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Today's Episode:  Gratitude Part 1/2

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Today's Episode:  Altruism Part 2/2

Pay it forward and see how quickly you can improve the quality of your life and make the world a better place by doing random acts of kindness to strangers without expecting anything in return.

Click here to see all of Haleh's videos on MM

Haleh is now on Facebook & Twitter. Be sure to follow her!

Today's Episode:  Altruism Part 1/2

Pay it forward and see how quickly you can improve the quality of your life and make the world a better place by doing random acts of kindness to strangers without expecting anything in return.

]]> http://muslimmatters.org/2012/05/10/haleh-banani-where-psychology-meets-islam-altruism-part-1/feed/ 2 http://muslimmatters.org/2012/05/07/bullying-islam-and-everything-in-between-practical-tips/ http://muslimmatters.org/2012/05/07/bullying-islam-and-everything-in-between-practical-tips/#comments Mon, 07 May 2012 06:02:07 +0000 Sarah S. http://muslimmatters.org/?p=36365 In part one of this short series, we discussed the definition of, ways of identifying, and the effects of bullying.  Here, we will move on to practical tips and possible solutions to assist our children and ourselves in coping with this vice.

 Helping the Oppressor (Bully):

The Prophet Muhammad taught us the importance of offering assistance to both those who are being oppressed and those who are the oppressors by ending the cycle of abuse.  In the case of both the victims and the bullies, it is important to acknowledge that anger is a natural emotion and to help the oppressor to use healthy ways to express this anger.

We often worry what we will do if our child is being bullied, but what if  it is our child who is the one doing the bullying?  Here are some ways in which you can help:

1. Empower your child inside the home by giving him/her choices (i.e. “What do you want for dinner tonight?”  “Let's plan the annual family trip together.”).  When a child feels empowered by the adults in her life, she won't seek to overpower her peers through bullying and intimidation.
2. Get more involved in your child's life and show genuine interest in what your child does and says.  This makes a child feel important and less likely to seek attention through aggressive means.
3. Firm limits are imperative for objectionable behaviors; ensure that you are consistent in enforcing consequences for misbehavior.  For example, if your child hits his brother often, set a limit: “If you choose to hit your brother, you choose not to play with the PlayStation over the weekend.  If you choose to play nicely with you brother, you choose to play with the PlayStation over the weekend.”  By phrasing the limit in this way, your child understands that he is in control of his actions and, therefore, the consequences.
4. Be sure to act as a positive role model for your child.  If your child overhears you    gossiping about a friend over the phone, she  may take this as a green light to start cruel rumors about others in her class at school.  If you physically punish your child for misbehavior, he may view physical harshness as the way to show his power over his classmates.
5. Teach your children how to express their emotions in non-physical and healthy ways; allow yourself to be a nonjudgmental, understanding presence in whom they can always confide.  Encourage open communication to discuss emotions asking questions like, “Was there a time that you felt angry/ jealous/ competitive/ mean/ frustrated/etc.?”  Help your child to own up to her feelings rather than bottling them up inside and suppressing them; emotions will come out one way or another so we need to try our best to equip our children with healthy methods of self-expression.

Helping the Oppressed (Victim of Bullying):

And now some tips on what to do when it is your child who is the victim of bullying:

1. The best thing, by far, that you can do for a child who is being bullied is to be an active listener.  It is amazing how healing a listening ear can be.  Each day, ask how school went, hold your child when she cries, and talk things out.  This might not seem like much but it is vital to the healing process.

2. Allow your home to be a refuge and a sanctuary for your children.  Make it a place where they can be filled with love, support and have a feeling of self-worth.

3. Talk to siblings about what they can do to help.  Your children might not know what to anticipate in their classrooms from day-to-day but they should be able to expect peace and calmness when they enter your home.  Having a stable foundation to return to on a daily basis can mean the difference between a child being able to handle a bully versus feeling completely unequipped.

