The khuṭbah had already started. She knew that she was late, but she wanted to attend the Jumu'ah prayer anyway. She quickly picked up her baby and stepped anxiously into the masjid, looking to the left and the right. After all, this was the first time she was here; she had just moved to the area and didn't know anybody. As she sat down in the Sister's Prayer Hall with the baby in her lap while her heart was thumping in her chest. She could feel curious eyes turn in her direction, but she stared hard at the ground, too nervous to meet their gaze and tried to concentrate on what the Imam was saying.

But her baby was nervous too. He didn't know this new place…all these new faces and all the curious eyes. He had never been in a masjid before. He wanted to go home. She knew her baby would be uncomfortable in the new setting, but she thought she could manage. She herself had not been very 'practicing' all her life, but now that she was a mother herself, she felt the importance of an Islamic upbringing. She was determined to teach her baby all about this religion right from the very beginning, but first she had to work on herself. She wanted to learn, she decided that the best place to start learning about Islam would be the masjid and this was her first visit to a masjid.

But the baby was getting restless and she could see that he had already started to whimper. Yet, she hoped she could console him long enough to last through the Prayer. However, much to her dismay, just as the Imam finished the khutbah and said, “Allaahu Akbar,” her baby started crying. At first it was low wail and a whine, but then he let it all out. And she was certainly not prepared for the ear-splitting howl that followed, or the hysterically loud sobbing that accompanied it. WAAWWW!!!

Oh my GOD! What a terrible noise he was making! What should I do?

She thought to herself, panicking. She didn't want to break her prayer. She tried to pick him up, but he was squirming too much. She realized that he was wailing loudly, but there was nothing much she could really do. “After all, he was a baby!” she said to herself. ”I am sure they all understand.”

She wished that the prayer would be over quickly so that she could console her baby. But before the Imam had hardly finished saying the 'Salaam', that they all jumped on her!

“WHY DON'T YOU KEEP THE BABY QUIET!”, they screamed! “DON'T YOU SEE WE ARE PRAYING?”

“Why did you come to the masjid?” Someone muttered, grinding her teeth.

“Stay Home, Next Time!” Another one hissed.

“Bb…But…umm…I…uh…I'm so sorry.” she whispered.

With her head bent low, her eyes downcast, she blinked hard to fight back the tears that suddenly welled up in her eye as she tried so hard to swallow the huge lump in her throat. She thought this was the masjid. This was the place where she and her baby would be welcomed; this was the place she wanted to be, to learn Islam and to teach it to her child.

How can they be so mean to her like that? Didn't they realize that it wasn't her fault that the baby started crying!

Without saying a single word more, she hurriedly gathered her things, picked up her baby and quickly left the masjid, without even looking back once.

Now let's go back to another scenario, 1400 years ago, in a better time, in a better place, in another masjid…by relating to this hadith:

A bedouin urinated in the mosque, and the people rushed to beat him. Allah's Apostle ordered them to leave him and pour a bucket or a tumbler (full) of water over the place where he has passed urine. The Prophet then said, “You have been sent to make things easy (for the people) and you have not been sent to make things difficult for them.” [Bukhaari]

This illustrates for us the perfect example of how our behavior should have been. It shows us an unwavering principle of Islam, that is, if in our social life, when any unpleasant incident takes place, we should keep our cool and show tolerance and patience. We should concentrate on finding a solution to the problem and not just think in terms of what punishment to hand out to the problem-maker. We should find means that would alleviate rather than aggravate the problem.

Where is our sense of tolerance and patience? Where is our feeling of compassion and mercy? When and where will we show it, if not in the masjid, of all the places? The Prophet (saw) said:

“He, who does not show mercy to others, will not be shown mercy.” [Bukhaari]

Did the sisters forget the time when they had little babies of their own and they cried too?

The Prophet (saw) understood the agony that a mother goes through at such times. That's why he (saw) said:

“When I enter the prayer I intend to prolong it. Then I hear the crying of a child, so I shorten it knowing the difficulty his mother will have with him crying.” [Bukhaari]

And aren't we supposed to warmly receive a newcomer, and make them feel wanted and welcomed…especially one who is just coming back to Islam? Isn't being kind and tolerable, the very basis of our deen…the very essence of our Da'wah?

As Allāh says to the Prophet (saw):

“By the grace of Allāh, you are gentle towards the people; if you had been stern and ill-tempered, they would have dispersed from round about you” [159 Al-'Imraan]

Aren't we supposed to behave courteously towards one another? Didn't the Prophet (saw) tell us:

“He is a bad person in the sight of Allāh who does not behave courteously and people shun his company because of his bad manners.” [Bukhaari]

SubhanAllah!

Was this the way to behave with the new sister?

Why weren't we gentle and merciful to her?

Why couldn't we be patient with her and her little baby?

Couldn't we have dealt with the situation better?

Were we a means of pushing her away from coming to the masjid?

These are some of the questions that we seriously need to ask ourselves.

 Helping the Oppressor (Bully):

The Prophet Muhammad taught us the importance of offering assistance to both those who are being oppressed and those who are the oppressors by ending the cycle of abuse.  In the case of both the victims and the bullies, it is important to acknowledge that anger is a natural emotion and to help the oppressor to use healthy ways to express this anger.

We often worry what we will do if our child is being bullied, but what if  it is our child who is the one doing the bullying?  Here are some ways in which you can help:

1. Empower your child inside the home by giving him/her choices (i.e. “What do you want for dinner tonight?”  “Let's plan the annual family trip together.”).  When a child feels empowered by the adults in her life, she won't seek to overpower her peers through bullying and intimidation.
2. Get more involved in your child's life and show genuine interest in what your child does and says.  This makes a child feel important and less likely to seek attention through aggressive means.
3. Firm limits are imperative for objectionable behaviors; ensure that you are consistent in enforcing consequences for misbehavior.  For example, if your child hits his brother often, set a limit: “If you choose to hit your brother, you choose not to play with the PlayStation over the weekend.  If you choose to play nicely with you brother, you choose to play with the PlayStation over the weekend.”  By phrasing the limit in this way, your child understands that he is in control of his actions and, therefore, the consequences.
4. Be sure to act as a positive role model for your child.  If your child overhears you    gossiping about a friend over the phone, she  may take this as a green light to start cruel rumors about others in her class at school.  If you physically punish your child for misbehavior, he may view physical harshness as the way to show his power over his classmates.
5. Teach your children how to express their emotions in non-physical and healthy ways; allow yourself to be a nonjudgmental, understanding presence in whom they can always confide.  Encourage open communication to discuss emotions asking questions like, “Was there a time that you felt angry/ jealous/ competitive/ mean/ frustrated/etc.?”  Help your child to own up to her feelings rather than bottling them up inside and suppressing them; emotions will come out one way or another so we need to try our best to equip our children with healthy methods of self-expression.

Helping the Oppressed (Victim of Bullying):

And now some tips on what to do when it is your child who is the victim of bullying:

1. The best thing, by far, that you can do for a child who is being bullied is to be an active listener.  It is amazing how healing a listening ear can be.  Each day, ask how school went, hold your child when she cries, and talk things out.  This might not seem like much but it is vital to the healing process.

2. Allow your home to be a refuge and a sanctuary for your children.  Make it a place where they can be filled with love, support and have a feeling of self-worth.

3. Talk to siblings about what they can do to help.  Your children might not know what to anticipate in their classrooms from day-to-day but they should be able to expect peace and calmness when they enter your home.  Having a stable foundation to return to on a daily basis can mean the difference between a child being able to handle a bully versus feeling completely unequipped.

4. Be sure to have a family dinner at least once a week; they provide an excellent time to talk together and encourage dialogue.  I remember my mother insisting that everyone eat at the kitchen table every single day at 6 pm.  It made such a huge difference to know that I would have a venue to express myself each day.
5. Pay close attention to the way you react in front of your child when he speaks to you about being bullied.  If you begin to weep uncontrollably, you have reversed roles and instead of comforting your child, you are the one who needs to be taken care of.  This may even stop your child from confiding in you since he may worry that it is too overwhelming for you to bear.  Simply respond in a loving way but don't make your child's battle into your battle; allow your child a sense of autonomy and empowerment by helping her to find ways to deal with it on her own.  Here, role playing exercises can be very helpful.  Engage with your child by pretending to be the bully and brainstorming responses together.

Find out who is bullying your child, how long this has been going on, how the bullying manifests itself and whether the teacher knows this is happening.  Come up with a plan with your child including strategies she can use.

• Move seat or switch classes, you may even go as far as switching schools.  This might seem extreme but your child's psychological and emotional health, as well as self-esteem is on the line.
• Stay with a friend or group of friends during recess, at the bus stop, in the cafeteria or wherever bullying is apt to happen.
• Bullying is no longer limited to face-to-face interactions.  If cyber bullying is occurring, get off of Facebook and other social networks or at least block the people who are bullying her.
• Come up with a safety plan for your child.  A good one can be found here.

Enduring bullying is an incredibly humiliating experience for a child.  She may be afraid that you will be disappointed, that you won't understand her experiences, that you might worry too much, or even that you might side with the bully.  It is imperative to show your child that you are nonjudgmental and to allow him/her to come to you with anything that happens at school.  Ask questions that can lead your child to open up.  Introducing these questions in the third person makes them less personal and may allow your child to feel better equipped to discuss them.

• When a boy wants to be mean, what does he do?
• When a girl wants to be mean, what does she do?
• Does the teacher notice?  What does she do?
• Do people ever start rumors?
• Can friends be mean to each other?  How?

Bullying can have a devastating effect on a child's self-esteem, social skills and ability to trust others.  Here are some ways to counteract this negativity:

• Encourage your child to join groups/clubs/teams inside and outside of school.  Make sure that these are places where contributions are valued and where other members are disconnected from the bullying she experiences in the classroom.  Get your child a membership at a local YMCA, bring her to masjid activities, help her choose a hobby and connect with others with the same interest.  This will give your child a support system and help her to understand that the bullying has nothing to do with her since she will see that others accept her just as she is.

• Get therapy for your child if you notice she is becoming overwhelmed with what is happening.  This can be an excellent measure to prevent the issues from escalating into depression or an anxiety disorder.

