[The following is the video and transcript of Shaykh Abdul Nasir's lecture "Happiness in the Home." The transcript includes slight modifications for the sake of readability and clarity.]

One of the most important concepts within our religion (our dīn) is something that the Qurʾān talks about extensively and something that is very, very prominent from the study of the life of the Prophet , the prophetic biography, the sīrah.  Similarly, this is something that is very extensively and emphatically addressed by the Prophet in the sacred traditions, the aḥadīth of the Prophet .   It is something that is a very obvious need of human beings and a part of the human experience, and that is the issue of family.

The issue of family is something that each and every single one of us can experience and deal with in our own ways, shape, and forms.  It is something that is relevant to each and every single human being.  When talking about the issue of family, I feel that it is very important, crucial, and critical for us – and when we look at any issue or situation such as in the āyāt the shaykh recited in the prayer on the concept of the belief in one Allāh and believing in one god and one deity, the concept of tawḥīd and oneness of God.  What is very beautiful and very important to note about how Allāh addresses the issue of tawḥīd within the Qurʾān, Allāh presents the problem.  He talks about the partners you associate with Allāh –  the false gods, false deities, false idols that you have taken other than Allāh.  One very important way in addressing any situation and one very consistent pattern throughout the Qurʾān and teachings of the Prophet that if we are to truly address any issue, any concern, any situation, then we first and foremost must come to terms with the reality of the situation.

When we talk about rehabilitation and solving any problems and resolving any type of issue, the very first step of rehabilitation is accepting that there is a problem, being aware of the problem and being cognizant of the situation and not being ashamed and not being afraid and not shying away from admitting the fact that there is a problem.  That is the first step to solving any situation and problem.

When we talk about the situation of family, something that is very near and dear to our hearts, and I think that anyone who has any level of experience in community leadership, community matters, and community affairs will very readily admit and stand up hear with me and preach about the dire need of addressing family issues, not just in society and not just in community but specifically even within the Muslim community, from our imams and our shuyukh who are on the front lines to even community leaders and community activists.  A basic khaṭīb can tell you the importance.  A Sunday school teacher and a weekend Islamic school teacher can speak to you for hours and hours about the critical need of addressing the family situation.

Coming to Terms with the Reality

What is the reality at hand?  What are our issues? What are our circumstances?  What is going on with us?

1.  One thing that we have to understand in our very unique circumstance and our very unique situation as a Muslim minority living here in America and need to come to terms with is that the problems that we are experiencing in Muslim families are the same that others are experiencing outside of the Muslim community as well.  Meaning there are certain things that are unique about our circumstances and situation, but generally speaking, a lot of what we are experiencing are general problems across the board.

We have to deal with a very specific reality, and that reality is that we live in this same society as every other faith-based community and every other ethnic community:  current, modern-day United States of America.  We are being impacted by those same social elements.  It is very important for us to understand and deal with the reality that we are similar to any other community, meaning we will be impacted by our society and the culture we live in.  The media and the impact that it is having on them is also having the same impact on us.  The effects of the school environment and interacting with other children has the same effects on them as us.

I always tell this story that I have a little bit of a unique experience.  There are many other people who have extensive experience in this regard, but I feel that in terms of a lot of people in our community today, I have a unique experience, which is simply the fact that I was raised during the 80s, which was not too young ago.  I still may be a kid to many of our elders here, but that still is a significant time ago.  I grew up during the 80s and I was a teenager during the 90s.  I grew up in a place where there were very few Muslim families.  The Muslim community is still relatively young.  It was very, very small.  Minuscule back then.

Growing up at a time like that, I got to see the evolution of the Muslim community, the development of the Muslim community until the point where we are today.  At the same time, there was amongst the immigrant Muslim community this notion and idea – and I don't mean to offend anyone – and this delusion that we're all eventually going “back home.”  That was the tone of the immigrant Muslim community in the 80s.  That was their mindset during the 80s and even leading into the 90s – that they are all eventually going back home.

There was a certain amount of denial about dealing with the issues at hand.  I remember very vividly that when people would even address social issues and social evils and family issues that were very, very common at that point in time in general American society, there was this distancing from those issues and concerns by saying, “Those are their problems, not ours.  That happens with them, not us.”

I still remember during the early 90s, one of my main teachers and mentors and senior shuyukh Mufti Naeem (ḥafiẓahullāh) used to visit the United States on an annual basis.  He would travel around and talk to communities.  I was a very young ḥāfiẓ of the Qurʾān at that time.  I was leading ṣalāt'l-tarāwīḥ for a community at a masjid and he came to visit and check on me and see how we were doing.  We had close family relationships as well.  He came to the tarāwīḥ prayers to check on me and see how I was doing, and of course we requested him to address the congregation like I am addressing you now.  He started talking about the family issues.  He was trying to emphasize adhering to the dīn and learning the dīn and the importance of instilling a system of tarbiyah within the homes and within the community so that our children could grow up with the proper Islamic perspective.  Otherwise, the social evils in family issues that we saw “out there” and “amongst them” – notice the specific language that I am using – before we know it, it will be standing at our own doorstep and be inside of our own homes and communities.

I remember being very young and shocked by the reaction.  I remember some community members becoming very angry, shouting at the shaykh and interrupting him saying, “How dare you!”  He was talking about issues like divorce, kids running away from home, children rebelling against their parents, families breaking apart and cutting each other off and disowning each other – things that have become commonplace in our communities today, right?

I still remember very vividly some community members becoming very angry.  “How dare you even talk about this stuff?  Don't even mention the word divorce!  Our children and families are here.  How dare you talk about this stuff!  These aren't our problems.  We're Muslims.  We don't have these problems.  Those are their problems.”  Pardon my use of the word – I don't condone speaking in this manner, but I'm trying to paint the picture for you of what the mentality was – “Those are the kuffār's problems.  Those aren't our problems.  We don't have those issues.”  There was such a complete denial and obliviousness and delusion present in our communities at that time.

Before you knew it, my same teacher visiting year after year, it was literally a number of years before he was opening up and giving a lecture on taqwa or ṣabr or fasting or the importance of Qurʾān and he was specifically being requested to talk about marriage.  He is specifically being requested to talk about divorce and children rebelling against their parents.

This is the reality that we have to come to terms with.  “Their problems” are the same problems we have.  There is a certain common thread between a lot of these issues; therefore, the factors are the same.  Some solutions might also be very, very similar.  We will, of course, have our own take on them because of the guidance of Allāh and the guidance of His Messenger .  Nevertheless, there are some common threads that we have to understand.  We also have to understand that we are not immune, as Muslims, Muslim families and Muslim communities, to the evils, problems, circumstances and situations that may be “out there.”  That is the very first reality.

2.  There is a second reality that I would like to address here before getting to some specifics of the family situation and the condition and situation of families.  It is very important, and we have to understand this.  A lot of times, for us, this is not wrong or incorrect in any way, shape or form, but nevertheless it is a concern and some people are very focused in this regard.

For some people, the bottom line is just spirituality.  Just Islam, īmān.  They translate Islam and īmān as just a connection with Allāh and the spiritual part of it – the spiritual relationships and the spiritual connection to Allāh.

Understand one thing:  family struggles, family difficulties, unrest, trouble, chaos, distress in the home, and unhappiness in the home affect spirituality.  It affects people's relationship with Allāh.  It has a very profound impact on an individual.  When someone is struggling in their marriage, in their relationship with their children, in their home, and the harmony in the home is gone, that will affect a person's spiritual condition.

How often has it been the case that when you are having a fight at home and are in the middle of a very serious situation with your spouse – yes the mind initially goes to making du'ā', but when it goes on and persists and becomes a serious problem and serious issue, how common is it that you forget to pray?  You don't think of the prayer.  You don't feel like getting up and praying.  You become neglectful of even your ṣalāh.  How common is that?

Understand that even unrest within the home and the emotional distress that a human experiences due to concerns in the family and distress in the family affects spirituality.  Make no mistake about that.

Key Dynamics & Relationships of the Family

Having said that, what are some of the key dynamics and key relationships of family where we are struggling, and what are some of the struggles that we are experiencing?  Then, very briefly, we'll talk a little bit about – it is a very short lecture, so obviously we can't solve the problems here and can't even in detail address the issues and solutions, but we can at least raise awareness.  Understand that raising awareness is the first step to solving any problem.  After a person admits that there is a problem, the next step is raising awareness about the issue and about some of the solutions.  We need to at least start talking about this and becoming aware.  That's what we'll do here.

Parent-Child

The very first universal dynamic of family relationships is the parent-child relationship.  Everyone is either a parent or a child.  We'll talk about marriage and some other things, but the very first universal application of family is the parent-child relationship.  Everyone is either a parent or a child.

Something very beautiful about the Qurʾān, the Book of Allāh, the ultimate source of guidance, ultimate reminder and ultimate lesson is Allāh talks about this relationship.  Allāh highlights both the problems and the solutions.  Allāh presents problematic, difficult parent-child relationships to us in the Qurʾān, and He presents to us harmonious, beautiful, happy, functional, beneficial, flourishing parent-child relationships within the Qurʾān as well to both present the problem and the solution.

