Drifted and Forgotten

The flourishing of prostitution in Muslim countries is a paradox that we often overlook as a problem of our ummah. As prostitution is condemned and forbidden in Islam, and these women, to an extent, are marginalized and invisible in our community, many of us are not aware of the magnitude and realities of this problem. We do not consider them as a cause worth fighting for as we do for the betterment of the poor, abused, homeless, oppressed and ailing. To make matters worse, misinformation is widespread and the voices of former prostitution victims are systematically silenced.

Among the factors contributing to the widespread practice of prostitution among Muslim countries include:

• The denial of the existence of such problems in our community
• Spreading of the truth impedes men's comfort and pleasure in using women
• Hindrance of profitability of the industry, especially for those players who are politically connected
• Prostitution is too horrible of a practice, a highly stigmatized taboo subject, that people would rather not hear details about

Majority of us may have the idea that prostitution is a choice and the women enjoy what they do. The reality is quite the contrary for many of them. On many occasions, deprivations, conflicts, and difficult circumstances often lead to desperation, and desperation forces these women into the practice of prostitution. Many are uneducated women who live in poverty and possess few marketable skills. My research finds that prostitutes are many times:

• single mothers making ends meet for their children.
• victims of incest and sexual abuse.
• manipulated homeless teenagers.
• displaced sufferers of human trafficking.
• They are distraught girls with failed early marriages.
• They are refugees who fled from their war-torn countries.

While we criminalize them for living in adultery, spreading diseases, disrupting family institutions, and giving birth to innocent, illegitimate children who suffer for having dishonorable mothers, we fail to see the other spectrum of the consequences of prostitution. The consequences are not only devastating to the society, but also to the prostitute herself as a person. It completely destroys her already shattered life, being reduced down to a depersonalized, sexual object.  She develops a personality where she is unable to develop trust in relationships and slowly numbs herself, to the point where she loses the ability to feign attachments to anyone or anything.  In order to survive this overwhelming, daily ordeal, she dissociates from her real self, originally as a defense mechanism; sadly, it reaches to the point of complete shut down, where she is stripped of her identity, and over time, she disappears.

In addition, where violence against women is considered, prostitution is usually exempted from this category. However, the health effects of prostitution are similar; injuries, infections, and psychological stress are suffered by women subjected to prostitution as well as other forms of violence against women. Apart from sexual violence, prostitutes experience physical violence by their pimps, brothel owners, and clients as a means to keep them under control. Homicide is a frequent cause of death for women in prostitution. They are vulnerable to sexually transmitted diseases, pelvic inflammatory disease, and cervical cancer, not to mention their risk of unwanted pregnancies, which often lead to a lack of prenatal care or unsafe abortions. Moreover, they may suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, anxiety, and, eventually, may resort to substance abuse as a coping mechanism. The vicious cycle then continues.

I believe that no woman in her right mind would want to be a sex slave.  In  prostitution, research involving nine countries revealed that when the prostitutes were asked, 'What do you need?', 89% responded that they desired to 'leave prostitution' (Farley, 2003). This was followed by 'job training', 'home or safe place', 'health care', 'individual counseling' and other supportive measures.

But what about those women who openly confess they enjoy being prostitutes? Let it be known, few prostitutes who have come to profit from advocating the legalization of prostitution, writing columns in porn magazines and websites, and scheduling appearances on talk shows should not hold water to the overwhelming number of prostitutes who silently suffer from prostitution. Some leading pro-sex work advocates of legalized prostitution have been convicted on pimping charges although they themselves claim that they are common prostitutes and are not involved in organizing crimes against prostituted women. Even sex worker rights leader, Carol Leigh, has said herself in a 2004 debate, “95% of my friends want out of prostitution.”

Recently we interviewed a prostitute new to the 'job', joining this year. She is a 29-year old single mother, divorced, with three children, and with no financial support. During the day she takes care of her children, and at night she leaves them with her sister and goes to 'work'. Every night she goes to her pimp's house which serves as a prostitution site and meets her clients there. On average she has three clients per night, majority of whom are married men. When we asked her why she chose this job, she replied that it's the only suitable job for her that pays enough to support her children. When we asked her whether she wants to get out from it, she answered “if it's possible I want to stop doing this right this moment. I live in constant fear and worry that I might be caught by authorities”.

Fortunately, prostitution is illegal in most Muslim countries, the exceptions being Turkey and Indonesia.  However, despite its illegality, there are hubs in our own soil making millions out of the industry. Inadequate law enforcement, economic instability, poor planning to improve standards of living, and the community turning a blind eye to prostitution make this problem difficult to control. Moreover the pimps and traffickers bribe authorities to sustain the illegal operations, and there are even authorities who take advantage of the prostitutes. The woman I mentioned earlier told us that there were police and even religious officers who come to them as clients.

What can we do to help?

In regions where prostitution remains legal, it may be easier to reach out to them because they are registered under the profession and therefore can be identified. For example, in Turkey, sociologists and psychologists interviewed 3,000 registered prostitutes working at brothels to determine whether they had been forced into the job and if they would prefer another line of employment.

On the other hand, where prostitution is generally illegal, it is difficult and rather unsafe to reach them. Many things can happen if you are at the wrong place at the wrong time. They fear that 'outsiders' would turn them in to the authorities to be penalized, especially the prostitutes who are linked to pimps, traffickers, and corrupt officials.  There was a case in Iraq in 2008, where Soran Hama, a journalist of the Kurdish Lvin magazine, was shot by unidentified gunmen in front of his house weeks after he had written a detailed report on police involvement in a major Kirkuk prostitution ring.

What we can do to reach out is put them in contact with experienced volunteers from reputable organizations such as NGOs working on reproductive and health education, or NGOs that conduct programs to keep children from red-light districts in school. By slowly reaching out and engaging with them, it is hoped that mutual trust can be built and they can be convinced that a way out is possible, that there are people who would support them and give them protection, that there are people who will not judge and stigmatize them.

We should include them in income-generating programs so that they can have a regular income, which hopefully would decrease the chance of them resorting back to prostitution. Sponsorship should be raised to enable their children to attend and stay in school, as education plays a vital role to break them free from the poverty trap and further prevent them from entering prostitution.

On a larger scale, there should be a focus shift to criminalize the buying rather than the selling of sex. The burden of punishment should be on the clients who perpetuate the sex trade rather than the women who are trapped in the situation. For example, in Sweden, prostitution is officially acknowledged as a form of male sexual violence against women and children. Swedish policy addresses the issue of prostitution and trafficking by focusing on the root cause, and recognizing that without male demand and use of women and girls for sexual exploitation, the global prostitution industry would not be able flourish and expand. As a result, street prostitution has diminished. Granted, critiques have been directed to the government for making prostitution go underground and sex being sold over the internet is a growing problem; at least sources of evil cannot be accessed easily.

Rather than consistently playing the blaming game and condemning them to hell, as a community we should take whatever measures necessary to assist them to escape prostitution. These desperate individuals need our help and understanding in order to believe they can lead better lives.  They need to be pulled out from the pit so that they can regain their dignity, integrate back into society, and return to their senses, rest assured that Allah and their Muslim brothers and sisters have not neglected them.

Allah says in Sūrat'l-Nūr :

Indeed, those who like that immorality should be spread [or publicized] among those who have believed will have a painful punishment in this world and the Hereafter. And Allah knows and you do not know [24:19].

This article  WILL help you KILL porn addiction or at least start on the road to recovery inshallah.

ARTICLE HIGHLIGHTS

• Physiology of porn addiction & why it's so hard to quit
• Porn addicts: you are not losers & you CAN quit
• The Ramadan connection
• Simple changes towards a new life

The other day on the MM Facebook page, I had posted a question- “what is one bad habit you'd like to kill this Ramadan?” Surprisingly, one brother openly wrote about his desire to stop watching porn. Think about it. What great desperation would make a person openly talk about this habit? In fact, this is a brave brother, who has recognized his battle, and who is literally begging for a cure, a change. He is afraid, scared of going through Ramadan, through fasts, afraid that he will not be able to ward off the urge to flip on an internet porn site, or a DVD to watch some porn.

Some of you may be thinking, “Astaghfirullah, how can someone even think of doing this in Ramadan?“. Stop.  First say Alhamdulillah, and thank Allah that He, Al-Rahman, has protected you from this great fitnah.  Next pray to Allah that He keeps you away from the dark forces of sexual addictions of all types, from porn to zina, naudhubillah.

Some of you may remember that I addressed the dangers of porn addiction in a post nearly four years ago called Pornography Addiction Among Muslims. Not only did this article touch a strong nerve in our community, but it has since become the 3rd most viewed post on MuslimMatters. And, every few months, it still goes viral.  Why? Not because the post is some masterful gem written by a world expert; rather, the post was merely a collection of true stories of people afflicted. With the availability and accessibility of internet spreading like wildfire, I reckon the problem has only gotten worse.

Effects of Porn

Although destructive in many ways, the deteriorating impact porn addiction has on intimacy between spouses, tops the list.  There is developing research that “pornography was progressively desensitizing these men sexually… that they quickly required higher levels of stimulation to achieve the same level of arousal”. The sad reality is that your wife/husband becomes progressively insufficient to satisfy your sexual desires.

For those addiction-afflicted as well as those who aren't, take heed of the dangers of porn addiction. Like alcohol and drug addiction, porn addiction cannot simply be shut off. Rather, one must undergo a rigorous process requiring time and effort, and this process cannot start unless one understands why this addiction is so strong.  Porn addiction is one sub-category of sexual addictions, likely the lightest in terms of haram- but equally destructive and almost certainly leading to worse if not nipped in the bud. That is why Allah has instructed us to not even “approach zina” [Quran 17.32], because with porn as an entry-way, it becomes almost impossible to stop one's path to zina.

Why is it an Addiction?

Research has shown that porn addiction is a “chemical addiction“, having an effect on the brain that is very similar to drugs. It has even been called the new crack cocaine in this Wired article. Mary Anne Layden, co-director of the Sexual Trauma and Psychopathology Program at the University of Pennsylvania's Center for Cognitive Therapy, calls porn the “most concerning thing to psychological health that I know of existing today.”

First let's see how drugs work so we may see how analogous it is to porn addiction. The National Institute of Drug Abuse reports: “Most drugs of abuse directly or indirectly target the brain's reward system by flooding the circuit with dopamine. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter present in regions of the brain that regulate movement, emotion, cognition, motivation, and feelings of pleasure. The overstimulation of this system, which rewards our natural behaviors, produces the euphoric effects sought by people who abuse drugs and teaches them to repeat the behavior.”

Porn addiction works similarly: “During the sexual process, the brain begins narrowing its focus as it releases a tidal wave of endorphins and other neurochemicals like dopamine, norepinephrine, oxytocin and serotonin. These “natural drugs” produce a tremendous rush or high. When these chemicals are released during healthy marital intimacy we refer to them as “the fabulous four” because of the myriad positive benefits they generate between a husband and wife. When they are released during pornography use and other sexual addiction behaviors, we call them “the fearsome four” due to the severe addiction and many negative consequences they produce in the brain and nervous system.” [Read more in this informative article]

Overcoming Addiction

We know that drug addicts can get over their addiction. We know that alcoholics have been able to do the same.

So, if you are a porn addict, know this:

(1) you are not alone
(2) you are not a loser or an evil person
(3) you CAN kick this habit but only with a huge amount of jihad'l-nafs (the struggle of the soul).

This psychologist-backed site will further help you understand your addiction–the first step in this journey of killing it. I have not done an extensive review of the site, so “buyer beware”. Please keep your Muslim hat on, and, like all information, screen it through a simple Islamic filter.

For spouses, family, friends, and supporters, know that:

(1) It is important that you “recognize” the addiction and become partners towards a cure rather than continually debasing and disparaging the addict. Debasement only makes the addict feel worse and increases the desire to seek pleasure from endorphins through porn.

(2) Porn addiction is destructive not only for the addict, but also for the spouse. As we saw in my previous post on porn addiction, it has the ability to destroy marriages. That is why it is not to be taken lightly. I urge spouses of addicts to please also be a “partner in solution” rather than a police officer. You cannot hammer the addiction out of your spouse. Learn about its physiological and psychological aspects, and HELP in the recovery. If you love your spouse, you will give it your very best shot.

The Ramadan Connection

The psychologist linked above, Joe Zychik, mentions two requirements for overcoming sexual addictions– effective motivation and a reliable method.

Ramadan is a time where we are instructed to fast. Fasting has been described by the Prophet (salallahu 'alayhi wa sallam) as one of the ways to control sexual desire:

Abdullah (b. Mas'ud) (Allah be pleased with him) reported that Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) said to us: “O  young men, those among you who can support a wife should marry, for it restrains eyes (from casting evil glances) and preserves one from immorality; but he who cannot afford it should observe fast for it is a means of controlling the sexual desire.”

During regular days, it may be tough to observe this instruction, but Ramadan is a month where you are surrounded with “effective motivation” to fast. The last thing you want to do is go through the motions of fasting yet breaking it by engaging in your addiction. Use this opportunity to make some strong moves towards a “reliable method“.

Partner Up

Connect with a close friend, family member, or spouse–someone you can trust. Let's call this person your “partner”. Have your partner install a strong porn filter/activity monitor on your computer. Let him/her control the password and make this partner promise that they will not give it to you regardless of how much you ask for it. If it helps, make them swear by Allah. In some cultures, putting your hand on the Quran reinforces this promise.

Make Structural Changes

Replace your SmartPhone- If you watch porn on your phone, get rid of it! Replace it with a non-internet-capable “cheap mobile”. Either you can have a nice toy or you can save yourself from porn.

Change your computer- If you watch it on your laptop, consider buying a desktop instead that stays in an open area where you wouldn't want to be caught watching porn.

Turn off your TV- if u have any porn videos or DVDs, destroy them now, before you lose your spirit.

