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Bullying, Islam & Everything In Between

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Noora runs into the house and slams the door behind her.  She bounds up the stairs and her mother hears her bedroom door slam.  She audibly sighs sadly thinking to herself, “She had another bad day at school.  I wish she would talk to me about it.”  Noora curls up on her bed and cries quietly wondering what she did to deserve what she goes through at school everyday.  Sometimes she even finds herself wishing she could just get a physical “beat down” rather than suffer through the daily emotional torment of being teased, ostracized and singled out for abuse.  She feels as though her mother won’t understand what she’s going through and she also doesn’t want to disappoint her by confessing that she just doesn’t know how to handle the bullies.  She feels hopeless and she doesn’t know to whom to turn so she cries quietly in her room, and each day holds in more and more of the torment she faces.

Bullying was once viewed as a necessary rite of passage of childhood, something children simply must endure.  However, bullying is not simply something children will mature out of; rather, bullying can result in serious harm and long-term consequences.  Bullying can take different forms, including[1]:

  • Physical bullying: includes hitting, punching, kicking and other types of physical harm, as well as destruction of a child’s property.
  • Verbal bullying: includes teasing, name-calling, taunting and racial slurs, as well as spreading gossip or malicious rumors.
  • Cyberbullying: includes harassing emails, instant messages and text messages, as well as intimidating or threatening websites, blogs or posts.

Parents often feel completely powerless as they witness their child’s tears day-after-day, as much a part of the afterschool routine as homework.  Bullying has reached a new peak in our society and with tragedies such as the shooting at Columbine, bullying has received a great deal more attention than it used to. With the advent of technology, bullying no longer occurs exclusively within the walls of schools.  Rather, social media has provided another opportunity to bullies who seek to demean others.  Home is no longer a safe haven for victims of bullying; a Facebook status can hurt just as much, if not more, than hearing the typed words spoken aloud.

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The Victims of Bullying

Being the victim of bullying can evoke a great deal of shame in children and teens (and in adults as well, since bullying is not an epidemic that exclusively targets children).  Therefore, your child may not confide in you and may go through great pains to hide the fact that s/he is being bullied.  The signs may not be as visible as a black eye; although children are often physically intimidated, bullying can be also be targeted in a way that leaves psychological and emotional bruises.  Some things to keep a lookout for, which may signal that your child is being bullied includes (but is not limited to): damage to personal belongings, unexplained injuries, a decline in academic performance, physical complaints (i.e. stomach aches, headaches, tiredness, etc.), reluctance when going to school or riding the bus, few friends, or a noticeable change in sleeping or eating habits.

There are certain qualities that may make some children more susceptible to bullying.  These include the following characteristics: cautious, sensitive, quiet, withdrawn, shy, anxious, insecure, low self-esteem, unhappy, lack of a close friend, relate better to adults than peers, physically weaker than peers.  Bullying is a cycle, so these characteristics can be just as much a consequence as a partial cause of being victimized.  There is also another subset of people within this bullying cycle who are characterized as bully/victims, who are both bullies and victims of bullying simultaneously.  Bully/victims tend to experience a greater variety of symptomology including both internalized (anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts) and externalized (hyperactivity, rule-breaking) issues[2].

The Bullies

Although the focus of prevention and interventions are often on victims of bullying, it is important to provide support to bullies as well.  As the Prophet (peace be upon him) said,  “Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or he is oppressed.” The Prophet was asked: “It is right to help him if he is oppressed, but how should we help him if he is an oppressor?” He replied: “By preventing him from oppressing others.” (Ṣahīh Bukhāri, Volume 3, Ḥadīth 624)

From this ḥadīth, we learn the importance of helping those who are oppressed but, even more profoundly, the need to assist oppressors by stopping them from committing this infringement on the rights of others.  Bullies are often misconstrued as people who simply take pleasure in the pain of others.  However, research has found that some are quite complex and somewhat of a mystery.  Many research studies have found that bullies are more likely to exhibit behavioral issues including aggressiveness, hyperactivity, attention deficits and conduct problems.  However, contrary to what is normally considered of bullies, one research study found that they suffer from depression, anxiety, psychosomatic disorders, and eating disorders to the same extent as those who were victimized by their bullying[3].  Some things that may signal that your child is bullying others include: being aggressive with others, gets sent to detention often, has unexplained new belongings or extra money, quickly blames others, refuses to accept responsibility for actions, and has a need to win or be the best at everything.

