34 Comments

1. 

   F

   January 27, 2011 at 7:54 AM

   Assalamu Alaikum,

   Be the best with your wives because that is what the Prophet (peace be upon him) ordered.
   But at the same time you have to let her know that she can’t cross certain limits. If she is hitting you, all you have to do in return is grab her hands tightly so she is not able to hit you. Once she can’t let go and realizes you are much stronger than her, she will automatically not try that again.

   So without even having to hit or abuse her, you make a point telling her to stop what is doing.

   Reply
   • 

     Tariq Ahmed

     January 27, 2011 at 9:38 AM

     you started out with wisdom, because you were borrowing from the Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam. where did you get lost after that?

     as for what you offered from yourself, or without attribution, akhee, if you know a brother with marital problems, and you know him well, so well that you know how much force he would use executing your advice, then and only then (and in most cases not even then), would giving that advice be wise. and Allah Knows best.

     Reply
     • 

       F

       January 27, 2011 at 10:37 AM

       You are right Tariq.
       I didn’t realize that someone might use excessive force in following the advice. In fact, that thought didn’t cross my mind.

       A woman hitting a man is like challenging his manhood saying that you are physically weaker than me and can’t protect yourself. Behavior that is rewarded is the behavior that is repeated. Either he lets her hit him or he stops her. My advice was to use the latter and send a message not to do it again WITHOUT hitting her.

       I don’t believe that a husband should let her wife hit him in the hope that he will correct her later. Ideally, she wouldn’t hit him at all. But if she is doing it, he should defend himself without resorting to violence.

       This is not going to solve the real problem but at least it would put an end to the violence from the wife. Though I see your point that a man might resort to violence based on that advice.

       Allah knows best.

       Reply
2. 

   Olivia

   January 27, 2011 at 2:02 PM

   That was a very beneficial post. It is sad to see the extremely high numbers of people who know someone who has been abused! I consider myself blessed to be in that meager 12% that doesn’t know anyone! (or at least they didn’t tell me). May Allah help our community to have happy, fun marriages!

   In response to Brother F’s post, I hit Siraaj all the time (or rather, give him a punch in the bicep), but he never does any of this hand-grabbing nor do I think his manhood feels threatened in the least. You know what he does? He picks me up and puts me around his neck in the back and spins me until that tickly feeling in the bottom of my stomach in combination with my laugther makes me scream and then he tosses me on the bed. I think only a man who is truly secure with his manhood can manage that.

   By the way, I think couples need to be more aware of what “emotional” abusal connotates. So many people take the worst verbal treatment but think because there is no physical violence they aren’t being abused.

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   • 

     F

     January 27, 2011 at 2:46 PM

     Sister Olivia,

     There is a difference between the angry kind of hitting with the intention to humiliate and how you might hit your husband. I’m sure your intention is not to cause harm or humiliate him.

     This is a very specific situation where a wife wants to degrade the husband by hitting him because she either perceives him to be passive or weak.

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     • 

       Olivia

       January 27, 2011 at 3:15 PM

       That’s true. I was only trying to point out, using my poke-at-Siraaj humor (i love to see him squirm), that a man shouldn’t feel so insecure that he needs his wife to reaffirm his manhood for him through her behavior in an argument. i understand that the behavior in and of itself is wrong from the wife (the hitting), but her husband should want to stop her simply because of that: it’s wrong to hit another person, especially someone you love. I think he should have the confidence and leadership to extricate his manhood from the equation.

       Moreoever, if a woman is unleashing herself, the best thing he can do is something tender and loving. He can hold her hands, but then how about kissing them? The best thing to do in an argument is break the momentum. But if both partners are childish then they’ll never be mature in their marriage enough to participate in something like the spin-and-toss.

       And of course I only hit Siraaj’s bicep out of jest, and only when the occasion calls for it. It’s somewhat irresistible, like pinching a baby’s cheek.

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       • 

         F

         January 27, 2011 at 3:23 PM

         And I agree with you :-)

         The thing is relationships are very complex. The kissing approach works for a relationship that has love in it. But unfortunately, that’s the not case for many many marriages. One of my closest friend told me there is no love in their marriage. Friendship maybe, but no love.

         Sometimes there is so much built up anger in each person’s heart and if there was never a time that love existed in the marriage, then it is hard to fall back to love approach. Perhaps through mercy…..

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         • 

           Olivia

           January 27, 2011 at 4:52 PM

           I wonder if a couple that has no love can conjure up some?
         • 

           F

           January 27, 2011 at 5:39 PM

           I would hope so but things aren’t that simple. Even most marriages which start out as love, after 10-15 years the mercy overtakes the love aspect. I believe it’s the progression of a relationship that it brings out many different aspects — love, mercy, kindness, etc. — as time goes on.