Reliable Methods

Self-Talk- Talk to yourself and your partner about your addiction. Consider this: If you are able to control yourself during fasting, why can't you control yourself during the nights of Ramadan, nights that are the holiest nights of the entire year? And if you are able to control yourself for the entire Ramadan, is the Allah of Ramadan not the same Allah of the rest of the months, Who watches your every move?

Make constant dua- Ask Him, Al-Tawwab, to pardon your sins, and grant you barakah in your efforts and time to help you overcome this trial. Recognize that you are in this trial only by the will of Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala), and by His will and mercy, He will lift you from this trial after you rise from it, a stronger believer. Use the nights of this most blessed months, and the moments before you break your fast to humbly ask Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) for help.

Moisten your tongue with duas such as this one:
اللهم اني ظلمت نفسي ظلما كثيرا ولا يغفر الذنوب الا انت فاغفرلي مغفرة من عندك, وارحمني انك انت الغفور الرحيم

'Alla-humma innee thalamtu nafsee thulman kathee-ra wala yaghfiru thunouba ila anta, faghfirlee maghfiratan min 'indika, warr hamnee innaka antal Ghafoor-ur Raheem.'
[O Allah! I have wronged myself very much, and none can forgive sins, except You only. Grant me forgiveness, and have mercy upon me; indeed You are the Most Forgiving, Ever Merciful.] (Bukhari) (for in-detail translation)

Read Self Help Books- Beyond the self-talk, you need to continue the journey on a “reliable method”. Your best bet is to get books on breaking sex addiction. Do it NOW before you lose your motivation to read them! It is more important for you to read these books in Ramadan than to spend time on entertaining guests or even tarawih (stopping haram is more important than an optional, mustahab).

Get Counseling- If you have access and ability to engage with a psychologist, this is the time to put that in motion. Call one and set up an appointment. Make sure this psychologist is a specialist in the area of addictions, especially sex addiction.

In other words, start doing whatever it takes during these Ramadan days of high spiritual motivation to set into motion something that will keep you porn free in the LONG RUN, as opposed to perhaps controlling it only in Ramadan.

Note: This article does not rely or recommend “coaches”. Maybe in a year, when we have testimonials from people who have been cured–and stay cured–with such coaching services, I'd be glad to advertise their services. For now, please don't post any such services provided, because this would be just advertisement that I do not, in good faith, agree with or can recommend. This is my own opinion, not MM's.

Those who are familiar with my works are quite aware that I have a deep belief in communication between parents and children. I have always emphasized that parents need to empower themselves with the tools necessary to teach their children about all sorts of topics, but especially one that is so sensitive and a cause of so many adulthood problems— sex.

So, let me begin this article by explicitly stating two important points:

1. Muslims can no longer keep their heads in the sand regarding sex. I have been consistent about this position in my articles, from discussion of sexual molestation of Muslim children, to my series on parenting. Part of not keeping heads in the sand is for Muslim parents to also understand the nature of sexual education at school.
2. I strongly oppose exposing our children to “secular”, “religion-neutral”, “exploratory” sexual education at schools, but at the same time vehemently insist that such education be done at home by parents, or other “religion-enhanced” format.  You have to REPLACE, not simply discard the education.

This article will of course speak to point two, as Nadiah unfortunately not only flatly disregarded all the facts presented in my previous article, but also made quite a few below-the-belt jabs, like claiming that “[a]dditionally, as illustrated so effectively by Umm Reem, many Muslims fear that open discussion on sexuality inevitable leads to promiscuity”.

Nadiah should have known (with proper research) that the last thing that I am interested in is closing discussions on sexuality. For Nadiah to conclude that my objection to sex education at school implies that the discussion should be totally closed, is not only disingenuous but also unacceptable coming from a community leader in Muslim affairs. We have to hold our community leaders to a higher standard, one that respects differences of opinions without subjecting others to unsubstantiated personal attacks.

Let’s review Nadiah’s main contentions:

I [Umm Reem] contend that sex education curricula in the US are based on three organizations

What I said in fact was that, “it is primarily based on PPF, AYF and SEICUS”. And this can be confirmed with some basic research.  This is an important distinction because it leaves room open for some schools to NOT follow the curricula of these three organizations, and thus possible explaining Nadiah’s own experiences.

It is equally important that we agree that these organizations SIECUS, PPF and AYF are some of the leading and influential Sex-Education Organizations in America, not just minor players.

Some facts about the leading sex education organizations in America:

While it is true that there is no “concrete” curriculum for sex education in USA per se, and that it can vary from school to school, one cannot deny the fact there are ideologies/beliefs promoted by influential organizations that are dedicated and funded by the government funds to educate and train professionals to deliver and design sexual education. Let’s take a moment to review three of the main sex education organizations again:

Sex Information & Education Council of United States (SIECUS)

According to Janice Irvine, the author of “Talk about Sex: the Battles over Sex Education in the US” this organization has been “the pioneer of Comprehensive Sex Education”, and according to Dr. Grossmam, “it has been the nation’s flagship sex education organization for nearly 50 years”[i].

This group has “trained hundreds of thousands of educators, worked with thousands of policymakers, appeared in the leading print and broadcast media outlets, and led the effort to advance sexual and reproductive health on 6 continents.”[ii]

It receives federal funding through a cooperative agreement with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s Division of Adolescent and School Health.”

Planned Parenthood Federation (PPF)

“Planned Parenthood is proud of its vital role in providing young people with honest sexuality and relationship information in classrooms and online to help reduce our nation’s alarmingly high rates of teen pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections. Nearly 1.2 million youths and adults participate in Planned Parenthood educational programs every year.”

According to 2007-2008 annual report, PPF’s “operating and other funds” totaled $1.038 billion, with over a third of that sum, $349.6 million coming from government grants and contracts.[iii]

Advocates for Youth (AFY):

Designed the popular “Life Planning Education”. Advocates for Youth works to educate Members of Congress, State Legislators and local elected officials on a variety of issues that impact the sexual and reproductive health of young people.  Advocates believes that the time has come for a new approach to adolescent sexual and reproductive health that includes dismantling failed abstinence-only programs, implementing comprehensive sex education programs, addressing the impact of HIV/AIDS on youth, providing confidential access to birth control and removing the unnecessary age restriction on emergency contraception.  They also support federal legislation that addresses discrimination based on sexual orientation and/or gender identity.

Why am I pointing out these sex education organizations?

Nadiah took great umbrage to my claim that sexual education contributes towards the increased promiscuity. Again, I cannot emphasize enough that despite Nadiah’s unfortunate generalizations, I am not referring to “education” in itself. I am referring to the certain type of education organized by leading aforementioned institutes that can lead increased promiscuity. One should not be afraid of teaching children about sex, but rather one needs to be afraid of what type sex education the children receive.

Since most reasonable people will agree that “wrong education” will lead to “wrong ideas” (doesn’t take a rocket science to make the logical link!), we need to first see what type of education are these major sex-ed organizations promoting and teaching.

What better way to do so than to go to the horse’s mouth! One has to simply visit the websites of sex-education organizations and the sites that these organizations endorse (endorse=agree) to appreciate that “wrong education” is putting it quite mild!  One could ask “why not check with schools”, and my response would be that it is far more accurate to review the vision of the organization providing school materials than to visit the schools. For example, if we were interested in finding out what schools following a certain methodology of teaching math were doing, we would start with the developers and disseminators of that methodology of teaching in order to fully appreciate the style.

These sex-education organizations aforementioned may not be directly teaching their materials in classrooms of course, but one has to only click on their referrals to see what they would want taught. Let’s review just ONE website recommended by our sex education organizations for our pre/teens’s health related questions and queries:

GoAskAlice: University of Columbia’s “health” QA service. It has very good information about HIV, STDs, diet, depression, drugs etc. but at the same time, at a click of a button, children can view information about phone sex, oral or anal sex, erotic techniques, trios, how to be more intimate and make it more pleasurable, how to buy vibrator, porn magazines DISCREETLY, and also information for UNDER 18 how to get contraceptives WITHOUT parents’ knowledge. I have repeatedly encouraged the parents to visit their sites (linked in my original article) themselves, because I can’t cut and paste all info!

Tell me, while these sites are recommended (GoAskAlice is one of many) to pre/teens for any questions about their “health” or “health-related issues” or “sexuality”, pre/teens will inevitably visit it (esp. those who have no communication with their parents). Once these kids get on these “highly recommended” sites by those that they trust (sex-ed educators), is it hard not to expect them to also read extremely sensual, erotic and licentious information. Consequently, will they not get aroused and will they not want to experience and experiment what they read, in other words will it not increase promiscuity?

Sometimes we let demands for empirical data get in the way of pure common sense and normal logic.

It is no doubt true that we are living in a hyper-sexualized society. TV, movies, magazines, books contribute towards the increased promiscuity but so do these sex education organizations.

Nadiah further claims that I :

carelessly proclaims that American public school sexual education programs are responsible for the high STI rate, claiming the “sex education industry is dedicated to promot[ing] radical, social ideologies that value unconditional sexual freedom above any health, science, or parental authority. The aim is to encourage promiscuity experimentation and unrestricted sexual behavior.” As a public health professional trained to appreciate the importance of empirical data, I ask Umm Reem for any evidence supporting such an outrageous claim.

First of all, I never claimed that sex education in of itself is responsible for sexually transmitted infections (STI). I hope Nadiah would care to share where I stated this cause and effect relationship.

Secondly, my “careless” (partly imagined by Nadiah) proclamations comes from a board certified, adolescent & adult psychiatrist’s intensive research on sex education in US, whose experience and education far outweighs. Dr. Grossman states, “There groups [SIECUS, PPF, AFY] claim to provide “comprehensive access” to “accurate” sex education. Take a look, though, at their curricula, their guides for teachers and parents, and-most disturbing- the websites to which they direct your kids: you’ll see how young people are infused with a grotesque exaggeration of the place of sexuality. Promiscuity, experimentation, and fringe behaviors are encouraged. For them, these are personal choices, and judgments are prohibited. At all ages, sexual freedom is a “right”, an issue of social justice. In short, they are dedicated to promoting radical social ideologies, not preventing diseases.”[iv]

To illustrate why “sexy” sexual education could lead to increased promiscuity, let’s take the example of a parent who teaches her child about eating healthy and keeps him from gaining weight, buys him the membership to the gym, and educates him about all the harms against obesity BUT at the same time she keeps cooking unhealthy food, keeps baking cakes, keeps buying junk food and leaving it around him, then will she not share the blame if her child keeps giving into his temptation of “delicious” food and keep gaining weight?

Sex education organizations are doing very well in educating our children about STDs, STIs, contraceptives, and even providing condoms. But, in the schools, they also teach about sex-acts other than copulation and promote licentious, sensual and extremely provocative information & techniques on their websites. In addition, they offer free contraceptives and teach our children HOW to get them DISCREETLY without parental knowledge!

In other words: Eat healthy, watch your diet, but we would like to show you some pictures of delicious cakes and deserts, and you can find out the recipes on our websites, and in case you need we will provide you with numbers how to order ingredients free and discreetly!

Yes, with promiscuous message sex education organizations are promoting, frequency of promiscuous activity will increase, and this would suggest that they take responsibility of increased STIs.

Can health-based information mixed with promiscuous messages protect children?

• Will the pre/teens be in their “senses” to use condoms/contraceptives when the time comes to try out all those great ideas on GoAskAlice and other recommended sites by sex-ed organizations?
• How effective are the condoms/contraceptives?

The “neurobiology of decision-making”[v] indicates that when we make choices, we rely on at least 12 different brain regions. These areas include cognitive and affective circuits, meaning decisions are based on both thought and emotions.

PCF is the “thinking” brain, Amygdala is the “feeling” brain. These are parallel systems and evolve with time. Emotional system is present early in life where as cognitive system develops with age and time. “It has been suggested that because the emotional system is more mature than the cognitive one in teens, it sometimes contributes more to decision-making, resulting in less-than-optimal choices.”[vi]

“HOT” and “COLD” conditions: “Dr. Laurence Steinber, an expert in adolescent psychology, draws a distinction between “cool” and “hot” conditions, referring to the intensity or level of emotion at the time a decision is made. To summarize his research, under “cool” conditions a teen might appear to have excellent “executive function” in making a choice and logical thinking. In a hypothetical dilemma, he might resolve: being sexually active is a big decision, I’ll talk it all over with my “partner”, dicuss STDs and contraceptives, use condoms.

Place the same boy in an unexpected situation, an unsupervised party with a cute and willing girl, other friends making out around him; functional MRI says that under “hot” conditions he is more likely to rely on his “Amygdala”, to be shortsighted, emotion-driven, and susceptible to coercion and peer pressure.[vii]

It is not lack of information, but lack of judgment:  “In real life, his strong emotions and drives can “hijack” his ability for self-control and smart decision.”[viii]

Effectiveness of Condoms:

When a panel of 28 experts was asked in 2001, “what is the scientific evidence on the effectiveness of latex male condom-use to prevent STD transmission during vaginal intercourse?” the answer was, and still is, “IT DEPENDS!”[ix] There is a lot more research available on this subject. Due to restricted space, I would encourage readers to search on their own.

Undermining Parental Authority

I posted a prime example of “unconditional sexual freedom above parental authority”, the case in California’s Elementary School, where a survey of extreme sexual nature was passed out without parental discretion. Parents were denied the right to object.

To that, Nadiah responded, “There are ethical implications to collecting data from minors, which is why respectable research with publishable data are subject to Institutional Review Boards. Unfortunately, it sounds like these researchers did not go through the IRB – had they gone through – they would have been required to have parental consent before administering the survey.”

Based on the response, Nadiah has obviously missed the main point. It is not about respectable research or data collection, it is about undermining PARENTAL authority. According to the judge in the California case, “public schools have the right to administer sex instruction to any children, at any time and in any manner, notwithstanding the objections of their parents.”

