Click here to see all of Haleh's videos on MM

Haleh is now on Facebook & Twitter. Be sure to follow her!

Today's Episode:  Giving Advice Part 2/2

Learn critical methodology in giving advice such as: building rapport, asking questions, taking your time and making du'ā'.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to see all of Haleh's videos on MM

Haleh is now on Facebook & Twitter. Be sure to follow her!

Today's Episode:  Giving Advice Part 1/2

Learn critical methodology in giving advice such as: building rapport, asking questions, taking your time and making du'ā'.

Click here to view the embedded video.

When the doorbell rang a few weeks ago I sent my 3-year-old daughter and autistic 5-year-old son running after their father to open it.  We were expecting their aunt, and what we saw instead was our next-door neighbor Bonnie, covered in blood and crying hysterically. Within seconds my daughter was screaming, my son panicking, and my husband staring, aghast, at a woman my own age whom we had seen just an hour before, looking a little shaken but definitely not pouring blood.

“Call 911!” my husband yelled into the house. I yelled for my son's caregiver, Joy, and our housekeeper, Cindy, to take the children into house.  They both jumped in surprise, because this is a house where people don't yell.

“Get the kids inside the house now! NOW! NOW!”

“Now?!” Joy and Cindy both echoed back, alarmed.

“NOW!” I yelled, as I ran to the kitchen and grabbed plastic wrap and kitchen shears. I snatched up the phone, dialed 999 and was grateful to Allāh that I had the presence of mind to dial the UAE emergency number rather than the US one.  “My neighbor is at the door bleeding,” I told the man on the phone, “I don't know what has happened but she's at the door and she's bleeding.”

I passed my daughter in the hallway, tucked under the housekeeper's arm and still screaming in terror as she was rushed in the opposite direction.  My son was whisked past me a second later by his caretaker, and I could hear the kids crying muffled as they were closed and locked behind the playroom door.

My husband was still standing at the open gate, trying to ask Bonnie what happened.  People from the street had gathered around staring at the two of them.  I was unsuccessfully trying to give the operator our address.  The street and house numbers just wouldn't come out right, no matter how many times I tried to say them.  “Bring her inside!  Bring her here!” I said to my husband, holding the phone out to him.  My husband ushered Bonnie inside the gate, took the phone and gave the police the right address.  I sat Bonnie down next to me on the front steps and pulled off a length of plastic wrap.  Then I wrapped it around Bonnie's right wrist and tied it tightly.  I did the same to her left wrist.  I didn't know if I was tying her hands in the right place because I couldn't tell where she had been cut, but one thing was very clear – she had been cut before.  Just a few inches below the plastic wrap tourniquets, where my left and right hands were pressing her left and right wrists to try to make the bleeding stop, were the marks of several other cuts still relatively fresh and glued with strips of hospital-grade tape.

“I'm so sorry. I'm so so so sorry,” she sobbed, pressing her face against my arm.

“You don't have anything to be sorry for, it's alright.  That's a nice tattoo,” my husband said conversationally, trying to engage Bonnie.  A man's name was written across her left arm, the last two letters smeared with blood and hidden under my left hand.

“My brother, he died. My brother died…” she broke off and began sobbing with renewed misery.

I looked up at my husband and saw the gate still standing open.  Bonnie was crying and rubbing her blood-covered face onto my now blood-covered arms.  A man from up the street was standing just a few feet away, and I was without my ḥijāb or abayah.  “Can you close the gate please?” I asked. My husband turned around angrily and pushed the people back.  “Stop staring at my wife!”  He closed the gate.

The first ambulance arrived within minutes, and my husband rushed to bring me a shawl.  He threw it over me just as the paramedics entered, covering me as well as I could be covered considering that I was still holding tightly to Bonnie's wrists and she was still crying and pressing her face onto my arm.  The paramedics took her left hand from me and began to bandage it.  Then they took her right hand from me and Bonnie panicked- “Don't leave me! Please don't leave me! Don't go!”

“I'm just going to put on some clothes,” I tried to reassure her.  ” I'll be back in a minute, I promise.”