• Speak to the school counselor or teacher after consulting with your child.  Please make sure that this is a step that she wants to take.  Be sure to stay calm when discussing the situation with them; it means a lot to your child to see that you are being a strong, firm advocate for them and that you are not overwhelmed.

A United Methodist pastor in rural Tennessee, named Brad Smith, said something beautiful: “God of all people, all shapes and all sizes, all races and all nationalities, all orientations and identities, and all abilities, I pray for all those who will struggle this year as victims of bullying. I pray for those who will be teased relentlessly verbally and online. I pray for those who will be physically assaulted because they are different. I pray for those who have to change in the locker room. I pray for those who think they are alone. They are not. I pray for those who think hope is gone. It is not. I pray for those who think suicide is the only escape. It gets better. I pray for the parents of the bullied who feel helpless to protect their child. God help them. Strengthen them. Show them your love. Let them feel your hope.  Not only this, but I also pray for those who engage in bullying. I pray for those whose self-worth and self-esteem seems tied to making others hurt. I pray for the parents of bullies who ignore the signs and think their child could never do this. I pray for the teachers who stand up for kids and for the teachers who ignore the problem. I pray for those who think this is just a rite of passage. It is not. I pray that not one child this year decides that suicide is the answer. I pray for those who succumbed to hopelessness. I pray that we can all learn from the mistakes and tragedies of the past and that we can protect our children and let every child know they are of great worth.”

Ameen.

As someone who had no younger sibling; who never in her life babysat any little children for even an hour; who has more than the average penchant for personal privacy, solitude and demarcated boundaries of living space, I often find myself at the receiving end of the following question:

How can you have your children (now numbering three, masha'Allah) around at home all day without going crazy?

I was at some point along the first-time parenting journey myself such a skeptic who would have asked any other homeschooling mother exactly the same question! What's more, I would have privately questioned her sanity or marveled at her – what was for me – an almost superhuman level of patience and forbearance.

However, this post is not about homeschooling per se, perchance I alienate those conscientious parents who are striving to bring up their children well but choose to send them to school, lest they stop reading ahead with a dismissive eye roll.

In this post I want to talk about how, as a parent, something inside me regarding my inner views about parenting changed along the way, and today I want to talk about just that (i.e. what changed).

Answer: My own mindset – the way I chose to perceive the presence of my children around me for most part of the day – tantrums, bawls, dirty diapers, runny noses, incessant interruptions, and unwelcome preemption, et al.

I was once a snap-happy, cranky, short-tempered, prone-to-scream-at-the-drop-of-a-hat mother; at least I hope that now, I am less of that, as compared to when I had just one toddler and blew a fuse as soon as she climbed up on a chair and toppled a bowl of hot milk or tea on the dining table as soon as I turned my back.

Fact is, it was analysis of the words of Allah in the Quran, and incidents in the seerah of His Prophet [صلى الله عليه و سلم] that made me change the way I thought. There are a few historic events narrated in the Quran that highlight how someone young, a child or a teenager at the most, helped an adult in his or her work, quest or journey.

Consequently, now when I look at my children and realize that they are just that – little human beings pre-programmed by Allah to act and react a certain way to environmental stimuli because of the age they are at – I cringe and seek forgiveness from Allah for my past skewed perception of them as a new parent.

The sister of Prophet Musa helping her mother get him back

A young mother-daughter duo worked as a team once to deal with the separation of a new baby boy. Yes, I find it endearing to read in the Quran, how the older sister of Prophet Musa [عليه السلام] helped her mother fend off anxiety and sorrow after the latter submitted to Allah's command and put her infant son afloat in a river inside a chest:

إِذْ أَوْحَيْنَا إِلَى أُمِّكَ مَا يُوحَى

“Recall (when) We inspired in your mother that which is inspired,” [20:38]

وَأَوْحَيْنَا إِلَى أُمِّ مُوسَى أَنْ أَرْضِعِيهِ فَإِذَا خِفْتِ عَلَيْهِ فَأَلْقِيهِ فِي الْيَمِّ وَلَا تَخَافِي وَلَا تَحْزَنِي إِنَّا رَادُّوهُ إِلَيْكِ وَجَاعِلُوهُ مِنَ الْمُرْسَلِينَ

“And We inspired the mother of Moses, saying: Suckle him and, when you fear for him, then cast him into the river and fear not nor grieve. Lo! We shall bring him back unto you and shall make him (one) of Our messengers.” [28:7]

Anyone who has a baby (and even those who don't) can perhaps only imagine the pain Prophet Musa's mother must have felt upon being separated from her infant boy; how she must have summoned up enough fortitude and trust in Allah to cast her baby into a chest along a flowing river! Yet, she did it.

After her infant vanished from her sight, and her heart became empty, her “apprentice” came to her aid:

إِذْ تَمْشِي أُخْتُكَ فَتَقُولُ هَلْ أَدُلُّكُمْ عَلَى مَن يَكْفُلُهُ فَرَجَعْنَاكَ إِلَى أُمِّكَ كَيْ تَقَرَّ عَيْنُهَا وَلَا تَحْزَنَ وَقَتَلْتَ نَفْسًا فَنَجَّيْنَاكَ مِنَ الْغَمِّ وَفَتَنَّاكَ فُتُونًا فَلَبِثْتَ سِنِينَ فِي أَهْلِ مَدْيَنَ ثُمَّ جِئْتَ عَلَى قَدَرٍ يَا مُوسَى

“Behold! Your sister went forth and said, 'Shall I show you one who will nurse and rear the (child)?' So We brought you back to your mother, that her eye might be cooled and she should not grieve…..” [20:40]

Why did the sister step in to help? I think that perhaps if the mother had herself followed the chest containing the infant down the river, it would have roused onlookers' suspicion that the infant belonged to her i.e. it was her own son. Further, since the Israelites were killing the male babies that year, the baby might have gotten killed as a result.

In order to be discreet in the pursuit of the baby, and also perhaps because a young girl child can perhaps run faster without garnering others' attention to herself in public than a mother whose heart is torn with sorrow, the older sister of the infant not only kept the floating chest in sight but also played a key role in Allah's plan of returning Prophet Musa to her mother without being killed that year:

According to Tafsir Ibn Kathir: “Then, his sister came and said, هَلْ أَدُلُّكُمْ عَلَى أَهْلِ بَيْتٍ يَكْفُلُونَهُ لَكُمْ وَهُمْ لَهُ نَـصِحُونَ – “Shall I direct you to a household who will rear him for you, and look after him in a good manner?”. She meant, “Shall I guide you to someone who can nurse him for you for a fee?” So she took him and they went with her to his real mother. When her breast was presented to him, he took it and they (Firaun's family) were extremely happy for this. Thus, they hired her to nurse him and she achieved great happiness and comfort because of him, in this life and even more so in the Hereafter.”

By pondering on this incident in the Quran, I realized that Allah has used even young children to establish His decree on earth and used their “services” to carry out his Divine plans.

Could it be that children are smarter and more capable of handling responsibilities than we think?

The young lad traveling with Prophet Musa to seek knowledge

In Surah Al-Kahf, Allah describes how Prophet Musa [عليه السلام] firmly resolved to go on traveling until he could meet and attain knowledge from Khidr. Interestingly, he had a young lad with him throughout his journey, who was called Yusha Bin Nun, and their closeness and mutual companionship is evident from the way they talk about matters:

وَإِذْ قَالَ مُوسَى لِفَتَاهُ لَا أَبْرَحُ حَتَّى أَبْلُغَ مَجْمَعَ الْبَحْرَيْنِ أَوْ أَمْضِيَ حُقُبًا

“Behold, Moses said to his attendant, “I will not give up until I reach the junction of the two seas or (until) I spend years and years in travel.” [18:60]

The Arabic word used for the young lad is “فَتًى”, which means a youth in the prime of life (Lane). This implies a boy who is a tween or in his early teens.

At one point in their journey in the quest for knowledge, this young boy – the apprentice – played a key role in informing Prophet Musa [عليه السلام], when the latter asked him to bring him his food, about how their fish had escaped from them and taken a route in the sea, and how Shaitan had made him forget to inform him before about this:

قَالَ أَرَأَيْتَ إِذْ أَوَيْنَا إِلَى الصَّخْرَةِ فَإِنِّي نَسِيتُ الْحُوتَ وَمَا أَنسَانِيهُ إِلَّا الشَّيْطَانُ أَنْ أَذْكُرَهُ وَاتَّخَذَ سَبِيلَهُ فِي الْبَحْرِ عَجَبًا

“Did you see (what happened) when we betook ourselves to the rock? I did indeed forget (about) the Fish: none but Satan made me forget to tell (you) about it: it took its course through the sea in a marvellous way!” [18:63]

The escape of the salted dead fish into the water after coming back to life, was actually meant to be a signal from Allah that they had reached the place where they would find Khidr (Tafsir Ibn Kathir). When the lad told him this, Prophet Musa replied: “This is that which we have been seeking!” and then they both retraced their steps to that point in order to finally find and meet Khidr.

