The traditional period of courtship is relative from culture to culture, family to family. After the initial introduction, some families grant the prospective groom and bride a chance to meet in private, under supervision; others allow them to get to know each other on the telephone, via text or email. Some families encourage the potential couple to go out in public, usually in a group setting.  People can be introduced through families, well-meaning community members, matchmaking services, on-line matrimonial sites, through imams, teachers and friends with the preplanned goal being marriage. Perhaps a better term for it should be arranged courtship.

Since couples in arranged marriages come together as a result of their extended family and community, they naturally think of their relationship as part of something bigger than just the two of them.  Many couples have extremely happy, arranged marriages. Half my siblings and friends are in varying degrees of arranged marriages. My cousin had a totally arranged marriage. She did not meet her husband until the day before she got married. They are one of the happiest couple I know, māshā'Allāh.  I chose not to go that route, I met my husband in college but my marriage included the consent of my parents and my husband's family.

Just like non-arranged marriages, not every arranged marriage or proposal works out for a variety of reasons. Nor are arranged marriages the only way a Muslim can get married.

The difference between arranged marriages and forced marriages

Forced marriage, on the other hand, occurs when a man or woman is coerced by the family to marry, using threats, emotional blackmail, fraud, and even bribes. Arranged against the person will, without consent or consent under duress. That is not a marriage in Islam; it is oppression and abuse. Marriage is Islam requires ijab and a qubul (proposal and acceptance). Forcing a woman to marry a man means that there was no qubul, this is the right of a woman, regardless of her age.  Without it the marriage is a sham, like living in zinā.

Some parents use the tactic of not speaking to a son/daughter for months at a time to convince them to get married to the person of the parent's choice. This is akin to cutting of the ties of the womb, which is a sin.  Other families threaten to disown the offspring if he or she does not accept the prospective spouse especially if it is a cousin from the homeland. In other places, the women are not given the right to even think that they can say no. They are brainwashed from a young age to obey their parents even if their hearts are screaming 'NEVER.' I have read through pages of testimonies of young women and men suffering through forced marriages.

Among the rights of our parents is that we obey them but this obedience is not blind, deaf and dumb. A nikāḥ is a spiritual contract and you can not have a contract when one of the parties or both of the parties have not committed their body and soul to the other for the sake of God. That is marriage in Islam.

Why do parents do force their offspring into an unwanted marriage?

They love you, take care of you, your mother carried you in her womb for months, nursed you, cried at your every pain. Your father worked days and nights to provide for you. Then why is it when it comes to the time when they should be your protectors and support you in the most important decision of your life, they are willing to submit you to abuse?

Many, many times it is culture. It is often family pressure: they have made promises or commitments to their relatives. Sometimes, their relatives are emotionally blackmailing them by threatening to cut off family ties. What parents often do not realize is in wanting to keep their kinships intact, they are destroying their own children.

Other reasons include a perverted notion of 'izzah “family honor”, ensuring land, property and wealth remain within the family, preventing relationships considered to be “unsuitable” for example outside a specific ethnic, racial group, helping relatives or caste/tribe members with residency and citizenship issues, controlling unwanted behavior and sexuality (including perceived or real promiscuity, or worries that their offspring is gay), and to provide a caretaker for a person with mental and/or physical disabilities.

They sometimes think that being parents gives them rights which are not given to them by God.

Islamic Rulings

Marriage without consent- In the Shāfi'i and Ḥanbali school of thought- the majority of scholars are of the view that if a woman is married off without her consent, then the marriage contract is invalid, because it is a forbidden contract which cannot be validated.

According to the Ḥanafi school of thought, the contract is dependent upon the woman's acceptance. If she gives her consent then it is valid, otherwise she may annul it. See al-Mughni, 7/364; Fath al-Bāri, 9/194

If the son or daughter likes someone else: Ibn Muflih al-Ḥanbali (may Allāh have mercy on him) said: The parents have no right to force their son to marry someone he does not want.

Shaykh Ibn Tayymiyyah said: Neither of the parents has the right to force their son to marry someone whom he does not want, and if he refuses, he is not sinning by disobeying them, because no one has the right to force him to eat food he finds off-putting when there is food that he wants to eat, and marriage is like that and more so. Food that one is forced to eat is unpleasant for a short while, but a forced marriage lasts for a long time, and it harms a person and he cannot leave it.  Al-Adāb al-Shar'iyyah (1/447)

Concerning a minor: According to Mufti E. Desai, since Islām does not allow a minor to conduct business or make financial decisions for himself or herself, a marital contract of a minor falls under the same premise. However Islām does not give a father the right to use his children's wealth without their permission, so how can he be allowed to decide, without the daughter's permission, how her body (which is more important than her wealth) is to be used, specially when she disagrees.

Concerning a young woman or a widow/divorcee: Abu Hurayrah reported that the Prophet said: “A previously married woman may not be married without her command, and a never married woman may not be married without her permission; and permission for her is to remain silent.” (Al-Bukhāri, Muslim, and others) The exegis of this Prophetic tradition is that if she does not speak up that means that she is giving consent.  A wali (close male relative) is a command-executor in the case of the previously married woman, and is permission-seeker in the case of a never-married woman.

Relevant Hadith:

Khansa' bint Khizam al-Ansāriyyah said “My father married me to his nephew, and I did not like this match, so I complained to the Messenger of Allāh. He said to me “accept what your father has arranged.” I said “I do not wish to accept what my father has arranged.” He said “then this marriage is invalid, go and marry whomever you wish.” (Fathul Bāri, Sharah Al Bukhāri 9/194, Ibn Mājah Kitabun Nikah 1/602). In another version, she went to the Messenger of Allāh (ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam) and he annulled the marriage. Narrated by al-Bukhāri, 4845.

And it was narrated from Ibn ʿAbbās (may Allāh be pleased with him) that a virgin came to the Prophet (ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam) and told him that her father had married her off against her objections. The Prophet (ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam) gave her the choice. Narrated by Abu Dāwūd, 2096.

According to scholars you should also not fear your parents du'ā' against you or their being angry with you, because that is a sinful du'ā' which Allāh will not accept from them, inshā'Allāh, unless you are transgressing against them, and not giving them their other rights. Because it is permissible for you to marry without adhering to their wishes, you will not be sinning or doing wrong. (From Islamqa)

Another misconception is that the bride and groom are not allowed to see each other before the marriage and this is somehow Islamic. The man has permission to see her face before agreeing to marry as the Messenger of Allāh (ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam) said, “Go and look at her (the woman you are considering marrying) because this will help your time together to be strengthened. ” (Ahmad) If our eyes are the path to our heart- how can the One who made us, forbid us from looking at the person who will become the most intimate part of our lives.

Some advice for someone being forced to get married

If you are facing circumstances where you are getting married against your will then SPEAK up! You are not your parent's property.  Don't ruin your life or your future spouse's life- s/he may not even know that you do not want to get married and will have to suffer through a loveless marriage for the rest of his/her life. You don't marry someone for your parent's sake, for your family's sake, or for anyone's sake.

You should actively and patiently do the following:

1. Very politely show your parents/guardians the relevant ayahs in the Qurʾān and refer them to the Sunnah, ḥadīth, opinions of scholars that Islam does not accept a forced marriage and gives the person the choice in regards to nikāḥ .

2. Ask your circle of mature friends and family especially your religious ones to talk to your parents on a regular basis. Impress on them that THEY are NOT exempt from ḥisāb (accounting) for not obeying the Qurʾān in their pride. The Qurʾān forbids us from following in the footsteps of our parents/grandparents if they are in the wrong. They sometimes think that being parents gives them rights which are not given to them by God.

3. Talk to your local imam/ youth group leader to speak to your parents.

4. Most importantly pray to Allāh- humbly, in qiyām (night prayers) , asking HIM to guide your parents and to prevent a social and personal disaster.

5. Make istikhārah (prayer of counsel).

6. Seek out professional help. There are many organizations that can help you if you are being forced into a marriage.

Why are you refusing the match?

Analyze your reasons for refusing the match. Keep in mind marriage among families or friends of your family can work and so can marriages between two people raised in two different parts of the world. As long as there is mutual love and respect and a deep desire to keep the relationship focused around Allāh. In our community here in California, a young man recently married his cousin from India who is 4 years older than him. But it was his choice. He went to visit and liked her demeanor and personality.  He approached his parents and māshā'Allāh they are attending college together and just had their first baby.

If you honestly cannot stand the person or do not know enough about them to make a wise decision, or are not physically attracted to them, then let someone know.  Consider if you are spiritually on the same level as them? Are they better than someone you can find on your own?  Can you relate to them? Can you communicate with them? Do you share common goals and values? If the answers to all these questions are NO then please do NOT agree to the marriage.

However, do not reject the concept of marriage to a prospect introduced by your parents or your family just because you don't want an arranged marriage. S/he may turn out to be your soulmate.

Seeing the Truth

Little by little, day by day, as she continued her irrational behavior, my mother's abuse began to finally wear down on the affection, trust and admiration I had for her. One day we had an altercation in which she crossed the line, saying something I never thought I would hear my mother say about me. It pushed me to seek counseling and severely marred the love I had for my mother. Through counseling I was better able to handle the situation at home, but it was still very challenging. Then one day my mother crossed the line once again. After an internet search, I determined that she had a serious mental illness. Although I am not a psychiatrist and cannot officially diagnose her, a mental illness is the only way to make sense of my mother's non-sensical behavior. Although I recently made this realization, I can see in hindsight that it was prevalent throughout my life.

It was upon this realization that I picked up a book on child abuse titled, Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, PhD. Dr. Forward, who has written books on other forms of abuse, chose the word toxic purposely to make a point about the effects of abuse. In these pages, where she discussed her clients and their journey towards healing, I read my life. Here, in black and white, were accounts of other people who had similar experiences and feelings that I had. In this book was, almost word for word, things my parents had said to me, how my siblings and responded (differently) to the abuse and my own thoughts and behaviors. I was finally validated and I confirmed, for myself, that I was not crazy, that what my parents did was not only wrong but happened to many other children.

Unfortunately, this was a secular book. There are no books, websites, lecture series or even pamphlets about child abuse or mental illness in the Muslim world that I know of. Even if there are, they are not popular enough that I could find them easily. Forums discussing mental illness and child abuse are filled with, produced and moderated by non-Muslims and secular knowledge.

