To understand corporate America's view of its employees, read Execution:  The Disciple of Getting Things Done, by Larry Bossidy and Ram Charan.  You are not the intended audience for this book; it was written primarily for consumption by C-level executives and Senior VP types.  A better title for this book would be, How to Treat Employees like Disposable Trash 101.  It teaches you that employees are assets, resources, but certainly not people worth caring about.  The attitude it conveys is unfortunately found all over the corporate world – toss your employees out, even well-performing ones, if you are unable to use them in the  future, or you can find a way to drive down costs by doing so.

In my personal experience, I find most people don't understand this.  They expect to be rewarded with further benefits, bonuses, and at the very least, continued employment for pouring blood, sweat, and tears at the direction of upper management.  When friends and co-workers learned I had been promoted and given a raise not once, but twice in a two year span, they would say, “Looks like your job is safe, you're doing really well.”  But I knew better – positive performance appraisals were no indicator of continued employment potential.

And so it was after 6 years of employment at Motorola Mobility, on the heels of the successful launch of what is now known as the OG Droid (the first phone to truly challenge Apple's three year iPhone dominance) and as mentioned earlier, year-over-year promotions, I was laid off (along with the rest of my team).  The reason?  Mobility wanted to grow staff without growing cost, so it was more cost-effective to lay off staff domestically and outsource to China.

I spent six months in unemployment and wanted share whatever insights, tips, or tricks I found beneficial on my path back to employment.

Rule #1:  Success Begins within You

My heart pounded loudly in my chest, and I could feel my face and neck heating up, as though my body was about to implode from within.  It was a Friday, and my last day official day was Monday the following week.  I had known this for two months, but the realization of it finally hit me full force.  What would I do after my severance ran out?  How would I support my wife and 3 kids?  Did I have the skills to find a new job in the current market?  What if I didn't?  Could I re-train with a new skill set?  Where would I get the money for this?  On and on, the questions kept coming, like a badly timed game of word association, unemployment edition.

Until that moment, I hadn't understood why people lost their confidence and self-respect from losing a job.  An internal battle was taking place, and I was losing ground as I moved in the direction of trying to fight it myself.  Within an hour, I was able to shift this dynamic with the following “tweaks” in my thought process:

1.  In the End, It's All Good for You

The Prophet  said:

“How amazing is the affair of the believer. There is good for him in everything and that is for no one but the believer. If good times come his way, he expresses gratitude to Allāh and that is good for him, and if hardship comes his way, he endures it patiently and that is better for him.” [Muslim]

From my perspective, Allāh had taken me out of what appeared to be a good situation and was preparing me to move on to bigger and better things.  There was a treasure out there somewhere, and it is implicit that a truly valuable treasure requires effort to find.  My effort in this case would be my plan of attack in finding a new job.

2.  Use Personal Anxiety and Fear to Your Advantage

There's nothing like the adrenaline rush generated from procrastinating until a project is about to fall off the edge of the cliff into the abyss of no return, only to be saved by pushing through an over-caffeinated night or two, with the fear of failure hovering inches over your shoulder.

The same feeling may occur to you, except that instead of one project with a definite deadline, you may feel an inward attack of multiple tasks and projects to complete to get employed again, and no definite date in mind except “right now”.

Take a deep breath, focus, and write down everything that comes to mind down.  From that list, pick the two tasks that you feel will have the most impact on your job search prospects, and focus relentlessly on them until they are complete.  If you're feeling anxious about the remaining list, use that anxiety to propel you to finish the first two tasks.

3.  Give Your Best and Leave the Rest to Allāh

If you were to take advice from either career experts, your family and friends, or even people in your work industry, you might find yourself confused about what direction you should take.  Evaluate however many options you can, and then take action in some way.  Predicting the future and knowing what is best for you is beyond your capacity.  It may be your time off has some benefit that would not be available if you returned to work immediately.  It could be to ward off some harm.

Whatever the case, take action, pray istikhārah, and keep moving forward.  It may be two months or two years before the right job falls into your lap, so be patient.  Take advantage of this time to benefit yourself in other ways, such as spending more time with family, taking care of your health, or learning new skills to enhance your résumé.

One note, I must say that I'm always confident in turning to Allāh because I make it a point not to fudge experience on my resume.  I always try to present my best self and stay truthful.  There remain many who lie about their qualifications (or lack of them) on the resume for a paycheck.  I don't understand how people can do this and expect blessings with income that's taken daily based on lies.  I would be afraid that just like the disbelievers, on a lesser level I was given something that be a blessing up front and a major curse later, either on me or my wife and kids.

Rule #2:  Get Smart with Your Money

I was given two months of salary post-employment and unemployment checks on top of this, so I was making more in unemployment than on the job.  When the two months expired, I turned to other means for either gaining income or saving money.

1.  Create a Budget

Without a doubt, you won't do anything meaningful with your money if you don't know how or where it is spent.  I admit I don't have the patience to collect every receipt, write down my spending, and balance a checkbook.  For people like me, there's mint.com (this is free).  I've hooked up my two bank accounts on there, so any transaction I run through my debit card (I live on cash only) shows up both in my online bank statement and on Mint.  I can categorize each transaction according to a category (it can be either automatically categorized or manually) and I can quickly see how money is spent.

I can't emphasize enough the importance of REALLY seeing how you spend versus how you think you spend.  You can use the tool to create a budget for different items and track whether you stay in or out of budget.  If you'd like to start, you can set aside budgets using the categories I use:

• Gas and Fuel:  self-explanatory
• Bills and Utilities:  Electricity, Gas, Internet, Cell Phone (some may also need water, trash, and sewage)
• Business Services:  Subscription fees for internet services, online software like Turbotax, etc
• Education:  My wife's budget for kids homeschooling subscriptions and purchases
• Entertainment
• Monthly Savings:  Meant for anticipated future expenses
• Groceries and Eating Out
• Shopping

2.  Find Alternative Sources of Income

One means of income was collecting unemployment insurance.  It wasn't enough, but it covered rent and some expenses.  For extra food costs, we were able to get food stamps on a special debit card (about $300 worth) and WIC (women, infants, children) vouchers because two of our children were two and under.  If you ever go to a grocery store and see a label that says WIC next to the price, it means that food qualifies for trade in with a WIC voucher.

Another way to get income is coupons.  Coupons for the food you buy regularly is essentially free money, so if you're tight on budget, make sure to get coupons.  Related to coupons, I picked up the book Coupon Mom and found I was able cut my grocery bill tremendously by implementing her tips.

Yet a third way is getting part-time or temporary jobs (because your other “job” is finding a permanent job that pays to the standard you expect).  I worked for one organization writing their advertising copy.

Finally, look within your local community for resources.  At the county level, you may find grants for studying (I actually acquired a $7000 grant which I was unable to use as I found a job before I could use it).

3.  Save Money on Expenses

The two expenses that have the most impact on your finances will likely be your rent or mortgage with utility bills, and your eating expenses.  Others might be car and health insurance, credit card debt (if you have a high monthly minimum), and random hits (like unexpected required car repairs).

One of the best ways to cut down on costs is rent/mortgage costs – if you can, move back in with your parents or your in-laws temporarily until you're back on your feet.  I don't normally advocate moving back in with mom and dad because of the strain this often puts on a marriage, particularly if it's the husband's parents, but in the case of layoffs and the potential for extended unemployment, I think it's a good idea (I think parents moving in to live with kids is great once they can' take care of themselves any longer).  If you can't do that, then consider if it's possible to move to a cheaper home.  If that's not possible, look for ways to cut utility costs – some agencies have programs for people who are unemployed, often via the city or the county you're living in.

Another big way to cut costs is reducing your grocery bill, utilizing the methods taught in the book Coupon Mom (there are other books and programs written by people into saving via couponing, that's the one I read).  One tip which reduced my bills greatly: looking at the per ounce or per unit cost of an item, and compare it with others around.  This will tell you if something is truly on sale.  You'd be surprised to find buying in bulk or buying generic is not always the cheaper way to go.  Another tip is to pay attention to sale cycles, as the price of many items will rise and fall regularly on a cycle.  For example, recently I bought 20 boxes of oatmeal because the price dropped from $4.79 a box to $2.50 a box.  Over the amount of time it will take me to consume that much, the next cycle will hit and I can buy it dirt cheap again.

For health care costs, I personally opted not to go the COBRA or single payer route once my group insurance ran out, and took Medicaid instead.

Rule #3:  Communication Skills are the Essential Job Hunting Tool

1.  Networking is King

When I searched for my first job out of college, a headhunter gave me this piece of advice – get an expensive suit, clean your shoes, and go to all the companies in your area, offer your resume to the receptionist, and tell them why you're there.  He told me most people are trying to find jobs in their PJs and underwear through Monster.com, and that you had to go out there and really go after it.

I have to admit, I haven't been successful in job-hunting via search engines, so I have no tips to offer about writing keyword friendly resumes, or creating high hit profiles.  Every single interview I received or job I've worked in the past 10 years came about as a result of networking with people who knew of positions that were about to open (but had not yet been communicated to HR).  That seems to be the reality of job searching – someone wants to hire, checks around internally with co-workers, interviews that person, then opens the position to meet HR requirements, then hires the person.

Given this, I recommend networking with everyone possible (trading phone numbers, emails, business cards, etc), both in person and on social media (including Facebook and Twitter, not just LinkedIn).  One phone interview I received was through networking I had done with professors I knew from Purdue (my alma mater), and when I posted a note on Facebook asking for du'aa for an upcoming interview, I was messaged by multiple friends asking me to send over my resume, and in this manner, I received future phone interviews.

My list, in no particular order of importance, goes:

1. College Associates (professors, fellow students, TAs, RAs, etc)
2. Family (cousins, siblings, in-laws, uncles, aunts, etc)
3. Friends (via Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, and Google+)
4. Previous Co-Workers
5. Recruiters on LinkedIn

You can double, triple, and quadruple your list by recruiting people who have a stake in your getting a job (wife, kids, parents who are also professional and/or networked).

When you give your resume to others, don't wait for them to follow-up with you. Ask them when you can contact them for follow-up, and keep doing this after each follow-up until that lead is closed off in some way.

I also highly recommend making the effort to network with people who are top performers.  When top performers give recommendations to management, it's taken more seriously and the chance for an interview rises dramatically.

After all that, the most important networking you can do for yourself is, as the clever cliché goes, sending du'ā's in the form of knee-mail during the last 3rd of the night in qiyām'l-layl.

2.  Speak with Confidence and Integrity During Your Interview

The job interview can be an intimidating experience if you're unprepared for it.  The only way to get good is to practice giving interviews.  I would suggest checking Amazon for the top-selling interview questions book (I'ved used the Knock 'Em Dead series by Martin Yates) to get a feel for some of the questions you'll be asked on a general level (tell me about yourself, tell me one weakness you have, what are your strengths, etc), and start practicing those answers.

If you expect a technical interview, then research online and try to find the questions you'll be asked.  If you're interviewing with a specific company known for strange questions and interviews (Google, Microsoft, etc), then check online for these types of interviews; you'll find message boards and websites dedicated to listing the experiences of past interviewees.

For general questions, have a family member or friend take you through a mock interview.  For technical questions, see if you can do a mock interview with a colleague or someone in your field.  Ask for feedback on the content of your answer, your delivery, and non-verbal cues (looking down or away, fiddling, shaking legs, slouching, not smiling, and so on).

If you feel uncomfortable doing this with your family and friends, there are services in the state unemployment offices that will do this with you for free.  You may also find post lay-off  that your company has services to support you in preparing a resume and doing mock interviews, so take advantage of this.

