The Why Behind Our Actions | Night 24 with the Qur’an

This series is a collaboration between Dr. Ali and MuslimMatters, bringing Quranic wisdom to the questions Muslim families are navigating.

Raising Children with Ikhlas in the Age of Social Media — Sincerity, Performance, and the Slow Drift

There is a parenting challenge that didn’t exist a generation ago — and most Muslim parents haven’t fully reckoned with it.

Your teenager is growing up in an environment where virtue is performed publicly by default. Where the good deed undocumented is the good deed that didn’t quite happen. Where the metric of whether something matters is whether people responded to it.

And you are trying to raise a Muslim whose good deeds are for Allah.

Those two realities are in direct tension. And tonight’s episode addresses that tension directly.

This guide is for the parent who wants to understand what their teenager received tonight — and how to reinforce it in a home environment that takes ikhlas seriously.

Why this topic is more urgent now than ever before

The Prophet ﷺ described riya — doing good for an audience other than Allah — as al-shirk al-asghar, the minor shirk. And he said it was what he feared most for his ummah — more than the major sins, more than the Dajjal.

His reasoning, as the scholars explain, is that riya is internal and invisible in a way that external threats are not. The Dajjal can be fled from. Riya has to be confronted within.

Your teenager’s generation faces this challenge at a scale no previous generation has encountered — because the architecture of their social environment is specifically designed to make riya the path of least resistance. Every platform they use rewards performance, visibility, and the optimization of content for audience response. Every metric they are surrounded by measures external validation.

This does not make your teenager uniquely corrupt or weak. It makes them human, in an environment specifically engineered to exploit the human desire for belonging and recognition. Understanding this should produce compassion, not judgment — and a commitment to giving them the tools the environment doesn’t provide.

What Qabil and Habil’s story teaches that most Islamic education misses

The story of Qabil and Habil is usually taught as a story about envy and murder — the first sin committed between human beings after the exit from Jannah.

But the Quranic account begins one step earlier than envy. It begins with the offering.

Habil brought his best — the finest of his flock, held nothing back. Qabil brought the lowest quality of his harvest — something he didn’t value, that cost him nothing real.

Allah accepted Habil’s offering and rejected Qabil’s.

The standard question asked about this story is: why did Qabil kill Habil? The more important question — the one that leads to the ikhlas lesson — is: why was Qabil’s offering rejected in the first place?

The scholars are clear: the rejection was not about the category of the offering — agricultural produce versus livestock — it was about the quality of what was given and the intention behind it. Habil gave his best because he was genuinely giving to Allah. Qabil gave his worst because he was going through a motion — performing the act of offering without the substance of it.

And when the performance was exposed — when the acceptance went to his brother and not to him — Qabil’s response was rage. The rage of someone whose performance didn’t get the reaction it was supposed to get.

That distinction — between the grief of sincere rejection and the rage of performance disappointed — is one of the most practically useful tools you can give your teenager for examining their own intentions. When your good deed doesn’t receive the response you hoped for, which reaction do you feel? That reaction is data.

The slow drift — what parents need to understand

One of the most important things tonight’s video communicates — and one that parents need to understand clearly — is that riya is almost never a decision. It is a drift.

Your teenager is unlikely to consciously choose to do their good deeds for an audience rather than for Allah. What is likely is that the drift will happen gradually, imperceptibly, through the accumulated effect of an environment that constantly rewards external validation.

The stages of the drift, as the classical scholars identified them:

It begins with a genuinely sincere act. Someone notices and responds positively. The positive response feels good — as it should; Allah created human beings to value belonging and recognition. The good feeling becomes part of the motivation. The motivation gradually becomes mixed. And eventually, without any single conscious decision, the deed is being done primarily for the audience.

The signal that reveals how far the drift has gone is the deflation that appears when a good deed goes unseen. When the prayer is made and no one notices. If that deflation is present — and significant — something has shifted in the foundation of the intention.

This signal is not a condemnation. It is information that can be addressed — through the practices the video described: the secret deed and the tajdid al-niyyah, the renewal of intention before each act.

Your role as a parent is to help your teenager develop the habit of self-examination that makes catching the drift possible before it goes too far.

The Imam al-Bukhari model — what to teach your teenager about legacy and ikhlas

The story of Imam al-Bukhari that tonight’s video tells is one of the most powerful illustrations of ikhlas in the Islam — and it deserves extended attention in your home.

Al-Bukhari arrived in Baghdad to the greeting of tens of thousands. He left alone, driven out by the envy of scholars who spread rumors about him. He returned to obscurity. He died in a small village with almost no one present.

