To understand corporate America's view of its employees, read Execution:  The Disciple of Getting Things Done, by Larry Bossidy and Ram Charan.  You are not the intended audience for this book; it was written primarily for consumption by C-level executives and Senior VP types.  A better title for this book would be, How to Treat Employees like Disposable Trash 101.  It teaches you that employees are assets, resources, but certainly not people worth caring about.  The attitude it conveys is unfortunately found all over the corporate world – toss your employees out, even well-performing ones, if you are unable to use them in the  future, or you can find a way to drive down costs by doing so.

In my personal experience, I find most people don't understand this.  They expect to be rewarded with further benefits, bonuses, and at the very least, continued employment for pouring blood, sweat, and tears at the direction of upper management.  When friends and co-workers learned I had been promoted and given a raise not once, but twice in a two year span, they would say, “Looks like your job is safe, you're doing really well.”  But I knew better – positive performance appraisals were no indicator of continued employment potential.

And so it was after 6 years of employment at Motorola Mobility, on the heels of the successful launch of what is now known as the OG Droid (the first phone to truly challenge Apple's three year iPhone dominance) and as mentioned earlier, year-over-year promotions, I was laid off (along with the rest of my team).  The reason?  Mobility wanted to grow staff without growing cost, so it was more cost-effective to lay off staff domestically and outsource to China.

I spent six months in unemployment and wanted share whatever insights, tips, or tricks I found beneficial on my path back to employment.

Rule #1:  Success Begins within You

My heart pounded loudly in my chest, and I could feel my face and neck heating up, as though my body was about to implode from within.  It was a Friday, and my last day official day was Monday the following week.  I had known this for two months, but the realization of it finally hit me full force.  What would I do after my severance ran out?  How would I support my wife and 3 kids?  Did I have the skills to find a new job in the current market?  What if I didn't?  Could I re-train with a new skill set?  Where would I get the money for this?  On and on, the questions kept coming, like a badly timed game of word association, unemployment edition.

Until that moment, I hadn't understood why people lost their confidence and self-respect from losing a job.  An internal battle was taking place, and I was losing ground as I moved in the direction of trying to fight it myself.  Within an hour, I was able to shift this dynamic with the following “tweaks” in my thought process:

1.  In the End, It's All Good for You

The Prophet  said:

“How amazing is the affair of the believer. There is good for him in everything and that is for no one but the believer. If good times come his way, he expresses gratitude to Allāh and that is good for him, and if hardship comes his way, he endures it patiently and that is better for him.” [Muslim]

From my perspective, Allāh had taken me out of what appeared to be a good situation and was preparing me to move on to bigger and better things.  There was a treasure out there somewhere, and it is implicit that a truly valuable treasure requires effort to find.  My effort in this case would be my plan of attack in finding a new job.

2.  Use Personal Anxiety and Fear to Your Advantage

There's nothing like the adrenaline rush generated from procrastinating until a project is about to fall off the edge of the cliff into the abyss of no return, only to be saved by pushing through an over-caffeinated night or two, with the fear of failure hovering inches over your shoulder.

The same feeling may occur to you, except that instead of one project with a definite deadline, you may feel an inward attack of multiple tasks and projects to complete to get employed again, and no definite date in mind except “right now”.

Take a deep breath, focus, and write down everything that comes to mind down.  From that list, pick the two tasks that you feel will have the most impact on your job search prospects, and focus relentlessly on them until they are complete.  If you're feeling anxious about the remaining list, use that anxiety to propel you to finish the first two tasks.

3.  Give Your Best and Leave the Rest to Allāh

If you were to take advice from either career experts, your family and friends, or even people in your work industry, you might find yourself confused about what direction you should take.  Evaluate however many options you can, and then take action in some way.  Predicting the future and knowing what is best for you is beyond your capacity.  It may be your time off has some benefit that would not be available if you returned to work immediately.  It could be to ward off some harm.

Whatever the case, take action, pray istikhārah, and keep moving forward.  It may be two months or two years before the right job falls into your lap, so be patient.  Take advantage of this time to benefit yourself in other ways, such as spending more time with family, taking care of your health, or learning new skills to enhance your résumé.

One note, I must say that I'm always confident in turning to Allāh because I make it a point not to fudge experience on my resume.  I always try to present my best self and stay truthful.  There remain many who lie about their qualifications (or lack of them) on the resume for a paycheck.  I don't understand how people can do this and expect blessings with income that's taken daily based on lies.  I would be afraid that just like the disbelievers, on a lesser level I was given something that be a blessing up front and a major curse later, either on me or my wife and kids.

Rule #2:  Get Smart with Your Money

I was given two months of salary post-employment and unemployment checks on top of this, so I was making more in unemployment than on the job.  When the two months expired, I turned to other means for either gaining income or saving money.

1.  Create a Budget

Without a doubt, you won't do anything meaningful with your money if you don't know how or where it is spent.  I admit I don't have the patience to collect every receipt, write down my spending, and balance a checkbook.  For people like me, there's mint.com (this is free).  I've hooked up my two bank accounts on there, so any transaction I run through my debit card (I live on cash only) shows up both in my online bank statement and on Mint.  I can categorize each transaction according to a category (it can be either automatically categorized or manually) and I can quickly see how money is spent.

I can't emphasize enough the importance of REALLY seeing how you spend versus how you think you spend.  You can use the tool to create a budget for different items and track whether you stay in or out of budget.  If you'd like to start, you can set aside budgets using the categories I use:

• Gas and Fuel:  self-explanatory
• Bills and Utilities:  Electricity, Gas, Internet, Cell Phone (some may also need water, trash, and sewage)
• Business Services:  Subscription fees for internet services, online software like Turbotax, etc
• Education:  My wife's budget for kids homeschooling subscriptions and purchases
• Entertainment
• Monthly Savings:  Meant for anticipated future expenses
• Groceries and Eating Out
• Shopping

2.  Find Alternative Sources of Income

One means of income was collecting unemployment insurance.  It wasn't enough, but it covered rent and some expenses.  For extra food costs, we were able to get food stamps on a special debit card (about $300 worth) and WIC (women, infants, children) vouchers because two of our children were two and under.  If you ever go to a grocery store and see a label that says WIC next to the price, it means that food qualifies for trade in with a WIC voucher.

Another way to get income is coupons.  Coupons for the food you buy regularly is essentially free money, so if you're tight on budget, make sure to get coupons.  Related to coupons, I picked up the book Coupon Mom and found I was able cut my grocery bill tremendously by implementing her tips.

Yet a third way is getting part-time or temporary jobs (because your other “job” is finding a permanent job that pays to the standard you expect).  I worked for one organization writing their advertising copy.

Finally, look within your local community for resources.  At the county level, you may find grants for studying (I actually acquired a $7000 grant which I was unable to use as I found a job before I could use it).

3.  Save Money on Expenses

The two expenses that have the most impact on your finances will likely be your rent or mortgage with utility bills, and your eating expenses.  Others might be car and health insurance, credit card debt (if you have a high monthly minimum), and random hits (like unexpected required car repairs).

One of the best ways to cut down on costs is rent/mortgage costs – if you can, move back in with your parents or your in-laws temporarily until you're back on your feet.  I don't normally advocate moving back in with mom and dad because of the strain this often puts on a marriage, particularly if it's the husband's parents, but in the case of layoffs and the potential for extended unemployment, I think it's a good idea (I think parents moving in to live with kids is great once they can' take care of themselves any longer).  If you can't do that, then consider if it's possible to move to a cheaper home.  If that's not possible, look for ways to cut utility costs – some agencies have programs for people who are unemployed, often via the city or the county you're living in.

Another big way to cut costs is reducing your grocery bill, utilizing the methods taught in the book Coupon Mom (there are other books and programs written by people into saving via couponing, that's the one I read).  One tip which reduced my bills greatly: looking at the per ounce or per unit cost of an item, and compare it with others around.  This will tell you if something is truly on sale.  You'd be surprised to find buying in bulk or buying generic is not always the cheaper way to go.  Another tip is to pay attention to sale cycles, as the price of many items will rise and fall regularly on a cycle.  For example, recently I bought 20 boxes of oatmeal because the price dropped from $4.79 a box to $2.50 a box.  Over the amount of time it will take me to consume that much, the next cycle will hit and I can buy it dirt cheap again.

For health care costs, I personally opted not to go the COBRA or single payer route once my group insurance ran out, and took Medicaid instead.

Rule #3:  Communication Skills are the Essential Job Hunting Tool

1.  Networking is King

When I searched for my first job out of college, a headhunter gave me this piece of advice – get an expensive suit, clean your shoes, and go to all the companies in your area, offer your resume to the receptionist, and tell them why you're there.  He told me most people are trying to find jobs in their PJs and underwear through Monster.com, and that you had to go out there and really go after it.

I have to admit, I haven't been successful in job-hunting via search engines, so I have no tips to offer about writing keyword friendly resumes, or creating high hit profiles.  Every single interview I received or job I've worked in the past 10 years came about as a result of networking with people who knew of positions that were about to open (but had not yet been communicated to HR).  That seems to be the reality of job searching – someone wants to hire, checks around internally with co-workers, interviews that person, then opens the position to meet HR requirements, then hires the person.

Given this, I recommend networking with everyone possible (trading phone numbers, emails, business cards, etc), both in person and on social media (including Facebook and Twitter, not just LinkedIn).  One phone interview I received was through networking I had done with professors I knew from Purdue (my alma mater), and when I posted a note on Facebook asking for du'aa for an upcoming interview, I was messaged by multiple friends asking me to send over my resume, and in this manner, I received future phone interviews.

My list, in no particular order of importance, goes:

1. College Associates (professors, fellow students, TAs, RAs, etc)
2. Family (cousins, siblings, in-laws, uncles, aunts, etc)
3. Friends (via Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, and Google+)
4. Previous Co-Workers
5. Recruiters on LinkedIn

You can double, triple, and quadruple your list by recruiting people who have a stake in your getting a job (wife, kids, parents who are also professional and/or networked).