Practice often, and make sure you don't exaggerate or lie.  The most confident interview you'll deliver is the one where you don't have to second-guess yourself or keep track of half-truths or full-untruths you told the interviewer.

3.  Communicating with Dress and Personal Hygiene

Dress well (laundered and pressed clothes, no holes, no stains, shouldn't be faded or threads hanging out, clean shined shoes), smell good, and see the dentist if there's visible crud in your teeth when you smile.  If you came from the East and were not taught to wear deodorant (no offense), start wearing some.  While you may not realize it, everyone can smell you (I say this as a person raised in the West who suffered this ignorance in my younger teen years).  And please don't use Axe, it doesn't last more than a few hours!

Conclusion

This article is by no means exhaustive. It's just a jumping off point, beginning with my own experiences as someone who has primarily (only) large enterprise corporate America experience.  Please use the comments area below to share your own insights, tips, and tricks.

The Arab League officially halted its observer mission to Syria on Saturday the 28^th of February 2012, just a month after agreeing to introduce the presence of their monitors across the beleaguered republic.

The current state of the Arab Republic needs no introduction; with the number of fatalities escalating to hundreds on a daily basis under the authoritarian rule of President Bashar Al Assad, and more recently with the heavyweights China and Russia vetoing a draft UN security council resolution pressing for his immediate resignation, all news bulletins are pointing Middle East-wards.

An 18-page confidential account of the League's mission was recently just leaked, and only serves to highlight its impotence as a functioning political collective.  Citing shortage of equipment and dispatches of ill-qualified monitors among other absurd excuses for retreating from this particular mission, the Arab League can now add 'the Syria attempt' as the cherry to its metaphorical pie of failed interventions.

Ever since its formation in 1945, the Arab League has relinquished many an attempted mediation to its Western counterparts or the UN.

In the Iraq War of 2003, it was not the Arab League that intervened but the non-member nations, Iran and Turkey. Palestine in the Arab-Israeli dispute has also not been provided with any support save for a half-hearted egging on from the sidelines in the form of the proposed (yet snubbed) Arab Peace Initiative.  And more recently, the League's decision to remain mum on the twin uprisings from earlier last year in the overthrow of Presidents Ben Ali and Hosni Mubarak, as well as its silence on the violence that followed in Bahrain and Yemen.

So with just a negligible success rate since its inception 66 years ago (see timeline), and with its role in abetting the establishment of Kuwait's independence as probably its most memorable accomplishment, it really is  no wonder that faith in the organization is waning.

Experts and political commentators blame the League's inability to reconcile internally between the priorities of individual member states (wataniya) and the interests of the general Arab allegiance (qawmiya) for getting in the way of its political clout. By allowing its hands to be tied by a combination of said inter-state pressures, as well as with individual members preferring to flex economic muscles to win personal battles in deference to asserting themselves as a collective force, it has become increasingly evident that the concept of Arab unity has little or no relevance to the self-proclaimed facilitators of the 'Arab cause.'

It probably is best then that in the case of Syria as well, the Arab League hands over responsibility before inflicting more damage than doing good.

Although the standard procedure of the international community (as witnessed from other 'Arab Spring'esque interventions) when it comes to mediations is a drawn-out process of: (a)acknowledging a 'state of emergency,'(b)condemning the incumbent regime, (c)calling for (from afar) a regime change, (d)pledging assistance to the victimized citizens and threatening imposition of trade sanctions, and finally (e)military/economic arbitration, a firmer management of affairs from without appears more efficient, albeit barely. Although ideally, umpiring from within the region would have proven less protracted.

The general consensus being that this is one missed opportunity too many for the Arab League, and any hope of salvaging a beleaguered reputation as the olive branch-bearers to both member and non-member Arab nations can no longer be entertained.

So if, in this repeated show of incompetence, the Arab League is only cementing itself as just another band of witnesses to the bloodshed, perhaps then it is not just the Assad regime that needs dissolving.

There are approximately 2,000 Mosques in the United Kingdom.  The overwhelming majority of mosques in UK have Imams who do not speak fluent English. Perhaps less than 10% of the Imams within the UK mosques were born and brought up in Britain. Therefore, in the vast majority of mosques in the UK, we have Imams who are not able to (as some have forwarded) meet the various needs of the groups of people within their communities, especially the younger generation of Muslims. The young generation of Muslims may speak and understand Urdu, Bengali, Somali etc, but they speak and think in the English language.

Although, the call from certain Muslim leaders in Britain is to 'ban' foreign Imams, it has come under resistance, I personally concur with it to a certain degree.  The youth in particular have been neglected by our mosques for far too long. Many do not even approach the mosques because they feel they cannot speak to the Imam. Even when some do conjure up the courage to approach the Imam and inform them about the problems they may be facing in their education establishments, family & social groups, drugs, girls, sex, political issues and radicalization, the Imam, in most cases, do not and are not able to provide appropriate answers and responses to their dilemmas. Who can blame the Imams; they were born and brought up in a completely different environment and culture. No matter how much one tries he will not be able to relate to their aspirations, fears, anxieties and concerns.

Changing Trend

There are however an increasing number of young British born Imams who have studied in Islamic seminaries here in the UK and abroad and later pursue other secular studies to enhance their capacity to benefit their local communities and the wider community. The community needs to evaluate and think how they can be incorporated in the mosque's establishments.

I am not suggesting that we ban all non-English speaking Imams. The mosque can employ someone who is competent in English language. I am aware of the fact that many mosques here in Britain do not have the sufficient resources to employ more than one Imam. This is another problem, which I will not delve into much at the moment. However, those mosques that are not able to employ young English-speaking Imams need to encourage the existing Imams to learn English language and acquire the knowledge of the society they live in. How can a person be in a position of leadership and live in a country for more than 20 years, and not be able to speak the language, this is beyond me! This shows the lack of vision some of these people have for the future generation of Muslims in this country and generally the West.

Imams for All

What is more worrying is that many people import their village and cultural polemics which has nothing to do with Islam or British Muslims. Much of the discourse amongst some circles is alien to British societies and Muslims who were born and educated here, especially the youth. This works as a tool of division more than anything else.

As an example, I have personally witnessed and have been informed by some people, that there is a touch of racism amongst some Imams (I pray this is not widespread). Most of the Imams in Britain are either from Bangladesh, Pakistan or India. Whether we like it or not, there are some anxieties between the older generation from the past and history between these countries. As people 'celebrate' 40 years of independence and remember the bloody and unislamic tragedy that took place between two Muslim nations, there are people complaining in London that the 'Pakistani' Imam looks down upon our Bangladeshi community, or this 'Bangladeshi' Imam looks down upon our Pakistani community.

Imams are supposed to be individuals whom the entire community follows, not just one section of the community. It is worrying that this is still a problem in the UK and in the 21st century. I do not think this is much of a problem among the younger generation. Yes, they do have other issues and concerns to tackle. I am not denying there will not be problems among the younger generation, there will be, but I am confident that they will be very easily resolved. One of the problems with some of the elder generation is that some of their cultural and unislamic attitudes are ingrained in their psyche; it will require a radical reform of change in their mind-set and norm values to change them. We ask God, Almighty, to join their hearts.

Witnesses unto Mankind

Another very important point is about relations with the wider community. The Qurʾān commands Imams to speak in the 'language of the nation', to invite and interact with the people in the country they work and live. Without knowing English language, understanding the society, its history and culture, a person is blind himself. How will he then be in a position to guide others?

I would not be too worried if some of the Imams (who may not have adequate level of skill in English language, etc.) carried out their duties appropriately. Unfortunately, some people have an incomplete understanding of what the role of an Imam should be. They believe that all that is required from an Imam's position is to lead the daily congregational prayers, lead the Friday congregational prayer and deliver a sermon from reading an outdated book of sermons, issue some ta'weez (talisman) and teach the children Qurʾān, most of whom hate coming to the classes. You do not need to study for six to eight years in an Islamic institute or a seminary to carry out those tasks. Any non-specialist could be trained to do that! The community lacks basic knowledge of Islam and the Imams must try to facilitate the learning for them. I am aware that many times it is not the fault of the Imams; they are restricted by the mosque committees and cultural baggage. But that is another topic for discussion.

Look Mum, it's Santa Claus!

On a lighter note and to end this week's segment, allow me to narrate to you what happened during a train journey some time ago. I used to commute to the mosque by the underground train to deliver the Friday sermon in Central London. It was near the time of Christmas and as usual all of London was buzzing with the Christmas fervor. I sat down in the train reading my book; opposite of me was a young, white English girl (around 4 years of age) with her mother. The young girl kept on looking at me and smiling. At first I did not pay much attention, but the girl kept on looking at me. Now I got a bit worried. “Did she think I am one of those 'Moslem' extremists the media always talks about?”, I asked myself. I continued to read my book as if nothing had happened. Then, all of a sudden, she pointed at me and said “look mum, it's Daddy”. I was like 'OK'. The mother explained to the girl that Daddy does not have a beard. After a few minutes the girl pointed at me and said “look mum, it's Santa Claus”. I don't know why she thought that; was it because of my beard? Or was it due to the fact that I was wearing a rust thawb that may have resembled the Santa Claus costume? The mother and I laughed and she explained to her that Santa Claus is much older and bigger.

This was first published on OnIslam.net.

Over the last two days there has been a story of sheer injustice going through my news feed by the hour- the brutal massacre of our brothers and sisters in Syria under a tyrannical and unjust regime. Like many of you, I, at first, was just reading and watching as friends updated the situation and death toll rise in their numbers, I felt helpless yet compelled to do something for Allāh said in the Qurʾān:

“O you who have believed, be persistently standing firm for Allāh, witnesses in justice, and do not let the hatred of a people prevent you from being just. Be just; that is nearer to righteousness. And fear Allāh; indeed, Allāh is Acquainted with what you do.” [Qurʾān 5:8]

Today He is calling us to stand up in prayer to seek justice and His Help for the oppressed in Syria.

My mind couldn't comprehend the grief and unimaginable horror the brothers and sisters are facing until I listened to the khuṭbah appeal of Sh Muhammad Al-Arifi here and as he shared the humiliating and nefarious attacks on our brothers and sisters in Syria my heart cried for the trial the Ummah is undergoing.

Yet the Prophet has told us that this Ummah is like a strong support structure and like one body, if one part aches then the whole Ummah should ache in agony of the Muslims who are being slaughtered and killed for nothing but their faith. Just before I began to write this article, a Syrian friend of mine shared what was an extremely difficult video to watch of a Syrian brother before his burial yesterday whilst his family cried over him.

My plea to you brothers and sisters is to take action and stand up for justice in Syria. Here's how we can take action:

1. Raise Awareness

The first step we can all take is to raise awareness about the situation in Syria. You can do this by sharing the most up to date and accurate news so people are informed about the situation and can take action. Secondly you can share the video reminders and stories to help the Ummah recognize the obligation on each of us to help those who are being oppressed. (you can post latest links in comments on this newspost and MuslimMatters will use them to update the post).

2. Write to Your Government

As Muslims who are concerned for the security and safety of those in Syria we should call on our MPs, Congressmen, governments and international organizations to put the tyrannical regime to an end because no human being should want for innocent civilians to die. Unfortunately, the UN has failed to remove this unjust regime and therefore by writing, calling and speaking to our MPs in a collective voice can we inshā'Allāh expect to be heard as we should speak out against injustice wherever we see it. If you are attending a demonstration or protest in you country remember you are representatives of Islam through your actions so please refrain from any violent behavior or aggressive actions. Let's remember that the attitude of a Muslim in times of hardship is that of patiently awaiting Allāh's Help.