Another helpful book was regarding dealing with loved ones with mental illness. In the book and on their website, I found people's account of their own loved ones behaviors that exactly matched my mother's. It confirmed for me that my mother does not think or behave normally and is in fact mentally ill.

As for my father, since I always knew his behavior was abnormal and my mother had always tried to label him with a mental illness; I never made an attempt to understand him.  I now see that things were not always what they seemed between him and my mother. Even though he continued hitting me into my adulthood and still has something mean to say, he has simmered down significantly. I've begun to see what seem like hints of a guilty conscience in his face, as if he is finally realizing the consequences of his crimes. He now teeters between giving me the personal space that I ask for and demanding love and admiration I feel he never planted in me.  Although it can never excuse his behavior, (and though he still tries) it may be that his mind cannot truly fathom the hurt he inflicted upon me, why I feel the way that I do, or why I cannot love him the way he feels I should.

Suggestions for Solutions

Acceptance

Acceptance is the most painful but most important first step towards resolving the issues within oneself. Denial means believing that nothing is wrong and therefore that nothing must be done. In order to change the status quo, you must first believe there is something wrong with the status quo. We put our parents on such pedestals, expecting the best of them and believing they have our best interest at heart; so much so, that it is hard for us to admit our parents can be abusive. As bad as it feels for me to know that I have mentally ill and abusive parents, who I cannot trust or expect love and acceptance from, it is far worse to keep chasing the carrot on the stick in trying to please them and earn their love and acceptance. I still do my best to respect them and do some things I know will please them, but I don't do it believing it will change their behavior towards me. I know they will never change until they get the help they need and they will never get the help they need until they admit there's a problem.

I accept the qada' and qadr of Allāh; these are my parents and this is my life's challenge. I accept it even though I do not like it (and Allāh does not ask us to like our hardships). I accept that I do not enjoy my family's company nor like my parents (and If you think it is bad for a person to say they do not like their parents, imagine how it is to say it and feel it). Now I must learn how to fully accept who I am and who my parents are and to deal with them as they are. As others who have been through this can attest, it is a grieving process. Having mentally ill parents is like losing a parent who is still alive; they are physically there but mentally they are not who you thought or hoped they were. My heart aches with a lingering grief that is fed by my parents' continued hurtful behaviors.

Forgiving, but not Forgetting

Although this is probably one of the hardest things to do for someone who has been hurt as deeply as a child who was abused by their parents, forgiveness is essential for the relief of one's soul. In Toxic Parents, Susan Forward says that one does not have to forgive one's parents. I believe, as a Muslim, we should forgive those who have wronged us and that we should also know the limits of our relationship with them. We can forgive someone who robs us, for instance, but that does not mean we invite them into our house. Likewise, abused children should learn to forgive their aggressors, but know that their dealings with them cannot be like that of “normal” families. There must be boundaries, limits and some distance to protect oneself from harm and to prevent enabling of negative behavior.

I believe forgiveness is a journey, not a destination, that takes a lot of healing and personal work. I still bear some anger, resentment, and dislike for my parents and their actions, especially since they still continue their abuse, but it is significantly less than when I started my journey. Knowing that they were abused themselves and that they are suffering from mental illnesses (according to me) does not make it easier for me. In fact, I feel sadder because I know that they, too, are in pain and that if they were to seek professional help and work through the pain, they would begin to heal and get better themselves. I feel sad to think of them dying in such a state, never knowing or feeling connected with each other or their children. I feel sad to think that, if they die before me, that I will never know what it is like to truly love and be loved by a parent. This helps in my path towards forgiveness for me, but I cannot forget. They continue to be harsh and cruel and I have to place a barrier between us.

Recognition, Awareness, and Acknowledgment

Parents can and do abuse their power of authority and misuse/misinterpret verses of the Quran to take advantage of their children. When nothing is mentioned about child abuse, rights of children or obligations of parents, the problem continues. From childhood to adulthood, I believed there was nothing I could do to stop my parents' behavior or to save myself from the attacks. I was told that parents can say or do anything they want and there's nothing the child can do about it (because even saying “uff” was a sin). With my parents having such rights over me, I felt I had no one to talk to and that if I tried, I would be told to be patient, to not speak ill of my parents and to try harder to please my parents. Furthermore, since my parents were known as good people in the community, who would believe me? It would be my word against my parents and, for sure, my parents would call me a liar and say how I twist the truth to make myself look like the victim (exact words my mother has said).

Many people do not recognize their parents behavior as abusive and some parents, who may have been abused themselves, do not recognize their own behavior as abusive. I have heard other people tell me that their parents call them stupid, fat, lazy, ugly, worthless, good-for-nothing and I knew that there were other families like mine in our community.  I knew because my mother would tell me about them. In fact, she would compare their situation to ours and tell me “at least your father isn't as bad as so-and-so”. Nothing was ever said or done because it was a cultural norm (although my mother did admit it was wrong of my father to hit us).

When abused children grow up and have children of their own, if they believed their parents had their best interest in mind and raised them up properly, they will repeat the same mistakes their parents did. One prime example of this is Amy Chua, author of Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, a memoir of her parenting techniques. She received lots of criticism when an excerpt of her book was published detailing how she pushed her children hard to be the best, accepting nothing less. Just as her parents had raised her, nothing less than an A was acceptable and she expected them to learn and master a musical instrument. In fact, she prevented her daughter from eating, drinking, sleeping or using the restroom until she perfected a musical piece. Chua called her daughter garbage, lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent and pathetic. so that she would push herself harder and never give up. She felt she was exercising good parenting that would give her children the best chances of being successful. Even if they are “successful” (by her or societal standards), the psychological damage she did to her children will most likely create emotional and mental problems.

Like Chua, many Muslims, especially immigrants, believe they are doing what is best for their child, just as their parents did to them. Chua explained that her parents, like many immigrant parents, adapted this way of parenting from their countries of origin and that it was “western” styles of parenting that were creating unsuccessful, careless adults who failed to achieve their full potential. The behavior, however acceptable in other cultures, is nothing less than abuse.

Imams and Shuyukh need to speak about it and open their doors and hearts to those suffering in silence. We also need to have problem solving and life skill workshops for people, like me, in these situations to know how to deal with it. Telling someone to just be patient, to just forgive or to ignore it is very caustic. It is like leaving an open wound untreated and exposed to the germ-filled air – it will not heal and will only get worse. The abuse tears at a person's self-esteem and self-worth, just as water dripping on a rock slowly erodes it. Child abuse is a legacy, usually passed down from generation to generation; those who abuse their children were more likely than not abused themselves as kids. If we do not resolve to cure this disease, we allow it to let it spread and infect the ummah, killing us from within.

Even if you cannot empathize what it feels like to have abusive parents or how someone cannot like their parents, acknowledge and validate that this is true for the person going experiencing it. Understand that not all parents are as loving and caring as they should be and that it is not possible for everyone to please their parents or avoid disobeying them. No one wants to or likes to displease their parents. We seek our parents' approval in life; they are our mirrors. It is heart-wrenching to look into either parent's eyes and see disappointment. But when there is dysfunction in the brain's processes, when there is mental illness, is very challenging to please that person. They have a set standard that is difficult, if not impossible, to reach and will only lead to denial and sacrifice of one's self to achieve.

Know that when so much emphasis is put on rights of the parents, treating them with respect and not disobeying them and none on the obligations of parents and right of their children, that it creates an advantage for abusive parents and a detriment to the abused child. Just as I did growing up, they may feel lower than dirt because their parents are displeased with them simply for being different and expressing their individuality . Although I know my parents' labeling me a disobedient child is based on irrational and unattainable standards, I still feel guilt and fear when I hear that disobedience to parents is a major sin.

Counseling, Support Groups, and Books

I believe everyone can benefit from psychological counseling, regardless of whether they have been abused or live with mental illness (in one way or another). A Muslim counselor is ideal, but not always possible and, depending on the therapist, may not even be helpful. Some counselors have received sensitivity training to deal with first generation americans and/or Muslim clients.

Support groups in your area or online may also be helpful; it helped me feel less alone when I knew someone understood the pain of what I was going through. Some states have support groups for adult children of child abuse and other support groups offer help for loved ones of those suffering from mental illness.  Although it was formed for people with alcoholic family members, Al-Anon has been suggested for those dealing with abuse, dysfunctional families and/or someone with a mental illness

There are many self-help books that can help a person set healthy boundaries, deal with their emotions and heal the pain. There are none for or by Muslims that I know of and this is an area which we need to become active in.

Closing Remarks

Even though I received validation from books and my counselors, I still feel isolated and unsupported by the Muslim community. I still sense that my story will be seen as another child trying to complain about or blacken their parents who are only doing what's best for their child(ren). I still believe that there are very few, if any, imams or scholars who will stand beside me and give me validation and guidance to do what is right and best for me and my health. It took us many years to finally acknowledge spousal abuse amidst our Ummah and yet we still struggle to support our sisters going through it. How long then will it take us to finally admit to the problem of child abuse in Muslim families? And while women's shelters and domestic violence programs/workshops are being developed to help women abused by their husbands to escape, what can Muslim children who are abused by their parents do? While staying with abusive parents is detrimental to their health,  abused children cannot divorce their parents nor, if they are minors or financially dependent, can they leave their homes.

Alhamdulillah, I am one of the fortunate ones who has sought and found help through counseling. I recognize the problems within my family and myself and aspire to help others in similar situations to recognize that they are not at fault, that they can and should respect themselves by not subjecting themselves to the verbal and emotional abuse. We, as an ummah, need to begin discussing the effects of domestic violence on children; if a spouse is being abused, the children in the family may be abused as well. If the abused spouse refuses to seek help or admit that there is abuse, the children will continue to be in harm's way.

Māshā'Allāh, according to my counselor, I have made great shifts in my way of being within myself and with my family. My work with my counselor and with myself (through books and practices) are based on the goals of healing, forgiving and moving on, to undo damage that was (and is) caused by living in such a household. There is no way all the damage can be undone, but at least its impact can be lessened.  I have learned to set healthy boundaries, learned to respect myself, and learned to remove myself from a harmful situation. I now know that I can respect my parents and respect my own need for safety, that honoring my parents does not mean I have to listen to them berate me, and that walking away is not a sin when it is done respectfully.