In Massachusetts, one school passing out condoms to even elementary students, “Under the policy, any student requesting a condom from a school nurse must first receive counseling, which includes information on abstinence. The policy does not require the school to contact parents.”

Another example is the Sex-Ed controversy in Helena Montana, where parents are fighting the sex-ed curriculum, “The document covers everything from nutrition to injury prevention, but the section titled “Human Sexuality” is drawing the most concern. It lays out sex education topics for each grade, K through 12. In the first grade, children would be taught that human beings can love people of the same gender; in second grade, kids are taught not to make fun of people by calling them “gay” or “queer.”

By fifth grade, they are taught there are several types of intercourse, and by the sixth grade, the draft document states that students should, “Understand that sexual intercourse includes but is not limited to vaginal, oral, or anal penetration; using the penis, fingers, tongue or objects.”

Yet, another example from a sites endorsed by our sex education organizations, a question was asked by a young girl:

“My boyfriend and I are thinking of having sex. Can I get the pill without my mom knowing?

Answer: Generally, yes. There is no law that requires a parent’s permission for the pill…A good place to start is a place that receives money from…they can’t tell your mom if you got the pill. You can find a [clinic] near you through [website provided]…

(I am not providing the website link as some parents complained on the previous article regarding links to what most of us would consider promiscuous information, but to others is “education”)

They also teach children how to order porn magazines, masturbation tools etc. discreetly, without parental knowledge.

To conclude: I don't believe proper sex education will be a contributing factor towards increased promiscuity but “wrong” sex education in present form, as incorporated by the major sex-ed organizations will. And that can be well seen on the official & award winning websites. I encourage the parents to please browse through them.

Young minds are especially vulnerable; in addition they are surrounded by an environment (TV, magazines, books) with increased sexuality. Moreover, when they are exposed to information that is being taught by sex education organizations, we don’t need an empirical data to come to logical conclusion that when youth reads encouraging statements about “exploring their sexuality”, along with the techniques how-to, it will contribute towards increased promiscuity?

My main point, throughout the series, is to encourage parents to become the sex educators and be the primary source of information. Not only parents can offer vulgar-free, pure and beneficial information to their children, but they also live with their children and can be approached at any time (unlike a health profession), will best watch and observe, in real life, the situation and the difficulty of the child, and will offer the most sincere advice. Not to mention how much it will help open communication and strengthens the bond of parent-child relationship.

I pray that may Allah reward Sr. Nadiah for all the effort and good work she is contributing towards our youth.

Further reading/listening: Here is an excellent lecture on the subject.

By Hena Zuberi

A touch, a feel, a whisper. It doesn’t take much to make a young girl feel dirty, stripped of her dignity. Walking in the streets of this Muslim country was treacherous.   Going to the bazaar was not a fun experience. I remember getting my ears pierced – a memory so horrid. 'Come behind the counter', he said, I looked at my aunt, hesitant, he looked decent enough. That little girl in the video from Gawaahi.com could have been me. My aunt thought my tears were from the pain of the ear-piercing gun. My pain was something I did not even understand.

I was 15 - Umrah – and we were in front of the haram, the Kaaba the house of God, during Tawaf- I could not believe it. I asked Allah 'why? why here Ya Allah' – My father was right behind me but the lecher had no thoughts of his akhirah.

I was 16 - I had had enough! The yearly trip to Pakistan to celebrate Eid with my grandmother came with a big price – I didn’t want to go out on Chand Raat to get the bangles to match my clothes and kuhsse (embroidered slippers) -I was bigger, stronger and didn't want to put up with it any longer.  It is not a stalker – one person, it could be anyone – the tailor, the shopkeeper, that dude in the torn Levis or that older man with a beard. A crowded alley and someone, something brushed up again me and I turned around and slapped the closest male face I found! I didn't care if it wasn't the perpetrator – all the past years' anger welled up and I yelled. The worst part was the look on other women's faces, like I had done something wrong, broken some unspoken law – thou shall not speak, thou shall suffer in silence – it is your fault.

I was 25 - Cable channels  had just started broadcasting a sanitary pad advertisement for the first time in the country, and one of the models wore a hijab.  That summer was the worst summer – everywhere you went you would hear perverted creeps asking you if it was one of those days. 'Ignore them', was the word on the street.

I was 32 - I guarded my daughter like a hawk – if Chinese moms are tiger moms, I was a shaheen (falcon). I didn’t want her memories of visiting Pakistan to be filled with guilt, shame.  I spoke to her about unwelcome touches, told her to scream out loud so everyone knows.  “Don’t touch me!!!” To move away if anyone tries to come near her. At the lace shop, she played with faux crystals and and I stood behind her, staring down any one who dared think of touching my child, your child, everyone's child. Just because I am on the street does not make it a welcome sign for you to touch, grope, pinch. I have the right to walk down the street safely.  My body, my country.

Educate yourself and others:

It is imperative to spread awareness and talk about this issue.  Harassment can include “sexual harassment” or unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical harassment of a sexual nature. Harassment can also include offensive remarks about a person’s sex, staring at length and touching. For example, it is illegal to harass a woman in the U.S. by making offensive comments about women in general in the workplace. If you are a victim of sexual harassment in the US here is a support group.

Stop calling it Eve-teasing: It degrades women further.  This name puts the blame on the women and degrades the memory of  Hawwa (AS). Call it what it is – sexual harassment.  Why  are we so afraid/ashamed to use any form of the word sex?

The Effects of Sexual Harassment on the Victim

The effects of sexual harassment vary from person to person, and are contingent on the severity, and duration, of the harassment.  However, sexual harassment is a type of sexual assault, and victims of severe or chronic sexual harassment  can suffer the same psychological effects as rape victims.  Aggravating factors can exist, such as their becoming the target of retaliation, backlash, or victim blaming after their complaining, or filing a formal grievance. Indeed, the treatment of the complainant during an investigation or litigation can be brutal, and add further damage to their life, health, and psyche.  Depending on the situation, a sexual harassment victim can experience anything from mild annoyance to extreme psychological damage, while the impact on a victim's career and life may be minimal, or leave them in ruins.

This is for someone who experiences harassment at work – now imagine a whole country like this, where the minute you walk out of your home you fear that assault.

Most of us have heard the the reports out of Egypt, but this is not just an Egyptian problem. It is experienced in many Muslim countries. Many women in Muslim countries don't even know that this is a crime.

Lets look at the stats coming from Egypt more closely.  In 2008, Abul Komsan, the woman's rights activist, polled 1,000 women from all parts of the country. What she found shocked her. 98 percent of foreign women polled said they had been sexually harassed. And about eight out of 10 Egyptian-born women said the same thing. She also surveyed Egyptian men, and almost two-thirds of men polled actually admitted that they harassed women.  And before the holier than thou start preaching that this only happens when women are uncovered, no it does NOT. One of the most important aspects of this study was that it found that 72.5% of victims surveyed were wearing hijab when they were sexually harassed.  It happens to all women, even ones that are in full niqab, under several layers of cloth . This survey may superficially shatter the claim that hijab does protect from molestation. But remember these were just 1000 women in a country of 18 million and the study was taken in an urban city. Anecdotal evidence suggests women may be harassed less depending on where they are, if they cover and as they age. I am not refuting the research but do think more research needs to be done in Egypt and in other Muslim countries, as well. ( I will examine the hijab=protection issue in another post, inshaAllah. Here in the U.S. I have never be sexually harassed after donning my hijab, maybe because the mindset is totally different or  maybe the outer garment screams 'don't come near me'.)

Before the all is perfect in the West crowd pipes up – this a definitely not a problem exclusive to Muslim countries, either. From Mexico City to Chicago, this is a male problem.  According to National Crime Records Bureau, the fastest growing crime in India is violence against women.  Walking down the street, taking public transportation or having a career, all put women at risk for sexual harassment and sexual assault, no matter the city, country or continent.  Catcalls, fondling, violence and indecent exposure are an everyday occurrence for women in the United States as well. iHollaback.org  is a website dedicated to ending street harassment where young women across the nation share their stories and, if they're quick enough, post photos of their harassers in this safe, online space.  Gawaahi.com is the Pakistani distant cousin of Hollaback, where women are speaking about harassment and abuse.

What is definitely worth studying are the responses of the men in the ECWR study.

Perhaps nothing illustrates Egypt's loss of a moral compass than the responses of some men in the ECWR study.  Some said they harassed a woman simply because they were bored. One who abused a woman wearing the niqab said she must be beautiful, or hiding something.  As a professor in Cairo, I  see these misogynistic sentiments on display all too often. A woman is called a whore in public? She is seen as dressing like one. Groped by a man on the subway? She must’ve allured him beyond his control with aromatic fragrances and entrancing pheromones. An urban ambler exposes himself to a girl on a sidewalk? She was probably staring lustfully at him… a law can help but it needs to be accompanied by an ideological shift. Young Egyptians, both male and female, must be convinced that the burden of blame for sexual harassment doesn’t belong to the hunted. The guilt of sexual abuse, by logical definition, is the predator’s alone. Justin D. Martin is a journalism professor at The American University in Cairo.

All the statements in the quote above are parts of the equation. Some cultures put all the blame on women, other put all the blame on the man. I think both genders need to take responsibility for this disease in society.  I do not believe a victim is responsible, but the other women in the society are. Having said that, I do believe women need to use their judgment; just as we would caution children about sexual predators, we should remind ourselves not to be vulnerable and accessible, the two qualities that rapist and harassers look for.  Men need to support their daughters, sisters, wives when they complain of harassment instead of forbidding them from going out or blaming them for causing the incident.  Men and  women both need to raise sons to be men who do not treat women like toys.

I. What can women do?

1. Speak Up: Talk about sexual harassment with your friends, family, colleagues, employees – the more awareness that is spread, the better. Break the silence, upset the status quo – it is your body. HarassMap, a project based in Cairo, plans to give women an outlet to report instances of harassment. Combining FrontlineSMS and Ushahidi’s mapping platform, HarassMap aims to be a voice for women.

2. Take self defense classes: Hapkido or street fighting teaches you how to respond to any attack. This form of martial arts works really well for women. For example, if an opponent were to push against a hapkido student's chest, rather than resist and push back, the hapkido student would avoid a direct confrontation by moving in the same direction as the push and utilizing the opponent's forward momentum to throw him. Here is more on Egyptian girls taking action.  Both my girls take martials arts classes - I thoroughly believe in empowering girls.

3. Avoid walking alone: Team up with other women, co-workers, family members, fellow commuters.

4. Role-Play: Train girls and women to have a range of standard responses to harassers if anyone harasses them.

5. Use your common sense: Avoid areas when the chance of getting harassed is higher. Walk in groups if you can. If the harassment is really wide spread then take community-wide steps.

Why do men sexually harass women?

Rising unemployed, unmarried men, hanging out on the street are touted as characteristics of oppressed societies where the majority identify with the oppressor.  If this happens only in repressed countries then why is it happening in our masajid in the US? If the men in Saudi do it because the country has gender segregation, then why does it happen on the tube in London?  My initial reaction as a victim of harassment is  ' If you want to get your thrills, go find a halal venue for it. My sister’s bodies, covered or uncovered, are NOT your playground.”  But this is a deeper problem then men just being sick creeps – it is an attitude – one that is taught to men from a young age – differing  in different countries. In some countries women are treated just as a sexual toy, just for the pleasure of men, in others they are the man's honor, and in others harassment is  just something to do.

1. Sexual depravity in societies across the world: Easy access to pornography, titillating songs, billboards and videos, acceptance of flirting and other changes in cultural norms, delayed marriages are all contributors to this problem.

2.Women moving in areas previously considered exclusively male. This article about mashers in early 1900s in the U.S. is so insightful. As changing demographics in Muslim countries this century mimic those in the West circa 18th century, 'as industry supplanted agriculture, more single men were leaving their families for work in the cities. At the same time, more women were entering the public sphere on their own as shoppers, students and wage earners.'

3. It is a power thing: This is evident when we look at the current trends in the West- As women in the workforce rise and get into positions of power, sexual harassment cases by women of men have doubled since the 1990s. Given how accustomed women are to drive-by comments and propositions, it can be thrilling when the tables turn and they’re the ones controlling the dynamic.

4. Adoption of Islam just in rituals: Increasing religiosity in many Muslim countries has not come with stress on Akhlaaq (Islamic manners) combined with lack of adab and  knowledge about ways to treat women, about the rights of women lead to this combustible situation.  There is so much  emphasis on hijab but not haya in both sexes. Picking and choosing of verses in the Quran by sermon-givers and laymen, to dominate and subjugate women so despite the apparent rise in religiosity in Muslim countries, the attitudes toward women haven't changed but have gotten worse.  There is also deep rooted hostility towards women based on misundertsanding of ahadiths, as well as resentment towards women who want to step out of the four corners of their homes.

5. The me, myself and I obsession: We have increasingly become a more selfish world based on instant gratification. Men think, I may or may not get the girl but at least I can get my sexual high of the day by groping her.

6. Changing ideals of manhood- more aggressive males are the heroes and the chivalrous protector image is considered old-fashioned.

7. Men just think its OK: Many books and articles about Gender Psychology have been written about the psychological differences between men and women. What a reasonable man and a reasonable woman perceive to be a hostile environment may be entirely different, according to PsychologyToday.  If this is the case then men need to ask themselves these questions:

• Would I mind if someone treated my spouse, fiancee, mother, sister, or daughter this way?
• Would I mind if this person told my spouse, fiancee, mother, sister, or daughter what I was saying and doing?
• Would I do this if I was with my spouse, fiancee, mother, sister, or daughter?
• When a person objects to my behavior do I apologize and stop, or do I get angry instead?
• Is my behavior reciprocated? Are there specific indications of pleasure and not “she didn’t object”?

