Family and Community

What’s The Matter? |My Husband Has Been Cheating On Me

Published

February 13, 2014

Question:

Assalmualaikum !! I have been married 23 years, have one son 21 years and a daughter 20 years. My husband embraced Islam in 1990 and married me. We run a business [together] since 1995. He has been cheating on m[e] for 20 years now.

In September 2012, he secretly married another Muslim woman. She broke her family to get my husband. I applied [for] a divorce and he refused and promised my Qazi that he applied [for] a divorce for the 2nd marriage and want to live with me. The 3rd hearing for the divorce of the 2nd marriage is [in] Feb 2014.

Keep supporting MuslimMatters for the sake of Allah

Alhamdulillah, we're at over 850 supporters. Help us get to 900 supporters this month. All it takes is a small gift from a reader like you to keep us going, for just $2 / month.

The Prophet (SAW) has taught us the best of deeds are those that done consistently, even if they are small. Click here to support MuslimMatters with a monthly donation of $2 per month. Set it and collect blessings from Allah (swt) for the khayr you're supporting without thinking about it.

But still he is cheating with other women. Please help me to stop his bad habit. I pray so much and ask dua. I am fed up with his lies. Apart from this he does not take liquor, he is a good person and helpful.

Thank you. I await your reply,

Cheated on for 20 years

[divider]

Answer:

Bismillah ir-Rahman-ir Raheem

Infidelity is a major issue in marriages these days. It sounds like this is something you have dealt with for many years in your marriage. One thing that is very important in order for marriages to last after one spouse has cheated, is that the cheating spouse has to feel remorse and that they have truly done something wrong and immoral. Based on your knowledge, he has engaged in this evil act for many years, and it does not appear that he has this belief or this remorse for his wrong actions.

Even with his 2^nd marriage, it doesn’t seem that he takes the sacred nature of marriage seriously since he seemed so quick to agree to divorce her. The marital bond is based on trust, compassion, love, and faith. When a spouse cheats, that trust is broken so deeply that it takes a lot of time, effort, patience and work to make the marriage successful again. Rebuilding trust is a long and difficult process. It can be done, but it is harder to do with each extramarital affair. The Quran is very clear in Surah Al-Isra, ayah 32 that we are not to even go near zina, let alone engage in it. In Allah’s infinite wisdom, He tells us to stay away from this sin knowing there are such damaging consequences when this becomes an issue in marriage.

Statistics show that it is very difficult for a cheater to not cheat again. Unless your husband is able to take accountability for his past sinful behavior and show you ways he will re-commit to your marriage, it will be very difficult for your marriage to be successful without any infidelity. Allah knows best.

May Allah guide you to what’s best for you and your children. Ameen.

If you have a question for our counselors you can ask here.

0 Shares

Keep supporting MuslimMatters for the sake of Allah

Alhamdulillah, we're at over 850 supporters. Help us get to 900 supporters this month. All it takes is a small gift from a reader like you to keep us going, for just $2 / month.

Up Next

Muslim Vignettes on Female Sexuality | NewlyWeds

Don't Miss

Red Wine and Hojabis: A Judgment on being Judgmental

Sadia Jalali, LMFT

Sadia Jalali is a Partner and Senior Therapist at the Family Enrichment Clinic in Houston, Texas. She has her license to practice psychotherapy in Texas: Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT). She is an active member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapists (AAMFT), a national professional organization as well as the local chapter, the Houston Association for Marriage and Family Therapists. Sadia Jalali has been in private practice since 2006, providing family/couple, individual, and group therapy services. She works with clients of diverse ethnicities, ages, and genders. Her therapeutic approach is collaborative and solution-focused, family therapy-based, culturally sensitive, and client-centered. As a Muslim-American with Pakistani heritage, Sadia's cultural and religious background has helped her understand and become effective in working through cultural issues in families with 2nd generation immigrant children. She has been active in the Houston Muslim community for over 15 yrs. Sadia is a parent of four young children, and understands issues such as effective communication in families including the parent-child relationship and marital relationship. Sadia has also led several group therapy services including anger management, parenting classes, premarital workshops and other psychoeducational programs.

23 Comments

Mustafa Yakub Patel

February 13, 2014 at 7:37 AM

How can it be zina if he got a second marriage?

Reply
- Lalalande
  
  February 17, 2014 at 10:32 AM
  
  Salam alikoum,
  
  Excuse me?? How is it not Zina if he went behind her back to meet and do other stuff that ends in a marriage?
  
  Also asking for guidance, I thought that polygamia was ok in our religion if and only if he gets the approva/pernissionl of the first wife (or 1st and second wife in case of adding a third). If i am mistaken could someone please direct me to the exact verse/quote?
  
  Thanks a lot!
  