This incident brings to light quite a few things about adults dealing with youths:

1. Adults should delegate responsibility to young people (tweens, teens, or even younger) and allow them to help them in their daily tasks, especially during strenuous journeys.
2. We should take our children along on quests for knowledge of Deen.
3. It really is okay for children to hang out with adults, contrary to the contemporary trend of pressuring children as young as two to “socialize” mostly with same-age peers and friends.
4. Adults should have a frank and friendly relationship with younger people, especially their own children, students or helpers. Such an open and friendly relationship can make both benefit from apprenticeship. It was this easygoing openness that allowed Prophet Musa's attendant to openly tell him about the escape of the fish, and admit that it was Shaitan that had made him forget to tell him. Note how he doesn't lie nor give flimsy excuses, but comes clean and speaks up honestly.
5. Adults should forgive and overlook the mistakes and errors of youths, as did Prophet Musa.
6. One of the biggest advantages of being old(er) is that younger ones can serve you! E.g. Bringing you your food when you are tired. ;)

Prophet Ismail helping his father build the Ka'bah

Another interesting and historically poignant event narrated in the Quran involves a father-son duo doing what many father-son pairs would love doing in any era: a construction or building project. Only, the building they were putting together was no ordinary one:

وَعَهِدْنَا إِلَى إِبْرَاهِيمَ وَإِسْمَاعِيلَ أَن طَهِّرَا بَيْتِيَ لِلطَّائِفِينَ وَالْعَاكِفِينَ وَالرُّكَّعِ السُّجُودِ

“..And We imposed a duty upon Ibrahim and Ismael, (saying): Purify My house for those who go around and those who meditate therein and those who bow down and prostrate themselves (in worship).” [2:125]

وَإِذْ يَرْفَعُ إِبْرَاهِيمُ الْقَوَاعِدَ مِنَ الْبَيْتِ وَإِسْمَاعِيلُ رَبَّنَا تَقَبَّلْ مِنَّا إِنَّكَ أَنتَ السَّمِيعُ الْعَلِيمُ

“And when Ibrahim and Ismael were raising the foundations of the House, (Abraham prayed): Our Lord! Accept from us (this duty). Lo! You, only You, are the Hearer, the Knower.” [2:127]

We already know that Prophet Ibrahim was quite old when two sons, first Ismail and then Ishaq, were born to him. This indicates the considerable age difference between Prophet Ibrahim and Prophet Ismail when they were instructed by Allah to not just construct the holy Ka'bah, but to also purify it from the filth of idols and other physical and sexual impurities (Tafsir Ibn Kathir).

Once again, the Quran encourages us parents, albeit indirectly, to employ the aid, help and companionship of our children, even when the latter are young (barely out of childhood) in all our endeavors, but in particular, in those of our efforts, activities, toils and quests that are aimed at seeking the pleasure of Allah and upholding or propagating the Deen of Islam (monotheism).

In the above verses, it is obvious that not only did the young son help his elderly father physically build the Ka'bah, but he also helped him purify it, then engaged along with him in earnest supplication to Allah that He accept their efforts.

Contrast that to how some modern-day parents are themselves extremely active in propagating knowledge of Deen and doing Da'wah, yet their children are always in others' company, be it nannies when they are younger, or secular-minded (or even atheist) friends when they are older.

I have personally attended religious talks in homes where the youngsters are never in attendance as their mother or father discusses/teaches the Quran to others. They are either watching television, out socializing with friends, or shut up in their rooms studying for exams.

It is a bit alarming to witness some Muslim families in which the parents are righteous and obey the tenets of Islam, and on top of that, they have been doing active teaching of the Quran and sunnah since their children were minors, yet as these children of theirs grow up, they seem to disregard obedience to even the obligatory rules and commands of Islam, such as praying all the five daily salah's or observing hijab at the mandated time.

As the years pass, a clear diversion is seen in the lifestyle and religiosity of the children of some da'ee's and religious teachers, from the path of righteousness that their parents have adopted for themselves, so much so that, as the parents go off for recurring umrah, hajj, and Islamic da'wah retreats, the young children stay back at home, going out on dates or to drinking parties with their romantic partners and other friends. Are you surprised? It is more common than we acknowledge.

The Quran should make us modern-day parents who think that religion is a personal matter and a “choice” that their little children should make on their own once they reach the age of maturity, wake up and smell the coffee: we should take our children along with ourselves on the journey towards Allah as soon as we can, since they are little (even babies), and try not to leave them with human or digital babysitters to “come towards religion on their own”, when they get older.

In answer to the question…

I have alhamdulillah come a long, long way since my perception of my children as noise-creators, troublemakers, clutter-generators and stress-inducers who need to be run after and coerced to behave properly.

Now I see them as my young “apprentices” in the path of Deen, albeit ones who need a stern eye and a reprimand here and there when they, acting upon their natural human instincts, act naughtily or behave mischievously.

I find myself enamored by their honesty (they are frank and upfront to the point of being totally blunt), intrigued by their relentless spontaneity, and in complete admiration of their positivity and lack of grudges and enmity for others.

I now love having these wonderful beings in my life 24/7, because contrary to what it appears to be like, I am learning immensely from them. For the first time in my life, I am spending days and nights in the company of human beings who have an unquenchable thirst for knowledge, an incessant curiosity about the world around them; an insatiable ability to ask questions until they get satisfactory answers, and a refreshingly tireless interest in others, especially in their Lord, Allah, and in the reality about the life of this world.

As little hands help me pick up the crumbs from the carpet, fold the laundry, wipe the counter and even massage my forehead when I am tired, I sorely regret and seek forgiveness for ever considering these “apprentices” to be the cause of unwelcome interruptions and “disturbances” in my so-called hitherto peaceful and methodical life, and thank Allah with the bottom of my heart for giving me little helpers in the path of His Deen, who will hopefully always be my side as we tread along it to reach the final, coveted destination: Allah's pleasure in the Hereafter.

They said “Hello, I am: Autism Aware” and in order to earn one, you had to be naïve enough to be disarmed by my cheesy grin and then ambushed with “So, what do you know about autism!”

Then, if you were patient enough to nod through my five minute presentation/tirade on what autism is, why early recognition is important, and how to recognize it in a child as young as two (Poor eye contact, less than six words, lack of social interaction) and if you nodded at all the right bits and laughed at my attempts at funny bits, you got a sticker.  Whether you wanted one or not.

(When a child isn't talking by a certain age and the parents get worried, people typically say: Give him time! My friend knew this guy who had an uncle who didn't talk until he was six, and now he's a ninja-neuroscientist-pastry chef-professor!  *rimshot* But actually, any child who isn't talking by the age of two should have autism ruled out before any more time is allowed to pass.)

It was cool actually, people would come to the autism awareness stall because they had seen someone else wearing a “Hello, I am: Autism Aware” sticker and they sought us out because:

A)      They wanted a sticker too -or-

B)      They didn't know was autism was but they wanted to find out -or-

C)      They knew very well what autism was and wanted to compare notes

I met school kids who giggled and slapped stickers on each other, parents whose children were in other centers, teachers who were sure they had undiagnosed cases in their own classes, doctors who were not sure who to refer children to, and lots and lots of young mothers who I accosted with a flier that had some warning signs of autism divided by age from 18 months to four years.

I also met:

•  Dr. Zakir Naik, briefly, surrounded by his entourage, as he made the rounds of all the stalls at the convention.  He politely listened to my autism awareness tirade before the entourage juggernaut rolled onward to the next stall.  He seemed like a nice man, MashaAllah.
• The mother of a nice young volunteer, who came to the stall out of politeness and left somberly with a “Signs of Autism” checklist in her hands with way too many underlined to take to her own non-verbal, hand-flapping, head-banging nephew.

•  A man who, when cheerfully ambushed with my typical “So, what do you know about autism!” replied with a slow blink, some agonizing moments, and the shaky reply of “I know that it destroys your life.”  He turned out to be an autism parent.

•  A little boy with Asperger's syndrome and his mother.  He didn't say a single word, and he stood reading a book the entire time his mother and I chatted, but he did look up and laugh at my one ninja-neuroscientist-pastry chef-professor joke before re-immersing himself in his book.

•  A father who was just passing by when he saw the word autism and stopped because he had just been told the day before by a concerned friend that his son might have autism.  He got the 'Where to get help' flier.

My duty at the Dubai International Peace Convention was four hours on Thursday and then nine hours on Friday and twelve hours on Saturday.  It was emotionally intense, not just because I had to talk non-stop, but because I met so many people with terrible fears that were completely founded.  SubhanAllahiWabihamdihi- my son has progressed to the point where we have hopes for him being able to get through primary school, InshaAllah.  Most other parents get the door slammed in their face right from KG and it is never opened to them again, and here I was telling them: There is hope!  But not for you, because your son is ten now! And hope has a waiting list! And based on the misery in your eyes, you couldn't afford it anyway!

Allah u Akbar.  A person who never speaks won't be held accountable for lies, but it is agony for the parents every single day.  Their child will never go to school, they will grow into an adult who cannot provide for their own needs- forget having a job- will they ever be able to dress themselves?

Let that question mark hang there for a moment, and imagine an old widow trying to care for an adult male who communicates by hitting, punching, and breaking- who collapses at home one day and no ambulance is called because her adult son can't speak let alone use a phone.

When is she discovered? In what state will her son be at that time?  Who among her relatives will take care of an adult male who cannot bathe himself?  What institution will care for him? If he runs out of the house, confused by the noise and the ambulance and the strangers, who will chase him down and bring him back home to safety?   If he fights the well-meaning strangers trying to take him home, how many of them will stay calm and keep trying after the first time they're hit in the face or bitten in his panic?  A better question to ask might be: what color car will hit him first?

These are the questions I ask myself when I meet other families with autism, and the only light in the darkness of that scenario is that Allah knows best.

He does.  Allah knows best.  And we suffer in this life so that we can be rewarded in the next, but never beyond  what we are able to cope with.  Allah will care for the grown man with autism, and nothing will happen to him that Allah has not willed and has not deemed to be good for his status in the Akhirah.  I was asked, by one woman at the conference, how I could even think of having other children (I have three) after my first child was discovered to have autism.  I told her that it must be good for him- maybe if my son didn't have autism he would have been a thief, a rapist, or a murderer.  Or worse- he could have been a very successful and handsome intellectual sort of young man who fell in love with the dunya and left Islam to become one of its enemies because it was easier and more glamorous than being one of its defenders.  There are worse things than being autistic- getting your account in your left hand on the Day of Judgment is definitely one of them.

My son was kicking the wall last night at 10:30 pm.  I went into his room and asked him if everything was alright.  He sat up in bed and said, in his funny robotic way:

“I have – a –secret – Idea.”

I smiled in the dark.  My son is verbal, Alhamdulillah, and after years of wondering what he was thinking when he sat staring into space for hours, I sometimes get to find out.

“You have a secret idea? Really? What is it?

“I'm thinking- what is charity? Is it an idea?”

Two days ago, one of his ABA therapists was helping him with a worksheet in which he was supposed to sort a pile of nouns into categories- people, things, and ideas.  A fireman is a person, a car is a thing, a discovery is an idea.  Charity was not in that list.

