10 Lessons After 10 Years Of Marriage

I can’t believe that l celebrated 10 years of marriage with my husband this December, mashaAllah! These 10 years feel like it has been just a month but also 100 years at the same time. There have been good times and bad times and everything in between. To force myself to reflect meaningfully on this life milestone, I wrote down ten lessons I’ve learned along the way. I divided the lessons into three categories: myself, my spouse, and marriage in general. 

MYSELF

1. Investing in Myself is Better for the Marriage

Invest in yourself [PC: Maria (unsplash)]

2. Smaller Setbacks Become Bigger with Time

When unaddressed, smaller setbacks can grow into more significant obstacles over time. Sometimes, I’ve thought that a minor issue isn’t significant enough to take the time and energy to improve or resolve. However, these minor infractions can conglomerate into mountains that require tons of energy to dismantle and rectify. When left to fester, smaller setbacks transform into what I perceive as patterns of annoying or hurtful behavior, even though my spouse hasn’t done it intentionally. As the years have gone by, I’ve gotten better at quickly picking up on what I don’t want to be the norm because I know it will come to a head later if not addressed now. 

3 Every Big Disagreement has a Deep-Rooted Emotion Underneath

Do you know that iceberg chart? We’ve all seen it. “Go deeper,” the counselor says. “Now go one level deeper. And one more level after that.” It’s never just about the issue at hand, because we’re complex emotional creatures intertwined as a married couple. If I’m upset about him asking how much milk to feed the baby, it might in reality be me feeling overwhelmed trying to figure out how to raise a baby. If he’s upset the dishes are left in the sink, it might actually be him feeling unappreciated. It’s always a much deeper issue than what appears on the surface. I must be honest with myself and vulnerable enough with my partner to share what’s truly bothering me about a big disagreement. 

MY SPOUSE

4. My Spouse Can’t Be My Everything

Many of us learned that our spouses can’t be our everything during the early days of the COVID-19 pandemic, so this lesson isn’t big news. I’ve learned that when I need a break from it all, my husband can’t take the spot of my sisters or girlfriends. He is my confidant, but I’ve learned it’s okay not to share every worry or thought with him because it can cause harm to our relationship. I have to invest time and energy into the spaces my husband can’t fill for me, and if I ask him to overextend himself, no one ends up happy.   

5. Stay Curious and Open-Minded about My Spouse

If I placed my husband from 10 years ago next to my husband from today, they wouldn’t be the same. Staying curious about my spouse instead of assuming I know everything there is to know about him allows me to be open-minded enough to accept who he currently is and how he is showing up in our relationship right now. I often find myself asking my husband strange hypothetical questions to see if I can discover something new about how he thinks or perceives the world. Thinking I know everything there is to know about him spoils the adventure that is still unfolding in front of us.  

MARRIAGE IN GENERAL

6. Love is a Verb, and Mercy is a Choice

It’s a popular saying among the married: love isn’t a feeling; it’s a verb you act upon. But as someone who didn’t fall in love and get married after years of dating, l always think of the verse that ties love and mercy together.

Yes, love is meant to be shown through actions so my partner can receive it. Expressing love is something I try to incorporate into daily habits. And yet, there are times when I am so frustrated, either with my husband or anything else, that practicing love is impossible. Those are the moments when extending mercy becomes crucial. If I can’t act lovingly, can I at least act mercifully?

In the instances when I act callously or cruelly towards my husband, it destroys the love I’ve worked so carefully to build. Love and mercy are a tag-teaming duo that jumps in and out of the ring with us every day. 

7. Marriage has Seasons

Marriage has different seasons [PC: Wes Hicks (unsplash]

8. The Tedium of Life Must be Addressed

Do you know what kills the vibe? The electricity getting shut off because no one’s paid the electric bill in three months, and the final notice hasn’t been seen because no one’s opened the mail. If life is going up in flames around me because I am terrible at adulting and can’t figure out how to work with my co-captain, it will surely ruin my marriage. The tedium of living life and arranging the household must be addressed in whatever fashion both parties agree to. Whenever our lives become more dysfunctional, I become more disgruntled with nearly everything, including my marriage. Household affairs don’t have to be perfect. Still, there needs to be a coordinated plan that works well enough, is clearly communicated and agreed upon, and is subsequently adjusted as life changes. 

9. Both Sides of the Family are Unique

Over the past decade, I’ve learned that all families are beautiful and complicated in their own ways, and that there is no such thing as an ideal family. Staying inquisitive and nonjudgmental has helped me notice the differences in our families and how that impacts our dealings with each other. Differences can be good, bad, and neutral. When it comes to communication and conflict resolution, knowing our families’ norms helps me navigate conflict more quickly and effectively, depending on which side is involved. The additional layer of complexity is that our family dynamics and individuals within both families are not static, so what may have been the case when I was 15, living at home with everyone, may no longer be relevant. Embracing the perks and accepting the flaws in both families help us find the best and mitigate the not-so-best as life goes along. 

10. Accept That it Can Never Be Equal

A-team [PC: Sandy Miller (unsplash)]

It sounds reasonable and fair, but splitting everything equally is impossible. Striving towards being equitable over equal is an essential and complicated possibility, but the inevitability of one person giving more in certain areas is a reality to come to terms with. When I give more, I give more knowing that he gives more in different ways. I shouldn’t keep the tabs and write “I-O-U’s” on his behalf that I cash out when he is in a better position to give later. I’m hoping for my reward with Allah for all the extra I do, not him. Part of accepting that it can never be equal also helps me understand how to avoid overextending myself and giving when it’s outside of my capacity to do so. It’s okay not to give 50% or even 1% sometimes if it’s better for the marriage. 

10 Years Down…Many Lessons Left to Learn!

10 years into our marriage, I’m surprised at how much I have yet to learn and discover about myself, my spouse, and what I expect of marriage in general. If you had told me when I was single that making my marriage stronger involves working more on myself than anything else I would not have believed you! So that’s my biggest takeaway as I look forward to the next 10 years inshaAllah. 

Related:

– [Podcast] Happily Ever After (Ep 3) | Are Muslim Marriages Doomed?

– Getting to Know A Potential Husband/Wife? 3 Questions To Ask Yourself First.