4. Be sure to have a family dinner at least once a week; they provide an excellent time to talk together and encourage dialogue.  I remember my mother insisting that everyone eat at the kitchen table every single day at 6 pm.  It made such a huge difference to know that I would have a venue to express myself each day.
5. Pay close attention to the way you react in front of your child when he speaks to you about being bullied.  If you begin to weep uncontrollably, you have reversed roles and instead of comforting your child, you are the one who needs to be taken care of.  This may even stop your child from confiding in you since he may worry that it is too overwhelming for you to bear.  Simply respond in a loving way but don't make your child's battle into your battle; allow your child a sense of autonomy and empowerment by helping her to find ways to deal with it on her own.  Here, role playing exercises can be very helpful.  Engage with your child by pretending to be the bully and brainstorming responses together.

Find out who is bullying your child, how long this has been going on, how the bullying manifests itself and whether the teacher knows this is happening.  Come up with a plan with your child including strategies she can use.

• Move seat or switch classes, you may even go as far as switching schools.  This might seem extreme but your child's psychological and emotional health, as well as self-esteem is on the line.
• Stay with a friend or group of friends during recess, at the bus stop, in the cafeteria or wherever bullying is apt to happen.
• Bullying is no longer limited to face-to-face interactions.  If cyber bullying is occurring, get off of Facebook and other social networks or at least block the people who are bullying her.
• Come up with a safety plan for your child.  A good one can be found here.

Enduring bullying is an incredibly humiliating experience for a child.  She may be afraid that you will be disappointed, that you won't understand her experiences, that you might worry too much, or even that you might side with the bully.  It is imperative to show your child that you are nonjudgmental and to allow him/her to come to you with anything that happens at school.  Ask questions that can lead your child to open up.  Introducing these questions in the third person makes them less personal and may allow your child to feel better equipped to discuss them.

• When a boy wants to be mean, what does he do?
• When a girl wants to be mean, what does she do?
• Does the teacher notice?  What does she do?
• Do people ever start rumors?
• Can friends be mean to each other?  How?

Bullying can have a devastating effect on a child's self-esteem, social skills and ability to trust others.  Here are some ways to counteract this negativity:

• Encourage your child to join groups/clubs/teams inside and outside of school.  Make sure that these are places where contributions are valued and where other members are disconnected from the bullying she experiences in the classroom.  Get your child a membership at a local YMCA, bring her to masjid activities, help her choose a hobby and connect with others with the same interest.  This will give your child a support system and help her to understand that the bullying has nothing to do with her since she will see that others accept her just as she is.

• Get therapy for your child if you notice she is becoming overwhelmed with what is happening.  This can be an excellent measure to prevent the issues from escalating into depression or an anxiety disorder.

• Speak to the school counselor or teacher after consulting with your child.  Please make sure that this is a step that she wants to take.  Be sure to stay calm when discussing the situation with them; it means a lot to your child to see that you are being a strong, firm advocate for them and that you are not overwhelmed.

A United Methodist pastor in rural Tennessee, named Brad Smith, said something beautiful: “God of all people, all shapes and all sizes, all races and all nationalities, all orientations and identities, and all abilities, I pray for all those who will struggle this year as victims of bullying. I pray for those who will be teased relentlessly verbally and online. I pray for those who will be physically assaulted because they are different. I pray for those who have to change in the locker room. I pray for those who think they are alone. They are not. I pray for those who think hope is gone. It is not. I pray for those who think suicide is the only escape. It gets better. I pray for the parents of the bullied who feel helpless to protect their child. God help them. Strengthen them. Show them your love. Let them feel your hope.  Not only this, but I also pray for those who engage in bullying. I pray for those whose self-worth and self-esteem seems tied to making others hurt. I pray for the parents of bullies who ignore the signs and think their child could never do this. I pray for the teachers who stand up for kids and for the teachers who ignore the problem. I pray for those who think this is just a rite of passage. It is not. I pray that not one child this year decides that suicide is the answer. I pray for those who succumbed to hopelessness. I pray that we can all learn from the mistakes and tragedies of the past and that we can protect our children and let every child know they are of great worth.”

