What’s The Matter? | Teenager Depression

Question:

Dear MM,

I’m a person suffering from depression.

My elder brother is autistic and he causes a lot of problems in our house. Since he needs more care and attention than me, both my parents spend more time with him than they do with me.

I also don’t have a lot of friends. I’m actually very selective when choosing my friends.

At school, it’s really quite hard to find “good friends.” When I’m not at school, I spend most of my time at home. I’m also not good in my studies. Although I am improving a lot, Alhamdulillah, I still have to do better. 

Moreover, I’m also a very practicing Muslim.

I offer Salah five times every day and always try to be good with the people around me. But the things I mentioned here really make me feel depressed.

 Thus my question is: What is the Islamic cure for depression and what are some tips that you can suggest me to feel more happy?

Jazakallahu Khairan for your help and support.

Depressed Teen

[divider]

Answer:

Bismillah wa salaat wa salaam ‘ala Rasoolillah.

May Allah reward you for reaching out and may He grant you ease.

It is really a difficult struggle when a sibling requires a great deal of your parents’ attention. And that is made more difficult when you do not have a social outlet from which to get support when you need to talk to someone. You mentioned that you are very selective when choosing friends. May Allah reward you for being careful with whom you choose to develop a close relationship as the Prophet said,

“The example of a good companion in comparison with a bad one, is like that of the seller of musk and the one who blows the blacksmith’s bellows. So as for the seller of musk, then either he will grant you some, or you buy some from him, or at least you enjoy a pleasant smell from him. As for the one who blows the blacksmith’s bellows, then either he will burn your clothes or you will get an offensive smell from him” {Saheeh al-Bukhari}.

You will be impacted by those with whom you choose to associate with, so it is great that you’re being careful about that. However, it sounds like you may be holding yourself back from developing relationships-  oftentimes people who do this tend to have anxiety about approaching others. You may very well be selective when choosing friends but you may simply be worried about being rejected if you approach others. Regardless of your reason for hesitating in establishing friendships, this is very likely impacting your feelings of sadness and loneliness.

Being a very practicing Muslim is such an excellent strength, masha’Allah. Oftentimes, we often hold a misconception that as long as we pray and fulfill our obligations to Allah , we shouldn’t be depressed. And when a practicing Muslim feels depressed, this may result in feelings of guilt because it may cause questions to arise such as, “Does this mean I don’t have enough faith in Allah ? Shouldn’t strong imaan mean that I can’t get depressed?” This line of thinking can often exacerbate the issue and cause an increase in feelings of worthlessness and depression.

I want to reassure you that your depression is not a result of lack of faith in Allah .

Depression, as with many other psychological issues, can be at least partly attributed to brain structures and neurochemistry. That being said, if your feelings of depression are impeding your ability to socialize, affecting your ability to focus on your schoolwork or you find yourself struggling and dreading to get out of bed in the morning, consider counseling. It is actually praiseworthy to pursue this since Allah encourages us to use the means He has provided and Islamically, we are encouraged to seek an understanding of ourselves as Allah says,

“And the self and He Who made it perfect. Then He inspired it to understand what is right and wrong for it; he will indeed be successful who purifies it, and he will indeed fail who corrupts it.” {Qur’aan 91:7-10}

Therapy helps us to gain a great understanding of ourselves and what experiences have impacted us.

Here are some tips to consider from an Islamic perspective that may be helpful:

• Realize How Strong You Are: Allah tells us,
  “On no soul does Allah place a burden greater than it can bear.” {Qur’aan 2:286}
  
  The fact that Allah has given you these challenges shows that you are strong enough to bear them. We often underestimate our abilities but Allah knows us better than we know ourselves- If you’ve been given a test, realize that you are strong enough to pass it.
• Everyone Experiences Sadness (Including the Prophets): There are many examples of very righteous people in the history of our faith, including Prophets, who experienced feelings of sadness. Prophet Yaqub grieved for his son until his,
  “eyes became white with sorrow, and he fell into silent melancholy.” {Qur’aan 12:84}
  