The Qurʾān is not a storybook.  The Qurʾān is not a history textbook.  The Qurʾān is guidance.  It is a reminder.  It presents and solves problems.  It points out our problems to us and solves those problems for us.  When Allāh chooses to mention something in His Book and in His Speech, it is there for a reason and purpose because it is very important and very relevant.

Allāh in Sūrah Maryam, and other places as well, very extensively presents the difficult and strained relationship of Ibrāhīm with his father.  A father is frustrated with his son, and the son is frustrated with the father.  Both have their own perspectives.  The father is frustrated with the son because the son has abandoned the culture, the religion, the ways of his father, family, community, forefathers.  The son is frustrated with the father because the father is in denial about the truth – believing in one God.  They are going back and forth.  The son is telling the father very respectfully “O abati (O my dear father),” which is like how we would say, “Dad, please.  Abu, come on, please.  Baba, please.”  He is pleading with his father and says “ya abati” four times.  At the beginning of every statement, he says, “Dad, please.”  Ya abati, ya abati.  He is trying to be respectful and not point any blame.  “You are not bad, dad.  Shaytan is bad.”  He is trying to plead with the father, and the father is frustrated with the child.  “So you're trying to tell me my gods aren't good enough for you, Ibrāhīm?”  He doesn't say “my dear son.”  “I'll kill you!”  It literally means in Arabic, “I'll stone you,” which is an expression in Arabic meaning “I'll kill you.  I'll hurt you.  You need to stop know, I'll hurt you.”  “Get out of here, you are dead to me.  You are nothing to me.”  Look how difficult that relationship is.  Allāh presents such a parent-child relationship.

Ya'qūb with the older sons is a strained relationship.  They are jealous:  “He likes Yūsuf better than he likes us.  He chooses Yūsuf over us.  He loves Yūsuf more than he loves us.  Why?”  The father is trying to make the sons understand.  “What is wrong with you guys?  Why would you even say that?  Why would you even think that?”  The father knows that the sons have taken their younger brother and disposed of him.  The father knows they are lying to his face, but what can he do?  This is a difficult relationship.

A parent-child relationship is something that Allāh tells us:  “There are lessons.”  There will be difficulties in the parent-child relationship.  The child will feel like the parents just don't understand them, and the parents will be frustrated with the child.  “I only want good for you.  Why won't you listen to me?”  The child says, “You don't understand me!”  The parent says, “You don't listen to me!”  I think all of us have experienced that.  SubḥānAllāh something that is unique about this relationship, this is not only when the children are young.  This is not only in the teenage years.  Those who are older and have older parents also know the struggles and the challenges.  That is why you know that very famous ayah of the Qurʾān from Sūrat'l-Isrā', “Don't even say uff to your parents.”

Do you know what context it is in?  It is specifically talking about when one or both of your parents have reached senility and have become old and senile.  Now they are angry.  They are frustrated and their body is falling apart.  They are ill and sick.  They can't eat properly, they can't sleep properly, they can't walk properly.  Do you know how difficult that is?  As young, able-bodied people we have no understanding of how frustrating that must be.  Imagine living your life on your own feet and being independent for 50, 60 years and then one day you cannot even get up and go get a glass of water by yourself and can't get a glass of water by yourself.  Imagine what that's like.  They are angry.  They are short-tempered, frustrated.  Even the mind begins to go.  The emotions become frail.  Allāh tells us, “They get returned back to the worst of ages.”

One of my dear, dear friends, one of my best friends, accepted Islam in middle school and we grew up together.  He is a convert and his parents are not Muslim yet.  Make du'ā' for them inshā'Allāh.  May Allāh bless them with guidance, hidāyah.  Both of his parents are old and have health issues, but his mother suffered a very severe stroke recently to the point where she lost a lot of function in half her body.  He told me, “Nasir, you know when life hits you and you wake up to the reality of life, the reality of so many things hit you in the face.  60 miles per hour.”  He is working and working hard.  He travels for work and has to be away from his parents because he is financially supporting them and paying the medical bills for the nurse to be there to take care of his mother.  All of the responsibility is on him.  He said, “I was visiting my parents over the weekend, back home from work and off the road.  I went back to my parents and was with them over the weekend.  I sat there and fed my mother with a spoon.  I spoon-fed my own mom.”

SubḥānAllāh.  That's when I realized.  You know when you sit there and feed your child?  I have a two-year old at home.  When you sit there and feed your child and say, “Come on, come on.  Open up.”

Another one of my dear, dear friends, we studied together.  We grew up together and are like brothers.  His mother also has very difficult health and suffered a stroke and is dealing with a lot.  I visited him and his mother with him.  Having to force her to speak and to talk and to interact and to eat, asking, “Come on, did you eat your food?”  SubḥānAllāh.

Allāh is talking about when parents reach old age.  My grandmother , may Allāh bless her and grant her Jannat'l-Firdaws, developed Alzheimer's before she passed away.  SubḥānAllāh.  I witnessed that and I witnessed my mother, aunt, and uncle experiencing that.  The mind was gone.  Allāh in that context is speaking about our parents becoming old, the difficulty and the frustration with parents.  Teenagers say, “You are making my life difficult.  God, you hate me.  Why do you hate me so much?  You never want to let me do anything.  You want to ruin my life.”  Usually it is about sleeping over at a friend's house on a Friday night.  “But everyone is going to be there.  You are destroying my life.”  The frustration that kids have with parents is not relegated to teenagers.  Anyone who has elderly parents and is an adult now and mature now – “I'm an adult.  I'm mature now.  I don't have drama.  I don't have teenage hormones.  I'm not going through that phase in my life.  I'm not an adolescent” – you still know about the frustration with parents, don't you?  You might be an adult and you might not have drama anymore, but now your parents are old and fragile and senile and demanding.  They don't want your money.  “I've paid their bills, what more do they want?  I send money every month, what more do they want?”  They just want to sit and talk to you.  That's all they want.  They still want to know that they exist and matter to you.  They still want you to ask their opinion about something like you used to.

Allāh is speaking specifically.  Frustration with parents is a universal thing.  Everyone is dealing with it.  Similarly, frustration with the children and disappointment with children is a universal thing.  When they are kids, they don't listen, they don't learn, they don't pay attention.  The world is opening up to my four year-old and she is starting to become more and more independent every single day.  It is already awkward for her now.  I dropped by her school and walked into the classroom and saw her working.  You know, when your children are small, or at any age for that matter, when you look at your children, you are overcome with love.  The love just fills your heart.  I hadn't seen her for three hours – she went to school at 8 in the morning and I'm there at 11 and it already feels like a lifetime.  What did I do?  I walked up to her from behind her and hugged her and kissed her.  She said, “Abuuu, stop!”  When she got home later that day, she tells my wife, “Mommy, Abu hugged me and kissed me in front of everybody.”  I'm like, “What's wrong with that?  Of course I hugged you and kissed you because you are my baby girl!”

It starts there, and they start to become independent.  Anybody who has teenagers, they know.  I was recently talking to a friend and colleague, another imam, and we were all getting together and talking about how much we love our communities and how amazing our lives are, māshā'Allāh.  We are all fairly younger and all have small children and babies except for one of colleagues who has a teenager.  It struck me.  I asked him, “We talk and lecture so much and preach all the time.  How is it having a teenager?”  He says, “Ya, Al-Salām. Make du'ā' for me.”  That's all he could say.

The disappointment and frustration with children is universal, whether they are kids or teenagers and even when your children are all grown up.  You think my parents don't still get frustrated with me?  Of course they do.  Even when they are all grown up and have kids of their own and are responsible individuals and have a job and a home and a family, they is still always going to be frustration because of what I just mentioned.  “You don't have time for me anymore?  You can't come and say 'hi'?  You can't say salām to your mom?”

My mom text messages me, which weirds me out.  There is something that seems unnatural about an older Pakistani woman text messaging.  It's like, why do you even know how to text message?  She text messages me and she expects a text message back.  If I don't respond back in the next couple of minutes because I was lecturing or teaching, then I get a follow-up text message with a question mark.  The next one has two question marks.  The third one has three question marks.  “Where are you?”  It's a universal thing to be frustrated with your children.  All of us experience this.

That's one of the situations and dynamics in which we require some guidance and need some direction.  I'm going to lay out some of the key family relationships and what are their issues, and then we are going to talk about implementation of some of the solutions.

Marriage & Spousal Relationship

The second family dynamic that we struggle with and are experiencing problems in regards to is marital discord, starting all the way from pre-marriage, how to get married.  It is a universal problem and has become a very common problem.  You can ask the shaykh.  How many young people show up at his doorstep?  “I want to get married to so-and-so but this problem or her parents or my parents or this or that…”  It starts from there.  Even problems in the marriage.

Sometimes in a rush of emotions or even in religious overzealousness, “I have to avoid the sin and avoid the fitnah and get married.”  Who, when, why, what, how – “Doesn't matter, brother.  It's the Sunnah.”  I'm pretty sure getting married blindly is not the Sunnah, but that's what happens.  Very, very young people are getting married in religious overzealousness or a rush of emotions.  A couple of years into marriage, they realize they didn't know the person they got married to.

It's becoming so common for young people and newlywed couples to be divorced within a number of months or even a couple of years if not a couple of months.  Lack of responsibility in a marriage.  A husband not taking his responsibility seriously.  A wife not behaving responsibly.  When you have young children, so many couples experience marital issues and problems.  Why?  “He is not being a father to his children.”  “She is not being a good mother.”  Lack of responsibility.