Ameen.

Now, as I raise my own children, I have completely abandoned any foul words, even slightly impolite, like stupid, idiot, 'what the hell', 'I don't care', freakin', flippin', 'I hate you', etc. And I have enforced the same values on them. For a very long time, they thought the S-word was stupid and the F-word meant funky; they were corrected at a masjid in the US.

It was easier to enforce this standard of language when they were homeschooled. However, as they have stepped into the “real” world, i.e. started school, and extended their circle of friends, they are becoming accustomed to hearing many of these words. Unfortunately, using swear words is very common at schools, and “slightly impolite” words are considered normal among Muslim and non-Muslim kids equally.

Back in my high school, I once had a discussion with a class fellow on the ineffectiveness of profanity. He believed profanity had to be used to emphasize a point. I remember him asking, “How will you describe a gorgeous looking girl without saying, 'she is so f****** beautiful'?” While I didn't see any reason why profanity had to be used to accentuate a point, he sincerely couldn't understand otherwise. As much as I would like to think that this was the mindset of someone who didn't know the importance of good words, Muslims have not shown any better conduct.

Regrettably, like many other issues, language has also taken a downfall in the past decade. Profanity has become so ordinary that mean words don't even sound foul anymore. Alḥamdulillāh, my children do not use any cuss words, but I wonder how long someone could refrain from using words they hear 5 to 6 hours a day, every day. It is becoming harder to find them friends, Eastern or Western, who don't habitually swear, forget the “slightly impolite” words. Children even swear at each other's parents. If someone refrains from cursing back, he/she is considered a “wuss”. My standard of clean language is starting to appear a bit utopian!

Islam urges us to use pleasant speech and decent words. Selection of words distinguishes a human being and is a means to achieve Paradise or Hellfire. Countless aḥadīth emphasize the necessity of safeguarding one's tongue, and a number of verses mention the virtues of using good words. Allah 'azza wa jall compares good words to a virtuous tree:

أَلَمْ تَرَ كَيْفَ ضَرَبَ اللَّهُ مَثَلًا كَلِمَةً طَيِّبَةً كَشَجَرَةٍ طَيِّبَةٍ أَصْلُهَا ثَابِتٌ وَفَرْعُهَا فِي السَّمَاءِ تُؤْتِي أُكُلَهَا كُلَّ حِينٍ بِإِذْنِ  رَبِّهَا

“Have you not considered how Allah presents an example, a good word like a good tree, whose root is firmly fixed and its branches in the sky? It produces its fruit all the time, by permission of its Lord.” (14:24-25)

He 'azza wa jall has ordered the believers to say:

وَقُولُوا لِلنَّاسِ حُسْنًا  “And speak to people good [words].” (2:83)

وَقُولُوا لَهُمْ قَوْلًا مَّعْرُوفًا   “And speak to them words of appropriate kindness.” (4:5)

And Allah 'azza wa jall informed us:

إِلَيْهِ يَصْعَدُ الْكَلِمُ الطَّيِّبُ
“Whoever desires honor – then to Allah belongs all honor. To Him ascends good speech, and righteous work raises it.” (35:10)

While our religion holds good, pure language in high esteem, our youth (and adults) have succumbed to the use of profanity. It is heart-breaking to see even the good children use:

• vulgar jokes
• profanity to emphasize a point
• swear at others
• insult friends as a sign of “friendship”
• use words that contain a demeaning/disparaging tone as a normal way of communication

Allah 'azza wa jall commands us:

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا اتَّقُوا اللَّهَ وَقُولُوا قَوْلًا سَدِيدًا
“O you who have believed, fear Allah and speak words of appropriate justice.” (33:70)

قَوْلًا سَدِيدًا  is defined as:

قَوْلً: This is the speech that is released from a person's mouth and reflects his inner self.
سَدِيدًا: indicates shooting an arrow that hits the target without even slightly deviating, i.e. it leaves the bow and goes straight to the target.