Cindy, our housekeeper, met me inside the living room and trailed me to the bathroom as I walked elbows up, trying not to trail blood on the floor.  It was warm and sticky, and I remember thinking how unusual it was that it didn't flow as much as it thickly dripped.  She took the bloody shawl from me, turned on the tap, and poured copious amounts of anti-bacterial soap onto my hands.  “The kids ok?” I asked as I scrubbed my arms.

“They're calm now.  There's blood on your nose.”  I nodded and she poured more soap onto my hands so I could wash my face.  I took off the apron I had been wearing – I was cooking dinner when the bell rang – and asked her to wash that and the shawl immediately.  I went to my room, threw on an abayah and a scarf and went outside again.

Bonnie's father had arrived.  My husband seems to have amazing presence of mind in emergencies, though I have no idea when he managed to make that call.  Bonnie's father was strangely quiet, distant even, and then I realized he was in shock, not physically but emotionally.  The paramedic told him to hold Bonnie's arm up to help stop the bleeding.  He absentmindedly took it and a few seconds later he simply dropped it.

“Bonnie's arm, “my husband said to him, “You need to hold up her arm.”

“Oh.” He picked it up again, though he didn't seem to know what to do with it.  Bonnie's head began to slump.  I took it in my hands and tilted her face upwards.  “She's not breathing,” her father said quietly, politely even. “You guys, I think she's not breathing?”

One of the paramedics whipped out an oxygen mask and put it over her mouth and nose.  I pulled the elastic over the back of her head.  Bonnie began gasping, then retching, and the paramedic took the mask off immediately while Bonnie dry-heaved into her lap.

The gate opened again and my sister- the aunt we had been expecting earlier- walked in looking alarmed.  “What's going on?”  Three new paramedics followed behind her.

“Our neighbor cut herself.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

“The kids are in the playroom, they may be a little traumatized.  Can you see how they're doing?”  She nodded and went into the house.

Eventually Bonnie was put onto a stretcher and into the back of the ambulance.  Her mother arrived by taxi, crying, smoking, and shaking so hard she couldn't sort through her purse to locate a form of ID to give to the police.  My husband paid the expectant-looking taxi driver, who had been standing, forgotten, up the street behind the emergency vehicles that were blocking the road.

Then the ambulance took Bonnie and her father away.  Bonnie's mother needed to follow in the father's car, but she couldn't find any keys.  She asked me to follow her into the house to look for a pair, so we walked next door, following the trail of blood from my gate to hers.  She reached her own front steps, gasped, covered her eyes and turned away.  There was a trail of blood- much more than the one leading into my house and neatly pooled at my front steps- it made its way out of the open front door, splashed across the steps and stained the floor tiles all the way out to the gate.

My husband, who had followed behind us, picked up the garden hose to wash the front steps, but before he could turn it on, the mother lost her composure.  She threw herself onto his shoulder and cried, and I know she was saying something but I don't think either my husband or I could make it out.   He passed her gently to me, just as the police were entering.  “Don't wash it,” they said.  “Don't touch anything, please.”

“My friend is coming,” the mother gasped when she could speak again, “Maria is coming and she'll help me find the keys.  She'll find the keys for me.  I need a drink, I need a coke, you know I don't drink any alcohol but my throat it's just so- please, I need a drink.”  I took the mother into our house instead, which was much less bloodied, and sat her down on the same front steps.  I brought her a drink and a box of tissues.  She lit another cigarette, took a few sips of her drink and then walked out of the gate again.  She couldn't sit still or stop talking.  Everything about her was shaky and flustered with non-stop talking.

I followed her outside where she stood next to the police officers.  My husband was there as well, trying to explain how a blood-covered woman ended up in our front yard and how we could have no idea what had happened.  “You see,” the mother explained nervously, ”She's been like this since my son…her big brother, he died…” and she lost it again, tears rolling down her face and her cigarette dangling from her fingers in front of her face as she shook and cried.

“When did that happen?” my husband asked gently.

“Two years,” she choked, “It's been two years and she pretends she's ok, but we all know it hurt her so badly.”  The mother reached up and fiddled with the cross around her neck.  The police officers looked at one another and nodded.  We all knew what had just happened to Bonnie, or rather, what Bonnie had just tried to do to herself, but no one was saying it.