“Yes, charity is when we give things to other people to make Allah happy with us. It's something we do, but it's not a person or a thing. It's an idea.”

“Ok.”

“Good night Khalid.”

“Ok.”

He dives back onto his pillow and I can hear him kicking the wall again later, but I know he's awake because he's busy sorting nouns in his head.  On some nights I go into his room hours after he's “gone to bed” because I can hear him talking to himself, and he's reciting Dubai street names and road numbers. (Two seconds ago: “Baniyas road. Baniyas. Baniyas road.”) I went into his room one night at 11 pm and asked him if he was feeling alright because I could hear him flipping around in bed.

“Khalid, do you need help?”

“Yes, where's TECOM?”

“Near Barsha. After Mall of the Emirates. Before Knowledge Village I think. Good night.”

“Ok.”

He's asleep right now, and in our little home, all is the right with the world.  Throughout Dubai, and the UAE, and the rest of the world where one in eighty-eight children are diagnosed with the nearly crippling developmental delay of autism all is still right with the world. 

For Muslim parents, autism is the opportunity to have the false pretenses of societal expectations and wealth and family pride and superiority forcibly stripped away from the core responsibilities of what it means to be both Muslim and parent.  You don't need to worry about keeping up with the Joneses- they stopped inviting you over after that meltdown one time and don't call anymore once they found out your son had special needs.  Trust in Allah and take care of your child.  His disability is a gift, because accountability is harsh.  Worry more for yourself than for him and whether you are able to justice to your child without growing to hate what his label stands for, and have faith- really- in Allah's plan without allowing Shaytan to plant the seed of bitterness in your heart with what Allah has willed for you.

May Allah have mercy on us all, and give us the patience and Taqwa to see even our disabilities as opportunities for Jannah.

Please speak with a specialist immediately if your child:

By 18 months:

•  Doesn't point to show things to others
•  Can't walk
•  Doesn't know what familiar things are for
•  Doesn't copy others
•  Doesn't gain new words
•  Doesn't have at least 6 words
•  Doesn't notice or mind when a caregiver leaves or returns

By 2 years:

•  Doesn't use 2-word phrases (for example, “drink milk”)
•  Doesn't know what to do with common things, like a brush, phone, fork, spoon
•  Doesn't copy actions and words
•  Doesn't follow simple instructions
•  Doesn't walk steadily
•  Loses skills she once had

By 3 years:

•  Can't work simple toys (such as peg boards, simple puzzles, turning handle)
•  Doesn't speak in sentences
•  Doesn't understand simple instructions
•  Doesn't play pretend or make-believe
•  Doesn't want to play with other children or with toys
•  Avoids or doesn't make eye contact
•  Loses skills he once had

By 4 years:

•  Has trouble scribbling
•  Shows no interest in interactive games or make-believe
•  Ignores other children or doesn't respond to people outside the family
•  Resists dressing, sleeping, and using the toilet
•  Can't retell a favorite story
•  Doesn't follow 3-part commands
•  Doesn't understand “same” and “different”
•  Doesn't use “me” and “you” correctly
•  Speaks unclearly
•  Loses skills he once had

The signs of autism- excerpted from The Mayo Clinic website:

Some children show signs of autism in early infancy. Other children may develop normally for the first few months or years of life but then suddenly become withdrawn, become aggressive or lose language skills they've already acquired. Though each child with autism is likely to have a unique pattern of behavior, these are some common autism symptoms:

Social skills

• Fails to respond to his or her name
• Has poor eye contact
• Appears not to hear you at times
• Resists cuddling and holding
• Appears unaware of others' feelings
• Seems to prefer playing alone — retreats into his or her “own world”

Language

• Starts talking later than age 2, and has other developmental delays by 30 months
• Loses previously acquired ability to say words or sentences
• Doesn't make eye contact when making requests
• Speaks with an abnormal tone or rhythm — may use a singsong voice or robot-like speech
• Can't start a conversation or keep one going
• May repeat words or phrases verbatim, but doesn't understand how to use them

Behavior

• Performs repetitive movements, such as rocking, spinning or hand-flapping
• Develops specific routines or rituals
• Becomes disturbed at the slightest change in routines or rituals
• Moves constantly
• May be fascinated by parts of an object, such as the spinning wheels of a toy car
• May be unusually sensitive to light, sound and touch and yet oblivious to pain

by Anonymous



To Allāh belongs the kingdom of the heavens and the earth. He creates what He wills. He bestows female (offspring) upon whom He wills, and bestows male (offspring) upon whom He wills. Or He bestows both males and females, and He renders barren whom He wills. Verily, He is the All-Knower and is Able to do all things. [Surah Ash-Shura, 42:49-50]
 


It is the way how this Dunya rolls and it is the way how Allāh SWT has designed this Dunya to be. You may have something that other people have. And you may not have something that other people do not have.

Single people want to get married (and fast) because they think that's the only part of their religion that's deficient. Married people want to have children (and fast) because they think the only way they could truly be happy (and successful) is by having children. People with children want them to have the best of everything in this Dunya.

People with the best God-fearing children fear that their children would end up as failures in Dunya. And people with not-so-God-fearing children fear for their kids in the Ākhirah aspect. Married people want their freedom. Free single people want to be tied down in a commitment.

So the issue here is that we have to accept that regardless of what we want in this Dunya and regardless of whether or not we get it, we're still going to want more. And more. And so much more.

I've got proof:

On the authority of Anas b. Mālik, may Allāh be pleased with him, who narrated that Allāh's Messenger, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “If the son of Ādam had a valley full of gold, he would love to have two valleys, for nothing fills his mouth except dust. And Allāh forgives him who repents.” [Sahih Bukhāri, Volume 8 Book 76 Number 447]

I mean it's alright to want all those things because that's how Allāh SWT created us.

It's perfectly normal.

'Beautified for mankind is love of the joys (that come) from women and offspring; and stored-up heaps of gold and silver, and horses branded (with their mark), and cattle and land. That is comfort of the life of the world. Allāh! With Him is a more excellent abode.' [Surah Āle-'Imrān, 3:14].



But being focused on those things only in this world is not a healthy way to live in this Dunya. Your camera of life should not be zoomed onto this Dunya. A true Muslimah has foresight. She can see farther than that. Her eyes should be on something much better than all the pleasures of this Dunya. Allāh SWT continues the above verse:

'Say: Shall I inform you of something better than that? For those who keep from evil, with their Lord, are Gardens underneath which rivers flow wherein they will abide, and pure companions, and contentment from Allāh. Allāh is Seer of His bondmen, Those who say: “Our Lord! We have indeed believed, so forgive us our sins and save us from the punishment of the Fire.” (They are) those who are patient, those who are true (in Faith, words, and deeds), and obedient with sincere devotion in worship to Allâh. Those who spend [give the Zakât and alms in the Way of Allâh] and those who pray and beg Allâh's Pardon in the last hours of the night. [Surah Āle-'Imrān, 3:15-17]



Allāh SWT promises you a kind of happiness that does not end. A promise of a Garden, your home inshaa'Allāh, for which you don't have to pay any bills. A husband or a companion who's physically and spiritually devoid of anything negative and unpleasing. And Allāh SWT's Pleasure! Imagine that all that time you gave up things fearing Allāh SWT and seeking His pleasure…in Jannah, how relieved you would be! That Allāh SWT is pleased with you eternally. But to be able to achieve all that one will have to do the following according to the verse above:

•  Ask for forgiveness for sins and seek refuge from punishment of the Fire
• Be patient
• True to Deen in actions and words
• Obedient with sincere devotion in worship to Allāh SWT
• Spend Zakah
• Pray and beg Allāh SWT's Pardon in the last hours of the night (Qiyām al layl)

Dear Muslim Sisters: just because you don't have children, it doesn't mean that you are:

•  The only one being tested
• The only one who does not have a certain type of blessing
• That there's something 'wrong' with you

What is worse is that people may start pitying you. Some people start making up stories about you. You don't have time to waste if people do as they say these things. And you certainly don't have time to waste your life thinking that true successful marriage should be equated to children. As long as Allāh SWT did not say that, who are YOU to adopt such a definition? Worth thinking about. Isn't it?

What this also means is that just because you don't have a child right now, you won't have one forever. If it was easy for Allāh SWT to create Ādam AS without any parents and 'Īsa b. Maryam without any father, then do you think it is impossible for Him to bless you with a child?

What about the story of Zachariya AS who was very old and his wife who was barren? He said: “My Lord! How can I have a son, when my wife is barren, and I have reached the extreme old age.” He said: “So (it will be). Your Lord says; It is easy for Me. Certainly I have created you before, when you had been nothing!” [Surah Maryam, 19:8-9]

So what is it then which is preventing Allāh SWT from blessing you with a child?

Some reasons could be as follows:

–> You and your husband can't handle a child. Maybe it'll divert you from the Deen of Allāh SWT! Remember the story in Suratul Kāhf  in which Khidr killed a boy because he was going to oppress his parents when he grew up?!

'Then they both proceeded, till they met a boy, he (Khidr) killed him.  Mūsa(Moses) said: “Have you killed an innocent person who had killed none? Verily, you have committed a thing “Nukr” (a great Munkar – prohibited, evil, dreadful thing)!” (74)”And as for the boy, his parents were believers, and we feared lest he should oppress them by rebellion and disbelief. (80) [Surah Al Kāhf ]

Think about that! And Allāh SWT does not burden a soul beyond its capacity.

'Allâh burdens not a person beyond his scope. He gets reward for that (good) which he has earned, and he is punished for that (evil) which he has earned…' [Surah Al Baqarah, verse 286]

–> You and your husband's past sins. Now it doesn't mean that those who have kids are righteous people. Not at all. But when one faces a certain challenging situation, one must look at oneself and see why is that certain type of Rizq is not coming my way? Rizq includes money, kids, spouse…in fact it includes everything that Allāh SWT bestows us with. Here's a solution in the Qurʾān :

“I said (to them): 'Ask forgiveness from your Lord; Verily, He is Oft-Forgiving; 'He will send rain to you in abundance; 'And give you increase in wealth and children, and bestow on you gardens and bestow on you rivers.' ” [Surah An Nooh, 71:10-12]

Here Prophet Nooh AS proposes one key method to get rain, increase in wealth and children. And that one key method is Istighfaar. If you really want kids, you may want to focus on creating a routine of Istighfaar. Of course, most of you want kids. Would most of you end up asking for forgiveness?