3. Stand Up in Prayer  

Where possible join the congregation to pray and seek Allāh's Help for Victory. Pray 2 rakʿah nafl prayer seeking His Help and remember the brothers and sisters in your prayers in the day and night; be certain that Allāh will respond for He Hears the du'ā's of the oppressed and surely if there is no justice in this world, we will certainly see it in the Hereafter. As the Qur'anic verse warns us:

“And what is [the matter] with you that you fight not in the cause of Allāh and [for] the oppressed among men, women, and children who say, 'Our Lord, take us out of this city of oppressive people and appoint for us from Yourself a protector and appoint for us from Yourself a helper?'” [Qurʾān 4:75]

4. Give in Charity

Another way in which you can take action is to support the charitable organizations providing aid and assistance in Syria, giving money and time or efforts to help these organizations is invaluable at these times. To donate you can visit Islamic Relief's Syria Appeal campaign here or any other transparent registered charity who are working in Syria.

5. Raise Your Hands in Du'ā'

Finally, the least of faith is in making du'ā' and truly, our brothers and sisters request that we raise our hands and seek Allāh to protect and grant victory to those who are suffering immensely today in these massacres. At every prayer, in times of rain and in your prostration please do not forget them for Allāh has promised to answer the  du'ā' of the oppressed (Bukhari).  You can find du'ā's for the oppressed here to read and share.

[The following is the video and transcript of Shaykh Abdul Nasir's lecture "Happiness in the Home." The transcript includes slight modifications for the sake of readability and clarity.]

One of the most important concepts within our religion (our dīn) is something that the Qurʾān talks about extensively and something that is very, very prominent from the study of the life of the Prophet , the prophetic biography, the sīrah.  Similarly, this is something that is very extensively and emphatically addressed by the Prophet in the sacred traditions, the aḥadīth of the Prophet .   It is something that is a very obvious need of human beings and a part of the human experience, and that is the issue of family.

The issue of family is something that each and every single one of us can experience and deal with in our own ways, shape, and forms.  It is something that is relevant to each and every single human being.  When talking about the issue of family, I feel that it is very important, crucial, and critical for us – and when we look at any issue or situation such as in the āyāt the shaykh recited in the prayer on the concept of the belief in one Allāh and believing in one god and one deity, the concept of tawḥīd and oneness of God.  What is very beautiful and very important to note about how Allāh addresses the issue of tawḥīd within the Qurʾān, Allāh presents the problem.  He talks about the partners you associate with Allāh –  the false gods, false deities, false idols that you have taken other than Allāh.  One very important way in addressing any situation and one very consistent pattern throughout the Qurʾān and teachings of the Prophet that if we are to truly address any issue, any concern, any situation, then we first and foremost must come to terms with the reality of the situation.

When we talk about rehabilitation and solving any problems and resolving any type of issue, the very first step of rehabilitation is accepting that there is a problem, being aware of the problem and being cognizant of the situation and not being ashamed and not being afraid and not shying away from admitting the fact that there is a problem.  That is the first step to solving any situation and problem.

When we talk about the situation of family, something that is very near and dear to our hearts, and I think that anyone who has any level of experience in community leadership, community matters, and community affairs will very readily admit and stand up hear with me and preach about the dire need of addressing family issues, not just in society and not just in community but specifically even within the Muslim community, from our imams and our shuyukh who are on the front lines to even community leaders and community activists.  A basic khaṭīb can tell you the importance.  A Sunday school teacher and a weekend Islamic school teacher can speak to you for hours and hours about the critical need of addressing the family situation.

Coming to Terms with the Reality

What is the reality at hand?  What are our issues? What are our circumstances?  What is going on with us?

1.  One thing that we have to understand in our very unique circumstance and our very unique situation as a Muslim minority living here in America and need to come to terms with is that the problems that we are experiencing in Muslim families are the same that others are experiencing outside of the Muslim community as well.  Meaning there are certain things that are unique about our circumstances and situation, but generally speaking, a lot of what we are experiencing are general problems across the board.

We have to deal with a very specific reality, and that reality is that we live in this same society as every other faith-based community and every other ethnic community:  current, modern-day United States of America.  We are being impacted by those same social elements.  It is very important for us to understand and deal with the reality that we are similar to any other community, meaning we will be impacted by our society and the culture we live in.  The media and the impact that it is having on them is also having the same impact on us.  The effects of the school environment and interacting with other children has the same effects on them as us.

I always tell this story that I have a little bit of a unique experience.  There are many other people who have extensive experience in this regard, but I feel that in terms of a lot of people in our community today, I have a unique experience, which is simply the fact that I was raised during the 80s, which was not too young ago.  I still may be a kid to many of our elders here, but that still is a significant time ago.  I grew up during the 80s and I was a teenager during the 90s.  I grew up in a place where there were very few Muslim families.  The Muslim community is still relatively young.  It was very, very small.  Minuscule back then.

Growing up at a time like that, I got to see the evolution of the Muslim community, the development of the Muslim community until the point where we are today.  At the same time, there was amongst the immigrant Muslim community this notion and idea – and I don't mean to offend anyone – and this delusion that we're all eventually going “back home.”  That was the tone of the immigrant Muslim community in the 80s.  That was their mindset during the 80s and even leading into the 90s – that they are all eventually going back home.

There was a certain amount of denial about dealing with the issues at hand.  I remember very vividly that when people would even address social issues and social evils and family issues that were very, very common at that point in time in general American society, there was this distancing from those issues and concerns by saying, “Those are their problems, not ours.  That happens with them, not us.”

I still remember during the early 90s, one of my main teachers and mentors and senior shuyukh Mufti Naeem (ḥafiẓahullāh) used to visit the United States on an annual basis.  He would travel around and talk to communities.  I was a very young ḥāfiẓ of the Qurʾān at that time.  I was leading ṣalāt'l-tarāwīḥ for a community at a masjid and he came to visit and check on me and see how we were doing.  We had close family relationships as well.  He came to the tarāwīḥ prayers to check on me and see how I was doing, and of course we requested him to address the congregation like I am addressing you now.  He started talking about the family issues.  He was trying to emphasize adhering to the dīn and learning the dīn and the importance of instilling a system of tarbiyah within the homes and within the community so that our children could grow up with the proper Islamic perspective.  Otherwise, the social evils in family issues that we saw “out there” and “amongst them” – notice the specific language that I am using – before we know it, it will be standing at our own doorstep and be inside of our own homes and communities.

I remember being very young and shocked by the reaction.  I remember some community members becoming very angry, shouting at the shaykh and interrupting him saying, “How dare you!”  He was talking about issues like divorce, kids running away from home, children rebelling against their parents, families breaking apart and cutting each other off and disowning each other – things that have become commonplace in our communities today, right?

I still remember very vividly some community members becoming very angry.  “How dare you even talk about this stuff?  Don't even mention the word divorce!  Our children and families are here.  How dare you talk about this stuff!  These aren't our problems.  We're Muslims.  We don't have these problems.  Those are their problems.”  Pardon my use of the word – I don't condone speaking in this manner, but I'm trying to paint the picture for you of what the mentality was – “Those are the kuffār's problems.  Those aren't our problems.  We don't have those issues.”  There was such a complete denial and obliviousness and delusion present in our communities at that time.

Before you knew it, my same teacher visiting year after year, it was literally a number of years before he was opening up and giving a lecture on taqwa or ṣabr or fasting or the importance of Qurʾān and he was specifically being requested to talk about marriage.  He is specifically being requested to talk about divorce and children rebelling against their parents.

This is the reality that we have to come to terms with.  “Their problems” are the same problems we have.  There is a certain common thread between a lot of these issues; therefore, the factors are the same.  Some solutions might also be very, very similar.  We will, of course, have our own take on them because of the guidance of Allāh and the guidance of His Messenger .  Nevertheless, there are some common threads that we have to understand.  We also have to understand that we are not immune, as Muslims, Muslim families and Muslim communities, to the evils, problems, circumstances and situations that may be “out there.”  That is the very first reality.

2.  There is a second reality that I would like to address here before getting to some specifics of the family situation and the condition and situation of families.  It is very important, and we have to understand this.  A lot of times, for us, this is not wrong or incorrect in any way, shape or form, but nevertheless it is a concern and some people are very focused in this regard.

For some people, the bottom line is just spirituality.  Just Islam, īmān.  They translate Islam and īmān as just a connection with Allāh and the spiritual part of it – the spiritual relationships and the spiritual connection to Allāh.

Understand one thing:  family struggles, family difficulties, unrest, trouble, chaos, distress in the home, and unhappiness in the home affect spirituality.  It affects people's relationship with Allāh.  It has a very profound impact on an individual.  When someone is struggling in their marriage, in their relationship with their children, in their home, and the harmony in the home is gone, that will affect a person's spiritual condition.

How often has it been the case that when you are having a fight at home and are in the middle of a very serious situation with your spouse – yes the mind initially goes to making du'ā', but when it goes on and persists and becomes a serious problem and serious issue, how common is it that you forget to pray?  You don't think of the prayer.  You don't feel like getting up and praying.  You become neglectful of even your ṣalāh.  How common is that?

Understand that even unrest within the home and the emotional distress that a human experiences due to concerns in the family and distress in the family affects spirituality.  Make no mistake about that.

Key Dynamics & Relationships of the Family

Having said that, what are some of the key dynamics and key relationships of family where we are struggling, and what are some of the struggles that we are experiencing?  Then, very briefly, we'll talk a little bit about – it is a very short lecture, so obviously we can't solve the problems here and can't even in detail address the issues and solutions, but we can at least raise awareness.  Understand that raising awareness is the first step to solving any problem.  After a person admits that there is a problem, the next step is raising awareness about the issue and about some of the solutions.  We need to at least start talking about this and becoming aware.  That's what we'll do here.

Parent-Child

The very first universal dynamic of family relationships is the parent-child relationship.  Everyone is either a parent or a child.  We'll talk about marriage and some other things, but the very first universal application of family is the parent-child relationship.  Everyone is either a parent or a child.

Something very beautiful about the Qurʾān, the Book of Allāh, the ultimate source of guidance, ultimate reminder and ultimate lesson is Allāh talks about this relationship.  Allāh highlights both the problems and the solutions.  Allāh presents problematic, difficult parent-child relationships to us in the Qurʾān, and He presents to us harmonious, beautiful, happy, functional, beneficial, flourishing parent-child relationships within the Qurʾān as well to both present the problem and the solution.

The Qurʾān is not a storybook.  The Qurʾān is not a history textbook.  The Qurʾān is guidance.  It is a reminder.  It presents and solves problems.  It points out our problems to us and solves those problems for us.  When Allāh chooses to mention something in His Book and in His Speech, it is there for a reason and purpose because it is very important and very relevant.

Allāh in Sūrah Maryam, and other places as well, very extensively presents the difficult and strained relationship of Ibrāhīm with his father.  A father is frustrated with his son, and the son is frustrated with the father.  Both have their own perspectives.  The father is frustrated with the son because the son has abandoned the culture, the religion, the ways of his father, family, community, forefathers.  The son is frustrated with the father because the father is in denial about the truth – believing in one God.  They are going back and forth.  The son is telling the father very respectfully “O abati (O my dear father),” which is like how we would say, “Dad, please.  Abu, come on, please.  Baba, please.”  He is pleading with his father and says “ya abati” four times.  At the beginning of every statement, he says, “Dad, please.”  Ya abati, ya abati.  He is trying to be respectful and not point any blame.  “You are not bad, dad.  Shaytan is bad.”  He is trying to plead with the father, and the father is frustrated with the child.  “So you're trying to tell me my gods aren't good enough for you, Ibrāhīm?”  He doesn't say “my dear son.”  “I'll kill you!”  It literally means in Arabic, “I'll stone you,” which is an expression in Arabic meaning “I'll kill you.  I'll hurt you.  You need to stop know, I'll hurt you.”  “Get out of here, you are dead to me.  You are nothing to me.”  Look how difficult that relationship is.  Allāh presents such a parent-child relationship.