I feel a sort of catharsis from releasing what I have hid from even my most trusted and closest friends and sense some healing from using my negative experience to invoke positive change. In telling my story, I hope to raise awareness, fuel discussion and inspire others to start talking about a topic that has deeply affected my livelihood and the lives of thousands of Muslims. Although I submit this anonymously, by finally speaking out and being heard, I choose to have a voice for myself and for those who feel they cannot speak. I choose to remain anonymous to protect myself from unwanted attention and unneeded pity or sympathy, and to protect the identities of my family members. Everything written here is true and this is only a glimpse of what I went and still go through. I pray it benefits the ummah to have this brought out into the open. May Allāh protect us all from such hardships and help those of us who've lived through it to heal. Āmīn.

Drifted and Forgotten

The flourishing of prostitution in Muslim countries is a paradox that we often overlook as a problem of our ummah. As prostitution is condemned and forbidden in Islam, and these women, to an extent, are marginalized and invisible in our community, many of us are not aware of the magnitude and realities of this problem. We do not consider them as a cause worth fighting for as we do for the betterment of the poor, abused, homeless, oppressed and ailing. To make matters worse, misinformation is widespread and the voices of former prostitution victims are systematically silenced.

Among the factors contributing to the widespread practice of prostitution among Muslim countries include:

• The denial of the existence of such problems in our community
• Spreading of the truth impedes men's comfort and pleasure in using women
• Hindrance of profitability of the industry, especially for those players who are politically connected
• Prostitution is too horrible of a practice, a highly stigmatized taboo subject, that people would rather not hear details about

Majority of us may have the idea that prostitution is a choice and the women enjoy what they do. The reality is quite the contrary for many of them. On many occasions, deprivations, conflicts, and difficult circumstances often lead to desperation, and desperation forces these women into the practice of prostitution. Many are uneducated women who live in poverty and possess few marketable skills. My research finds that prostitutes are many times:

• single mothers making ends meet for their children.
• victims of incest and sexual abuse.
• manipulated homeless teenagers.
• displaced sufferers of human trafficking.
• They are distraught girls with failed early marriages.
• They are refugees who fled from their war-torn countries.

While we criminalize them for living in adultery, spreading diseases, disrupting family institutions, and giving birth to innocent, illegitimate children who suffer for having dishonorable mothers, we fail to see the other spectrum of the consequences of prostitution. The consequences are not only devastating to the society, but also to the prostitute herself as a person. It completely destroys her already shattered life, being reduced down to a depersonalized, sexual object.  She develops a personality where she is unable to develop trust in relationships and slowly numbs herself, to the point where she loses the ability to feign attachments to anyone or anything.  In order to survive this overwhelming, daily ordeal, she dissociates from her real self, originally as a defense mechanism; sadly, it reaches to the point of complete shut down, where she is stripped of her identity, and over time, she disappears.

In addition, where violence against women is considered, prostitution is usually exempted from this category. However, the health effects of prostitution are similar; injuries, infections, and psychological stress are suffered by women subjected to prostitution as well as other forms of violence against women. Apart from sexual violence, prostitutes experience physical violence by their pimps, brothel owners, and clients as a means to keep them under control. Homicide is a frequent cause of death for women in prostitution. They are vulnerable to sexually transmitted diseases, pelvic inflammatory disease, and cervical cancer, not to mention their risk of unwanted pregnancies, which often lead to a lack of prenatal care or unsafe abortions. Moreover, they may suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, anxiety, and, eventually, may resort to substance abuse as a coping mechanism. The vicious cycle then continues.

I believe that no woman in her right mind would want to be a sex slave.  In  prostitution, research involving nine countries revealed that when the prostitutes were asked, 'What do you need?', 89% responded that they desired to 'leave prostitution' (Farley, 2003). This was followed by 'job training', 'home or safe place', 'health care', 'individual counseling' and other supportive measures.

But what about those women who openly confess they enjoy being prostitutes? Let it be known, few prostitutes who have come to profit from advocating the legalization of prostitution, writing columns in porn magazines and websites, and scheduling appearances on talk shows should not hold water to the overwhelming number of prostitutes who silently suffer from prostitution. Some leading pro-sex work advocates of legalized prostitution have been convicted on pimping charges although they themselves claim that they are common prostitutes and are not involved in organizing crimes against prostituted women. Even sex worker rights leader, Carol Leigh, has said herself in a 2004 debate, “95% of my friends want out of prostitution.”

Recently we interviewed a prostitute new to the 'job', joining this year. She is a 29-year old single mother, divorced, with three children, and with no financial support. During the day she takes care of her children, and at night she leaves them with her sister and goes to 'work'. Every night she goes to her pimp's house which serves as a prostitution site and meets her clients there. On average she has three clients per night, majority of whom are married men. When we asked her why she chose this job, she replied that it's the only suitable job for her that pays enough to support her children. When we asked her whether she wants to get out from it, she answered “if it's possible I want to stop doing this right this moment. I live in constant fear and worry that I might be caught by authorities”.

Fortunately, prostitution is illegal in most Muslim countries, the exceptions being Turkey and Indonesia.  However, despite its illegality, there are hubs in our own soil making millions out of the industry. Inadequate law enforcement, economic instability, poor planning to improve standards of living, and the community turning a blind eye to prostitution make this problem difficult to control. Moreover the pimps and traffickers bribe authorities to sustain the illegal operations, and there are even authorities who take advantage of the prostitutes. The woman I mentioned earlier told us that there were police and even religious officers who come to them as clients.

What can we do to help?

In regions where prostitution remains legal, it may be easier to reach out to them because they are registered under the profession and therefore can be identified. For example, in Turkey, sociologists and psychologists interviewed 3,000 registered prostitutes working at brothels to determine whether they had been forced into the job and if they would prefer another line of employment.

On the other hand, where prostitution is generally illegal, it is difficult and rather unsafe to reach them. Many things can happen if you are at the wrong place at the wrong time. They fear that 'outsiders' would turn them in to the authorities to be penalized, especially the prostitutes who are linked to pimps, traffickers, and corrupt officials.  There was a case in Iraq in 2008, where Soran Hama, a journalist of the Kurdish Lvin magazine, was shot by unidentified gunmen in front of his house weeks after he had written a detailed report on police involvement in a major Kirkuk prostitution ring.

What we can do to reach out is put them in contact with experienced volunteers from reputable organizations such as NGOs working on reproductive and health education, or NGOs that conduct programs to keep children from red-light districts in school. By slowly reaching out and engaging with them, it is hoped that mutual trust can be built and they can be convinced that a way out is possible, that there are people who would support them and give them protection, that there are people who will not judge and stigmatize them.

We should include them in income-generating programs so that they can have a regular income, which hopefully would decrease the chance of them resorting back to prostitution. Sponsorship should be raised to enable their children to attend and stay in school, as education plays a vital role to break them free from the poverty trap and further prevent them from entering prostitution.

On a larger scale, there should be a focus shift to criminalize the buying rather than the selling of sex. The burden of punishment should be on the clients who perpetuate the sex trade rather than the women who are trapped in the situation. For example, in Sweden, prostitution is officially acknowledged as a form of male sexual violence against women and children. Swedish policy addresses the issue of prostitution and trafficking by focusing on the root cause, and recognizing that without male demand and use of women and girls for sexual exploitation, the global prostitution industry would not be able flourish and expand. As a result, street prostitution has diminished. Granted, critiques have been directed to the government for making prostitution go underground and sex being sold over the internet is a growing problem; at least sources of evil cannot be accessed easily.

Rather than consistently playing the blaming game and condemning them to hell, as a community we should take whatever measures necessary to assist them to escape prostitution. These desperate individuals need our help and understanding in order to believe they can lead better lives.  They need to be pulled out from the pit so that they can regain their dignity, integrate back into society, and return to their senses, rest assured that Allāh and their Muslim brothers and sisters have not neglected them.

Allāh says in Sūrat'l-Nūr :

Indeed, those who like that immorality should be spread [or publicized] among those who have believed will have a painful punishment in this world and the Hereafter. And Allāh knows and you do not know [24:19].

Sticks and Stones May Break my Bones but Words will never Hurt Me….

“My husband thinks I am stupid. He thinks I can never learn Arabic because I don't have the brains to.” A sister said while she was seeking advice about her marital discords.  She has been married for more than 10 years and has been verbally abused throughout her marital life.  When I first met her, she appeared very unconfident and insecure. I was not sure if she had always been like that or if the marital verbal abuse had turned her into a self-doubting, vulnerable person.

According to her, her husband puts her down and calls her all sorts of names even in front of the children. He constantly undermines her abilities and compares her with other “accomplished” women. He is very judgmental and I realized that she has no more self-esteem left in her.

She described her husband as someone who loves to criticize her, calls her all kinds of degrading names, even in the presence of their children. He undermines her abilities and compares her with other“accomplished” women. It seems like that he had been very judgmental throughout their marital life and perhaps that is the reason why she has no more self-esteem left in her.

Unfortunately, this is not the case with just one family, rather verbal abuse in marital relationships has been a major problem in the Muslim communities.

Perhaps it is phrases like, 'sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me,' that is not only inherently wrong but has encouraged verbal abuse and underestimated its evil affects on the abused. The truth of the matter is that verbal abuse hurt as badly if not more than the physical abuse.

Confusion about Verbal Abuse vs. Physical Abuse:

Those men and women who have not been physically abused by their wives and husbands but are verbally abused on a daily basis remain confused whether or not they are in a damaging relationship.

Unlike physical abuse, verbal abuse is difficult to identify. Once a person has been hit, it is a physical abuse. There is no need to be confused because the bruises are visible. On the other hand, verbal abuse is more dangerous because there is no “apparent” damage. Yet, it causes internal destruction, leaves invisible scars, wounded spirit and low self-esteem.

Verbal abuse can be done by either spouse. In some cases, the perpetrator is the wife who not only verbally abuses her husband but drags his whole family along the way.

Islam recognizes the evil of verbal abuse and perhaps that's why there is so much emphasis on guarding one's tongue and keeping others secured from its invisible harm.

“A true believer is not involved in taunting, or frequently cursing (others) or in indecency or abusing.”' (al-Tirmidhi)

If this is the right of a regular Muslim, then how much more so a wife or husband is entitled to be safe from verbal abuse and taunting.

In another narration, the Prophet of Allāh said:

“…Cursing a believer is like murdering him.” (Al-Bukhāri and Muslim)

SubḥānAllāh, how true are the words of the Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam who thoroughly acknowledge that, in fact, harsh tongue and cursing is as painful and harmful as murdering someone.