Verbal, Emotional & Psychological (Nonphysical) Bullying

Interactions between individuals, from an Islamic point of view, are governed by the fundamental right of sanctity of life, honor, and property.  Therefore, anything that compromises these rights should be stopped.  In Sūrat’l- ujurāt (49:10-12), Allah says, Verily, the believers are brothers…

  •   let not some people mock others, for they may be better than themselves,
  • nor (let) women (mock) women who may be better than themselves.
  • And do not slander yourselves, nor revile by (offensive) nicknames
  • O you who believe, avoid (indulging in) much suspicion; truly, some suspicion is a sin.
  • And do not spy or backbite one another; would any of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? You would abhor that.
  • And be conscious of Allah; indeed, Allah is Relenting, Merciful.” 

These verses emphasize the non-physical face of bullying.  Verbal and emotional bullying can have even greater and longer-lasting negative effects on the victims than physical bullying.  Many of us may have grown up asserting the maxim, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” however, we soon realize that sometimes words can hurt more than anything else.

According to Rachel Simmons’s Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls[4], this type of bullying is particularly common among girls and often goes unnoticed by non-participants (such as teachers and parents).  Due to the expectation of girls to be sweet, nice and caring, direct aggression is deemed unacceptable in them.  However, girls are just as likely as boys to experience anger, a natural human emotion, so they engage one another in nonphysical, alternative forms of aggression.  This includes:

  •  Relational aggression: acts that harm others through damage (or the threat of damage) to relationships or feelings of acceptance, friendship, or group inclusion.
    •  This is seen through behaviors such as ignoring someone to punish them, excluding someone socially for revenge, using negative body language or facial expressions, sabotaging someone’s relationships, etc.
  • Indirect aggression: the bully avoids confrontation using covert behaviors.  In this way, it may seem as though there was no intent to hurt anyone and others may be used as vehicles to cause pain to the targeted person.
    •  This is seen in the spreading of rumors, backbiting, “accidentally” knocking over someone’s books, etc.
  • Social aggression: intent to damage the self-esteem or social status of a targeted individual.
    • This can include rumor spreading, backbiting, and social exclusion.

Rather than using physical intimidation as a weapon, relationships are used for leverage.  What could be worse than the threat of loneliness and social isolation as you wander friendlessly through the halls of school?  Hearing lies spread about you to cause you to lose your friends and fall into a downward spiral of lowering self-esteem?  One of the issues inherent in these forms of alternative aggressions is the fact that they can easily be committed under the radar of others.  Teachers are often caught unaware when their students speak with them about this type of bullying and don’t know how to deal with it since it is not easily spotted.  When engaging in covert aggression, the bullies often seem like the type of people who would never mistreat someone; it’s the perfect disguise for accomplishing as much damage as possible while ensuring their actions are undetectable to others.

Girls in this type of situation often have nowhere to turn; they may feel too ashamed to speak to their parents or teachers about the torment they’re enduring because they may feel as though they have failed at a fundamental rite of passage – making friends.  There is also a great deal of uncertainty regarding these alternative aggressions; girls may question, “Did she just bump into me on purpose?;” “Did she roll her eyes at something I said?;” “Is that note she’s passing about me?” It’s easy to know when someone gives you a black eye, but if you’re uncertain whether others are shutting you out or teasing you behind your back, it becomes much more difficult to discuss it with others.  By the same token, many girls withstand emotional abuse from their close friends in order to maintain the inclusion as a part of a group; they fear that the creation of any conflict (including voicing their concerns) will cause them to lose a relationship.  Due to this, anger continues to simmer and issues pile up and are rarely addressed.

Practical Tips & Possible Solutions

It is incredibly important to arm our children, our students, and ourselves with the proper methods of coping with bullying.  This is not simply a rite of passage that children must endure. Furthermore, the issues brought about by bullying can quickly, and dangerously, spiral out of control.  In the next segment, practical tips and possible solutions will be offered to promote healthy relationships.