Ya'qūb with the older sons is a strained relationship.  They are jealous:  “He likes Yūsuf better than he likes us.  He chooses Yūsuf over us.  He loves Yūsuf more than he loves us.  Why?”  The father is trying to make the sons understand.  “What is wrong with you guys?  Why would you even say that?  Why would you even think that?”  The father knows that the sons have taken their younger brother and disposed of him.  The father knows they are lying to his face, but what can he do?  This is a difficult relationship.

A parent-child relationship is something that Allāh tells us:  “There are lessons.”  There will be difficulties in the parent-child relationship.  The child will feel like the parents just don't understand them, and the parents will be frustrated with the child.  “I only want good for you.  Why won't you listen to me?”  The child says, “You don't understand me!”  The parent says, “You don't listen to me!”  I think all of us have experienced that.  SubḥānAllāh something that is unique about this relationship, this is not only when the children are young.  This is not only in the teenage years.  Those who are older and have older parents also know the struggles and the challenges.  That is why you know that very famous ayah of the Qurʾān from Sūrat'l-Isrā', “Don't even say uff to your parents.”

Do you know what context it is in?  It is specifically talking about when one or both of your parents have reached senility and have become old and senile.  Now they are angry.  They are frustrated and their body is falling apart.  They are ill and sick.  They can't eat properly, they can't sleep properly, they can't walk properly.  Do you know how difficult that is?  As young, able-bodied people we have no understanding of how frustrating that must be.  Imagine living your life on your own feet and being independent for 50, 60 years and then one day you cannot even get up and go get a glass of water by yourself and can't get a glass of water by yourself.  Imagine what that's like.  They are angry.  They are short-tempered, frustrated.  Even the mind begins to go.  The emotions become frail.  Allāh tells us, “They get returned back to the worst of ages.”

One of my dear, dear friends, one of my best friends, accepted Islam in middle school and we grew up together.  He is a convert and his parents are not Muslim yet.  Make du'ā' for them inshā'Allāh.  May Allāh bless them with guidance, hidāyah.  Both of his parents are old and have health issues, but his mother suffered a very severe stroke recently to the point where she lost a lot of function in half her body.  He told me, “Nasir, you know when life hits you and you wake up to the reality of life, the reality of so many things hit you in the face.  60 miles per hour.”  He is working and working hard.  He travels for work and has to be away from his parents because he is financially supporting them and paying the medical bills for the nurse to be there to take care of his mother.  All of the responsibility is on him.  He said, “I was visiting my parents over the weekend, back home from work and off the road.  I went back to my parents and was with them over the weekend.  I sat there and fed my mother with a spoon.  I spoon-fed my own mom.”

SubḥānAllāh.  That's when I realized.  You know when you sit there and feed your child?  I have a two-year old at home.  When you sit there and feed your child and say, “Come on, come on.  Open up.”

Another one of my dear, dear friends, we studied together.  We grew up together and are like brothers.  His mother also has very difficult health and suffered a stroke and is dealing with a lot.  I visited him and his mother with him.  Having to force her to speak and to talk and to interact and to eat, asking, “Come on, did you eat your food?”  SubḥānAllāh.

Allāh is talking about when parents reach old age.  My grandmother , may Allāh bless her and grant her Jannat'l-Firdaws, developed Alzheimer's before she passed away.  SubḥānAllāh.  I witnessed that and I witnessed my mother, aunt, and uncle experiencing that.  The mind was gone.  Allāh in that context is speaking about our parents becoming old, the difficulty and the frustration with parents.  Teenagers say, “You are making my life difficult.  God, you hate me.  Why do you hate me so much?  You never want to let me do anything.  You want to ruin my life.”  Usually it is about sleeping over at a friend's house on a Friday night.  “But everyone is going to be there.  You are destroying my life.”  The frustration that kids have with parents is not relegated to teenagers.  Anyone who has elderly parents and is an adult now and mature now – “I'm an adult.  I'm mature now.  I don't have drama.  I don't have teenage hormones.  I'm not going through that phase in my life.  I'm not an adolescent” – you still know about the frustration with parents, don't you?  You might be an adult and you might not have drama anymore, but now your parents are old and fragile and senile and demanding.  They don't want your money.  “I've paid their bills, what more do they want?  I send money every month, what more do they want?”  They just want to sit and talk to you.  That's all they want.  They still want to know that they exist and matter to you.  They still want you to ask their opinion about something like you used to.

Allāh is speaking specifically.  Frustration with parents is a universal thing.  Everyone is dealing with it.  Similarly, frustration with the children and disappointment with children is a universal thing.  When they are kids, they don't listen, they don't learn, they don't pay attention.  The world is opening up to my four year-old and she is starting to become more and more independent every single day.  It is already awkward for her now.  I dropped by her school and walked into the classroom and saw her working.  You know, when your children are small, or at any age for that matter, when you look at your children, you are overcome with love.  The love just fills your heart.  I hadn't seen her for three hours – she went to school at 8 in the morning and I'm there at 11 and it already feels like a lifetime.  What did I do?  I walked up to her from behind her and hugged her and kissed her.  She said, “Abuuu, stop!”  When she got home later that day, she tells my wife, “Mommy, Abu hugged me and kissed me in front of everybody.”  I'm like, “What's wrong with that?  Of course I hugged you and kissed you because you are my baby girl!”

It starts there, and they start to become independent.  Anybody who has teenagers, they know.  I was recently talking to a friend and colleague, another imam, and we were all getting together and talking about how much we love our communities and how amazing our lives are, māshā'Allāh.  We are all fairly younger and all have small children and babies except for one of colleagues who has a teenager.  It struck me.  I asked him, “We talk and lecture so much and preach all the time.  How is it having a teenager?”  He says, “Ya, Al-Salām. Make du'ā' for me.”  That's all he could say.

The disappointment and frustration with children is universal, whether they are kids or teenagers and even when your children are all grown up.  You think my parents don't still get frustrated with me?  Of course they do.  Even when they are all grown up and have kids of their own and are responsible individuals and have a job and a home and a family, they is still always going to be frustration because of what I just mentioned.  “You don't have time for me anymore?  You can't come and say 'hi'?  You can't say salām to your mom?”

My mom text messages me, which weirds me out.  There is something that seems unnatural about an older Pakistani woman text messaging.  It's like, why do you even know how to text message?  She text messages me and she expects a text message back.  If I don't respond back in the next couple of minutes because I was lecturing or teaching, then I get a follow-up text message with a question mark.  The next one has two question marks.  The third one has three question marks.  “Where are you?”  It's a universal thing to be frustrated with your children.  All of us experience this.

That's one of the situations and dynamics in which we require some guidance and need some direction.  I'm going to lay out some of the key family relationships and what are their issues, and then we are going to talk about implementation of some of the solutions.

Marriage & Spousal Relationship

The second family dynamic that we struggle with and are experiencing problems in regards to is marital discord, starting all the way from pre-marriage, how to get married.  It is a universal problem and has become a very common problem.  You can ask the shaykh.  How many young people show up at his doorstep?  “I want to get married to so-and-so but this problem or her parents or my parents or this or that…”  It starts from there.  Even problems in the marriage.

Sometimes in a rush of emotions or even in religious overzealousness, “I have to avoid the sin and avoid the fitnah and get married.”  Who, when, why, what, how – “Doesn't matter, brother.  It's the Sunnah.”  I'm pretty sure getting married blindly is not the Sunnah, but that's what happens.  Very, very young people are getting married in religious overzealousness or a rush of emotions.  A couple of years into marriage, they realize they didn't know the person they got married to.

It's becoming so common for young people and newlywed couples to be divorced within a number of months or even a couple of years if not a couple of months.  Lack of responsibility in a marriage.  A husband not taking his responsibility seriously.  A wife not behaving responsibly.  When you have young children, so many couples experience marital issues and problems.  Why?  “He is not being a father to his children.”  “She is not being a good mother.”  Lack of responsibility.

In-law interference. 

This is a term I came up with.  You know pass interference for football fans?  In-law interference (TM).  It is a major issue.  You have a clash of cultures and a clash of worlds and dimensions happening.  Is all interference from in-laws bad?  Absolutely not.  Nevertheless, the dynamics of that interference and how that interference is causing problems.  The in-law problem.

Lack of Maturity

Rushing into decisions and rushing into marriage.  Prioritization.  For some people, work comes before the family.  For some people, the religious cause, the organization, the association, the movement, the spreading of the dīn comes before family.  That is becoming a problem.  Families are being torn apart why?  Honestly, this is an oxymoron.  If somebody's family failed because of their service to the dīn and because of da'wah, it doesn't even make sense and is a contradiction.  It is an oxymoron and impossible.  It obviously means that somebody did not understand the dīn or religion.

Lack of Communication

In prioritization, there is another thing.  Sometimes it can be the religion and sometimes it can be work, money, greed, and that is justified by saying, “But I want to give you guys a nice home to live in.  I want to give you guys the life that I never had.  I want our kids to go to the best school.”  What happens because of that?  We destroy the family that we were using for justification to chase after money.

Sometimes it's my own hobbies and indulgences.  “I'm married but I still have to play Modern Warfare all night long with my friends.”  “I'm married but I still have to go to the basketball tournament.  I work all week and Saturday is the basketball tournament and the wife is waiting, and we're finally going to spend some good quality time together but I have to go ball with the boys.”  My own personal hobbies and my own personal indulgences.  This is football country.  I come from Dallas, another football area, so you guys will understand what I'm talking about.  Saturday is college ball and bowl games, which equals twelve hours of fun in front of the television.  “What the spouse does is their problem. I'm sorry, I'm not going to change me.  I'm not changing for anybody.  You married me and that's what you get.  I heard you say, 'I accept,' so you accepted ASU football as well, as terrible as it is.”  Sunday is football – NFL game day.  I have the NFL package where it is 8 screens on the TV at one time.  In a 12-hour period, I watch 15 games simultaneously.  Congratulations.  Mubarak.  Do you want a cookie?  Or maybe a laddoo?  What do you want?

Prioritization

Prioritization and a lack of sense of what the priorities are.  In this culture we have a challenge.  I was born and raised in Dallas, TX.  From this culture's perspective, I will tell you one huge problem we have with prioritization, something that we put before families that is very unique and specific to this culture.  There is a phrase and expression that guides you.  I can't repeat it here.  It is offensive and inappropriate and this is the masjid and House of Allāh, so it's impossible and I wouldn't because it is inappropriate.  They basically say, “bros before ____.”  Don't say it!  They use a very derogatory word about women.  It is basically putting your friends before women even though that word doesn't even apply to a person's wife, astaghfirullāh.

Nevertheless, that same concept is applied to marriage.  “Uh-uh, my friends come first.  Going to hang with the boys.”  This isn't even specific to the guys.  It is even in regards to the women.  If a woman gets married and is a wife now, how dare she not go out with the friends to dinner?  They get shunned and outcast by their unmarried friends.  They get pushed out by their unmarried friends.  This is a real struggle that people are having.  They literally have to reinvent their friends circle and rediscover friends.  First when they get married, the unmarried friends want no part.  “She has no time for us anymore.  She has to go and spend time with her husband.”  Like that is a ridiculous concept.

