The traditional period of courtship is relative from culture to culture, family to family. After the initial introduction, some families grant the prospective groom and bride a chance to meet in private, under supervision; others allow them to get to know each other on the telephone, via text or email. Some families encourage the potential couple to go out in public, usually in a group setting.  People can be introduced through families, well-meaning community members, matchmaking services, on-line matrimonial sites, through imams, teachers and friends with the preplanned goal being marriage. Perhaps a better term for it should be arranged courtship.

Since couples in arranged marriages come together as a result of their extended family and community, they naturally think of their relationship as part of something bigger than just the two of them.  Many couples have extremely happy, arranged marriages. Half my siblings and friends are in varying degrees of arranged marriages. My cousin had a totally arranged marriage. She did not meet her husband until the day before she got married. They are one of the happiest couple I know, māshā'Allāh.  I chose not to go that route, I met my husband in college but my marriage included the consent of my parents and my husband's family.

Just like non-arranged marriages, not every arranged marriage or proposal works out for a variety of reasons. Nor are arranged marriages the only way a Muslim can get married.

The difference between arranged marriages and forced marriages

Forced marriage, on the other hand, occurs when a man or woman is coerced by the family to marry, using threats, emotional blackmail, fraud, and even bribes. Arranged against the person will, without consent or consent under duress. That is not a marriage in Islam; it is oppression and abuse. Marriage is Islam requires ijab and a qubul (proposal and acceptance). Forcing a woman to marry a man means that there was no qubul, this is the right of a woman, regardless of her age.  Without it the marriage is a sham, like living in zinā.

Some parents use the tactic of not speaking to a son/daughter for months at a time to convince them to get married to the person of the parent's choice. This is akin to cutting of the ties of the womb, which is a sin.  Other families threaten to disown the offspring if he or she does not accept the prospective spouse especially if it is a cousin from the homeland. In other places, the women are not given the right to even think that they can say no. They are brainwashed from a young age to obey their parents even if their hearts are screaming 'NEVER.' I have read through pages of testimonies of young women and men suffering through forced marriages.

Among the rights of our parents is that we obey them but this obedience is not blind, deaf and dumb. A nikāḥ is a spiritual contract and you can not have a contract when one of the parties or both of the parties have not committed their body and soul to the other for the sake of God. That is marriage in Islam.

Why do parents do force their offspring into an unwanted marriage?

They love you, take care of you, your mother carried you in her womb for months, nursed you, cried at your every pain. Your father worked days and nights to provide for you. Then why is it when it comes to the time when they should be your protectors and support you in the most important decision of your life, they are willing to submit you to abuse?

Many, many times it is culture. It is often family pressure: they have made promises or commitments to their relatives. Sometimes, their relatives are emotionally blackmailing them by threatening to cut off family ties. What parents often do not realize is in wanting to keep their kinships intact, they are destroying their own children.

Other reasons include a perverted notion of 'izzah “family honor”, ensuring land, property and wealth remain within the family, preventing relationships considered to be “unsuitable” for example outside a specific ethnic, racial group, helping relatives or caste/tribe members with residency and citizenship issues, controlling unwanted behavior and sexuality (including perceived or real promiscuity, or worries that their offspring is gay), and to provide a caretaker for a person with mental and/or physical disabilities.

They sometimes think that being parents gives them rights which are not given to them by God.

Islamic Rulings

Marriage without consent- In the Shāfi'i and Ḥanbali school of thought- the majority of scholars are of the view that if a woman is married off without her consent, then the marriage contract is invalid, because it is a forbidden contract which cannot be validated.

According to the Ḥanafi school of thought, the contract is dependent upon the woman's acceptance. If she gives her consent then it is valid, otherwise she may annul it. See al-Mughni, 7/364; Fath al-Bāri, 9/194

If the son or daughter likes someone else: Ibn Muflih al-Ḥanbali (may Allāh have mercy on him) said: The parents have no right to force their son to marry someone he does not want.

Shaykh Ibn Tayymiyyah said: Neither of the parents has the right to force their son to marry someone whom he does not want, and if he refuses, he is not sinning by disobeying them, because no one has the right to force him to eat food he finds off-putting when there is food that he wants to eat, and marriage is like that and more so. Food that one is forced to eat is unpleasant for a short while, but a forced marriage lasts for a long time, and it harms a person and he cannot leave it.  Al-Adāb al-Shar'iyyah (1/447)

Concerning a minor: According to Mufti E. Desai, since Islām does not allow a minor to conduct business or make financial decisions for himself or herself, a marital contract of a minor falls under the same premise. However Islām does not give a father the right to use his children's wealth without their permission, so how can he be allowed to decide, without the daughter's permission, how her body (which is more important than her wealth) is to be used, specially when she disagrees.

Concerning a young woman or a widow/divorcee: Abu Hurayrah reported that the Prophet said: “A previously married woman may not be married without her command, and a never married woman may not be married without her permission; and permission for her is to remain silent.” (Al-Bukhāri, Muslim, and others) The exegis of this Prophetic tradition is that if she does not speak up that means that she is giving consent.  A wali (close male relative) is a command-executor in the case of the previously married woman, and is permission-seeker in the case of a never-married woman.

Relevant Hadith:

Khansa' bint Khizam al-Ansāriyyah said “My father married me to his nephew, and I did not like this match, so I complained to the Messenger of Allāh. He said to me “accept what your father has arranged.” I said “I do not wish to accept what my father has arranged.” He said “then this marriage is invalid, go and marry whomever you wish.” (Fathul Bāri, Sharah Al Bukhāri 9/194, Ibn Mājah Kitabun Nikah 1/602). In another version, she went to the Messenger of Allāh (ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam) and he annulled the marriage. Narrated by al-Bukhāri, 4845.

And it was narrated from Ibn ʿAbbās (may Allāh be pleased with him) that a virgin came to the Prophet (ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam) and told him that her father had married her off against her objections. The Prophet (ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam) gave her the choice. Narrated by Abu Dāwūd, 2096.

According to scholars you should also not fear your parents du'ā' against you or their being angry with you, because that is a sinful du'ā' which Allāh will not accept from them, inshā'Allāh, unless you are transgressing against them, and not giving them their other rights. Because it is permissible for you to marry without adhering to their wishes, you will not be sinning or doing wrong. (From Islamqa)

Another misconception is that the bride and groom are not allowed to see each other before the marriage and this is somehow Islamic. The man has permission to see her face before agreeing to marry as the Messenger of Allāh (ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam) said, “Go and look at her (the woman you are considering marrying) because this will help your time together to be strengthened. ” (Ahmad) If our eyes are the path to our heart- how can the One who made us, forbid us from looking at the person who will become the most intimate part of our lives.

Some advice for someone being forced to get married

If you are facing circumstances where you are getting married against your will then SPEAK up! You are not your parent's property.  Don't ruin your life or your future spouse's life- s/he may not even know that you do not want to get married and will have to suffer through a loveless marriage for the rest of his/her life. You don't marry someone for your parent's sake, for your family's sake, or for anyone's sake.

You should actively and patiently do the following:

1. Very politely show your parents/guardians the relevant ayahs in the Qurʾān and refer them to the Sunnah, ḥadīth, opinions of scholars that Islam does not accept a forced marriage and gives the person the choice in regards to nikāḥ .

2. Ask your circle of mature friends and family especially your religious ones to talk to your parents on a regular basis. Impress on them that THEY are NOT exempt from ḥisāb (accounting) for not obeying the Qurʾān in their pride. The Qurʾān forbids us from following in the footsteps of our parents/grandparents if they are in the wrong. They sometimes think that being parents gives them rights which are not given to them by God.

3. Talk to your local imam/ youth group leader to speak to your parents.

4. Most importantly pray to Allāh- humbly, in qiyām (night prayers) , asking HIM to guide your parents and to prevent a social and personal disaster.

5. Make istikhārah (prayer of counsel).

6. Seek out professional help. There are many organizations that can help you if you are being forced into a marriage.

Why are you refusing the match?

Analyze your reasons for refusing the match. Keep in mind marriage among families or friends of your family can work and so can marriages between two people raised in two different parts of the world. As long as there is mutual love and respect and a deep desire to keep the relationship focused around Allāh. In our community here in California, a young man recently married his cousin from India who is 4 years older than him. But it was his choice. He went to visit and liked her demeanor and personality.  He approached his parents and māshā'Allāh they are attending college together and just had their first baby.

If you honestly cannot stand the person or do not know enough about them to make a wise decision, or are not physically attracted to them, then let someone know.  Consider if you are spiritually on the same level as them? Are they better than someone you can find on your own?  Can you relate to them? Can you communicate with them? Do you share common goals and values? If the answers to all these questions are NO then please do NOT agree to the marriage.

However, do not reject the concept of marriage to a prospect introduced by your parents or your family just because you don't want an arranged marriage. S/he may turn out to be your soulmate.

Unfortunately this is a common scenario among many Muslim married sisters. In fact, one of the most common complaints husbands have against their wives is that the wives don't beautify themselves at home.