–> Allāh SWT wants to choose you for Himself. What I mean by that is, often times our hearts are filled with love for people and things. Once those people and things no longer reside in our heart, then only we have room for Allāh SWT. One can never have Allāh SWT and love for this Dunya in their hearts because we all know that hearts are like any other vessels. So we end up then pleasing those whom we love, forgetting the One who granted us the object that we loved and the emotion of love itself.

'…And of mankind are some that set up rivals; unto Allāh they love them as with the love due to Allāh. And those who believe are strongest in love of Allāh…'[Surah al Baqarah, 2:165]

By not granting you kids, Allāh SWT does not want you to waste those emotions over kids. Instead He SWT wants you to love Him more than anyone else. He want to empty your heart from all other types of love which shackle you and make you weak and He wants you to love only Him. Him Alone. So much so that your eyes only see the Guidance He SWT has sent, your ears hear what He SWT wants you to hear…He SWT does not want you to get distracted. He wants you to be focused on the greater purpose of your creation…

Makes you love Allāh SWT more, right?

I mean imagine the situation of Aisha RA. She did not have any kids. But you know what? She ended up teaching and guiding millions and billions of kids. She was not only a mother because she's the Mother of Believers…she lived up to it by caring for those who came to learn from her just like a mother.

So what if you don't ever become a mother? Can't you channelize that love and guide other people's kids? Can't you become a mother to those kids who are orphaned? Can't you be a form of mercy by educating other kids to become great Muslims?

Think about it! Think about the reward!

You may not become a Khadija, who gave birth to all Prophet's kids but you then get the chance to become Aisha. Khadija, may Allāh SWT be pleased with her, raised excellent kids and we know all the wonderful qualities she had and all the beautiful ways she contributed towards advancement of Islam. But she didn't get the chance like Aisha RA, i.e. to teach the Salaf, to become a Faqiha. Why? Because Allāh SWT gives some people some blessings while others, other blessings.

What's important to remember is how would YOU utilize the blessings that you have in His Path?

One way to be content with whatever comes your way is by having good expectations of Allāh SWT. If Allāh SWT made things happen, then know that they are good for you. You may not know but Allāh SWT does because He SWT loves you more than you or anyone can love you.

“Allāh `azza wa jall said: 'Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by being inflicted with poverty, and were I to enrich him, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by wealth and affluence, and were I to deprive him, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by good health, and were I to make him sick, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by disease and illness, and were I to make him healthy, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he who seeks worship by a certain act but I prevent that from him so that self amazement does not enter his heart. Certainly, I run the affairs of My slaves by My Knowledge of what is in their hearts. Certainly, I am the All-Knower, All-Aware'.” [Tabarani]

So be content and leave everything to Him.

Because He SWT knows what we want and He SWT knows when to grant us what we want. Or sometimes whether or not to grant us those things. For He SWT knows best.

***

Some duaas that you can recite daily (all from Qurʾān ) to be blessed with righteous offspring and/or rectify the state of current offspring:

•  Surah Al Baqarah, verse 128
• Surah Āle-'Imrān, verse 38
• Surah Ibrāhīm, verse 40
• Surah Al-Furqān, verse 74

And how can you ensure that Allāh SWT listens to your duaa? Look at what Zachariya AS and his wife are described as doing:

And (remember) Zakariyya (Zachariah), when he cried to his Lord: “O My Lord! Leave me not single (childless), though You are the Best of the inheritors.” So We answered his call, and We bestowed upon him Yahya (John), and cured his wife (to bear a child) for him. Verily, they used to hasten on to do good deeds, and they used to call on Us with hope and fear, and used to humble themselves before Us. [Surah Al Anbiya, 21:89-90]

But always remember:

'And it is not your wealth, nor your children that bring you nearer to Us (i.e. pleases Allâh), but only he who believes (in the Islâmic Monotheism), and does righteous deeds (will please us); as for such, there will be twofold reward for what they did, and they will reside in the high dwellings (Paradise) in peace and security.' [Surah Saba,34:37]

Why's that? Because:

'Wealth and children are the adornment of the life of this world. But the good righteous deeds, that last, are better with your Lord for rewards and better in respect of hope. [Surah Al Kāhf , 18:46]

May Allāh SWT make us content with what He has Decreed for us and bless our Ummah with righteous offspring. Ameen.

And Allāh SWT knows Best. Please remember me in your duaas.

Wasalamu alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Love,

From a sister who cares.

Now, as I raise my own children, I have completely abandoned any foul words, even slightly impolite, like stupid, idiot, 'what the hell', 'I don't care', freakin', flippin', 'I hate you', etc. And I have enforced the same values on them. For a very long time, they thought the S-word was stupid and the F-word meant funky; they were corrected at a masjid in the US.

It was easier to enforce this standard of language when they were homeschooled. However, as they have stepped into the “real” world, i.e. started school, and extended their circle of friends, they are becoming accustomed to hearing many of these words. Unfortunately, using swear words is very common at schools, and “slightly impolite” words are considered normal among Muslim and non-Muslim kids equally.

Back in my high school, I once had a discussion with a class fellow on the ineffectiveness of profanity. He believed profanity had to be used to emphasize a point. I remember him asking, “How will you describe a gorgeous looking girl without saying, 'she is so f****** beautiful'?” While I didn't see any reason why profanity had to be used to accentuate a point, he sincerely couldn't understand otherwise. As much as I would like to think that this was the mindset of someone who didn't know the importance of good words, Muslims have not shown any better conduct.

Regrettably, like many other issues, language has also taken a downfall in the past decade. Profanity has become so ordinary that mean words don't even sound foul anymore. Alḥamdulillāh, my children do not use any cuss words, but I wonder how long someone could refrain from using words they hear 5 to 6 hours a day, every day. It is becoming harder to find them friends, Eastern or Western, who don't habitually swear, forget the “slightly impolite” words. Children even swear at each other's parents. If someone refrains from cursing back, he/she is considered a “wuss”. My standard of clean language is starting to appear a bit utopian!

Islam urges us to use pleasant speech and decent words. Selection of words distinguishes a human being and is a means to achieve Paradise or Hellfire. Countless aḥadīth emphasize the necessity of safeguarding one's tongue, and a number of verses mention the virtues of using good words. Allah 'azza wa jall compares good words to a virtuous tree:

أَلَمْ تَرَ كَيْفَ ضَرَبَ اللَّهُ مَثَلًا كَلِمَةً طَيِّبَةً كَشَجَرَةٍ طَيِّبَةٍ أَصْلُهَا ثَابِتٌ وَفَرْعُهَا فِي السَّمَاءِ تُؤْتِي أُكُلَهَا كُلَّ حِينٍ بِإِذْنِ  رَبِّهَا

“Have you not considered how Allah presents an example, a good word like a good tree, whose root is firmly fixed and its branches in the sky? It produces its fruit all the time, by permission of its Lord.” (14:24-25)

He 'azza wa jall has ordered the believers to say:

وَقُولُوا لِلنَّاسِ حُسْنًا  “And speak to people good [words].” (2:83)

وَقُولُوا لَهُمْ قَوْلًا مَّعْرُوفًا   “And speak to them words of appropriate kindness.” (4:5)

And Allah 'azza wa jall informed us:

إِلَيْهِ يَصْعَدُ الْكَلِمُ الطَّيِّبُ
“Whoever desires honor – then to Allah belongs all honor. To Him ascends good speech, and righteous work raises it.” (35:10)

While our religion holds good, pure language in high esteem, our youth (and adults) have succumbed to the use of profanity. It is heart-breaking to see even the good children use:

• vulgar jokes
• profanity to emphasize a point
• swear at others
• insult friends as a sign of “friendship”
• use words that contain a demeaning/disparaging tone as a normal way of communication

Allah 'azza wa jall commands us:

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا اتَّقُوا اللَّهَ وَقُولُوا قَوْلًا سَدِيدًا
“O you who have believed, fear Allah and speak words of appropriate justice.” (33:70)

قَوْلًا سَدِيدًا  is defined as:

قَوْلً: This is the speech that is released from a person's mouth and reflects his inner self.
سَدِيدًا: indicates shooting an arrow that hits the target without even slightly deviating, i.e. it leaves the bow and goes straight to the target.

Concurrently, it means a word/statement that is said without adding anything useless to it. In other words, a speech conveyed in the most cleanly and pure form. It has also been explained as:

“Together it consists of obligatory statements, righteous and beneficial statements, like salutation with salaam, and good words that brings about happiness in the hearts of the believers, and improvement among people.”[i]

What possible benefit, blessings or goodness can using words like damn, flippin', freakin', or other insulting words bring in a believer's life?

Aim for the Stars

We must keep in mind that often we achieve less than what we had originally aimed to achieve. If we only aim for keeping our children from using swear words, the chances are our results will slouch at some point, and they may actually end up using profanity. However, if we try to aim high, and keep away from any insulting words or words that have no beneficial meaning, then even if we achieve less than our goal, inshaAllah they will still be safe from using profanity. And if we achieve our goal then alhamdullilah we definitely, with Allah's help, have raised our children to a higher moral standard and kept them from اللغو.

اللغو: generally means any word/speech that is purposeless, does not bring about any benefit and is considered ill-speech.[ii]

Allah 'azza wa jall told us that the people of Jannah will be safe from اللغو:

ا يَسْمَعُونَ فِيهَا لَغْوًا
“They will not hear therein ill speech…” (56:25)

Most importantly, Allah 'azza wa jall described those believers who are successful as:

وَالَّذِينَ هُمْ عَنِ اللَّغْوِ مُعْرِضُونَ
 “And they who turn away from ill speech.” (23:3)

Benefits of Pleasant Speech & Good Words

I now conclude with the last part of the verse from Sūrat'l-Aḥzāb. Though Allah commands us to say قَوْلًا سَدِيدًا, He gives us an incentive:

يُصْلِحْ لَكُمْ أَعْمَالَكُمْ وَيَغْفِرْ لَكُمْ ذُنُوبَكُمْ
“He will [then] amend for you your deeds and forgive you your sins.”

