Spiritual Perspective: My Husband Is Not As Practicing As Me {Part I)

Disclaimer: this advice is not in relation to any woman who is facing any forms of abuse from her spouse. This is for a woman who is primarily concerned about her husband’s spiritual practice and state.

A common question that I am asked, is from Muslim women whose husbands are good/ decent but do not pray all their salah, and/or do not seem very interested either in developing themselves spiritually or with seeking Islamic knowledge. Essentially, what can Muslim women do about husbands who are not as religious as they are? How does a Muslim woman concerned about both her faith and her husband, handle this situation?

This situation can feel frustrating, and at times, may even make one feel down. It can be difficult, not just because you as a wife want to be supported in your endeavors, spiritual struggles, and journey, but also because you want the best for your beloved husband. You want him to also feel the spiritual benefits you are feeling, and want Allah to be pleased with him. Perhaps you can also see the guilt/pain or spiritual void in him, and that pains you too.

We are all on different paths in our journey towards Allah . We reach there in different ways and in different periods of our lives, and each one of us is responsible for our own spiritual journey. Even when we become practicing Muslims, some days we feel spiritually stronger, and other days less so.

You know your husband better than I do, and if your husband is the type who will take your advice, encouragement, and reminders as something solely positive, then of course go ahead and do that. However, the truth is that most men (and perhaps even some women) will not take well your well-intentioned advice. It may come across as critical, condescending, or judgmental, or he may even feel threatened or less respected rather than supported and empowered. This is dangerous as it could lead to toxicity in a relationship; going against the purpose of marriage, which is to have a harmonious loving peaceful family environment. So, what should one do in this type of situation?

My advice is as follows:

1. Let go completely of making judgments about your husband.

Don’t think to yourself: “he is so wrong” or “why is he sinning?,” etc. When that thought comes to your mind, say astaghfirullah (I ask Allah for forgiveness) and remind yourself that a) the blessing Allah has given you to stay away from that sin can be taken away from you any second, and b) in the eyes of Allah , despite your husband not praying possibly even his compulsory prayers, he may be more beloved to Allah than you, or may even have a better ending (death) than you. If you can at this point, make du’a for him, please do so.

Eventually all judgement of that person will cease from your heart, and these judgemental thoughts will no longer come to your heart and consume you with negative energy. Shaytan causes rifts when one starts judging, which then leads to looking down on others; when that was never intended in the first place.

2. Make sincere du’a for your husband at every given opportunity without letting him know that you are, and do it with immense love.

You can pray that Allah guides him, makes him among His most beloved of servants, helps him, eases his difficulties, and grants him Jannah; and any other du’a you want to make. The Prophet said: “The du’a of a Muslim for his brother in his absence is responded to. There is an angel in front of him that has been assigned to him; every time he makes a du’a for his brother with good, the angel assigned to him says, ‘Ameen! And to you the same.’” [Muslim]

Wake up for tahajjud if you can, and make du’a. You want the best for your spouse regardless of how it impacts you, and remind yourself that you are doing this not for you, but to please Allah . Sincere du’a is SO powerful!

3. Continue sincerely loving your husband and fulfilling all his marital and human rights.

In fact, I would recommend that you even go above and beyond if you can. For example, show him extra love and care, make him that extra cup of tea or his favorite dish when he wasn’t expecting it, etc. Do not in any way think that just because he is not obeying Allah , your obligation to obey him as a husband has gone or reduced. Rather, you are obeying Allah by obeying him, and even if your heart may feel that your husband doesn’t deserve to be obeyed or loved, you are wiser, more intelligent, and have more knowledge; you will obey him and love him even more because Allah asked you to.

4. Radiate with positive energy and never look down on your husband or make him feel less.

Be positive around him and with him, and look at the positives he brings to your life and to others around him.

