Getting to Know A Potential Husband/Wife? 3 Questions To Ask Yourself First.

Have you felt like you’re all-too-aware of warning signs lately when on the look-out for a potential spouse? Watch how they treat their mother. Observe the way they talk to retail workers at a coffee meetup. And don’t forget to ask them their thoughts on politics!

In the constant juggle between looking for red flags and green flags, you may just want to raise a white flag of your own. Searching for a partner is exhausting. Compounding it with conversations on money, intimacy, and routine can make you rethink your thoughts on singlehood for good.

Looking for a spouse doesn’t have to mean looking for red flags. Often, much of the discourse in dating articles can be between two extremes—having rose-colored glasses, or seeing red in everything they do.

I suggest a new approach: to research a potential as you would an academic paper. There’s a certain kind of objectivity we bring with us to academia, one that might help us in navigating romance as well. 

In the classroom, we’re encouraged to ask questions and foster discussions. Our partners are also our futures, and we should evaluate them in a similar manner. This general outline of questions can help foster more as you reflect on whether this one could be “the one:”

1. Are you entertained or uncomfortable?

Humor is important in any relationship. We rarely surround ourselves with friends who make us cry more than laugh. Why would we do the same for a lifelong partner?

Something as simple as their jokes can tell you a lot about their character. If they’re serious about you, they may try to make you smile, often. But how they do so can either ignite conversation or backfire completely. You might want to ask yourself things like:

• Do they “joke” about their previous potentials, or men/women in general?
• Are they someone who uses crude language frequently, and is crass when speaking about men/women?
• Do I detect resentment and anger packaged as sarcasm or dark humor?

What they find entertaining can also extend to TV shows, movies, and books. A man who proclaims himself to be a feminist, for example, may consume media where women are in positions of power—but are still sexually assaulted and experience verbal abuse. A woman may say that she marvels at the skill of an artist or author to tell a lewd story, craft a crass lecture, or write an explicit song, but then, why choose that subject matter too?

This will also tell you how they spend their time—and if you’d be okay with that. If your love language is quality time, for example, and they spend several hours playing video games, that could be hard to live with.

2. Are you informed or disgusted?

Seeing what kind of platforms they frequent can be telling. If the two of you have exchanged social media accounts, a search through their following can enlighten you on their views. However, if you find something that unsettles you, ask them about it. Even I’m guilty of not taking the time to clean out my subscriptions.

Pay attention to the secular and the sacred. As Muslims, we have a relationship with our deen and dunya. [PC: Stephen Harlan (unsplash)]

• Which government officials do you feel represent you?
• Are you boycotting, donating, or organizing?
• Have you been to a protest? Why or why not?

As mentioned above, finding out what they find informational can also be beneficial. Where they get their news from is a source for you on their thought process. Remember, not listening to music may not always be a green flag! Someone who does so out of piety may favor listening to an Islamic speaker whom you don’t vibe with, and vice versa.

As you talk with them often, see what they’re watching, reading, and listening to. You may even be delighted to hear that the two of you have the same taste!

3. Are you persuaded or forced?

You should never have to whittle yourself away to fit into someone’s life. No one has any right to ask you to change your appearance or lifestyle, even if they believe it is right. 

Many a potential will ask you anything, whether you’d consider wearing niqab, growing out a beard, and moving abroad. If you are content with none of those things, voice that. Make it absolutely clear that these are deal breakers (if they indeed are). In most cases, the person will appreciate that you told them. If they don’t, know that your Lord is not only Al-Razzaq (The Provider) and Al-Wadud (The Most Loving). He created you as you are and loves you as you are. Surely, He has written someone who does the same.

If the two of you disagree on something, see if the following happens:

• You feel respected as they discuss their thoughts and feelings.
• You’re able to voice your discontent, and they accept it.
• Wonder how important this matter is to you—marriage is about picking battles, and courtship is very much a training ground for that.

Once, I’d mentioned my hesitance to endorse a candidate due to an issue I felt strongly about. To my surprise, the brother became emphatically opposed to my opinion. He minimized the issue that affected me (as well as several others), and went on about how his own livelihood would be better improved under the candidate. Needless to say, neither the discussion—nor our courtship—lasted very long.

It’s strange, isn’t it? We allow ourselves the freedom to mark books as “DNF” (Did Not Finish) and remove shows from our watchlist. However, we don’t always allow ourselves that same grace when it comes to the most important life decision we could ever make. As you proceed in your search for a husband/wife, it’s completely valid that the two of you might be on the same page initially. But in the end, this man may just end up being a person you’ve spent time with, not a partner to spend a lifetime with. Women and men who divorce come to this same realization, and so can you in the talking stage.

This is why istikhara is important. Allah ﷻ will show you the signs as the stages progress—you may be having nudges to proceed up until an engagement. Continue to make du’a and consult with others. Getting to know a potential spouse is a long process, and even extends far beyond the marriage itself. Praying for guidance is one of the most important parts of this entire research process.

When we evaluate papers, we see if they’ve thoughtfully informed, entertained, or persuaded us—we can do the same for people, too.

Related:

– You Found “The One” In Your MSA [Part 1]: First Steps

– 3 Steps To Safely Prepare For Your Halal Marriage – As Simple As ABC