The result of using righteous words and pleasant speech leads towards Allah's forgiveness. Allah 'azza wa jall improves and corrects one's action and replaces the bad deeds and forgives one's sins. This is the reward of those who are mindful of their speech and selective of their words so much so that using insults towards others doesn't suit their personality anymore.

Would we not want our children's actions to be corrected? What wouldn't we give up to get their sins forgiven by Ar- Raḥmān? What wouldn't we do to have Allah Himself, 'azza wa jall, monitor their actions?

Knowing the blessings and excellence of clean language should only makes us more fervent to instill the habit of using good words and eliminating any foul/insulting words from their daily language. Hence, I urge parents to carefully monitor the selection of their children's words and their own words at home.

May Allah 'azza wa jall give us and our children tawfīq to use قَوْلًا سَدِيدًا.

[i] http://www.islamweb.net/media/index.php?page=article&lang=A&id=148349

[ii] http://www.dralsherif.net/Fatwa.aspx?SectionID=4&RefID=1212

Her abusive relationship has brought her to the point of wishing for her husband's death, but she is unwilling to get out of the marriage for only one reason: financial instability. Her husband is the breadwinner and she left her studies to convert and marry him. If she leaves the marriage, she will not have anyone to support her or her children.

Another sister is in a worse situation; her husband not only verbally abuses her, but also suffers a sexual addiction. She also remains in her marriage because she is unable to financially support herself and her children. She says if anyone from her family could buy her an accommodation she would leave her husband the same day.

When it comes to domestic violence or abusive relationships, the issues of shame and dishonor have often been addressed. However, there are other reasons why women endure:

Financial Support

Many Muslim women endure domestic violence because they do not have the financial means to support themselves or their children. In most cases, husbands are the sole breadwinner and the wife becomes highly dependent on him for financial support. She would rather take the abuse than try to become financially independent.

Lack of Academic Education

Even in current times, many parents continue to put more emphasis on their sons' education and undermine that of their daughters. As soon as a good suitor approaches, parents marry their daughters off without taking any future commitments to the completion of her education.

Complications in Remarrying

It is a well-known fact that divorced Muslim women have a hard time remarrying, especially if they have children. The fear of living a life without a husband seems more difficult than having one who is abusive.

Self-Image

Sometimes women with education and financial stability tolerate domestic violence just to maintain the image of being in a stable relationship. In their minds, an unsuccessful marriage is conceived as a failure on their part. Their ego stops them from being known as the “victims” of domestic violence.

For the Children's Sake

At other times women drag along their relationship just so that their children don't have to grow up in broken homes. They believe a family with a mother and father is better than one with a single parent.

Should Women Endure?

No matter what the reason may be, there is no excuse for enduring injustice. Unfortunately, in many cultures, there is so much negativity associated with seeking help through a third party and/or pursuing a divorce, that many women willingly endure domestic violence rather than protect their rights.

1.    Seek Help

First, let us realize that not every case of domestic violence has to end in divorce. True, there are cases that definitely require a divorce, but there are other cases that can be sorted out without one. One may never know until they seek professional help.

2.    Your Marriage is not SOLELY your Responsibility

Do not be deceived into thinking that you are the one responsible for disclosing the “secrets” of your marriage by seeking help. You need help, your spouse needs help and your marriage needs help. If your spouse was sick, would you not go to the doctor to help explain his/her situation? Only selective people need to know what is happening in your marriage. Seek help though a professional and through close family members and friends whom you can trust.

3.    Evil Effects on Children

You will not be putting your children though any “embarrassing” situation should you seek help though a third party. They will, in fact, appreciate any help you can get to resolve the issue, rather than growing up watching their mother being abused by their father.

In case the solution is a divorce, again it is better for the children to grow up in an outwardly broken home rather than growing up, emotionally traumatized, in an internally broken home, trying to keep it a secret.

Complications of Remarriage, Financial Instability, and the Muslim Community:

In cases where the solution is divorce from an abusive relationship, the quandaries of remarriage and financial support need answers. We are not living in the time of the ṣaḥābah, where divorced/widowed women had no difficulty in remarrying. It is not practical for women to live a single life. Even when offering polygamy as a solution, hardly any brothers are willing to marry a divorcee with children.

Neither are we living in 'Umar 's time, who had set up an excellent support system for single women with no male family member to support them. Many sisters in the US do not work, and solely rely upon the husband for financial support.

Please do not misunderstand me. I am not suggesting that due to these challenges a destructive marriage needs to drag, rather I am encouraging the Muslim communities to think of solutions for these issues.

“He [Allāh] will make for him of his matter ease.”

While we find the practical solutions, let me remind my sisters and brothers who want to leave an abusive marriage to put their trust in Allāh as He instructed us.

“And whoever fears Allāh – He will make for him a way out And will provide for him from where he does not expect. And whoever relies upon Allāh – then He is sufficient for him.” (Al-Ṭalāq: 2-3)

It is interesting that Sūrat'l-Ṭalāq (divorce) is full of verses reminding us about putting tawakkul in Allāh and solely relying on Him for support. There are several reminders in this surah that Allāh will bring ease and Allāh will not overburden a soul, subhanAllāh.

Tie your Camel

When a family member was getting married, her husband-to-be, who is a very practicing brother mashaAllah, did not deem it necessary for his wife to complete her education. Though her parents wanted her to, they didn't want to miss the good proposal either. The suitor promised that he will provide his best for her as long as he lives, and in case anything was to happen to him, then his wife should put tawakkul in Allāh and make the best of her situation.

Alhamdullilah the need never arose and the parents didn't have to regret their decision. But, there are other cases where the husband turns out to be a very different person than what he had appeared initially. Daughters have to make the “best of their situation”.

I believe the necessity of educating our daughters (not to mention the importance of education itself) is vital, especially in our times. I am a proponent of early marriages, but I also believe that a higher education for our daughters is “tying your camel's rope”. Allah knows best.

Parents will have to come up with ways to support both early marriage and education without one becoming a hindrance to the other.

May Allāh protect Muslim families, bless their marriages with love and harmony, and protect our children and bless them with salih spouses, amin ya rabb.

By Mahmoud Amin El-Gamal - This is a transcript of Dr. El-Gamal's khutbah given on February 10, 2012.

O community of faith, have the proper measure of God consciousness and do not die except in a state of submission to God (3:102)  (= Islam. And the third pillar of Islam is alms-giving  (zakāh)).

:صحيح البخاري: ‏كِتَاب ‏ ‏الْإِيمَانِ ‏.

‏حَدَّثَنَا ‏ ‏عُبَيْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ مُوسَى ‏ ‏قَالَ أَخْبَرَنَا ‏ ‏حَنْظَلَةُ بْنُ أَبِي سُفْيَانَ ‏ ‏عَنْ ‏ ‏عِكْرِمَةَ بْنِ خَالِدٍ ‏ ‏عَنْ ‏ ‏ابْنِ عُمَرَ ‏ ‏رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُمَا ‏ ( ‏قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ ‏ ‏صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ ‏ ‏بُنِيَ الْإِسْلَامُ عَلَى خَمْسٍ شَهَادَةِ أَنْ لَا إِلَهَ إِلَّا اللَّهُ وَأَنَّ ‏ ‏مُحَمَّدًا ‏ ‏رَسُولُ اللَّهِ وَإِقَامِ الصَّلَاةِ وَإِيتَاءِ الزَّكَاةِ وَالْحَجِّ وَصَوْمِ رَمَضَانَ ‏).

(Islam was built on five pillars: confession that there is no God but God and that Muhammad is his messenger, establishing prayers, giving alms, performing pilgrimage, and fasting in Ramaḍān).

What is the purpose of alms-giving? It is quite explicit in the Prophet's command to Mu'ādh :

 ‏كِتَاب ‏ ‏الزَّكَاةِ :صحيح البخاري

‏حَدَّثَنَا ‏ ‏أَبُو عَاصِمٍ الضَّحَّاكُ بْنُ مَخْلَدٍ ‏ ‏عَنْ ‏ ‏زَكَرِيَّاءَ بْنِ إِسْحَاقَ ‏ ‏عَنْ ‏ ‏يَحْيَى بْنِ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ صَيْفِيٍّ ‏ ‏عَنْ ‏ ‏أَبِي مَعْبَدٍ ‏ ‏عَنْ ‏ ‏ابْنِ عَبَّاسٍ ‏ ‏رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُمَا ‏ ( ‏أَنَّ النَّبِيَّ ‏ ‏صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ ‏ ‏بَعَثَ ‏ ‏مُعَاذًا ‏ ‏رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ ‏ ‏إِلَى ‏ ‏الْيَمَنِ ‏ ‏فَقَالَ ‏ ‏ادْعُهُمْ إِلَى شَهَادَةِ أَنْ لَا إِلَهَ إِلَّا اللَّهُ وَأَنِّي رَسُولُ اللَّهِ فَإِنْ هُمْ أَطَاعُوا لِذَلِكَ فَأَعْلِمْهُمْ أَنَّ اللَّهَ قَدْ افْتَرَضَ عَلَيْهِمْ خَمْسَ صَلَوَاتٍ فِي كُلِّ يَوْمٍ وَلَيْلَةٍ فَإِنْ هُمْ أَطَاعُوا لِذَلِكَ فَأَعْلِمْهُمْ أَنَّ اللَّهَ افْتَرَضَ عَلَيْهِمْ صَدَقَةً فِي أَمْوَالِهِمْ تُؤْخَذُ مِنْ أَغْنِيَائِهِمْ وَتُرَدُّ عَلَى فُقَرَائِهِمْ ‏).

The Prophet sent Mu'ādh to Yemen and told him to call them to witnessing that there is no God but God and that Muhammad is his messenger, if they obey him on that to inform them that God has mandated five prayers on them during each day-and-night cycle, then if they obey to inform them that Allāh has mandated them to pay a charity on their wealth, to be taken from their rich and returned to their poor.