In-law interference. 

This is a term I came up with.  You know pass interference for football fans?  In-law interference (TM).  It is a major issue.  You have a clash of cultures and a clash of worlds and dimensions happening.  Is all interference from in-laws bad?  Absolutely not.  Nevertheless, the dynamics of that interference and how that interference is causing problems.  The in-law problem.

Lack of Maturity

Rushing into decisions and rushing into marriage.  Prioritization.  For some people, work comes before the family.  For some people, the religious cause, the organization, the association, the movement, the spreading of the dīn comes before family.  That is becoming a problem.  Families are being torn apart why?  Honestly, this is an oxymoron.  If somebody's family failed because of their service to the dīn and because of da'wah, it doesn't even make sense and is a contradiction.  It is an oxymoron and impossible.  It obviously means that somebody did not understand the dīn or religion.

Lack of Communication

In prioritization, there is another thing.  Sometimes it can be the religion and sometimes it can be work, money, greed, and that is justified by saying, “But I want to give you guys a nice home to live in.  I want to give you guys the life that I never had.  I want our kids to go to the best school.”  What happens because of that?  We destroy the family that we were using for justification to chase after money.

Sometimes it's my own hobbies and indulgences.  “I'm married but I still have to play Modern Warfare all night long with my friends.”  “I'm married but I still have to go to the basketball tournament.  I work all week and Saturday is the basketball tournament and the wife is waiting, and we're finally going to spend some good quality time together but I have to go ball with the boys.”  My own personal hobbies and my own personal indulgences.  This is football country.  I come from Dallas, another football area, so you guys will understand what I'm talking about.  Saturday is college ball and bowl games, which equals twelve hours of fun in front of the television.  “What the spouse does is their problem. I'm sorry, I'm not going to change me.  I'm not changing for anybody.  You married me and that's what you get.  I heard you say, 'I accept,' so you accepted ASU football as well, as terrible as it is.”  Sunday is football – NFL game day.  I have the NFL package where it is 8 screens on the TV at one time.  In a 12-hour period, I watch 15 games simultaneously.  Congratulations.  Mubarak.  Do you want a cookie?  Or maybe a laddoo?  What do you want?

Prioritization

Prioritization and a lack of sense of what the priorities are.  In this culture we have a challenge.  I was born and raised in Dallas, TX.  From this culture's perspective, I will tell you one huge problem we have with prioritization, something that we put before families that is very unique and specific to this culture.  There is a phrase and expression that guides you.  I can't repeat it here.  It is offensive and inappropriate and this is the masjid and House of Allāh, so it's impossible and I wouldn't because it is inappropriate.  They basically say, “bros before ____.”  Don't say it!  They use a very derogatory word about women.  It is basically putting your friends before women even though that word doesn't even apply to a person's wife, astaghfirullāh.

Nevertheless, that same concept is applied to marriage.  “Uh-uh, my friends come first.  Going to hang with the boys.”  This isn't even specific to the guys.  It is even in regards to the women.  If a woman gets married and is a wife now, how dare she not go out with the friends to dinner?  They get shunned and outcast by their unmarried friends.  They get pushed out by their unmarried friends.  This is a real struggle that people are having.  They literally have to reinvent their friends circle and rediscover friends.  First when they get married, the unmarried friends want no part.  “She has no time for us anymore.  She has to go and spend time with her husband.”  Like that is a ridiculous concept.

The young married friends who don't have children say about the first one to have children, “God, she's so lame to hang out with now.  Everything is about a diaper and milk.”  God forbid she be a good mother, right?  Now she is being again outcast by her friends and she has to go out there and discover other mom friends.  This is a struggle people have.  People crumble underneath that pressure.  “My friends have to be put first.  What am I going to do without my friends?”  The marriage, the children, everything will come second.  The marriage struggles because of a lack of prioritization.

Lack of communication.  That's one of the most universal issues and problems.  Never establishing a line of communication let alone being comfortable communicating concerns, problems or even good things.  Nothing is communicated.   Lines of communication are never established.  Again, this is a culture in which we pride ourselves in individuality and independence.  “I'm independent and my own self and I don't need anybody's help.”  That manifests itself and creates problems even in marriages.

Unwillingness to Compromise

“Why should I change anything about myself?  If you don't like the way things are, then you deal with it.”   Complete total lack of compromise.  Absolutely no motivation and no inclination to sacrifice anything.  “I should not have to sacrifice anything.”  This on both sides of the marriage.  I'm not sitting here giving some old school lecture about women having to sacrifice.  This is on both sides.

I feel that especially some of the very unique dynamics we have, I can speak about my generation and our challenges.  I feel that lack of sacrifice and unwillingness to sacrifice exists actually more amongst the guys than it does amongst the girls.  Just complete and total unwillingness to sacrifice anything.

Sibling Rivalry

Then a third manifestation, which I'll talk about more briefly, of family issues or family problems is sibling rivalry.  It's a little more unique that even marriage, but nevertheless it is a problem and issue, whether it is the parents favoring unknowingly and unintentionally one child over another that harbors and creates resentment amongst the children for each other.

As families and parents, we have to learn to be sensitive to the strengths and weaknesses of each and every child.  Be cognizant of what is each child's needs.  If something works for one child, maybe that is not what will work for the other child.  Be cognizant of their specific needs.

Not creating and not fostering an environment of competition amongst the children where they feel they have to compete for the parents' love and approval.  I hate to bring up personal things, but I'll mention it.  Abdullah, the crazy guy running around and setting up all of the gadgetry here, is my younger brother.  From what you see here, that's exactly what you get.  I'm the one talking on the microphone and he is the one recording, editing, and uploading the videos, doing all the back-end video work, but there's not a sense of competition.  We have to learn to appreciate what everybody brings to the table.  We have to learn to respect everybody and not compete with each other in regards to what we are doing.  We need to not create an environment of competition but one of collaboration.  When we collaborate and come together, how unbelievable of a strong unit we can become as a family and siblings and brothers and sisters.

I know I'm going to date myself with this reference, but does anybody remember Voltron?  It's like Voltron.  For somebody a little younger, Captain Planet.

Solutions

What are some solutions that we can begin to implement to repair this family situation?

1.  Spirituality

I talked about this in the beginning, and I'll bring it up here again.  When we repair our relationship with Allāh – understand that our relationship with Allāh is the basis and foundation of everything in our lives.  This is something we say in the Qurʾān, this is something we say in adhkār, this is something we say in supplications and du'ā's.  That is:  “Allāh is the source of all blessings.  Allāh is the One that grants blessings.”

There are aḥadīth and traditions and narrations to the effect that when we repair our relationship with Allāh, Allāh will repair everything else.  When a person is beloved to Allāh, Allāh has what announcement made in the heavens and on the earth as well?  “Allāh says, 'I love him, so everybody else love him as well.  O Jibrīl, I love him so you love him.'  Jibrīl says, 'Allāh loves him, I love him, so all of the inhabitants of heaven love him.'”  The inhabitants of the heavens, the malā'ikah, come down to the earth and say what?  “Allāh loves him, Jibrīl loves, we love him, so therefore all of you love him or her.”

When we fix things with Allāh, Allāh will but barakah and blessings in everything else in our lives.  This is something that is very obvious.  That's why the Prophet said, “Tell your families to pray, and you be regular and punctual about prayer yourself. You be steadfast about the prayer yourself.  Tie yourself upon the prayer.”

Talking about the parent-child relationship, we have to learn to repair our relationships.  The parents must repair their relationships with Allāh.  That is why we are taught a du'ā':  “Rabbana habb lana min azwājina wa dhurriyyātina qurrata a'yun waj'alna lilmuttaqīna imāma.”  Make our spouses and our children the coolness of our eyes, and make all of us the leaders of the muttaqīn.  We have to repair spirituality – the parents and the children – and do it together as a family.  Pray together as a family.  Make du'ā'.  First fix your relationship with Allāh, and that will put barakah and blessings and start to repair the relationship with the family members.

Marriage:  In āyah 238 of Sūrat'l-Baqarah, Allāh says, “Very carefully, very cautiously, very diligently watch over the prayers.”  Do you know what is very interesting about this ayah?  Allāh mentions this ayah in the middle of a passage which talks about divorce.  In the middle of giving us advice about divorce, Allāh says, “Watch over the prayers.”  Why?  Because maybe you are having problems in your marriage because you are having problems with your relationship with Allāh.  Go back and fix your relationship with Allāh and put barakah and blessings and raḥmah and the Mercy of Allāh back into your marriage.

The houses in which Qurʾān is recited, the inhabitants of the heavens and skies have the stars shine onto the inhabitants of the earth.  Our houses become filled with nūr and barakah and blessing when we recite Qurʾān in them.  The Prophet would pray the farḍ daily prayers in the masjid.  Where would he pray his sunnah and nawāfil prayers?  In the home.  Do you know what that means for the Prophet ?  This is the masjid and that's the home.  Do you see the difference?  He would take four steps and be in his home, but he would still go and make the distinction and establish the fact that he would take those four steps, cross through the curtain, and pray in the home where the wife and family members were.  Bring spirituality back into your life, home, parent-child relationship, and marriage and see how it repairs.