When you give your resume to others, don't wait for them to follow-up with you. Ask them when you can contact them for follow-up, and keep doing this after each follow-up until that lead is closed off in some way.

I also highly recommend making the effort to network with people who are top performers.  When top performers give recommendations to management, it's taken more seriously and the chance for an interview rises dramatically.

After all that, the most important networking you can do for yourself is, as the clever cliché goes, sending du'ā's in the form of knee-mail during the last 3rd of the night in qiyām'l-layl.

2.  Speak with Confidence and Integrity During Your Interview

The job interview can be an intimidating experience if you're unprepared for it.  The only way to get good is to practice giving interviews.  I would suggest checking Amazon for the top-selling interview questions book (I'ved used the Knock 'Em Dead series by Martin Yates) to get a feel for some of the questions you'll be asked on a general level (tell me about yourself, tell me one weakness you have, what are your strengths, etc), and start practicing those answers.

If you expect a technical interview, then research online and try to find the questions you'll be asked.  If you're interviewing with a specific company known for strange questions and interviews (Google, Microsoft, etc), then check online for these types of interviews; you'll find message boards and websites dedicated to listing the experiences of past interviewees.

For general questions, have a family member or friend take you through a mock interview.  For technical questions, see if you can do a mock interview with a colleague or someone in your field.  Ask for feedback on the content of your answer, your delivery, and non-verbal cues (looking down or away, fiddling, shaking legs, slouching, not smiling, and so on).

If you feel uncomfortable doing this with your family and friends, there are services in the state unemployment offices that will do this with you for free.  You may also find post lay-off  that your company has services to support you in preparing a resume and doing mock interviews, so take advantage of this.

Practice often, and make sure you don't exaggerate or lie.  The most confident interview you'll deliver is the one where you don't have to second-guess yourself or keep track of half-truths or full-untruths you told the interviewer.

3.  Communicating with Dress and Personal Hygiene

Dress well (laundered and pressed clothes, no holes, no stains, shouldn't be faded or threads hanging out, clean shined shoes), smell good, and see the dentist if there's visible crud in your teeth when you smile.  If you came from the East and were not taught to wear deodorant (no offense), start wearing some.  While you may not realize it, everyone can smell you (I say this as a person raised in the West who suffered this ignorance in my younger teen years).  And please don't use Axe, it doesn't last more than a few hours!

Conclusion

This article is by no means exhaustive. It's just a jumping off point, beginning with my own experiences as someone who has primarily (only) large enterprise corporate America experience.  Please use the comments area below to share your own insights, tips, and tricks.

Over the last two days there has been a story of sheer injustice going through my news feed by the hour- the brutal massacre of our brothers and sisters in Syria under a tyrannical and unjust regime. Like many of you, I, at first, was just reading and watching as friends updated the situation and death toll rise in their numbers, I felt helpless yet compelled to do something for Allāh said in the Qurʾān:

“O you who have believed, be persistently standing firm for Allāh, witnesses in justice, and do not let the hatred of a people prevent you from being just. Be just; that is nearer to righteousness. And fear Allāh; indeed, Allāh is Acquainted with what you do.” [Qurʾān 5:8]

Today He is calling us to stand up in prayer to seek justice and His Help for the oppressed in Syria.

My mind couldn't comprehend the grief and unimaginable horror the brothers and sisters are facing until I listened to the khuṭbah appeal of Sh Muhammad Al-Arifi here and as he shared the humiliating and nefarious attacks on our brothers and sisters in Syria my heart cried for the trial the Ummah is undergoing.

Yet the Prophet has told us that this Ummah is like a strong support structure and like one body, if one part aches then the whole Ummah should ache in agony of the Muslims who are being slaughtered and killed for nothing but their faith. Just before I began to write this article, a Syrian friend of mine shared what was an extremely difficult video to watch of a Syrian brother before his burial yesterday whilst his family cried over him.

My plea to you brothers and sisters is to take action and stand up for justice in Syria. Here's how we can take action:

1. Raise Awareness

The first step we can all take is to raise awareness about the situation in Syria. You can do this by sharing the most up to date and accurate news so people are informed about the situation and can take action. Secondly you can share the video reminders and stories to help the Ummah recognize the obligation on each of us to help those who are being oppressed. (you can post latest links in comments on this newspost and MuslimMatters will use them to update the post).

2. Write to Your Government

As Muslims who are concerned for the security and safety of those in Syria we should call on our MPs, Congressmen, governments and international organizations to put the tyrannical regime to an end because no human being should want for innocent civilians to die. Unfortunately, the UN has failed to remove this unjust regime and therefore by writing, calling and speaking to our MPs in a collective voice can we inshā'Allāh expect to be heard as we should speak out against injustice wherever we see it. If you are attending a demonstration or protest in you country remember you are representatives of Islam through your actions so please refrain from any violent behavior or aggressive actions. Let's remember that the attitude of a Muslim in times of hardship is that of patiently awaiting Allāh's Help.

3. Stand Up in Prayer  

Where possible join the congregation to pray and seek Allāh's Help for Victory. Pray 2 rakʿah nafl prayer seeking His Help and remember the brothers and sisters in your prayers in the day and night; be certain that Allāh will respond for He Hears the du'ā's of the oppressed and surely if there is no justice in this world, we will certainly see it in the Hereafter. As the Qur'anic verse warns us:

“And what is [the matter] with you that you fight not in the cause of Allāh and [for] the oppressed among men, women, and children who say, 'Our Lord, take us out of this city of oppressive people and appoint for us from Yourself a protector and appoint for us from Yourself a helper?'” [Qurʾān 4:75]

4. Give in Charity

Another way in which you can take action is to support the charitable organizations providing aid and assistance in Syria, giving money and time or efforts to help these organizations is invaluable at these times. To donate you can visit Islamic Relief's Syria Appeal campaign here or any other transparent registered charity who are working in Syria.

5. Raise Your Hands in Du'ā'

Finally, the least of faith is in making du'ā' and truly, our brothers and sisters request that we raise our hands and seek Allāh to protect and grant victory to those who are suffering immensely today in these massacres. At every prayer, in times of rain and in your prostration please do not forget them for Allāh has promised to answer the  du'ā' of the oppressed (Bukhari).  You can find du'ā's for the oppressed here to read and share.

[The following is the video and transcript of Shaykh Abdul Nasir's lecture "Happiness in the Home." The transcript includes slight modifications for the sake of readability and clarity.]

One of the most important concepts within our religion (our dīn) is something that the Qurʾān talks about extensively and something that is very, very prominent from the study of the life of the Prophet , the prophetic biography, the sīrah.  Similarly, this is something that is very extensively and emphatically addressed by the Prophet in the sacred traditions, the aḥadīth of the Prophet .   It is something that is a very obvious need of human beings and a part of the human experience, and that is the issue of family.

The issue of family is something that each and every single one of us can experience and deal with in our own ways, shape, and forms.  It is something that is relevant to each and every single human being.  When talking about the issue of family, I feel that it is very important, crucial, and critical for us – and when we look at any issue or situation such as in the āyāt the shaykh recited in the prayer on the concept of the belief in one Allāh and believing in one god and one deity, the concept of tawḥīd and oneness of God.  What is very beautiful and very important to note about how Allāh addresses the issue of tawḥīd within the Qurʾān, Allāh presents the problem.  He talks about the partners you associate with Allāh –  the false gods, false deities, false idols that you have taken other than Allāh.  One very important way in addressing any situation and one very consistent pattern throughout the Qurʾān and teachings of the Prophet that if we are to truly address any issue, any concern, any situation, then we first and foremost must come to terms with the reality of the situation.

When we talk about rehabilitation and solving any problems and resolving any type of issue, the very first step of rehabilitation is accepting that there is a problem, being aware of the problem and being cognizant of the situation and not being ashamed and not being afraid and not shying away from admitting the fact that there is a problem.  That is the first step to solving any situation and problem.

When we talk about the situation of family, something that is very near and dear to our hearts, and I think that anyone who has any level of experience in community leadership, community matters, and community affairs will very readily admit and stand up hear with me and preach about the dire need of addressing family issues, not just in society and not just in community but specifically even within the Muslim community, from our imams and our shuyukh who are on the front lines to even community leaders and community activists.  A basic khaṭīb can tell you the importance.  A Sunday school teacher and a weekend Islamic school teacher can speak to you for hours and hours about the critical need of addressing the family situation.

Coming to Terms with the Reality

What is the reality at hand?  What are our issues? What are our circumstances?  What is going on with us?

1.  One thing that we have to understand in our very unique circumstance and our very unique situation as a Muslim minority living here in America and need to come to terms with is that the problems that we are experiencing in Muslim families are the same that others are experiencing outside of the Muslim community as well.  Meaning there are certain things that are unique about our circumstances and situation, but generally speaking, a lot of what we are experiencing are general problems across the board.

We have to deal with a very specific reality, and that reality is that we live in this same society as every other faith-based community and every other ethnic community:  current, modern-day United States of America.  We are being impacted by those same social elements.  It is very important for us to understand and deal with the reality that we are similar to any other community, meaning we will be impacted by our society and the culture we live in.  The media and the impact that it is having on them is also having the same impact on us.  The effects of the school environment and interacting with other children has the same effects on them as us.

I always tell this story that I have a little bit of a unique experience.  There are many other people who have extensive experience in this regard, but I feel that in terms of a lot of people in our community today, I have a unique experience, which is simply the fact that I was raised during the 80s, which was not too young ago.  I still may be a kid to many of our elders here, but that still is a significant time ago.  I grew up during the 80s and I was a teenager during the 90s.  I grew up in a place where there were very few Muslim families.  The Muslim community is still relatively young.  It was very, very small.  Minuscule back then.