  After the death of his child, Ibrahim, our beloved Prophet Muhammad held his son in his arms and said “The eyes send their tears and the heart is saddened, but we do not say anything except that which pleases our Lord. Indeed, O Ibrahim, we are bereaved by your departure from us.” This also shows that feeling sadness does not mean that you are not strong in your faith in Allah since the most righteous who ever walked this earth also experienced this emotion.
• Increase Your Remembrance of Allah (swt): The Prophet knew that it was a human experience to feel sadness so he advised us regarding this. When you find yourself afflicted by something, follow this advice of what to say and notice what happens: Asmaa’ bint Omays, radi Allahu ‘anha, said: Allah’s Messenger , told me, “Shall I not teach you words to say whenever you are afflicted with something? Say: “Allahu Rabbi (Allah is my Lord), Laa Shareeka lah (He has no partner).” [Abu Dawood] Also, research has found that those who view God as warm, caring helpful and dependable are less likely to be lonely, depressed or anxious. This link not only shows the importance of religion and spirituality in providing curative potential (relying on Allah to help you through difficulties), but also preventative potential (establishing a close relationship with Allah to lead a fulfilling and happy life).
• Reconnect with the Qur’aan: “And We sent down in the Quran that which is healing and a mercy to those who believe: to the unjust it causes nothing but loss after loss.” {Qur’aan 17:82}
  
  Whenever you are in pain, turn to the Qur’aan for the healing Allah tells us that it provides. There’s a sweetness there that cannot be found anywhere else.
• Seek Therapy: I mentioned this above but it is worth reiterating. The Prophet was described as, “…He listens to what is best for you; he believes in Allah, has faith in the believers, & is a mercy to those of you who believe…”(9:61) Early Muslims consulted with him and shared all their problems with him including issues dealing with substance abuse, depression, marital issues, anxiety, stress, crisis of faith and adultery. This was a form of therapy and the Prophet (saw) encouraged people to speak with him about these issues.
• Communicate: Talk to your parents about how you are feeling. Oftentimes, when parents have a child with special needs, they can become overwhelmed and don’t realize how their other children are being impacted. The other children may easily fly under the radar of their parents because of an assumption that they do not need as much attention. Have a talk with your parents to ensure that your concerns have been expressed. This may alleviate some of your anxiety and sadness and will also ensure that you have done what is in your power to express yourself.
• Exercise: The Prophet said, “Your body has a right over you.” [Bukhari] This shows that the maintenance of our health is a religious obligation and, therefore, a way to worship Allah . Furthermore, many studies have proven the link between exercise and improved mental health. This is due to the release of endorphins, which results in positive physical and emotional feelings as well as a decrease in the perception of pain.
• Work on Changing the Way You Think & Interpret Situations: From the way you described yourself in your question, it looks like you may have a tendency to view yourself from a negative perspective. Instead of focusing on the things with which you struggle (e.g. schoolwork), focus on the things in which you are skilled. Also, work on viewing difficult situations as a means to achieve something positive- a way to show yourself how strong you are and a way to gain reward from Allah . The Prophet said, No Muslim is afflicted with harm because of sickness or some other inconvenience, but that Allah will remove his sins for him as a tree sheds its leaves.” {Bukhari} This hadith reframes afflictions to be a source of goodness.
• Explore Activities You are Interested In: Since you mentioned that school is not necessarily your strong point right now, find activities you are interested in. Engage in activities that you are good at to increase your self-esteem. Explore options using different community resources- a lot of community centers have different classes and activities available for free or for a low cost.
• Focus on Things You are Grateful For: Research indicates that those who tend to be grateful sleep better, are more optimistic, more energetic, and maintain better interpersonal relationships (Emmons and McCullough 2003). Allah says,
  “… This is by the grace of my Lord! – to test me whether I am grateful or ungrateful!” {Qur’aan 27: 40}
  
  Allah also says,
  “And remember! Your Lord caused to be declared (publicly): ‘If you are grateful, I will add more (favors) unto you; but if you show ingratitude, truly My punishment is terrible indeed.’” {Qur’aan 14:7}
  Focus on the small, positive things in everyday life and pay attention to how this impacts your mood.
• Volunteer: Volunteerism can provide an enhanced sense of meaning, purpose, and calling, which can help keep their own troubles in better perspective. Charity, which is a fundamental part of Islam, can include giving your time rather than just money. The Prophet said, “Give charity without delay, for it stands in the way of calamity.” {Al-Tirmidhi} I would encourage you to begin volunteering within your own home- by spending time with and helping your brother who has autism. This may strengthen your bond, give you something to do that will allow you to spend more time with your parents and build a sense of appreciation in your parents for your efforts.

I ask Allah to grant you tremendous happiness and barakah. Ameen.