My husband came home from work just as my baby had finished taking his fourth poop of the day. Instead of handing the baby over with poopy diaper and all as I usually do, a thought popped into my head. I’m going to change this diaper because I want the good deeds. The moment when I called dibs on the poopy diaper with as much enthusiasm as I would to pray another sunnah prayer, read an additional page of Quran, or add an extra 10% to a donation, is when I realized I’m winning all Ramadan long as a stay-at-home mom. To all the other caregivers out there–embrace what you do and you are winning, too!

Acknowledge Yourself and See the Mountain of Work that You Do

Being a caregiver to a dependent is exhausting, monotonous, and challenging. Our days are long and filled with the stress of taking care of a person who needs help to survive. Our duties seem small and meaningless far too often, even though every act we perform helps keep someone alive. We don’t get a badge or a paycheck and there is often no one else around to see how much time and energy we devote to caregiving. Somehow, the tedium numbs us and we forget the importance of what we do day in and day out. 

Yet, we can see the good in a simple deed when someone else does it. Many of us know of the hadith about a prostitute who fills her shoe with water and offers it to a thirsty dog. We think, “Wow! Such a simple deed and so much reward for a person who did so much evil!” But why can’t I see that I’m doing the same when I offer my son a drink of water after playing in the park on a hot day? The Prophet Muhammad had to point out the value of these easily overlooked acts to us. He told us to see the value in the sahabah who was told to stay at home and take care of his parents instead of going off to battle for jihad, and that giving money to family is the most important form of charity. I want to challenge myself to see the work that I do through someone else’s eyes.

I was forced to see my own efforts when I met up with a nice aunty recently. She saw my baby for the first time in over a month and turned to me and said, “Wow, he is so much bigger now, I can’t believe it. You’ve done a good job, Meena.” 

I was a little confused and laughed it off. I’m not the one who has learned to sit up, what is she talking about? But when I thought about her perplexing comment hours later–yes! I have done a good job–I have. I have been the one breastfeeding, keeping him clean, teaching him independent sleep skills, and giving him tummy time. I deserve so much credit and I’m glad someone saw how the small, easily ignored acts of care and service I do for my baby every single day have grown into a huge mountain that is impossible to miss.

The mountain of care is what I’m using to imagine all of the care I provide. I’m hiking up a mountain of my own making. With each step I take, the mountain gets taller and taller. At the end of every day, I reach a summit. Before I set up my base camp for the night, I turn around and admire the view. Alhamdulillah! That beautiful view represents all of the work I have done and all of the good deeds I’m raking in. It seems like I’ve reached the top of the mountain, but I know there is more mountain waiting for me to build and climb when I wake up in the morning. I’ll start another day and the mountain of care I provide will continue to grow with each step I take. This is my Everest, baby! And the best part? Allah holds the tape measure.  

Welcoming Caregiving with Open Arms this Month

I realized that I’m getting a pretty sweet deal if I play the game right this Ramadan, and instead of fighting it or begrudgingly accepting it as I’ve done for the past six years I’ve been a mom, I’m embracing it for the first time with positivity and optimism. This to me is the game changer this year that I’m hoping will make my Ramadan feel sacred and special because I’m a SAHM, and not in spite of it. 

The day after the poopy diaper incident,  I was standing like a deer in headlights wondering what I should do with my free time during the baby’s first nap of the day. It was still the first few days of Ramadan and I was panicking. It’s Ramadan–quick! Do something good! But as I looked around the house searching for my Quran, I saw the mess that the baby had made during his snack. I debated with myself, clean up the high chair or go read Quran? I knew that if I didn’t clean up, the next meal would turn into a disaster and I would be stressed out. With the baby not eating properly during his next wake window and the stress potentially snowballing out of control and ruining the rest of my day, it was then that it hit me! 

Meena, you dummy, cleaning up the high chair is a good deed.

Suddenly, I found myself holding the tray and smiling as I contemplated starting one of the most odious care tasks I do. It was a feeling I had never really felt before. Gripping the tray with both hands, I slowly turned my head from left to right, looking around at the other messes in my home.

Hang on–hang on a minute. You’re telling me that I can earn tons of good deeds just for cleaning my house and taking care of my family? I experienced a peculiar sense of glee swooping around in my stomach, thinking I had certainly gone mad because cleaning and taking care of others are not tasks I particularly enjoy, especially all day and night. I saw a vision of myself, like a prophecy, smiling in my immaculately tidy home, holding my happy baby in my arms, my older son playing peacefully with his non-choking hazard Legos at my feet, and dinner ready in the oven. I sensed the same satisfaction I feel when I pray a solid 20 at the masjid and there’s a moving witr dua to end the night. Girl, you really hit the jackpot this Ramadan. 

This delusional vision, I’m the first to admit that perfection is nigh impossible,  was an epiphany I’m rejoicing in because it has unlocked two secrets I have both long known and fought. The first is: taking care of others with acts of simple service that uphold a human’s dignity is heavy in my scale of good deeds. The second is: there is nothing better or more important that I should be doing right now as a SAHM than doing an okay job trying to take care of my family. All I need is to pair a good intention with the things I am already doing for my baby and family and I’m winning. I’m going to stop resisting my daily reality and letting the FOMO of life before kids eat away at my sanity. I’m going to embrace my time as a SAHM knowing full well that I am doing work that God loves all day long.

This isn’t to say that I shouldn’t have spiritual goals related to other forms of worship that are emphasized in Ramadan, such as engaging with the Quran, fasting, offering extra prayers, and spending more time in supplication. It’s just putting into perspective that there is no way that my current responsibilities allow me to dedicate as much time as I could in the past.

But guess what? God sees my small actions relative to my SAHM phase of life and He loves my caregiving work even more during Ramadan. And even better? If I look at my daily work as an opportunity for endless good deeds, the optimism makes the load easier to bear and more fulfilling to carry.   

Caregivers – Take the W with Me this Ramadan

Of course, I have told myself similar messages of how rewarding caregiving is in the past, but they’ve been harder to digest and accept. I often get the most disgruntled and frustrated during SAHM days when I feel as if my caregiving duties are interfering with something else I want or need to do. There were moments during previous Ramadans when I felt being “stuck with the kids” was stealing my Ramadan from me. In past Ramadans, important messages like this were what I needed to survive the month of Ramadan as a mom. 

 

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But maybe this year, I won’t feel that way as often, or perhaps not even at all. Maybe this equally-as-important message resonates more with me this year.

 

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It seems as if I have leveled up if I’m calling dibs on poopy diapers and smiling as I wash baby food from the high chair. Honestly, it could be a reflection of how I’ve worked hard to keep a manageable load on my plate more than anything else. 

I hope and pray that I can keep this optimism alive throughout Ramadan and beyond to make the burdens of caring for children easier to carry. And I hope and pray that you can see your mountain of caregiving duties for what it truly is this Ramadan, too, and maybe even embrace it as a W this year.

Related:

– Parents In Ramadan: Pivot To Another Worship

– Ramadan With A Newborn: Life Seasons, Ibaadah, And Intentionality