I have personally observed many Muslim sisters stop taking care of themselves once they get married. Some married sisters only dress up when they go out and while others don't even bother with that. For some, abaya and hijab become a perfect “cover up” for outside the house and a t-shirt and sweat pants become the perfect lounge-wear for inside the house!

Reasons Why Sisters Don't Dress Up:
I cannot generalize the reasons why sisters stop taking interest in taking care of themselves at home, but I want to highlight 2 main points:

1. Once married to a practicing brother, sisters assume their knight in shining armor won't be interested in their looks but, rather, in their imaan. They believe their beauty lies in their “piety.”
2. Husbands don't express their desire in seeing their wives dressed up. Or, when their wives dress up, they don't bother to compliment them, which confuses the wife into thinking, “He does not care.”

Beauty and Piety are Two Separate Characteristics:
Let's remember, piety may add to a person's inner beauty which may reflect through physical appearance; however, they both are independent characteristics.

There is no prohibition in looking good; in fact, to physically beautify oneself to please one's husband and keep him happy is not only a praiseworthy act but also a means to earn reward from Allāh azza wa jall.

When the Prophet sallallahu alihi wasalam was asked which woman was best, he replied, “The one who pleases (her husband) when he looks at her, obeys him when he gives a command….” (Nasa'i)

Hence, sisters, please on a daily basis before your husband returns home:

• Take a shower (make sure you are not smelling like food)
• Change your clothes.
• Wash your face with cleanser/scrub.
• Put light make up on. Please don't use the excuse, “I don't know how to.”
• Wear some jewelry.
• Show some creativity with your hair. Remember frizzy hair can be taken care of with gel, mousse, hair spray, hair straightener etc.
• Use your perfume everyday and not only when you visit a friend.

Moreover, try to get a facial done once in a while. If you can't afford to, there are millions of products available at very reasonable prices for home facials/deep cleaning.

Dear sisters, abaya should not be used to cover up weight gain, and neither should the hijab keep frizzy/unkempt hair covered. I understand that a t-shirt and sweat pants are the most comfortable clothing but it needs to be changed before your husband get back home.

Husbands: Pay Attention & Don't be Stingy with Words:
In the early days of marriage, since husbands are “new,” it is important to look good. As the time passes and the couple becomes more comfortable around each other, it is only natural to become more informal. I remember the first time I wore my glasses in front of my husband was after SIX months of our marriage!

Compliments are incentives for looking good. For non-hijaabis it is easier to stay focused about their looks since their appearance is visible in public.

On the other hand, once a person is covered behind abaya and hijaab, it is easier to become careless about one's appearance; besides, “who is going to look?”. This is where a husband's attention and compliments become essential.  A wife desires attention from her husband. If she feels her husband appreciates her dressing up and taking care of herself, it will encourage her to take care of herself. Hence, husbands please:

• Pay attention to your wife on a daily basis
• Show interest in her looks, clothes and her overall appearance
• Encourage her by buying her clothes you would like her to wear
• When she is dressed up, make sure you praise her.
• When she is not, remind her gently

Marriage is a mutual bond of understanding and give and take. This issue, too, requires an effort on both sides.

And finally, it's never too late to start young.  Parents, some advice for your young girls:

• Train your daughters to take care of themselves from a young age.
• Instill a habit of working out regularly so they become accustomed to maintaining their physique.
• Allow them to wear jewelry at home and even let them experiment with make up so when they get married and should be adorning themselves for their husbands, the intimidation factor isn't there. Wearing make-up and jewelry won't become a burden, but rather a daily ritual.
• Train them to dress nicely and keep a pleasant demeanor every day at home in front of their family.

By taking these subtle steps you prepare them for some lifelong habits that will only make their marital life more pleasant inshā'Allāh.

This article was written anonymously and submitted through Salma Elkadi Abugideiri, a Licensed Professional Counselor.

In light of recent events highlighting domestic violence in our ummah, there is an unspoken casualty in the war of domestic violence. Abusive spouses may also be abusive parents. Furthermore, an abused spouse may in turn lash out and abuse the children from all the built up frustration and anger within the marriage. This is is how it was in my home.

The bad beginning

Although pictures speak a thousand words, our family photos never spoke the truth of what went on behind closed doors. Our house had been built with sturdy walls, but our home lacked a true and strong foundation of love. Both of my parents immigrated to the United States and, like most immigrants, brought along their cultural baggage and mindset. Although I will never know objectively how their marriage was in the beginning, according to my mother my father was verbally and physically abusive towards her. Growing up, I watched my parents fight with such passion and intensity that I am surprised, but thankful, that neither of them killed the other (although my mother did threaten my father with various sharp objects during some of their disputes). Nasty words were tossed back and forth like a tennis match, each one trying to beat the other at the vicious game. Sometimes my siblings and I would stand up for our mother, resulting in our father telling us to shut up and stay out of it, even retaliating against us.

My parents' disputes could and would start over anything and everything, although money and invalidating of feelings were two strong sparks. My mother believed divorce was not an option because she could not work and support all of us herself. My father did divorce my mother once in a fit of anger, but then asked for her back. He told me he loved my mother and would never want to divorce her as this would break our family apart. Despite the illusion that our family is together, it is broken.

This was the marriage upon which our family was built. Children were brought into this environment because, like many people, my parents never questioned their ability to be good role models nor pondered the responsibility that came with having kids. In fact, it's a rite of passage – school, marriage and then children  – and there is no question or deviation from this. As you might imagine, it was not a nurturing nor loving atmosphere to grow up in. Before we were old enough to understand or defend ourselves, we were thrown into the battlefield and became targets of violence and psychological warfare

Faces behind the masks

People are often shocked when they learn about a domestic violence case, when they discover a person's true nature and their hidden actions within the confines of their house. The truth is, looks can be deceiving and there is no way to distinguish someone who is abusive from one who is not by their outward appearance. Usually, the only ones who know the real faces behind the masks are those being abused and anyone the victims choose to tell.

There are no tell-tale signs of abusive parents, dysfunctional families or “victims” of abuse. My parents are practicing Muslims who frequent Islamic events and outwardly show their devotion to Islam. My father prays Jumuah and both Fajr and Isha in the masjid. My mother watches religious programs, wears hijab, goes to Umrah whenever she can and is well known and well loved in our community. Our family spends 'Īd together, goes out to dinner together and even laughs together. We visit other families and other families visit us. None of us children are anti-social deviants; we all have friends and are active participants in society. We are all highly educated, having all graduated from college and some of us graduate school.

While outwardly we all seemed “normal”, as is typical of dysfunctional families, each on of us children had our “adapted roles”.  Mine was that of the lost child, the one who stayed out of trouble and was mostly overlooked and ignored.  Unlike my siblings who rebelled in their own ways and at different times of their lives, I remained a “straight-edge” Muslim.  I never drank, smoked, did drugs, had friends of the opposite gender or premarital relationships.  I earned good grades, never hung out with “the wrong crowd and, even if I argued it, I never stayed out past my curfew. As hard as I tried to be good, I was never good enough.

My parents treated me differently based on their moods. My father's emotions vacillated between extreme highs (happiness, giddiness, etc) and extreme lows (seclusion, aggression, verbal abuse). He was never big on words of love or kindness, and the primary way he supported us was financially. He never really talked to us except to blame us for something or to insult us. When he was in a jovial mood, he would smile, sing and encouraged me to smile and be happy. To show how fluctuating his mood was, one time he hit me so hard and so many times with a slipper, it broke. Almost immediately after this, he joked that I would now have to buy him a new one. There were at least three times that his violence left marks on my face, leaving me to face the public with signs of his rage. If I was asked about what happened, I fabricated something about hurting myself. My mother scared me that from ever telling the truth, saying that the police would come arrest my father and take us away, creating a scandal in our family. I was also too ashamed to admit to anyone, even my closest friends, that my father physically abused me; I wanted to be a normal child with normal parents, not a victim to be pitied.

While my father was a raging bull, my mother was a wolf in sheep's clothing, hiding her abuse amidst kindness and affection. She was the “savior” against my father and had a very generous, sweet and giving demeanor when she was in a proper mood. I will not deny that she did many wonderful things for me and in fact, when she was nice, it was great to be with her. But, in a Jekyll/Hyde or Bruce Banner/Hulk fashion, when she unleashed her anger, it was explosive rage. Although she never hit me, I was a figurative punching bag on which she used insults, humiliation and expressions of anger instead of kicks and punches.