Yes, there are as many as eight avenues for the payment of zakāh, as per the verse:

Charity is restricted to these categories: the poor, the needy, its distributors, those whose hearts must be won, freeing people from bondage, freeing people from debilitating debt, to struggle in the Way of God, and to support the wayfarer — this is a mandate from God; and God is the Most Knowing the Most Wise [9:60].

And, yes, there are many technicalities that Muslims can exploit — from using zakāh shelters by putting their wealth in assets that were not traditionally subject to zakāh to giving too much of it to the building of mosques and other activities that enrich real estate developers and bankers and contribute to their own consumption without helping the poor, the needy, etc. Obeying the letter of the law without understanding its content is the biggest tragedy of today's Muslims, which gave us the travesty of “Islamic finance” that enriches bankers and others by providing inferior financial products at higher costs.

It is also the method through which the champions and multi-million beneficiaries of the mislabeled “Islamic finance” tell us that we should not think rationally about zakāh because it is an act of worship — thus protecting the interests of the real estate developers, the bankers, and those who want to spend only in ways that contribute to their own religious consumption.

The order in the verse matters: poverty comes first!! Yes, scholars cannot tell me that I did not pay my zakāh if I spent it all on some building while millions suffered oppressive poverty, but that does not make it right. Scholars also will not tell me that I made any mistake by spending tens of thousands of dollars performing a second or third Hajj or an umpteenth 'Umrah — religious consumption — instead of letting the wealth stay and paying my due share of alms.

The scholars — and now I am talking about real scholars not those who maximize their consultancy fees — can't see my heart, and can't wake up my conscience. But I am ashamed to be a hypocrite.

Do I want scholarship? Then fine, here is some scholarship, all from Ibn Qudama's   Al-Mughni:

Imam Mālik said (regarding which areas should receive zakāh) that one should investigate where it is needed, and go by order of priority.

Based on the Ḥadīth of Mu'ādh , quoted above, Mu'ādh was ordered first to take from their rich and give to their poor, and did not mention any other category for which alms should be given until he received more wealth and could pay a category other than the poor.

Then he (Ibn Qudama) said: “And it is not permissible to move charity from its city to another city at a distance that would justify shortening the prayer” (which is only a few tens of miles). Ahmad was asked if zakāh could be transported from one country to another, and he said no. He was asked if that would be the ruling even if the person's relatives lived in that other country, and he still said no.

It was narrated that `Umar ibn `Abedlaziz returned zakāh that was sent from Khurasan to him in the Levant.

The Prophet instructed Mu'ādh specifically to take from the rich and give to the poor in the same land. Thus, when Mu'ādh later sent zakāh money to 'Umar b. Al-Khaṭṭāb , `Umar chastised him by saying, “I did not send you there a tax collector; but sent you (as the Prophet had done) to take from their rich and give to their poor.”

Did I get the idea already, or should I read more? Well, I can read more and see that Ibn Qudama says that if one were to violate all these priorities, and give to build a fancy mosque (or in the case of my native Egypt, to the development of a Science city to satisfy the desires of an ego-maniacal Egyptian scientist), or even to give the poor in one's native country, it can still be charged against one's obligatory zakāh. Am I then looking for technicalities, or do I want to do the right thing? The right thing is to look around us and see the poverty in this land of opportunity. America's shame is not only her history of slavery (a history that we as Muslims share), but also the continued racism and denial of opportunity to a massive underclass, including numerous Muslims, most of whom are African-American. This racism and poverty is America's shame, but it is our double shame as Muslims. We are racist too, except for those whom God has blessed. Even dating back to the life of the Prophet , we see the following Ḥadīth about one of the most pious men of Islamic history and one of the Prophet's dearest companions:

صحيح البخاري: ‏كِتَاب ‏ ‏الْإِيمَانِ ‏.
‏حَدَّثَنَا ‏ ‏سُلَيْمَانُ بْنُ حَرْبٍ ‏ ‏قَالَ حَدَّثَنَا ‏ ‏شُعْبَةُ ‏ ‏عَنْ ‏ ‏وَاصِلٍ الْأَحْدَبِ ‏ ‏عَنْ ‏ ‏الْمَعْرُورِ بْنِ سُوَيْدٍ ‏ ‏قَالَ لَقِيتُ ‏ ‏أَبَا ذَرٍّ ‏ ( ‏بِالرَّبَذَةِ ‏ ‏وَعَلَيْهِ ‏ ‏حُلَّةٌ ‏ ‏وَعَلَى غُلَامِهِ ‏ ‏حُلَّةٌ ‏ ‏فَسَأَلْتُهُ عَنْ ذَلِكَ فَقَالَ إِنِّي سَابَبْتُ ‏ ‏رَجُلًا ‏ ‏فَعَيَّرْتُهُ بِأُمِّهِ فَقَالَ لِي النَّبِيُّ ‏ ‏صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ ‏ ‏يَا ‏ ‏أَبَا ذَرٍّ ‏ ‏أَعَيَّرْتَهُ بِأُمِّهِ إِنَّكَ امْرُؤٌ فِيكَ جَاهِلِيَّةٌ إِخْوَانُكُمْ ‏ ‏خَوَلُكُمْ ‏ ‏جَعَلَهُمْ اللَّهُ تَحْتَ أَيْدِيكُمْ فَمَنْ كَانَ أَخُوهُ تَحْتَ يَدِهِ فَلْيُطْعِمْهُ مِمَّا يَأْكُلُ وَلْيُلْبِسْهُ مِمَّا يَلْبَسُ وَلَا تُكَلِّفُوهُمْ مَا ‏ ‏يَغْلِبُهُمْ ‏ ‏فَإِنْ كَلَّفْتُمُوهُمْ فَأَعِينُوهُمْ ‏).

(Abu Dharr narrated that he exchanged insults with a man and in the heat of argument insulted his mother — the man according to another narration was Bilāl, and the insult was racist; I do not wish to repeat that insult here and list above the narration without the insult — The Prophet told Abu Dharr, “You insulted his mother (in racist fashion), you are a man with jāhiliyyah (ignorance) in your heart.”

I don't need to give you more recent evidence from the Islamic world and Muslim communities here in America.

I must remind myself that the word for zakāh as “charity” does not indicate superiority of the giver, but a right for the poor; the poor here, who are predominantly African-American. Black Americans have twice the unemployment rate and poverty rates of other Americans, and the same is true for Black American Muslims. Their college graduation rates are half these of other American Muslims and their poverty rates are twice these of other American Muslims.

This is a travesty, and it is our triple shame. It is America's shame that poverty and racism continues to this day. It is Muslims' double shame that they have even more massive inequalities and racism (to the degree of quasi-slavery in some Muslim countries) despite having a religion that orders the opposite. Like Abu Dharr , we still have plenty of ignorance in our hearts, most probably much more. It is therefore the triple shame of American Muslims that we are not doing enough to work with our Black American Muslim brethren to improve their and our lots. We immigrant Muslims can't continue to live like parasites in this society, spending for our religious and secular consumption and sending zakāh money abroad while our own backyard is full of poor brothers and sisters. Shame on us. Triple Shame!

Bullying was once viewed as a necessary rite of passage of childhood, something children simply must endure.  However, bullying is not simply something children will mature out of; rather, bullying can result in serious harm and long-term consequences.  Bullying can take different forms, including[1]:

• Physical bullying: includes hitting, punching, kicking and other types of physical harm, as well as destruction of a child's property.
• Verbal bullying: includes teasing, name-calling, taunting and racial slurs, as well as spreading gossip or malicious rumors.
• Cyberbullying: includes harassing emails, instant messages and text messages, as well as intimidating or threatening websites, blogs or posts.

Parents often feel completely powerless as they witness their child's tears day-after-day, as much a part of the afterschool routine as homework.  Bullying has reached a new peak in our society and with tragedies such as the shooting at Columbine, bullying has received a great deal more attention than it used to. With the advent of technology, bullying no longer occurs exclusively within the walls of schools.  Rather, social media has provided another opportunity to bullies who seek to demean others.  Home is no longer a safe haven for victims of bullying; a Facebook status can hurt just as much, if not more, than hearing the typed words spoken aloud.

The Victims of Bullying

Being the victim of bullying can evoke a great deal of shame in children and teens (and in adults as well, since bullying is not an epidemic that exclusively targets children).  Therefore, your child may not confide in you and may go through great pains to hide the fact that s/he is being bullied.  The signs may not be as visible as a black eye; although children are often physically intimidated, bullying can be also be targeted in a way that leaves psychological and emotional bruises.  Some things to keep a lookout for, which may signal that your child is being bullied includes (but is not limited to): damage to personal belongings, unexplained injuries, a decline in academic performance, physical complaints (i.e. stomach aches, headaches, tiredness, etc.), reluctance when going to school or riding the bus, few friends, or a noticeable change in sleeping or eating habits.

There are certain qualities that may make some children more susceptible to bullying.  These include the following characteristics: cautious, sensitive, quiet, withdrawn, shy, anxious, insecure, low self-esteem, unhappy, lack of a close friend, relate better to adults than peers, physically weaker than peers.  Bullying is a cycle, so these characteristics can be just as much a consequence as a partial cause of being victimized.  There is also another subset of people within this bullying cycle who are characterized as bully/victims, who are both bullies and victims of bullying simultaneously.  Bully/victims tend to experience a greater variety of symptomology including both internalized (anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts) and externalized (hyperactivity, rule-breaking) issues[2].

The Bullies

Although the focus of prevention and interventions are often on victims of bullying, it is important to provide support to bullies as well.  As the Prophet (peace be upon him) said,  “Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or he is oppressed.” The Prophet was asked: “It is right to help him if he is oppressed, but how should we help him if he is an oppressor?” He replied: “By preventing him from oppressing others.” (Ṣahīh Bukhāri, Volume 3, Ḥadīth 624)

From this ḥadīth, we learn the importance of helping those who are oppressed but, even more profoundly, the need to assist oppressors by stopping them from committing this infringement on the rights of others.  Bullies are often misconstrued as people who simply take pleasure in the pain of others.  However, research has found that some are quite complex and somewhat of a mystery.  Many research studies have found that bullies are more likely to exhibit behavioral issues including aggressiveness, hyperactivity, attention deficits and conduct problems.  However, contrary to what is normally considered of bullies, one research study found that they suffer from depression, anxiety, psychosomatic disorders, and eating disorders to the same extent as those who were victimized by their bullying[3].  Some things that may signal that your child is bullying others include: being aggressive with others, gets sent to detention often, has unexplained new belongings or extra money, quickly blames others, refuses to accept responsibility for actions, and has a need to win or be the best at everything.