I went back inside the house and washed up and changed my clothes again.  We fed the children dinner and put them to bed.  My husband, sister and I each prayed Maghrib ṣalāh, and eventually Bonnie's mother returned and took us up on our offer to drive her to the hospital in case she couldn't find the car keys.  It turns out the father had taken them with him to the hospital.  My husband had a few standing bites of dinner and then left to drive the mother to the hospital.  My sister stayed for dinner, and outside of the house the water evaporated off of the sun-baked cement tiles where our housekeeper had tried to wash away the blood.

And this is the part of the story that has not yet happened – Bonnie has not yet called me back, following the surgery she had on her hands the next day to repair the tendons that had been severed.  Her father did make a brief phone call to my husband to thank us, but we have not talked about it or brought up what was, in essence, Bonnie's failed suicide attempt.

The blood outside hasn't faded yet either.  I've been hoping that the Dubai sun will bleach the stains from in front of the gate, but they persist despite the 100+ degree heat every day.  Apparently, Bonnie first went to another neighbor's house, and they would not let her in.  When she came to our house next and leaned on the doorbell, other neighbors told my husband not to let her in when he came to answer the door.  Why? Because the police would ask us questions.

We see the neighbor's lights on in the evening, and we know they're home, but they haven't invited us back in.  We wave to each other every few days – I often see Bonnie's father driving home just as I am leaving, or her mother taking out the trash when I bring my son back home from school.  I ask how Bonnie is doing and they smile and say “Fine!” and we wave and go our separate ways.  And that's the really sad part- separate ways.  Without īmān, the sudden death of a beloved brother was enough to ruin Bonnie's life two years after the incident.  She doesn't work, she stays home and paints and smokes, and in the evenings we can smell the smoke wafting over the garden wall that divides her house from ours.   I wish I could go back and reassure her somehow, but without belief in the ākhirah, in Allāh's Mercy, or in the good in all things – even death – what do I have to work with?

We take Islam for granted, this I am sure of, because my husband and I, on learning why Bonnie had tried to kill herself both privately thought, “What, just because her brother died?”   To Muslims, death is a transition, not a tragedy.  The greatest loss is not of life but of īmān. The shahīd can die with faith and we are jealous of them, but a person could live without it for a hundred years in luxury and we would pity them.

I don't mean to belittle the kind of pain that Bonnie must be in, or to make light of a grief so strong that two years later it overshadows her life.  I understand that without a complete picture of human existence – one that includes resurrection, accountability, and life after death – the end of human life is a tragedy of such magnitude and frequency that perhaps one would want to just get it over with and kill ourselves now, or just get over it because everyone dies and there's no point.  Without faith, our options are depression, desensitization, or delusion.  Bonnie chose the first one.

So half of this story hasn't happened, and I really wish it would.  That would be the part where Bonnie calls, or just walks over (following the rust-colored stains) to our gate and rings the bell to have a chat.  It would involve me trying to share the salām, the peace that Islam brings us when we submit to Allāh and trust in His Will, even when it hurts.  It has only been a few weeks since she first walked over, bleeding and crying; maybe she's just working up the courage.  Maybe she's just waiting for her hands to heal.  In any case, please make du'ā' for Bonnie and her family, that their sorrow be the catalyst for seeking solace, and that solace be Islam.  āmīn.

By:  Haleh Banani, MA Clinical Psychology

As Huda slowly gained consciousness on the floor, she became aware of her surroundings. She felt the cold tile beneath her and the taste of blood in her mouth.  The thundering sound of her husband, yelling and cursing at her, became disturbingly clear and his menacing image slowly came into focus.  Fear filled her heart that he may strike again. Her trembling body felt so weak, helpless and vulnerable.  He ruthlessly kicked her in her gut one last, fatal blow.  Huda was pronounced dead later that evening along with her baby girl who had survived 6 months of brutality in the womb.

There are millions of desperate women like Huda who live their life in constant terror, feeling trapped and unworthy of love.   Many of them suffer silently, too immobilized by fear and too consumed with shame to expose their husbands.

Domestic violence transcends socioeconomic status, affecting all levels of income, education, ethnicity, religion and occupation. This tragedy poisons our societies worldwide. The first simple and necessary step is awareness.