The young married friends who don't have children say about the first one to have children, “God, she's so lame to hang out with now.  Everything is about a diaper and milk.”  God forbid she be a good mother, right?  Now she is being again outcast by her friends and she has to go out there and discover other mom friends.  This is a struggle people have.  People crumble underneath that pressure.  “My friends have to be put first.  What am I going to do without my friends?”  The marriage, the children, everything will come second.  The marriage struggles because of a lack of prioritization.

Lack of communication.  That's one of the most universal issues and problems.  Never establishing a line of communication let alone being comfortable communicating concerns, problems or even good things.  Nothing is communicated.   Lines of communication are never established.  Again, this is a culture in which we pride ourselves in individuality and independence.  “I'm independent and my own self and I don't need anybody's help.”  That manifests itself and creates problems even in marriages.

Unwillingness to Compromise

“Why should I change anything about myself?  If you don't like the way things are, then you deal with it.”   Complete total lack of compromise.  Absolutely no motivation and no inclination to sacrifice anything.  “I should not have to sacrifice anything.”  This on both sides of the marriage.  I'm not sitting here giving some old school lecture about women having to sacrifice.  This is on both sides.

I feel that especially some of the very unique dynamics we have, I can speak about my generation and our challenges.  I feel that lack of sacrifice and unwillingness to sacrifice exists actually more amongst the guys than it does amongst the girls.  Just complete and total unwillingness to sacrifice anything.

Sibling Rivalry

Then a third manifestation, which I'll talk about more briefly, of family issues or family problems is sibling rivalry.  It's a little more unique that even marriage, but nevertheless it is a problem and issue, whether it is the parents favoring unknowingly and unintentionally one child over another that harbors and creates resentment amongst the children for each other.

As families and parents, we have to learn to be sensitive to the strengths and weaknesses of each and every child.  Be cognizant of what is each child's needs.  If something works for one child, maybe that is not what will work for the other child.  Be cognizant of their specific needs.

Not creating and not fostering an environment of competition amongst the children where they feel they have to compete for the parents' love and approval.  I hate to bring up personal things, but I'll mention it.  Abdullah, the crazy guy running around and setting up all of the gadgetry here, is my younger brother.  From what you see here, that's exactly what you get.  I'm the one talking on the microphone and he is the one recording, editing, and uploading the videos, doing all the back-end video work, but there's not a sense of competition.  We have to learn to appreciate what everybody brings to the table.  We have to learn to respect everybody and not compete with each other in regards to what we are doing.  We need to not create an environment of competition but one of collaboration.  When we collaborate and come together, how unbelievable of a strong unit we can become as a family and siblings and brothers and sisters.

I know I'm going to date myself with this reference, but does anybody remember Voltron?  It's like Voltron.  For somebody a little younger, Captain Planet.

Solutions

What are some solutions that we can begin to implement to repair this family situation?

1.  Spirituality

I talked about this in the beginning, and I'll bring it up here again.  When we repair our relationship with Allāh – understand that our relationship with Allāh is the basis and foundation of everything in our lives.  This is something we say in the Qurʾān, this is something we say in adhkār, this is something we say in supplications and du'ā's.  That is:  “Allāh is the source of all blessings.  Allāh is the One that grants blessings.”

There are aḥadīth and traditions and narrations to the effect that when we repair our relationship with Allāh, Allāh will repair everything else.  When a person is beloved to Allāh, Allāh has what announcement made in the heavens and on the earth as well?  “Allāh says, 'I love him, so everybody else love him as well.  O Jibrīl, I love him so you love him.'  Jibrīl says, 'Allāh loves him, I love him, so all of the inhabitants of heaven love him.'”  The inhabitants of the heavens, the malā'ikah, come down to the earth and say what?  “Allāh loves him, Jibrīl loves, we love him, so therefore all of you love him or her.”

When we fix things with Allāh, Allāh will but barakah and blessings in everything else in our lives.  This is something that is very obvious.  That's why the Prophet said, “Tell your families to pray, and you be regular and punctual about prayer yourself. You be steadfast about the prayer yourself.  Tie yourself upon the prayer.”

Talking about the parent-child relationship, we have to learn to repair our relationships.  The parents must repair their relationships with Allāh.  That is why we are taught a du'ā':  “Rabbana habb lana min azwājina wa dhurriyyātina qurrata a'yun waj'alna lilmuttaqīna imāma.”  Make our spouses and our children the coolness of our eyes, and make all of us the leaders of the muttaqīn.  We have to repair spirituality – the parents and the children – and do it together as a family.  Pray together as a family.  Make du'ā'.  First fix your relationship with Allāh, and that will put barakah and blessings and start to repair the relationship with the family members.

Marriage:  In āyah 238 of Sūrat'l-Baqarah, Allāh says, “Very carefully, very cautiously, very diligently watch over the prayers.”  Do you know what is very interesting about this ayah?  Allāh mentions this ayah in the middle of a passage which talks about divorce.  In the middle of giving us advice about divorce, Allāh says, “Watch over the prayers.”  Why?  Because maybe you are having problems in your marriage because you are having problems with your relationship with Allāh.  Go back and fix your relationship with Allāh and put barakah and blessings and raḥmah and the Mercy of Allāh back into your marriage.

The houses in which Qurʾān is recited, the inhabitants of the heavens and skies have the stars shine onto the inhabitants of the earth.  Our houses become filled with nūr and barakah and blessing when we recite Qurʾān in them.  The Prophet would pray the farḍ daily prayers in the masjid.  Where would he pray his sunnah and nawāfil prayers?  In the home.  Do you know what that means for the Prophet ?  This is the masjid and that's the home.  Do you see the difference?  He would take four steps and be in his home, but he would still go and make the distinction and establish the fact that he would take those four steps, cross through the curtain, and pray in the home where the wife and family members were.  Bring spirituality back into your life, home, parent-child relationship, and marriage and see how it repairs.

When you have spirituality and a good relationship with Allāh, it makes you secure in yourself.  It gives you confidence and removes the insecurities.  The parents are not insecure about their children.  The children are not so constantly skeptical or paranoid about the parents.  Even sibling rivalry – they become secure in themselves through their relationship with Allāh.

The Prophet of Allāh was told this same point.  In Sūrah Ya Sīn, Allāh says, “Don't doubt yourself, you are most definitely from the messengers.”  It gives you that sense of security.  First spirituality needs to be re-established.  We need to fix the relationship with Allāh.  Family relationships will start to get better.

2.  Establishing Communication

The second basic step is establishing communication. If you don't have it, establish it, as awkward and as difficult as that might be.  Initially when you establish communication, it is like pulling teeth, but establish it.  If you have it, then broaden it and work on it and continue to build on it and maintain it.  Open it further.  Communication is very important.

I told you how Allāh presents certain difficult parent-child relationships in the Qurʾān.  Allāh also presents beautiful parent-child relationships in the Qurʾān.  Luqmān does what to his son?  Does he yell at him?  Does he say, “Hey, you stupid boy, come here”?  He says, “Ya bunaya,” which literally means in Arabic “my small son.”  This is an Arabic expression for saying “my dear son, my beloved son.” Like when you have a nickname for your child, when you speak to your child with love.  He talks to his child.  He is advising him, not lecturing him and not wagging his finger at him.  He is not yelling at him.  He is not scolding him and not constantly telling his son how disappointed he is in him.  He is having a conversation with his son.  “My dear son.”

Yūsuf sees a dream, a life-altering and life-changing dream.  What did he do with that dream?  Go and tell his friends?  Text message his friends?  Updates his Facebook status?  No.  He goes and talks to his father.  He says, “Ya abati (my dear, dear father),…”  He speaks to his father and communicates to his father.

The Prophet , the best husband of all times, did what?  He would communicate with his wives. 'Ā'ishah says, “I never saw anyone do more counsel and shūrah than the Prophet .  Nobody would consult in anything more – not just community affairs or religious affairs but even the affairs of the home.  He would talk to us.  He would communicate to us.”  At Ḥudaybiyyah when the Prophet was frustrated at the ṣaḥābah who were dumbfounded and speechless, he is telling them to shave their heads, sacrifice their animals, and open their iḥrām, and they were not getting up and going because they were dumbfounded and overwhelmed and almost traumatized by what happened that they have to go back without doing 'Umrah, the Prophet did what?  Who does he speak to?  His wife, Umm Salamah.  He speaks to his wife about being a prophet and the affairs of prophethood.  He communicates.  He doesn't go there and throw a fit.  “Where is my food?  Why is this place always dirty?  What is wrong with you?  Why are you looking at me like that?  What is your problem?  Why are the kids always making noise?”  He doesn't take it out on her.  He goes in there and says, “I don't know what to do.  What is wrong?  They are just not moving.”  It's not like they are not listening or not obeying.  Wa na'ūdhu billāh.  These are the ṣaḥābah .  But they are dumbfounded and traumatized.  She gives him advice, and subḥānAllāh that advice works.

The wives of the Prophet felt so comfortable openly speaking to him.  There is a famous story about Umar saying something to his wife, and his wife says, “Uh-uh.  I ain't about to do that.  I don't agree with you.”  From back in the day and old school mentality of Makkah and the Quraysh, he was like, “What?  Did you just speak back to me?”  She says, “Yes.  What's wrong with that? The Prophet doesn't mind.”  “What do you mean the Prophet doesn't mind?”  The daughter of 'Umar , Ḥafṣah, was one of the wives of the Prophet , umm'l-mu'minīn.  “She speaks emotionally and he doesn't mind.”  He says, “What?”  He rushes over there and says, “Girl, have you lost your mind?  You speak back to the Prophet of Allāh ?”  She says, “No, it's communication.  He tells us to speak our minds.  He asks us what we think about things.  He doesn't mind.”  Communication.  It helps in the parent-child relationship as we see in the example of Luqmān and Yūsuf.  It most definitely helps in a marriage.

Establishing communication.  Then paying attention to how you communicate.  In a parent-child relationship, the parent might say, “Yeah, I talk to him everyday.”  But if all you say to your child is “clean up your room,” then yes, you speak to your child everyday.  “Clean up your room.  Did you do your homework?  Why do you fail your tests?  Why are you so stupid?”  If you speak to your child, that is not enough.  How you communicate matters as well.  What do you say?  How do you speak?  Lovingly.  Kindly.

When spouses speak to each other, if everything is a sarcastic jab: “So you didn't make food today, huh?” – that is not a question, by the way.  You know that is not a question.  “Oh, so I guess you are busy today, huh?”  That is not a question.  That's a slap in the face.  Nothing good comes from communication like that.  You have to give the benefit of the doubt and be open and loving and caring and considerate.

Having credibility and understand when you start to communicate, the problem will not fix itself overnight.  One day you try to have a nice conversation:  “What's going on with you?  I hope you are doing well.  Everything is good.”  And for now you have a history of ten or fifteen years of bad communication and have one nice twenty-minute conversation and the other side is not warming up to you yet, don't be like “See, you are obviously wrong.  I tried and I was nice, and it didn't work.  See, it doesn't work.  My way works.  You don't know what you are talking about.”  It doesn't change overnight.

The Prophet of Allāh was ṣādiq'l-amīn and then he presented the message.  You have to have some credibility and establish that credibility.  You have to establish trust, and it won't happen overnight.

3.  Prioritization

Spirituality, communication, and the third area where we can work on to improve these family relationships is like what I mentioned extensively:  prioritization.  We have to put these family relationships in the right priority, and that is making time for family whether that is a parent-child relationship or a spousal relationship, make time for each other.  Even the sibling rivalry can be solved by spending time together and making time for each other.

