I’ll let Him decide when He wants that to be. I just know I have a lot of work that needs to be done in the meantime.

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6 Comments

6 Comments

  1. unknown

    March 10, 2015 at 8:34 PM

    i have no confidence, i feel lile a loser, a waste of space, im no one, i dont want to be known by people, i really just want Allah. I want Allah to love me , i need Allah i just want to feel it, to feel and know that He isn’t mad at me, that He doesn’t hate me! I wish He’d love me i wish i mattered to Him, but I’m never good enough… I’m not a good person and anything i try never matters, it’s never good enough i swear i wish i was His friend i wish He would accept me. I feel like garbage. Everyone tries so Hard for the sake of Allah but im such a wuss all i do is CRY!!! And whine, im just so stupid. So stupid. If anyone else had my life and all the opportunities i have they’d make so much of it… but me, i don’t do crap! I dont do anything… im worthless…. so stupid..

    Reply

    • Amir

      November 10, 2015 at 12:40 PM

      Well, I don’t know you, but your opinions about your self are so awful and negative. I want to know why you have these opinions about yourself. I can tell you for sure that you are not going to feel good with these ideas about. These ideas and beliefs are poisonous, let me tell you, as someone suffering with self esteem problems for a life time. Yes, they are poisonous. Please join the muslim anxiety community: http://www.educatedanxiety.com.

      Reply

  2. Qasim

    March 17, 2015 at 11:26 AM

    For the comment above
    May Allah give you sabar in these hard times. Allah no doubt loves you you’re very precious to him I read once that Allah loves you 70 times more than the mother that gave birth to you. Your mother will never reject you or think your stupid so why would the creator of the universe think that?.
    The problem that your having is that your too cretrical of yourself in your own head this is probably due to other people’s judgements through your life. Those that have become successful in this world or the hereafter will no doubt fail but they won’t beat them selfs up they’ll just keep trying until it works. Allah forgives murderers, rapists providing they are sincere so ask yourself why would Allah hate you?
    My advice is to Learn to live with respecting yourself and don’t take your thoughts seriously imagine if your never had a judgement against yourself what would you think.
    See a psychologist that can help you through some limiting beliefs that you hold for yourself.
    May Allah bless with all his love.

    Peace

    Reply

  3. G

    May 1, 2015 at 12:23 AM

    SubhanAllaah, mankind is the best of creation. Allaah has guided your heart to acknowledge His mercy, His love and most of all, His authority in being worshipped. If Allaah choose to guide your heart, then how can you say that you’re worthless before Allaah? Guidance to Islam, the recognition of it, is the Greatest blessing. Alhumdolilah Allaah has chosen your heart and guided it yearn for His love and Acceptance and pleasure. This is the first step towards success, may Allaah ease for you your situation and help you out of your current thought process. No body is born perfect or can attain perfection, we all progress gradually. Be patient and Allaah will improve your situation.
    My Duas are with you. And help from your local imam or a professional can speed up the process.

    Reply

  4. N

    July 11, 2015 at 7:41 PM

    I feel a little at ease from reading this series. This story is giving some hope which is better than no hope and I how I have felt so bad for the past week and prior.

    These are living examples, and maybe allah is trying to call me back to him, since I have lost all hope in him and was angry at how much Ive been tested and negativity in my mind.

    To the “unknown” person that commented above: First you have to love yourself and be patient with yourself, it wil take time and take each day as it comes. Being too hard on your self willnot make things better, you will fall deeper and deeper in this dark whole. I would highly recommend counseling or therapy to start with as it will help you along this process as I am also doing this.

    Take care and god bless

    Reply

  5. Amir

    November 10, 2015 at 12:42 PM

    Again, I wanted to say that I really enjoyed this 3 part series. I read it right now in one go. It’s interesting how things became so much more positive for you in the 3rd part. I have yet to reach that in my struggles, but a work in progress.

    Take care, and I hope to hear from you.

    Reply

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