Verbal, Emotional & Psychological (Nonphysical) Bullying

Interactions between individuals, from an Islamic point of view, are governed by the fundamental right of sanctity of life, honor, and property.  Therefore, anything that compromises these rights should be stopped.  In Sūrat'l- Ḥujurāt (49:10-12), Allah says, “Verily, the believers are brothers…

•   let not some people mock others, for they may be better than themselves,
• nor (let) women (mock) women who may be better than themselves.
• And do not slander yourselves, nor revile by (offensive) nicknames…
• O you who believe, avoid (indulging in) much suspicion; truly, some suspicion is a sin.
• And do not spy or backbite one another; would any of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? You would abhor that.
• And be conscious of Allah; indeed, Allah is Relenting, Merciful.” 

These verses emphasize the non-physical face of bullying.  Verbal and emotional bullying can have even greater and longer-lasting negative effects on the victims than physical bullying.  Many of us may have grown up asserting the maxim, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” however, we soon realize that sometimes words can hurt more than anything else.

According to Rachel Simmons's Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls[4], this type of bullying is particularly common among girls and often goes unnoticed by non-participants (such as teachers and parents).  Due to the expectation of girls to be sweet, nice and caring, direct aggression is deemed unacceptable in them.  However, girls are just as likely as boys to experience anger, a natural human emotion, so they engage one another in nonphysical, alternative forms of aggression.  This includes:

•  Relational aggression: acts that harm others through damage (or the threat of damage) to relationships or feelings of acceptance, friendship, or group inclusion.
•  This is seen through behaviors such as ignoring someone to punish them, excluding someone socially for revenge, using negative body language or facial expressions, sabotaging someone's relationships, etc.
• Indirect aggression: the bully avoids confrontation using covert behaviors.  In this way, it may seem as though there was no intent to hurt anyone and others may be used as vehicles to cause pain to the targeted person.
•  This is seen in the spreading of rumors, backbiting, “accidentally” knocking over someone's books, etc.
• Social aggression: intent to damage the self-esteem or social status of a targeted individual.
• This can include rumor spreading, backbiting, and social exclusion.

Rather than using physical intimidation as a weapon, relationships are used for leverage.  What could be worse than the threat of loneliness and social isolation as you wander friendlessly through the halls of school?  Hearing lies spread about you to cause you to lose your friends and fall into a downward spiral of lowering self-esteem?  One of the issues inherent in these forms of alternative aggressions is the fact that they can easily be committed under the radar of others.  Teachers are often caught unaware when their students speak with them about this type of bullying and don't know how to deal with it since it is not easily spotted.  When engaging in covert aggression, the bullies often seem like the type of people who would never mistreat someone; it's the perfect disguise for accomplishing as much damage as possible while ensuring their actions are undetectable to others.

Girls in this type of situation often have nowhere to turn; they may feel too ashamed to speak to their parents or teachers about the torment they're enduring because they may feel as though they have failed at a fundamental rite of passage – making friends.  There is also a great deal of uncertainty regarding these alternative aggressions; girls may question, “Did she just bump into me on purpose?;” “Did she roll her eyes at something I said?;” “Is that note she's passing about me?” It's easy to know when someone gives you a black eye, but if you're uncertain whether others are shutting you out or teasing you behind your back, it becomes much more difficult to discuss it with others.  By the same token, many girls withstand emotional abuse from their close friends in order to maintain the inclusion as a part of a group; they fear that the creation of any conflict (including voicing their concerns) will cause them to lose a relationship.  Due to this, anger continues to simmer and issues pile up and are rarely addressed.

Practical Tips & Possible Solutions

It is incredibly important to arm our children, our students, and ourselves with the proper methods of coping with bullying.  This is not simply a rite of passage that children must endure. Furthermore, the issues brought about by bullying can quickly, and dangerously, spiral out of control.  In the next segment, practical tips and possible solutions will be offered to promote healthy relationships.

“Arabs are so extreme,” an Arab woman interjected, “Everything is harām to them.” “Americans are much better,” another woman agreed, “They're the only men worth marrying.”

At the last comment, unease knotted in my stomach…

Like most people, my friends and I enjoy the lighthearted discussions that allow us to look at our cultural flaws and critique them.  But recently, amidst this sort of talk, I find myself growing increasingly uncomfortable.  Perhaps I'm being oversensitive. I've certainly considered this possibility.  But careful introspection suggests that Allāh is simply answering my oft-repeated supplication…

O Allāh! Make me love what you love, and make me hate what you hate.

And no matter how much I tell myself that our talk is harmless, that there's nothing wrong with having a “good laugh” every now and then,  there remains in my heart a wavering that tells me this talk isn't amongst the speech beloved by Allāh …

Once when the Prophet was asked about righteousness, he said, “Consult your heart. Righteousness is that about which the soul feels tranquil and the heart feels tranquil, and sin is what creates restlessness in the soul and moves to and fro in the breast, even though people give you their opinion (in your favor) and continue to do so,” (Ahmad and Al-Darimi).

I certainly don't think it's contrary to righteousness to critique ourselves from time to time.  Surely, there are even moments when we may find humor in our faults and ignorance.  The famous story of how 'Umar b. Al-Khaṭṭāb laughed as he recalled eating his “date god” during his pre-Islamic days makes that point quite clearly.

However, there is a marked difference between having a healthy sense of humor or engaging in necessary self-analysis and being condescendingly judgmental — even if we imagine ourselves as part of the group we are judging.

Allāh says,

“O you who believe! Let not a group scoff at another group. It may be that the latter are better than the former. Nor let [some] women scoff at other women. It may be that the latter are better than the former. Nor defame one another, nor insult one another by nicknames. How ill-seeming is it to insult one's brother after having faith. And whosoever does not repent, then such are the wrongdoers.” (Al-Ḥujurāt, 49:11)

We often think of this āyah as referring to scoffing at the other—a group wholly disconnected from ourselves. But even if this is the case, Allāh does not limit this “other group” to those who share no common traits with us.  As such, it is quite possible that those whom we are cautioned against mocking share our race, ethnicity, or background.

Moreover, most times when we are speaking with condescension about “our” culture or ethnic group, we are excluding ourselves from “our” group. Thus, even if we never take time to analyze the implications of our scoffing, our condescending speech suggests that we imagine ourselves as “remarkable exceptions” to a “deplorable rule.”

***

“I would never marry my daughter to a Black man,” an African-American woman shared honestly as we sat amongst a group of mostly Black Americans.

“And I would never let my sons marry a Black woman,” another African-American woman responded quite brusquely.

I grew quiet, and again I felt that knotting in my stomach. Then who amongst our children will marry at all? I wondered. I found it quite sad that these women had memorized Qur'an, studied Islam from scholars, and were actively engaged in da'wah, yet they somehow missed a quite basic point of human righteousness…

That “good” or “bad” is determined by the state of one's heart and commitment to righteous action—regardless of the color of their skin.

***

“My parents are so racist,” an Indian woman told me once after saying she would never marry a man from her country, “They would never let me marry outside my culture.”

“And why can't you marry a righteous Indian man?” I'd asked. “Allāh has placed righteous people amongst all cultures. Why can't your future husband be from yours?”

I then added, “Make du'ā'. Certainly Allāh is capable of making your spouse someone whom you and your parents approve of.”

***

“A righteous woman is a righteous woman,” my husband said once in response to some brothers expressing disdain for marrying women of a particular ethnic group,  “And an unrighteous woman is an unrighteous woman.  And if a woman isn't righteous,” he added, “it doesn't matter what race she is.”

Unfortunately, this is not the lens we use to view the world. Rather, it has become quite “in vogue” for us to cast judgments based primarily (if not solely) on race, culture, and ethnicity—especially if we happen to be part of these groups. What's most heartbreaking is that amongst many of us, this form of self-hate is associated with practicing “true Islam”—as if Allāh is asking us to leave racism and nationalism that harms others only so that we may inflict this same harm on those who look like us.

Allāh says,

“…And [reverence] the wombs [that bore you]. For Allāh ever watches over you.”

(Al-Nisā', 4:1)

And what are these wombs if not our parents, homes, and cultures from whence we all come? And how do we imagine that we can attain righteousness by scorning those whom Allāh chose to nurture us from young? Is this not one of the greatest forms of ingratitude to our Creator?

Yes, we will certainly find amongst all people—especially amongst ourselves—much that needs to be improved, rectified, or even shunned. But if Allāh graces us with knowledge such that we see the faults of our people, this is not an opportunity to scorn or mock the wombs that bore us; rather, it is an opportunity to show patience and gratitude for the favors that Allāh has bestowed on us.

Is it not amongst Allāh's innumerable bounties that He provided us with parents, homes, and cultures at all?

Allāh says,

“Verily, Allāh is full of bounty to mankind, but most of them are ungrateful.”

(Yūnus, 10:60)

So let us not rush to express hatred and scorn for the bounties that Allāh has bestowed on us—even when these earthly bounties come with human fault and erred cultures. Instead, let us be thankful for these favors—through showing patience with the faults of others (even if these “others” are from our own race, ethnicity, or culture) and through showing gratitude for the good within ourselves.

Like racism toward the “other”, racism toward the self is what deserves our scorn—no matter how “in style” it is amongst some Muslims to harbor bigotry toward the wombs that bore them.

Surely, for the believer, reverencing the wombs that bore them—like living a life of patience and gratitude—is always “in style”.

Umm Zakiyyah is the internationally acclaimed author of the If I Should Speak trilogy, and the novels Realities of Submission and Hearts We Lost.  To learn more about the author, visit themuslimauthor.com or join her Facebook page.