Shocking Statistics:

• 2,000 to 4,000 women are beaten to DEATH annually in the U.S.
• According to the Center for Disease over 300,000 PREGNANT WOMEN report suffering abuse during pregnancy.¹
• Every day, at least three  women are killed in the U.S. by their partners.²
• Nearly 6 million women will be battered in any single year.
• Battery is the SINGLE MAJOR CAUSE of injury to women exceeding street rape, muggings or auto accidents.
• In the U.S., a woman's chance of being assaulted at home by her partner is greater than those of a police officer being assaulted on the job.

Domestic violence affects the psychological and emotional well being of a woman the way a tsunami brings colossal destruction and unparalleled devastation to a metropolitan city. The unpredictability and dangerous nature of men who abuse their wives creates terror, anxiety and depression in women, the way a storm indiscriminately destroys  without warning; leaving  inhabitants in a state of shock and constant fear.  The deep, emotional scars last much longer than the superficial bruises and broken bones that usually demand our attention and provoke our sympathy. The emotional debris will take years to completely be cleared causing emotional bankruptcy and  vulnerability which can lead to suicide.  The ferocious waves of violence cause a series of long lasting, psychological damages:

Depression
Domestic violence floods women with feelings of sadness, hopelessness and despair which generally lead to depression. 60% of battered women reported having depression which is the most common symptom of domestic violence.³  Depression is a mood disorder in which feelings of sadness, loss, anger, or frustration interfere with everyday life for weeks or longer.  Sadness affects every aspect of life: thoughts, feelings, sleeping, eating, physical health, relationships and the ability to function at work.  When victims experience interpersonal violence from a spouse or family member, they are at high risk for mental and emotional illnesses. There is a strong feeling of abandonment, betrayal and instability when they are abused by someone who should be protecting and nurturing them.

Although it is natural to feel sad when faced with difficult tests, as a believer it is critical to understand that there is wisdom in everything that happens.  Understanding and accepting divine destiny does not mean tolerating abuse by any means.  It simply means that life is filled with tests and that trust needs to be placed in Allāh while searching for the right solutions.

It was narrated by Suhayb that the Messenger of Allāh (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) said: “How amazing is the condition of the believer, for all his affairs are good. If something good happens to him, he gives thanks for it and he is rewarded; if something bad happens to him, he bears it with patience, and he is also awarded.”  Narrated by Muslim (2999).

Do not despair of solace from Allāh.  No one despairs of solace from Allāh except for people who do not believe.  (Surah Yusuf 87)

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
After the devastation of domestic violence, most women experience the aftershock of abuse: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). PTSD is a type of anxiety disorder which can occur after you've seen or experienced a traumatic event that involved the threat of injury or death. It is very common for victims of domestic violence to continue to fear their spouse even if they have separated.  PTSD is characterized by symptoms such as flashbacks, intrusive imagery, nightmares, anxiety, emotional numbing, insomnia, hyper-vigilance and avoidance of traumatic triggers.  There are many factors that affect the intensity of PTSD:  severity of the violence, the duration of exposure, early-age onset and the victim's cognitive assessment of the violence (perceived degree of threat, predictability and control-ability).

The way to cope with any form of anxiety is turning to Allāh and trusting His plan while striving hard to overcome the fear.

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) said: “No exhaustion, pain, anxiety, grief, harm or distress befalls a Muslim, not even a thorn that pricks him, but Allāh will expiate some of his sins with them.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (5318) and Muslim (2573).

Anxiety
Fear and anxiety consume a victim of domestic violence the way a tidal wave engulfs a city.  The fear lingers in a woman's psyche long after the abuse has taken place.  This anxiety can prevent her from concentrating, falling asleep and performing at home or work.  Paranoia and inability to trust others are the most frequent traits of the victims of domestic violence.  25 million Americans suffer from anxiety disorders which are the most common of emotional disorders. Some of the symptoms may include:

• Overwhelming feelings of panic and fear
• Uncontrollable obsessive thoughts
• Painful, intrusive memories
• Recurring nightmares
• Physical symptoms such as feeling sick to your stomach, “butterflies” in your stomach, heart pounding, startling easily and muscle tension

The most beloved people, the prophets, were tested the most.  It is essential to keep the stories of the prophets in mind and recall that instead of feeling anxious when faced with threat, oppression and harm, they put their trust in Allāh.