Growing up at a time like that, I got to see the evolution of the Muslim community, the development of the Muslim community until the point where we are today.  At the same time, there was amongst the immigrant Muslim community this notion and idea – and I don't mean to offend anyone – and this delusion that we're all eventually going “back home.”  That was the tone of the immigrant Muslim community in the 80s.  That was their mindset during the 80s and even leading into the 90s – that they are all eventually going back home.

There was a certain amount of denial about dealing with the issues at hand.  I remember very vividly that when people would even address social issues and social evils and family issues that were very, very common at that point in time in general American society, there was this distancing from those issues and concerns by saying, “Those are their problems, not ours.  That happens with them, not us.”

I still remember during the early 90s, one of my main teachers and mentors and senior shuyukh Mufti Naeem (ḥafiẓahullāh) used to visit the United States on an annual basis.  He would travel around and talk to communities.  I was a very young ḥāfiẓ of the Qurʾān at that time.  I was leading ṣalāt'l-tarāwīḥ for a community at a masjid and he came to visit and check on me and see how we were doing.  We had close family relationships as well.  He came to the tarāwīḥ prayers to check on me and see how I was doing, and of course we requested him to address the congregation like I am addressing you now.  He started talking about the family issues.  He was trying to emphasize adhering to the dīn and learning the dīn and the importance of instilling a system of tarbiyah within the homes and within the community so that our children could grow up with the proper Islamic perspective.  Otherwise, the social evils in family issues that we saw “out there” and “amongst them” – notice the specific language that I am using – before we know it, it will be standing at our own doorstep and be inside of our own homes and communities.

I remember being very young and shocked by the reaction.  I remember some community members becoming very angry, shouting at the shaykh and interrupting him saying, “How dare you!”  He was talking about issues like divorce, kids running away from home, children rebelling against their parents, families breaking apart and cutting each other off and disowning each other – things that have become commonplace in our communities today, right?

I still remember very vividly some community members becoming very angry.  “How dare you even talk about this stuff?  Don't even mention the word divorce!  Our children and families are here.  How dare you talk about this stuff!  These aren't our problems.  We're Muslims.  We don't have these problems.  Those are their problems.”  Pardon my use of the word – I don't condone speaking in this manner, but I'm trying to paint the picture for you of what the mentality was – “Those are the kuffār's problems.  Those aren't our problems.  We don't have those issues.”  There was such a complete denial and obliviousness and delusion present in our communities at that time.

Before you knew it, my same teacher visiting year after year, it was literally a number of years before he was opening up and giving a lecture on taqwa or ṣabr or fasting or the importance of Qurʾān and he was specifically being requested to talk about marriage.  He is specifically being requested to talk about divorce and children rebelling against their parents.

This is the reality that we have to come to terms with.  “Their problems” are the same problems we have.  There is a certain common thread between a lot of these issues; therefore, the factors are the same.  Some solutions might also be very, very similar.  We will, of course, have our own take on them because of the guidance of Allāh and the guidance of His Messenger .  Nevertheless, there are some common threads that we have to understand.  We also have to understand that we are not immune, as Muslims, Muslim families and Muslim communities, to the evils, problems, circumstances and situations that may be “out there.”  That is the very first reality.

2.  There is a second reality that I would like to address here before getting to some specifics of the family situation and the condition and situation of families.  It is very important, and we have to understand this.  A lot of times, for us, this is not wrong or incorrect in any way, shape or form, but nevertheless it is a concern and some people are very focused in this regard.

For some people, the bottom line is just spirituality.  Just Islam, īmān.  They translate Islam and īmān as just a connection with Allāh and the spiritual part of it – the spiritual relationships and the spiritual connection to Allāh.

Understand one thing:  family struggles, family difficulties, unrest, trouble, chaos, distress in the home, and unhappiness in the home affect spirituality.  It affects people's relationship with Allāh.  It has a very profound impact on an individual.  When someone is struggling in their marriage, in their relationship with their children, in their home, and the harmony in the home is gone, that will affect a person's spiritual condition.

How often has it been the case that when you are having a fight at home and are in the middle of a very serious situation with your spouse – yes the mind initially goes to making du'ā', but when it goes on and persists and becomes a serious problem and serious issue, how common is it that you forget to pray?  You don't think of the prayer.  You don't feel like getting up and praying.  You become neglectful of even your ṣalāh.  How common is that?

Understand that even unrest within the home and the emotional distress that a human experiences due to concerns in the family and distress in the family affects spirituality.  Make no mistake about that.

Key Dynamics & Relationships of the Family

Having said that, what are some of the key dynamics and key relationships of family where we are struggling, and what are some of the struggles that we are experiencing?  Then, very briefly, we'll talk a little bit about – it is a very short lecture, so obviously we can't solve the problems here and can't even in detail address the issues and solutions, but we can at least raise awareness.  Understand that raising awareness is the first step to solving any problem.  After a person admits that there is a problem, the next step is raising awareness about the issue and about some of the solutions.  We need to at least start talking about this and becoming aware.  That's what we'll do here.

Parent-Child

The very first universal dynamic of family relationships is the parent-child relationship.  Everyone is either a parent or a child.  We'll talk about marriage and some other things, but the very first universal application of family is the parent-child relationship.  Everyone is either a parent or a child.

Something very beautiful about the Qurʾān, the Book of Allāh, the ultimate source of guidance, ultimate reminder and ultimate lesson is Allāh talks about this relationship.  Allāh highlights both the problems and the solutions.  Allāh presents problematic, difficult parent-child relationships to us in the Qurʾān, and He presents to us harmonious, beautiful, happy, functional, beneficial, flourishing parent-child relationships within the Qurʾān as well to both present the problem and the solution.

The Qurʾān is not a storybook.  The Qurʾān is not a history textbook.  The Qurʾān is guidance.  It is a reminder.  It presents and solves problems.  It points out our problems to us and solves those problems for us.  When Allāh chooses to mention something in His Book and in His Speech, it is there for a reason and purpose because it is very important and very relevant.

Allāh in Sūrah Maryam, and other places as well, very extensively presents the difficult and strained relationship of Ibrāhīm with his father.  A father is frustrated with his son, and the son is frustrated with the father.  Both have their own perspectives.  The father is frustrated with the son because the son has abandoned the culture, the religion, the ways of his father, family, community, forefathers.  The son is frustrated with the father because the father is in denial about the truth – believing in one God.  They are going back and forth.  The son is telling the father very respectfully “O abati (O my dear father),” which is like how we would say, “Dad, please.  Abu, come on, please.  Baba, please.”  He is pleading with his father and says “ya abati” four times.  At the beginning of every statement, he says, “Dad, please.”  Ya abati, ya abati.  He is trying to be respectful and not point any blame.  “You are not bad, dad.  Shaytan is bad.”  He is trying to plead with the father, and the father is frustrated with the child.  “So you're trying to tell me my gods aren't good enough for you, Ibrāhīm?”  He doesn't say “my dear son.”  “I'll kill you!”  It literally means in Arabic, “I'll stone you,” which is an expression in Arabic meaning “I'll kill you.  I'll hurt you.  You need to stop know, I'll hurt you.”  “Get out of here, you are dead to me.  You are nothing to me.”  Look how difficult that relationship is.  Allāh presents such a parent-child relationship.

Ya'qūb with the older sons is a strained relationship.  They are jealous:  “He likes Yūsuf better than he likes us.  He chooses Yūsuf over us.  He loves Yūsuf more than he loves us.  Why?”  The father is trying to make the sons understand.  “What is wrong with you guys?  Why would you even say that?  Why would you even think that?”  The father knows that the sons have taken their younger brother and disposed of him.  The father knows they are lying to his face, but what can he do?  This is a difficult relationship.

A parent-child relationship is something that Allāh tells us:  “There are lessons.”  There will be difficulties in the parent-child relationship.  The child will feel like the parents just don't understand them, and the parents will be frustrated with the child.  “I only want good for you.  Why won't you listen to me?”  The child says, “You don't understand me!”  The parent says, “You don't listen to me!”  I think all of us have experienced that.  SubḥānAllāh something that is unique about this relationship, this is not only when the children are young.  This is not only in the teenage years.  Those who are older and have older parents also know the struggles and the challenges.  That is why you know that very famous ayah of the Qurʾān from Sūrat'l-Isrā', “Don't even say uff to your parents.”

Do you know what context it is in?  It is specifically talking about when one or both of your parents have reached senility and have become old and senile.  Now they are angry.  They are frustrated and their body is falling apart.  They are ill and sick.  They can't eat properly, they can't sleep properly, they can't walk properly.  Do you know how difficult that is?  As young, able-bodied people we have no understanding of how frustrating that must be.  Imagine living your life on your own feet and being independent for 50, 60 years and then one day you cannot even get up and go get a glass of water by yourself and can't get a glass of water by yourself.  Imagine what that's like.  They are angry.  They are short-tempered, frustrated.  Even the mind begins to go.  The emotions become frail.  Allāh tells us, “They get returned back to the worst of ages.”

One of my dear, dear friends, one of my best friends, accepted Islam in middle school and we grew up together.  He is a convert and his parents are not Muslim yet.  Make du'ā' for them inshā'Allāh.  May Allāh bless them with guidance, hidāyah.  Both of his parents are old and have health issues, but his mother suffered a very severe stroke recently to the point where she lost a lot of function in half her body.  He told me, “Nasir, you know when life hits you and you wake up to the reality of life, the reality of so many things hit you in the face.  60 miles per hour.”  He is working and working hard.  He travels for work and has to be away from his parents because he is financially supporting them and paying the medical bills for the nurse to be there to take care of his mother.  All of the responsibility is on him.  He said, “I was visiting my parents over the weekend, back home from work and off the road.  I went back to my parents and was with them over the weekend.  I sat there and fed my mother with a spoon.  I spoon-fed my own mom.”

SubḥānAllāh.  That's when I realized.  You know when you sit there and feed your child?  I have a two-year old at home.  When you sit there and feed your child and say, “Come on, come on.  Open up.”