Another gender studies professor calls it homosociality - the need for men to impress other men. According to Dr. Schywzer, many men who become solitary harassers first learned to harass in groups. Harassment isn’t about sexual attraction to women. It’s not something women invite.  And it’s not something usually intended to elicit a positive sexual response from women. It’s about one thing: impressing other men.  One of the fascinating things about homosociality is that it doesn’t always require the actual physical presence of other men.  When a man has been raised to always be conscious of how he appears to his fellow males, he may end up behaving in stereotypically hyper-masculine ways even when there are no other men around.  If this is true, then brothers, you all know men who do this - for Allah's sake stop them, let them know that you are not impressed.  When we see men, Muslim alpha men reaching out saying ' hey that's just not cool', this behavior will change.

Definitely not all Muslim men are like this – there are many brothers who know, and who will protect you.  Strangers who will help you cross a street, guide you when you are looking for a shop. These are the men who I am speaking to – you are our hope, our weapon against this enemy.

II. What can men do to stop sexual harrassment?

• Refuse to join in. Do not make any comments yourself.
• Discourage others from doing so. Tell them the person is not enjoying it or tell them to leave the person alone.
• At a suitable time, raise the issue about public harassment with your friends and explain why it is inappropriate to treat people that way.  It is a part of the Mercy of Allah that you deal politely and gently with them. Were you severe, uncivil or harsh-hearted, they would have broken away from you: so pass over their faults, and ask for Allah’s Forgiveness for them. (Qur’an, 3:159)
• Teach young men, brothers, sons to respect women from a young age – my husband does not tolerate disrespect from my sons towards me or their sisters. Read them ahadith on honoring women, lowering their gaze, not touching non-mahrams from a young age.

Those of you who don’t stand up and defend a sister, a mother, a daughter, you share the blame.  It is easy to shrug it off by saying that this is a part of their culture – it is incumbent upon us as Muslims to uphold a higher standard, nothing about harassment falls within Islamic values.  Men are quick to point out daraja over women – a degree over women when it suits them – this is the prime instance to step up to that degree and take responsibility for the women in your society. This is your degree over women – you have an in that we don't have.  You can relate to other men, you can talk to them, stop them, shame them.   Allah has made you qawmun alan nisa (caretakers of women).

If you are confronted with a street harassment situation here is what can you say:

• Do not address the man/group harassing the female. Experts say simply offer your  presence.
• Don’t be loud and physically confrontational. You can simply distract the harasser by saying “salam” or  just stay in open view so it won’t escalate to a rape scenario.
• Distractions and indirect interventions help best. Asking for directions, asking for the time, or other innocuous questions can often be enough of a distraction for a harasser to go away and move on, without causing a big scene or putting anyone in physical danger.
• Where possible, intervene by giving control to the target of the harassment ( “is he bothering you?” or “are you okay?”).
• Just do the right thing. I think there are times when a harasser may be intimidating even to other males, but you have to find the God given himma to stand up for women in these situations. Otherwise, it’s as if we are giving the harassers tacit approval to continue their behavior.
• If a woman in a crowd shouts out about being touched, be vocal of your support, say something like  “Whoever did that, it's not welcome.”
• Be aware of the situation, know what your advantage is, and if confronting a group situation, make sure you are interacting with the leader, contact the police ( in some countries, police do not listen to women but will listen to a man complaining).
• Don’t turn a blind eye, confront them even if it’s awkward, even if it’s not socially acceptable, do it anyways…Remember that many women are not in the situation where they are safe speaking up for themselves. Help even if the woman is antagonistic towards you – we are jaded at times because sometimes the 'heroes' turn out to be worse creeps.

III. What can Communities do to stop sexual harassment?

Lobby for sexual harassment laws: My sister told me about a sexual harassment case at work . She works at one of the largest ad agencies in Pakistan.  Nothing can be done because there is no precedent.  A panel was called and my sister and her colleges are to pass judgment on this man. This is 2011 – Muslim countries import every new fangled 'Western’ idea while hating on the the West, but sexual harassment laws are too foreign for them.  Pakistan has recently passed sexual harassment laws, but getting companies to implement and getting the police to arrest the perpetrators is the next mountain to climb.

• Take the report to local council people who are sensitive to women’s issues and discuss street harassment with them. Propose a law that fines men who verbally harass women in a sexual or sexist manner. Ask them to introduce it and support it.
• Meet with the local police departments about street harassment. If they do not already, ask that police officers receive sensitivity training regarding street harassment. Also, when surveying women about their harassment experiences you can ask them where they are harassed and create a map tracking this data. If there are problem areas, show the data to the police officers and ask them to have officers patrol the area.
• Talk to local businesses that have employees who work outside about the general problem of street harassment. Ask them to be proactive and to publish a phone number on their work vehicles and/or on a sign at a work site that people can call if the employees harass women. Ask them to post signs saying “This is a harassment-free zone.”  (Street-level steps courtesy of StopStreetHarrassment.org)

www.LikeAGarment.Com

The following article is a collated summary of a series of emails sent to those who registered for the LikeAGarment online email course.

Jabir b. Abdillah is one of the most famous Companions of the Prophet salla Allahu ʿalayhi wa sallam. He was from the Ansar, and accepted Islam as a young boy. His father was the famous warrior Abdullah b. Haram. Jabir was perhaps the youngest Companion to witness and participate in the blessed ‘Treaty of Aqaba,’ before the hijra of the Prophet. He was also blessed to live an extremely long life. Because of this, Jabir became one of the most profuse narrators of hadith, earning his name in the top five Companions in terms of quantity of hadith narrated.

Jabir married young – he was probably seventeen or eighteen when he got married. His story is mentioned in most books of hadith, including the two Sahihs. It is a story that tells us much about how Islam views sexuality.

The hadith is as follows:

Jabir b. Abdillah reported that once he was on an expedition with the Prophet salla Allahu ʿalayhi wa sallam, and when they were close to the city of Madinah, he sped on his mount. The Prophet salla Allahu ʿalayhi wa sallam asked him why he was in such a hurry to return home. Jabir replied, “I am recently married!” The Prophet salla Allahu ʿalayhi wa sallam asked, “To an older lady or a younger one?” [the Arabic could also read: “To a widow or a virgin?”], to which he replied, “A widow.”

The Prophet salla Allahu ʿalayhi wa sallam said, “But why didn’t you marry a younger girl, so that you could play with her, and she could play with you, and you could make her laugh, and she could make you laugh?”

He said, “O Messenger of Allah! My father died  a martyr at Uhud, leaving behind daughters, so I did not wish to marry a young girl like them, but rather an older one who could take care of them and look after them.” The Prophet salla Allahu ʿalayhi wa salam replied, “You have made the correct choice.”

Jabir continues, “So when we were about to enter the city, the Prophet salla Allahu ʿalayhi wa sallam said to me, ‘Slow down, and enter at night, so that she who has not combed may comb her hair, and she who has not shaved may shave her private area.’ Then he said to me, ‘When you enter upon her, then be wise and gentle.’”

[Reported by al-Bukhari and Muslim, with various wordings, in their two Sahihs]

This is only part of a much larger hadith, known as (not surprisingly!) the ‘hadith of Jabir’. It is a hadith full of benefits, and in fact separate treatises have been written by our scholars just on this one hadith. In this article, we are concerned with how this hadith sheds light on intimacy and marriage in Islam.

What first strikes us is the frankness of the Prophet’s salla Allahu ʿalayhi wa sallam question. He is encouraging Jabir to find a playful wife, and wants the both of them to enjoy each other. Clearly, the words of ‘playfulness’ and ‘laughter’ indicate that what is being encouraged is the couple’s romance, foreplay and, generally, ‘having fun’ with one another.

This shows that it is one of the primary goals of a marriage that each party find satisfaction in the other. The connotation of being sexually playful is clearly implied, without any direct reference. From this, and many other references, we see that the Quran and Sunnah are frank about sexuality, but never vulgar. This should be our attitude and tone as well. It would do us well to contrast this straightforwardness of our Prophet with the ultra-reserved Muslim culture that we find around us, where even the words ‘love’ and ‘romance’ are considered filthy and are never be uttered in public!

Also, the Prophet salla Allahu ʿalayhi wa sallam explicitly mentioned that both parties should be satisfied with each other (‘…so that you may play with her and she may play with you…’). In most Muslim cultures, women’s sexuality is sidelined or even suppressed. Not only is a woman’s sexual feelings ignored, some cultures even cut off a part of a woman’s sexual organ in order to minimize her sexuality (through barbaric practices such as FGM – female genital mutilation). Women’s sexuality is no less important than men’s, and it is essential that a woman also be given her due right.

One phrase in this hadith that many men concentrate on is the encouragement to Jabir that he should marry a young woman. However, they ignore the context of the hadith and also the response of the Prophet salla Allahu Ê¿alayhi wa sallam. Jabir himself was a young man, and that is why he was asked why he would marry an older lady. Typically, a young man marries a young lady. When Jabir gave a legitimate reason for choosing an older lady, he was informed that he had, in fact, made the correct decision. One should always remember that even our Prophet first married Khadija, a lady senior to him in age, and remained with her for all of her life. Khadija was the most beloved wife of our Prophet, and even Aisha could not compete against that love.

The command to Jabir not to enter the city until nightfall was because the Prophet salla Allahu ʿalayhi wa sallam did not want Jabir to surprise his wife. At a time when there were no cell phones or other means of informing the family when a traveler would return, the Prophet salla Allahu ʿalayhi wa sallam would send a crier into the city, announcing that the caravan was returning. Hence, he told Jabir to wait for this crier before proceeding into the city. The crier would alert the inhabitants of the city (including Jabir’s wife), and they would then prepare themselves to great the returning travelers.

From this, we learn that spouses should physically beautify themselves for one another. Combing the hair is but one way to beautify; anything that increases the beauty and handsomeness of one spouse in front of the other is something to be encouraged. The Prophet salla Allahu Ê¿alayhi wa sallam told the impatient Jabir that it was better for him to delay his arrival in order that his wife could prepare herself for him.

The explicit command to shave the pubic area is an amazing phrase! We all know that a part of our Islamic tradition is that one must shave one’s pubic area; in this tradition, this command is put in the context of the sexual act. In other words, the husband is told to be patient so that his wife may beautify her private area in order to increase the aesthetic pleasure and gratification of sex. A husband and wife should make sure that even around their private areas, they look attractive to each other! Again and again, we see the frankness of the prophetic traditions and contrast this to the ultra-conservative attitudes predominant in many Muslim cultures.

Some people erroneously believe that a husband and wife should never look at each other’s private area. This belief is not based upon any authentic textual evidence – in fact, there are numerous evidences (including this one) that clearly state otherwise. If a husband will not enjoy the body of his wife, who else will he enjoy?! And the same applies for a woman with her husband’s body.

The last phrase of the hadith is translated as ‘…then be wise and gentle’. The Arabic is ‘fa-l-kayyis al-kayyis’, or, in another wording, ‘zafar al-kayyis.’ The word ‘kayyis’ primarily means wisdom, but it also has the connotation of gentleness. Scholars have understood this phrase to be an indirect reference that Jabir should approach his wife in a gentle and ‘wise’ manner.

Imam al-Bukhari, Ibn Khuzaymah, and Ibn Hibban all narrated this wording, and they all understood the reference here to be an indirect reference to the sexual act. Once again, the wording is frank without being vulgar. What is meant by ‘al-kayyis’ is that Jabir should act in a wise manner; he has been gone for some time, and is newly married. Therefore, both parties are missing each other, and it is a sign of wisdom that they gratify themselves and do not delay this unnecessarily. Also, there is a connotation of gentleness as well; Jabir should realize that he is a young man, and therefore he should not act in a manner that might be painful to his wife.

The fact that the Prophet salla Allahu ʿalayhi wa sallam is instructing Jabir what to do at this time shows that he instructed his Ummah even about such personal matters. In one hadith, which deals with the etiquette of the restroom, the Prophet salla Allahu ʿalayhi wa sallam said, “I am to you like a father, I teach you [what you need to know]…” [Reported by Abu Dawud]. Since Jabir did not have any older brothers, and his father had passed away, the Prophet salla Allahu ʿalayhi wa sallam took on this responsibility, and even advised him about sexual conduct. From this, we may extrapolate that people of knowledge, or elders of the community, should likewise not be shy when it comes to teaching Muslims about sexual etiquette.

The Islamic attitude towards sex is completely at odds with those of many Christian thinkers. St. Augustine, who is perhaps the single most influential theologian of early Christianity, viewed sexual desire as something ‘foul’ to be guilty and ashamed of. His writings had a profound impact on all future Christian notions of sex (and were also used to justify the prohibition of priests getting married). That is why, to this day, even many non-religious Christians are baffled by Islam’s attitude towards sex. It is mainly due to such notions that Islam has been viewed by many Westerners as being a ‘licentious’ religion. Such hadiths like this one of Jabir are mocked and ridiculed (one website I read commented, “How can a prophet of God command his followers to enjoy their wives?”). This shock stems from the basic Augustinian notion of sex being inherently evil. We must be aware of these psychological underpinnings when discussing Islam with others. For us as Muslims, sexual desire in and of itself is never associated with evil; it is only the misuse and abuse of such desire that is evil. Rather, quite the contrary, sex is quite clearly implied in the Quran as being a blessing from Allah, to be thoroughly enjoyed between spouses.

There are many evidence that clearly demonstrate Islam’s realistic and pragmatic view of human sexuality. Sexuality, like all human emotions, is a natural instinct that should be satisfied in a permissible manner. The emotion itself is not evil or filthy; abusing it and trying to satisfy it outside of the permissible bounds of marriage is evil and filthy.

The Prophet salla Allahu ʿalayhi wa sallam himself said, “From this world, women and perfume have been made beloved to me, but the coolness of my eye comes from prayer” [al-Bukhari]. And in the famous hadith, “This whole world is an enjoyment, and its best enjoyment is a righteous wife” [Muslim].

A righteous wife (and, by analogy, a good husband) is the best enjoyment of this world. Pure, halal, encouraged enjoyment! Even the blessed Prophet salla Allahu Ê¿alayhi wa sallam found comfort in his wives, but the comfort that prayer and turning to Allah gave him was obviously the most sweet and pure.