Despite “keeping my nose clean”, my mother still found reasons to unleash her anger at me.  One day, after spending time with a known and trusted friend, I came home to hear my mother telling my father how I was trying to be rebellious like my siblings. It was between 10:30 and 11:00 pm, a time which I had come home before without any repercussions and for someone in their late 20′s, was not an “unGodly time” to come home at.  When she heard me coming, she burst out of the front door without her hijab on, screaming at me that I was no longer her child, disowning me until the Day of Judgment and that she would put this in writing and send it to several shuyukh.  She also locked the door and told my father not to let me in. Even if I was out doing evil things, I didn't deserve that. No one does. Because this was my mother and because this behavior was common and accepted in our family and my parents' culture, I didn't see just how abnormal this was.  Actions like these were always excused with “She was mad because…” or “Well you shouldn't/should have done…”.  I felt too hurt, hated and even partly responsible for her actions to be able to see how abusive she was.  I felt that if if somehow, if I had been a better child, she wouldn't have done or said that.  I now see I could not control her behavior, only she could.

It was traumatic to see her behave in such a way and hurt to be the target of such horrible comments, and this is only one example of her pain-inducing words and actions. She teetered between kind and caring woman to a cruel and vicious woman. She would praise my siblings and I to her friends one minute and then say how she wished she would die so she wouldn't see our faces again, that death was better for her than life with us. I couldn't tell if she loved or hated me, if I was good or bad. I cannot explain to you the confusion or the pain that I went through, only that I am glad I finally see the truth for what it is.

Like other abusers, my parents wanted to exert their control over us. They yelled at me for being sad and for having individuality. Having autonomy was not allowed and success was simultaneously encouraged and deflated (sometimes by the same parent). My mother wanted us do to everything her way -  from how we looked, how we dressed, what majors we chose, who we married, even what we named our children – and criticized us incessantly when we didn't follow.    My father tried to “straighten us out” through physical and verbal assaults when we spoke up for ourselves or didn't do things exactly as he wanted.

Imams and shuyukh of Sunday school, Islamic lectures and Friday khutbahs told me constantly that parents deserved our utmost respect and unyielding obedience. And because they had heard the same lectures, my parents demanded this as well. It is a fact of life that children, more or less, emulate their parents' behavior.  Thus, through their actions, my parents taught me how to be defiant, angry, hateful, spiteful, resentful, disrespectful and aggressive, and simultaneously punished me for expressing these emotions and behaviors.  This created a tug of war in my head, between wishing that someone would say I had the right to be treated kindly and believing that I was being rightfully punished for being a bad child. No one ever spoke of children's rights or obligations of parents, so it was the latter that always won.

The ill effects of abuse

Growing up with abusive parents took a heavy and serious toll on me. From my childhood and even until now, the abuse has affected me in several facets of my life, mentally, physically and spiritually. I suffered from low self-esteem and had problems in my health and relationships, even with Allāh. The abuse has affected my family as well -  emotional problems, jealousy and spitefulness between siblings and emotionally incestuous relationships between parent and child developed – although they still choose to deny it.

Effects on…

…self-esteem and self-perception

In my ignorance and in response to the turmoil, I experienced extreme self-loathing and hated my life growing up. Parents are said to be a mirror of their children, and since my parents had plenty of negative things to say, I could only see myself as a terrible person. How could I love myself when my own parents, the people who brought me into this world and who were supposed to love me unconditionally, did not? Even if they told me they loved me (which they did not), they didn't know how to show me they loved me. I felt hated as my father chased me in order to physically punish me and pointed out all my faults. My mother told me often how I was just like my father, whom I knew she carried a great disdain for. She grouped us both along with one of my siblings in the “bad guys” category. I felt there was something truly wrong with me, that I was just an awful person who didn't deserve to be loved. I wanted to disappear from the world thinking that maybe, just maybe, if I was gone, someone would miss me and want me back…then I would finally feel loved and wanted. I felt like a burden on my family who would be better off without me. I hated being me which anyone reading this might understand how that could be. Only Allāh heard me as I apologized for being such a bad child.

…relationship with the family

I wanted Allāh to love me, I wanted to obey Him by being kind to and obeying my parents. Despite the fact that my father physically and verbally abused me, I still tried to be good to him. But, thanks in part to my mother's comments about him, at some point in my life, my innocent childish love for my father changed to hate. I despised every single thing about him – how he ate, how he walked, how he talked. I hated that he still asked for and expected hugs and kisses from me even after the mean things he said and did to me. My mother perpetuated this idea in the way she fought with him; it always looked like he was the aggressor and she the victim.

The well-known hadith that one's mother is more deserving of love and respect than one's father encouraged me to put all my energy into loving and obeying her as best I could. Because she was the one who comforted me after my father attacked me and defended me against him, standing up for me, she was the only source of comfort for me. Thus, I attached myself in an unhealthy manner to her and we became enmeshed; when she was happy I was happy and when she was mad or sad, I couldn't have a good time. I tried with all my power to make her happy and to make her pleased with me. It was because of this intense codependency that I have such a challenge in healing from her infliction; I gave her my all and she rejected, depreciated and destroyed it.

The dysfunction permeated beyond our parents' relationships with each other or with me. My siblings and I have an uneasy relationship with each other that is affected, one way or another, by one or both parents. For example, one sibling cut ties with the other because of issues the other had with our mother. Another still believes our father to be a good father and pushes me to do things such as wish him a happy birthday or take him out for Father's Day. One sibling and I butted heads because they labeled me the abuser, claiming my mother's harshness and nonacceptance of my good deeds was in response to my antagonism.

…relationship with Allāh

Because our relationship was borne out of blood and mentioned several times in the Quran, one of the favorite weapons that my mother used to validate her stance was religion. Similar to how abusive men misuse verses from the Quran, my mother misused the verses regarding treatment of parents, telling me how Allāh would punish me and that if she were to die displeased with me I would be damned to Hell for all eternity. I was told several times that I had no iman in my heart, that I only do things out of fear of Allāh's punishment and that if I were a true mu'min, I would not be so rude with my parents. When bad things would happen to me, she told me that Allāh was angry with me and punished me for what I had done. I believed it.

While we all doubt whether we are good enough in the sight of Allāh, whether our deeds will be accepted or whether we are sincere, my mother spiritually abused me so intensely that I doubted if Allāh even loved me. I thought “How could Allāh love someone like me, someone who was so insolent and hated by their parents?” I asked Allāh to forgive me for being such an insolent person and for being so bad to my parents. Today, I acknowledge that this was projection of her own feelings of herself, but the pain of hearing that come from my mother was extreme.

…relationship with the community

The shame and guilt I felt affected not only my relationship with myself and my Lord, but how I was with the community. For one, I felt as if I was wearing a scarlet letter “V” for being a victim of domestic violence. Although no one knew, I felt I was different and that no one would understand what I was going through. Other people had seemingly good relationships with their parents and had parents who were apparently loving and kind. I did not know for sure if this was true, but no one talked about it and neither did I. I felt isolated in my community. I didn't have anyone to talk to and didn't know if anyone cared or would even believe me about what was going on in my house if I told them. With my parents being such upstanding members of the community, it would be hard to convince someone that they were actually unkind and unfit parents.

Another issue was the hypocrisy I felt. I was an outwardly practicing Muslim who went to MSA meetings, and treated people with as much kindness as I could. People enjoyed my company and liked me. But as I looked into the mirror that was my parents' eyes, I believed this was only because no one, except my parents, knew the real me. In fact, my mother told me that I was so nice to the people outside my house while being so ill-mannered to those in my home. At the time, I didn't believe she would say something that wasn't true, especially something so hurtful. Like most children, I thought the best of her and the worst of myself and with the community loving her as well, I took her guilty verdict to heart.

…on marriage

As abused children grow older, they too may choose to marry and have children of their own. No one will deny that when you marry someone, you marry their family. When you marry their family, you also marry their problems and toxicity. When these issues are not addressed or acknowledged, they cannot be resolved. They seep into the core of the marriage, into the hearts of the individuals. It affects how they deal with each other and ultimately how they deal with their children. People joke about the “evil in-laws” and make the same comments about treating them with kindness, respect and humility. When the in-laws are abusive and have a skewed view of reality, it is no joke.

To avoid disclosing any identifiable details, I will not speak of my own or my siblings' marriages, but will instead refer to a couple that I know who live in an abusive home. The mother/mother-in-law behaves in a similar fashion to my mother, leading me to believe that she also has a mental illness. The husband (her son) believes that to be a good son, he must do anything and everything in his power to please his mother, even though nothing he ever does is good enough in her eyes. She, too, uses Islam's emphasis on serving parents as a means to get her way. She speaks nastily to both her son and daughter-in-law, both of whom feel the detrimental effects of living with an unstable and abusive person. Both are victims of abuse and do their utmost to please their perpetrator. For example, after a day of cleaning the house in hopes of pleasing her, she made a comment about how dirty the TV was, saying how she would never have kept her house in this shape.  Even though the wife recognizes the abusive behavior of her mother-in-law, she does not know what to do or how to act. Her husband believes his mother needs to be obeyed and feels powerless to say or do anything to stand up for himself or his family. There are young children in this marriage who will, unless something changes, grow up seeing their parents treated harshly and possibly be treated in a similar manner themselves.

This article  WILL help you KILL porn addiction or at least start on the road to recovery inshā'Allāh.

