Fiction
Vote for Me!
Now that the primaries are here, I’ve become more and more disappointed with the various options. Muslims have been debating the best choice for months, and the more I think about it, I understand why there is so much disagreement in the community. My position hasn’t changed. I am a Democrat, and I will vote for the Democrat with the best chance to win.
But for all the other disillusioned Muslims, I thought it might be worth having a real alternative to the other candidates, someone who speaks to your Muslim sensibilities, someone from America, and for America. That someone, I believe, is me.
Of course, the immediate objection is that a Muslim could never be president. You’d waste your vote, right? Yes, I am Muslim. Yes, the odds are stacked against me. But I believe that my platform is one that all Americans can accept. I believe that I can transcend my Muslim identity and bring America together. As I’ve always said, Muslims are the true moderates in American life.
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Islam discourages the boastfulness and thirst for power that is common among all US presidential candidates. I am wary to do likewise, and so I will only assert one modest, indisputable virtue that I would bring to office. If elected, I would instantly become the most just and legitimate Muslim leader in the world. This would bring unprecedented weight and authority to America’s presence in the Middle East. The alleged conflict between Islam and the West, a favorite of kings, dictators, and neo-cons, would melt away. So what would I do with this new and unprecedented power?
Let me make one thing clear. A lot of people like Ron Paul because of his hands-off foreign policy. But let’s be real. The Muslim world needs to be straightened out a bit, and who better to do it than an American Muslim president.
First, I want to assure the leadership of America’s military forces that a Muslim presidency would not spell the end of their adventures in the Middle East. On the contrary! Although Iraq has recently looked a bit more stable, it is safe to say the project of imposing American-style democracy has failed. As president, I want to go one step further. I want to cut out the middle man, and impose American democracy itself on Iraq. That means a complete, unapologetic colonization of Iraq, which will then become the 51st state of the United States of America. I expect the representative from Iraq will contribute heartily to debates in the US legislature. I cannot foresee any substantial legal obstacles to including Iraq in the Union, though we may want to pass a constitutional amendment that no one may serve in Congress who believes that a messianic religious figure is hiding in a cave located in any of the 51 states. And I’m not ashamed to deny the political benefits of this new arrangement. Given the Bush administration’s record, I think the 34 electoral votes from Iraq will remain squarely in the Democrats’ column for decades to come.
That is not the end of my military plans. There is a strain of US policy in the Middle East which needs to be revived. It is a simple bargain…Islam for oil. With that in mind, I would gather all the Muslims in the US Armed Forces into a special unit that would lead an invasion of eastern Saudi Arabia, securing the world’s prime oil reserves for the foreseeable future. We would set up a puppet, Sunni government in the area based on the following arrangement. We pay $20 per barrel of oil for the next 50 years, and they use the money for anything except palaces and luxury cars. I would also nationalize the oil refineries in America, and guarantee $1/gallon gasoline for Americans for the duration of my presidency.
As for Egypt, the political heart of the Muslim world, I would excuse the current leader from his position, and make Egypt the testing ground for indigenous democracy in the region. In Lebanon, we would pretty much let things play out as they’re going now, except for economic projects, one of which would be to subsidize the textiles industry because women on Lebanese TV channels don’t seem to have enough clothes.
Domestically, my plans would be no less innovative or attractive. I support universal healthcare, generous student grants for higher education, tax credits for marriage, and a Constitutional Amendment defining marriage as a union between one man and up to four women. I would also launch a federal investigation into why there are so many adult video stores along the highway in the Bible belt, an embarrassing reality for a part of the country that prides itself on conservative moral values. We would take care of that for all those decent people down there.
If there are any judges who oppose abortion and support affirmative action, I would find them and appoint them to the Supreme Court. And while I’m open to all sorts of ideas on fiscal reform, I would institute a modest tax, say 2.5%, on wealth (rather than income) that would go to feed the hungry and house the homeless in America.
As Martin Luther King Jr. said, “The new morality is the same old immorality.” If we are honest with ourselves, it is clear that the current social crisis (loss of modesty and morality, deteriorating family structure, drug use, erosion of parental authority, etc.) is the greatest threat to American prosperity and stability. And unlike Europe, I think the majority of Americans can agree on this. As president, I would respect the American social contract. There is no place for me to impose my religious beliefs. All I ask is for the American people to keep an open mind…and when it comes to this festering social crisis, you may find Islamic shariah a bit more attractive than you’ve previously imagined.
Finally, I want to be sure that I dot the ‘i’s and cross the ‘t’s, doing all those things that are technically required for someone to run for President, all those things upon which one’s eligibility rests. After doing a survey of the campaign websites, I’ve found a common element to most of the Republicans and Democrats. Now I’m not a legal expert, so I don’t know of any laws that govern this issue, but based on my research, I want to make the following statement:
“Israel is the best friend of America in the world, and the only democracy in the Middle East, and it has the best beaches and public transportation system. America will continue to support Israel with whatever resources it wants…to do whatever it wills. And of course, America will always remain an unbiased peace-broker in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.”
Thank you for your time and support. As usual, I procrastinated before making this decision, so please write in “Musa Maguire” on your primary ballot.
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ibnabeeomar
January 10, 2008 at 10:27 AM
nice.. might actually have a reason to go vote now :)
AnonyMouse
January 10, 2008 at 2:03 PM
Please come to Canada! :D
Amad
January 10, 2008 at 2:51 PM
Out of all your positions, I can only support the marriage/union amendment. Can I run too with only one position statement? I am sure 90% of men would vote for me, enough to counterbalance 15% smart women. ;)
Muslimah
January 10, 2008 at 7:26 PM
Hilarious!