In another tradition, we are advised “If one of you approaches his wife, and then wishes to repeat, let him do wudhu, for it will make the recurrence more energetic” [Abu Dawud].

In all of these hadiths, we see once again the clear encouragement to engage in passionate and fulfilling sex with one’s spouse. The frank advice given makes it crystal clear that we should aim to have healthy sex lives. No less a figure than our beloved Prophet informed us of ways to increase our love and make the act of intimacy more fulfilling. Washing oneself after a first act invigorates the body and rejuvenates the soul, and thus helps in repeating the act again.

What is truly amazing is that while the message is crystal clear in each and every one of these traditions, never is the wording vulgar, nor is the language crude. Similarly, we should be frank in our teachings, but there is no need to employ unbefitting language.

Let us conclude this article by mentioning a quote from one of the most famous medieval scholars of our religion. Imam al-Ghazali (d. 505) mentions in his famous work The Revival of the Religious Sciences that scholars have mentioned many blessings of sex, such as protecting one’s chastity and increasing one’s progeny. But he also mentions a blessing that might surprise many Muslims. One of the blessings of sex that our scholars have mentioned, al-Ghazali says, is to experience some of the pleasures of the afterlife. He continues:

“And I swear, what they have said is absolutely true! For indeed, in this pleasure [of sex] – a pleasure that cannot be compared to any other pleasure ­– if only it were to persist, it would indeed be a sign or signal for those pleasures of the next life that have been promised to us. To entice someone regarding a pleasure that he has never experienced is of no use! If an impotent man were to be enticed with sex, or a young child with power, there would be no temptation. Therefore, one of the blessings of the sexual experience and pleasure in this world is the hope of its perpetual existence in the next, so that this can be used as a motivation for the worship of Allah.

Marvel, therefore, at the wisdom of Allah, and His Mercy, for look at how He has placed in one desire two lives: an external life, and an internal life. So the external life is the preservation of a man through his progeny and children. And the internal life is the life of the next world. For the pleasure of sex is diminished in this world because it must remain temporary, and is swiftly terminated, but by experiencing it, one’s desire to have such a pleasure remain everlasting becomes firm, and this encourages one to persist in deeds of worship that would allow him to experience such pleasures.”

What an amazing testament, regarding an amazing blessing, from an amazing scholar!

www.LikeAGarment.com

I will never forget the first embarrassingly explicit question that I was asked.  During one of the earliest series of lectures that I gave (the explanation of Kitab al-Tawhid), when I was still in my very early twenties, an older sister (probably in her mid 30s) came up to me and said she needed to ask a question. I was expecting something related to the topic, so I said, ‘Yes, go ahead.’ Instead, she asked a very frank question about the legal permissibility of something she and her husband did. All that I remember was turning beet-root red, looking down in embarrassment, and muttering some type of incoherent response back at her. Truth be told, not only did the question completely catch me off guard and discomfit me, I actually didn’t even know the answer to it. They most certainly did not teach us such material in Madinah!

Over the next few years, as I became more active in delivering sermons and lectures, I realized that the most common area that people needed guidance in was with regards to marital issues and spousal relationships. It didn’t matter if my talk was regarding some obscure and outdated fourth-century theological controversy in Nishapur, almost invariably a question or two would slip through and make its way towards me regarding a personal, marriage-related concern. It was also quite irrelevant where I happened to be talking. From America to Dubai and from Australia to the UK, marriage problems and marital advice topped the list of queries. As if to prove this point, the escalating problem of divorce amongst our generation is a matter that we are all painfully aware of. It is obvious that the Muslim men and women of our generation are having greater difficulty in maintaining healthy marriages.

Just a few weeks ago, after a seminar I delivered, a sister approached and asked for a few minutes of my time regarding a private issue. Her problem was not an uncommon one, although perhaps she was more traumatized by it than others. She told me that she had been married for a few years, but that her marital life was not satisfactory. Almost at the verge of tears, and in a very embarrassed state, she said that her husband was a good man in most respects, but in ‘that department’ he really was quite incompetent, and even selfish. All he was interested in was satisfying himself; her needs seemed to be of no concern to him. She told me that that her level of frustration and exasperation continued to grow and grow, and in fact many times she was left in tears after what should have been a moment of intimacy and romance. Not only did he not care, he was not even willing to acknowledge that there was a problem. Was it Islamically permissible, she asked, if she asked for a divorce to end the marriage and try to find happiness in another marriage?

Similar problems abound amongst brothers as well, although few are manly enough to actually admit it and seek guidance. The most common complaint amongst men is that their wives do not seem anywhere near as interested as they themselves are in being intimate. For these men, both the quantity and the quality of experiences are unsatisfactory. As a result, many brothers are tempted to believe that the only solution to their predicament is in marrying a second wife. They do not realize that such a ‘solution’ will in all likelihood compound this very problem, not to mention add a whole multitude of new ones as well. Instead of finding fault with an existing wife, a husband would fare better in seeing what he can do to improve the situation. Most times, a little bit of understanding and compassion (also known as ‘romance’) will go a very long way.

In my humble opinion, and based on my own observations, most of this tension arises from perceived gender roles and misguided expectations of how the ‘other’ should interact in a marriage. And while sexual roles and expectations are by no means the only problem, they are clearly a major one, and one that exacerbates other tensions within a marriage.

The problem is underscored by the fact that most men and women have no clue regarding how the opposite gender thinks, feels and acts. This ignorance is found in both Muslims and non-Muslims, but in this regard, non-Muslims typically do have an edge over us. Because of their consistent exposure to the opposite gender (and their frequent dating), non-Muslims do have a better understanding and are usually more sympathetic to the needs of the opposite gender. Additionally, because the predominant culture entails open and direct competition amongst members of one gender to stand out and appear attractive to the opposite gender (no arranged marriages there!), both men and women typically do display and cultivate emotional characteristics and sensitivities that their significant other would find extremely appealing. Men learn that romance and compassion will get them far; women learn that they can have more control over their man if they ‘push the right buttons’. For better or for worse, however, our own brothers and sisters are woefully in the dark about these issues, and the more conservative (and therefore ‘righteous’) a person is, the less experience he or she would have had in this regard, and hence the less prepared to face marriage. Most Muslim couples enter marriage not quite knowing what to face.

The problem is compounded for most of us, since we as a modern generation of Muslims are caught between two cultures: the excessive ultra-conservatism of our parent’s culture (in which parents never even held hands in front of their kids, or addressed each other in endearing terms, or indeed showed any signs of being romantic), and the hyped over-sexuality and over-romanticism of the culture surrounding us (in which much happens in public that we’d rather not discuss). We grew up receiving confusing and contradictory messages from the home and family on the one side, and from television and society on the other.

Such an onslaught of problems and questions forced me, from very early on, to read up on issues not quite on the curriculum at Madinah! And while many of the books I read were extremely beneficial in terms of understanding the psychological and emotional differences between men and women, all of them were written for people with very different ethics and value systems than those of our own. I found myself trying to sift through and extract the beneficial bits while discarding suggestions that would not work from within our religious and cultural paradigm. This material, I strongly felt, had to be ‘Islamified’ and then passed on to others.

Last year, an opportunity arose which allowed me to express some of those ideas in front of an audience. A dear friend and mentor was teaching a class about the fiqh of marriage. As part of that class, one section would deal with issues of intimacy. It just so happened that I would be in that same city for another reason, and would be free on that particular day. The Shaykh, when he heard that I would be in town, confessed that he felt awkward doing this section because he had not been raised in this culture, and felt that I might be more appropriate since I could better relate to the issues facing our youth. At first I was quite hesitant to take up this offer (“So, Shaykh, let me get this straight: you want me to stand up in front of five hundred young men and women and talk about sex?!”), but after thinking through this issue, and with the continued persistence of the Shaykh, I decided to put myself in the ‘hot seat’ and go through with it. I thought about the questions and problems that had been presented to me over the last decade, and the issues that people had confided in me regarding their marital problems. I structured my notes around those experiences, re-read many of the works that I had on the subject, and added a healthy dose of Quranic and hadith references, along with some Islamic common sense. I decided that it would be appropriate to separate the brothers and sisters, and lecture one gender at a time. That way, not only could I modify the lecture to target each gender specifically, I could also avoid the awkwardness that would have been felt if the other gender had been present.

The results and feedback after my talk astounded me. Overwhelmingly, people thanked me for the frank and relevant advice – for speaking in explicit terms and moving beyond simplistic one-line platitudes. Many people asked for a recording of this session (it had not been recorded), and quite a few suggested that my talk should be expanded and taught in a separate seminar. Word quickly spread (along with a few inevitable jokes!), and this class led to a few more speaking engagements along similar topics. Along the way, I had to research more and more and expand into more issues. Feedback and questions from audiences also helped me shape the topic and fine-tune my talks.

The last time I taught the class – to a group of brothers and sisters in the UK – I asked each student to fill out an anonymous feedback form regarding the talk. I specifically told them to point out any weaknesses and mention criticisms. Alhamdulillah, the survey came back without a single negative comment. Again and again, people expressed the sentiment that this information needed to be taught to all Muslims of our generation: those who were yet to be married, those who were newlyweds and experiencing problems, and those who wanted healthier marriages.

This is why, after praying istikhara and speaking to others about this issue, I have decided to commit some time to this area and address this very delicate subject directly, from an Islamic perspective. The initiative is called ‘Like A Garment’ (www.LikeAGarment.com), from the famous Quranic phrase of spouses being like garments to one another. The website has two aims: to disseminate information about this topic (which will, insha Allah, be beneficial to all Muslims, single and married), and to garner, via anonymous questionnaires, the problems and concerns that the Muslims of our times are facing in this area (which will help me better prepare future lectures).  I encourage those who are interested to log on to the website and sign up to receive our weekly journal.

I pray that Allah helps me to make this project successful, and that through it many, many Muslims are able to live better lives and obtain happier marriages! Ameen.

Some time ago, I gave a series of lectures on Taharah (cleanliness) to the sisters in my community. A number of questions were raised from the discussion. It was nice and a very open talk since the one giving the lecture was a female herself. The sisters felt quite comfortable asking questions, in detail, that they normally feel shy about.

One of the matters that we discussed was about the exact nature of female wet dreams. I realized that this issue is not only complicated for sisters but also a much neglected subject. This is why, I decided to have a full entry on this topic, for a number of reasons:

1. This matter is not as simple and clearly distinguishable for sisters as it is for brothers, so it must be thoroughly explained.
2. There are a number of lectures given from shayukh to the brothers, in detail; however, rarely do we ever hear any Shariah explanation for sisters, in detail.
3. Mothers feel shy talking to their daughters about it. In which case, if the young daughter experiences a wet dream, she may not know the Shariah ruling on it or how to purify herself afterward.

Hence, I decided to contribute this piece, along with the help of a professional Gynecologist, Dr. Fatimah Lalani and Shaykh Yasir Qadhi, so it may help and benefit all the sisters who read this.

Wet dreams are as normal for women as they are for men. Although, the frequency may be lower compared to men, nonetheless, the occurrence of wet dreams among women does not indicate any abnormality.

Umm Salamah said: “Umm Sulaym came to the Messenger of Allah, sallallahu alihi wasalam, and said, ‘O Messenger of Allah, Allah is not too shy to tell us the truth. Does a woman have to do ghusl if she has a wet dream?’ The Prophet said: ‘Yes, if she sees water (a discharge).’ Umm Salamah covered her face and said, ‘O Messenger of Allah, can a woman have an erotic dream?’ He said, ‘Yes, may your hands be rubbed with dust. How else would her child resemble her?’” (Bukhari)

Therefore, if a girl/woman sees a wet dream, it does not mean that she is sexually perverted, lewd or immodest in any sense. It is out of her control, especially for younger girls who may be experiencing many hormonal changes in their bodies. In fact, the Shariah itself recognizes wet dreams as a sign of puberty.

“And when the children among you come to puberty (al-hilm)…” [al-Noor 24:59]

The same term, al-hilm, is used for both puberty and wet dreams, marking wet dreams an indication of puberty.

Besides, Allah azzawajal created wet dreams as an outlet for men and women to release their sexual energy. It happens as a result of human nature which Allah azzawajal has created Himself and no blame can be put on a person. Moreover, since wet dreams happen during sleep, while a person has no control over himself/herself, the Shariah frees a person from any blame.

The Messenger of Allah, sallallahu alihi wasalam, said: “The Pen has been lifted from three: from the one who is sleeping until he wakes up, from the child until he reaches the age of puberty, and from one who is insane until he comes to his senses.” (Tirmidhi)

Also, keep in mind that the Prophet, sallallahu alihi wasalam, did not reprimand the woman who had a wet dream, neither did he declare it “abnormal” for women. Rather, he made it quite clear that women can have wet dreams just like men do and there is no oddity or incongruity with it.

Aisha (ra) said: The Messenger of Allaah, sallallahu alihi wasalam, was asked about a man who notices some wetness but does not remember having a wet dream. He said, “He should do ghusl.” He was asked about a man who thinks that he had an erotic dream but does not see any wetness. He said, “He does not have to do ghusl.” Umm Salamah said, “O Messenger of Allah, does a woman have to do ghusl if she sees something like that?” He said, “Yes, women are the twin halves of men.” (Tirmidhi, Abu Dawood)

And so, I want to remind the parents and the husbands to educate themselves on this subject before making any hurtful or psychologically damaging remarks to their womenfolk. This matter is as normal among women as it is among men.

Having said this, I want to encourage mothers to inform and educate their daughters about such dreams. Do not underestimate what others are capable of teaching your daughter, including her friends (inside or outside the schools, Muslims or non-Muslims) or even teachers. Even if they do not attend the “sex-Ed” class at the school, I can assure you that they will be taught by their fellow students. Most of my teen students learned about these issues from their classmates during 3rd and 4th grade. That was about ten years ago and over the time; our society has only become more corrupted.