Concurrently, it means a word/statement that is said without adding anything useless to it. In other words, a speech conveyed in the most cleanly and pure form. It has also been explained as:

“Together it consists of obligatory statements, righteous and beneficial statements, like salutation with salaam, and good words that brings about happiness in the hearts of the believers, and improvement among people.”[i]

What possible benefit, blessings or goodness can using words like damn, flippin', freakin', or other insulting words bring in a believer's life?

Aim for the Stars

We must keep in mind that often we achieve less than what we had originally aimed to achieve. If we only aim for keeping our children from using swear words, the chances are our results will slouch at some point, and they may actually end up using profanity. However, if we try to aim high, and keep away from any insulting words or words that have no beneficial meaning, then even if we achieve less than our goal, inshaAllah they will still be safe from using profanity. And if we achieve our goal then alhamdullilah we definitely, with Allah's help, have raised our children to a higher moral standard and kept them from اللغو.

اللغو: generally means any word/speech that is purposeless, does not bring about any benefit and is considered ill-speech.[ii]

Allah 'azza wa jall told us that the people of Jannah will be safe from اللغو:

ا يَسْمَعُونَ فِيهَا لَغْوًا
“They will not hear therein ill speech…” (56:25)

Most importantly, Allah 'azza wa jall described those believers who are successful as:

وَالَّذِينَ هُمْ عَنِ اللَّغْوِ مُعْرِضُونَ
 “And they who turn away from ill speech.” (23:3)

Benefits of Pleasant Speech & Good Words

I now conclude with the last part of the verse from Sūrat'l-Aḥzāb. Though Allah commands us to say قَوْلًا سَدِيدًا, He gives us an incentive:

يُصْلِحْ لَكُمْ أَعْمَالَكُمْ وَيَغْفِرْ لَكُمْ ذُنُوبَكُمْ
“He will [then] amend for you your deeds and forgive you your sins.”

The result of using righteous words and pleasant speech leads towards Allah's forgiveness. Allah 'azza wa jall improves and corrects one's action and replaces the bad deeds and forgives one's sins. This is the reward of those who are mindful of their speech and selective of their words so much so that using insults towards others doesn't suit their personality anymore.

Would we not want our children's actions to be corrected? What wouldn't we give up to get their sins forgiven by Ar- Raḥmān? What wouldn't we do to have Allah Himself, 'azza wa jall, monitor their actions?

Knowing the blessings and excellence of clean language should only makes us more fervent to instill the habit of using good words and eliminating any foul/insulting words from their daily language. Hence, I urge parents to carefully monitor the selection of their children's words and their own words at home.

May Allah 'azza wa jall give us and our children tawfīq to use قَوْلًا سَدِيدًا.

[i] http://www.islamweb.net/media/index.php?page=article&lang=A&id=148349

[ii] http://www.dralsherif.net/Fatwa.aspx?SectionID=4&RefID=1212

Every so often, someone will send a nasty email, or write a mean comment, or tell someone that they don't like us and we start falling apart. We dwell on the 'why did he say that', and 'how could she do that', and 'why me'. We start questioning ourselves. The result can be mild for some people and debilitating for others.

Very early in my career, I worked in sales and marketing for an internet giant. I hated cold calling: telephoning unsuspecting, potential clients. Even though they were strangers, their rejection would paralyze me. I would take it so personally. Ask me to pick up the phone to call, and my heart would pound; I would hang up for the fear of rejection.

Rejection Sensitivity 

There is even a psychological term for it: rejection sensitivity. I was very sensitive to rejection, to the extent that I would change myself so people would be happy with me.