ARTICLE HIGHLIGHTS

• Physiology of porn addiction & why it's so hard to quit
• Porn addicts: you are not losers & you CAN quit
• The Ramadan connection
• Simple changes towards a new life

The other day on the MM Facebook page, I had posted a question- “what is one bad habit you'd like to kill this Ramadan?” Surprisingly, one brother openly wrote about his desire to stop watching porn. Think about it. What great desperation would make a person openly talk about this habit? In fact, this is a brave brother, who has recognized his battle, and who is literally begging for a cure, a change. He is afraid, scared of going through Ramadan, through fasts, afraid that he will not be able to ward off the urge to flip on an internet porn site, or a DVD to watch some porn.

Some of you may be thinking, “Astaghfirullah, how can someone even think of doing this in Ramadan?“. Stop.  First say Alhamdulillah, and thank Allāh that He, Al-Rahman, has protected you from this great fitnah.  Next pray to Allāh that He keeps you away from the dark forces of sexual addictions of all types, from porn to zina, naudhubillah.

Some of you may remember that I addressed the dangers of porn addiction in a post nearly four years ago called Pornography Addiction Among Muslims. Not only did this article touch a strong nerve in our community, but it has since become the 3rd most viewed post on MuslimMatters. And, every few months, it still goes viral.  Why? Not because the post is some masterful gem written by a world expert; rather, the post was merely a collection of true stories of people afflicted. With the availability and accessibility of internet spreading like wildfire, I reckon the problem has only gotten worse.

Effects of Porn

Although destructive in many ways, the deteriorating impact porn addiction has on intimacy between spouses, tops the list.  There is developing research that “pornography was progressively desensitizing these men sexually… that they quickly required higher levels of stimulation to achieve the same level of arousal”. The sad reality is that your wife/husband becomes progressively insufficient to satisfy your sexual desires.

For those addiction-afflicted as well as those who aren't, take heed of the dangers of porn addiction. Like alcohol and drug addiction, porn addiction cannot simply be shut off. Rather, one must undergo a rigorous process requiring time and effort, and this process cannot start unless one understands why this addiction is so strong.  Porn addiction is one sub-category of sexual addictions, likely the lightest in terms of haram- but equally destructive and almost certainly leading to worse if not nipped in the bud. That is why Allāh has instructed us to not even “approach zina” [Quran 17.32], because with porn as an entry-way, it becomes almost impossible to stop one's path to zina.

Why is it an Addiction?

Research has shown that porn addiction is a “chemical addiction“, having an effect on the brain that is very similar to drugs. It has even been called the new crack cocaine in this Wired article. Mary Anne Layden, co-director of the Sexual Trauma and Psychopathology Program at the University of Pennsylvania's Center for Cognitive Therapy, calls porn the “most concerning thing to psychological health that I know of existing today.”

First let's see how drugs work so we may see how analogous it is to porn addiction. The National Institute of Drug Abuse reports: “Most drugs of abuse directly or indirectly target the brain's reward system by flooding the circuit with dopamine. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter present in regions of the brain that regulate movement, emotion, cognition, motivation, and feelings of pleasure. The overstimulation of this system, which rewards our natural behaviors, produces the euphoric effects sought by people who abuse drugs and teaches them to repeat the behavior.”

Porn addiction works similarly: “During the sexual process, the brain begins narrowing its focus as it releases a tidal wave of endorphins and other neurochemicals like dopamine, norepinephrine, oxytocin and serotonin. These “natural drugs” produce a tremendous rush or high. When these chemicals are released during healthy marital intimacy we refer to them as “the fabulous four” because of the myriad positive benefits they generate between a husband and wife. When they are released during pornography use and other sexual addiction behaviors, we call them “the fearsome four” due to the severe addiction and many negative consequences they produce in the brain and nervous system.” [Read more in this informative article]

Overcoming Addiction

We know that drug addicts can get over their addiction. We know that alcoholics have been able to do the same.

So, if you are a porn addict, know this:

(1) you are not alone
(2) you are not a loser or an evil person
(3) you CAN kick this habit but only with a huge amount of jihad'l-nafs (the struggle of the soul).

This psychologist-backed site will further help you understand your addiction–the first step in this journey of killing it. I have not done an extensive review of the site, so “buyer beware”. Please keep your Muslim hat on, and, like all information, screen it through a simple Islamic filter.

For spouses, family, friends, and supporters, know that:

(1) It is important that you “recognize” the addiction and become partners towards a cure rather than continually debasing and disparaging the addict. Debasement only makes the addict feel worse and increases the desire to seek pleasure from endorphins through porn.

(2) Porn addiction is destructive not only for the addict, but also for the spouse. As we saw in my previous post on porn addiction, it has the ability to destroy marriages. That is why it is not to be taken lightly. I urge spouses of addicts to please also be a “partner in solution” rather than a police officer. You cannot hammer the addiction out of your spouse. Learn about its physiological and psychological aspects, and HELP in the recovery. If you love your spouse, you will give it your very best shot.

The Ramadan Connection

The psychologist linked above, Joe Zychik, mentions two requirements for overcoming sexual addictions– effective motivation and a reliable method.

Ramadan is a time where we are instructed to fast. Fasting has been described by the Prophet (salallahu 'alayhi wa sallam) as one of the ways to control sexual desire:

Abdullah (b. Mas'ud) (Allāh be pleased with him) reported that Allāh's Messenger (may peace be upon him) said to us: “O  young men, those among you who can support a wife should marry, for it restrains eyes (from casting evil glances) and preserves one from immorality; but he who cannot afford it should observe fast for it is a means of controlling the sexual desire.”

During regular days, it may be tough to observe this instruction, but Ramadan is a month where you are surrounded with “effective motivation” to fast. The last thing you want to do is go through the motions of fasting yet breaking it by engaging in your addiction. Use this opportunity to make some strong moves towards a “reliable method“.

Partner Up

Connect with a close friend, family member, or spouse–someone you can trust. Let's call this person your “partner”. Have your partner install a strong porn filter/activity monitor on your computer. Let him/her control the password and make this partner promise that they will not give it to you regardless of how much you ask for it. If it helps, make them swear by Allāh. In some cultures, putting your hand on the Quran reinforces this promise.

Make Structural Changes

Replace your SmartPhone- If you watch porn on your phone, get rid of it! Replace it with a non-internet-capable “cheap mobile”. Either you can have a nice toy or you can save yourself from porn.

Change your computer- If you watch it on your laptop, consider buying a desktop instead that stays in an open area where you wouldn't want to be caught watching porn.

Turn off your TV- if u have any porn videos or DVDs, destroy them now, before you lose your spirit.

Reliable Methods

Self-Talk- Talk to yourself and your partner about your addiction. Consider this: If you are able to control yourself during fasting, why can't you control yourself during the nights of Ramadan, nights that are the holiest nights of the entire year? And if you are able to control yourself for the entire Ramadan, is the Allāh of Ramadan not the same Allāh of the rest of the months, Who watches your every move?

Make constant dua- Ask Him, Al-Tawwab, to pardon your sins, and grant you barakah in your efforts and time to help you overcome this trial. Recognize that you are in this trial only by the will of Allāh (subḥānahu wa ta'āla), and by His will and mercy, He will lift you from this trial after you rise from it, a stronger believer. Use the nights of this most blessed months, and the moments before you break your fast to humbly ask Allāh (subḥānahu wa ta'āla) for help.

Moisten your tongue with duas such as this one:
اللهم اني ظلمت نفسي ظلما كثيرا ولا يغفر الذنوب الا انت فاغفرلي مغفرة من عندك, وارحمني انك انت الغفور الرحيم

'Alla-humma innee thalamtu nafsee thulman kathee-ra wala yaghfiru thunouba ila anta, faghfirlee maghfiratan min 'indika, warr hamnee innaka antal Ghafoor-ur Raheem.'
[O Allāh! I have wronged myself very much, and none can forgive sins, except You only. Grant me forgiveness, and have mercy upon me; indeed You are the Most Forgiving, Ever Merciful.] (Bukhari) Allāh/">(for in-detail translation)

Read Self Help Books- Beyond the self-talk, you need to continue the journey on a “reliable method”. Your best bet is to get books on breaking sex addiction. Do it NOW before you lose your motivation to read them! It is more important for you to read these books in Ramadan than to spend time on entertaining guests or even tarawih (stopping haram is more important than an optional, mustahab).

Get Counseling- If you have access and ability to engage with a psychologist, this is the time to put that in motion. Call one and set up an appointment. Make sure this psychologist is a specialist in the area of addictions, especially sex addiction.

In other words, start doing whatever it takes during these Ramadan days of high spiritual motivation to set into motion something that will keep you porn free in the LONG RUN, as opposed to perhaps controlling it only in Ramadan.

Note: This article does not rely or recommend “coaches”. Maybe in a year, when we have testimonials from people who have been cured–and stay cured–with such coaching services, I'd be glad to advertise their services. For now, please don't post any such services provided, because this would be just advertisement that I do not, in good faith, agree with or can recommend. This is my own opinion, not MM's.