           Love, to be honest, is very over rated. While it is an important component of a relationship, it’s not an essential one. A person’s relationship to Allah is more significant. Because when people love each other, even if they are not Muslim, they will treat each other well. But only a true God fearing person will even in a relationship without love treat his/her partner well out of the fear/hope of Allah (swt).
         • 

           Umm Kulthum

           January 27, 2011 at 8:25 PM

           Salaam,

           Wouldn’t you say this is a negative approach to marriage?

           I just wanted to ask generally to anyone reading, how does a man or women ensure they don’t end up with a abusive partner? Alhamdulillah, my father has never hit my mum, so the thought of going through it is worrying…

           As that’s pretty scary!
         • 

           abu abdAllah Tariq Ahmed

           January 27, 2011 at 11:24 PM

           well, umm kulthum, part of the problem is that people may be too insecure or too immature (immaturity is not about a person’s age, it is childishness in the sense of temper tantrums, etc) when they get married.

           as sister olivia’s original comment demonstrates, kindness and humor accomplish much good in a marriage.

           and there is a hadith of an instance where Umm al Mumineen Aisha got terribly jealous that another wife of the Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam had sent food to Aisha’s house while there were guests of the Prophet there. she was overcome by jealousy and loudly overturned all the food. while we may have our opinions, the best opinion was obviously that of the Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam. he just smiled and told his guests that “your mother is upset.”

           it wasn’t a threat to him in any way, and it did not trigger a fight between them. nor did he, sull Allaho alayhim wa sallam, so much as lay a finger on her.
         • 

           Hello Kitty

           January 27, 2011 at 11:48 PM

           I’ve always found that Hadith jaw-droppingly amazing and powerful. The love, compassion, sweetness and forgiveness demonstrated by our beloved prophet, even in the must humble home interactions with one of his wives here moves me to tears over how kind it was to respond in that manner.
         • 

           F

           January 28, 2011 at 6:47 AM

           In the end, we are all a product of our experiences. There is a perception that everything can be solved with kindness and mercy. As someone who has come across people where this approach has not worked or can’t be applied, I realize that realism of dealing with relationships.

           Until we do come across such instances where the theory breaks down, it is easy to hypothesize. If you are in a relationship where love, mercy, and kindness dominate, be thankful to Allah(swt).

           But don’t use a single experiences as a barometer of how all marital problems can be solved. Marriage is not about holding hands and walking off into the sunset.
         • 

           abu abdAllah Tariq Ahmed

           January 28, 2011 at 7:12 AM

           On the contrary, there is always benefit in citing specific examples, when the model is the perfect example of the Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam. Whom Allah sent as a benefit and as a mercy to mankind. Whom Allah sent as a guide to help mankind leave every kind of darkness for the light of Allah.

           Rather there is no need for constant pessimism, no need for depression, and no need for people to abandon either hope or joy.

           Indeed this article is offered to remind abused spouses that they do not have to succumb to abuse nor to any of the evils that abuse brings. Alhamdolillah.

           Akhhee, “F,” neither abandon your intellect nor restrict the scope of your hope in the Mercy and Compassion of Allah, and the solace and refuge He offers to you, me, and every one. May Allah be pleased with you and with all of us.

           Let’s stick a bit more closely to the topic of this article.
     • 

       Umm Kulthum

       January 28, 2011 at 9:31 AM

       ‘F’ – what are you trying to say? Sorry, I’m trying to understand what you are trying to promote and put forward?

       Perhaps I’m not understanding…

       Someone sent this to be today: http://www.zohrasarwari.com/books.php – The first book, I guess this can help such a person.

       Reply
   • 

     abu abdAllah Tariq Ahmed

     January 27, 2011 at 3:19 PM

     “I think only a man who is truly secure…”

     LOL, just for the mental image of Siraaj spinning someone WWE style (and I prefer my long-beard-Siraaj mental image for this contemplation).

     jazak Allah khayr for that. also, I agree 100% that we need to explain to people the seriousness of emotional abuse.

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     • 

       Olivia

       January 27, 2011 at 4:53 PM

       the kids often used the beard against him. now that its trimmed he’s utterly invincible in family throwdowns.