Another one of my dear, dear friends, we studied together.  We grew up together and are like brothers.  His mother also has very difficult health and suffered a stroke and is dealing with a lot.  I visited him and his mother with him.  Having to force her to speak and to talk and to interact and to eat, asking, “Come on, did you eat your food?”  SubḥānAllāh.

Allāh is talking about when parents reach old age.  My grandmother , may Allāh bless her and grant her Jannat'l-Firdaws, developed Alzheimer's before she passed away.  SubḥānAllāh.  I witnessed that and I witnessed my mother, aunt, and uncle experiencing that.  The mind was gone.  Allāh in that context is speaking about our parents becoming old, the difficulty and the frustration with parents.  Teenagers say, “You are making my life difficult.  God, you hate me.  Why do you hate me so much?  You never want to let me do anything.  You want to ruin my life.”  Usually it is about sleeping over at a friend's house on a Friday night.  “But everyone is going to be there.  You are destroying my life.”  The frustration that kids have with parents is not relegated to teenagers.  Anyone who has elderly parents and is an adult now and mature now – “I'm an adult.  I'm mature now.  I don't have drama.  I don't have teenage hormones.  I'm not going through that phase in my life.  I'm not an adolescent” – you still know about the frustration with parents, don't you?  You might be an adult and you might not have drama anymore, but now your parents are old and fragile and senile and demanding.  They don't want your money.  “I've paid their bills, what more do they want?  I send money every month, what more do they want?”  They just want to sit and talk to you.  That's all they want.  They still want to know that they exist and matter to you.  They still want you to ask their opinion about something like you used to.

Allāh is speaking specifically.  Frustration with parents is a universal thing.  Everyone is dealing with it.  Similarly, frustration with the children and disappointment with children is a universal thing.  When they are kids, they don't listen, they don't learn, they don't pay attention.  The world is opening up to my four year-old and she is starting to become more and more independent every single day.  It is already awkward for her now.  I dropped by her school and walked into the classroom and saw her working.  You know, when your children are small, or at any age for that matter, when you look at your children, you are overcome with love.  The love just fills your heart.  I hadn't seen her for three hours – she went to school at 8 in the morning and I'm there at 11 and it already feels like a lifetime.  What did I do?  I walked up to her from behind her and hugged her and kissed her.  She said, “Abuuu, stop!”  When she got home later that day, she tells my wife, “Mommy, Abu hugged me and kissed me in front of everybody.”  I'm like, “What's wrong with that?  Of course I hugged you and kissed you because you are my baby girl!”

It starts there, and they start to become independent.  Anybody who has teenagers, they know.  I was recently talking to a friend and colleague, another imam, and we were all getting together and talking about how much we love our communities and how amazing our lives are, māshā'Allāh.  We are all fairly younger and all have small children and babies except for one of colleagues who has a teenager.  It struck me.  I asked him, “We talk and lecture so much and preach all the time.  How is it having a teenager?”  He says, “Ya, Al-Salām. Make du'ā' for me.”  That's all he could say.

The disappointment and frustration with children is universal, whether they are kids or teenagers and even when your children are all grown up.  You think my parents don't still get frustrated with me?  Of course they do.  Even when they are all grown up and have kids of their own and are responsible individuals and have a job and a home and a family, they is still always going to be frustration because of what I just mentioned.  “You don't have time for me anymore?  You can't come and say 'hi'?  You can't say salām to your mom?”

My mom text messages me, which weirds me out.  There is something that seems unnatural about an older Pakistani woman text messaging.  It's like, why do you even know how to text message?  She text messages me and she expects a text message back.  If I don't respond back in the next couple of minutes because I was lecturing or teaching, then I get a follow-up text message with a question mark.  The next one has two question marks.  The third one has three question marks.  “Where are you?”  It's a universal thing to be frustrated with your children.  All of us experience this.

That's one of the situations and dynamics in which we require some guidance and need some direction.  I'm going to lay out some of the key family relationships and what are their issues, and then we are going to talk about implementation of some of the solutions.

Marriage & Spousal Relationship

The second family dynamic that we struggle with and are experiencing problems in regards to is marital discord, starting all the way from pre-marriage, how to get married.  It is a universal problem and has become a very common problem.  You can ask the shaykh.  How many young people show up at his doorstep?  “I want to get married to so-and-so but this problem or her parents or my parents or this or that…”  It starts from there.  Even problems in the marriage.

Sometimes in a rush of emotions or even in religious overzealousness, “I have to avoid the sin and avoid the fitnah and get married.”  Who, when, why, what, how – “Doesn't matter, brother.  It's the Sunnah.”  I'm pretty sure getting married blindly is not the Sunnah, but that's what happens.  Very, very young people are getting married in religious overzealousness or a rush of emotions.  A couple of years into marriage, they realize they didn't know the person they got married to.

It's becoming so common for young people and newlywed couples to be divorced within a number of months or even a couple of years if not a couple of months.  Lack of responsibility in a marriage.  A husband not taking his responsibility seriously.  A wife not behaving responsibly.  When you have young children, so many couples experience marital issues and problems.  Why?  “He is not being a father to his children.”  “She is not being a good mother.”  Lack of responsibility.

In-law interference. 

This is a term I came up with.  You know pass interference for football fans?  In-law interference (TM).  It is a major issue.  You have a clash of cultures and a clash of worlds and dimensions happening.  Is all interference from in-laws bad?  Absolutely not.  Nevertheless, the dynamics of that interference and how that interference is causing problems.  The in-law problem.

Lack of Maturity

Rushing into decisions and rushing into marriage.  Prioritization.  For some people, work comes before the family.  For some people, the religious cause, the organization, the association, the movement, the spreading of the dīn comes before family.  That is becoming a problem.  Families are being torn apart why?  Honestly, this is an oxymoron.  If somebody's family failed because of their service to the dīn and because of da'wah, it doesn't even make sense and is a contradiction.  It is an oxymoron and impossible.  It obviously means that somebody did not understand the dīn or religion.

Lack of Communication

In prioritization, there is another thing.  Sometimes it can be the religion and sometimes it can be work, money, greed, and that is justified by saying, “But I want to give you guys a nice home to live in.  I want to give you guys the life that I never had.  I want our kids to go to the best school.”  What happens because of that?  We destroy the family that we were using for justification to chase after money.

Sometimes it's my own hobbies and indulgences.  “I'm married but I still have to play Modern Warfare all night long with my friends.”  “I'm married but I still have to go to the basketball tournament.  I work all week and Saturday is the basketball tournament and the wife is waiting, and we're finally going to spend some good quality time together but I have to go ball with the boys.”  My own personal hobbies and my own personal indulgences.  This is football country.  I come from Dallas, another football area, so you guys will understand what I'm talking about.  Saturday is college ball and bowl games, which equals twelve hours of fun in front of the television.  “What the spouse does is their problem. I'm sorry, I'm not going to change me.  I'm not changing for anybody.  You married me and that's what you get.  I heard you say, 'I accept,' so you accepted ASU football as well, as terrible as it is.”  Sunday is football – NFL game day.  I have the NFL package where it is 8 screens on the TV at one time.  In a 12-hour period, I watch 15 games simultaneously.  Congratulations.  Mubarak.  Do you want a cookie?  Or maybe a laddoo?  What do you want?

Prioritization

Prioritization and a lack of sense of what the priorities are.  In this culture we have a challenge.  I was born and raised in Dallas, TX.  From this culture's perspective, I will tell you one huge problem we have with prioritization, something that we put before families that is very unique and specific to this culture.  There is a phrase and expression that guides you.  I can't repeat it here.  It is offensive and inappropriate and this is the masjid and House of Allāh, so it's impossible and I wouldn't because it is inappropriate.  They basically say, “bros before ____.”  Don't say it!  They use a very derogatory word about women.  It is basically putting your friends before women even though that word doesn't even apply to a person's wife, astaghfirullāh.

Nevertheless, that same concept is applied to marriage.  “Uh-uh, my friends come first.  Going to hang with the boys.”  This isn't even specific to the guys.  It is even in regards to the women.  If a woman gets married and is a wife now, how dare she not go out with the friends to dinner?  They get shunned and outcast by their unmarried friends.  They get pushed out by their unmarried friends.  This is a real struggle that people are having.  They literally have to reinvent their friends circle and rediscover friends.  First when they get married, the unmarried friends want no part.  “She has no time for us anymore.  She has to go and spend time with her husband.”  Like that is a ridiculous concept.

The young married friends who don't have children say about the first one to have children, “God, she's so lame to hang out with now.  Everything is about a diaper and milk.”  God forbid she be a good mother, right?  Now she is being again outcast by her friends and she has to go out there and discover other mom friends.  This is a struggle people have.  People crumble underneath that pressure.  “My friends have to be put first.  What am I going to do without my friends?”  The marriage, the children, everything will come second.  The marriage struggles because of a lack of prioritization.

Lack of communication.  That's one of the most universal issues and problems.  Never establishing a line of communication let alone being comfortable communicating concerns, problems or even good things.  Nothing is communicated.   Lines of communication are never established.  Again, this is a culture in which we pride ourselves in individuality and independence.  “I'm independent and my own self and I don't need anybody's help.”  That manifests itself and creates problems even in marriages.

Unwillingness to Compromise

“Why should I change anything about myself?  If you don't like the way things are, then you deal with it.”   Complete total lack of compromise.  Absolutely no motivation and no inclination to sacrifice anything.  “I should not have to sacrifice anything.”  This on both sides of the marriage.  I'm not sitting here giving some old school lecture about women having to sacrifice.  This is on both sides.

I feel that especially some of the very unique dynamics we have, I can speak about my generation and our challenges.  I feel that lack of sacrifice and unwillingness to sacrifice exists actually more amongst the guys than it does amongst the girls.  Just complete and total unwillingness to sacrifice anything.