Wedding season is once again around the corner. Many hours of the holiday season will be spent looking upon the beaming faces of the bride and groom and the guests arrayed in all their finery. People will smile and chatter, and at the center of it all will be the newlywed couple.  Why are weddings such a big deal? Why is there such a furor and excitement in the air? Is it that the two people standing up there are actually happy and the guests feel that if they get close enough to them it will rub off on their marriages? The entire British nation is hoping the prospective marriage of their prince will somehow make them forget their economic woes.

I have often wondered what goes through the minds of married couples as they look on. Those that Allāh has blessed with some satisfaction in their lives fondly recall their own big day. Their eyes lock and they smile. But the reality of life is never a “happily ever after” affair. Some memory of a recent argument or disagreement intrudes upon the memory of the blissful past. But they brush aside the fleeting thought and sum up the total of their relationship; breathe a sigh of relief and say ‘alhamdulillah.’

There must be those that sit there and say to themselves, “Those deluded fools, they have no idea what marriage is really like. I hope they put in the ‘shut up and put up’ clause somewhere in their marriage contract.” Their marriage has left a bitter taste in their mouth and the sight of the sweet fruit in front of them stirs some long suppressed memory and brings a frown to their faces. They sum up the score on their marriages and continuously calculate their losses.

Then there is the category of people that have never tasted ‘mawadah’ even in the beginning of their marriages. Marriage to them is synonymous to forced confinement with an unwelcome stranger. They have either consciously withdrawn from the relationship or they are actively abusing their spouse physically or verbally. Their despair is like a creeping shadow that engulfs everything that they come in contact with. Their eyes survey the hall still searching for some warmth to fill the emptiness of their lives.

The media bombards us with images and lyrics of “romantic love” and we are so inundated with these images and sounds from childhood that we cannot truly ever take them out of our subconscious expectations of our spouses.  Those of us that are blessed by Allāh (swt) and guided back to the religion take this baggage of unrealistic romanticism with us into our newly transformed lives.

“And among His signs is this,  that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts. Verily in that are signs for those who reflect.” (Qur'an 30:21)

When we read this ayah it seems like a “happily ever after ending.” A paradise in this world and the next. We simply replace the idealized image of the perfect spouse with a Muslim Prince Charming who brings additional characteristics of piety and is an excellent da'ee and recites Quran with perfect Tajweed. From the life of the Prophet we selectively highlight the race with Aisha. We recall how he stood screening her with his cloak as she watched the Abyssinians who were giving a display with their weapons in the mosque. We recall how he took the advice of Umm Salamah at Hudaibiyah when the companions, distressed by the recently concluded treaty, did not rush to obey the command of the Prophet (saws) to slaughter their animals. These images became the benchmark of our expectations for our spouses – any courtesy or affection that falls short of the standard of our beloved Nabi (saws) will just not be sufficient in our eyes.

We conveniently overlook the times when the Prophet’s household also experienced marital strife. Of course the Prophet (saws) displayed remarkable composure but he was at one point so displeased with his wives after the victory at Khayber that he separated from them and there was a rumor in Madina that he had divorced them. The incident of Ifk with his beloved Aisha must have been for all involved a period of extreme distress. Aisha said, ”I have spent the entire night until morning unable to stop weeping and could not sleep at all. Morning found me still weeping.” Allāh (swt) absolved her of all blame and declared: “Do not think it is bad thing for you; no it is good for you.” (24:11) There were many such incidents where the family of the Prophet (saws) resolved their differences with dignity and trust in Allāh. But the point to be made is that they were very human in their relationships and dealings and they used their life circumstances to earn the pleasure of Allāh.

We need to have realistic expectations of our spouses in all spheres: emotionally, physically and spiritually. We also need to ensure that we shield our children from the Cinderella stories of our time because they might potentially damage their future relationships. A closer, unbiased examination of the Sirah of the Prophet (saws) will go a long way in making our romantic dreams more firmly rooted in reality.  We can also pursue those romantic dreams and simultaneously earn the pleasure of Allāh.  But we must not get ‘Tangled’ in the mythology of the ideal spouse. After all even if the glass slipper fit who would be foolish enough to walk in it?  And how far could you possibly get in a glass slipper?

Love is a powerful, compelling emotion. It can make you laugh and it can make you cry. It can lift you up to the clouds and it can hurl you into an abyss. One of the dilemmas Muslims face, especially Muslim sisters, is the situation in which they get to know a prospective spouse and for some reason it does not work out.

This article is not discussing the fiqh behind getting to know your prospective spouse, as it is common for a couple to have a few “halaal” meetings and still fall deeply in love. Rather, this article deals with how to get over someone and moving on after the falling in love stage. After you have decided that this person is the one for you and then due to circumstances - be it parents, finances, etc., the two of you cannot get married. Insha Allāh this article will be a guide on how to get over that person and move on with your life.

Step 1: Accepting Allāh's Qadr

This has got to be one of the toughest tests of qadr. Love muddles your mind and when all you see are the good characteristics of someone it is difficult to see why it is not working out, especially if this is your first real love. How can this brother who is practicing his deen, has a nice beard, soft and caring be wrong for me? How can this sister who is attractive, fun and religious not be my perfect partner?

The key concept to remember here is: you do not know someone until you have lived with them for a substantial time. Even that person does not know what they are like and how they will react in certain situations. Just because you have these elated feelings of love does not necessarily mean this is the right person. Marriage is a struggle and people develop themselves and change with the experience. Only Allāh knows your compatibility, only Allāh knows what situations you will face and your reactions. Only Allāh knows whether or not this marriage will bring you closer to Him or distract you from the real purpose in life. It is only Allāh who knows. Have trust in Allāh that He has made the right choice for you. For no matter how much this person claims their love for you or vice versa, know that no one can love you as much as Allāh.

So firstly, make dua to Allāh to ease your pain and help you be content with His qadr. The following is my favorite Hadith regarding qadr as it really fills you with the awe of Allāh and His infinite wisdom.

“Allāh `azza wa jall said: ‘Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by being inflicted with poverty, and were I to enrich him, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by wealth and affluence, and were I to deprive him, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by good health, and were I to make him sick, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by disease and illness, and were I to make him healthy, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he who seeks worship by a certain act but I prevent that from him so that self-amazement does not enter his heart. Certainly, I run the affairs of My slaves by My Knowledge of what is in their hearts. Certainly, I am the All-Knower, All-Aware'.” [Tabarani]

Step 2: Awareness of the love-drug syndrome

An interesting study was conducted comparing drug users to people who claimed to be “madly in love”. They found that brain scans showed people who are in the first stages of love and people who are high on cocaine have the same areas of the brain stimulated while looking at a picture of their “beloved”. In other words, being in the first stage of love is similar to being high on drugs! With drugs, you are not in love with the powder itself – you are in love with the feelings that it gives you.

Similarly, the thing that we love is the special attention, the butterflies in the stomach, the acknowledgment that someone cares about us in a special way, looks at us in a special way, thinks about us in a special way – the constant day dreaming about the future and daily scenarios. So it is not that this person is perfect, it is that this person allows us to feel all these emotions which are addictive. In reality we are not in love with the person, we are in love with Love itself.

Being in love with Love explains how some people overlook major faults in their prospective spouse. I knew a practicing sister who wanted to marry someone who had a drug and alcohol problem. This was because in both cases these “faults” were discovered during the first butterfly phase of love and not before. Alhamdulilah, by the qadr of Allāh the marriage did not take place, but it was due to circumstances, not because the sister had realised that they were not a suited match.

Awareness of this love-drug syndrome has two major benefits. Firstly, awareness is power and it breeds hope. Once you are aware that it is the feelings you are attached to, realise you can actually get them elsewhere.

These feelings are not specific to this one person; you will get these feelings with your new, more suitable prospective partner – the one that Allāh will put into your life at the right time insha Allāh. Love clouds your mind and makes you think that you will not find this strong love and passion with anyone else. But this is simply not true. You will find this love to be even stronger and more passionate with the right person (the one that is written for you in the Lahw al Mahfooz).

The second benefit is knowing that just like a drug-user naturally has withdrawal symptoms when they stop, you too will naturally have withdrawal symptoms, and it will be difficult. Getting over someone is emotionally painful so don’t be too hard on yourself, validate your feelings and allow yourself time to heal. Know that this is common – nearly everyone goes through heartache at some point in their lives, and eventually recover with time.

As a side point: It is not a sin to fall in love; it is a natural emotion which the human species depends on! If you did sin in the process then repent to Allāh, He is the Most Forgiving, Most Merciful. Love is a powerful emotion, which is why there are boundaries in Islam. If you have fallen outside those boundaries, repent and move on.

Step 3: Be proactive

Allow yourself time but also get proactive! Marriage is just one of the many aspects of your life; it is not the be all and end all of things. What are your aspirations? What do you want to achieve in your life? Write down a list of goals you want to achieve by the end of the month and get started on them right away. As Muslims, our continuous goal is striving to get closer to Allāh, so working on your eman and your relationship with Allāh must be included in some way. Focus your attention on moving forward rather than wasting time with something that “could have been”.