We will test you with a certain amount of fear and hunger and loss of wealth and life and fruits.  But give good news to the steadfast (Surat al-Baqara, 155)

“Those who believe, and whose hearts find satisfaction in the remembrance of Allāh: Without a doubt in the remembrance of Allāh do hearts find satisfaction. (Al-Raad 28)

Low Self-Esteem
Verbal and emotional abuse are like earthquakes that brutally shake the foundation of a woman's self-esteem.  They shatter her self- confidence, tear down her sense of security and destroy her self-respect .  Each degrading remark, criticism and profanity is like a bulldozer that vehemently annihilates her sense of self-worth.  The deep, emotional and psychological scars that are burned into her heart from the cursing, name-calling and humiliation will disable her from achieving her potentials, nurturing her children and attaining peace. She becomes so crippled emotionally that it is next to impossible to leave.

Suicidal
Like the victims of natural disasters that discover they have nothing left to live for, victims of domestic violence feel so overwhelmed with grief and hopelessness that many attempt suicide.  The feeling of helplessness and hopelessness that many victims fall prey to has a profoundly undermining effect on their mental and emotional well being.⁴ Many times these women simply give up on life and they experience learned helplessness where they lose the will to live.  Here are some of the signs of suicide contemplation:

• Talking about killing or harming one's self
• Expressing strong feelings of hopelessness or being trapped
• An unusual preoccupation with death or dying
• Acting recklessly, as if they have a death wish (e.g. speeding through red lights)
• Calling or visiting people to say goodbye
• Getting affairs in order (giving away prized possessions, tying up loose ends)
• Saying things like “Everyone would be better off without me” or “I want out.”

If you think a friend or family member is considering suicide, express your concern and seek professional help immediately. Talking openly about suicidal thoughts and feelings can save a life.⁶

See Suicide Prevention: Signs of Suicide and How to Help a Suicidal Person.

The problems and difficulties that people endure are known and for a temporary period of time.  Compare that to being faced with the unknown punishment in the hereafter for committing suicide for all eternity.

O you who have believed, do not consume one another's wealth unjustly but only [in lawful] business by mutual consent. And do not kill yourselves [or one another]. Indeed, Allāh is to you ever Merciful. 4:29

After a psychological tsunami that ruthlessly destroys feelings of self-worth and security, there needs to be massive action taken to recover from the lasting damages.  The first step is to clean up the emotional debris and the shattered feelings. Time and money needs to be invested to reestablish self-worth.  If the amount of damage is overwhelming, seek the support  and guidance of professionals to overcome the devastation.   Next, focused effort needs to be put in rebuilding self-esteem.  By not internalizing the negative, destructive comments of others and reconfirming all positive traits, self-respect and dignity will be rebuilt.  Trust in the self and in others will be essential in creating a strong foundation for developing lasting relationships.  Perhaps the most important aspect of recovery is to gain hope in the future.  Once the fire of hope is ignited it will shine so brightly and provide the necessary motivation to overcome all obstacles and to help others facing the same challenges.

If you or someone you know is a VICTIM of abuse know:

1. You are NOT ALONE
2. There are avenues for HELP
3. Ensure the SAFETY of you and your children
4. You are a VALUABLE person who is worthy of love
5. It is NEVER ACCEPTABLE to be physically, verbally or emotionally abused

Narrated Abu Ma'bad, that the Prophet said, “… and be afraid of the supplication of an oppressed person because there is no screen between his invocation and Allāh.” Sahih Bukhari: Volume 2, Book 24, Number 573.

If you or someone you know is the ABUSER:

1. Seek professional help to MANAGE YOUR ANGER
2. It is not too late to CHANGE YOURSELF and CHANGE YOUR LIFE
3. Find an OUTLET (sport or other activity) to release stress and frustration
4. Seek the SUPPORT of family and friends
5. REAL MEN DON'T ABUSE!

“Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or he is oppressed.” The Prophet was asked: “It is right to help him if he is oppressed, but how should we help him if he is an oppressor?” He replied: “By preventing him from oppressing others.” Sahih Bukhari, Volume 3, Hadith 624

References:

1. http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/pregnancy.php
2. Types of Trauma: Domestic Violence – San Francisco depression | Examiner.com http://www.examiner.com/depression-in-san-francisco/types-of-trauma-domestic-violence#ixzz1ZstUJQB9
3. http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/effects.shtml
4. Types of Trauma: Domestic Violence – San Francisco depression | Examiner.com http://www.examiner.com/depression-in-san-francisco/types-of-trauma-domestic-violence#ixzz1Zsu4uQTE
5. http://www.examiner.com/depression-in-san-francisco/types-of-trauma-domestic-violence
6. Suicide Prevention: Signs of Suicide and How to Help a Suicidal Person.

Psychology meets Islam

Haleh Banani will help you to heal, grow and prosper by combining the principles of psychology with the light of the Quran and Sunnah. Fortnightly, we will be featuring an episode from her weekly TV program that she hosts on Al-Fajr called “With Haleh.”

Get ready to be EMPOWERED! Click here to see all of Haleh's videos on MM. Haleh is now on Facebook & Twitter. Be sure to follow her!

Today's episode: Happiness Part 2/2

In this episode: Learn effective ways to interact with the people in your life to bring out the best in them. Learn to have a positive outlook, be optimistic, establish trust, forgive and understand the emotional bank account. Also, get INSPIRED to make a HUGE difference in your community.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Psychology meets Islam

Haleh Banani will help you to heal, grow and prosper by combining the principles of psychology with the light of the Quran and Sunnah. Fortnightly, we will be featuring an episode from her weekly TV program that she hosts on Al-Fajr called  ”With Haleh.” Get ready to be EMPOWERED!

Click here to see all of Haleh's videos on MM.

Haleh is now on Facebook & Twitter. Be sure to follow her!

Today's episode: Happiness Part 1/2

In this episode, learn about:

4 crucial relationships you need to establish in order to have LASTING HAPPINESS. Your relationship with God is what will fuel your life. Your relationship with yourself will determine how peaceful and content you are. Learn to live with purpose, have self-control, be mindful and have acceptance.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Haleh Banani will help you to heal, grow and prosper by combining the principles of psychology with the light of the Quran and Sunnah. Fortnightly, we will be featuring an episode from her weekly TV program that she hosts on Al-Fajr called “With Haleh.”
Get ready to be EMPOWERED!

Click here to see all of Haleh's videos on MM.

Haleh is now on Facebook & Twitter. Be sure to follow her!

Today's Episode: Manage Your Anger Part 2/2

In this episode, we'll explore:

• Change your thought process
• Communicate better
• Use humor

If you missed Part 1, you can watch it here.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Haleh Banani will help you to heal, grow and prosper by combining the principles of psychology with the light of the Quran and Sunnah. Fortnightly, we will be featuring an episode from her weekly TV program that she hosts on Al-Fajr called “With Haleh.” Get ready to be EMPOWERED!

Haleh is now on Facebook & Twitter. Be sure to follow her!

Today's episode: Redefine Yourself

In this episode, we'll explore:

• How to make lasting changes
• Redefine beauty, entertainment & success
• How our friends affect us

Click here to view the embedded video.

This is the way we usually react towards ourselves when we make mistakes and when we fall short of our expectations.  We beat ourselves up with abusive language which causes scars that last much longer than physical scars.  Negativity and hostility envelops us and we repeatedly kick ourselves until we are immobilized.  How is it that we were so sensitive and understanding towards our Muslim brother or sister yet we can’t tolerate the smallest mistakes from ourselves?  Why is it so easy to see the abuse of others and yet we are so blinded by the abuse we commit to ourselves on a daily basis?

There are many times when we may not feel good about ourselves.  It could be that we feel disappointed from repeatedly falling into the same error or extremely frustrated that we are not fulfilling our duties.  Sometimes we are not content with our personality – we may feel caged in by our shyness or out of control by our anger.  If it is not frustration or disappointment we are feeling, then it’s anxiety.  Many people suffer from anxiety which stems from fear of the future or fear of the unknown.   Whatever the circumstances may be, the reactions are usually the same.  We demoralize ourselves with negative self-talk which leaves us feeling miserable and hopeless.  Each time we make a mistake we are harsher and more severe which leaves us feeling more depressed and less peaceful.
This pattern has got to STOP.  We need to explore the many things that destroy our peace and techniques to use in order to gain that peace back.