Hence, those husbands who are duped into thinking that they are free from being abusive because they have never raised their hands on their wives, yet, frequently curse or use abusive/foul language should take heed in the words of the Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam. And so should the wives who have been using harsh tongue against their husbands.

Break the Cycle:
If you are in a verbally abusive relationship, then change your situation. Remember YOU have to break the pattern.  The first step is to acknowledge your spouse's verbal abuse.

Ask yourself the following questions:

●Do you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner?
●Do you feel threatened, humiliated, helpless or depressed?
●Do you feel as though you cannot do anything right?
●Does your spouse belittle you?
●Does your partner have complete control over your bank accounts?
●Does your spouse ignore or disregard your achievements?
●Does your partner blame you for all of your marriage problems?[i]

Oppression must not be encouraged whether physical or verbal. Find the courage to change your situation.

●Communicate with your spouse. You should not be intimidated to talk to your spouse.
●Set Limits: be specific what you can tolerate and what you cannot.
●Seek help: your spouse must not have any problem should you get a third party involved to seek help
●See a therapist: be careful who you chose for therapy

●See a Religious Counselor:

1. If you chose to speak with a shaykh, make sure he has enough time to listen to your problem thoroughly.
2. Do not catch the shaykh during the prayer breaks for 10-15 minutes.
3. Make an appointment.
   Make sure the shaykh spends enough time to listen to your complain and your spouse's and give step by
   step advice to both of you.
4. Make a follow up appointment to ensure the benefits of
   his advice.

A “Henpecked” Husband

In some cultures, eastern and western, a kind and affectionate husband is considered “henpecked” by family and friends. Consequently, to prove otherwise husbands may resort to verbal harshness in public or even in private. Let them be reminded, that in the eyes of Allāh 'azzawajal, the Ultimate Judge, their strength as husbands is not shown in how much verbally they can abuse their wives, rather:

“The strong man is not one who wrestles well but the strong man is one who
controls himself when he is in a fit of rage.”

And the excellence of a man has been described in his good manners and in his control over his tongue. And the excellence of a man has been described in his good manners and in his control over his tongue. Abu Musa Al-Ash`ari (ra) reported: I asked the Messenger of Allāh, ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam:

“Who is the most excellent among the Muslims?” He said, “One from whose tongue and hands the other Muslims are secure.”

(Al-Bukhāri and Muslim)
This right is exceedingly due upon the wives. If a wife is not secured form her husband's tongue then it merely shows the weakness, cowardliness and lowliness of a man's character not his strength

Woman's Harsh Tongue:

Sisters remember the story of the two women, one prayed and fasted and performed extra acts of worship yet she was known to be very harsh with her tongue towards others. The other women performed her obligatory acts of worship but she was very polite to towards others and didn't hurt anyone with her tongue. The first one was from the women of hellfire and the second was from the people of Jannah.

If this is the case in dealing with others, just imagine what will happen if a wife, consistently, uses harsh tongue towards her husband, who has most rights over her politeness, respect and kind treatment.

وقولوا قولاً سديداً

Allāh 'azzawajal says (which means):

O you who have believed, fear Allāh and speak words of appropriate justice قولا سديدا
. He will [then] amend for you your deeds and forgive you your sins…

(Sūrat'l-Aḥzāb:71)

In this verse

قولا سديدا

has a very profound meaning. It doesn't merely mean just speech rather these are the words through which a person connects with the world around him/her. A spouse is the one a person most frequently interacts with hence the one most entitled toقولا سديدا  .

It doesn't merely mean just speech rather these are the words through which a person connects with the world around him/her. A spouse is the one a person most frequently interacts with hence the one most entitled to قولا سديدا. These words (everyday speech) are from the characteristics that separate a person from the other creatures and these words are the means by which a person makes himself/herself either from the people of Hell or people of Jannah.[ii]

Lastly, those brothers and sisters who are in emotionally abusive relationship must realize that verbal abuse is often worse than physical abuse. Words hurt and can be more harmful than physical pain. Also, patience through verbal abuse (though will be rewarded by Allāh'azzawajal inshā'Allāh) can and will have damaging effects on the children. Not only at the time when they are growing up but on how it shapes their personality and what type of spouses would they turn out to be in future. Mostly, sons will follow their father's footsteps and daughters will follow their mother's. Hence, be cautious of what you are putting your children through and take a stand for yourself and for your children.

[i] http://www.marriagemax.com/blog/how-to-stop-verbal-and-emotional-abuse/

This article was written anonymously and submitted through Salma Elkadi Abugideiri, a Licensed Professional Counselor.

In light of recent events highlighting domestic violence in our ummah, there is an unspoken casualty in the war of domestic violence. Abusive spouses may also be abusive parents. Furthermore, an abused spouse may in turn lash out and abuse the children from all the built up frustration and anger within the marriage. This is is how it was in my home.

The bad beginning

Although pictures speak a thousand words, our family photos never spoke the truth of what went on behind closed doors. Our house had been built with sturdy walls, but our home lacked a true and strong foundation of love. Both of my parents immigrated to the United States and, like most immigrants, brought along their cultural baggage and mindset. Although I will never know objectively how their marriage was in the beginning, according to my mother my father was verbally and physically abusive towards her. Growing up, I watched my parents fight with such passion and intensity that I am surprised, but thankful, that neither of them killed the other (although my mother did threaten my father with various sharp objects during some of their disputes). Nasty words were tossed back and forth like a tennis match, each one trying to beat the other at the vicious game. Sometimes my siblings and I would stand up for our mother, resulting in our father telling us to shut up and stay out of it, even retaliating against us.

My parents' disputes could and would start over anything and everything, although money and invalidating of feelings were two strong sparks. My mother believed divorce was not an option because she could not work and support all of us herself. My father did divorce my mother once in a fit of anger, but then asked for her back. He told me he loved my mother and would never want to divorce her as this would break our family apart. Despite the illusion that our family is together, it is broken.

This was the marriage upon which our family was built. Children were brought into this environment because, like many people, my parents never questioned their ability to be good role models nor pondered the responsibility that came with having kids. In fact, it's a rite of passage – school, marriage and then children  – and there is no question or deviation from this. As you might imagine, it was not a nurturing nor loving atmosphere to grow up in. Before we were old enough to understand or defend ourselves, we were thrown into the battlefield and became targets of violence and psychological warfare

Faces behind the masks

People are often shocked when they learn about a domestic violence case, when they discover a person's true nature and their hidden actions within the confines of their house. The truth is, looks can be deceiving and there is no way to distinguish someone who is abusive from one who is not by their outward appearance. Usually, the only ones who know the real faces behind the masks are those being abused and anyone the victims choose to tell.

There are no tell-tale signs of abusive parents, dysfunctional families or “victims” of abuse. My parents are practicing Muslims who frequent Islamic events and outwardly show their devotion to Islam. My father prays Jumuah and both Fajr and Isha in the masjid. My mother watches religious programs, wears hijab, goes to Umrah whenever she can and is well known and well loved in our community. Our family spends 'Īd together, goes out to dinner together and even laughs together. We visit other families and other families visit us. None of us children are anti-social deviants; we all have friends and are active participants in society. We are all highly educated, having all graduated from college and some of us graduate school.

While outwardly we all seemed “normal”, as is typical of dysfunctional families, each on of us children had our “adapted roles”.  Mine was that of the lost child, the one who stayed out of trouble and was mostly overlooked and ignored.  Unlike my siblings who rebelled in their own ways and at different times of their lives, I remained a “straight-edge” Muslim.  I never drank, smoked, did drugs, had friends of the opposite gender or premarital relationships.  I earned good grades, never hung out with “the wrong crowd and, even if I argued it, I never stayed out past my curfew. As hard as I tried to be good, I was never good enough.

My parents treated me differently based on their moods. My father's emotions vacillated between extreme highs (happiness, giddiness, etc) and extreme lows (seclusion, aggression, verbal abuse). He was never big on words of love or kindness, and the primary way he supported us was financially. He never really talked to us except to blame us for something or to insult us. When he was in a jovial mood, he would smile, sing and encouraged me to smile and be happy. To show how fluctuating his mood was, one time he hit me so hard and so many times with a slipper, it broke. Almost immediately after this, he joked that I would now have to buy him a new one. There were at least three times that his violence left marks on my face, leaving me to face the public with signs of his rage. If I was asked about what happened, I fabricated something about hurting myself. My mother scared me that from ever telling the truth, saying that the police would come arrest my father and take us away, creating a scandal in our family. I was also too ashamed to admit to anyone, even my closest friends, that my father physically abused me; I wanted to be a normal child with normal parents, not a victim to be pitied.

While my father was a raging bull, my mother was a wolf in sheep's clothing, hiding her abuse amidst kindness and affection. She was the “savior” against my father and had a very generous, sweet and giving demeanor when she was in a proper mood. I will not deny that she did many wonderful things for me and in fact, when she was nice, it was great to be with her. But, in a Jekyll/Hyde or Bruce Banner/Hulk fashion, when she unleashed her anger, it was explosive rage. Although she never hit me, I was a figurative punching bag on which she used insults, humiliation and expressions of anger instead of kicks and punches.

Despite “keeping my nose clean”, my mother still found reasons to unleash her anger at me.  One day, after spending time with a known and trusted friend, I came home to hear my mother telling my father how I was trying to be rebellious like my siblings. It was between 10:30 and 11:00 pm, a time which I had come home before without any repercussions and for someone in their late 20′s, was not an “unGodly time” to come home at.  When she heard me coming, she burst out of the front door without her hijab on, screaming at me that I was no longer her child, disowning me until the Day of Judgment and that she would put this in writing and send it to several shuyukh.  She also locked the door and told my father not to let me in. Even if I was out doing evil things, I didn't deserve that. No one does. Because this was my mother and because this behavior was common and accepted in our family and my parents' culture, I didn't see just how abnormal this was.  Actions like these were always excused with “She was mad because…” or “Well you shouldn't/should have done…”.  I felt too hurt, hated and even partly responsible for her actions to be able to see how abusive she was.  I felt that if if somehow, if I had been a better child, she wouldn't have done or said that.  I now see I could not control her behavior, only she could.

It was traumatic to see her behave in such a way and hurt to be the target of such horrible comments, and this is only one example of her pain-inducing words and actions. She teetered between kind and caring woman to a cruel and vicious woman. She would praise my siblings and I to her friends one minute and then say how she wished she would die so she wouldn't see our faces again, that death was better for her than life with us. I couldn't tell if she loved or hated me, if I was good or bad. I cannot explain to you the confusion or the pain that I went through, only that I am glad I finally see the truth for what it is.