Sibling Rivalry

Then a third manifestation, which I'll talk about more briefly, of family issues or family problems is sibling rivalry.  It's a little more unique that even marriage, but nevertheless it is a problem and issue, whether it is the parents favoring unknowingly and unintentionally one child over another that harbors and creates resentment amongst the children for each other.

As families and parents, we have to learn to be sensitive to the strengths and weaknesses of each and every child.  Be cognizant of what is each child's needs.  If something works for one child, maybe that is not what will work for the other child.  Be cognizant of their specific needs.

Not creating and not fostering an environment of competition amongst the children where they feel they have to compete for the parents' love and approval.  I hate to bring up personal things, but I'll mention it.  Abdullah, the crazy guy running around and setting up all of the gadgetry here, is my younger brother.  From what you see here, that's exactly what you get.  I'm the one talking on the microphone and he is the one recording, editing, and uploading the videos, doing all the back-end video work, but there's not a sense of competition.  We have to learn to appreciate what everybody brings to the table.  We have to learn to respect everybody and not compete with each other in regards to what we are doing.  We need to not create an environment of competition but one of collaboration.  When we collaborate and come together, how unbelievable of a strong unit we can become as a family and siblings and brothers and sisters.

I know I'm going to date myself with this reference, but does anybody remember Voltron?  It's like Voltron.  For somebody a little younger, Captain Planet.

Solutions

What are some solutions that we can begin to implement to repair this family situation?

1.  Spirituality

I talked about this in the beginning, and I'll bring it up here again.  When we repair our relationship with Allāh – understand that our relationship with Allāh is the basis and foundation of everything in our lives.  This is something we say in the Qurʾān, this is something we say in adhkār, this is something we say in supplications and du'ā's.  That is:  “Allāh is the source of all blessings.  Allāh is the One that grants blessings.”

There are aḥadīth and traditions and narrations to the effect that when we repair our relationship with Allāh, Allāh will repair everything else.  When a person is beloved to Allāh, Allāh has what announcement made in the heavens and on the earth as well?  “Allāh says, 'I love him, so everybody else love him as well.  O Jibrīl, I love him so you love him.'  Jibrīl says, 'Allāh loves him, I love him, so all of the inhabitants of heaven love him.'”  The inhabitants of the heavens, the malā'ikah, come down to the earth and say what?  “Allāh loves him, Jibrīl loves, we love him, so therefore all of you love him or her.”

When we fix things with Allāh, Allāh will but barakah and blessings in everything else in our lives.  This is something that is very obvious.  That's why the Prophet said, “Tell your families to pray, and you be regular and punctual about prayer yourself. You be steadfast about the prayer yourself.  Tie yourself upon the prayer.”

Talking about the parent-child relationship, we have to learn to repair our relationships.  The parents must repair their relationships with Allāh.  That is why we are taught a du'ā':  “Rabbana habb lana min azwājina wa dhurriyyātina qurrata a'yun waj'alna lilmuttaqīna imāma.”  Make our spouses and our children the coolness of our eyes, and make all of us the leaders of the muttaqīn.  We have to repair spirituality – the parents and the children – and do it together as a family.  Pray together as a family.  Make du'ā'.  First fix your relationship with Allāh, and that will put barakah and blessings and start to repair the relationship with the family members.

Marriage:  In āyah 238 of Sūrat'l-Baqarah, Allāh says, “Very carefully, very cautiously, very diligently watch over the prayers.”  Do you know what is very interesting about this ayah?  Allāh mentions this ayah in the middle of a passage which talks about divorce.  In the middle of giving us advice about divorce, Allāh says, “Watch over the prayers.”  Why?  Because maybe you are having problems in your marriage because you are having problems with your relationship with Allāh.  Go back and fix your relationship with Allāh and put barakah and blessings and raḥmah and the Mercy of Allāh back into your marriage.

The houses in which Qurʾān is recited, the inhabitants of the heavens and skies have the stars shine onto the inhabitants of the earth.  Our houses become filled with nūr and barakah and blessing when we recite Qurʾān in them.  The Prophet would pray the farḍ daily prayers in the masjid.  Where would he pray his sunnah and nawāfil prayers?  In the home.  Do you know what that means for the Prophet ?  This is the masjid and that's the home.  Do you see the difference?  He would take four steps and be in his home, but he would still go and make the distinction and establish the fact that he would take those four steps, cross through the curtain, and pray in the home where the wife and family members were.  Bring spirituality back into your life, home, parent-child relationship, and marriage and see how it repairs.

When you have spirituality and a good relationship with Allāh, it makes you secure in yourself.  It gives you confidence and removes the insecurities.  The parents are not insecure about their children.  The children are not so constantly skeptical or paranoid about the parents.  Even sibling rivalry – they become secure in themselves through their relationship with Allāh.

The Prophet of Allāh was told this same point.  In Sūrah Ya Sīn, Allāh says, “Don't doubt yourself, you are most definitely from the messengers.”  It gives you that sense of security.  First spirituality needs to be re-established.  We need to fix the relationship with Allāh.  Family relationships will start to get better.

2.  Establishing Communication

The second basic step is establishing communication. If you don't have it, establish it, as awkward and as difficult as that might be.  Initially when you establish communication, it is like pulling teeth, but establish it.  If you have it, then broaden it and work on it and continue to build on it and maintain it.  Open it further.  Communication is very important.

I told you how Allāh presents certain difficult parent-child relationships in the Qurʾān.  Allāh also presents beautiful parent-child relationships in the Qurʾān.  Luqmān does what to his son?  Does he yell at him?  Does he say, “Hey, you stupid boy, come here”?  He says, “Ya bunaya,” which literally means in Arabic “my small son.”  This is an Arabic expression for saying “my dear son, my beloved son.” Like when you have a nickname for your child, when you speak to your child with love.  He talks to his child.  He is advising him, not lecturing him and not wagging his finger at him.  He is not yelling at him.  He is not scolding him and not constantly telling his son how disappointed he is in him.  He is having a conversation with his son.  “My dear son.”

Yūsuf sees a dream, a life-altering and life-changing dream.  What did he do with that dream?  Go and tell his friends?  Text message his friends?  Updates his Facebook status?  No.  He goes and talks to his father.  He says, “Ya abati (my dear, dear father),…”  He speaks to his father and communicates to his father.

The Prophet , the best husband of all times, did what?  He would communicate with his wives. 'Ā'ishah says, “I never saw anyone do more counsel and shūrah than the Prophet .  Nobody would consult in anything more – not just community affairs or religious affairs but even the affairs of the home.  He would talk to us.  He would communicate to us.”  At Ḥudaybiyyah when the Prophet was frustrated at the ṣaḥābah who were dumbfounded and speechless, he is telling them to shave their heads, sacrifice their animals, and open their iḥrām, and they were not getting up and going because they were dumbfounded and overwhelmed and almost traumatized by what happened that they have to go back without doing 'Umrah, the Prophet did what?  Who does he speak to?  His wife, Umm Salamah.  He speaks to his wife about being a prophet and the affairs of prophethood.  He communicates.  He doesn't go there and throw a fit.  “Where is my food?  Why is this place always dirty?  What is wrong with you?  Why are you looking at me like that?  What is your problem?  Why are the kids always making noise?”  He doesn't take it out on her.  He goes in there and says, “I don't know what to do.  What is wrong?  They are just not moving.”  It's not like they are not listening or not obeying.  Wa na'ūdhu billāh.  These are the ṣaḥābah .  But they are dumbfounded and traumatized.  She gives him advice, and subḥānAllāh that advice works.

The wives of the Prophet felt so comfortable openly speaking to him.  There is a famous story about Umar saying something to his wife, and his wife says, “Uh-uh.  I ain't about to do that.  I don't agree with you.”  From back in the day and old school mentality of Makkah and the Quraysh, he was like, “What?  Did you just speak back to me?”  She says, “Yes.  What's wrong with that? The Prophet doesn't mind.”  “What do you mean the Prophet doesn't mind?”  The daughter of 'Umar , Ḥafṣah, was one of the wives of the Prophet , umm'l-mu'minīn.  “She speaks emotionally and he doesn't mind.”  He says, “What?”  He rushes over there and says, “Girl, have you lost your mind?  You speak back to the Prophet of Allāh ?”  She says, “No, it's communication.  He tells us to speak our minds.  He asks us what we think about things.  He doesn't mind.”  Communication.  It helps in the parent-child relationship as we see in the example of Luqmān and Yūsuf.  It most definitely helps in a marriage.

Establishing communication.  Then paying attention to how you communicate.  In a parent-child relationship, the parent might say, “Yeah, I talk to him everyday.”  But if all you say to your child is “clean up your room,” then yes, you speak to your child everyday.  “Clean up your room.  Did you do your homework?  Why do you fail your tests?  Why are you so stupid?”  If you speak to your child, that is not enough.  How you communicate matters as well.  What do you say?  How do you speak?  Lovingly.  Kindly.

When spouses speak to each other, if everything is a sarcastic jab: “So you didn't make food today, huh?” – that is not a question, by the way.  You know that is not a question.  “Oh, so I guess you are busy today, huh?”  That is not a question.  That's a slap in the face.  Nothing good comes from communication like that.  You have to give the benefit of the doubt and be open and loving and caring and considerate.

Having credibility and understand when you start to communicate, the problem will not fix itself overnight.  One day you try to have a nice conversation:  “What's going on with you?  I hope you are doing well.  Everything is good.”  And for now you have a history of ten or fifteen years of bad communication and have one nice twenty-minute conversation and the other side is not warming up to you yet, don't be like “See, you are obviously wrong.  I tried and I was nice, and it didn't work.  See, it doesn't work.  My way works.  You don't know what you are talking about.”  It doesn't change overnight.

The Prophet of Allāh was ṣādiq'l-amīn and then he presented the message.  You have to have some credibility and establish that credibility.  You have to establish trust, and it won't happen overnight.