  Reply
  - Aly Balagamwala | DiscoMaulvi
    
    February 17, 2014 at 11:40 PM
    
    To the best of my knowledge, there is no Islamic condition that requires permission of existing wives to take on a new one. However, this could be an added clause in the marriage contract. Pakistan by law has this condition, except for a few cases which allow this to be bypassed.
    
    *Comment above is posted in a personal capacity and may not reflect the official views of MuslimMatters or its staff*
    
    Reply
    - Abu Milk Sheikh
      
      February 22, 2014 at 11:07 PM
      
      Can I ask why a totally mundane and basically redundant (other people have answered the questionl) comment of mine (the one in this article) gets approved, while a comment of mine that actually adds value to the discussion in the ‘red wine and hojabis’ article hasn’t passed moderation? Jazakallahu khairan
      
      Reply
      - Aly Balagamwala | DiscoMaulvi
        
        February 23, 2014 at 4:54 AM
        
        Most comments are cleared automatically unless something causes it to be flagged or the commenter is on our moderation list based on past history. Or the article could be on full moderation (for example this one). The author has the final say on any comments being approved and can keep comments on hold until they get the chance to reply to them.
        
        Hope that clarifies our procedure.
        
        Warm Regards
        Aly
  - Sarah
    
    January 12, 2016 at 10:38 PM
    
    The husband does not need permission to get a second or third or fourth wife. Lol. It doesn’t say take 2 or 3 or 4 wives, “if your first wife is ok with it”. It is simply halal to have several wives and as Muslim women we have to be accepting of that possibility. It is part of our religion and you can’t pick and choose the parts that you like and don’t like. And in an age of rampant infidelity, it is a good option given to the Muslim man who endures a difficult test with regards to women these days. A successful multiple marriage is reliant on taqwa and strong iman which is the main thing we should ask for in our husbands. No man is only attracted to one women and even in Jannah this will not be the case so why should we ask it of our husbands?
    
    Reply
- Abu Milk Sheikh
  
  February 20, 2014 at 1:48 AM
  
  Going by what was stated in the question and the timeline, the second marriage was one specific instance (that was not cheating) but there were other instances of cheating. Allahu a’lam whether these were secret marriages or zina.
  
  Reply
- rashad
  
  July 14, 2014 at 4:58 AM
  
  “He has been cheating on m[e] for 20 years now.
  
  In September 2012, he secretly married another Muslim woman.”
  
  We’re not in 2032………..
  
  Reply
Jon Solis

February 13, 2014 at 1:09 PM

I find it interesting that the letter writer laments about her husbands infidelity but states that other than that he is “a good person.” A man violates the most sacred oath he makes in his lifetime and is a “good person?” I don’t think so. When Clinton lied under oath, his defenders said it was OK because he was lyng about sex. WRONG! When you lie about the fidelity within your marriage, you are untrustworthy about everything. I would not do business with someone who was cheating on his wife because someday that person is most likely to deal with me dishonestly. Only rarely does a leopard change its spots.

Reply
- Umm ZAKAriyya
  
  February 13, 2014 at 4:12 PM
  
  The question seems a little confusing . Has the husband ” cheated” , as in engage in extramarital affair ? Or cheated by concealing the truth from his wife and not telling her he had another wife?
  Though both actions are shocking , they are not the same .
  
  Agree with the person above .
  A person who can’t value a sacred trust like marriage , cannot be trusted with other things . Unless he/she repents for their sins of course .
  
  Reply
  - rzar
    
    February 16, 2014 at 12:00 PM
    
    Yes, it appears her husband has been cheating for 20 years.. then he secretly married a second wife, that he divorced – but is cheating again.
    
    Reply
Mahmud

February 13, 2014 at 2:23 PM

Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

The dayouth will not enter Paradise. Ma’adhaAllah lest this happens to me.

Reply
Abu Muhammad

February 13, 2014 at 6:12 PM

I meant to say it is permitted to have up to 4 wives.

Reply
Abu Muhammad

February 13, 2014 at 6:31 PM

The counselor should encourage the woman to try and stay with her husband. From what the woman wrote, there is nothing wrong about her husband except that he has a 2nd wife. When Allah (SWT) is so forgiving, why are we not? How can we be so hopeful for Allah (SWT)’s mercy, but not show any mercy to others?

I advise the counselor to not be so quick to take sides. Rather, seek proper mushwara when advising others because your advise holds a lot weight when it comes to the person asking the question.

This is actually something we learn in counseling school. We should never take sides, but learn to be neutral. It is not our job to tell clients what to do.

Reply
- Lalalande
  
  February 17, 2014 at 11:35 AM
  
  Salam alikoum,
  
  TLDR : Your comment comes across a guilt tripping and unfair and I wish you wouldn’t do it. It’s hard enough to be a woman in this crappy world, we don’t need our Muslim brothers to push our head down when we are already drowning :(.
  