Like other abusers, my parents wanted to exert their control over us. They yelled at me for being sad and for having individuality. Having autonomy was not allowed and success was simultaneously encouraged and deflated (sometimes by the same parent). My mother wanted us do to everything her way -  from how we looked, how we dressed, what majors we chose, who we married, even what we named our children – and criticized us incessantly when we didn't follow.    My father tried to “straighten us out” through physical and verbal assaults when we spoke up for ourselves or didn't do things exactly as he wanted.

Imams and shuyukh of Sunday school, Islamic lectures and Friday khutbahs told me constantly that parents deserved our utmost respect and unyielding obedience. And because they had heard the same lectures, my parents demanded this as well. It is a fact of life that children, more or less, emulate their parents' behavior.  Thus, through their actions, my parents taught me how to be defiant, angry, hateful, spiteful, resentful, disrespectful and aggressive, and simultaneously punished me for expressing these emotions and behaviors.  This created a tug of war in my head, between wishing that someone would say I had the right to be treated kindly and believing that I was being rightfully punished for being a bad child. No one ever spoke of children's rights or obligations of parents, so it was the latter that always won.

The ill effects of abuse

Growing up with abusive parents took a heavy and serious toll on me. From my childhood and even until now, the abuse has affected me in several facets of my life, mentally, physically and spiritually. I suffered from low self-esteem and had problems in my health and relationships, even with Allāh. The abuse has affected my family as well -  emotional problems, jealousy and spitefulness between siblings and emotionally incestuous relationships between parent and child developed – although they still choose to deny it.

Effects on…

…self-esteem and self-perception

In my ignorance and in response to the turmoil, I experienced extreme self-loathing and hated my life growing up. Parents are said to be a mirror of their children, and since my parents had plenty of negative things to say, I could only see myself as a terrible person. How could I love myself when my own parents, the people who brought me into this world and who were supposed to love me unconditionally, did not? Even if they told me they loved me (which they did not), they didn't know how to show me they loved me. I felt hated as my father chased me in order to physically punish me and pointed out all my faults. My mother told me often how I was just like my father, whom I knew she carried a great disdain for. She grouped us both along with one of my siblings in the “bad guys” category. I felt there was something truly wrong with me, that I was just an awful person who didn't deserve to be loved. I wanted to disappear from the world thinking that maybe, just maybe, if I was gone, someone would miss me and want me back…then I would finally feel loved and wanted. I felt like a burden on my family who would be better off without me. I hated being me which anyone reading this might understand how that could be. Only Allāh heard me as I apologized for being such a bad child.

…relationship with the family

I wanted Allāh to love me, I wanted to obey Him by being kind to and obeying my parents. Despite the fact that my father physically and verbally abused me, I still tried to be good to him. But, thanks in part to my mother's comments about him, at some point in my life, my innocent childish love for my father changed to hate. I despised every single thing about him – how he ate, how he walked, how he talked. I hated that he still asked for and expected hugs and kisses from me even after the mean things he said and did to me. My mother perpetuated this idea in the way she fought with him; it always looked like he was the aggressor and she the victim.

The well-known hadith that one's mother is more deserving of love and respect than one's father encouraged me to put all my energy into loving and obeying her as best I could. Because she was the one who comforted me after my father attacked me and defended me against him, standing up for me, she was the only source of comfort for me. Thus, I attached myself in an unhealthy manner to her and we became enmeshed; when she was happy I was happy and when she was mad or sad, I couldn't have a good time. I tried with all my power to make her happy and to make her pleased with me. It was because of this intense codependency that I have such a challenge in healing from her infliction; I gave her my all and she rejected, depreciated and destroyed it.

The dysfunction permeated beyond our parents' relationships with each other or with me. My siblings and I have an uneasy relationship with each other that is affected, one way or another, by one or both parents. For example, one sibling cut ties with the other because of issues the other had with our mother. Another still believes our father to be a good father and pushes me to do things such as wish him a happy birthday or take him out for Father's Day. One sibling and I butted heads because they labeled me the abuser, claiming my mother's harshness and nonacceptance of my good deeds was in response to my antagonism.

…relationship with Allāh

Because our relationship was borne out of blood and mentioned several times in the Quran, one of the favorite weapons that my mother used to validate her stance was religion. Similar to how abusive men misuse verses from the Quran, my mother misused the verses regarding treatment of parents, telling me how Allāh would punish me and that if she were to die displeased with me I would be damned to Hell for all eternity. I was told several times that I had no iman in my heart, that I only do things out of fear of Allāh's punishment and that if I were a true mu'min, I would not be so rude with my parents. When bad things would happen to me, she told me that Allāh was angry with me and punished me for what I had done. I believed it.

While we all doubt whether we are good enough in the sight of Allāh, whether our deeds will be accepted or whether we are sincere, my mother spiritually abused me so intensely that I doubted if Allāh even loved me. I thought “How could Allāh love someone like me, someone who was so insolent and hated by their parents?” I asked Allāh to forgive me for being such an insolent person and for being so bad to my parents. Today, I acknowledge that this was projection of her own feelings of herself, but the pain of hearing that come from my mother was extreme.

…relationship with the community

The shame and guilt I felt affected not only my relationship with myself and my Lord, but how I was with the community. For one, I felt as if I was wearing a scarlet letter “V” for being a victim of domestic violence. Although no one knew, I felt I was different and that no one would understand what I was going through. Other people had seemingly good relationships with their parents and had parents who were apparently loving and kind. I did not know for sure if this was true, but no one talked about it and neither did I. I felt isolated in my community. I didn't have anyone to talk to and didn't know if anyone cared or would even believe me about what was going on in my house if I told them. With my parents being such upstanding members of the community, it would be hard to convince someone that they were actually unkind and unfit parents.

Another issue was the hypocrisy I felt. I was an outwardly practicing Muslim who went to MSA meetings, and treated people with as much kindness as I could. People enjoyed my company and liked me. But as I looked into the mirror that was my parents' eyes, I believed this was only because no one, except my parents, knew the real me. In fact, my mother told me that I was so nice to the people outside my house while being so ill-mannered to those in my home. At the time, I didn't believe she would say something that wasn't true, especially something so hurtful. Like most children, I thought the best of her and the worst of myself and with the community loving her as well, I took her guilty verdict to heart.

…on marriage

As abused children grow older, they too may choose to marry and have children of their own. No one will deny that when you marry someone, you marry their family. When you marry their family, you also marry their problems and toxicity. When these issues are not addressed or acknowledged, they cannot be resolved. They seep into the core of the marriage, into the hearts of the individuals. It affects how they deal with each other and ultimately how they deal with their children. People joke about the “evil in-laws” and make the same comments about treating them with kindness, respect and humility. When the in-laws are abusive and have a skewed view of reality, it is no joke.

To avoid disclosing any identifiable details, I will not speak of my own or my siblings' marriages, but will instead refer to a couple that I know who live in an abusive home. The mother/mother-in-law behaves in a similar fashion to my mother, leading me to believe that she also has a mental illness. The husband (her son) believes that to be a good son, he must do anything and everything in his power to please his mother, even though nothing he ever does is good enough in her eyes. She, too, uses Islam's emphasis on serving parents as a means to get her way. She speaks nastily to both her son and daughter-in-law, both of whom feel the detrimental effects of living with an unstable and abusive person. Both are victims of abuse and do their utmost to please their perpetrator. For example, after a day of cleaning the house in hopes of pleasing her, she made a comment about how dirty the TV was, saying how she would never have kept her house in this shape.  Even though the wife recognizes the abusive behavior of her mother-in-law, she does not know what to do or how to act. Her husband believes his mother needs to be obeyed and feels powerless to say or do anything to stand up for himself or his family. There are young children in this marriage who will, unless something changes, grow up seeing their parents treated harshly and possibly be treated in a similar manner themselves.

Disclaimer: This article is based on personal observation and could be right or wrong. My conclusion is based on a happy marriage where a husband and a wife love each other and have no major issues, yet the husband still wants to take another wife.  As for marriages with problems where husbands turn to polygamous relationships as the solution, I have no comments.

This past semester in my Arabic Communication class, our professor divided us into groups and asked us to present our opinion on polygamy. I didn’t want to be a part of that discussion. What was I going to say? Almost everyone else in the class (including the guys) were dismissive of the idea, while I was still forming words in my mind.  The topic was complicated enough to discuss in English, let alone in Arabic!

During my years at the University of Houston, I was one of the most outspoken supporters of polygamy. A few married sisters in the MSA tried to talk “sense” into me, but their efforts were futile; I was known to be a person of my own mind. I clearly remember the day my husband proposed to me, he informed me that he planned to take another wife later and asked if I would be okay with it. I answered, “How can I stop you from something that is allowed in Islam?” I wasn't yet married, so how was I supposed to know what it felt like to be jealous. It was only after I became a wife that I struggled with the idea of sharing the love of my life with another woman.

My first encounter with polygamy was when my best friend went through a polygamous relationship.  I felt torn. I questioned one of the shayookh about it, and his answer to my skepticism still echoes in my mind; instead of defending or addressing the topic of polygamy, he surprisingly asked me, “Do you believe Allāh is Just?” Of course I did (inshā'Allāh), but why would he question my belief in Allāh rather than simply explaining the rationale behind polygamy?

He then supplied me with a battery of “logical” reasons: explanations of wars, genealogy, men’s struggle during wives’ periods/post-partum bleeding, and many more. After years of researching works of scholars, both Eastern and Western, reading various works and publications including the ones written by women supporting polygamy, and examining statistics -Islamic and non-Islamic, I have run out logical reasons that defend polygamy. One-by-one, each has been ruled out as a result of  being cornered either by Muslims or non-Muslims. I can no longer “logically” defend polygamy.

Let’s discuss a few rational explanations:

War Zone: We are no longer in a time where men die more in war than women. The norm of warfare today is the  culture of carpet-bombing, where there is no discrimination among men, women, children, elderly; all in proximity are annihilated.

Genealogy: Yes, it's a subject that is not totally debatable. Even with the contemporary DNA testing, there is room for error and hence the genealogy of a child can be lost. It makes sense that this is the reason why polyandry is not allowed (perhaps) but the original question ‘why polygamy is allowed?’ remains unanswered.