When you have spirituality and a good relationship with Allāh, it makes you secure in yourself.  It gives you confidence and removes the insecurities.  The parents are not insecure about their children.  The children are not so constantly skeptical or paranoid about the parents.  Even sibling rivalry – they become secure in themselves through their relationship with Allāh.

The Prophet of Allāh was told this same point.  In Sūrah Ya Sīn, Allāh says, “Don't doubt yourself, you are most definitely from the messengers.”  It gives you that sense of security.  First spirituality needs to be re-established.  We need to fix the relationship with Allāh.  Family relationships will start to get better.

2.  Establishing Communication

The second basic step is establishing communication. If you don't have it, establish it, as awkward and as difficult as that might be.  Initially when you establish communication, it is like pulling teeth, but establish it.  If you have it, then broaden it and work on it and continue to build on it and maintain it.  Open it further.  Communication is very important.

I told you how Allāh presents certain difficult parent-child relationships in the Qurʾān.  Allāh also presents beautiful parent-child relationships in the Qurʾān.  Luqmān does what to his son?  Does he yell at him?  Does he say, “Hey, you stupid boy, come here”?  He says, “Ya bunaya,” which literally means in Arabic “my small son.”  This is an Arabic expression for saying “my dear son, my beloved son.” Like when you have a nickname for your child, when you speak to your child with love.  He talks to his child.  He is advising him, not lecturing him and not wagging his finger at him.  He is not yelling at him.  He is not scolding him and not constantly telling his son how disappointed he is in him.  He is having a conversation with his son.  “My dear son.”

Yūsuf sees a dream, a life-altering and life-changing dream.  What did he do with that dream?  Go and tell his friends?  Text message his friends?  Updates his Facebook status?  No.  He goes and talks to his father.  He says, “Ya abati (my dear, dear father),…”  He speaks to his father and communicates to his father.

The Prophet , the best husband of all times, did what?  He would communicate with his wives. 'Ā'ishah says, “I never saw anyone do more counsel and shūrah than the Prophet .  Nobody would consult in anything more – not just community affairs or religious affairs but even the affairs of the home.  He would talk to us.  He would communicate to us.”  At Ḥudaybiyyah when the Prophet was frustrated at the ṣaḥābah who were dumbfounded and speechless, he is telling them to shave their heads, sacrifice their animals, and open their iḥrām, and they were not getting up and going because they were dumbfounded and overwhelmed and almost traumatized by what happened that they have to go back without doing 'Umrah, the Prophet did what?  Who does he speak to?  His wife, Umm Salamah.  He speaks to his wife about being a prophet and the affairs of prophethood.  He communicates.  He doesn't go there and throw a fit.  “Where is my food?  Why is this place always dirty?  What is wrong with you?  Why are you looking at me like that?  What is your problem?  Why are the kids always making noise?”  He doesn't take it out on her.  He goes in there and says, “I don't know what to do.  What is wrong?  They are just not moving.”  It's not like they are not listening or not obeying.  Wa na'ūdhu billāh.  These are the ṣaḥābah .  But they are dumbfounded and traumatized.  She gives him advice, and subḥānAllāh that advice works.

The wives of the Prophet felt so comfortable openly speaking to him.  There is a famous story about Umar saying something to his wife, and his wife says, “Uh-uh.  I ain't about to do that.  I don't agree with you.”  From back in the day and old school mentality of Makkah and the Quraysh, he was like, “What?  Did you just speak back to me?”  She says, “Yes.  What's wrong with that? The Prophet doesn't mind.”  “What do you mean the Prophet doesn't mind?”  The daughter of 'Umar , Ḥafṣah, was one of the wives of the Prophet , umm'l-mu'minīn.  “She speaks emotionally and he doesn't mind.”  He says, “What?”  He rushes over there and says, “Girl, have you lost your mind?  You speak back to the Prophet of Allāh ?”  She says, “No, it's communication.  He tells us to speak our minds.  He asks us what we think about things.  He doesn't mind.”  Communication.  It helps in the parent-child relationship as we see in the example of Luqmān and Yūsuf.  It most definitely helps in a marriage.

Establishing communication.  Then paying attention to how you communicate.  In a parent-child relationship, the parent might say, “Yeah, I talk to him everyday.”  But if all you say to your child is “clean up your room,” then yes, you speak to your child everyday.  “Clean up your room.  Did you do your homework?  Why do you fail your tests?  Why are you so stupid?”  If you speak to your child, that is not enough.  How you communicate matters as well.  What do you say?  How do you speak?  Lovingly.  Kindly.

When spouses speak to each other, if everything is a sarcastic jab: “So you didn't make food today, huh?” – that is not a question, by the way.  You know that is not a question.  “Oh, so I guess you are busy today, huh?”  That is not a question.  That's a slap in the face.  Nothing good comes from communication like that.  You have to give the benefit of the doubt and be open and loving and caring and considerate.

Having credibility and understand when you start to communicate, the problem will not fix itself overnight.  One day you try to have a nice conversation:  “What's going on with you?  I hope you are doing well.  Everything is good.”  And for now you have a history of ten or fifteen years of bad communication and have one nice twenty-minute conversation and the other side is not warming up to you yet, don't be like “See, you are obviously wrong.  I tried and I was nice, and it didn't work.  See, it doesn't work.  My way works.  You don't know what you are talking about.”  It doesn't change overnight.

The Prophet of Allāh was ṣādiq'l-amīn and then he presented the message.  You have to have some credibility and establish that credibility.  You have to establish trust, and it won't happen overnight.

3.  Prioritization

Spirituality, communication, and the third area where we can work on to improve these family relationships is like what I mentioned extensively:  prioritization.  We have to put these family relationships in the right priority, and that is making time for family whether that is a parent-child relationship or a spousal relationship, make time for each other.  Even the sibling rivalry can be solved by spending time together and making time for each other.

Just as a clarification for the father who works tirelessly, and that is fine and respected, but understand that you might say, “I spend eight hours a day at home,” but you spend those eight hours a day sleeping on your face.”  That doesn't count as family time.  “You know, I come home, don't I?”  Yeah you come home, use the bathroom, and go to sleep.  That doesn't count as spending time with your spouse.  You have to spend good, quality family time with each other.  You have to make time for each other.  Put each other as a first priority.

Here comes the shocking part.  We have to redefine the boundaries of 'ibādah.  There is no guilt in spending time with family.  Yes, it should not deter you from your basic responsibilities to Allāh .  Ṣalāh is ṣalāh.  Prayer is prayer.  But at the same time we do have to redefine the boundaries of 'ibādah, of nafl (extra worship).  Having a nice, quiet intimate dinner with your spouse and having a candlelit dinner with your wife is 'ibādah.  It is a virtuous deed.  Good deed.  Reward.  Yes!  I'm not crazy.

You know when you wrestle around with your children and play with your kids – my kids are young – and play hide-and-go-seek (where my daughter constantly cheats, all the time, so when it's my turn to hide and her turn to seek, she counts while looking at me.)  Alḥamdulillāh, I've developed a lot of upper body strength.  Do you know how?  Swings.  Non-stop.  These kids never get tired. I think there's a possibility my daughters could grow up to be pilots.  They never get tired of being on a swing.  My younger one is two-years old, and the first thing she does after she wakes up in the morning is go to the backdoor because we have a swing set in the backyard, and she says, “Outside!”  That is code for “let me outside.”  She doesn't waste a lot of time and is very impatient.  If her request is not immediately obliged, then the second time, “Outside!”  And the third time, it is a straight up scream.  “Outside!!!”  Spending quality time with them.  Making time for them.  You know what?  Playing hide-and-go-seek with your kids and pushing them on the swings is an act of worship.  It is an act of 'ibādah.

The Messenger of Allāh told the ṣaḥābah that when spouses (husband and wife) experience intimacy with each other – I'm going to speak in general terms because we have a broad audience.  When a husband and wife experience intimacy with each other, physical intimacy, the Prophet of Allāh said, “It is a virtuous act.”  The ṣaḥābah were shocked just as much as you probably are.  Are you serious?  Is that for real?  The Prophet of Allāh had very simple logic.  If you were to commit the same physical act outside of a marriage, would it be a sin?  Yes.  This is an act of reward and an act of virtue in marriage.  What lesson we learn from that is engaging in the actual relationship and seeking emotional pleasure in the relationship is a virtuous act and an act of reward.

Something that is established through research and something I learned a practical lesson from my own father as a role model for me was:  My dad was very involved at the masjid and one of the founders of the masjid that we all grew up going to, and alḥamdulillāh at retirement age he was able to found another masjid in a new area we moved to.  My uncles and dad were always involved in this frontline, and māshā'Allāh alḥamdulillāh I learned from them.  But you know, one thing though?  Being on the board of the masjid, being a founder of the masjid, being involved in the da'wah activity at the masjid, it never got in the way of the family and was never put before family.  There could be a meeting going on in the masjid and my dad would get a call and he would say, “Excuse me, I'm not going to be able to make it to the meeting at the masjid.  If that gets me kicked off the board, fine then kick me off.”  My dad owned his own business, by the way.  How many people here own their own business?  A businessman knows that the job never ends.  A businessman never clocks out.  A businessman lives, eats, and sleeps his business.  But everyday there was a cut-off time for my dad.  5 o'clock, done.  Doors closed, the phone goes off.  “You'll pay extra if I come right now?  It's okay, I guess I'll just see you tomorrow.  You're going to go to somebody else?  Then I guess you'll go to somebody else.   My rizq is given by Allāh.  I'm not going to sacrifice my family.”  5 o'clock everyday.  Then he came home and sat with us, talked to us, played with us, helped us with our homework.  Then we ate dinner together as a family.  Then when dinner was done, he went for ṣalāt'l-'ishā'at the masjid and I went with him.  But that was every single day.  Nothing would get in the way of that.  Not the business, not the meeting at the masjid, not the da'wah activity, nothing.  Family first.