Just as a clarification for the father who works tirelessly, and that is fine and respected, but understand that you might say, “I spend eight hours a day at home,” but you spend those eight hours a day sleeping on your face.”  That doesn't count as family time.  “You know, I come home, don't I?”  Yeah you come home, use the bathroom, and go to sleep.  That doesn't count as spending time with your spouse.  You have to spend good, quality family time with each other.  You have to make time for each other.  Put each other as a first priority.

Here comes the shocking part.  We have to redefine the boundaries of 'ibādah.  There is no guilt in spending time with family.  Yes, it should not deter you from your basic responsibilities to Allāh .  Ṣalāh is ṣalāh.  Prayer is prayer.  But at the same time we do have to redefine the boundaries of 'ibādah, of nafl (extra worship).  Having a nice, quiet intimate dinner with your spouse and having a candlelit dinner with your wife is 'ibādah.  It is a virtuous deed.  Good deed.  Reward.  Yes!  I'm not crazy.

You know when you wrestle around with your children and play with your kids – my kids are young – and play hide-and-go-seek (where my daughter constantly cheats, all the time, so when it's my turn to hide and her turn to seek, she counts while looking at me.)  Alḥamdulillāh, I've developed a lot of upper body strength.  Do you know how?  Swings.  Non-stop.  These kids never get tired. I think there's a possibility my daughters could grow up to be pilots.  They never get tired of being on a swing.  My younger one is two-years old, and the first thing she does after she wakes up in the morning is go to the backdoor because we have a swing set in the backyard, and she says, “Outside!”  That is code for “let me outside.”  She doesn't waste a lot of time and is very impatient.  If her request is not immediately obliged, then the second time, “Outside!”  And the third time, it is a straight up scream.  “Outside!!!”  Spending quality time with them.  Making time for them.  You know what?  Playing hide-and-go-seek with your kids and pushing them on the swings is an act of worship.  It is an act of 'ibādah.

The Messenger of Allāh told the ṣaḥābah that when spouses (husband and wife) experience intimacy with each other – I'm going to speak in general terms because we have a broad audience.  When a husband and wife experience intimacy with each other, physical intimacy, the Prophet of Allāh said, “It is a virtuous act.”  The ṣaḥābah were shocked just as much as you probably are.  Are you serious?  Is that for real?  The Prophet of Allāh had very simple logic.  If you were to commit the same physical act outside of a marriage, would it be a sin?  Yes.  This is an act of reward and an act of virtue in marriage.  What lesson we learn from that is engaging in the actual relationship and seeking emotional pleasure in the relationship is a virtuous act and an act of reward.

Something that is established through research and something I learned a practical lesson from my own father as a role model for me was:  My dad was very involved at the masjid and one of the founders of the masjid that we all grew up going to, and alḥamdulillāh at retirement age he was able to found another masjid in a new area we moved to.  My uncles and dad were always involved in this frontline, and māshā'Allāh alḥamdulillāh I learned from them.  But you know, one thing though?  Being on the board of the masjid, being a founder of the masjid, being involved in the da'wah activity at the masjid, it never got in the way of the family and was never put before family.  There could be a meeting going on in the masjid and my dad would get a call and he would say, “Excuse me, I'm not going to be able to make it to the meeting at the masjid.  If that gets me kicked off the board, fine then kick me off.”  My dad owned his own business, by the way.  How many people here own their own business?  A businessman knows that the job never ends.  A businessman never clocks out.  A businessman lives, eats, and sleeps his business.  But everyday there was a cut-off time for my dad.  5 o'clock, done.  Doors closed, the phone goes off.  “You'll pay extra if I come right now?  It's okay, I guess I'll just see you tomorrow.  You're going to go to somebody else?  Then I guess you'll go to somebody else.   My rizq is given by Allāh.  I'm not going to sacrifice my family.”  5 o'clock everyday.  Then he came home and sat with us, talked to us, played with us, helped us with our homework.  Then we ate dinner together as a family.  Then when dinner was done, he went for ṣalāt'l-'ishā'at the masjid and I went with him.  But that was every single day.  Nothing would get in the way of that.  Not the business, not the meeting at the masjid, not the da'wah activity, nothing.  Family first.

We have to learn that prioritization and that attitude, redefining these boundaries of 'ibādah and worship and understanding what's important.  It's very, very important that we understand what's important.

The Center for Substance Abuse and Addiction at Columbia University published research and Time magazine ran the story in June 2006.  I recommend you go and look it up and read it.  It talks about how families and homes where they eat one meal together every single day are happier, healthier homes and families because they spend quality time together.

One of the recommendations that I mentioned from the Qurʾān is praying ṣalāh together.  Merge family time and spirituality together.  When you are going to go to the park, pray ẓuhr and then head out to the park.  You are going to go for ice cream?  Pray  'ishā' and then go out for ice cream.  Merge these together and create a positive association.  That is how you can do tarbiyah with your family and children and instill the dīn within your children.  Eating meals together brings the hearts together.

4. Expressing Love & Appreciation

The fourth area that we can work on is expressing love and appreciation for each other.  There is no such thing as showing too much love.  Expectations have its place, rules and boundaries have their place.  I'm not talking about that.  We confuse love with those things.  Have discipline, have boundaries, have limitations, have rules, have consequences.  Have all of that, but express love.  Tell your children how much you love them.  Tell your spouse how much you love them.  Show appreciation.  Don't just have appreciation.  “Oh, but I do appreciate you.  Do I have to show it?  Do I have to buy you flowers?”  Yes, you do!  Do you have to take her out for a nice meal?  Yes.  Do I have to tell you how much I love you, and do I have to hug and kiss you?  Yes!  Very, very, very important!

I understand that this breaks certain cultural taboos.  In certain cultures, its awkward and strange for a father to tell his children “I love you” when they put them to bed at night and when they wake up in the morning and when they salām. “Al-salāmu 'alaykum.  How are you guys doing?  Everything is ok?  I love you guys.”  I know that it seems awkward or taboo in certain cultures, but again, I go back to the very first point that I made, you have to understand where you children are coming from.  You have to understand human expectations and in the parent-child relationship and marital relationship, expressing love and appreciation.

5. Make Du'ā'

The last and final point I'll make here:  make du'ā'.  Never forget to make du'ā'.  Allāh taught us a comprehensive du'ā':  “Rabbana habb lana min azwājina wa dhurriyyātina qurrata a'yun waj'alna lilmuttaqīna imāma.”   Coolness of the eyes.  Do you know what coolness of the eyes means?  It is an ancient Arabic expression.  To understand an expression sometimes, you have to look at them and understand them from the perspective of the people who used that expression.  You have to understand it from their perspective.  The ancient Arabs would say this.  You guys living in Arizona will be able to relate to this.  Imagine the summer time in the middle of the desert.   It is 120 degrees outside, but imagine you don't have these comfortable buildings and structures.  Imagine you don't have air conditioning and fans.  You are out there in the middle of the desert in the scorching heat.  Hot winds are blowing the hot sand into your eyes.  Even now with air conditioning and everything that you have, sometimes in the summer how dry do your eyes get?  How irritated do your eyes become, and how much do they itch?  Imagine being out in the desert without all this luxury and experiencing that.  Your eyes feel like they are on fire.  Your eyes feel like you want to rip them out and scratch them until they are gone.  Then you come across some cool, clean water, and you take that water and splash it into your eyes and on your face.  How refreshing and invigorating and how amazing that would feel.

We are saying, “O Allāh, when I look at my spouse, when I look at my children, make it feel like I just splashed cool, clean water in my eyes and face.  Refresh me.  And make all of us from the muttaqīn imams and leaders of the most pious and righteous.  Make us role models for generations to come.”

In connection with this, these are just like I said initially, some topics and concerns that have been on my mind for a long, long time. As you see from the context of the Qurʾān and sīrah and ḥadīth of the Prophet , this is a very core concept of our religion and faith and this is a basic human need and concern. Alḥamdulillāh, this is just a short conversation that I wanted to share.  This is part of a larger project that I am embarking on through Qalam Institute.  We are going to have a traveling program called Happiness in the Home where we will be traveling around the country to different communities and have a full seminar talking about some of these concerns and implementing more practical solutions so we can better the condition and situation of families throughout our communities, inshā'Allāh.

These are just some thoughts and things that I wanted to share with the community here today.  Again I want to thank you for being patient and listening and being attentive.  I hope and I pray that this was a source of benefit for everyone.  Jazākum Allāh khayran.

May Allāh accept from all of us and give us the ability to practice that which we have heard.  Al-salāmu 'alaykum wa raḥmatullāh.

We are living in an era of information explosion in which data, news and knowledge of all kinds stream into our lives 24/7 via multiple media inlets, so much so that now it has become a challenge to pick and choose that input which we want to receive; which we deem relevant. Pregnancy, childbirth, infant care and parenting topics are no exception.

From detailed pregnancy books to 3D-animated videos; subscriptions that facilitate personalized, week-by-week email pregnancy updates, to extensive online obstetric resources and pediatric websites, an expectant mother nowadays is amply aware of every change that is going on inside her body, as it happens or even beforehand.

The Quran revealed the process of the creation of man long before science gave every part of his anatomy, down to the inner contents of his individual cells, a unique name and pictorial description.

In fact, in the Quran, Allāh described the chronological phases of fetal growth and development 14 centuries ago, long before any ultrasound machine existed:

وَلَقَدْ خَلَقْنَا الْإِنسَانَ مِن سُلَالَةٍ مِّن طِينٍ

ثُمَّ جَعَلْنَاهُ نُطْفَةً فِي قَرَارٍ مَّكِينٍ

ثُمَّ خَلَقْنَا النُّطْفَةَ عَلَقَةً فَخَلَقْنَا الْعَلَقَةَ مُضْغَةً فَخَلَقْنَا الْمُضْغَةَ عِظَامًا فَكَسَوْنَا الْعِظَامَ لَحْمًا ثُمَّ أَنشَأْنَاهُ خَلْقًا آخَرَ فَتَبَارَكَ اللَّهُ أَحْسَنُ الْخَالِقِينَ

“Verily We created man from a product of wet earth; then placed him as a drop (of seed) in a safe lodging; then We fashioned the drop into a clot, then We fashioned the clot into a little lump, then We fashioned the little lump into bones, then clothed the bones with flesh, and then produced it another creation. So blessed be Allāh, the Best of Creators!” [23:12-14]

هُوَ الَّذِي خَلَقَكُم مِّن تُرَابٍ ثُمَّ مِن نُّطْفَةٍ ثُمَّ مِنْ عَلَقَةٍ ثُمَّ يُخْرِجُكُمْ طِفْلًا ثُمَّ لِتَبْلُغُوا أَشُدَّكُمْ ثُمَّ لِتَكُونُوا شُيُوخًا وَمِنكُم مَّن يُتَوَفَّى مِن قَبْلُ وَلِتَبْلُغُوا أَجَلًا مُّسَمًّى وَلَعَلَّكُمْ تَعْقِلُونَ

“It is He Who has created you from dust then from a sperm-drop, then from a leech-like clot; then does he get you out (into the light) as a child: then lets you (grow and) reach your age of full strength; then lets you become old,- though of you there are some who die before;- and lets you reach a term appointed; in order that you may learn wisdom.” [40:67]

According to Tafsir Ibn Kathir, this reference to man's creation from “تُرَابٍ”, or dust, implies the origin of mankind viz. the creation of the first human being, Prophet Adam [عليه السلام], from dust: “["And Allāh did create you from dust, then from Nutfah"], means, He initiated the creation of your father Adam from dust, then He created his offspring from semen of worthless water.”