Step 4: Move on

In the spirit of being proactive, the last stage is to actively open your heart and mind to someone else. This could be difficult, as naturally comparisons will creep in, but again realise the fact that it has not worked out means that Allāh has someone better suited for you. As illustrated in the famous Hadith of the birds:

“If you depend on Allāh with due reliance, He would certainly give you provision as He gives it the birds who go forth hungry in the morning and return with a full belly at dusk.” [Tirmidhi]

Allāh will provide for you but you have to get up and get moving again. Just like the birds, go out and seek. Make the effort on your part and leave the rest to Allāh and His infinite wisdom.

Just a decade ago “finding someone online”  would have raised eyebrows in many Muslim circles, yet with the growing role the internet plays within our social lives, it almost seems natural that finding an appropriate match online was just another development in our ‘e-lives’.

Nine years ago, before I was Baba Ali, I wanted to get married.  I couldn't find anyone in my local area, and I couldn't go through my family (since I'm a convert) so I decided to go online, and I really disliked what was out there.  The Muslim matrimonial sites basically took the “dating structure” and put the word “Muslim” in the title as if that would magically make it Islamic.  This is why they ask you “dating-type questions” during registration: “what's your eye color”, “what's your hair color”, etc. These are the type of questions one asks if they want to be in a temporary relationship because they're only surface level questions, but if someone wants to actually marry that person, they would need to ask deeper questions.

So what I did at the time was put up my profile asking for a specific type of sister.  A total of 17 sisters responded, and because these Muslim sites asked only the dating-type of questions, I typed up a long series of questions which I emailed each sister to answer.  I made sure the questions didn't have ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ answers so I would get honest answers.  At the end, one sister’s answers matched my ideal replies, and I married her nine years ago and have been extremely happy ever since. Alhamdulillah.  When my friend learned my strategy, he asked for the questions and alhamdulillah, it led to him getting married too.  Pretty soon, news started to travel and my question strategy became popular.  Eventually, I decided to help others get married, so I decided to start a matchmaking site: Half Our Deen.

We recently launched the site in the summer of 2010 with a current active membership pool of over 1,000 members. The site was created from scratch, disregarding the traditional formula used by established matrimonial sites – Muslim or not. A high value was given to honesty so the runaround interested members usually get when registering to matchmaking sites was purposely removed from the process. Prices and site features are stated clearly off of a link on the main page ($9 for month-to-month subscriptions and $5 per month for annual subscriptions). I myself was tricked into this runaround many years ago when I registered for a matrimonial site that advertised ‘free registration’ only to realize 20 minutes later that the only thing really ‘free’ was me providing them with my private information. The lesson I learned is when you sacrifice something for the sake of Allāh (subḥānahu wa ta'āla), then He will replace it with something better.

Privacy has been given top priority as this is usually a reason singles shy away from matchmaking sites in the first place. So we have no nosey community members or bored internet browsers accessing our site or the members profile pictures without being a legitimate, paying member. This allows members to rest assure that the only individuals who have access are those who should. A recent poll taken by Half Our Deen members found that a majority of subscribers are exclusively on Half Our Deen and that the #1 reason they chose the site over others is due to the site’s privacy standards.

How does the site work?

A profile picture, age, height, grew up in, located in, a profile description of themselves and what they’re looking for in a lifelong partner are clearly indicated on each member’s page. Their personally-tailored questions can be viewed and answered then the option of ‘I’d rather fast’ or ‘I’m interested’ can be used to further communicate or nix them off the list of potentials. This eliminates those awkward first meetings traditionally used to gauge potential for a relationship.

In order to delve deeper for substance, subscribers are asked more than just the surface-level questions of; ‘height’, ‘weight’, ‘ethnicity’ or ‘eye color’. Since the goal is to find members their life-long partners, questions involve aspects such as family expectations, personality type and personal approach to Islamic issues, revealing the person behind the profile. This priceless data is fed into an algorithm which calculates the optimal percentage matches. This feature is popular and helpful with members allowing a user to see that they may have matched 88% with someone in the religion department but only 23% in the personality department – very useful information to know from the start.

Members are provided with a database of 100 questions (some of which I used in my initial search) to pick and choose from, possibly providing members with aspects they should consider asking that never crossed their minds. Questions like, “Would you relocate to London?” and “Are you an animal lover?” can be answered up-front making the get-to-know-you process easier and clearer. One of our female members who is currently active on the site explains, “It is really cool because once the person answers those questions, you can really get a feel for whether you want to start communication with them or not. For example, you may ask what is it that you expect from your wife financially, they might say lots of money, and that will immediately put you off. Or you might say what is your definition of wealth, and they answer lots of savings, but in your head your thinking love for family, husband, love for life, happiness, inner peace.”

I have also incorporated original, entertaining videos sharing honest and humorous insights on what to expect after the wedding bells fall silent. I want to help give newly-married couples an idea on what they can expect in terms of living together, communicating and getting along – things many mothers and fathers may have forgotten (or avoided) to address before the nikkah.

What can we expect?

With over 1,000+ members strong and growing by the day, Half Our Deen has proven to be a worthy competitor for many of the leading Muslim matrimonial sites out there. Even though a rapidly growing membership count is great on some accounts, we would like to maintain a high level of communication and customer service with each member. In order to make Half Our Deen a better experience, beginning at the end of January 2011 members will be able to dictate the criterion by which suggestions are sent their way. If age is a deal breaker but ethnicity or location isn’t, members are able to indicate this in order to get back more accurate suggestions and potentials matches.  Members will be able to have up to three match filters saved!  Sounds like a job application search filter doesn't it? We are also introducing a new messaging system which will have email correspondence and history displayed as conversations as well as every reply time-stamped.

Wedding Bells?

Half Our Deen has seen a steady flow of successful matches made. Just yesterday, one of our customer service agents reported that another match was made on Half Our Deen. This completely made my day and put a huge smile on my face. The little part that Allāh (subḥānahu wa ta'āla) has given me the privilege to play in people’s lives means a lot to me and is a very big deal, alhamdulillah.

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Just as in the case of a medical epidemic, the root causes must first be explored before a treatment approach can be presented. Once the origin is understood, solutions can be presented.

Flat Tire Epidemic: The apparent cause of this plague upon the Muslim community appears to be marriage, however deeper investigation into this issue has found that there are several key factors that must be considered. Our analysis of this subject can be found in Part I of this series.

The Flat Tire Epidemic can be treated in two ways and a combination of these treatments is more effective than either on its own. One treatment approach is derived from the core – that is, the treatment of each individual suffering from this syndrome. The second is more systemic in that it targets key issues within Islamic organizations.

(Many of these points were inspired by MM reader comments on the previous post so jazakum Allahu khairan to everyone who offered their input and insight!)

Treatment: Individual Perspective

• Why Are You Doing This: Intentions

The first and most important aspect that a volunteer needs to consider is his/her intention. Why are you devoting so much time and energy to this work? If you’re doing it to get married, you’re what we would deem to be at “high risk” to contract the Flat Tire Epidemic. Once you get married, you will have achieved your goal.

If you are volunteering to gain the admiration of people then that won’t last long either. People are not usually easy to please. As we mentioned earlier, in marriage, a spouse may receive instant gratification from his/her spouse but this is not the norm in volunteering. Relationships with people tend to shift, therefore, those who seek rewards and gratification from others may not be the most stable volunteers.

Those who volunteer for the sake of Allāh (subhanahu wa ta’ala) – to improve the community, to gain reward from Him, to spread da’wah - are those who are most likely to maintain a link to volunteering even after marriage. This directly penetrates the root of this issue; if your reason for volunteering is something constant, then your emotional attachment to this cause will remain regardless of changes in your life circumstance.

• Marrying the Right Person

Young married couples are amongst the most valuable members of volunteer organizations. They have youthful energy yet also have a substantial connection and dedication to the community and its betterment since they realize that what they are doing will directly impact the next generation – their children. Newly married couples tend to gain a new appreciation for responsibility, commitment and the work involved in maintaining a strong relationship with their spouse.

If volunteering is a priority for you while you are single, you should seek a spouse who has similar interests and who will encourage this part of your life. Continue to make this a priority in your new stage of life. When considering someone for marriage, make sure you address your priorities, how you expect to live your life, including your expectations of your own and your spouse’s contribution to the community. Also, maintain open lines of communication with your spouse regarding volunteerism – have an open discussion about any concerns that may be faced during the course of volunteering (e.g. your perception of your spouse’s interaction with the opposite gender). Ensure that you both agree about the type of volunteer activities each of you is comfortable engaging in.