We have to learn that prioritization and that attitude, redefining these boundaries of 'ibādah and worship and understanding what's important.  It's very, very important that we understand what's important.

The Center for Substance Abuse and Addiction at Columbia University published research and Time magazine ran the story in June 2006.  I recommend you go and look it up and read it.  It talks about how families and homes where they eat one meal together every single day are happier, healthier homes and families because they spend quality time together.

One of the recommendations that I mentioned from the Qurʾān is praying ṣalāh together.  Merge family time and spirituality together.  When you are going to go to the park, pray ẓuhr and then head out to the park.  You are going to go for ice cream?  Pray  'ishā' and then go out for ice cream.  Merge these together and create a positive association.  That is how you can do tarbiyah with your family and children and instill the dīn within your children.  Eating meals together brings the hearts together.

4. Expressing Love & Appreciation

The fourth area that we can work on is expressing love and appreciation for each other.  There is no such thing as showing too much love.  Expectations have its place, rules and boundaries have their place.  I'm not talking about that.  We confuse love with those things.  Have discipline, have boundaries, have limitations, have rules, have consequences.  Have all of that, but express love.  Tell your children how much you love them.  Tell your spouse how much you love them.  Show appreciation.  Don't just have appreciation.  “Oh, but I do appreciate you.  Do I have to show it?  Do I have to buy you flowers?”  Yes, you do!  Do you have to take her out for a nice meal?  Yes.  Do I have to tell you how much I love you, and do I have to hug and kiss you?  Yes!  Very, very, very important!

I understand that this breaks certain cultural taboos.  In certain cultures, its awkward and strange for a father to tell his children “I love you” when they put them to bed at night and when they wake up in the morning and when they salām. “Al-salāmu 'alaykum.  How are you guys doing?  Everything is ok?  I love you guys.”  I know that it seems awkward or taboo in certain cultures, but again, I go back to the very first point that I made, you have to understand where you children are coming from.  You have to understand human expectations and in the parent-child relationship and marital relationship, expressing love and appreciation.

5. Make Du'ā'

The last and final point I'll make here:  make du'ā'.  Never forget to make du'ā'.  Allāh taught us a comprehensive du'ā':  “Rabbana habb lana min azwājina wa dhurriyyātina qurrata a'yun waj'alna lilmuttaqīna imāma.”   Coolness of the eyes.  Do you know what coolness of the eyes means?  It is an ancient Arabic expression.  To understand an expression sometimes, you have to look at them and understand them from the perspective of the people who used that expression.  You have to understand it from their perspective.  The ancient Arabs would say this.  You guys living in Arizona will be able to relate to this.  Imagine the summer time in the middle of the desert.   It is 120 degrees outside, but imagine you don't have these comfortable buildings and structures.  Imagine you don't have air conditioning and fans.  You are out there in the middle of the desert in the scorching heat.  Hot winds are blowing the hot sand into your eyes.  Even now with air conditioning and everything that you have, sometimes in the summer how dry do your eyes get?  How irritated do your eyes become, and how much do they itch?  Imagine being out in the desert without all this luxury and experiencing that.  Your eyes feel like they are on fire.  Your eyes feel like you want to rip them out and scratch them until they are gone.  Then you come across some cool, clean water, and you take that water and splash it into your eyes and on your face.  How refreshing and invigorating and how amazing that would feel.

We are saying, “O Allāh, when I look at my spouse, when I look at my children, make it feel like I just splashed cool, clean water in my eyes and face.  Refresh me.  And make all of us from the muttaqīn imams and leaders of the most pious and righteous.  Make us role models for generations to come.”

In connection with this, these are just like I said initially, some topics and concerns that have been on my mind for a long, long time. As you see from the context of the Qurʾān and sīrah and ḥadīth of the Prophet , this is a very core concept of our religion and faith and this is a basic human need and concern. Alḥamdulillāh, this is just a short conversation that I wanted to share.  This is part of a larger project that I am embarking on through Qalam Institute.  We are going to have a traveling program called Happiness in the Home where we will be traveling around the country to different communities and have a full seminar talking about some of these concerns and implementing more practical solutions so we can better the condition and situation of families throughout our communities, inshā'Allāh.

These are just some thoughts and things that I wanted to share with the community here today.  Again I want to thank you for being patient and listening and being attentive.  I hope and I pray that this was a source of benefit for everyone.  Jazākum Allāh khayran.

May Allāh accept from all of us and give us the ability to practice that which we have heard.  Al-salāmu 'alaykum wa raḥmatullāh.

The traditional period of courtship is relative from culture to culture, family to family. After the initial introduction, some families grant the prospective groom and bride a chance to meet in private, under supervision; others allow them to get to know each other on the telephone, via text or email. Some families encourage the potential couple to go out in public, usually in a group setting.  People can be introduced through families, well-meaning community members, matchmaking services, on-line matrimonial sites, through imams, teachers and friends with the preplanned goal being marriage. Perhaps a better term for it should be arranged courtship.

Since couples in arranged marriages come together as a result of their extended family and community, they naturally think of their relationship as part of something bigger than just the two of them.  Many couples have extremely happy, arranged marriages. Half my siblings and friends are in varying degrees of arranged marriages. My cousin had a totally arranged marriage. She did not meet her husband until the day before she got married. They are one of the happiest couple I know, māshā'Allāh.  I chose not to go that route, I met my husband in college but my marriage included the consent of my parents and my husband's family.

Just like non-arranged marriages, not every arranged marriage or proposal works out for a variety of reasons. Nor are arranged marriages the only way a Muslim can get married.

The difference between arranged marriages and forced marriages

Forced marriage, on the other hand, occurs when a man or woman is coerced by the family to marry, using threats, emotional blackmail, fraud, and even bribes. Arranged against the person will, without consent or consent under duress. That is not a marriage in Islam; it is oppression and abuse. Marriage is Islam requires ijab and a qubul (proposal and acceptance). Forcing a woman to marry a man means that there was no qubul, this is the right of a woman, regardless of her age.  Without it the marriage is a sham, like living in zinā.

Some parents use the tactic of not speaking to a son/daughter for months at a time to convince them to get married to the person of the parent's choice. This is akin to cutting of the ties of the womb, which is a sin.  Other families threaten to disown the offspring if he or she does not accept the prospective spouse especially if it is a cousin from the homeland. In other places, the women are not given the right to even think that they can say no. They are brainwashed from a young age to obey their parents even if their hearts are screaming 'NEVER.' I have read through pages of testimonies of young women and men suffering through forced marriages.

Among the rights of our parents is that we obey them but this obedience is not blind, deaf and dumb. A nikāḥ is a spiritual contract and you can not have a contract when one of the parties or both of the parties have not committed their body and soul to the other for the sake of God. That is marriage in Islam.

Why do parents do force their offspring into an unwanted marriage?

They love you, take care of you, your mother carried you in her womb for months, nursed you, cried at your every pain. Your father worked days and nights to provide for you. Then why is it when it comes to the time when they should be your protectors and support you in the most important decision of your life, they are willing to submit you to abuse?

Many, many times it is culture. It is often family pressure: they have made promises or commitments to their relatives. Sometimes, their relatives are emotionally blackmailing them by threatening to cut off family ties. What parents often do not realize is in wanting to keep their kinships intact, they are destroying their own children.

Other reasons include a perverted notion of 'izzah “family honor”, ensuring land, property and wealth remain within the family, preventing relationships considered to be “unsuitable” for example outside a specific ethnic, racial group, helping relatives or caste/tribe members with residency and citizenship issues, controlling unwanted behavior and sexuality (including perceived or real promiscuity, or worries that their offspring is gay), and to provide a caretaker for a person with mental and/or physical disabilities.

They sometimes think that being parents gives them rights which are not given to them by God.

Islamic Rulings

Marriage without consent- In the Shāfi'i and Ḥanbali school of thought- the majority of scholars are of the view that if a woman is married off without her consent, then the marriage contract is invalid, because it is a forbidden contract which cannot be validated.

According to the Ḥanafi school of thought, the contract is dependent upon the woman's acceptance. If she gives her consent then it is valid, otherwise she may annul it. See al-Mughni, 7/364; Fath al-Bāri, 9/194

If the son or daughter likes someone else: Ibn Muflih al-Ḥanbali (may Allāh have mercy on him) said: The parents have no right to force their son to marry someone he does not want.