Modern science has, by now, explained the entire process of the creation of a human being, down to those minute, microscopic intricacies that were invisible to the human eye centuries ago.

Many times in the Quran, Allāh draws our attention to the way we were created. It is interesting to remember though, that at the time when these verses were revealed, human beings had limited knowledge about the process of human birth, unlike now.

Why would Allāh then invite us to ponder on the origin of our creation? The contexts in which He mentions our origins lead to some interesting observations. But first, lets analyze the word most oft-repeated in the Quran when Allāh mentions man's creation:

The “nutfah”

The root of this word is: نَطَفَ يَنطِفُ – natafa yantifu: “To flow gently, trickle, ooze, drop.”

The dictionary meaning of the word “nutfah” is – “Drop of fluid; semen“.

النطفة: الماء الصافي، قَلَّ اَوْ كثرَ – “It is clear liquid, a little or a lot. From this it is used for ماء الرجل maa-ur rajul: The water (semen) of a man.”

ليلةٌ نَطوف is when it rains all night long.

Man is a disputer

Allāh says in the Quran:

خَلَقَ الإِنسَانَ مِن نُّطْفَةٍ فَإِذَا هُوَ خَصِيمٌ مُّبِينٌ

“He (Allāh) has created man from a sperm-drop; and behold this same (man) becomes an open disputer!” [16:4]

أَوَلَمْ يَرَ الْإِنسَانُ أَنَّا خَلَقْنَاهُ مِن نُّطْفَةٍ فَإِذَا هُوَ خَصِيمٌ مُّبِينٌ

“Does not man see that it is We Who created him from a sperm-drop? Yet behold! He (stands forth) as an open disputer!” [36:77]

The word خَصِيمٌ is derived from خَصمَ which means “he contended with in an altercation“, and the word الخِصَام means “the statements that a listener is made to hear, which may cause him to desist or refrain from his assertion, plea or claim“.

In another place in the Quran, Allāh says about man: “وَهُوَ أَلَدُّ الْخِصَامِ” – “And he is the most rigid of opponents” [2:204], where this word الخِصَام is used again to describe man.

Question is, why does Allāh mention the origin of man (the nutfah) along with the fact that man is an open disputer?

Man disputes about Allāh; about religion; about being right. Sometimes, man goes on arguing even if he possesses little knowledge of what he is arguing about, just to prove himself to be right, or to be better, than his “opponent”.

This type of arguing and disputing is, usually, less about establishing the haqq and abolishing falsehood, and more about one-upping the adversary to come out looking better, or on the right path, as the definition of the word الخِصَام implies; also, to attempt to make the adversary clam up and desist from putting forth their claims or opinions.

Allāh mentions how man was created from nothing but a microscopic sperm, which is not even visible, and yet he grows into a creature who argues about the very being that created Him from this miniscule little drop of fluid – he disputes about Allāh, His attributes, or any other aspect of Islam, to avoid submitting to Him – the Creator who not just created him, but also gave him provision since day one to make him grow, acquire a physical form, then be blessed with sight, hearing, and intellect:

إِنَّا خَلَقْنَا الْإِنسَانَ مِن نُّطْفَةٍ أَمْشَاجٍ نَّبْتَلِيهِ فَجَعَلْنَاهُ سَمِيعًا بَصِيرًا

“Verily We created Man from a drop of mingled sperm, in order to try him. So We gave him Hearing and Sight.” [76:2]

Man falls into disbelief and ingratitude

Another context in which Allāh mentions the origin of man as being from the nutfah, is the fact that man falls into kufr, i.e. when he grows up, he starts to deny Allāh's blessings, or to belie His Prophets and their monotheistic message, or reject Allāh's commands, refusing obstinately to obey them. Kufr also constitutes the denial of the establishment of the Hour (الساعة).

In Surah Al-Kahf, a man who owned 2 luscious gardens was conversing with his pious companion and bragging about possessing more wealth and a larger family than him. He went on to say that “I do not think that this (wealth) will perish – ever. And I do not think the Hour will occur. And even if I should be brought back to my Lord, I will surely find better than this as a return.” [18:34-36]

His pious companion, who was a believer, responds by making him recall how Allāh created him, saying:

قَالَ لَهُ صَاحِبُهُ وَهُوَ يُحَاوِرُهُ أَكَفَرْتَ بِالَّذِي خَلَقَكَ مِن تُرَابٍ ثُمَّ مِن نُّطْفَةٍ ثُمَّ سَوَّاكَ رَجُلًا

“His companion said to him, in the course of the argument with him: “Do you deny Him Who created you out of dust, then out of a sperm-drop, then fashioned you into a man?”" [18:37]

In this context, Allāh warns us through these verses of the Quran, not to fall into the same trap – that if we have been blessed with abundant wealth and a large family, we should not be fooled by this superfluous worldly benefits into denying the absolute reality of the imminence of the Hour (الساعة).

Heedlessness about the Akhirah makes one slowly slip down the slope of adherence to the commands of Deen, and disbelief starts to creep into our hearts like rust, chipping away our faith in Allāh and in the Akhirah.

One of the ways suggested, in the above verse of the Quran, to keep ourselves humble before Allāh and firmly grounded in the correct belief (aqeedah), is to remember our origin – our creation. How, once, we were nothing more than a tiny embryo, a single ovum fertilized by a single sperm (مِن نُّطْفَةٍ), from which Allāh fashioned us into a complete, symmetrical, fair-looking human being (سَوَّاكَ) in our mothers' wombs, having a body that contains innumerable anatomical systems (respiratory, nervous, digestive, cardio-, reproductive etc.) functioning together in perfect unison:

مِن نُّطْفَةٍ خَلَقَهُ فَقَدَّرَهُ

“From a sperm-drop He had created him, and then moulds him in due proportions;” [80:19]

وَأَنَّهُ خَلَقَ الزَّوْجَيْنِ الذَّكَرَ وَالْأُنثَى – مِن نُّطْفَةٍ إِذَا تُمْنَى

“That He did create in pairs,- male and female, from a seed when lodged (in its place);” [53:45-46]

The “miracle” of our creation enables us to recognize and remain in total awe of Allāh's limitless powers. That in turn allows us to submit to Him and to His message conveyed to us through His Prophets.

For surely, the Magnificent Creator who fashioned a complete living being out of a mere sperm drop, can resurrect that same human being hundreds of years after his death; after his total decomposition into nothingness.

Because for the One for whom the first, original creation was so easy, the resurrection will be even easier:

كَمَا بَدَأْنَا أَوَّلَ خَلْقٍ نُّعِيدُهُ وَعْدًا عَلَيْنَا إِنَّا كُنَّا فَاعِلِينَ

“…Even as We produced the first creation, so shall We produce a new one; a promise We have undertaken. Truly shall We fulfil it.” [21:104]

The “despicable” water

Another context in which Allāh mentions the creation of man, is how he originates from a “lowly” water viz. human semen. Whilst the first human being was created and fashioned from dust, his progeny continued on earth via this water:

أَلَمْ نَخْلُقكُّم مِّن مَّاء مَّهِينٍ

“Have We not created you from a fluid (held) despicable?” [77:20]

The place in the human anatomy from where this “despicable” water originates is also mentioned by Allāh:

فَلْيَنظُرِ الْإِنسَانُ مِمَّ خُلِقَ – خُلِقَ مِن مَّاء دَافِقٍ – يَخْرُجُ مِن بَيْنِ الصُّلْبِ وَالتَّرَائِبِ

“Now let man but think from what he is created. He is created from a drop emitted. Proceeding from between the backbone and the ribs.” [86:5-7]

Allāh then goes on to exhort how, if He could create a human progeny from such a water that gushes forth from man's own body, He is utterly and completely able to recreate man in the Akhirah, after his death and decomposition in this world/dunya:

إِنَّهُ عَلَى رَجْعِهِ لَقَادِرٌ

“Surely He (Allāh) is able to bring him back (to life)!” [86:8]

Allāh mentions 3 other words in another place in the Quran where He mentions the “despicable” water – “طِين”,”نسل” and “سلالة”:

الَّذِي أَحْسَنَ كُلَّ شَيْءٍ خَلَقَهُ وَبَدَأَ خَلْقَ الْإِنسَانِ مِن طِينٍ – ثُمَّ جَعَلَ نَسْلَهُ مِن سُلَالَةٍ مِّن مَّاء مَّهِينٍ

“Who made all things good which He created, and He began the creation of man from clay; And made his progeny from a quintessence of the nature of a fluid despised.” [32:7-8]

The point that comes across is how Allāh brought every one of us into this world from a mere drop of fluid – a fluid that is considered dirty, lowly and worthy of being washed off and discarded; which emanates from a part of the body that is also kept hidden and considered shameful; a part that excretes the filth (urine) from our bodies.

Furthermore, when a human baby comes into this world, it again does so through the same anatomical part of his mother's body.

Allāh reminds man again and again of his lowly and inferior origins, of his first and subsequent creation, in order to cull his arrogance and reinforce his belief in Allāh's absolute power of creation and resurrection.

Because as long as we keep reminding ourselves of how we were created, how we were born, and how we came into existence from nothing, to ultimately grow bigger and take the shape of a functioning human being from the merger of two tiny cells, we will perhaps be able to stop doubting how Allāh will put us back together in the Akhirah when the Hour is established.

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Today's Episode:  Giving Advice Part 2/2

Learn critical methodology in giving advice such as: building rapport, asking questions, taking your time and making du'ā'.

Click here to view the embedded video.

The trial which gained an international following has captivated Canadians since the beginning. How is it that a family could kill their very own in the name of honor? What twisted and perverted mind would do such a thing? The Shafias held their innocence from the start and many doubted if this was in fact an honor based crime. The jury, however, had no doubts about it and delivered their verdict after mere 15 hours of deliberations.

The Judge's final remarks to the guilty sums up the high emotions surrounding this trial:  'It is difficult to conceive of a more despicable, more heinous, more honorless crime'. 'The apparent reason behind these cold-blooded, shameful murders was that the four completely innocent victims offended your twisted concept of honor, a notion of honor that is founded upon the domination and control of women, a sick notion of honor that has absolutely no place in any civilized society.'

As the disturbing details from the trial emerged, it was evident that the Shafia family was highly dysfunctional with some serious domestic abuse issues. At the head of it was the short tempered, foul-mouthed father who ruled with an iron fist. His illegal, polygamous marriage meant having to constantly lie and portray his first wife, Rona Mohammad, as an aunt. Shafia was a rich businessman, usually away on trips, and immigrated to Canada in 2007 on the “immigrant investor” program. In his absence, his son Hamed took over his command.

The Shafia daughters were the Afghan Muslim father's worst nightmare. As one columnist aptly described them, 'Gorgeous Zainab' was 19, 'Sultry Sahar' was 17 and 'Rebellious Geeti' was 13. Reveling in the beauty of their youthful bodies, the eldest daughters did not hesitate to show them off. The cellular pictures in their lingerie, in promiscuous poses and with their boyfriends are reflective of their boldness. Zainab and Sahar transformed themselves when they left for school every morning, hiking their skirts, removing the hijab, and changing into revealing tops. Even 13-year-old Geeti followed suit and was once sent home from school for wearing inappropriate clothing.

The psychological oppression at home was severe. The girls were under constant scrutiny for their behavior and conduct, with their freedoms being taken away by the day. The watchful brother eyed their secretive affairs and reported them. That their behavior was normative by Canadian standards made things more difficult. They appealed to social workers and teachers for help, even tried to run away from home to a foster house. All these incidents finally added up to their unfortunate murder.