It is best that a daughter hears and learns this information directly from her own mother rather than from someone else educating her in school or in the streets. A mother’s education is sincere, pure, and free of any vulgarity. Besides, a Muslim mother can/should always point out the Islamic recognition of the normality of our body functions and the Shariah rulings about it.

Do not wait until your daughter asks you, because she may never ask you. This is a step that a mother has to initiate and be the first to “break the ice.” My suggestion is to explain exactly what happens during a wet dream, next give her the biological/hormonal cause, and then explain to her the Islamic ruling about it. Make your daughter feel comfortable, do not pass any embarrassing comments, put a smile on your face but be precise.

Also, do not wait until her menstrual cycle starts. It is better to educate her once the signs of puberty start appearing in her. During my discussion with Dr. Lalani, I asked her if a girl could have wet dreams before she has her first menstrual cycle. And she replied:

“Yes I suppose it is possible. Puberty is a continuum and can begin around age 9-10, starting with development of breasts, pubic and underarm hair, a growth spurt, and then menses. Throughout this time you have hormonal changes, so I suppose you could have a wet dream, prior to onset of menses.”

It led to my other question: Can wet dreams in itself mark the onset of a girl's puberty (balagha) making her accountable for her religious obligations like fasting and hijab? Of course as any fiqhi matter, this too, had ikhtilaf (difference of opinions). I do not intend to defend one opinion or the other, but I will briefly mention both opinions.

Those scholars, who support the opinion that wet dreams are an indication of a girl reaching the age of puberty, base their opinion on the signs of male puberty and do not make any distinction between the two genders; they include menstruation as an additional sign for females.

However, the other opinion is inferred from a number of ahadith that state that the rulings are to be established at time of menstruation, like the hadith of the Prophet sallallahu alihi wasalam:

“Allah does not accept the prayer of a menstruating woman [i.e who has gotten her menstruation] unless she wears a veil [khimar]“. [Abu Dawood, at-Tirmizi]

And like the narration in Sahih Muslim in which the Prophet sallallahu alihi wasalam indicated that a man’s prayer is cut off when a woman who has gotten her menstruation passes in front of him. In this hadith, the sign of a baligha (a woman who has reached puberty) was indicated by her menstruation, wAllahu ta’ala ‘alam.

To conclude, since the female wet dream may or may not be accompanied by a discharge, contrary to that of men, I posed a few questions to the shuyukh based on the discussion I had with other women and I received following answers from Sh. Yasir Qadhi:

These answers are by Sh. Yasir Qadhi:

To be honest we rarely find such DETAILED discussion in fiqh books, most likely because men are not as familiar with this topic as they should be.  However, based on the hadith of the Prophet, sallallahu alihi wasalam, I would say that:

Question: If a woman sees a sexual dream but is confused whether she had an orgasm or not, what should she do? (Please keep in mind that female genital area is always wet, and they do not necessarily always have extra discharge upon orgasm, so the matter is not as easy to discriminate as for men)

Answer: The 'asl (original) is that she has not had a wet dream, so until there is yaqin (certainty) she does not have to take a bath. Therefore, if she does not remember an orgasm, and her private area is not extra wet, she doesn't have to do ghusl (bath).

Question: If she sees extra vaginal discharge but is sure that she didn't have any dream of sexual nature at all?

Answer: Vaginal discharge does not necessitate ghusl, no problems here.

Question: If she sees extra vaginal discharge and is confused about the dream (i.e. vaguely recalls something but is not sure either), again keeping in mind that extra vaginal discharge could be completely hormonal or due to the normal menstrual cycle?

Answer: She must have yaqin (certainty) or at least a very strong presumption that she's had a wet dream (which includes an orgasm).

If sisters have any further questions, please feel free to post them here.

——-

** UPDATE **

I received some private questions regarding this article. As much as I would love to answer them back privately, I see much benefit of putting the answers in this section.  I was asked:

1.    Explain the wet dream in exact words as if you were to explain it to your daughter.

2.    How do you explain exactly what happens during a wet dream? Does a female wakes up feeling wet (many females have vaginal discharge all the times), or does it have to be accompanied by an orgasm?

3.    How do you explain orgasm to your non married daughter?

4.    Is Orgasm different from the initial vaginal throbbing sensation that one feels when one has been aroused?

Before we proceed, I want to mention that I was amazed at the level of shyness sisters feel in asking questions. I asked some of them to post these questions in the comments anonymously for the benefit of all the readers. BUT they felt too shy to even pose the question with a complete anonymous name/email.

Let us remember, as one of the shayookh on board, quoted:
لا يطلب العلم مستحي ولا مستكبر
“No shy or arrogant person will ever seek knowledge.”

Keeping this in mind, and inshaAllah for the benefit of all my sisters-in-Islam, I posed these questions to a few sisters I trust, and below is a collated reply from them:

1.    It is a dream where you might see yourself or some other girl with some guy. And you might see the two kissing, hugging, touching each other and doing all sorts of romantic stuff. Seeing that dream will make your heart beat go faster and you will feel strong tingly sensation in your vaginal area. This may wake you up from your sleep.

It is not as simple to explain the orgasm in words. It is a strong sexual sensation that sends waves of pleasure from abdominal area to vaginal area, which makes a woman arch her back a bit and perhaps want to thrust her pelvis spasmodically.  There is also a strong sensation to touch or rub the private area or to take something inside the vaginal area specifically. A woman will feel fulfilled and satisfied with an immediate drop of tingling in vaginal area and all sexual sensations.

It is important to note here though that sometimes a female may wake up in the middle of the dream, before having an orgasm. It is not allowed at that point to use one’s own hands or any instrument to insert or rub vaginal area to reach orgasm and feel satisfied. Whatever happened up to the point where a person wakes up is out of her control; however, what is done consciously is subjected to accountability.

It is important that the prohibition of masturbation is explained to the children. Once a sister’s 9-10 year old daughter used her mother’s body massager on her private areas; and ,very innocently, explained to her mother that it used to feel “good”. Obviously the daughter was totally unaware of what she was doing.

Similarly, once a sister saw her young daughter (around 7) using the shower massager on her private areas while taking a shower. She explained to her mother that it felt good.

2.    It has to be accompanied by an orgasm. Please see the questions answered by Sh. Yasir in the post.

3.    Explained above. Also, parents should take some time reading some material over this subject. There are books that can be checked out form the library. Or even more conveniently, there is material available on the internet. A simple Google search will lead you to many websites. However, you will have to filter that to appropriate information and in mild terms.

4.    Yes, definitely. Orgasm is not the state of sexual arousal, but that of pleasure. Arousal results in vaginal throbbing; but orgasm is an intense feeling which leaves a person satisfied. Please see point 1. Initial vaginal throbbing sensation can be felt by thinking about sex, foreplaying etc. but orgasm is more than just the vaginal throbbing. One clear way of distinguishing between the two is that orgasm is followed by an immediate cease of all sexual sensations and leaves a woman exhausted and drained.

I was actually asked the same question in Toronto, a few weeks ago. And while this is a very disturbing question to some people, it is something that needs to be mentioned and discussed publicly.

It is possible that some people have urges that are considered abnormal by others. Sometimes, from a religious perspective these urges would indeed be classified as abnormal. But simply having such urges does not justify acting upon them.

The issue of sexual orientation has raised a huge controversy in Western circles. People are still debating whether sexual orientation is decreed by what they call 'Nature', or by 'nurture'. And the reason for this debate is that there is a tendency to justify homosexual urges because, it is claimed, they are beyond one's control. So, some people say: “My sexual orientation is something Nature has decreed. It's in my DNA – my genes! So its not in my control whether I am attracted to the opposite gender or the same gender.”

Such discussion is happening in the backdrop of what has been termed the 'sexual revolution', which began in full force in the 60′s and, some would argue, is still continuing to this day. People are more open about topics of sexuality, morality levels have radically changed, and it has become acceptable to espouse what has been termed 'alternative life styles'. To give you just one example of how dramatic this revolution has been, many would be surprised to discover that even as recently as 50 years ago, Western culture viewed homosexuality with a very different lens. Up until 1973,  homosexuality was actually classified as a mental disease in America.

In our religion,  the discussion of whether these urges are because of 'Nature' or 'nurture' is really quite irrelevant. And by this I do not mean that we don't have an answer to this question. As Muslims, we believe that the fitrah that Allah created us upon is that, in terms of sexuality at least, opposites attract. But it is possible that some people have corrupted this fitrah themselves, or it has been corrupted by external methods. And it cannot even be ruled out that for some, the change in this fitrah is beyond their control.

But the point  is – and that is why I say the question is irrelevant to the Shar'i ruling -  even if somebody has such urges, it does not justify them acting upon it. Rather, what we can say to those who feel attracted to the same gender is that having such urges and conquering them is a part of the test Allah has given them. Each one of us is tried in different ways, and merely wanting to do an act is not justification enough to carry it out. Imagine if we were to open this door, and legitimize acting upon an urge merely because it existed!

And I firmly believe – and this is my theory, and it may be wrong -  that the primary reason why we are seeing a rise in such unnatural inclinations is because of the proliferation of sexual images and the increasement of public sexuality around us. What this proliferation has done is to desensitize us to that which we should not be desensitized to. We are constantly bombarded with images of the most beautiful women and the most handsome men, and such images are a temptation to those of the opposite gender. Wherever we look, whether its TV, advertisements, magazines, the internet, or even simply strolling down a public road, we constantly see the most sexually charged images possible. Sexuality is always flaunted in our faces. And the proliferation of such overt sexuality desensitizes our normal sexuality. It is amazing that looking at a scantily clad gorgeous model in an advert hardly elicits any sexual arousal amongst people of our generation, whereas just a few decades ago that very image might have been banned in some Western countries, or at least never displayed in public.

Can you imagine (I know it's difficult to do so, but let us try!) growing up in a world where you have never seen an unrelated woman? Where you have never witnessed nudity? Where you have never gone through love affair after love affair? For the one who is raised in such a world, a person of 'average' beauty would be attractive to someone of the opposite gender.

This unnatural emphasis that our modern world has on external beauty is simply dangerous. Typically, when a person is looking for a spouse, such a person should feel an attraction to somebody of a similar background and culture and age. Such is the way that Allah created us – a man is attracted to the natural beauty of a woman. And that is why in the past, for thousands of years, our own fathers, and forefathers before them, did not emphasize external beauty to even a fraction of what we do, and yet it can be argued, merely by looking at their divorce rates, that their marriages were far more successful than ours.  The whole emphasis on external beauty was simply unnatural to them. All of you know how your own parents and grandparents got married, and their grandparents before them. The groom comes, sees the bride, and, generally speaking, there is an attraction and the marriage takes place. Nowadays, on the other hand, the very notion of a pre-arranged marriage is a mockery that we would not subjugate ourselves to (and I am not suggesting here that we should – I'm merely pointing out how things have changed in just one generation). This emphasis that we have on 'beauty' and 'compatibility' is a very modern phenomenon. Of course I'm not suggesting that people in the past did not care about beauty, but what I am saying is that it was not anywhere near as emphasized as it is now. Also, since the generations before us were raised in environments where they were not subjected to the sight of sexual images everywhere, they would not compare their prospective spouses to the sensual images of world-famous models that have been seared into our heads as a result of our upbringing here. When we expect our spouses to look like the most beautiful/handsome people on Earth (and it must be pointed out that most pictures we see are not even real, having been digitally altered to look super-humanly sexy), this will only lead to trouble.

And so, when we have been bombarded with sexual images all the time, that which is naturally lustful loses its erotic nature. This then leads to being attracted to unnatural attractions. The bar for 'sexual titillation' rises higher and higher. It also explains certain sexual habits that are becoming more predominant between couples. While these habits might be halal and mubah in and of themselves, it does make us pause when we realize that people before us would disdain such practices and even consider some of them to be perverse. Once again, I reiterate that these practices might be halal, but the whole emphasis on sexual toys, sexual games, certain fetishes, and role playing, even between couples, is indicative of this sexually charged world we live in.  While these matters are halal, it does show that we are not satisfied with what is natural. Our desires become increasingly insatiable.

And so this is why we are seeing an increase in many unnatural and perverse desires. Homosexuality is on the rise amongst non-Muslims, and now also amongst Muslims. A few weeks ago I was in Toronto, and the exact same question came up, where a brother wrote the exact same thing. And he said: “Shaykh, I can't help it. What advice do you give me? I can't help feeling attracted to other men. This is the way I am. And I'm battling it, and I'm embarrassed of it,” and he even said: “I don't even want to get married. The thought of getting married disgusts me”.

So, the question arises: what does a person who has such feelings do?  As I've said, the fact that you have such feelings doesn't mean you act upon them. If Allah has tested you in this manner, then that is a part of your test and trial, and Allah says in the Qur'an, 'And Allah does not burden a soul with more than it can bear.' The claim that merely having an urge legitimizes it is extremely flimsy.

I say that I'm attracted to women. Does that legitimize going after every woman I'm attracted to? Of course not. We all have our desires and urges and we must all battle them. So if you experience urges that are unnatural, you must battle them, and without doubt Allah will reward you for that.

Another point to realize is that the urge, in and of itself, is not sinful. It is simply a desire, and desires are beyond our control, hence we are not accountable for them. But to allow such feelings to persist without trying to control them is problematic. In any case, the urge in and of itself is not sinful, acting on the urge is what incurs sin. As long as the desire remains in the realm of feeling, you are not accountable on the Day of Judgment, but the second that this desire is manifested in a physical action, you are liable for all that follows.

Lastly, even if you have acted upon this urge – and we seek Allah's refuge from this – know that this would constitute a sin. Yes, a major sin, and one that most people would be disgusted by, but realize that it is a sin alone and not kufr. Hence, even acting upon it and committing a major sin does not expel you from the fold of Islam. However, to stand up and justify it, or defend it, or write articles claiming that it is Islamic, without a doubt constitutes kufr, and not merely sin.