Shaykh Ibn Tayymiyyah said: Neither of the parents has the right to force their son to marry someone whom he does not want, and if he refuses, he is not sinning by disobeying them, because no one has the right to force him to eat food he finds off-putting when there is food that he wants to eat, and marriage is like that and more so. Food that one is forced to eat is unpleasant for a short while, but a forced marriage lasts for a long time, and it harms a person and he cannot leave it.  Al-Adāb al-Shar'iyyah (1/447)

Concerning a minor: According to Mufti E. Desai, since Islām does not allow a minor to conduct business or make financial decisions for himself or herself, a marital contract of a minor falls under the same premise. However Islām does not give a father the right to use his children's wealth without their permission, so how can he be allowed to decide, without the daughter's permission, how her body (which is more important than her wealth) is to be used, specially when she disagrees.

Concerning a young woman or a widow/divorcee: Abu Hurayrah reported that the Prophet said: “A previously married woman may not be married without her command, and a never married woman may not be married without her permission; and permission for her is to remain silent.” (Al-Bukhāri, Muslim, and others) The exegis of this Prophetic tradition is that if she does not speak up that means that she is giving consent.  A wali (close male relative) is a command-executor in the case of the previously married woman, and is permission-seeker in the case of a never-married woman.

Relevant Hadith:

Khansa' bint Khizam al-Ansāriyyah said “My father married me to his nephew, and I did not like this match, so I complained to the Messenger of Allāh. He said to me “accept what your father has arranged.” I said “I do not wish to accept what my father has arranged.” He said “then this marriage is invalid, go and marry whomever you wish.” (Fathul Bāri, Sharah Al Bukhāri 9/194, Ibn Mājah Kitabun Nikah 1/602). In another version, she went to the Messenger of Allāh (ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam) and he annulled the marriage. Narrated by al-Bukhāri, 4845.

And it was narrated from Ibn ʿAbbās (may Allāh be pleased with him) that a virgin came to the Prophet (ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam) and told him that her father had married her off against her objections. The Prophet (ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam) gave her the choice. Narrated by Abu Dāwūd, 2096.

According to scholars you should also not fear your parents du'ā' against you or their being angry with you, because that is a sinful du'ā' which Allāh will not accept from them, inshā'Allāh, unless you are transgressing against them, and not giving them their other rights. Because it is permissible for you to marry without adhering to their wishes, you will not be sinning or doing wrong. (From Islamqa)

Another misconception is that the bride and groom are not allowed to see each other before the marriage and this is somehow Islamic. The man has permission to see her face before agreeing to marry as the Messenger of Allāh (ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam) said, “Go and look at her (the woman you are considering marrying) because this will help your time together to be strengthened. ” (Ahmad) If our eyes are the path to our heart- how can the One who made us, forbid us from looking at the person who will become the most intimate part of our lives.

Some advice for someone being forced to get married

If you are facing circumstances where you are getting married against your will then SPEAK up! You are not your parent's property.  Don't ruin your life or your future spouse's life- s/he may not even know that you do not want to get married and will have to suffer through a loveless marriage for the rest of his/her life. You don't marry someone for your parent's sake, for your family's sake, or for anyone's sake.

You should actively and patiently do the following:

1. Very politely show your parents/guardians the relevant ayahs in the Qurʾān and refer them to the Sunnah, ḥadīth, opinions of scholars that Islam does not accept a forced marriage and gives the person the choice in regards to nikāḥ .

2. Ask your circle of mature friends and family especially your religious ones to talk to your parents on a regular basis. Impress on them that THEY are NOT exempt from ḥisāb (accounting) for not obeying the Qurʾān in their pride. The Qurʾān forbids us from following in the footsteps of our parents/grandparents if they are in the wrong. They sometimes think that being parents gives them rights which are not given to them by God.

3. Talk to your local imam/ youth group leader to speak to your parents.

4. Most importantly pray to Allāh- humbly, in qiyām (night prayers) , asking HIM to guide your parents and to prevent a social and personal disaster.

5. Make istikhārah (prayer of counsel).

6. Seek out professional help. There are many organizations that can help you if you are being forced into a marriage.

Why are you refusing the match?

Analyze your reasons for refusing the match. Keep in mind marriage among families or friends of your family can work and so can marriages between two people raised in two different parts of the world. As long as there is mutual love and respect and a deep desire to keep the relationship focused around Allāh. In our community here in California, a young man recently married his cousin from India who is 4 years older than him. But it was his choice. He went to visit and liked her demeanor and personality.  He approached his parents and māshā'Allāh they are attending college together and just had their first baby.

If you honestly cannot stand the person or do not know enough about them to make a wise decision, or are not physically attracted to them, then let someone know.  Consider if you are spiritually on the same level as them? Are they better than someone you can find on your own?  Can you relate to them? Can you communicate with them? Do you share common goals and values? If the answers to all these questions are NO then please do NOT agree to the marriage.

However, do not reject the concept of marriage to a prospect introduced by your parents or your family just because you don't want an arranged marriage. S/he may turn out to be your soulmate.

The site, run by Detroit native Matt Dudzinski, tells the story of a very rare and unique role people take in today's world: a guy who decided with his wife to be a stay-at-home dad watching their daughter while mom went to work.

My excitement came because I had just recently experienced a time in my life when I was unemployed and, with my wife, made the decision (and in some ways was forced) to be a stay-at-home dad with our new baby boy, while my wife went to work. The experience was something I wanted to share with people, and I thought what better place than on a site written by someone in the same shoes.

The article was written for an open online audience at large. One of the goals I had was to show other American readers that your Muslim neighbors go through some of the very same and real problems you do, and here's how they approach it with Islam to empower them.

Now, I'd like to share it with the Muslim community. The goal this time, however, is to call something to our attention.

There are many personal situations that our community is largely unfamiliar with. Some examples are divorce, poverty, unemployment, and baggage from before accepting Islam.

Because of our unfamiliarity, we sometimes look down on people in situations that we don't understand.

This does a lot of damage to people. They might be in some sort of great need, but instead are shunned, because their unique situation is something people are just ignorant about, leaving them without any means of seeking help.

I found myself in one of those “unfamiliar” personal situations. I was a stay-at-home dad.

And while I found support in certain places, I also found scenarios where people from our community looked down at me because of my situation.

Why? I'm sure there are many reasons. Yes, our faith defines general guidelines for roles and responsibilities between genders. And maybe the way certain cultures that are predominantly Muslim have institutionalized those guidelines into hard, fast rules might have something to do with it.

But, like I mentioned for the other scenarios, I feel it's because of people's unfamiliarity with my situation that may have caused them to have a negative feeling about my decision to be a stay-at-home dad.

After all, what kind of Muslim man has his wife go out and earn an income while staying home to change diapers? No one really knows, because it's not something common, and therefore probably not a good thing.

These types of standards made life a little hard for me, socially. I would find myself feeling bad about telling people within our community that I was a stay-at-home dad. For some reason, I felt like people wouldn't accept me for it.

subḥānAllāh, we know very well the high regard our faith gives to people who treat their families best. And in my situation, unable to find work, I had no choice. I had to stay home (as you can read in the article). Yet, still I got heat for it!

Now, my situation isn't that big of deal; I only had to deal with this social stigma to a limited extent. Plus, I actually really enjoyed my time at home with my son.

It's people going through much worse that I worry about. Those who are divorced and have a stigma attached to them by others. People of other races that are looked down upon. Even people struggling with their faith finding little to no acceptance in the community.

People are in need, and when they want to try and reach out for help, they don't, because they know how people will react if they find out about their situation.

The solutions to this issue are many. But the one clear way I feel is to take a prophetic approach and be more open and accepting as a community.

Behind every tradition of the Prophet in words and actions, there were real live humans he interacted with on a daily basis, peace be upon him. Especially those that came to him with situations unique from the majority of the community. Anybody with any problem was able to approach the Prophet with an open-door policy. Hearing about those Companions' lives, may Allāh be pleased with them, gives people in similar struggles something to find comfort in and relate to.

But it's knowledge about their stories that is critical. To bring back the prophetic way of acceptance in our times, maybe we need to hear more about what people go through today.

And that's why I'd like to share my experience as a stay-at-home dad. Our community needs to hear about people in situations we're unfamiliar with. As Allāh says in the Qur'an, “…so that you may get to know one another.” (49:13)

I hope that by seeing how the situation was for me, our community can increase understanding and begin to exercise compassion to others in similar situations.

Compassion that, hopefully, can do the same for those in greater need, as well.

The Best Job I Ever Had

Four weeks before our first son, Abdullah Yusuf Shafi, was born, we found ourselves in an interesting situation. I had lost my job as an accountant at a corporate retail company. Within a few weeks, Ayesha was due to go on maternity leave from her position as a high school math teacher at a small private school, unpaid. Not exactly the situation we had planned for when we would have our first child.

Read the rest of the article, “The Best Job I Ever Had,” at TheGoodTheDadAndTheBaby.com.

Young readers are  invited and encouraged to send in their articles and blog posts to muslimkidsmatter@muslimmatters.org.

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Generosity, change, and equality were all advocated by the speakers last Saturday night, 19th November 2011, at CSU Northridge in support of a fundraiser for non-profit organization working for the Muslim community.

“We gather here inshā'Allāh to raise funds and to show Muslims are counted for… as we need to be a fabric in this society, be a part of the change,” said Omar Jabran, the MC for the night.

Jabran's words commenced the program for Halal Project, an organization dedicated to serving ḥalāl food (food ritually fit according to Islamic law) to any in hunger without discrimination on the basis of ethnicity or religion since 2009.