  Longer version:
  My understanding of our faith on this point (please do guide me if i misunderstood) is that we women, have a say in whether or not a husband can bring on a second wife or not. Let alone a third or a fourth. The decision is up to us. And we shall not feel guilty about it.
  
  I agree that Allah (SWT) is Merciful and thank Allah for that, but we are merely human, we are flawed and we hurt. And while we must strive to emulate the best of Allah’s teaching and the behaviour of Our prophet Mohamed (peace be upon him) ‘s behaviour, at the end of the day we are perfectible. And it seems that Allah (SWT) in His infinite “knowledge” understands that which he has created, some situation are just too much to be merciful, it’s just too much to for the heart to take. That’s why a woman has the righteous right to divorce, and to hold onto her feelings without being guilt tripped about it. It’s probably not your intention but it’s exactely how your comments reads.
  
  “From what the woman wrote, there is nothing wrong about her husband except that he has a 2nd wife. When Allah (SWT) is so forgiving, why are we not? How can we be so hopeful for Allah (SWT)’s mercy, but not show any mercy to others?” >>> quote in point. it;s guilt tripping and unfair to suggest that if she holds onto her position she may get a mirror image on Judgment day.
  
  Also you say nothing is wrong with her husband? How so ? First of all he’s been cheating for 20 years, and is STILL cheating. Second how do you reconcile the fact that having a second wife secretly is ok? How did he meet her? talked to her? get familiar and friendly enough to marry her without his wife’s knowledge? Isn’t this like a top 10 list of the biggest sins?
  
  Reply
- Mahmud
  
  February 17, 2014 at 2:18 PM
  
  It might be a bit unclear, but perhaps he was doing zina and that is what she meant by cheating, or perhaps he married another woman behind her back, and that is what he meant by cheating.
  
  Reply
  - Mahmud
    
    February 17, 2014 at 2:19 PM
    
    “she meant by cheating
    
    Reply
UmOuthmaan

February 13, 2014 at 8:26 PM

I wonder what the brother’s side of the story is…let’s not be quick to judge or give advice from only hearing one side of things.

Reply
rzar

February 13, 2014 at 9:00 PM

It seems your marriage was compromised 20 years ago. I think you should leave..it has not been a good fulfilling marriage for the both of you. You need a faithful husband, he is not striving to make you happy and content by continuing to cheat. I pray Allah you find a better husband!

Reply
Sumiyah

February 14, 2014 at 6:44 AM

Assalamo Alaikum
I went through a similar experience in marriage…not wanting to divorce for years. (aswell as my own fears, coming from a Pakistani Mirpuri background prevented me from taking any action).

Eventually he divorced me while I was a full-time student and left me with 3 young children…

I moved on with the, Grace of Allah…I completed my degree and PGCE. I am currently working as a teacher and ….remarried year and a half ago.

Finally I can FOCUS on my Deen rather than constantly crying and begging!

Reply
Fritz

February 16, 2014 at 7:57 AM

“He has been cheating on m[e] for 20 years now”

I ‘m not sure I quite understand this part of the comment. Does that mean he was having an affair for 20 years?

Reply
Yasmin

February 16, 2014 at 9:56 AM

Assalamu alaikum :)
Dear sister, what you must be going through is hard to come to terms to. Your husband has definitely treaded the line too far, in regards to the right to marry up to four wives maximum. There is a fine juncture when it comes to marrying another wife. There needs to be concrete reasoning and rationality rather than to be frivolous with the right. He probably didn’t think twice about it. Hopefully inshaAllah, he will learn to understand the real sanctity of marriage as Allah subhana wa ta’ala intended. I cannot judge on what terms he decided to marry without your consent nor acknowledgement.
The most important thing to ask yourself if whether you are still in love with him and have to capacity to forgive and reconciliate? You are satisfied with his character and such. From then on, he will be able to confide in you better about his conscience. Perhaps the beauty of trust and confidentiality needs to be built properly.

Reply
Iram

August 20, 2016 at 4:48 PM

Salam
I been married for 2 years know and got a daughter she one years old , since last year my husband been seeing other girls and been talking to them a told him stop it a been paitence a told him a want a divorce but he won’t divorce me cause he tells me he loves me a lot so I found them girls numbers in his phone a rang them up and they told me that he’s been taking money of them , he treats me good and everything he don’t drink or anything he just talks to girls and Dee’s them he tells me how much he loves me and my daughter … He’s a good hsuan do and good father but he’s got that one bad habit by talking and seeing girls ,, a told many times to stop he won’t admit a left the house once and it took him al day to find me cause a were hurt … Can you please give me some advice please

Reply