So, my dear brother who wrote this question – and you are my brother in Islam, even if you have such feelings – I want you to know that I sympathize with you, and I also appreciate your honesty and sincerity. I advise you to seek counseling, and to go to people who will understand your situation and who can direct you in a more specific manner. I understand as well that if you go to many of the typical imams of the masjids, they would not sympathize with your situation at all and would probably make matters worse for you. I understand that you cannot go to such people. But you will find sympathetic ears to listen to your problem, insha'Allah.

And remember that marriage is a solution, so you should seriously consider it. The Prophet Lut 'alayhis salam told his people, “These are my daughters, they are more pure for you.”  Some scholars say that when he said “daughters”, he is also implying the women of the town and not just his own daughters. So he's telling the men of his community who were guilty of this crime to go and marry women, for they are better and purer for them. Marriage is a solution, because sensuality and sexuality is something that can be satisfied – rather it should be satisfied – by the opposite gender within the confines of marriage.

Try to repel these urges, do not act upon them, take immediate steps to get married, and throughout all of this, put your trust in Allah and continue making du'a to Him, and I pray that Allah makes your situation easy for you and blesses you in this life and the next.

Related Posts:

• Sex & the Ummah: Child Molestation in the Muslim World- Myth or Reality? Part I
• Sex & the Muslim Ummah – Part 1 [Sex Education]
• Pornography Addiction Among Muslims (Stories & Tips)
• The Secret Life of Husbands (Sex & the Muslim Ummah)

Resources:

• Website: http://www.gaymuslims.wordpress.com
• Join other Muslims struggling with this problem but trying to overcome it:
  http://groups.yahoo.com/group/StraightStruggle
• Email group admin: conviction2change@gmail.com

A PDF version will be available on conclusion for printing/distribution

Parental Discretion Advised
If you are a parent of children who read posts on MM, then this is one that you should read yourself first, before allowing them to read it, so that you can judge the benefit/harm. One benefit is that if there is any child, who has gone through such a situation, it may open a channel for him/her to discuss it with you.

Some links, when available, will open up separate posts, unless indicated otherwise:

I. Molesters

• A. Who are the Molesters?
• B. How and When the Molesters Attack?

II. Victims and Their Struggles

• A. Approaching Their Families
• B. Emotional & Psychological Damages
• C. Personality Damage
• D. Intimacy & Marital Relationship

III. Prevention & Advice for the Victims' Families

• A. Prevention
• B. Some Signs of Molestation
• C. Role of Victim's Parents
• D. Rape

IV. Healing is Possible: Advice for the Victims

• Part-A (This Post)
• Part-B

V. Advice for the Molesters

——————————–

Part IV-A

Healing is Possible- Advice to the Victims:

This section is not only for the victims, but also for the parents of the victims and anyone who may want to help.

The life of this world is full of tests and trials. The believers are tested in many different areas.

ولنبلونكم بشئ من الخوف والجوع ونقص من الاموال والانفس والثمرات …

“Be sure we shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods or lives or the fruits (of your toil)…” (2:155)

But even in our tests, Allah’s Mercy takes over and He rewards us for being tested:

“No Muslim is afflicted with any harm, even if it was (as minor as) the prick of a thorn, except that Allaah will grant him (a higher) rank and wipe out a sin due to this.” (Bukhari)

We are tested in this world with different trials. Some children are born disabled, and their test is not because of any of their own fault, but because Allah decides to test them with that disability. Some children are too young when their parents die. They grow up in far more difficult and harsh circumstances compared to other children, however their parents’ death is not a result of any of their mistakes. Some children are born out of wedlock and they suffer because of the mistake their parents made, and not because of any of their own faults.

Every soul is tested with a difficult trial but not impossible to pass through successfully. This is the fundamental belief of every Muslim:

…لا ىكلف الله نفس الا وسعها

“On no soul doth Allah place a burden greater than it can bear…” (2:286)

Tests and trial are an opportunity for us to strengthen our faith. A trial can become a blessing if, through that trial, a person tries to come closer to Allah. Similarly, a blessing can become a curse if it leads a person towards arrogance, away from his Creator.

Let us proceed then, with the hope that the fitnah of sexual molestation becomes a source of forgiveness and increase in rank for all of my sisters who suffered through this tragedy.

Were You Sexually Molested?

Many victims remain unsure whether their experience fits in the definition of molestation.

Think back when you were young, if any of the following or something similar happened to you, then you were likely sexually molested:

· Fondled, hugged or kissed in an unusual way that felt bad and uneasy

· Touched unnecessarily on your private parts

· Forced to touch someone else’s private parts

· Forced to take off all or some of your clothes, while someone watched

· Forced to perform oral sex, or have it performed on you

· Raped or anything forced into your genitals

· Forced to watch, or talk about sex

· Fondled or hurt genitally while being bathed

· Forced to watch seductive pictures/movies or forced to pose sexually for pictures

You are not Alone:

Dear victim of abuse and the one neglected by your parents, know and realize that recovery is possible. You have the ability to stand in the face of your trial, fight within yourself, heal and thrive.

Know that you are not the only one who was molested; rather, there are many. You are not the only one who was rejected by your family; rather, there are many. But if you are reading this, then consider it as a blessing from Allah that He made available to you perhaps a chance to learn about your abuse and recover from it. Not everyone has the same chance. You could have been someone uneducated growing up in a village with no facilities or abilities to read, no internet or access to any books on this subject, and you might have never become aware that what happened to you was wrong and was NOT your fault, and you could have suffered and faced many problems for the rest of your lives.

Make yourself among those few who come out of this trial successfully.

Acknowledgment:
Although it may not be easy to acknowledge that you were sexually molested, you have to know that acknowledgment is the first step towards healing. Even if your abuse was smaller compared to others, all sexual molestation is damaging. Sadly, the trauma caused by abuse does not end with the molestation and your personality may have been shaped based on what happened in your childhood, or you may be suffering the long term effects of it now.

Sometimes it is hard to pinpoint the exact effect abuse may have had on you, because the effects can enter within you, your dealings with others, your sexuality and intimacy, your parenting and even your level of sanity.

Most importantly, how your tragedy was handled makes a difference on its impact in your life. If your confession to your family was handled properly and effectively, then your healing began immediately and you may have recovered soon after that. But if you were not believed, doubted, blamed, then your damage could be settled within you. And the way you coped so far, without proper help, may have caused further damage within you.

Don’t Rely on Coping But Prepare Yourself for Healing:

Everyone learns to cope with their pain, effectively or ineffectively. But what can be expected of little children who build their own coping strategies without any proper assistance, how effective can be their coping method be?

Some of you might have coped through excelling in certain areas of your lives like education or work, but adapting unhealthy patterns in other areas, like blocking out emotions or withdrawing, yet some of you might have totally given into your abuse, and succumbed into downfall. You may partially or totally

· Deny that it ever happened

· Or pretend that it was not that bad

· Or believe that it happens to every child

· Or reason out molester’s behavior

· Or forget and block out memories of molest

· Or develop a dual personality; an outer shell of normal life and a bruised inner self

· Or develop Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) or Multiple Personalities

· Or avoid people, intimacy or close friendships to protect yourself

· Or become too overpowering and manipulative

· Or find satisfaction in self-destructive patterns like anorexia, or bulimia, or compulsive eating, or sexual addiction, or workaholism or even self-mutilation

If you have any or some of these behavior pattern or similar behavior, then you are coping through your pain. Your goal is not to cope like putting a bandage over a wound, rather to heal and thrive.

• Don’t run away from your pain, face it.
• Remember and recall what happened.
• If you are still being molested, get out of that situation. Tell a family member, if they don’t take any action, then reach out to someone else to get help. Know that to protect yourself is your responsibility and you are allowed to leave your house and stay somewhere else, where you are safe, IF your parents are not helping you.[http://islam-qa.com/en/ref/84426/molested]
• Get help.

It was not Your Fault:

You must acknowledge that it was not your fault. You must repeat this to yourself several times a day: Sexual abuse can never be the child’s fault.

• If you wanted to get attention and affection and you felt like your molester was giving you that and you didn’t fight back, even then it was not your fault. Remember, as a child you couldn’t have differentiated between attention and molestation or being taken advantage of.
• If you had sexual pleasure when you were molested, there was nothing wrong with that, it didn’t make you an evil person. Your body naturally responded to sexual stimulation. If you had an orgasm or felt good you should not feel ashamed because it was your body’s natural reaction and not your fault.

Then why did it happen to you?

Remember that Allah tests us through different avenues, and what happened to you was nothing more than a test also.

Sa’d ibn Abi Waqqaas said: I said: “O Messenger of Allah, which of the people are most sorely tested?”

He said: “The Prophets, then the next best and the next best. A man will be tested in accordance with his level of religious commitment. If his religious commitment is strong, he will be tested more severely, and if his religious commitment is weak, he will be tested in accordance with his religious commitment. Calamity will keep befalling a person until he walks on the earth with no sin on him.” (Tirmidhi)

“The greatness of the reward goes with the greatness of the trial. Verily, if Allah loves a people, He tries them. Whoever is pleased, shall have (Allah’s) pleasure. And whoever is angered shall have (Allah’s) anger.” (Tirmidhi)

Confide into Someone:

Break your silence. Once you have acknowledged that it was not your fault, then you don’t need to feel ashamed or hide within yourself anymore. Talking to a trustworthy friend or a person of knowledge is always helpful. Many victims DO want to speak up, but because of the taboos around the issue, they feel uncomfortable and confused.

You may have been silenced by the molester or your own family, but you don’t have to stay in your cage anymore. Find a good Muslim friend to confide in, someone who cares about you, someone you can trust and someone with whom you have shared your personal issues before.

It is a human nature to communicate and express feelings. Confining negative feelings within oneself out of fear is damaging to one’s personality.

• Speak to a person of knowledge. Try to find one in your local area, and speak to him/her. People of knowledge always give valuable advice and offer words of comfort.
• Try to work with a group of abused children. It will remind you of how powerless children are, and it will help you realize that just like the children you work with didn’t incur molestation upon themselves, neither did you, and it was not your fault.
• Unfortunately, since not many Muslim survivors step forward and talk about their mishap, it is difficult to formulate a “Muslim Child-Molestation Survivors”. But if you find one, then communication with such people will help you.

Cry it Out:

It is natural to grieve over tragedies, especially the tragedy of being helplessly molested as a child.

However, a believer is never “overpowered” by his/her grief. You will have your moments, ups and downs but don’t forget that what happened to you was a test from Allah, and Allah never overburdens any soul. So whatever happened, you have the power and strength to overcome it otherwise Allah azzawajal would never have tested you with it:

“On no soul does Allah place a burden greater than it can bear…”

Remember, if you want your test to become a blessing for you, then you must use this test to bring yourself closer to Allah. You will cry, as it is natural, and you should cry but try to cry in your prayers, so not only you cry out your pain, but cry it out in front of the One Who can help you overcome your pain.

• Make dua’ for yourself, make your condition as an intercession in your du’a
• Pray Qiyyam, you will feel an irreplaceable peace and sakeenah inside you
• Hang around good practicing Muslim friends

Anger:

It is natural and okay to feel anger towards the molester. However, don’t let anger overpower you either.

Remember, your goal is to turn this test into a blessing. Your molester hurt you, but you are not going to let him damage you anymore, you are not going to let him ruin the rest of your life. You have the power to take control of the situation now. Bring yourself above the lowly ground of the molester. Anyone can get angry at a wrongdoer, but you are not going to waste your time or energy in anger, rather you are going to do something beneficial and constructive for yourself, something your molester was too weak to do.

• Divert your anger by reading isti’aadha, or adhkaar. While the molester tried to ruin your life, you will overpower his evil plan by your spiritual strength.
• Every time you feel angry, drink water and start reading:

سبحان الله و بحمده سبحان الله عظىم

The Messenger of Allah (salllahu alihi wasalam) said, “There are two statements that are light for the tongue to remember, heavy in the Scales and are dear to the Merciful: `Subhan-Allahi wa bihamdihi, Subhan-Allahil-Azim.” [Bukhari]

• Buy some good Islamic CDs, and listen to them every time you feel angry.
• Call or visit your friend with whom you entrusted your “secret”.
• Attend a halaqah, go to the masjid or occupy yourself with something constructive.
• Make a diary and start writing the positive things that happened to you in your childhood every time you feel angry. Also, try to write about the blessings that you have now in your life. So you develop the habit of counting your blessings and not your mishaps.
• If you can, take an action against your molester. Not only it is the right thing to do but also you will feel satisfied that you protected other innocent children from his evil. Be careful though, because shaytaan might tempt you to exaggerate what the molester did to you to get him in deeper trouble and satisfy your anger.

Lastly, remember that the ultimate enemy, even worse than the molester himself, shaytaan ar-rajeem, does not want to see you overcome your anger. So he will continue to remind you of your tragedy, making you angrier, unless you battle him with adhkaar or prayer. Make it a point that every time you get angry, you make wudu and pray two nafl until he ar-rajeem stops approaching you, bi idhnihi ta’ala.

Here and here are a few tips to control one’s anger.

Look at less unfortunate people:

The best way to cope with our tragedies is by adapting the beautiful advise of our beloved Prophet, sallallahu alihi wasalam, to look at less unfortunate people when it comes to matters of this life, and when it is about akhira then we should observe people who are more pious.

It is only for our own benefit and quick remedy to recover from our misfortunes, that we turn ourselves to the invaluable words of Prophet, sallallahu alihi wasalam.