“Let's give for the poor of humanity and (the) hunger of humanity,” said Mufti Ibrahim, religious advisor for Halal Project.

He said the concept of the organization is unique as it wants to bring a balance to the society by giving to all humanity, not just to Muslims or to a specific race.

“Let's introduce to the American society, our culture and bring respect to our title,” said Ibrahim, as he gestured to the room filled with about eighty people. Ibrahim said they want to bring back charity on a permanent and regular level, in the Islamic way, which brings equality with justice.

He said that whether with time or money, if one is suffering from hunger, it is our responsibility to feed them as a part of humanity. “Who is the face of Halal Project? It's you all, everyone,” he said.

Farid Shahid, 19-year-old Director of Marketing for Halal Project spoke about the history and previous efforts, including the Somalia drought drive, the Pakistan flood drive and the several hundred meals fed to the hungry at Skid Row, Los Angeles on a monthly basis.

“It's an amazing feeling to feed a hot bowl of biryani (South-Asian rice and chicken dish),” said Shahid, drawing laughter from the audience. He also talked about the new project to have Muslim families in need be able to sign up to receive ḥalāl groceries, which will progress with donations from the public.

“We do all this for the sake of Allāh Subhanawatallah, we don't need anything, not even a thank you,” said Jabran before he introduced the next young speaker of the night.

Osama Shahzad, a 19-year-old Pierce College student performed a poem he wrote himself called “The Enemy.”

“Last time, I completely forgot and it was a disaster… well here goes nothing,” he said getting smiles from the audience.

Shahzad recited and performed his poem, centralized around the concept that Muslims are their own worst enemy when they don't show for what Muslims really should be portraying. He received cheers and claps from the audience.

“Skid Row. You forget you're in the U.S. when you're there,” said Hena Zuberi, Editor-in-chief and blogger at MuslimMatters.org.

She said the hungry people, the trash, the trolley carts are all so astonishing and the scratches you can see on the parking meter, which mark their respective territories.

“They come here waiting to die. They're addicts, orphans, veterans, mentally ill… and many of them are Muslims.”

She said they are a lot like us, they lose their jobs, then their homes and wish to find a job but can't because they don't have an address.

“Back home, we see hungry people and we feed them, why don't we do it here?” Zuberi questioned the quiet audience.

She believed it was wrong that people only send charity to wherever they are originally from, rather than giving to everyone and also that sacrificial meat can be given to Non-Muslims too, contrary to the general belief that it is something prohibited.

“Home is where our children are born and raised, this is home,” said Zuberi.

Zuberi said she tells her preteen daughter to be active and involved, and to showcase Islamic values. “We need to leave our Muslim bubble.”

She said a billion humans are in perpetual hunger while two billion are overweight or obese. “Allāh put enough food on this earth, we upset the balance.”

She said we should remember to count our blessings, to feed the hungry and clothe the poor as the illusion that “everything's okay” is wrong and that it is everyone's responsibility to give.

“(Being) poor as a person's own fault… does not exist in Islam,” she said.

She said the kids of Halal Project – the youngsters – are all volunteers that stepped up to the plate, putting out a positive message. She talked of how Steve Jobs became Buddhist because every Sunday, a Buddhist temple would serve food while none of the mosques in the community did that.

“Donations went down 6.6%, according to Helping Hands USA… Muslims need to step in and fill that gap,” said Zuberi.

She said everyone must believe and empower the youth because they are capable of so much and they are the future. “Spread Islam through character, like our Prophet Muhammad (ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam).”

The next speaker, Imam Suhail Hasan Mulla, spoke about generosity and its ties with the teachings of Islam, especially as practiced by the Prophets.

“No one is a true believer if you do not love your brother what you love for yourself… your brother in humanity,” said Imam Mulla.

He said that Islam teaches us to share and in reality we Americans are included amongst the top 1% wealthy people of the world, thus it should be a priority to reach out to others.

“Generosity is a tree from the tree of jannah (heaven),” said Imam Mulla. He said the Prophets would give to everyone and that's what helped spread Islam.

“People became Muslim because Prophet Muhammad (ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam) gave without fear of being poor,”

He shared the story of the Prophet's wife, Aisha (raḍyAllāhu 'anha) who had three dates in her pantry and gave it to a mother and her two daughters, who came to her doorstep in hunger. The mother broke her date in half and gave it to her daughters, without thinking her own hunger.

“One date got her jannah,” said Imam Mulla.

He said Prophet Muhammad ((ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam) said a person's wealth is not decreased when they give to others, rather they're rewarded by Allāh.

“A true believer is… if what you do is according to what you say,” Imam Mulla, said ending his speech with to applause from the audience.

Daniyal Motiwala, a current CSUN student and member of Halal Project, came up to recite a poem which he dedicated to all those who believe they can judge others when Allāh is, ultimately, the only Judge.

“We, as a society, don't think anymore… when did we become like them?” said Motiwala at the high point of his poem, ending with a solid statement and cheers from the audience.

Jabran then spoke of Prophet Muhammad (ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam) giving automatically without ever thinking of his own needs and wants.

“Let's be among those who want to change, let's see examples of Muslims helping,” se said.

At 8:30 pm, as dinner was to be served, a member of Helping Hands USA unexpectedly came up to thank Halal Project and commend them for their determination.

He said that Halal Project had contacted more than a couple of organizations to be able to donate to Somalia and they were rejected many times but unlike most organizations that would give up, they continued striving for a greater cause.

“We not only give but continue to give and support,” said Ashraf, the Helping Hands USA member, ending the night with those words.

Learn more about Halal Project at  www.halalproject.com and their Facebook page here.

Seeing the Truth

Little by little, day by day, as she continued her irrational behavior, my mother's abuse began to finally wear down on the affection, trust and admiration I had for her. One day we had an altercation in which she crossed the line, saying something I never thought I would hear my mother say about me. It pushed me to seek counseling and severely marred the love I had for my mother. Through counseling I was better able to handle the situation at home, but it was still very challenging. Then one day my mother crossed the line once again. After an internet search, I determined that she had a serious mental illness. Although I am not a psychiatrist and cannot officially diagnose her, a mental illness is the only way to make sense of my mother's non-sensical behavior. Although I recently made this realization, I can see in hindsight that it was prevalent throughout my life.

It was upon this realization that I picked up a book on child abuse titled, Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, PhD. Dr. Forward, who has written books on other forms of abuse, chose the word toxic purposely to make a point about the effects of abuse. In these pages, where she discussed her clients and their journey towards healing, I read my life. Here, in black and white, were accounts of other people who had similar experiences and feelings that I had. In this book was, almost word for word, things my parents had said to me, how my siblings and responded (differently) to the abuse and my own thoughts and behaviors. I was finally validated and I confirmed, for myself, that I was not crazy, that what my parents did was not only wrong but happened to many other children.

Unfortunately, this was a secular book. There are no books, websites, lecture series or even pamphlets about child abuse or mental illness in the Muslim world that I know of. Even if there are, they are not popular enough that I could find them easily. Forums discussing mental illness and child abuse are filled with, produced and moderated by non-Muslims and secular knowledge.

Another helpful book was regarding dealing with loved ones with mental illness. In the book and on their website, I found people's account of their own loved ones behaviors that exactly matched my mother's. It confirmed for me that my mother does not think or behave normally and is in fact mentally ill.

As for my father, since I always knew his behavior was abnormal and my mother had always tried to label him with a mental illness; I never made an attempt to understand him.  I now see that things were not always what they seemed between him and my mother. Even though he continued hitting me into my adulthood and still has something mean to say, he has simmered down significantly. I've begun to see what seem like hints of a guilty conscience in his face, as if he is finally realizing the consequences of his crimes. He now teeters between giving me the personal space that I ask for and demanding love and admiration I feel he never planted in me.  Although it can never excuse his behavior, (and though he still tries) it may be that his mind cannot truly fathom the hurt he inflicted upon me, why I feel the way that I do, or why I cannot love him the way he feels I should.

Suggestions for Solutions

Acceptance

Acceptance is the most painful but most important first step towards resolving the issues within oneself. Denial means believing that nothing is wrong and therefore that nothing must be done. In order to change the status quo, you must first believe there is something wrong with the status quo. We put our parents on such pedestals, expecting the best of them and believing they have our best interest at heart; so much so, that it is hard for us to admit our parents can be abusive. As bad as it feels for me to know that I have mentally ill and abusive parents, who I cannot trust or expect love and acceptance from, it is far worse to keep chasing the carrot on the stick in trying to please them and earn their love and acceptance. I still do my best to respect them and do some things I know will please them, but I don't do it believing it will change their behavior towards me. I know they will never change until they get the help they need and they will never get the help they need until they admit there's a problem.

I accept the qada' and qadr of Allāh; these are my parents and this is my life's challenge. I accept it even though I do not like it (and Allāh does not ask us to like our hardships). I accept that I do not enjoy my family's company nor like my parents (and If you think it is bad for a person to say they do not like their parents, imagine how it is to say it and feel it). Now I must learn how to fully accept who I am and who my parents are and to deal with them as they are. As others who have been through this can attest, it is a grieving process. Having mentally ill parents is like losing a parent who is still alive; they are physically there but mentally they are not who you thought or hoped they were. My heart aches with a lingering grief that is fed by my parents' continued hurtful behaviors.