Periods/Post-Partum Bleeding:  Seriously?! So if a wife is menstruating, there is nothing else she can do to satisfy her husband temporarily for 5-7 days? Even if we accept this as a “valid” factor to justify polygamy, it still doesn't take into account what happens if a man gets married to a woman whose cycle coincides with that of his first wife? Or what if the wives give birth to children around the same time?

Men have Stronger Sexual Appetite:  I assumed this to be factual for some time and perhaps I might still agree with the fact that, in general, men have a stronger physical desire for women. However, this can vary case-by-case as well. New statistics demonstrate that men and women are not far apart in their sexual appetite. In fact, ovulating women have been found to have increased sexual desire. Other studies suggest women in their 30s also experience an increased sex drive. Since this quality can vary from person-to-person, sexual appetite cannot be used to rationalize polygamy either.

While we may run out of rational justifications for polygamy, the stereotyping against it continues to increase:

One Man for One Woman: I grew up believing there is one man for one woman and vice-versa. Remember, we're products of our society and culture, and that is not blameworthy. We cannot ostracize “Western” culture for this ideology because it is just as much a product of “Eastern” culture too, if not more. Typically, in Eastern cultures, parents continue to advise their daughters to be patient with their husband and work on the marriage, but as soon as the husband takes another wife, the entire family forces her to return back to her parents’ house and take a stand.

“Shared” Husband: As the practice of polygamy withers away, the mentality and personal outlook of women has also changed. Along with society, women have moved from a more group-centered reason of existence to a more individual-centered reason for existence. Not only do most women refuse to share their husbands, but the entire society has taken an antagonist view of this practice.

“Insufficient” First Wife: In many communities, once a man weds a second wife, society does not loiter in assuming fault in the first wife. Why else would her husband feel the need to find solace in another woman? People talk, families accuse, and consequently, wife number one feels she is insufficient for her husband. Her insecurities rise just as fast as her self-confidence and esteem spiral downward, leaving her feeling like an utter failure.

With all these widespread stereotypes against polygamy and apparent lack of “logical” explanations, how can we expect Muslim women to simply swallow this concept, accept it, and live happily ever after with it?

I cannot. In fact, I believe most women can't. But I have to come to terms with it. Because no matter what my objections may be against polygamy, it is permissible in Islam, it was practiced by our beloved Prophet, sallallahu aliahi wasalam, and was common amongst the respected Companions. Who am I to object to it?

Before I proceed, let me clarify. I am not ruling out any aforementioned and other possible logical reasons for everyone. If it makes sense to any woman, by all means, accept it and be content with it. But if there are sisters who cannot find any coherent reasons for polygamy, they should not allow it to frustrate them. They are not alone.

As for me, this matter remains rationally unexplainable.  But it only humbles me to accept a far greater truth about Islam – that there are issues within the deen we may not fully comprehend. Disagreement with our logic in matters of deen cannot yield rejection. In Surah Sajdah, Allāh azzawajal said:

ÙˆÙŽÙ„ÙŽÙˆÙ' شِئÙ'نَا لَآتَيÙ'نَا كُلَÙ' نَفÙ'سٍ هُدَاهَا وَلَٰكِنÙ' Ø­ÙŽÙ‚ÙŽÙ' الÙ'Ù‚ÙŽÙˆÙ'لُ مِنِÙ'ÙŠ Ù„ÙŽØ£ÙŽÙ…Ù'Ù„ÙŽØ£ÙŽÙ†ÙŽÙ' جَهَنَÙ'Ù…ÙŽ مِنَ الÙ'جِنَÙ'ةِ وَالنَÙ'اسِ أَجÙ'مَعِينَ

“And if We had willed, surely! We would have given every person his guidance, but the Word from Me took effect (about evil­doers), that I will fill Hell with jinn and mankind together.” (32:13)

We accept this verse as is, even though we cannot fully understand the meaning, and we make du’a to Allāh that may we be protected from being amongst those who are destined to Hellfire.

Polygamy is allowed unconditionally (so long as the husband treats his wives equally), unbound to time, place or people. To accept this fact is a part of my faith, whether I like it or not. However, Ever Merciful is my Lord Who has comforted the believers by saying:

كُتِبَ عَلَيÙ'كُمُ الÙ'قِتَالُ وَهُوَ كُرÙ'Ù‡ÙŒ لَكُمÙ' Û– وَعَسَىٰ Ø£ÙŽÙ†Ù' تَكÙ'رَهُوا Ø´ÙŽÙŠÙ'ئًا وَهُوَ خَيÙ'رٌ لَكُمÙ' Û– وَعَسَىٰ Ø£ÙŽÙ†Ù' تُحِبُÙ'وا Ø´ÙŽÙŠÙ'ئًا وَهُوَ شَرٌÙ' لَكُمÙ' Û— وَاللَÙ'هُ يَعÙ'لَمُ ÙˆÙŽØ£ÙŽÙ†Ù'تُمÙ' لَا تَعÙ'لَمُونَ

“…and it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allāh knows but you do not know.” (2:216)

Hence, to conclude:

First, I begin by reiterating clearly that I cannot rationally understand polygamy, but I accept it because I submit to Allāh azzawajal, and I believe the One Who decreed it is, without a shadow of a doubt, The Most Just and has allowed it in His Perfect Justice. I understand now the wisdom of my teacher questioning my belief in Allāh's Perfect Justice. That is the primary rope to hang on to – to submit to Allāh's Perfect Justice.

Secondly, I advise myself first and then all my Muslim sisters that polygamy is a trial from Allāh, not from the husband. Therefore, like any other trial, it is a time to come closer to Allāh azzawajal, with submission, patience and tawakkul. Just like any other trial, it is a time to evaluate oneself and to increase good deeds; it is not a time to rebel. More importantly (what seems like a never-ending task, ) we must strive to seperate the anger we may feel against our husbands and channel it towards accepting Allāh’s decree.

Instead of perceiving the situation as “my husband did this to me”, it should be, “it is my Rabb’s Decree and He is testing me”. The real struggle lies in accepting it as a test rather than a “betrayal” by one's husband. It is indeed an emotional “Jihaad” (exertion) to seperate the two. Perhaps this is also the most effective recipe to cope with polygamy.

Thirdly, I do believe that there is always khair in Allāh’s Decree; although we may fail to see it when we are being tested, the goodness always shines through. So those sisters who are tested with this, or may be tested with it, must remember that polygamy, too, has khair in it. We may fail to see it, but it is there, inshā'Allāh.

That day in my class, for the first time I did not justify polygamy logically. I was a bit hesitant in being so honest, but I took the courage to say, “My limited human mind cannot rationalize polygamy. I don’t necessarily like it, but I accept it because it is a part of my faith, a faith that I undoubtedly believe in and find to be the only truth. However, Islam doesn’t expect anyone to live a miserable life either. So if a woman cannot tolerate sharing her husband then the doors of exit from the marriage are always open for her.” After saying this, I felt relieved and strangely empowered.

Message for the Husbands:

Having said this, I do have a message for the husbands who are thinking of or are already in a polygamous relationship:

1. Please do not abuse the aforementioned three points. How a woman perceives polygamy is between her and Allāh azzawajal. There are sisters who may not be able to cope with polygamy, but it doesn’t give husbands the right to judge their imaan. Further, if the wife makes an effort to struggle through it, then recognize her situation as the one suffering through a test. She undertakes a hard journey and whether she finds peace with it has a lot to do with how a husband handles the situation.

2. What I said above is easier said than done. Most pleasing to shaytaan is to break a marriage and obviously he will take every available opportunity to arouse negative feelings and emotions in a wife. A wife may be able to ward off the waswas at times, but not all the time. Treat her as if she is human, because she is human; don’t expect “angelic” reactions and submission from her.

3. Remember, not only does a wife fight shayateen’s waswas but she also suffers the antagonizing society's fingerpointing at her for being the “insufficient' wife number one. It is easy to say ‘who cares about what others are saying’ but the reality is very ugly. A husband must stand up for his wife if he does not want to kiss her goodbye.

4. Realize that it is natural for her to be hyper-sensitive and vulnerable to anything that others might say, especially, to what comes out of her husband's mouth. Shaytaan will make her read assumptions into her husband’s words and actions, so be prepared to explain calmly and patiently.

5.  Remember, it is inevitable for her to compare herself to the other wife, and to indulge in thinking, ‘Who does he love more/find more pleasing?’ Find a way to keep her from doing that if you don’t want her to go mentally insane.

6. There is no “right” way of jumping into polygamy. No matter what approach you take, it will hurt your first wife, but DO NOT LIE to her. She will find out, especially, if you share a good strong relationship. Many times husbands lie to keep their wives from hurting, but in reality deception and dishonesty hurt more.

7. Don’t break her trust. Wives are better equipped to face the bitter reality than broken trust.

These are just a few quick suggestions with regards to treating the first wife. If all this is too difficult for a man to handle then I suggest he sticks to monogamy :)

Ah! My son had become just another victim of misunderstanding the word “fitnah”.  Because he was called a “fitnah”, he thought of himself as someone evil and wicked!

Unfortunately, it is not only a misunderstanding of an 8 year old, but of a fair percentage of the Muslim world, and hence, the most commonly misunderstood hadeeth remains the one in which the Prophet, sallallahu alihi wasalam warned the men:

“I have not left behind me any fitnah more harmful to men than women.” (Bukhari & Muslim)

It seems that some of my Muslim brothers, as much as they love the female species, equally love to demean Muslim women, put them under unnecessary restrictions, and psychologically butcher their confidence as “proud Muslimahs”using the above hadeeth as a “proof” for their actions.

In reaction, some of the sisters, to justify and maintain their Muslimah pride, have gone to the other extreme of rejecting the hadeeth and denying its authenticity. The common notion of their rationalization is along the lines: “If I must believe in the fairness of Muhammad then I must deny…” and a number of ahadeeth are questioned in the name of “fairness and logic”, the aforementioned included.

I questioned the meaning of the hadeeth in an effort to understand if the negative view of women was justified. I could not argue with the hadeeth, since without a doubt, I discovered that, it was an authentic hadeeth. Therefore, rejecting it was out of the question for me. Hence, I was faced with a dilemma: should I miserably accept myself as a fitnah, inherently evil as portrayed by many Muslim clerics, and let them condemn me whenever they wish, by using the words of the Prophet, sallallahu alihi wasalam, as proof, or simply excuse away the hadeeth? It so happened that since I am a proud Muslimah and am very proud of every aspect of my deen, so accepting either option would have been a paradox.