I wouldn't go as far as to say that honor killings are a problem in the Muslim community, but the familial situation I've described is not uncommon. The Shafia family practiced what would be termed cultural or cafeteria Islam. This is the Islam in which immigrant parents raise their children in a relatively secular household but then expect them, the girls especially, to behave as law abiding, pious Muslims. This pick-n-choose 'Islam' is epitomized by double standards for girls and boys; where boys are free to gallivant late at night and the girls can dare not be seen working on a school project with a boy.

Obsession with the sexual purity of women is also one of the cornerstones of this twisted version of 'Islam'; this belief is actually rooted in patriarchal tribal customs and unfortunately has made way into Muslim societies. These families lay no emphasis on Islamic education or on the foundational pillars of faith such as prayer and fasting; all the emphasis goes into tertiary concerns such as wearing hijab, staying away from the opposite sex and my favorite – staying away from pork (not alcohol though). If these people only realized that an understanding of the fundamental tenets of Islam encourages one to automatically take up secondary aspects of the faith, dysfunctional families like the Shafia's would not exist.

The Muslim community has much to learn from the Shafia murders. For one it highlights the struggles undergone by numerous young Muslim girls. The lure of a secular society mixed with a poor understanding and appreciation of Islam leads to a psycho-spiritual crises for most teenagers. At home, the parents don't understand their apparent obsession with all things haram; at school their teachers and peers don't get the 'draconian' rules imposed on them. Muslim counselors that can help address the challenges faced by youth are desperately needed; projects like the Naseeha Help Line need to be generously funded by the community. The Shafia girls did appeal to social workers, but these people unfortunately did not have an understanding of the complexity and seriousness of their situation.

As much as one might try to hide, the 'Muslimness' of this case has been apparent from the start. Whether it be the references to 'Allāh', 'Koran' and 'hijab' during the proceedings or the analysis of Afghan culture by experts; Islam was certainly under the spotlight. After the killing of Aqsa Pervez, the Shafia murders have given people another reason to question the link between Islam and honor killings. People hesitantly approached me to ask about my 'position' on honor killings and to clarify the Islamic stance – it's sad that we have to do these things.

Media coverage of the trial was generally fair in my estimation. By that, I mean there wasn't a general deliberate attempt to pin the blame on the religion of the accused; if anything, it was patriarchal aspects of Afghan culture that took the hit mostly. Not all media outlets were generous though; Michael Coren interviewed Islamophobe Robert Spencer who tried to assure viewers that Islam did in fact allow honor killings. Barbara Kay also wrote an article trying to establish a link between Muslims and the barbaric custom. Writers across the anti-Muslim blogosphere shed crocodile tears to mark this tragic event; the Shafia girls will become their poster children for years to come.

One of the positive outcomes of this media attention was the 'Call to Eradicate Domestic Violence' issued by CAIR-CAN and was endorsed by over a hundred Muslim organizations. This statement denounced domestic violence, honor killings in particular, and vowed to address the issue at mosques across the country. This resulted in Imams across the nation jointly tackling domestic violence in their sermons on December 9th 2011. What is more surprising is the widespread media coverage this received, with almost every major news source reporting it in Canada; the National Post went as far as publishing Imam Sikandar Hashmi's sermon – an unnatural, but appreciated, gesture from the right-wing newspaper.

Much will be said about this saga in the days to come. Some will criticize multiculturalism, some will pin the blame on religion while others will say the 'system' failed them. For me, it is the non-existence of a firm understanding of Islam that leads to all this. This understanding would have taught the murderers to fear God more than society and it would have allowed the daughters to see their faith as something more than a set of dry rules. Let's hope that this will be last time we will hear of such a heinous crime being committed by a coreligionist.

A piece of cloth that made me look different, caused many to stare and laugh at me, slowly became my pride. It was not just ḥijāb anymore; it made me realize what it meant to do something for no other purpose than to please Allāh alone; to be tested and along the way to become stronger (inshā'Allāh).

Ḥijāb became a responsibility. It was a symbol or worship and servitude to Allāh azzawajal. I was representing my dīn every time I stepped out of my house. I started enjoying being an ambassador. I used my ḥijāb to avail every opportunity to make da'wah.

There were tough times too, especially when my children started growing older and noticed their mother was different from others. There were times when they stood out just because their mother looked different. Or when the kids around the corner laughed at my young daughter asking “Hey what's on your head?”. It was then that I felt uneasy exposing my children to an unnecessary challenge. I felt the need to escape away to a place where wearing ḥijāb was not difficult, rather part of the norm. Little did I realize that it was those difficulties and challenges that had transformed ḥijāb into my pride.

We moved to a place where ḥijāb was everywhere. It was not difficult to cover anymore, no one laughed at ḥijāb. Stares? That is another discussion!

In the West, ḥijāb is frequently misunderstood as “cultural”. I was often appalled at this misrepresentation. It was not until I moved to the Middle East that I understood the grounds of Western arguments. I realized accusing ḥijāb as a cultural practice forced on women by their men folk, holds water.

Ḥijāb and jilbabs are very common here, but the oppression is reflected through the way ḥijāb is worn. Sometimes, it feels like women are in a prison waiting to break out. A sheer piece of black cloth carelessly resting midway across their head, the layers of hair slipping attractively out from the front makes these women look no less stunning than Princess Jasmine. Layers and layers of make up makes me wonder if they get ready at salons every day. Many women use artificial hair-buns under their hijabs, making it look like a perfect “camel-hump”.

Many women wear front-open abayas that split open up at every step they take; a glance of their tight skinny jeans and high heeled sandals only make them seem far more alluring.

That's not all. Jilbabs are tight. Some women cover their faces (which is mostly forced by their families) but their skin-tight jilbabs, designed especially to enhance body curves, are enough to catch anyone's attention; forget the faces.

Many women here do not want to wear ḥijāb but are forced to by their families.  One of my local teachers at Qatar University informed me that her brothers can never find out she doesn't cover her face at the university or she will be forced to quit. I don't know how ḥijāb evolved into culture, but unfortunately it did. Even the welcoming package and little leaflets designed for expatriates introduce ḥijāb as a cultural dress code.

I wonder what impression all those non-Muslim expatriates take back to their respective countries. Can they be blamed for accusing Muslims  of imposing ḥijāb on women?

The other day, during the PTA meeting, two of the European moms asked me if I was wearing “all this” to adapt to the local culture!

I have never been asked about my ḥijāb from this perspective before. At first I was confused, but as their question sank in, I was ashamed. It took me a few minutes to answer their question, but, alhamdulillah, that day they left with a better understanding of ḥijāb.

There is always khayr in whatever happens in our lives; I learned a lot from my move that I might have never learned otherwise. Firstly, difficulties and challenges are not unnecessary, rather, they reform us.

Secondly, not all Western accusations are unfounded.

We should realize that it is partially our own fault that ḥijāb is misunderstood. Had our  Muslim brethren not sent out the wrong message, much against ḥijāb would have been easier to clarify. Some progressive females, who label ḥijāb as a forced cultural practice, are as ignorant of ḥijāb as many Muslim women in “Muslim” countries. We have a lot of work to do from within. At times, it seems easier to make da'wah to non-Muslims than Muslims themselves. May Allāh make the real knowledge of Islam sink into our hearts and return us our glory and 'izzah that we have lost at our own hands.

Without further ado, here are the three inspiring poems we've selected for today…

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My Love Story
By an anonymous submitter

She came into my life, when I needed her the most
When I had lost it all, the trust, the care, emotion.

She taught me that I could trust people again
That I could love and respect once more.

Making me think different to how others would perceive.
When I felt weak, she'd empower me.

Her presence was pleasing and brought peace to my heart
The scenes of the world were colorful now, pure art.

She encouraged me to ask Allāh, and He would give..
So by His Mercy I'd learn patience, and to forgive.

We'd work together and be strong.
Even though our journey was tiresome, and long.

But time moved forward, and situations changed.
The world distracted. The love didn't increase, just conflicted.

“I'm sorry,” I'd say regretfully.
“Repent to Allāh,” she would reply.

But the love wouldn't rise again. Sins would rise. Our relationship began to change…
My heart was greedy, and it wanted more.

The gaze wouldn't lower when passers flaunted
The heart said no, but the desires taunted.

The heart covered itself in dirt of black.
Soon.. she left, and didn't come back…

The regret hurt, and loneliness messed my head.
Couldn't go sleep, couldn't rest.

I covered the pain with sin
Might remove this pain I'm in?

The pain persisted and the desire more
So I increased in rebellion but this feeling wouldnt go..

I had lost myself…
My regret overpowered

I went in search, she was with her protector
Waiting to be found, just waiting for me to come around.

She missed me too
But I couldn't be with her, until I gave her her due.

What is your due, I humbly asked?

“To pray, to obey, and be steadfast
That's the only way our relationship lasts.”

“To be the friend of Allāh, and think of death often.
To humble yourself, and do good action.”

“To prepare for that moment, when we all run away
Except the one who prepared for that Day.”

“So fear Allāh and be committed
To our relationship, so you're admitted…
In the gardens of joy.”

“Don't be the people of hell
the home of destruction, a fire filled cell.”

“Mend your ways now, it's the right thing to do,
Deep down, you know I care for you…”

I listened attentively, understanding.
I was wrong in desiring more.

When she was enough for me, when she gave me joy.
That smile of that kid, who finds his best toy.

The simplicity, the balance, the pact we kept.
That's what we wanted – without regret.

I asked her Protector, who gave her to me, back.
This experience had put me on track.

Except this time I was sure
I didn't need to exceed desires for more.

The experience gave me fresh strength
The true Joy was in being content.

…

We're now together – together till death,
A promise we've, up till now, kept.

I hope it remains this way.
Oh Allāh, don't let us stray.
From your Mercy and pleasure.
Since that's the only way, we'll stay together.

Now you know, this was my love story…
Except, it wasn't what you expected it to be.

This girl, her name was Imaan*.
Except she wasn't a girl, she's my faith – that kept me strong.

Imaan is my joy, my love, and pleasure.
The one I've tried to find – through many – in Haram,
Except this caused the least harm,
The one I still treasure.

* Meaning Faith/trust [i.e. Iman billah (a trust/contract with Allāh/God)

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I am the child
By Manal Wazeer

I am the child that was rudely taken away,

The one whose picture in the newspaper, brought a storm of sadness and dismay

Stories were told, people felt – few wept

Perhaps, my murderer to him no guilt crept

I am the child who soon will become a mere body count

In the numbers that have long been forgotten, to whose account?

Some unlike me , didn't have a picture taken

Nameless, faceless to the world. Never to awaken.

I am the child whose mother's devastated face was lined with tears

As she held me in her hands, bidding good bye for a handful of years

Oh this suffocating pain, so cruelly unjust

Slowly she picks up the pieces of her now broken heart, only in Allāh will she trust

I am the child that defines the word oppression

The one whose now shut eyes , plead to all without discretion

Say a prayer, if you cannot do much

For in your silence, the invisible count just went up a notch

Soon enough, in a time to come – I am the child that will get my justice

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A War of Words
By Jasmine Javid
Silver Pens
Bleeding golden expressions
Thoughts manifest,
Subtle, yet powerful,
Toting abysmal meaning
Akin to these words, I seek to validate my existence
I know I've been chosen for a noble cause
So with this silver pen, my sword, and these thoughts, my steed,
The desolate lands of in cognizance await me

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