[1] Mayo Clinic Staff (2010, August 24). Bullying: Help Your Child Handle a School Bully. Children’s Issues.  Retrieved January 19, 2012, from http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/bullying/MH00126

[2] Olweus, D. (1999). Sweden. In P. K. Smith, Y. Morita, J. Junger-Tas, D. Olweus, R. Cata- lano, & P. Slee (Eds.), The nature of school bullying: A cross national perspective (pp. 7–27). London: Routledge.

[3] Kaltiala-Heino, R., Rimpelä, M., Rantanen, P., & Rimpelä, A. (2000). Bullying at school. An indicator of adolescents at risk for mental disorders. Journal of Adolescence, 23, 661–674.

[4] Simmons, Rachel (2002).  Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls.  San Diego, CA: Hartcourt Trade Publishing.

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Sarah Sultan is a licensed Mental Health Counselor and has a Master’s Degree in Mental Health Counseling from Brooklyn College of the City University of New York, graduating Summa Cum Laude. She has experience in a variety of therapeutic interventions and has worked with several age groups including children with special needs, adolescents with emotional and behavioral issues, families undergoing difficulties and survivors of trauma and domestic violence. Sarah is currently working as a therapist at a residential treatment center for teens in crisis, where she works with adolescents dealing with suicidality, trauma, self-harming behaviors, aggression and a variety of other issues. She is also an instructor with Mishkah University, where she teaches a course about the intersection between Islam, psychology and counseling. She has been actively involved in serving the Muslim community over the course of the past 10 years through providing lectures, halaqas and workshops.

20 Comments

20 Comments

  1. Wagiah

    February 24, 2012 at 7:57 AM

    one of the worst feelings i have experienced as a parent is having my child come home and cry because of another child “making fun of her” , you feel extremely helpless and it is a hard problem to deal with.  between a rock and a hard place, teach them how to ignore it and be patient, but a child may not understand that and hence, continue to get bullied day after day , or teach them to fight back and risk your child becomng the bully………when push came to shove, and we met with the other child and her parents, i was informed that their daughter too comes home every day complaning of being bullied herself…………………..

    • Sarah S.

      February 25, 2012 at 11:48 AM

      SubhanAllah, it is definitely heart breaking to witness someone you love so much go through something so difficult.  And you have pinpointed an issue that is not commonly known: The fact that there are not only victims and bullies but also bully-victims who experience the pain of being bullied while also using intimidation of others as a defense; these children have a wide array of psychological issues.  Insha’Allah we’ll be going over practical tips in the second part of this article so please stay tuned for that, Wagiah!

      • Hamdi

        November 22, 2016 at 1:55 AM

        i too am a mother of 2 and don’t know how to deal with their issues such as one of my oldest child has anger problems and most of the time takes it out on other classmates wheras the other gets bullied and i don’t know what to do

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  3. Nahla

    February 24, 2012 at 11:52 AM

    thank you for bringing light to this issue…I was bullied in elementary and junior high school and the damage is terrible and long lasting. I am way past that age now but those years still have a tremendous effect especially when dealing with people.  I am looking forward to the next segment in this series.

    • Sarah Sultan

      March 2, 2012 at 5:53 PM

      Jazaaki Allahu khairan for sharing that, Nahla.  The impacts of bullying can last long after the bullying has stopped.  Many of us can be affected with regards to our self-esteem, trusting others, social interactions, etc.  

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  5. Nadya

    February 25, 2012 at 1:12 AM

    Awesome article Sarah! 

  6. Umm Ibraheem

    February 25, 2012 at 10:43 AM

    It should be “You’re ugly” not “your”. Sorry, bad grammar is a pet peeve :)

    • mirace

      February 25, 2012 at 2:18 PM

      I think this is more of an intentional thing…bullies are usually not the brightest, you know. I am sure the misspelling is intentional to make the picture look more authentic! (To let you indulge in you’re pet peeve, I’ve included a mistake in my comment, though :) )

    • Sarah Sultan

      March 2, 2012 at 6:03 PM

      I noticed that too, Umm Ibraheem :)  It’s actually a pet peeve of mine as well lol.