Peace Slayers:

Dwelling Over The Past

There are times when people can’t forgive themselves for mistakes of the past.  It could be due to hurtful things they have said or done.  They spend all their time regretting the mistakes they have made. Some people can’t forgive the mistakes of others. Show forgiveness, enjoin what is good, and turn away from the misguided. Surat Al-Araf 7:199  They have somehow been wronged either by their parents, spouse, relative, friend or complete strangers and they can’t go beyond this incident.  They end up clinging on to grudges and  they vow to never forgive the perpetrator. Living in the past prevents you from enjoying the blessings of the present.  By dwelling on the past and not being able to overlook the mistakes of themselves or others, they will rob themselves of the serenity they deserve.

2. Anxious About The Future

There are people who spend every waking moment worrying about the future. “Verily, We have created man in toil (a state of struggle and stress).” Surat Al-Balad 90:4 When will I get married?  Will I have kids? Will I pass my exam?  Am I going to get a job?  How will my kids turn out?  How will I pay for their tuition? Am I going to get sick or get a disease? What will happen when I retire?  The worries go on and on with no end in sight.  This constant preoccupation with the future makes them miss out on all the wonderful events of the present.

3. Comparing

Another way that people destroy their peace is by comparing themselves to others.  They look at the polished exterior of others and feel inadequate about themselves, their spouse and their children since they are aware of all their own flaws and shortcomings. Each person is a package deal so accept the whole package.  You may be admiring a person’s good looks not knowing how their heart is diseased. The wealth and possessions of others may impress you when you are unaware of the tests they may be encountering. And He has raised you in ranks, some above others that He may test you in that which He has bestowed on you.  Surat Al-An’am 6:165   Look not with your eyes ambitiously at what We have bestowed on certain classes, nor grieve over them. Surat Al-Hijr 15:88 Each time we compare, we are left feeling unhappy and anxious, depriving ourselves from being aware of all the wonderful things  in our lives.

The only time it is recommended to compare is when it has a positive impact on our lives.  We can compare ourselves to people more knowledgeable or more charitable in order to get us inspired to be a better person. Narrated by Abu Hurairah the Prophet (peace and ṣalāh upon him) said, “Do not wish to be like anyone except two men:  A man whom Allāh has taught the Quran and he recites it during the day and night and a man whom Allāh has given wealth and he spends it on charity.  Another permissible comparison is looking at people who are much worse off than us in wealth and health.  By doing this we instantly feel grateful and pacified.

4. Rejecting your destiny

The worst way of slaying your peace is by rejecting your destiny.  This is when a person is absolutely angry, upset and frustrated from the events of their life.  It may be that they have not gotten married or were divorced, they are unable to get a job, they have medical issues or they are unhappy with their spouse.  Whatever the circumstance- they are mad.  They feel it’s unfair.  They question why others have it easy and their life is such a mess.  It’s vital to realize that Allāh is the Most Wise and if a person questions their life they are implying (Astaghfirullah) that they know better than Allāh.  When people reject their destiny, they sentence themselves to a life of misery.  You may hate something when it is good for you, and you may love something when it is bad for you.  Allāh knows, and you do not know.  (Surat al-Baqara, 2:216)

Ways to attain peace:

1.Relationship with God

When people have a strong, healthy relationship with their creator, they attain an infinite amount of peace.  It is Allāh who sent peace and tranquility into the hearts of the believers, that they may grow more in their faith. (Surat al-Fath 48:4)  Their perspective is broadened.  They don’t only look at the circumstances and difficulties of their lives and despair.  Certainty in the promises of Allāh fills their heart which makes them persevere with an unequivocal amount of patience when faced with the most unimaginable tests.  When people know the names and attributes of Allāh – I mean really know them and understand them not just list the names- then they will not fall prey to the slayers of peace because they will not dwell over the past, won’t be anxious about the future, won’t compare and they definitely would not reject their destiny.  Without a well established relationship with Allāh which involves obedience and commitment, no one can have true peace.  Behold! Verily on the ‘Awiliyas’ (friends) of Allāh there is no fear, nor shall they grieve; those who believe and constantly guard against evil.” (10:62-63)

2.Acceptance

Acceptance is one of the most critical aspect of attaining peace.  There needs to be genuine acceptance  of everything in your life and that includes  your past, your present, your looks, your circumstances  and your destiny.  If you are unable to accept an event in your life and if you dwell on why things happened the way they did, then you will be filled with grief and anxiety.  Don’t grieve at the things that you fail to get, nor rejoice over that which has been given to you.  Surat Al-Hadid 27:23 As soon as there is acceptance, the peace immediately follows.  The focus of therapy in many instances is to help the client accept themselves and their lives.  It is amazing how a person transforms when they stop metaphorically having a tantrum by kicking and screaming and finally accepting their portion in life.