5. Be discreet in your optional worship, if helpful.

If you can sense that your husband may feel uncomfortable, guilty, or sad if you do optional acts of worship in front of him -and you do have another space you can do it in, or you can do it silently or conveniently at another time-, take those options. The immense barakah (blessings) of you doing optional good deeds such as praying Quran, doing dhikr of Allah , learning the deen, etc., will diffuse throughout your household and to your husband too. You do not need to do it in front of him for the barakah to reach him. For example, say you are praying tasbeeh fatimi whilst your husband is near you, if you can discreetly count it on your fingers rather than on a physical tasbeeh (rosary), then do that. It is not good manners nor good for our spirituality to inadvertently rub our good actions in people’s faces, even if we do not intend to do that. Unless of course you are confident that this won’t make him feel uneasy; rather encourage him to pray too or let this serve as a beautiful reminder.

6. Everything you do in your life, do it solely to please Allah .

This includes any way you serve or do nice things for your husband. When you do something solely to please Allah , you are rewarded immensely by Allah , and lots of barakah will enter your life. Furthermore, when you do an act of service to a human solely for the sake of Allah , you don’t have any expectations from that person to ‘pay you back,’ or start thinking of yourself as a ‘victim,’ or that you are taken ‘advantage’ of. This gives you immense freedom, as you do not expect anything back and there’s no room for resentment to build.

7. Write down your husband’s favors upon you and/or good qualities.

Keep a daily/weekly gratitude journal (it can be on a piece of paper or a free app like Presently) of things you are grateful to Allah for; which include things your husband does for you. This helps you focus on the many positive things your husband is doing for you and your family, rather than on what you may perceive as shortfalls or negatives. This also prevents resentment, ungratefulness, and bitterness building in your heart for your husband, and by extension, for Allah too. Also, don’t forget to regularly thank your husband for all the different things he does for you. Everyone loves to be thanked, and it will encourage him to love you even more.

8. Remind yourself that you are only responsible for yourself, and you can only change yourself.

We will all face Allah on the Day of Judgement, and He will not ask us why our husbands did not pray or stay away from sins. Whilst we will be rewarded for supporting our husbands, the lack of actions from their part or any sins they may have committed are not our burdens to hold. We can only change ourselves. We may be able to inspire our husbands to make some positive changes, but we may not be able to change them entirely. Let go of the idea or need to change them; rather leave it in Allah’s Hands, who is the ONLY one that can change them.

After you are able to accomplish the above eight things, inshaAllah, Allah will change the heart and actions of your husband for the better, and will make him the righteous person you so dearly wish him to be. Even if Allah decides in His wisdom that this is not the best time, He will reward you immensely for taking such conscious and sincere actions. You will see an abundance of help, mercy, happiness, and barakah descend upon you, and YOU will be content and happy. Don’t give up, continue with the above actions, and inshaAllah a day will come when your spouse may even beat you in doing good.

It is much easier to be at the top of your game spiritually and otherwise when your spouse is supporting you and cheering you on, but a) the reward you get for doing the good actions alone and in isolation without human support is much more, and b) I’m sure there are many other ways (e.g. financially) your spouse is supporting you which allows you to pray extra prayers or study Islam. It may even be that if your spouse is busy and distracted with worldly endeavors, you have more time to focus on your spiritual journey.

Ustadha Anse Sawsan advised beautifully recently in a Q&A session about family dilemmas: “Remember that Allah chose this man to be your husband, someone who has faults no doubt, but your husband is also someone who needs your acceptance, patience, love, and kindness in order to help him inshaAllah to become a stable, fulfilled human being who can give back to you what you have poured into him … you are stronger than you think [you are], you are more powerful than you think, take charge of the situation. If you agreed to go into this relationship, love this person, be kind to this person, contain this person, make peace in this family. The whole purpose of marriage in Islam is to have a peaceful environment to raise a family … you are the person that sets the emotional environment of this family. You can make this peaceful. You can give this man what he needs in order for him not to feel threatened and aggressive … your strength and power comes from [your relationship with] Allah … connect with Allah and see the power and charge you have.”

Finally, keep in mind and take comfort in the fact that Allah has promised Paradise for the woman who pleases her husband and fulfills his rights (in addition to fulfilling other obligations Allah has ordained upon her). The Prophet said: Any woman who dies while her husband is pleased with her, she will enter Jannah. [At-Tirmidhi].

Related reading:

-My Husband Is Not As Practicing As I Am (part 2)

– Marriage: The Charm of Saying ‘Thank You’

Marriage: The Charm of “Thank You”