• Visit sick people at the hospital
• Visit elderly in nursing homes
• Volunteer with disabled or terminally ill children
• Help Muslim refugees in your area and listen to their tragic stories
• Start a blog where you invite other Muslims victims to join in
• Join a scoial group or start one at the local masjid

Keeping around good company:

“The example of a good companion and a bad one is the bearer of musk and the worker on the bellows. A bearer of musk would give you some, you might buy some from him, or you might enjoy the fragrance of his musk. The worker on the bellows, on the other hand, might spoil your clothes with sparks from his bellows, or you get a bad smell from him.” (Muslim)

A good practicing Muslim friend will:

• Offer you good tips and valuable advice.
• Help you increase your patience and tawakkul
• Emotionally help you by being on your side
• Be like a mirror and will not spread rumors about you
• Help you become busy with good constructive activities
• Make you come closer to Allah, and that’s what you need in time of your adversity

Glad Tidings for the patient ones:

The concluding part of the verse that I quoted in the beginning on Allah testing us with different aspects of our lives is:

و بشرالصابرىن الدىن ادا أصابتهم مصىبة قالو إنا لله وإنا إلىه راجعون. أولاءك علىهم صلوات من ربهم ورحمة و أولاءك هم المهتدون

“and give glad tidings to the patients”

• Meaning that when Allah test His slaves, the good news of passing the test is for the patient ones.
• However, patience is at the heat of the moment, and not after complaining and loudly wailing over it, as the Prophet sallallahu alihi wasalam explained to a woman in Bukhari and Muslim.
• One Sheikh on Islam-qa, beautifully describes patience:

“Allah has made patience like a horse that never gets tired, an army that can never be defeated and a strong fortress that can never be breached…” http://islam-qa.com/en/ref/35869/patience

• Messenger of Allah, sallallahu alaihi wasalam, said: “There is no Muslim who is stricken with a calamity and says what Allah has enjoined –

إنا لله وإنا إلىه راجعون اللهم أجرنى فى مصيبتى وخلفلى خيرمنها

‘Verily to Allah we belong and unto Him is our return. O Allah, reward me for my affliction and compensate me with something better’ but Allah will compensate him with something better.”

• Read stories of Prophets, companions and pious predecessors and how they withstood trials with patience. It always helps us build patience and tawakkul.
• What more could be the incentive for a victim to be patient with her calamity than to know that Allah is with those who are patient:

“O you who believe! Seek help in patience and Salah. Truly, Allah is with the patient.” (2:153)

Qaadhi Shuraih beautifully describes his status during trials:

If I am afflicted with any affliction, I praise Allah four times: I praise Allah that the affliction was not greater than it is; I praise Him when He gives me the patience to withstand the affliction; I praise Him for guiding me to the statement, ‘We belong to Allah and to Him we are returning’; and I praise Him for not making that affliction affect my religion. (The ascription to Qaadhi Shuraih is found in Muhammad al-Dhahabi, Siyar Alaam al-Nubala, vol. 4, p. 105)

Research Sources:

• The Safe Child Book by Sherryll Kraizer, Ph.D., pub. Simon & Schuster
• No Ordinary Life by Sandy Knauer L.C.S.W., pub. Charles Thomas
• The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass & Laura Davis, pub. HarperCollins
  

A PDF version will be available on conclusion for printing/distribution

Parental Discretion Advised
If you are a parent of children who read posts on MM, then this is one that you should read yourself first, before allowing them to read it, so that you can judge the benefit/harm. One benefit is that if there is any child, who has gone through such a situation, it may open a channel for him/her to discuss it with you.

General Reader Discretion Advised
Reader discretion is advised as some content is graphic, but I felt NECESSARY to include, in order to fully understand and appreciate the grave situation.

A Note on Comments:
If comments are related to future topics, I will likely hold them back (i.e. moderate them) until we get to those topics. So, please don't worry if you see your comments missing. And also unrelated comments could be removed.

Some links, when available, will open up separate posts, unless indicated otherwise:

I. Molesters

• A. Who are the Molesters?
• B. How and When the Molesters Attack?

II. Victims and Their Struggles

• A. Approaching Their Families
• B. Emotional & Psychological Damages
• C. Personality Damages (This Post)
• D. Intimacy & Marital Relationship (This Post)

III. Prevention & Advice for the Victims' Families

• A. Prevention
• B. Some Signs of Molestation
• C. Role of Victim's Parents
• D. Rape

IV. Healing is Possible: Advice for the Victims

• Part-A
• Part-B

V. Advice for the Molesters

——————————–

Part II C/D

C. Personality Damages:

1. Extreme Personalities:
The development of extreme personalities within the victims is a very crucial point to understand. Given that there is a high percentage of victims within our Muslim Ummah, we must understand the effect it has at personal and communal levels. Not all extreme personalities are a direct result of molestation but many victims of molestation do end up developing extreme personalities, like being extreme about discipline to the level of dictatorship, or extreme about cleanliness to the level of perfection, or extreme negligence, or extreme mood swings, or extreme dependence or complete lack of dependence. Often times they either become too attached to someone or they completely cut themselves off from others, and that is why they have difficulty building healthy relationships.

Since religion is a major aspect of a Muslim’s life, when a Muslim is molested and her personality is affected, her Islamic personality is equally affected. In cases where victims suffer this disorder, they inevitably develop extremism towards religion too. I repeat that not all, or even most cases of “religious extremism” are due to molestation of course, so let this not be misunderstood.

a) Abandoning the Religion:
The victims often secretly question the decree of Allah, especially when they don’t seek out help through the right channels or when their families refuse to support them. This usually leads to extreme reactions. Shaytaan takes this as a golden opportunity to make them feel “abandoned by God,” and there always remain a possibility of them completely turning away from the Islam.

b) Religious Extremism:
On the flip side, the victims can also become extreme in their religion.

Maleeha, from Morocco, was molested by her uncle in her country. Although she now resides in U.S., she has developed an extreme personality. She has an extreme attitude towards her religion and she makes everything very harsh and difficult upon herself and others. For example, she considers matters such as walking about within her neighborhood without a mahram, haram. It seems the more difficulty she has to go through, the more satisfied she is, as if she is punishing herself. She is also very strict with her children. Instead of developing a close relationship with them, she seems quite cold and distant from them, and imposes very strict disciplinary rules around the house.

A Muslim doctor who herself was a victim in her childhood agreed with this assessment and that she, too, is guilty of having developed an extreme personality.  Her recovery through proper Islamic education has helped her control her “religious extremism” but some of her other extreme personality traits remain in her, however, walhamdullilah she continues to improve.

Yet, in some instances the victims develop personalities that fluctuate in extremes.

Shama was repeatedly raped at a young age by her cousin, who was also her neighbor.  Her mother was well aware of the situation but chose to put her head in the sand. Her cousin continuously took advantage of her whenever she was alone in the house. Although Shama is now married and has children, she is still traumatized by her childhood memories, switching between phases of extreme religiousness and complete passiveness towards her religious obligations, including abandoning the five daily prayers. When she is in her “extreme” phase of life, she is extreme about everything and not just Islam, but when she becomes passive, she is passive about everything, including ignoring her two little children.

As we will see, it is not only their normal and religious lives that are affected by the extremes in personalities, but also their marital life is equally troubled because of their severe approaches.

D. Intimacy & Marital Relationship:

This is another area where the effect of molestation does not stay limited to the victim alone, but extends heavily beyond the victim, especially when the victim is married. It is a topic rarely understood and definitely a taboo amongst Muslims. When a little girl is exposed to sexual activities in a reprehensible way and at an unsuitable age, the effects are very harmful on her perception and application of sex.

Of course, we would all pray that the victim of molestation would remain a practicing Muslim. But a practicing Muslim woman will only seek sexual activity with her husband. So when a young Muslimah is molested, even if insha'Allah her faith remains intact, the full consequences of the sexual abuse she suffered will probably first become apparent when she marries.

1. Sex Linked to Sexual Abuse:
Being introduced to sex at such a young age, and in such a guilt ridden and disgusting manner, it is only natural that these victims develop a distorted perception of sex.  Hence, when they first encounter intimacy with their husbands, they mistake sex as abuse rather than an expression of love. Given that molestation involves sexual contact, sexual body parts, and sexual stimulation, sadly, sexual abuse becomes their model for future sexual encounters.

In many cases, being intimate with their husbands brings back memories of past episodes of being molested, thus they become confused with feelings of hatred for the molester and love for the husband, for the same type of act.  The conflation of confusion and emotion drives these victims away from intimacy, and from developing strong affectionate feelings towards their husbands. Sex or sexual activities makes them insecure and puts them in negative and bitter phases of mind.

It is not easy to get over these negative emotions. People who have not experienced sexual abuse may think it should be easy and quite logical to separate the molester from the husband, but that is simply not true. When victims grow up in utter confusion, mistrust and misconceptions about sex and intimate relations, it is not so simple for them to brush it away.  The damage done to these young, innocent minds is worse because their personalities are developed with the ongoing damage, rather than facing a mishap at an older age when personality traits are more well-established (such that the positive experiences will help alleviate the negative ones better).

These intimacy problems have caused serious marital issues for the sisters I have dealt with. Imagine that the vast majority of victims never reach out to get help in Muslim countries (though this phenomenon is changing among Western Muslims). They don’t talk about the problems they face in their marriage especially concerning intimacy, because it is considered a taboo in most of our societies “back home”.  They fail to connect their fear of intimacy with the mishap of their childhood.  In addition, they are forced to work out their marriage problems on their own.  So what are the consequences?

a)    Reject sex in totality
b)    Sex becomes a repulsive “job” for them to perform in order to obey and please their husbands

a) Rejecting sex in totality:

• In this case how do the Muslim husbands react?
  Do they discuss the issue with their wives?  Perhaps, and this subject needs further research.
• Do they seek out help?
  Probably not because as I stated, it is a taboo in the Muslim world to talk about sexual matters.
• Do they send their wives home for their families to talk to them?
  In such a case, womenfolk of the family only force their daughters to become the sexual “tool” for the husbands as a “religious” obligation. They never bother to find out why the daughter is having problems to begin with.
• Do they eventually divorce their wives?
  Keeping in mind that divorce, too, is a taboo among many Muslims, the husbands could feel trapped between one taboo and the other.

Or do the husbands resort to marital rape?

Can this be one of the underlying reasons of martial rape amongst Muslims (of course this is not an excuse to condone this type of behavior)? This will be another topic of discussion in the future, inshaAllah.

Although Shama has two children she never managed to differentiate between normal sex and sexual abuse. She couldn’t discuss this issue openly with anyone, and is now facing serious marital problems. She developed hatred for her husband, because she could not differentiate between her molester and her husband. And now she has moved out to a shelter home, leaving her two children behind.

Rizwana, another woman residing in U.S. who was molested by her father in Pakistan, would hit her husband, hurt herself and call the police on her husband, and eventually ended up becoming permanently addicted to anti-depressants. Later her husband sent her back to Pakistan along with the children. Last I heard she had come back but I don’t know whether her situation has improved.

Did the husbands of these women ever try to get to the root of the problem? Can they be blamed for not seeking out advice? Can I be blamed for not advising their husbands about this issue, i.e. are the Muslim men in our society willing to take advice from a sister? These are the topics of yet another discussion.

b) Lack of sexual interest:
Depending on the type and length of the molestation, some women don’t react as severely but still develop a lack of sexual interest, because in one way or the other it reminds them of their molester. These victims don’t initiate intimacy, don’t like to be fondled, and sex is nothing more than a “duty” for them. Many of these victims never fully enjoy sexual intimacy either (i.e. reach their climax).

I have often heard many women refer to intimacy as a “task” rather than an affectionate natural desire towards their husbands. I used to think that their husbands didn’t fulfill their responsibilities properly. Now, I think that one missing piece of the puzzle could quite possibly be in these women's pasts.

Noreen, who sought help through the religion and has recovered for the most part mashaAllah, nevertheless told me that she still has not developed an interest in intimacy.  Until now, her sex-life is nothing more than a religious “obligation” towards her husband. Although she loves her husband very much and has what one would term as a “happy marriage”, it seems that she was never able to overcome her negative perception of sex.  Allah knows best, but perhaps if she had received proper help at the young age when the abuses occurred, instead of being accused of imagining the abuse by her own mother, she may have successfully separated between lovemaking and sexual abuse.

But what about the larger group of sisters who are not receiving proper help?  Do their husbands diligently search for solutions to their wives’ lack of sexual interests? Or do they find “other” avenues to spice up their sexual life?

3. Precocious (Early Development) Sexuality:
This must not be confused with precocious puberty. Precocious puberty is natural physical growth and cannot be controlled like hair growth, breast growth etc. In order to understand the precocious sexuality, I give the example of two kids; one grows up in an exposed environment watching MTV, pornographic magazines, and a lot of exposure to sexual environment vs. the other kid who grows up in a rather monitored and protected environment. The first child will most likely have a precocious sexuality compared to the later one.

Precocious sexuality, in the context of these articles, is a direct result of molestation. Some victims develop too much sexual desire as a reaction to being exposed to sex and sexual activities early and inappropriately.  It may also be a way of self-destructive behavior.

Although I only came across one sister who suffered this type of reaction, a simple Google search on victims’ behavior indicated that there are many victims who suffer this backlash.

Sarah, who grew up going to Islamic schools in U.S., was molested by her own brother, iyyadhobillah. Her mother was actively involved in the Masjid and Islamic school but perhaps she failed to keep a balance at home (which is, unfortunately, becoming quite common among parents who are actively involved in the community). Sarah went through unusual and very severe reactions in different stages of her life. Between junior high and high school, she developed too much sexual desire and totally rebelled against her family. Drugs and boys were her two ways of finding satisfaction away from her miserable situation at home. Or it could be that this was her form of destructive behavior. Drugs were her way of destroying her health and boys were her way of destroying her body and spirituality. Although now she is married and has children, I cannot say for sure that she has gotten over her problem or that she has a good intimate marital life.

To be continued…

IF YOU NEED IMMEDIATE HELP, YOU CAN ALSO REACH OUT HERE:

• See related post on Muslim Youth Helpline: 1800- 550 – MYHL (6945)

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