3. Internal Validation

Majority of people have very low self-esteem and the only way they can feel good about themselves is to try to gain the approval and acceptance of others.  This can be a very slippery slope depending on the people they are trying to impress.  Many teenagers are so desperate to gain recognition and approval of their peers that they will do absolutely anything. This of course is the extreme example where individuals put their ethics and beliefs aside simply to gain acceptance.  However; there is a more subtle, psychological issue which involves being unhappy unless a person receives compliments or validations.  They simply can’t feel adequate unless they get another person’s approval.  This will make a person extremely needy of others and they will never feel content or even peaceful unless another person gives them validation. That is why it is of paramount importance to give internal validation ; feeling good about actions because they are pleasing to Allāh. There is no need to be dependent on others to feel good or worthy.  And they give food for the love of Him to the poor, orphan, and the captive saying, “We feed you seeking Allāh’s Countenance only.  We wish for no reward , nor thanks from you.” Surat-Al-Insan 76:8,9)

4.Self-Talk

The dialogue people have with themselves has been estimated to be about 600 words a minute!  What’s all the chatter about ?  Studies show that 85% of the self-talk is negative.  Once the self-talk is seen as a way to program the mind, it can be used to achieve peace.  When a person says comforting things to themselves rather than beating themselves up they will be in a much better state to reach their goals.  It is important to remember to be kind and understanding when mistakes occur and to always be aware of the internal dialogue.  When the self-talk is positive then a person can overcome any obstacle – if it is negative they will propel in a downward spiral of depression.   Whatever is said in this internal dialogue will determine the mood, the level of peace and the ability to achieve any goal so watch the self-talk.

5. Self-worth

A person’s self-worth is not based on some number – it’s not how much is in the bank account, IQ, size, GPA or salary.  When people start equating their worth based on these things they can feel extremely discouraged.  Self-worth is the ability for people to see themselves as competent, successful individuals that are able to deal effectively with the demands of their lives.  One of the biggest stumbling blocks to success is a lack of self-worth. The best way to feel worthwhile is doing everything in your life to please the creator. Verily, my prayer, my sacrifice, my living and my death are for Allāh, the Lord of mankind Surat Al-An’am 6: 162 In this way the action is done purely for Allāh without longing for any recognition or approval from anyone else.  It is essential to establish an exemplary character which truly makes any individual an invaluable asset to have in any setting.  To foster a feeling of self-worth is to set small, achievable goals that will bring about a feeling of confidence.   Contributing time, money and talent in helping others will also develop a strong sense of self-worth.  Whosoever intercedes for a good cause will have the reward thereof Surat An-Nisa 4:85.

6. Forgiveness

The key to having peace within ourselves and with others is to be forgiving.  Grudges and animosity gradually diminish our state of tranquility just as a pristine piece of metal steadily rusts in harsh weather. If we view each event in our life as a test and we focus on passing the test then it is much easier to forgive.  When we forgive to only please Allāh and to pass our tests peace descends upon our hearts. It is so incredibly liberating when we can let go of the hurt, throw out the emotional baggage and move on.  It will free our heart, our mind and our soul if we forgive and forget.  The recompense for an evil is an evil like thereof; but whoever forgives and makes reconciliation, his reward is with Allāh.  Surat Ash-Shura 42:40

When you are faced with difficulties and disappointments make sure you avoid the peace slayers.  As you stay away from the things that rob you of peace, work hard on attaining it back through the above mentioned suggestions.  Each item in this article requires another article to elaborate on the topic in depth; however I wanted to give an overview of how peace can be attained since so many people struggle with it. There are multitudes of ways to gain peace – these were just a few. Share with us the ways you go about attaining peace.