  7. RCHOUDH

    February 25, 2012 at 3:47 PM

    Great post Alhamdulillah! I’m looking forward to the next one Insha’Allah. I remember reading this tragic story once in which a young Bosniak girl killed herself after being mercilessly bullied in high school. As the story pointed out, it was terribly ironic that the victim’s family escaped from their homeland during the Balkan War, only to lose their daughter here in the United States. 

    • Sarah Sultan

      March 2, 2012 at 6:05 PM

      SubhanAllah, such a tragedy.  It is so difficult to get respite when one is being bullied, particularly with tools such as chatting and Facebook, which prevent even our homes from being a safe haven from bullies.  Jazaak Allahu khairan for sharing that- it is so important for us to realize that bullying is something that should not be brushed off or minimized.

      • RCHOUDH

        March 2, 2012 at 11:21 PM

         Wa iyyaki sister. And you’re right about bullying being more pervasive nowadays. No adult should think that there’s anything ever “innocent’ about today’s bullying.

  8. Pingback: Walking Away From Suicide - Part 1 of 3 - MuslimMatters.org

  9. Aneesa

    February 4, 2016 at 4:37 PM

    I get bullied by a Muslim girl she swears,pushes and fights with me.I want to know can I handle her in Islamic way.

    • Cristalexi

      August 11, 2016 at 4:32 PM

      I’m getting bullied by a Muslim woman at work. She keeps making unfounded allegations to the manager that get me into trouble which the manager believes even though I have been here for 8 years and never had any problems and the Muslim woman just started a couple of months ago. We don’t have any work interaction so there is no reason for her to be doing this – it’s weird. I never give instructions to anyone, I just do my work. This is the first actual personal contact I have ever had with a Muslim woman. I have always defended the way Muslims appear to get treated badly but I have to admit what’s happening to me at work does not make me feel any compassion for their plight any more. There is also another Muslim woman who has also just started working here who is a little bit better but both don’t even respond when people say “Hello” to them in the morning – several people have mentioned this. What’s that all about. I bet if work colleagues start leaving them to themselves and having the bear minimum of contact with them, they will then claim their being discriminated.

  10. Farah

    February 23, 2016 at 11:35 PM

    Very important topic, to say the least.

    Yes, it is painful as hell – being bullied or watching your dear one(s) being bullied. I wish we had these blogs about 40 years ago – I have been a victim of extreme bullying at home, school, work. Although today I am super-strong, extremely witty, over-confident, I’d like to point out that it’s taken four looooong decades to get to this stage. And not a single day passed without being a victim of shameless bullying by the very people who should have protected me.

    Let me assure you, we only have our own selves…….we came here alone and we shall leave alone…..who are people? who are parents? who are siblings? who are friends? They are all a peripheral part of our existence, the essence is our own selves and the Almighty Creator who created each and every single one of us. Who are people to make me cry??? It took four long decades to realize that I am answerable to the Almighty………..not his slaves!!!

    Be strong and kick ass, okay? IF the losers bully you at school, start walking towards them, move closer and closer, maintain eye contact, move so close to them that it would be possible for them to feel you bat your eyelashes……look at them IN THE EYE…..and tell them this: you are nothing…….you will eventually turn into dust because that is what you are made of……I don’t care what you do, think, lie about, etc……..I am not answerable to dust……..I am answerable to the Almighty who is right here (indicating the jugular vein)! So just bugger off, and stop wasting my time, yeah????

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  12. Natalie

    October 17, 2016 at 9:12 AM

    I am experiencing being bullied as an adult, taking my child to nursery parents have turned on me starting of with jealousy and have taken the step to turn others against me with spreading merlioslous lies, back biting & turning others against me. I didn’t even experience such behaviour in my school days.
    Unfortunately to say a Muslim sister is involved in this greatly, giving me the evil eye at every given opportunity!.
    I can’t run away from this as this is for my child and she loves her nursery but at times I dread going there and at times when I’ve picked her up and been given bad vibes I get home and feel completely depressed.
    I pray to Allah I can get a resbite from this!.

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