3.  Prioritization

Spirituality, communication, and the third area where we can work on to improve these family relationships is like what I mentioned extensively:  prioritization.  We have to put these family relationships in the right priority, and that is making time for family whether that is a parent-child relationship or a spousal relationship, make time for each other.  Even the sibling rivalry can be solved by spending time together and making time for each other.

Just as a clarification for the father who works tirelessly, and that is fine and respected, but understand that you might say, “I spend eight hours a day at home,” but you spend those eight hours a day sleeping on your face.”  That doesn't count as family time.  “You know, I come home, don't I?”  Yeah you come home, use the bathroom, and go to sleep.  That doesn't count as spending time with your spouse.  You have to spend good, quality family time with each other.  You have to make time for each other.  Put each other as a first priority.

Here comes the shocking part.  We have to redefine the boundaries of 'ibādah.  There is no guilt in spending time with family.  Yes, it should not deter you from your basic responsibilities to Allāh .  Ṣalāh is ṣalāh.  Prayer is prayer.  But at the same time we do have to redefine the boundaries of 'ibādah, of nafl (extra worship).  Having a nice, quiet intimate dinner with your spouse and having a candlelit dinner with your wife is 'ibādah.  It is a virtuous deed.  Good deed.  Reward.  Yes!  I'm not crazy.

You know when you wrestle around with your children and play with your kids – my kids are young – and play hide-and-go-seek (where my daughter constantly cheats, all the time, so when it's my turn to hide and her turn to seek, she counts while looking at me.)  Alḥamdulillāh, I've developed a lot of upper body strength.  Do you know how?  Swings.  Non-stop.  These kids never get tired. I think there's a possibility my daughters could grow up to be pilots.  They never get tired of being on a swing.  My younger one is two-years old, and the first thing she does after she wakes up in the morning is go to the backdoor because we have a swing set in the backyard, and she says, “Outside!”  That is code for “let me outside.”  She doesn't waste a lot of time and is very impatient.  If her request is not immediately obliged, then the second time, “Outside!”  And the third time, it is a straight up scream.  “Outside!!!”  Spending quality time with them.  Making time for them.  You know what?  Playing hide-and-go-seek with your kids and pushing them on the swings is an act of worship.  It is an act of 'ibādah.

The Messenger of Allāh told the ṣaḥābah that when spouses (husband and wife) experience intimacy with each other – I'm going to speak in general terms because we have a broad audience.  When a husband and wife experience intimacy with each other, physical intimacy, the Prophet of Allāh said, “It is a virtuous act.”  The ṣaḥābah were shocked just as much as you probably are.  Are you serious?  Is that for real?  The Prophet of Allāh had very simple logic.  If you were to commit the same physical act outside of a marriage, would it be a sin?  Yes.  This is an act of reward and an act of virtue in marriage.  What lesson we learn from that is engaging in the actual relationship and seeking emotional pleasure in the relationship is a virtuous act and an act of reward.

Something that is established through research and something I learned a practical lesson from my own father as a role model for me was:  My dad was very involved at the masjid and one of the founders of the masjid that we all grew up going to, and alḥamdulillāh at retirement age he was able to found another masjid in a new area we moved to.  My uncles and dad were always involved in this frontline, and māshā'Allāh alḥamdulillāh I learned from them.  But you know, one thing though?  Being on the board of the masjid, being a founder of the masjid, being involved in the da'wah activity at the masjid, it never got in the way of the family and was never put before family.  There could be a meeting going on in the masjid and my dad would get a call and he would say, “Excuse me, I'm not going to be able to make it to the meeting at the masjid.  If that gets me kicked off the board, fine then kick me off.”  My dad owned his own business, by the way.  How many people here own their own business?  A businessman knows that the job never ends.  A businessman never clocks out.  A businessman lives, eats, and sleeps his business.  But everyday there was a cut-off time for my dad.  5 o'clock, done.  Doors closed, the phone goes off.  “You'll pay extra if I come right now?  It's okay, I guess I'll just see you tomorrow.  You're going to go to somebody else?  Then I guess you'll go to somebody else.   My rizq is given by Allāh.  I'm not going to sacrifice my family.”  5 o'clock everyday.  Then he came home and sat with us, talked to us, played with us, helped us with our homework.  Then we ate dinner together as a family.  Then when dinner was done, he went for ṣalāt'l-'ishā'at the masjid and I went with him.  But that was every single day.  Nothing would get in the way of that.  Not the business, not the meeting at the masjid, not the da'wah activity, nothing.  Family first.

We have to learn that prioritization and that attitude, redefining these boundaries of 'ibādah and worship and understanding what's important.  It's very, very important that we understand what's important.

The Center for Substance Abuse and Addiction at Columbia University published research and Time magazine ran the story in June 2006.  I recommend you go and look it up and read it.  It talks about how families and homes where they eat one meal together every single day are happier, healthier homes and families because they spend quality time together.

One of the recommendations that I mentioned from the Qurʾān is praying ṣalāh together.  Merge family time and spirituality together.  When you are going to go to the park, pray ẓuhr and then head out to the park.  You are going to go for ice cream?  Pray  'ishā' and then go out for ice cream.  Merge these together and create a positive association.  That is how you can do tarbiyah with your family and children and instill the dīn within your children.  Eating meals together brings the hearts together.

4. Expressing Love & Appreciation

The fourth area that we can work on is expressing love and appreciation for each other.  There is no such thing as showing too much love.  Expectations have its place, rules and boundaries have their place.  I'm not talking about that.  We confuse love with those things.  Have discipline, have boundaries, have limitations, have rules, have consequences.  Have all of that, but express love.  Tell your children how much you love them.  Tell your spouse how much you love them.  Show appreciation.  Don't just have appreciation.  “Oh, but I do appreciate you.  Do I have to show it?  Do I have to buy you flowers?”  Yes, you do!  Do you have to take her out for a nice meal?  Yes.  Do I have to tell you how much I love you, and do I have to hug and kiss you?  Yes!  Very, very, very important!

I understand that this breaks certain cultural taboos.  In certain cultures, its awkward and strange for a father to tell his children “I love you” when they put them to bed at night and when they wake up in the morning and when they salām. “Al-salāmu 'alaykum.  How are you guys doing?  Everything is ok?  I love you guys.”  I know that it seems awkward or taboo in certain cultures, but again, I go back to the very first point that I made, you have to understand where you children are coming from.  You have to understand human expectations and in the parent-child relationship and marital relationship, expressing love and appreciation.

5. Make Du'ā'

The last and final point I'll make here:  make du'ā'.  Never forget to make du'ā'.  Allāh taught us a comprehensive du'ā':  “Rabbana habb lana min azwājina wa dhurriyyātina qurrata a'yun waj'alna lilmuttaqīna imāma.”   Coolness of the eyes.  Do you know what coolness of the eyes means?  It is an ancient Arabic expression.  To understand an expression sometimes, you have to look at them and understand them from the perspective of the people who used that expression.  You have to understand it from their perspective.  The ancient Arabs would say this.  You guys living in Arizona will be able to relate to this.  Imagine the summer time in the middle of the desert.   It is 120 degrees outside, but imagine you don't have these comfortable buildings and structures.  Imagine you don't have air conditioning and fans.  You are out there in the middle of the desert in the scorching heat.  Hot winds are blowing the hot sand into your eyes.  Even now with air conditioning and everything that you have, sometimes in the summer how dry do your eyes get?  How irritated do your eyes become, and how much do they itch?  Imagine being out in the desert without all this luxury and experiencing that.  Your eyes feel like they are on fire.  Your eyes feel like you want to rip them out and scratch them until they are gone.  Then you come across some cool, clean water, and you take that water and splash it into your eyes and on your face.  How refreshing and invigorating and how amazing that would feel.

We are saying, “O Allāh, when I look at my spouse, when I look at my children, make it feel like I just splashed cool, clean water in my eyes and face.  Refresh me.  And make all of us from the muttaqīn imams and leaders of the most pious and righteous.  Make us role models for generations to come.”

In connection with this, these are just like I said initially, some topics and concerns that have been on my mind for a long, long time. As you see from the context of the Qurʾān and sīrah and ḥadīth of the Prophet , this is a very core concept of our religion and faith and this is a basic human need and concern. Alḥamdulillāh, this is just a short conversation that I wanted to share.  This is part of a larger project that I am embarking on through Qalam Institute.  We are going to have a traveling program called Happiness in the Home where we will be traveling around the country to different communities and have a full seminar talking about some of these concerns and implementing more practical solutions so we can better the condition and situation of families throughout our communities, inshā'Allāh.

These are just some thoughts and things that I wanted to share with the community here today.  Again I want to thank you for being patient and listening and being attentive.  I hope and I pray that this was a source of benefit for everyone.  Jazākum Allāh khayran.

May Allāh accept from all of us and give us the ability to practice that which we have heard.  Al-salāmu 'alaykum wa raḥmatullāh.

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Today's Episode:  Giving Advice Part 2/2

Learn critical methodology in giving advice such as: building rapport, asking questions, taking your time and making du'ā'.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to see all of Haleh's videos on MM

Haleh is now on Facebook & Twitter. Be sure to follow her!

Today's Episode:  Giving Advice Part 1/2

Learn critical methodology in giving advice such as: building rapport, asking questions, taking your time and making du'ā'.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Originally from Turkey, Sister Habibe came to the United States as a student in the 1960s when she completed a degree in Pharmacy at Temple University in Philadelphia.  She moved to the Bay Area in 1973 and a became a full-time mother upon the birth of her twins.  In her time in the Bay Area as an active member of the Muslim community, Sister Habibe started coming across a number of people who were going through tough times very quietly.  She noted that these people had nowhere to turn.  Responding to the need she saw in her own community. Sister Habibe started collecting canned foods in her garage.  Her small initiative became the seeds of what would become the Rahima Foundation in 1993.  When large groups of refugees started coming to her for help and service, she decided to register her organization allowing it to become formally recognized as a non-profit organization serving the underserved.