Did I have a third option? Was there any way the hadeeth could be understood rationally while maintaining the harmony of fairness.

Of course, educating myself was the only option not only in this situation but in any situation when my belief, the Qur’an or ahadeeth are criticized; instead of denial and rejection, knowledge is always the key. After researching the matter, I discovered several of the following misunderstandings.

Firstly, I focused on the word fitnah. Fitnah comes from the word fitan which means to separate. That’s why one of the names of goldsmith is al-fattan because he separates the pure gold from its impurities.

In sharee’ah this word has been used numerous times to indicate a test or a trial, because a test/trial separates a true believer from a non-believer. It is only through a trial that a person’s true faith shines. As Allāh azzawajal says:

أَحَسِبَ النَÙ'اسُ Ø£ÙŽÙ†Ù' يُتÙ'رَكُوا Ø£ÙŽÙ†Ù' يَقُولُوا آمَنَÙ'ا وَهُمÙ' لَا يُفÙ'تَنُونَ

“Do people think that they will be left alone because they say: “We believe,” and will not be tested”

وَلَقَدÙ' فَتَنَÙ'ا الَÙ'ذِينَ مِنÙ' قَبÙ'لِهِمÙ' Û– فَلَيَعÙ'Ù„ÙŽÙ…ÙŽÙ†ÙŽÙ' اللَÙ'هُ الَÙ'ذِينَ صَدَقُوا وَلَيَعÙ'Ù„ÙŽÙ…ÙŽÙ†ÙŽÙ' الÙ'كَاذِبِينَ

“And We indeed tested those who were before them. And Allāh will certainly make (it) known (the truth of) those who are true, and will certainly make (it) known (the falsehood of) those who are liars.”

يُفÙ'تَنُونَ and  فَتَنَÙ'ا both are derived from the rood word “fitan”.

When something is referred to as “fitnah” it doesn’t mean that it is inherently evil or an innate source of corruption, rather it only means that it is a mean to put a person through a trial. In fact, every blessing or favor of Allāh is also a fitnah for mankind. For if a person is blessed with something, and that blessing becomes a reason for him/her to disobey Allāh or become negligent of Allāh due to the luxuries of it, then in of itself that blessing becomes a fitnah for that person.

Likewise, if a person is put under a test (fitan) but he/she uses that fitnah (test) to come closer to Allāh, increase his/her iman through worship, repentance, proper evaluation of himself/herself and improving his/her condition, then in fact that fitnah becomes a blessing of Allāh upon him/her.

Hence in the hadeeth, the Prophet sallallahu alihi wasalam, is simply warning the men against their shahwa (lust/desires) for women and that this shahwa (not the women) is one of the biggest trial for men. He, sallallahu alihi wasalam, is not labeling women innately evil or wicked rather he is warning the men that their lust for women will be a test for them. How they act with and around women can be a case for them or against them. Even in our rational world, psychologists have recognized carnal lust of men as one of the strongest desires and addictions.

Nevertheless, the complicity in understanding the beautiful meanings of this hadeeth seems to come from the over zealousness of some brothers in many parts of the Muslim world, who have abused this hadeeth to enforce their male “superiority” over women, and use religious submission of women to satisfy their male chauvinism.

Of the common ways this hadeeth is misused is by restricting women from going to the masajid and branding them a source of “fitnah” for mankind, by adopting a condescending tone or attitude towards the women during khutbah or by delivering lectures warning the men against females, as if they are the cause of the “original sin”. I believe that psychological injuries are far worse than physical injuries and those brothers who demonize women in such a way will be held accountable for the harm resulting from misrepresenting the words of the Prophet, sallallahu alihi wasalam. They have obviously not understood the proper meaning of “fitnah” and thus have decontextualized it.

Second, I looked for other verses that use the word fitnah to refer to things other than women.

Allāh azzawal warns against wealth and children calling them a fitnah for us:

إِنَÙ'مَا Ø£ÙŽÙ…Ù'وَالُكُمÙ' ÙˆÙŽØ£ÙŽÙˆÙ'لَادُكُمÙ' فِتÙ'Ù†ÙŽØ©ÙŒ

“Your wealth and your children are only a trial.”

This verse is  another proof that just because something is mentioned as “fitnah“, doesn’t make it inherently evil. No one considers money to be evil or one’s progeny to be wicked. People will attain higher levels in Jannah because of how they spend their wealth in the way of Allāh. Some will continue to gain good deeds even after their death through the righteous children they raised. The fact is that these two are blessings of Allāh and the fitnah lies in how we take advantage of these two blessings, whether we let ourselves get drowned in this world because of them, or we become thankful to Allāh for blessing us with these favors and use them to come close to Allāh. Similarly, how men deal with their desires for women can either become a path to Jannah or path away from Jannah for them.

The same men who condemn women because they are “fitnah” never condemn wealth or adopt a condescending attitude towards children. Furthermore, these men never restrict the usage or gain of money to keep themselves from the “fitnah” of wealth, nor do they distance themselves from their children to protect themselves from the “fitnah” of awlaad (progeny).

It is quite interesting though that when people, both who abuse and those who reject ahadeeth, evaluate the hadeeth in question, they forget to search how many times and how many things are referred to as fitnah in Qur'an. In reality everything we own and everyone we know can become a form of fitnah for us, as described in this verse:

وَجَعَلÙ'نَا بَعÙ'ضَكُمÙ' لِبَعÙ'ضٍ فِتÙ'نَةً أَتَصÙ'بِرُونَ

“And We have made some of you a trial (fitnah) for others, will you have patience?” (25:20)

How many times are men reminded that they too are as much fitnah for women as women are for men? If men are attracted towards women, women too are equally tempted to attract attention from men. Nonetheless, the world is as incomplete without men as it is without women, and women are blessings for men as much as men are blessings for women yet they both remain a fitnah for one another. Men are tested through their women as much as women are tested through their men, but neither group is innately evil.

Hence, the notion that Islam considers women to be the innate source of mischief, inherently evil or inferior (based on the word “fitnah”) is nothing short of a blasphemy and a result of sheer ignorance. Although there are a number of textual proofs opposing such a negative view of women, my favorite one to counter these unsubstantial notions regarding women’s place in Islam is when the Prophet, sallallahu alihi waslama said:

“Made beloved to me from your world are women and perfume, and the coolness of my eyes is in prayer.” (Ahmad and An-Nasa ‘i)

Having said all this, I must remind those who doubt the Authority of the Sunnah, position of the Companions, and prefer to put their logical reasoning over textual proof that it is not upon us to bend Islam based upon our own whims and desires. It is sad to see Muslim women ridiculing the ahadeeth simply because they think they contain misogynist undertones. This type of intellectual arrogance is not limited to female Muslims, but even to Muslim men who like to show their sympathy towards women by picking and choosing ahadeeth. Any authentic statement of the Prophet sallallahu alihi wasalam is binding upon us to accept as much as it is binding upon us to accept the ayahs of the Qur’an. Simply because an authentic hadeeth does not make sense to us, does not mean that the hadeeth can be rejected. Similarly, just because some men misinterpret or misuse a certain hadeeth, does not mean that we deny it, to establish our place in our religion. People who have taken this path have endangered themselves with an understanding that is not in obedience to Allāh.

My son is not an affliction upon me; in fact, he is one of the biggest blessings from Allāh, alhamdullilah, yet he remains a fitnah for me, just as much as I remain a fitnah for him. It was my turn to explain to my son the precise meaning of fitnah, and as I did, his remorse was replaced with relief. As the explanation sank into his little mind, it became obvious through the spark in his eyes and the big smile on his face that he had understood the reality of his “fitnah“. I hope and pray that just as an 8-year-old understood what it means to be a fitnah, so too will most of the Muslims around the world , men and women, so Muslim men can stop demeaning women and Muslim women can stop rejecting the ahadeeth to find their place in Islam.

As you make your way to find a seat, you notice two, and only two open seats. However, next to each of the spots are two young outrageously attractive passengers of the opposite gender the likes of super models; one non-Muslim and the other a practicing Muslim from your MSA, community, and masjid. You're dead tired from the day and standing is not an option on this 45 minute ride. As the train leaves, the question emerges: where do you sit?

Keep in mind that this is an express ride. The train boards now, and doesn't stop until your stop many miles away. Therefore finding open seats and moving from car to car is very difficult, and where you sit is where you sit, period. So let's look at our options.

Option 1a: Sit with the non-Muslim

Better to sit with some “stranger” than to make it awkward by sitting next to the sister, right? Not necessarily. Many Muslims are very lax when interacting with non-Muslims of the opposite gender yet very strict about not even acknowledging the existence of their fellow Muslim sisters, an incorrect way of thinking. Not to mention the uneasiness of sitting next to a dangerously attractive human being. Sure you won't “do” anything, but your eyes certainly might. After all, it was related that the Prophet (SAW) said that the first look is the poison tipped arrow of Shaytan. Ouch! This option doesn't look so promising.

Option 1b:  Sit with the Muslim

Better than sitting with the non-Muslim? Doesn't seem so certain. The last time you had to be so close to this person was in 4th grade Sunday School class. After that, you saw them at Iftar parties, masjid fund raisers, or during MSA events. And to make matters worse, this is someone who is pure “potential,” if you know what I mean. You really don't want to be on the the “hey Salma” and “hi Kashif” “omg let's go get dessert together” methodology many Muslims have fallen into. Seems sitting next to them is probably not the best way to maintain that respectful means of interaction with this fellow Muslim brother or sister.

 Option 2: Stand for 45 minutes

Your feet are killing you from your long day of Gen Chem lab and if you were to stand the ride home, you wouldn't have the energy to study for exams, help your parents, or worship you Lord late into the night. Yikes!

Our scenario doesn't look so good, huh? Is this dilemma really impossible to solve at this point? Well, the thing is, it's not always so black or white.

Gender interaction isn't an on and off switch between “fully integrate” and “totally ignore.” You need to judge scenarios and see exactly what's up, while at the same time act in a manner of respect. You gotta use your brain.

Take Musa 'alayhi as salam for example. When he came by the two women who were in need of assistance, what did he do? Did he ignore them and walk away in “fear” of his Lord? No. Did he help them yet at the same time get too close and friendly around them? A'udhubiAllah, no. He helped them and took them to where they needed to go, yet he kept it real. As they traveled to their destination, he walked in front of them instead of next to or behind them, so as to help them and at the same time respect them according to the manners of gender interaction.