A study published in the journal Psychological Science reported that social rejection actually affects the heart. When subjects were told that others didn't like them, their heart rates plummeted,  “In other words, the body seems to carry programming which influences it to try to fit in with the herd, and when that isn't happening, the body goes into shock mode.

Many of us are needy for  the approval of others. It is like there is a void inside us that we try to fill with admiration  from others. It cripples us when we don't please everyone around. For example, we are liked by most people and disliked by one or two. But we let those one or two people  have the biggest impact on our emotional state. We start believing that if one person does not approve of us, everyone will feel the same way.

Cognitive Distortions: Magnifying & Minimizing

Why do we do this? It is because we want everyone to love us, or at least like us. This is unhealthy and unrealistic. No one is liked universally, not even God.  (Allāh could if He wanted to but He has let humans have free will.)

We do whatever it takes to gain everyone's approval, and despite the 100 “great job's” we receive, nothing compares to the hurt we feel from the one “you suck”. Psychologists call it cognitive distortion, when we set up mental filters or magnify criticisms and minimize compliments. We magnify our faults and minimize our virtues. This is something we must do in our relationship with God, but not in our relationship with people.

The practical reality is that we live in a world full of people whose behaviors, feelings, opinions, and words are influenced by ego, attitudes, fear, greed, insecurity, social-programming, and Shayṭān. And although we want everyone to like us, there will always be people who will find faults in us.

The Need for Approval and Control

“It's almost an addiction that makes them feel like they need to be needed,” says social psychologist and author Susan Newman, “this makes them feel important and like they're contributing to someone else's life.”

Facebook and blogging doesn't help – we start needing the constant positive feedback.

I have learned that focusing on the negative can also be due to our need for perfection — to be in control. But I can't be in control of other people and the way they think– not my friends, in-laws, spouse, co-workers, and especially not complete strangers. The only control I have is over my own thinking. If I believe that the criticism is valid it will upset me.

And in an effort to be noticed and included, I think I tried hard to please people.

Sometimes it is the desperate child inside us, still wanting our parents' and friends' approval. We are still remnants of a taunted former fat kid, a geek with bottle top glasses teased incessantly, the weird ḥijābi isolated in her teenage angst, or the pimply nerd ditched in every team game.

We have nursed the hurt, fed it with our insecurities, worn ourselves out trying to please everyone around us, so we are not that reject anymore.  We edit ourselves, our words, our habits, and our boundaries in the hopes that one day we will be the popular kid who everyone likes.

Nice Guys Finish Last: Dealing with Criticisms

Why do some people not like us despite our best efforts to please them? I think this is because different people have different priorities and intentions. When we do not match up to the ideal inside another person's mind, they think less of us.

Disparagement also amplifies the power of the giver, by making the recipient feel diminished in some way, not empowered. Anger is a common tool used to manipulate others. If I am fearful of an outcome, then I have given others control over me. If my only fear is whether Allāh is angry with me, then I will stop caring about the others.

Shaykh Ahmad Zurraq says that one of the foundations of the spiritual path is indifference to whether others accept or reject you. The only one you have to spend 24 hours, 7 days a week with for the rest of your life is yourself and God. So you need to like yourself and live by a set of values that please the Creator.

Riyā': A disease of the Heart

Part of this is understanding that there may be an inclination in our hearts towards loving the ephemeral aspects of the world.

From a Prophetic tradition, related by Imam Bayhaqi, we learn, “When a believer hears somebody praising him, his faith (īmān) increases,” — not his or her pride or self-esteem.

Scholars say that it is part of human nature to enjoy the good things one does and, in turn, be pleased when others recognize them. But if we are falling into an emotional abyss because someone is not recognizing the good we do, we should check the condition of our hearts. There could be sparks of ostentation-ness (riyā') in us as the “essence of ostentation-ness is being preoccupied with people” (1).  We should also check our niyyah (intentions).  I think many times it hurts so much because our intention was earning the pleasure of other people and not God.

How can you become less preoccupied by what other people think and more worried about what Allāh thinks?