A mother of three and grandmother of four, Sister Habibe describes her average day as very hectic, yet very fulfilling.  She notes that the organization fed a record number of people this past Ramadan and the clients continues to grow every month.  Aside from one part-time employee, the organization relies solely on volunteers devoting their time for no material gain.  Due to the current financial hardships many families are going through, Sister Habibe noted it is sad to see so many people who were well-to-do people in their own countries now come asking for a hand to help them out in the current situation.  About 100 families receive financial assistance by zakat from the organization.  It is important to note that the Rahima Foundation does not have the capacity to take care of everyone from A to Z, but it is there to lend a hand and help those in need of various services ranging from counseling to financial assistance.  Muslims and non-Muslims alike are welcomed to the Rahima Foundation as no one gets turned away.

When asked about the biggest obstacles she has had to overcome with establishing the Rahima Foundation, Sister Habibe responded it is the hurdle of convincing people that there are indeed needy people living here locally in the United States.  Many people in the Silicon Valley and Bay Area seem to think they are no poor people locally and thus they often give their sadaqa money overseas.  Our communities seem to be busy building masajid and community centers, but it appears we do not talk about giving zakat on a regular basis.  Sister Habibe has striven to make sure zakat has become part of our everyday conversation.  Remember, it is important to take care of our families first, and then our local community before taking care of the rest of the world.  The Rahima Foundation strives to follow the rules of zakat strictly and seeks religious edicts from local Islamic scholars.

Sister Habibe describes her role model as Prophet Ibrahim (AS) and she hopes that her organization's work can be a role model for the younger generations.  She is living her life ingrained in the idea of giving and giving spiritually at that!  Her family fully supports her work as Sister Habibe's husband, Brother Ishrat, comes in to help out at the foundation behind the scenes even though he works full-time elsewhere.  Sister Habibe hopes to serve people until her last ounce of energy.  When asked to give advice to the readers here, Sister Habibe advised us that even though we live in a fast-paced, busy society nowadays, it is important to still give a few hours a week or month to help make a difference in the lives of others, inshā'Allāh.

Serving the Creator by serving His creation, Sister Habibe is an inspiration for all of us living as Muslims in the West and everywhere else!  May Allāh (SWT) bless Sister Habibe and her family with steadfastness and sincerity in all of their work and May He (SWT) bless the work of the Rahima Foundation and help those in need in both the Bay Area and the rest of the world, āmīn!

To learn more about the Rahima Foundation, please check out their website, http://www.rahima.org/

Read more Positively Muslim Stories

• Positively Muslim in the West: Umm Uthman
• Positively Muslim in the West: Mona Minkara
• Positively Muslim in the West: Alya Nuri
• Positively Muslim in the West: Umm Yousuf

Take a moment to think about the sheer diversity of the world, the different races, colors, cultures, languages and religions. The different things people do to make a living; the different ways people spend their time and how we all in our own unique way chose to share our lives with others.

There are seven billion unique individuals roaming around this planet we call “Earth”, some roam mindlessly, some with a clear sense of direction, and others caught somewhere in between doing what they can today and waiting for what happens tomorrow.

But with all the diversity in the world I cannot help but notice, and more so in the developed and rich 'developing' part, a lack of individualism and belief in the brand that is 'You'.

When I think about why someone would put more effort into trying to be something they are not, whether it is a personality, a career or a social activity, the first word that springs to mind is 'Acceptance'. For a lot of things in life acceptance is everything and can expand the course of a lifetime.

Acceptance means being part of the cool crew at school, the in-crowd at university or the high flyers at work, which many find to be the most convenient path to success and popularity.

In all honesty, you would not be wrong, you would have an awesome time at school, get invited to all the hip parties at university, and when constantly around the high flyers at work the bosses are more likely to paint you with the same brush.

But it all comes at a cost, a cost that a majority pay for every day of their lives, and that cost is 'You'. If for all that acceptance you are giving up on who you are as an individual, whether it is your beliefs, your personality or your values, you have essentially accepted that 'Acceptance' and success is worth more than what you stand for as an individual.

But what is the alternative to acceptance?

Let's put some thought into it. Have you ever heard the saying “You're a natural”, which is meant to indicate that someone was born with the natural ability to do something.

A lot of successful people in the world are 'Naturals'; they purely have a gift for doing a certain job or sport better than others. Additionally they take that natural gift, build on it everyday, master their craft, and eventually become leaders in their fields.

So where do we fit in? Well we all have a natural ability, a natural ability that is engrained into us the very day we are born, and that is the ability of being you. Let's think about it for a second, if a person is a natural at something and develops it, then she or he is ultimately living out the key formula for success as we previously mentioned. So if you take that formula into your life, be yourself, take the natural abilities you have been blessed with and build on them everyday, you are more likely to find success at your doorstep.

In my humble opinion there is no greater platform for personal and professional success than being who you are, and doing what you do best. Being you is something that requires no effort, no thought, it just flows, it's natural. In the words of purpose finder Jullien Gordon “The best career to have is when someone asks you what do you do? And your response is, I was just me all day.”

Of the seven billion people in the world today there is no one with the ability to be a better you than you, it is the ultimate advantage. You are already light years ahead of people in the field of you, and that is possibly the greatest skill to have.

Having said that with all the advantages you have of being you, there are some shortfalls, and that is making the difficult choice, enduring the possible hardships and facing the potential risks that come with being you. Even though being you is a natural ability, the world is a big place and nobody said the world accepting you was going to be easy.

But when you go into the world being true to yourself, you are already a winner because you are a person who has chosen themself over acceptance in all its riches and glory.

You have chosen to be part of the awesome story that is you and not part of someone else's, which is an achievement in itself and something you can be forever proud of.

In Apple's famous “Think Different” advert those two words spoke out louder than ever, showing the world a list of the people who have changed the world, forever inspiring the many who watch it. So if to “Think Different” is to be you, so be it, maybe it's your time to change the world. #BeYou

You travel miles upon miles barefoot, without shoes through lands that are inhabitated by wild animals and other lands where tribal warfare is rampant.  You put your heart and energy into this journey for the sake of your family and when you finally arrive at your destination, you realize the situation is not any better than it was back at your own home.  There are thousands of people  around you and they are all starving without any food or clean water.  Disease and infections are raiding your community and everyday you wake up you wonder whether or not you will be alive come the evening time. 

And yet it could have been quite possible that you would have had a better outcome if only your fellow brother or sister overseas had decided to dip into his or her pocket a bit and donated a little something towards your situation.  The situation discussed above was very real and is a description of the people that experienced the famine in the East African Crisis!

Alhamdulillah, brothers and sisters, many of us are not being left to die in the desert or having to decide which child of ours has the better chance of survival.  Instead, we live in a world of comfort and ease.  We can turn on the A/C in the summer time with the flip of a switch and we can do the same with a heater in the winter time when we feel just a tad bit chilly.  We can set our thermostats to within a degree of our desired temperature and we can decide which brand of bread we prefer or how much fat we want in our milk!  Indeed, how many of our blessings do we take for granted!

“So which of the favors of your Lord would you deny?” (55:13)

However; there are many of our brothers and sisters worldwide who are not as fortunate, and they struggle with survival on a daily basis.  And these brothers and sisters of ours in East Africa and everywhere else, they are part of us.  They are part of the Ummah of the beloved Prophet Muhammad (S.A.W.).  The Muslim Ummah is like one body.  If a body's head hurts then the whole body will suffer, and, similarly, if the stomach aches then the whole body will suffer.

And so if our brothers and sisters in Africa are hurting, in turn, we are also hurting!  It does not matter if the people in Africa are not the same skin color as us, or the same ethnicity as us, or speak the same language as us.  Indeed, their religion is our religion and they are our brothers in faith.

“The believers are but brothers” (49:10)

So donate O dear reader!  Indeed, whatever you spend on yourself is only for your own temporary sustenance and enjoyment but whatever you spend on your brothers for the sake of Allāh is an investment that will pay dividends and provide eternal and everlasting sustenance and enjoyment in the life to come.  Therefore, seek to invest in your brothers overseas not only for the benefit of your fellow brothers and sisters, but for your own benefit.

“Loan Allāh a goodly loan. And whatever good you put forward for yourselves – you will find it with Allāh. It is better and greater in reward” (73:20)

The traditional period of courtship is relative from culture to culture, family to family. After the initial introduction, some families grant the prospective groom and bride a chance to meet in private, under supervision; others allow them to get to know each other on the telephone, via text or email. Some families encourage the potential couple to go out in public, usually in a group setting.  People can be introduced through families, well-meaning community members, matchmaking services, on-line matrimonial sites, through imams, teachers and friends with the preplanned goal being marriage. Perhaps a better term for it should be arranged courtship.

Since couples in arranged marriages come together as a result of their extended family and community, they naturally think of their relationship as part of something bigger than just the two of them.  Many couples have extremely happy, arranged marriages. Half my siblings and friends are in varying degrees of arranged marriages. My cousin had a totally arranged marriage. She did not meet her husband until the day before she got married. They are one of the happiest couple I know, māshā'Allāh.  I chose not to go that route, I met my husband in college but my marriage included the consent of my parents and my husband's family.

Just like non-arranged marriages, not every arranged marriage or proposal works out for a variety of reasons. Nor are arranged marriages the only way a Muslim can get married.

The difference between arranged marriages and forced marriages

Forced marriage, on the other hand, occurs when a man or woman is coerced by the family to marry, using threats, emotional blackmail, fraud, and even bribes. Arranged against the person will, without consent or consent under duress. That is not a marriage in Islam; it is oppression and abuse. Marriage is Islam requires ijab and a qubul (proposal and acceptance). Forcing a woman to marry a man means that there was no qubul, this is the right of a woman, regardless of her age.  Without it the marriage is a sham, like living in zinā.