Lots of young Muslims run into the dangers of the two extremes. Either overly-strict ignoring the opposite gender, or overly-lax “hi!!!1 omg let's get some Coldstone on Friday night.” Muslims need to interact with one another, but at the same time know to keep it real.

So what's the answer to this scenario? Simple, follow the methodology of Musa 'alayhi as salam: think and keep it real!

Option 3: Think and keep it real!

Ask the fellow Muslim to switch seats and have them sit next to the other passenger of their gender. That leaves an open seat for you to sit comfortably without having to deal with any “alternatives.” There's nothing wrong in speaking to the opposite gender, so long as it is done for need, with respect and without any non-sense. Following the example of Musa, we know that the Prophetic method is to interact with the opposite gender but to modify your actions to suit the scenario in terms of respect.

So you go with option 3, the Muslim of the other gender performs da'wah on the non-Muslim who converts giving you the ajr, and Allāh rewards the both of you with a wonderful marriage, many children, and life happily ever after. Just like how Prophet Musa (A) married one of those women!

Okay, okay, so the ending was a bit stretched, I admit. But do you see how by using our noggins a bit, we can still keep it real? Alhumdulillah.

We ask Allāh (SWT) make us like Musa (A) and those who when it's time to act think and keep it real.

I’m writing from the convention center… I’m attending all of the lectures by our dear Shaykh ṣalāh al-Sawi. He is giving an intensive series on the Fiqh of Family life, very interesting.

Its amazing to see ALL of us speakers, whenever we don’t have our own lectures, are eager to attend Sh. Ṣalāh’s lectures. Right now I have Kamal al-Makki, Isam Rajab and Yassir Fazaqa next to me (Yaser Birjas is giving his own lecture now, but attended the previous sessions).

It’s only in Arabic, so audience is the smallest out of all the lectures, but of course its the most academic.

May Allāh bless Sh. Ṣalāh, and all of the other people of knowledge who benefit the Ummah!

—

Bro. ibnabeeomar was kind enough to stay up past his bed time in order to bring the MM readers a quick recap of Saturday's talks on “Archetype of a Muslim Husband”, “Rules of Islamic Engagement” & “Men are from Mecca, Women are from Medinah”:

Archetype of a Muslim Husband, by Yaser Birjas

• There are not enough lectures on how to take care of your wife – men know better than to attend! ;)
• Correction: The “perfect” husband can only be found in Jannah.
• To be a good man, you must be good inside the house as well as outside. Too many times men have one face outside, and transform into someone else when they come home.
• Don't look for someone that doesn't have mistakes; look for someone who works at rectifying their mistakes.
• Being strict does not make you more religious: be playful in the house; it is a concession we're given so take advantage of it (as long as it doesn't violate shari'ah).
• Be generous to your family first before being generous to others, like guests.

Rules of Islamic Engagement, by Waleed Basyouni

• The Qur'an says those daughters who were killed out of ignorance by their fathers will be asked why they were killed; Allāh will not even honor the killers enough to directly ask them the question.
• Women worry about their future until they get married; men don't worry about their future until they get married.
• Moral societies must be based on family units.
• “Love is the force behind every action on Earth“, Ibn al-Qayyim.

Men are from Mecca, Women are from Medinah, by “The Three Yasers” (Hilarious!)

• Yasir Qadhi was asked to speak on this panel because Yaser Birjas and Yaser Fazaqa were already confirmed, so they asked him due to the fact that his name was Yasir: “Why are no women speaking on the panel? If any women here are named Yasir, they are welcome to come speak.“
• Yaser Fazaqa spoke after Yasir Qadhi because, as he said, they decided age will come before beauty.
• Makkah was dry and rough; the Makki verses are short, small, and to the point. Medinah was more serene and peaceful; Madani verses are longer and more detailed (Kamal al-Makki was asked to speak since his last name is al-Makki, and he is short! :) )
• The wife of Imraan prayed for a son that she could dedicate to the service of Allāh – her dua was answered, but this exceptional son first needed an exceptional mother to give birth to him: Maryam (peace be upon her).

I am hesitant to blame misogynistic attitudes amongst women on immigrants, but in my experience that’s how it is. Like so many other examples of gender injustice, it seems to be based on culture; specifically, cultural notions about women, their status in society, and their overall capabilities. It never fails to astound me how in some cultures, they'll be eager to send their daughters off to university and get their degrees – only to expect them to come home, get married, and pop out babies for the rest of her life without ever actually using her God-given intelligence! And if she does dare to take a stance on issues, to have an opinion, to be active in some way outside the home (and I mean in a halaal way, not a haraam way), she'll be told to “behave like a proper woman” (i.e. keep her mouth shut, smile, and nod) and looked down upon and criticized.

The worst thing is when they make misogynistic comments in an Islamic context – for example, using the (grossly mistranslated!) Hadith about women being “deficient” in religion and intelligence. This happened to me the other day when some common incident took place wherein I didn't recall making a certain commitment and another woman did - and that woman then said, “You see, that's why the Shari'ah requires the testimony of two women, because your memory is so weak!”

Aside from the irony – she being only one woman, not two, who claimed to have heard me make the commitment, and so technically her testimony wouldn't count either – it was the commonality of such an attitude that infuriated me. I said nothing due to her age and her position over me, but in my head I was outraged!

Then there's the other thing that's constantly held against women: their hormones! I find it absolutely ridiculous that whenever a girl gets angry or upset over something, she is so often dismissed by others (women even more so than men!) by being told, “Stop spazzing; just because it's your time of the month you don't need to take it out on the rest of us!” (Or something to that effect.) Why is it immediately assumed that for a female to be angry, it's because of her hormones? Why is it that men can get angry and outraged about the silliest of things, and still be taken seriously; but that a woman is dismissed the majority of the time because she experiences a short period of time during which she can be a little, well, unreasonable? And what about women who don't suffer PMS at all? Are their concerns also to be blamed on hormonal irrationality?

“Oh no, not another feminist rant!” is probably what you're thinking… well, yes and no. I don't at all deny the differences – both physical and psychological – between men and women, nor do I deny anything in the Shari'ah (two female witnesses, etc.). What I do take issue with is, as I listed above, how people will take something from the Shari'ah and use it as a general excuse to use against women in anything and everything – even though it's totally out of context!

Okay, so what does this have to do with Muslim matters, you ask? In my opinion, it has a lot to do with Muslim matters: such attitudes severely restrict what Muslim women are capable of. Attitudes like that are what's stopping our daughters, our sisters, our wives, from following in the footsteps of the great Muslim women of the past: Aisha bint Abi Bakr, Hafsa bint Umar, Umm Habiba bint Abi Sufyan, and many more (radhi'Allahu anhuma ajma'een). They were all extremely intelligent, and what's more, they were outspoken! They didn't just learn by rote; they learnt by observing, questioning, and implementing.

When we read some of the ahadith of these noble women, we are sometimes be shocked by their behaviour – such as when they would argue with the Prophet (sallallaahu 'alaihi wa sallam) himself! Not to say that it's a free license for us to argue about everything and anything with anyone and everyone, but it's a sign that the women around the Messenger (sallallaahu 'alaihi wa sallam) were certainly not mindless robots who only cooked, cleaned, and popped out babies.

So when we're told that “good Muslim girls” don't ask questions or think too much, then let's remember those women whom the Prophet (sallallaahu 'alaihi wa sallam) loved and taught and did not rebuke for their intelligence, and most certainly did not degrade.

To paint women as fragile, emotional, hormone-controlled vessels liable to have a psychological breakdown at any moment belittles us and insults the intelligence that Allāh has blessed us with. Furthermore, it crushes the potential our girls have to be amazing assets to this Ummah, as teachers and as leaders within our communities.

Women are indeed the driving force of any society. They are the ones who raise the children, the ones from whose lips and laps babies learn the behaviour and attitudes of the family, which in turn affect the society as a whole. We learn what our role as women in society is from our mothers -  and so it's imperative that our mothers break away from these negative attitudes towards femininity; and that we, when we become mothers, can pass onto the daughters of this Ummah the message that as women we are NOT inferior or deficient but rather the full twins of men and equal in the Sight of Allāh.

It is important to note that sometimes the male head of the household can have very open ideas about women’s roles, can encourage his daughters to pursue more in life than the traditional ideal… yet if the matriarch believes otherwise, then it’s almost guaranteed she’ll pass on her attitude to the younger females. In that is an example of the powerful role women play in society: they can “make or break” attitudes and traditions, and it is this power which needs to be tapped into when trying to create and implement a solution to this problem.

All right, so now that we've identified the problem, what is the solution?

The idealist in me has it all figured out: more from the minbar speaking out against this and emphasizing a need to take the great Muslim women of the past as role models; Islamic lessons, courses, and workshops on the same subject, empowering women, as it were; and implementation/ reinforcing the lesson by creating and providing opportunities for Muslim women to take on a greater role in our Ummah, by taking part in community activism.

We talk so much about the beautiful rights that Islam has given women, yet in our own homes and in our masaajid we rarely allow our women to practice those rights. We also talk of wanting our communities to be like the community that existed during the time of our beloved Messenger Muhammad (sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam). Here’s one way of accomplishing that: by letting our womenfolk take on roles that were practiced by the womenfolk of the first Muslims. Not just wives and mothers, but students and teachers, professionals and activists.

The reluctantly realistic part of me, however, recognizes that this won’t necessarily cause a 180-degree change in attitude. The struggle to change the way Muslims – men and women – believe about the status of women as individuals and their roles in society will be long, and I doubt it will ever be 100% successful.

As with all worthy struggles, though, inshā'Allāh I won't give up on it - and neither should you! Māshā'Allāh, I know wonderful people (men and women alike) who are trying their best to address this issue (amongst the many others our community needs to be dealth with) from the Islamic point of view, educating themselves and others about what Islam REALLY says about the rights and responsibilities of each gender. In my opinion, the best thing they've done is to provide opportunities for sisters to realize their potential within the Muslim community: by encouraging them to start studying Islam more deeply, to get involved in community projects, to strengthen their identity and just feel good about themselves as Muslimaat!

May Allāh grant us all knowledge, wisdom, and understanding of the Deen, and aid us in implementing it for the benefit of our souls (which will need all the ajr it can get on its side for the Day of Judgement) and for the benefit of our Ummah, āmīn!

Related:

• Perfect Justice: Debunking the Male Bias Myth by Sheikh Yasir Qadhi
• Muslim Women and Activism by AnonyMouse