FearAllah
January 10, 2008 at 10:53 PM
They’d do what they did to Kennedy to a president like that! :P
Insha’Allah khair….never underestimate du’a! :D
Faiez
January 11, 2008 at 1:08 AM
I’ll be your campaign manager Musa. I take 40% profit and I don’t really do any work except counting your money and taking my share from it. I hope that’s good for you.
Asalaamu alaikum
Musa Maguire
January 11, 2008 at 1:33 AM
30% and you hack me into the Youtube debates.
abu ameerah
January 11, 2008 at 11:22 AM
Wow! Subhanallah!
I didn’t know we had a Muslim running for President…especially with the primaries coming up n’ all.
I was still soooooo overjoyed by the whole “Brother/Congressmen/all around cool cat” Keith Ellison thing … that I forgot to even pay attention to see if a Muslim was in the race for the WhiteHouse. That’s just scrumdidilyumptious Br. Musa.
Inshallah, my vote will be for Rudy Guliani though. I really think he will be the right man for the job!
Abu Yasmeen
January 11, 2008 at 11:57 AM
Musa, since I know you, and you know me, I would vote for you. Matter a fact if I show up to the polls for the primaries I am going to write you in, and I am not joking.
May Allah keep us strong.. Ameen!
ibnabeeomar
January 11, 2008 at 12:02 PM
i wonder if we can have some kind of a write in for musa campaign, we can all take pictures on our cellphones of writing him in on our official ballots!
Siraaj
January 12, 2008 at 12:41 AM
We already have a Muslim presidential candidate in the race – his name is Barack Hussein Obama – oh wait, his father was Muslim, his mother Christian, and the neo-cons want to use his Muslim ancestry as a means of keeping him from being president. Gotcha.
Wonder what would happen if a real Muslim ran…
Siraaj
sgi
January 12, 2008 at 7:54 AM
Maybe I’m just too tired but I don’t find your platform funny, just cynical. Today in my travels on the net I’ve read a lot of complaints from American Muslims about their country. I just wonder, is there anything that Muslims appreciate about being American citizens? To be fair to you, I have not read all of the posts here; perhaps you do appreciate the US.
In any case, I’m not posting here for an argument, although I’ve probably put you on the defensive, and I am not a troll (I have read this blog before but never commented). I am profoundly worried about our world and the challenges we all face. And by way of introducing myself, I am a former Christian, an agnostic now; former Liberal (by Canadian standards) currently Conservative (which in Canada is similar to classic liberalism), pro-Israel, -American, -democracy, -freedom, -freedom of speech, and freaked since 911.
Make of me what you will. It might be interesting to get to know one another and debate our points of view and what we think we know.
sgi
sgi
Faiez
January 12, 2008 at 9:19 PM
“30% and you hack me into the Youtube debates.”
You drive a hard bargain, 70% it is.
Watcher
January 13, 2008 at 12:02 AM
I would rather eat glass than vote for a muslim…
Ahmad AlFarsi
January 13, 2008 at 3:00 AM
This speaks volumes really…
Musa Maguire
January 13, 2008 at 10:42 AM
sgi,
I don’t think you’re reading this post in the right spirit. Most of it is criticizing Muslim countries, not America, and for the record, I am no less American than anyone else because i am Muslim. If you look at some of the other posts on this site, that should become clear.
Perhaps the most cynical parts of this post were my comments on Israel (though I’d say I let them off a little easy given that I promised to colonize Iraq and invade Saudi Arabia). I assure you that it is possible to be pro-American and anti-Israel. That said, I am neither. I prefer to forego the idolatry of nationalism and recognize the complexity of good and evil, virtue and vice, in every society.
I don’t think anyone here would mind having reasonable dialogue with you.
inexplicabletimelessness
January 13, 2008 at 12:06 PM
Peace sgi,
Nice to know you want to talk. As a Muslim youth who was born and raised in the US, I feel there are many benefits and great things about this country. I wouldn’t have worked the polls for our local elections in November if I didn’t. ;) No nation is perfect however and I feel that today our government is not following the constitution enough and looking out for the rights of citizens enough. But doesn’t it make me more patriotic to point out my country’s shortcomings so we can fix them? It is when one party, one group or one person has hegemony over the citizens that our country fails to be the one intended by the founders: for and by the citizens.
osama fadel
January 13, 2008 at 4:23 PM
my vote will not avail you, but anyway it is yours ya basha
Musa Maguire
January 14, 2008 at 1:19 AM
Wow, maybe I should colonize Egypt too… “Al qiyaadah, wal ‘uboor, lil mustaqbal”….or maybe just “batal al harb was salaam.” That sounds nice.
Siraaj
January 14, 2008 at 2:57 AM
SGI,
You’re conflating Muslim aversion to the government with Muslim aversion to America as a whole. And when I say the government, I mean the people in office making the decisions.
Muslims are guilty of the same mistake as well.
Siraaj
momorsi
January 15, 2008 at 4:51 PM
salam alikm
now that was so long ..lol .. and wat u been saying about egypt man .. .. the lebanise textile one was good ;) keep it up
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Abdullah
April 27, 2009 at 11:32 AM
It started as a serious article but half way through I realised it was a joke… funnnnnnnnnyyyy lol