Some parents use the tactic of not speaking to a son/daughter for months at a time to convince them to get married to the person of the parent's choice. This is akin to cutting of the ties of the womb, which is a sin.  Other families threaten to disown the offspring if he or she does not accept the prospective spouse especially if it is a cousin from the homeland. In other places, the women are not given the right to even think that they can say no. They are brainwashed from a young age to obey their parents even if their hearts are screaming 'NEVER.' I have read through pages of testimonies of young women and men suffering through forced marriages.

Among the rights of our parents is that we obey them but this obedience is not blind, deaf and dumb. A nikāḥ is a spiritual contract and you can not have a contract when one of the parties or both of the parties have not committed their body and soul to the other for the sake of God. That is marriage in Islam.

Why do parents do force their offspring into an unwanted marriage?

They love you, take care of you, your mother carried you in her womb for months, nursed you, cried at your every pain. Your father worked days and nights to provide for you. Then why is it when it comes to the time when they should be your protectors and support you in the most important decision of your life, they are willing to submit you to abuse?

Many, many times it is culture. It is often family pressure: they have made promises or commitments to their relatives. Sometimes, their relatives are emotionally blackmailing them by threatening to cut off family ties. What parents often do not realize is in wanting to keep their kinships intact, they are destroying their own children.

Other reasons include a perverted notion of 'izzah “family honor”, ensuring land, property and wealth remain within the family, preventing relationships considered to be “unsuitable” for example outside a specific ethnic, racial group, helping relatives or caste/tribe members with residency and citizenship issues, controlling unwanted behavior and sexuality (including perceived or real promiscuity, or worries that their offspring is gay), and to provide a caretaker for a person with mental and/or physical disabilities.

They sometimes think that being parents gives them rights which are not given to them by God.

Islamic Rulings

Marriage without consent- In the Shāfi'i and Ḥanbali school of thought- the majority of scholars are of the view that if a woman is married off without her consent, then the marriage contract is invalid, because it is a forbidden contract which cannot be validated.

According to the Ḥanafi school of thought, the contract is dependent upon the woman's acceptance. If she gives her consent then it is valid, otherwise she may annul it. See al-Mughni, 7/364; Fath al-Bāri, 9/194

If the son or daughter likes someone else: Ibn Muflih al-Ḥanbali (may Allāh have mercy on him) said: The parents have no right to force their son to marry someone he does not want.

Shaykh Ibn Tayymiyyah said: Neither of the parents has the right to force their son to marry someone whom he does not want, and if he refuses, he is not sinning by disobeying them, because no one has the right to force him to eat food he finds off-putting when there is food that he wants to eat, and marriage is like that and more so. Food that one is forced to eat is unpleasant for a short while, but a forced marriage lasts for a long time, and it harms a person and he cannot leave it.  Al-Adāb al-Shar'iyyah (1/447)

Concerning a minor: According to Mufti E. Desai, since Islām does not allow a minor to conduct business or make financial decisions for himself or herself, a marital contract of a minor falls under the same premise. However Islām does not give a father the right to use his children's wealth without their permission, so how can he be allowed to decide, without the daughter's permission, how her body (which is more important than her wealth) is to be used, specially when she disagrees.

Concerning a young woman or a widow/divorcee: Abu Hurayrah reported that the Prophet said: “A previously married woman may not be married without her command, and a never married woman may not be married without her permission; and permission for her is to remain silent.” (Al-Bukhāri, Muslim, and others) The exegis of this Prophetic tradition is that if she does not speak up that means that she is giving consent.  A wali (close male relative) is a command-executor in the case of the previously married woman, and is permission-seeker in the case of a never-married woman.

Relevant Hadith:

Khansa' bint Khizam al-Ansāriyyah said “My father married me to his nephew, and I did not like this match, so I complained to the Messenger of Allāh. He said to me “accept what your father has arranged.” I said “I do not wish to accept what my father has arranged.” He said “then this marriage is invalid, go and marry whomever you wish.” (Fathul Bāri, Sharah Al Bukhāri 9/194, Ibn Mājah Kitabun Nikah 1/602). In another version, she went to the Messenger of Allāh (ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam) and he annulled the marriage. Narrated by al-Bukhāri, 4845.

And it was narrated from Ibn ʿAbbās (may Allāh be pleased with him) that a virgin came to the Prophet (ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam) and told him that her father had married her off against her objections. The Prophet (ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam) gave her the choice. Narrated by Abu Dāwūd, 2096.

According to scholars you should also not fear your parents du'ā' against you or their being angry with you, because that is a sinful du'ā' which Allāh will not accept from them, inshā'Allāh, unless you are transgressing against them, and not giving them their other rights. Because it is permissible for you to marry without adhering to their wishes, you will not be sinning or doing wrong. (From Islamqa)

Another misconception is that the bride and groom are not allowed to see each other before the marriage and this is somehow Islamic. The man has permission to see her face before agreeing to marry as the Messenger of Allāh (ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam) said, “Go and look at her (the woman you are considering marrying) because this will help your time together to be strengthened. ” (Ahmad) If our eyes are the path to our heart- how can the One who made us, forbid us from looking at the person who will become the most intimate part of our lives.

Some advice for someone being forced to get married

If you are facing circumstances where you are getting married against your will then SPEAK up! You are not your parent's property.  Don't ruin your life or your future spouse's life- s/he may not even know that you do not want to get married and will have to suffer through a loveless marriage for the rest of his/her life. You don't marry someone for your parent's sake, for your family's sake, or for anyone's sake.

You should actively and patiently do the following:

1. Very politely show your parents/guardians the relevant ayahs in the Qurʾān and refer them to the Sunnah, ḥadīth, opinions of scholars that Islam does not accept a forced marriage and gives the person the choice in regards to nikāḥ .

2. Ask your circle of mature friends and family especially your religious ones to talk to your parents on a regular basis. Impress on them that THEY are NOT exempt from ḥisāb (accounting) for not obeying the Qurʾān in their pride. The Qurʾān forbids us from following in the footsteps of our parents/grandparents if they are in the wrong. They sometimes think that being parents gives them rights which are not given to them by God.

3. Talk to your local imam/ youth group leader to speak to your parents.

4. Most importantly pray to Allāh- humbly, in qiyām (night prayers) , asking HIM to guide your parents and to prevent a social and personal disaster.

5. Make istikhārah (prayer of counsel).

6. Seek out professional help. There are many organizations that can help you if you are being forced into a marriage.

Why are you refusing the match?

Analyze your reasons for refusing the match. Keep in mind marriage among families or friends of your family can work and so can marriages between two people raised in two different parts of the world. As long as there is mutual love and respect and a deep desire to keep the relationship focused around Allāh. In our community here in California, a young man recently married his cousin from India who is 4 years older than him. But it was his choice. He went to visit and liked her demeanor and personality.  He approached his parents and māshā'Allāh they are attending college together and just had their first baby.

If you honestly cannot stand the person or do not know enough about them to make a wise decision, or are not physically attracted to them, then let someone know.  Consider if you are spiritually on the same level as them? Are they better than someone you can find on your own?  Can you relate to them? Can you communicate with them? Do you share common goals and values? If the answers to all these questions are NO then please do NOT agree to the marriage.

However, do not reject the concept of marriage to a prospect introduced by your parents or your family just because you don't want an arranged marriage. S/he may turn out to be your soulmate.

Dear kids, your blog post could also be featured on MuslimKidsMatter like the one below! Send in your contribution and inshā'Allāh, it may just be published here! Write to muslimkidsmatter@muslimmatters.org, with your name, age and your article attached.

Lessons Learnt from Surah Yusuf

He said: “No reproach on you this day, may Allâh forgive you, and He is the Most Merciful of those who show mercy!” (Qurʾān 12:92)

This is what Yusuf ('alayhi'l-salām) said when his brothers came to Egypt from Can'aan and realized who he was.  After all his brothers did to him, Yusuf ('alayhi'l-salām) didn't even remind them of all the bad things they did to him.  They threw him in a well to die when he was a little kid just because their father loved him more than he loved them.

Nowadays, it's very difficult to forgive others when they do something bad to you.  I come across this problem all the time with my siblings, especially during our trip in the South. At home, it's relatively easy for me to study in my room.  I have my table, a bright lamp, and privacy so I can fully concentrate.  However, for the past few weeks, whenever I try to study, one or more of siblings come barging into the room and make a lot of noise, not caring if I'm trying to concentrate or not. This really drives me nuts, so much so that I start thinking that I should spell my name N-U-T instead of N-U-R.

But Yusuf ('alayhi'l-salām) did not get angry at his brothers, even though he had full power.  By this point in his lifetime, he had greater influence than the king and could basically do whatever he wanted.  But he forgave his brothers and didn't even tell them of how much he suffered because of them.

Yusuf ('alayhi'l-salām) said, 'La tathreeb alaykumul yawm,' which means 'no tathreeb on you today'.  In the Pearls from Surah Yusuf series, Shaykh Yasir Qadhi explained that tathreeb means blame, humiliation, reminding someone of the embarrassing things they did.

When my brothers start reminding me of embarrassing things I did in my life, I start thinking of embarrassing things they did before to remind them of.
But Yusuf ('alayhi'l-salām) didn't even do that.  He could have done anything he wanted with them.  They did something wrong to him when he didn't do anything to them, so he could have paid them back because he was in full power to do anything.  But he didn't and he forgave them. So thinking about that, I realize that Yusuf ('alayhi'l-salām)'s brothers did something much worse to him than what my brothers do to me.

I really admire Yusuf ('alayhi'l-salām) and I wonder how he really could forgive his brothers so easily. But a good Muslim, or Muslimah in my case, should always be forgiving, so I will try to forgive my brothers the next time they stomp all over my clean clothes with their muddy shoes in the car and my sisters the next time they wear my only clean socks that I brought with me on our trip.

Now, I just have to hope they don't read this post so they don't try doing the above on purpose just to test me… ;)