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       • 

         abu abdAllah Tariq Ahmed

         January 27, 2011 at 9:10 PM

         “I think only a man who is truly secure…”

         LOL, sorry, still laughing. I read your first comment to my wife, and she started laughing, too. she said that you expressed exactly why she punches my biceps. but I can’t lift her over my head, so it takes more than being secure in masculinity to do the helicopter toss. mashaAllah siraaj’s physical fitness is as admirable as his humor.

         Reply
3. 

   Mezba

   January 28, 2011 at 9:35 AM

   The problem with helping a woman in an abusive relationship is that they ultimately go back to their abusive spouses. I know two women who asked for help when they were fleeing their abusive spouses, and people did help (it became a police case about armed assault).

   After a few months, in both cases, the women were back with their spouses as if nothing has happened (“oh just a little mis-understanding”). And in fact, they cut off relations with their friends who helped them, because in their words “these are not true friends who broke up a house”.

   So be careful when you want to help someone fleeing an abusive relationship.

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   • 

     Tariq Ahmed

     January 28, 2011 at 9:29 PM

     I agree that people should tread carefully before intervening in some way between two spouses. and that is why the advice that shaykh Yaser Birjas once gave me comes to mind. as imam of several masajid, people would often come to him with complaints about their spouses, both husbands and wives.

     he would not make up his mind about the situation at all until he had at least heard from both spouses.

     and that makes much sense to me because too often, especially in America, Muslims and nonMuslims alike are ready and willing to offer an opinion/fatwa/or condemnation on any issue or any incident or any person. people will pass judgments at the drop of a hat, and do so without remorse, as though each of us were all-knowing and all-wise. and of course we are much, much less than that.

     here is a case-study for you: a man and his wife have a huge argument, and he leaves her for a whole month– he lives in a different part of the house and won’t approach her. when he finally does, she asks him why he came back so early.

     now if you have been busy forming your opinions and questions about this couple, know this: no one asked you. indeed this “couple” was none other than the Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam and his beloved wife Aisha radi Allaho anha.

     so we need to understand that this article is not encouraging people to interject themselves into the lives of neighbors and friends or relatives. perhaps we also need an expert, a social worker or other guest writer, to write an article on spotting signs of abuse versus merely signs of a couple that argues — something that happens in healthy marriages, like the Prophet’s, too.

     Reply
4. 

   Olivia

   January 28, 2011 at 9:42 AM

   There is definitely a need to help women who are in these situations, but let this be a lesson that educating a woman abuse begins with shes a little girl. Not only should she (or her male siblings) not be a abused, but a girl has to be taught from the cradle her value and not to let anyone trample on that.

   Reply
5. 

   justmoi

   January 28, 2011 at 7:51 PM

   There are men who hit without excessive provocation. Sometimes it will be bilateral wherby the woman hits her male partner and he returns the blow with greater force. However, in my own case, I have experienced violence for merely politely disagreeing over extremely trivial matters. It is incredibly hard to leave an abusive relationship (I have tried on several occasions) but have always returned because of the extreme guilt that it always provokes in me. Ten years ago I would have looked upon a woman such as myself as mad, and whilst I do see that it is damaging to my children and probably to my mental health, I feel that the constant mood swings to which my husband has subjected me to have altered my psychology.

   Please make dua for me.

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   • 

     Tariq Ahmed

     January 28, 2011 at 9:32 PM

     may Allah safeguard you and your family, and guide you and all of your family including your husband.

     Reply
   • 

     Umm Aman

     January 29, 2011 at 3:19 PM

     assalamu alaikkum warahmathullahi wabarakathuhu,
     May Allah,subhanata’ala ease your situation, reward your patience and bless your marriage with peace and tranquility and make it a successful one in this world and in the next world as well.inshaaAllah.

     In an abusive relation the abuser makes the one who is abused feel guilty of everything thats happening. The abuser will say something that will make the person think that all is victim’s own fault. It will take many years to understand that it is not victim’s fault and to realise that he/ she is being abused and that he/she should have escaped in the beginning of the relation itself. But by that time , he/she would have had children and so forced to stay in the relationship.

     Talk to Allah,subhanata’ala. He will be the one and only one who can help you. Try to talk to your husband ,tell him how it hurts you physically and mentally when he hits you , how shameful it is for a man to hit a weaker person. And if anyone know about this how they will look down upon him and above all remind him ALLAH,subhanata’la is watching him as he is hitting you.

     May Allah,subhnata’la give you a happy and peaceful marriage.

     Reply
     • 

       justmoi

       January 29, 2011 at 7:04 PM

       Jazak Allahu khairan to you both for your kind words and ameen to your duas.