1. Ask yourself why? If you ever find yourself becoming an emotional wreck because of negativity around you, ask yourself why. Why am I focusing on the negativity? Why am I ignoring the good while finding the bad? Only your thoughts can upset you. Stop thinking about it. A criticism may be right or wrong. If it is wrong then it is the other person's fault. They are not perfect and have made a mistake. If the criticism is right,  it still should not be upsetting. Instead, use it as a tool to better yourself.

2. If rejection can happen to him it can happen to you. Reflect on this noble Prophetic supplication that he made after he was brutally rejected in Taif: “Oh Allāh if you are not angry with me than I do not care what you do with me.”

3. Try to remember the last time you got upset at someone and said something that you may have not meant, or something that you exaggerated. Did your saying that make the person totally worthless? No, of course not. So why would them saying something negative to you make you totally worthless? When you are so hurt because someone doesn't like you, you are making them perfect judges. Only Allāh is the perfect Judge, do not give them a power that doesn't belong to them.

4. Use a counseling technique:

• Listen to your internal voice. Write down the thoughts as you hear them in your head.  Are you using negative language?
• Categorize which cognitive distortion each thought is under. You will start seeing patterns.
• Counter your negative self-talk, ask yourself: What is the evidence for this? Is this ALWAYS true? Has this been true in the past? Write down some alternative statements. 
• Say these constructive statements out loud. Do this every time.

5. Question your past: If you have internalized a negative event in your life, focus on the event — ask yourself, are you generally a good person? Do people usually like you? Does it really matter what a handful of people think or thought about you?

6. Learn the Lesson: If there are people in your life who do not like you, think about why they are in your life. They may have a real lesson for you to learn. But then let it go. Concentrate on yourself, work on liking you. Is there a trait of yours you do not like? Change that. Meditate. Pray.

7. Concentrate on the benefit that your existence has on this Earth.

8. Don't fear being alone because you are never alone -- Allāh is your companion and friend in this world. It will give you sakinah, peace, knowing that there is always someone who will be waiting for you to come back to Him.

9. Build a support system around you -- people who are honest with you and let you say what you need to say. Focus on the amazing, incredible, positive people who encourage, support and love you no matter what.

10. Ask yourself if this is suma, the need to seek reputation. This is a disease of the heart.

11. Don't let the Drama Queen/King out: We only have so much energy and this is such a poor investment of our emotions. You will be exhausted trying to get everyone to like you. I know I go through this too. It is the drama queen (king) in us – we have tried to overcome her (him) through deen but s/he sneaks up on us from time to time.  Don't let her (him). S/he wants to make a big deal of something small, obsessing about the trivial. Remember feelings are just that, feelings, and they change. You will not feel the same way the next day.

Our energy is also an amānah from Allāh. So let go of the negativity. Tell yourself that this is not the best use of your energy.  It doesn't help you in any way. Imam al-Shafi' says that, “There is nobody except that he has someone who loves him and someone who hates him. So if that's the case, let a person be with the people who are obedient to Allāh 'azza wa jall!' (as they love and hate for the sake of Allāh and they are not unjust).”

1)      Purification of the Heart- Shaykh Hamza Yusuf
2)      Feeling Good Handbook – Dr. Burns
3)      Feeling Good- the New Mood Therapy- Dr. Burns
4)     (Hilyat al-Awliya 9/124)

Click here to see all of Haleh's videos on MM

Haleh is now on Facebook & Twitter. Be sure to follow her!

Today's Episode:  Giving Advice Part 2/2

Learn critical methodology in giving advice such as: building rapport, asking questions, taking your time and making du'ā'.

Click here to see all of Haleh's videos on MM

Haleh is now on Facebook & Twitter. Be sure to follow her!

Today's Episode:  Giving Advice Part 1/2

Learn critical methodology in giving advice such as: building rapport, asking questions, taking your time and making du'ā'.

Click here to view the embedded video.