Many view volunteerism as taking away from precious time that newly married couples should be devoting to one another. You work all week, have to see your families and friends on the weekends, plus now you have another person in your life who deserves your attention. So in the midst of all this, how can you find the time to volunteer without detracting from strengthening your relationship with your new spouse? Choose activities that allow you to work together. For example: If you both enjoy working with the youth, work on your halaqat together – you may be in different parts of the masjid while delivering this information but prior preparation and discussion afterwards are a great bonding opportunity. If you prefer to be side-by-side while volunteering, why not help out at a soup kitchen or participate in a neighborhood cleanup activity? This is not only an excellent form of da’wah, but it is also a great way to grow closer to your spouse.

• Embracing Your New Role

Each of you has many roles in life – you are a slave of Allāh (subhanahu wa ta’ala), a son/daughter, a brother/sister, a friend, a student, an employee, the list goes on. When you started your current job, did you feel the need to cut out one of your current life roles in order to be a successful employee? Why, then, do so many volunteers, after gaining a new life role as a spouse, tend to give up a part of themselves? Adding a new role does not necessitate dropping another one – you just need to reprioritize, reorganize, and recreate the balance in your life. These roles can all coexist in harmony; some may take precedence over the others, but each one should be given its due right.

Embrace your new role as a spouse to the fullest! Just realize that you don’t need to give up the other aspects of your life in order to embrace your role as a husband or a wife; rather, these roles are what make you who you are and the person your spouse chose to marry so allow them to enrich your married life as they enriched your single life!

Treatment: Organizational Perspective

Just as individual volunteers need to assess their susceptibility to the Flat Tire Epidemic from a personal standpoint, Islamic organizations need to assess themselves as well. We compiled a list of suggestions organizations should consider putting into effect for the sake of the longevity, efficiency, and efficacy of their efforts.

• Grace Period

Islamic organizations should grant volunteers a grace period when they are planning their upcoming nuptials. This would be put into effect beginning a few months before the wedding and continue until several months afterwards. Allowing volunteers the time they need to prepare for and get adjusted to married life is essential. This preemptive step may help to prevent the loss of married volunteers, thereby reducing the impact of the Flat Tire Epidemic.

Volunteers who get overwhelmed with trying to reestablish a balanced life after marriage may feel guilty about being unable to fulfill their duties within the organization. They may end up quitting due to their feelings of guilt; they may learn to associate negative emotions such as feeling overwhelmed with volunteering, thereby resulting in leaving the organization. Rather than allowing this to happen, organizations should take preemptive measures. One suggestion: Initiate shadowing. When a core volunteer is headed towards marriage, recruit a newer volunteer with potential to shadow him/her. This volunteer will be trained thoroughly by the time the newlywed volunteer’s grace period begins. This will alleviate anxiety since the newlywed volunteer will already have enough to think about at that time! Also, ensure that each core volunteer has someone who is actively being trained just in case he/she needs someone to fill in. These suggestions will allow for a smooth and seamless transition, thereby maintaining the structure and efficiency of the organization.

• Role Change

Just as priorities in life and lifestyles change, so too should our roles as volunteers. Although you may be content in one volunteer role for some time, as you evolve, you may want your role to evolve with you. Your role as a volunteer should allow you to express your creativity and should be tailored to your specific skill set.

The natural transition for more experienced volunteers is to bring the knowledge, experience and skills they have gained over the years to their local communities. Halaqat, teaching weekend schools, getting more involved in masjid activities, etc. are all excellent options. After being involved in a certain organization for an extended period of time, volunteers should transition to other activities in order to effect the most change and reinvigorate themselves.

• Family Involvement

Inviting families, rather than strictly individuals, to participate within Islamic organizations is essential if we hope to retain volunteers who have recently become parents, as well as those who are newly married. A volunteer who has recently become a mother or father can assist with arranging for babysitting or a special room designated for mothers and their children (or fathers and their children) at Islamic events and lectures. These volunteers will have a vested interest in ensuring parents can continue to gain knowledge, particularly when they are striving to raise their kids to love our deen.

There is room to strike a balance between giving back to the community and being there for your family. Likewise, engaging in both these roles instead of choosing one or the other, can actually improve you as a parent and as an active member of the Muslim community. If children witness parents contributing to society, the future of the ummah immediately brightens. Children model the behaviors of those around them so if you aspire for your children to become integral parts of our community, you must do this first yourself. Build the foundation for your children and the future generation – the benefits reaped will be seen for years to come (and in the hereafter as well) insha’Allāh!

• Volunteer Appreciation

Islamic organizations need to provide a gratifying experience and environment for their volunteers. Being a volunteer can be a high-stress position; a frequent pick-me-up is very beneficial in ensuring the longevity of volunteers and helping them to resist burnout. Although we do this work to gain the pleasure of Allāh (subhanhu wa ta’ala), it is very difficult to maintain our stamina if we feel as though our efforts are being belittled or we are unappreciated.

A gesture of gratitude for the hard work of volunteers who have taken time from their busy schedules to ensure that an event runs smoothly goes a long way. Some of our volunteers actually miss out on many opportunities to listen to speakers because they are taking care of the “behind-the-scenes” action. The least that can be done for someone so dedicated is to send him/her a personal email thanking him/her for these efforts. Volunteer dinners or fun excursions should occur on a regular basis – at least twice a year – to show appreciation for all of the hard work being put into the organization. Never underestimate the value of sincerely thanking a person; if volunteers feel appreciated, they will excitedly continue to contribute to the organization.

We pray that this mini-series has spurred some positive thoughts regarding the backbone of our organizations: a sincere intention to strive for the sake of Allāh (subhanahu wa ta’ala) and the volunteers who act upon this everyday. Jazaakum Allahu khairan to all of the volunteers out there! Please continue to contribute to your communities – you are truly appreciated!

Fatima and Omar were “hard-core” volunteers.  They volunteered at Islamic events, lectures, their local masaajids- you name it!  If something needed to get done in the community, everyone knew that they could count on these two young and active Muslims.  It was only logical that these two would hear about one another through a mutual family friend and discover that they shared the same values.  Before you could say “Mabrook,” the details were finalized and Fatima and Omar were on their way to marital bliss.  Everyone was thrilled and expected great things from this Muslim Power Couple; I mean, two super active single Muslim volunteers should result in a super duper active Muslim volunteer couple, right?  WRONG!  Flat Tire Syndrome kicked in and Fatima and Omar were nowhere to be found.  What happened?!

The story of Fatima and Omar is one that we witness quite often in our communities.  Two young Muslims who are very active in their volunteer efforts, and constantly contribute to the betterment of the lives of their fellow brothers and sisters, get married and are suddenly no longer involved in Islamic activities.  We hope to elucidate some of the root causes of this phenomenon.

The Causes of the Flat Tire Epidemic:

Psychological Changes

A husband is necessarily different from a single brother and a wife is necessarily different from a single sister. Studies have shown that, psychologically, marital relationships result in a sense of well-being, a stronger sense of having a meaning in life, and additional emotional support.  All of these can contribute to a feeling of security and satisfaction. So why would this be a reason behind a decrease in volunteer involvement?  If people get a “warm & fuzzy” feeling from their spouse and gain a sense of satisfaction through marriage, they don’t need to seek these positive feelings through other activities, such as volunteering.

Also, the reward that comes from volunteering is something termed as delayed gratification.  Often volunteers do not always receive appreciation for what they do.  Of course the reward for working for the sake of Allāh awaits volunteers and this should be enough motivation but human beings are naturally inclined to prefer instant gratification.  In comparison: In a marriage, the norm is instant gratification as opposed to delayed gratification.  If a wife does something nice for her husband, she usually receives the appreciation she desires immediately through a smile or a hug.  Once a person becomes accustomed to this, it is difficult to content oneself with delayed gratification.

This does not imply that the intentions of these volunteers are in question; rather, it is a human instinct to naturally feel more motivated by results. So, if the result of making your spouse happy is immediate, which is the case in most scenarios, then one of the major driving forces behind being an active volunteer is already being satisfied by your interactions with your spouse.

Life Changes

A mental and emotional shift can occur when people get married because they have now been placed in a life role that is entirely different from anything else they have ever experienced.  This can definitely require an adjustment period.

Before marriage, Fatima and Omar were able to juggle a variety of their life roles.  Before they met each other, they were volunteers, a son or daughter, siblings, friends, students, employees… the list goes on.  Once they got married, another role was added to the list: spouse.  And this role was something very different for both of them.

Marriage comes with a new set of responsibilities, a new person with whom you spend the majority of your time, and a need to reprioritize. Every other portion of your life receives its due and, before marriage, most of your extra time can go towards your volunteering efforts.  However, after marriage it is necessary to reprioritize and give your spouse the attention that he or she deserves, which can cut into the time that you have available for volunteering.

Excitement and Lack Thereof

Marriage is a life-changing experience and is, naturally, more exciting than the other, more routine aspects in your life.  It captures your attention and, therefore, you dedicate more time to it.  Since you have been volunteering for several years, this becomes redundant and you prefer to dedicate your attention to your new and exciting marriage.  This is one of the reasons why, after the “newness” of marriage has expired, volunteers suddenly reappear and want to be involved once again- marriage is no longer providing the excitement it used to so attention can now be redirected to volunteering again.