Yet, before every single hadith he recorded — in what would become the most authenticated book in Islamic history after the Quran — he made ghusl, prayed two rakaat, and made istikharah regarding the authenticity of what he was about to record.

Every hadith. Ghusl. Two rakaat. Istikharah. For years.

That practice — invisible, unglamorous, known only to Allah — is the foundation of a book that a billion people have benefited from for a thousand years.

There is a conversation worth having explicitly with your teenager about this: the relationship between ikhlas and legacy. The deed done purely for Allah — without regard for audience, recognition, or immediate reward — carries a weight that nothing else does. Al-Bukhari’s work outlasted every critic, every rumor, every empty hall by a millennium.

Your teenager is building something right now. The question is what it is built on — and for whom.

The 59:19 warning for parents

Tonight’s video also introduced an ayah that deserves careful attention from parents as well as teenagers:

“And do not be like those who forgot Allah, so He made them forget themselves.” [59:19]

The application to parenting is direct and somewhat uncomfortable.

Muslim parents who are primarily raising their children for the approval of the community — whose primary anxieties are about what other Muslims will think, whose primary measures of success are whether their children appear religious enough in public — are, in a very real sense, modeling the very dynamic this ayah warns against.

If your teenager grows up in a home where Islamic practice is primarily performed for a community audience — where the question is always “what will people think?” rather than “does this please Allah?” — they will absorb that framework. And they will apply it to their own practice.

The ikhlas conversation begins not with your teenager, but with you. Are you modeling a relationship with Allah that is genuinely between you and Him — or a performance of religiosity for a community audience?

That question is worth sitting with honestly before the conversation with your teenager begins.

Practical guidance for parents

Create a culture of the secret deed at home. Make it a family practice to regularly do good things that no one will know about. Give sadaqah anonymously together. Do acts of service without documenting or mentioning them. Make the secret deed a normal, celebrated part of your family’s Islamic life — not the exception but the expected.

Talk about motivation explicitly. When your teenager does something good, make it normal to ask: what was behind that? This builds the habit of examining motivation, rather than just evaluating the action.

Separate Islamic practice from community performance carefully. Be intentional about which aspects of your family’s Islamic practice are for Allah and which are for community visibility. Where the two have become confused, work to disentangle them. Your teenager is watching.

Share the Bukhari story in full. Read it together. Ask: what would you have done in the empty hall? What does his response — “I came with an intention and I didn’t want to abandon my intention” — say about what ikhlas actually looks like under pressure?

Discussion questions for families

For teens:

1. When was the last time you did something good that no one knows about? How did it feel compared to things people saw?
2. What does al-Bukhari’s response in the empty hall — “I came with an intention and I didn’t want to abandon my intention” — mean to you personally?

For parents:

1. Are you modeling ikhlas for your teenager — or are you modeling the performance of religiosity for a community audience? Be honest.
2. How does your family handle public recognition of good deeds? Do you celebrate the secret deed as much as the visible one?
3. When your teenager’s good deed goes unnoticed or unappreciated — how do you respond? Do you reinforce Allah’s awareness, or do you focus on the injustice of the lack of recognition?

For discussion together:

1. Read Al-Ma’idah 5:27 together — the story of Qabil and Habil’s offerings. What does Habil’s response tell you about what ikhlas actually looks like under pressure?
2. What is one practice our family can build together to protect and strengthen our ikhlas?
3. If no one ever saw or knew about any good deed our family did — would we still do them with the same effort and care?

The bottom line

Your teenager is growing up in an environment where the performance of virtue is not just possible, but sadly, the default. Where every good deed can be documented, shared, and measured by audience response.

In that environment, ikhlas — doing good for Allah alone — is not the path of least resistance. It is a spiritual discipline that has to be actively cultivated, protected, and practiced.

The tools exist. The secret deed. The check of the deflation feeling. Tajdid al-niyyah. The example of al-Bukhari in the empty room.

Give your teenager those tools. Model them yourself. Build a home where the question is always: who is this for?

The One who was watching before anyone else was — is still watching. And His reward does not require a caption.

Continue the Journey

This is Night 24 of Dr. Ali’s 30-part Ramadan series, “30 Nights with the Quran: Stories for the Seeking Soul.”

Tomorrow, insha Allah: Night 25 — What Will You Leave Behind? Legacy, sadaqah jariyah, and planting trees whose shade you won’t sit in.

For daily extended reflections with journaling prompts, personal stories, and deeper resources, join Dr. Ali’s email community: https://30nightswithquran.beehiiv.com/

Related:

Your Place in the Ummah | Night 23 with the Qur’an

30 Nights with the Qur’an: A Ramadan Series for Muslim Teens