       Reply
6. 

   manal k

   January 28, 2011 at 11:10 PM

   Theres just not physical abuse out there.. i feel like more of us deal with emotional abuse and no one talks about it. I eventually had to leave because of emotional abuse. Its the worst since no one can see it.

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   • 

     M

     January 30, 2011 at 11:03 PM

     Hi! In case it helps, there’s a good book “Emotional Blackmail” by Susan Forward on dealing with people who try to control others (whether consciously, or as patterns of interaction driven by unexamined, probably ‘painful’ insecurity).
     Especially after exiting a stressful situation (but regularly/daily anytime really, perhaps best as a part of a communion with Allah), I would say it’s also important to consciously process emotions that have come up. The process of writing can be very useful in this as a safe form of raw expression and for inspiring reflection on. In the ‘Love Letter’ form & approach described by John Gray, it may also become an important healing communication to yourself or/and another person. It does this by getting through resentments etc and enabling a loving connection, and might be a good first step in the “conjuring” that Olivia asks about. (Subsequent steps being acts of kindness – “Love is a verb too; the feeling follows action”(~Covey), plus encouraging each other to also each be your own best friend – for probably Allah is the only other who can know & love you as completely as you can.)
     Salaam & Best wishes

     Reply
     • 

       Irene

       February 5, 2011 at 3:57 PM

       Assalamualaikum.

       I’m still struggling with the effects of emotional abuse. And you’re right, no one talks about it, which makes it that much more harder to resolve.

       Even when we talk to westerners or read their books, they have no Islamic background and therefore cannot see our perspective. They cannot distinguish between a man being controlling and a man doing his job and asking his wife to obey him.

       On the other hand, when these issues are taken to the shuyookh, they generally come to the same conclusion: the woman is not patient enough, or she is complaining that her husband is too “religious”. (I never did understand that second one, if a person is “too religious” shouldnt that draw people towards them, not away from them?)

       I am still confused as to what constitutes emotional abuse, from an Islamic persective. Can MM please write about this issue?

       Thank you

       Reply
       • 

         M

         February 10, 2011 at 6:38 AM

         Good request!
         For what it’s worth meanwhile, in the context of an existing marriage I might just comment: to love or lead people successfully, one needs to understand them. That necessitates listening/communication. (Particularly sharing without the corrosion of fear or anger that may cause one to ‘hide’, or intrusion of I-can-fix-that plans).
         Anyway, may Allah, subhnata’la bring sweet blessings to you & your family.

         Reply
         • 

           Alima

           February 12, 2011 at 5:37 PM

           Salaam,

           “I am still confused as to what constitutes emotional abuse, from an Islamic perspective. Can MM please write about this issue?”

           Hmm, that’s interesting! Brilliant question mashaAllah. I would like to read on this too inshaAllah. Also, it goes both ways for men and women – hence, how do you deal with both sides?
       • 

         Yasmeen

         February 14, 2011 at 3:39 AM

         “I am still confused as to what constitutes emotional abuse, from an Islamic persective. Can MM please write about this issue?”
         ^An excellent question that I wonder about too. I’m looking forward to an article like that here!

         Reply
7. 

   MaryamX

   April 2, 2011 at 5:13 AM

   I really appreciate this post as I know many people who are in abusive relationships and grew up with one as well (father abusing mother). I hope we can get more articles on MM about this on such topics as avoiding it from happening in the first place, eventhough its inevitable, there are MANY cases where the women would get signs before marriage or even hear things about their future husband and problems with anger and controlling behaviour.

   Reply
   • 

     MaryamX

     April 2, 2011 at 5:18 AM

     Another issue would be the role of the children in such a conflict. You obviously don’t want your parents to be divorced but at the same time cannot continue to see your mother and family in general suffer due to the abuse.

     Reply
8. 

   nk

   April 14, 2011 at 10:10 PM

   many times in the muslim community women live in abusive homes because they are fead this idea of a good muslima who has “patience” with her husband. This patience than is equiated to standing by him as he hits her, cheats on her, degrades her, scares the kids, beats them so on and so forth.Islam came to liberate women from such opression of mind and body not to subject us to it. From all the abusers I have known( and I know quiet a few sadly). Once an abuser….always an abuser.
   Most of the time people go back to the abusive spouse as they are victamized not only by the spouse to beileve that they the victim cant do anything for themselves but even the muslim community ( the family and friend sof th evictim) push the couple to work it out. Its is so sick to watch and see the amount of sisters whose husbands have came, beat them up, cheated on them and so much more given chances again and again by their own community. The abuser has a mental control on the victim, one which is so hard to overcome.
   May Allah protect all our sisters in such situations.

   Reply