Compare this excitement to the typical Muslim volunteer in the typical Muslim organization. They, the volunteers, tend not to grow within their organizations unless they are amongst the few core volunteers.  As a volunteer grows- in sense of responsibility, recognition, and position- excitement grows as well. This is, indeed, a major variable that affects the level of excitement within any individual. When this excitement goes away, psychologically, the level of creativity diminishes thereby resulting in a decrease in commitment.  This then results in a decline in dedication and consequently, the volunteer drops out of his/her assigned post.

Struggle Between the “Old School” and the New Generation of Volunteers

Just as technology is racing forward at an unprecedented speed, the gap between each generation and the next is continually grower wider than before.  One can clearly see the vastness of new ideas coming from younger and “hipper” crowds. There are plenty of examples, but consider: If you speak to a 35 year-old about Twitter and the marketing capabilities of Facebook, his/her answer will be remarkably different from the answer of a 25 year-old. With respect to volunteers, those who graduate from college, obtain a job in the corporate world and get married, have to take into account factors that are very different from the factors important in the life of a single college student with 12 credit hours. Therefore, the ingenuity of the younger generation is usually more optimal.

This creates a power struggle between the old school volunteers and the newer generation, causing both to become frustrated and discouraged. The difference is that the younger generation is more motivated and has less responsibility while the old school volunteer has family and work responsibilities that take precedent. Hence, the easy way out of this frustration is disappearing from the face of volunteerism.

Simply Put: Bad Management

Since amateur managers and leaders run most Muslim organizations, they usually lack the proper skills regarding how to keep those who are worth retaining as volunteers. This article was written to encourage both the management and the volunteers of Islamic organizations to realize why the loss of married volunteers is occurring and, hopefully, to attempt to fix it.

No doubt that it is always helpful to understand the underlying causes of an issue but it is even more useful to consider solutions for the issue at hand.  A treatment approach for the Flat Tire Epidemic (from an individual and organizational standpoint) will be provided in the upcoming issue… stay tuned!

Click on this link for a free video training series introducing specific concepts, actions, and exercises for single Muslimahs that goes along with this article: www.FindYourMrRight.com

Khadijah. Just saying her name instantly inspires me to want to be a stronger Muslimah, to sacrifice more, to discover her hidden strength and beauty she gave to her husband.

Khadijah. Who was this amazing, strong, beautiful, brilliant, pious, and noble woman? I don't mean who was she in the seerah text, but who was she? What was it like to be her friend, what events shaped her life. What would it have been like to sit down with her, over a meal, and talk. What kind of advice could she tell me about marriage, Mr. Right, and living until your last breath is gone, all for the sake of Allāh.

It is because of her that our deen begins with a legacy that starts, after Rasulullah, with a woman. After the Mercy of Allāh, it is because of her sacrifices that we are Muslims today.  She gave everything she had, all that she owned, from her hands, heart, and soul for Islam.

But, to appreciate this beautiful opportunity she had, we have to back up to a very significant moment in time. That moment, is where she asked her maid servant, to inquire about the young man who was working for her to see if he was available for marriage, and would consider her. A man who had a beautiful character, was honest, hardworking, trustworthy, and produced amazing results for her business.

Khadijah asked.

Khadijah, may Allāh's Mercy be upon her, asked about Prophet Muhammad for marriage.

She initiated the communication.

She sent someone on her behalf to find out if he was available for marriage.

And it was because she asked, that she got that blessed answer.

And with that answer, was the beginning of the of the greatest stories of love for all times, and also one of the greatest examples of a true muhsina and mumina.

A woman older than him, previously married with children, was inquiring about a younger bachelor, from one of the best tribes in town.  The honor of his acceptance wasn't just hers alone. It was his too. He was going to marry one of the most beautiful hearts in all of Mecca. A woman who's heart would sacrifice everything she had to support him, and Islam.

Khadijah asked.

Today, you're probably wondering when and how you will get married. You go to school, maybe then grad school, and after this begin a career. As time passes, the pressure begins to set in to get married.

But out there in the world, you see lots of single and available brothers that you could consider as a Mr. Right potential.

What I want you to realize, is that many Mr. Right potentials, have no idea you're available for marriage, ready to settle down, have time for a husband, or are willing to accept him for where he's at in his career and education. (After all, few brothers in their early 20s will have enough income saved up for a luxury wedding, vacation, apartment, and car all at once.) But I meet sisters who tell me that this isn't the main issue, that they can wait while he builds his career and financial situation up.

How is he ever going to know that you don't mind letting him build things up over time? After all, he is living under the impression of the same cultural status quo that you are.

I recently surveyed the brothers on our Practimate list, and told them I was teaching you to be proactive, similiar to Khadijah, in finding a husband, by sending a third party to inquire on their behalf, whether a mahram, or a trusted friend. I asked them if they thought this was weird, desperate, or something they would consider offensive.

Their responses broke the common myth!

One brother said

“It will be more helpful if the word is “out there” in an appropriate manner. I feel like the present times are a bit in transition where old systems are failing (the waiting game) and new systems are coming into play, and we are held up between the two. For my parents' time the waiting thing worked as it had the right setting from every perspective… “

Another brother said,

“A girl needs to put all the “games” aside and just be real with people. If that means that she tells he family about the brother…so they can talk with him, so be it. In fact, if a sister's family or someone she knows came to me telling me that a sister is interested in me, I would at the very least check it out; I would take the opportunity seriously. Khadija (R) sent someone to speak with the Prophet (saws) about marriage…she took the initiative, this also shows that a women is strong and willing to take charge when needed. The sister has to be a REAL, genuine person, down to earth (for it to work.)

In general, the idea of you sending someone, respectably speaking, to inquire with tactfulness, and in a good manner – not a “I have a friend who likes you” mentality, but again, with maturity and modesty, is something a mature man, ready for marriage, will appreciate.

Only 1% of the brothers who responded didn't agree with my recommendation. And it's not that he disagreed, rather he felt that men should be more pro-active themselves, if they really want to be married.
So why not pursue Mr. Right  like Khadijah?

Sadly, we have ignored this example (and others)  from Islam of women sending a “messenger” to inquire on their behalf about marriage.  That they were proactively involved in the marriage process.

Sisters accuse others of being desperate when they let others know they are looking to get married.

Families believe that a daughter must be sought after and it is shameful for a daughter and her family to approach a man for marriage.

And so, many beautiful, smart, educated, talented women are waiting and waiting for Mr. Right to knock on their father's door. And in the silence of a new beautiful day, when no one is looking you may feel sad and despair. Of course, you know all things are in the hands of Allāh. Of course, you know that there is reward in sabr, but you are like everyone else on the planet. A desire to marry, and one day to begin a new family.

So rather than judgment, and a discussion on the ideal bubble we all “should,” be living in:

It's time to re-examine our value system, and not forbid or look down upon something approved of and practiced by the best man on the face of the earth, and our Mother for all believers, one of the best women in human history.

The re-examination process, begins with you.

If you are ready to consider an alternative option for seeking out Mr. Right, then first, I want to mention that there are rules to this pro-active approach.

Here are some guidelines to follow anytime you are considering being the pro-active person in initiating marriage dialogue.

1) Never initiate something without having a wali or mahram having complete knowledge of what is going on. This protects you and the potential Mr. Right from ending up in a situation not pleasing to Allāh. You want to go through this process in a halal and dignified manner.

2) Send someone you trust to ask on your behalf, without initially revealing your identity. This way, you know if the brother is even available before revealing your personal information. One brother mentioned in the survey responses, that it's great to give a brother a heads up that someone is interested, because if he is talking to another sister already, then he can let the messenger know, and if it doesn't work out, he can come back and also let her know.

If he is interested, then have your “go between” share who you are, and ask the brother how you and your wali can contact him – but communication should always go back to your wali or mahram.

3) Pray istikhārah. We ask Allāh to guide us daily every time we say “Ihdina Siratul-Mustaqeem” in ṣalāh, but we are also blessed to have a special du'a just for making decisions.

The reality is that many brothers out there desperately want to get married, but feel there are so many hurdles to overcome to get there.

The first hurdle, is fearing rejection. Women tend to think men always have their act all put together, but they have their own batch of insecurities, and fears. It may make things easier for a man to consider you when he already knows you are interested. And if he isn't, he will be more confident in pursueing the right person for him in the future.

And what about you? Doesn't this put you on the line to face rejection. Of course it does, but you have two choices. Do nothing, and wait, and handle the challenges of just waiting, which is fine if this is the path you want to take. Or do something, be pro-active, and possibly meet your Mr. Right, and handle the challenges of asking.

In every other area of 'ibadah, we don't sit down and wait for it to come to us. For Hajj we save, for money we work, for knowledge we seek it out. Marriage doesn't have to be an exception.

Because Khadijah asked, so can you.

Megan is a Life Coach who is working with FindYourMrRight.com