Forgiving, but not Forgetting

Although this is probably one of the hardest things to do for someone who has been hurt as deeply as a child who was abused by their parents, forgiveness is essential for the relief of one's soul. In Toxic Parents, Susan Forward says that one does not have to forgive one's parents. I believe, as a Muslim, we should forgive those who have wronged us and that we should also know the limits of our relationship with them. We can forgive someone who robs us, for instance, but that does not mean we invite them into our house. Likewise, abused children should learn to forgive their aggressors, but know that their dealings with them cannot be like that of “normal” families. There must be boundaries, limits and some distance to protect oneself from harm and to prevent enabling of negative behavior.

I believe forgiveness is a journey, not a destination, that takes a lot of healing and personal work. I still bear some anger, resentment, and dislike for my parents and their actions, especially since they still continue their abuse, but it is significantly less than when I started my journey. Knowing that they were abused themselves and that they are suffering from mental illnesses (according to me) does not make it easier for me. In fact, I feel sadder because I know that they, too, are in pain and that if they were to seek professional help and work through the pain, they would begin to heal and get better themselves. I feel sad to think of them dying in such a state, never knowing or feeling connected with each other or their children. I feel sad to think that, if they die before me, that I will never know what it is like to truly love and be loved by a parent. This helps in my path towards forgiveness for me, but I cannot forget. They continue to be harsh and cruel and I have to place a barrier between us.

Recognition, Awareness, and Acknowledgment

Parents can and do abuse their power of authority and misuse/misinterpret verses of the Quran to take advantage of their children. When nothing is mentioned about child abuse, rights of children or obligations of parents, the problem continues. From childhood to adulthood, I believed there was nothing I could do to stop my parents' behavior or to save myself from the attacks. I was told that parents can say or do anything they want and there's nothing the child can do about it (because even saying “uff” was a sin). With my parents having such rights over me, I felt I had no one to talk to and that if I tried, I would be told to be patient, to not speak ill of my parents and to try harder to please my parents. Furthermore, since my parents were known as good people in the community, who would believe me? It would be my word against my parents and, for sure, my parents would call me a liar and say how I twist the truth to make myself look like the victim (exact words my mother has said).

Many people do not recognize their parents behavior as abusive and some parents, who may have been abused themselves, do not recognize their own behavior as abusive. I have heard other people tell me that their parents call them stupid, fat, lazy, ugly, worthless, good-for-nothing and I knew that there were other families like mine in our community.  I knew because my mother would tell me about them. In fact, she would compare their situation to ours and tell me “at least your father isn't as bad as so-and-so”. Nothing was ever said or done because it was a cultural norm (although my mother did admit it was wrong of my father to hit us).

When abused children grow up and have children of their own, if they believed their parents had their best interest in mind and raised them up properly, they will repeat the same mistakes their parents did. One prime example of this is Amy Chua, author of Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, a memoir of her parenting techniques. She received lots of criticism when an excerpt of her book was published detailing how she pushed her children hard to be the best, accepting nothing less. Just as her parents had raised her, nothing less than an A was acceptable and she expected them to learn and master a musical instrument. In fact, she prevented her daughter from eating, drinking, sleeping or using the restroom until she perfected a musical piece. Chua called her daughter garbage, lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent and pathetic. so that she would push herself harder and never give up. She felt she was exercising good parenting that would give her children the best chances of being successful. Even if they are “successful” (by her or societal standards), the psychological damage she did to her children will most likely create emotional and mental problems.

Like Chua, many Muslims, especially immigrants, believe they are doing what is best for their child, just as their parents did to them. Chua explained that her parents, like many immigrant parents, adapted this way of parenting from their countries of origin and that it was “western” styles of parenting that were creating unsuccessful, careless adults who failed to achieve their full potential. The behavior, however acceptable in other cultures, is nothing less than abuse.

Imams and Shuyukh need to speak about it and open their doors and hearts to those suffering in silence. We also need to have problem solving and life skill workshops for people, like me, in these situations to know how to deal with it. Telling someone to just be patient, to just forgive or to ignore it is very caustic. It is like leaving an open wound untreated and exposed to the germ-filled air – it will not heal and will only get worse. The abuse tears at a person's self-esteem and self-worth, just as water dripping on a rock slowly erodes it. Child abuse is a legacy, usually passed down from generation to generation; those who abuse their children were more likely than not abused themselves as kids. If we do not resolve to cure this disease, we allow it to let it spread and infect the ummah, killing us from within.

Even if you cannot empathize what it feels like to have abusive parents or how someone cannot like their parents, acknowledge and validate that this is true for the person going experiencing it. Understand that not all parents are as loving and caring as they should be and that it is not possible for everyone to please their parents or avoid disobeying them. No one wants to or likes to displease their parents. We seek our parents' approval in life; they are our mirrors. It is heart-wrenching to look into either parent's eyes and see disappointment. But when there is dysfunction in the brain's processes, when there is mental illness, is very challenging to please that person. They have a set standard that is difficult, if not impossible, to reach and will only lead to denial and sacrifice of one's self to achieve.

Know that when so much emphasis is put on rights of the parents, treating them with respect and not disobeying them and none on the obligations of parents and right of their children, that it creates an advantage for abusive parents and a detriment to the abused child. Just as I did growing up, they may feel lower than dirt because their parents are displeased with them simply for being different and expressing their individuality . Although I know my parents' labeling me a disobedient child is based on irrational and unattainable standards, I still feel guilt and fear when I hear that disobedience to parents is a major sin.

Counseling, Support Groups, and Books

I believe everyone can benefit from psychological counseling, regardless of whether they have been abused or live with mental illness (in one way or another). A Muslim counselor is ideal, but not always possible and, depending on the therapist, may not even be helpful. Some counselors have received sensitivity training to deal with first generation americans and/or Muslim clients.

Support groups in your area or online may also be helpful; it helped me feel less alone when I knew someone understood the pain of what I was going through. Some states have support groups for adult children of child abuse and other support groups offer help for loved ones of those suffering from mental illness.  Although it was formed for people with alcoholic family members, Al-Anon has been suggested for those dealing with abuse, dysfunctional families and/or someone with a mental illness

There are many self-help books that can help a person set healthy boundaries, deal with their emotions and heal the pain. There are none for or by Muslims that I know of and this is an area which we need to become active in.

Closing Remarks

Even though I received validation from books and my counselors, I still feel isolated and unsupported by the Muslim community. I still sense that my story will be seen as another child trying to complain about or blacken their parents who are only doing what's best for their child(ren). I still believe that there are very few, if any, imams or scholars who will stand beside me and give me validation and guidance to do what is right and best for me and my health. It took us many years to finally acknowledge spousal abuse amidst our Ummah and yet we still struggle to support our sisters going through it. How long then will it take us to finally admit to the problem of child abuse in Muslim families? And while women's shelters and domestic violence programs/workshops are being developed to help women abused by their husbands to escape, what can Muslim children who are abused by their parents do? While staying with abusive parents is detrimental to their health,  abused children cannot divorce their parents nor, if they are minors or financially dependent, can they leave their homes.

Alḥamdulillāh, I am one of the fortunate ones who has sought and found help through counseling. I recognize the problems within my family and myself and aspire to help others in similar situations to recognize that they are not at fault, that they can and should respect themselves by not subjecting themselves to the verbal and emotional abuse. We, as an ummah, need to begin discussing the effects of domestic violence on children; if a spouse is being abused, the children in the family may be abused as well. If the abused spouse refuses to seek help or admit that there is abuse, the children will continue to be in harm's way.

Māshā'Allāh, according to my counselor, I have made great shifts in my way of being within myself and with my family. My work with my counselor and with myself (through books and practices) are based on the goals of healing, forgiving and moving on, to undo damage that was (and is) caused by living in such a household. There is no way all the damage can be undone, but at least its impact can be lessened.  I have learned to set healthy boundaries, learned to respect myself, and learned to remove myself from a harmful situation. I now know that I can respect my parents and respect my own need for safety, that honoring my parents does not mean I have to listen to them berate me, and that walking away is not a sin when it is done respectfully.

I feel a sort of catharsis from releasing what I have hid from even my most trusted and closest friends and sense some healing from using my negative experience to invoke positive change. In telling my story, I hope to raise awareness, fuel discussion and inspire others to start talking about a topic that has deeply affected my livelihood and the lives of thousands of Muslims. Although I submit this anonymously, by finally speaking out and being heard, I choose to have a voice for myself and for those who feel they cannot speak. I choose to remain anonymous to protect myself from unwanted attention and unneeded pity or sympathy, and to protect the identities of my family members. Everything written here is true and this is only a glimpse of what I went and still go through. I pray it benefits the ummah to have this brought out into the open. May Allāh protect us all from such hardships and help those of us who've lived through it to heal. Āmīn.

By Bint Alam

Throughout our lives, in various phases as we grew, there were people whom we admired. The back of our school diaries, the drawers of our study tables, the inside of our cupboard doors, all were filled with their pictures, photographs and sometimes autographs. They were the superstars!

No matter how much we denied with our tongues, our attitudes quite well manifested the deep sense of love we had for them in our hearts. If our hearts would be examined well, somewhere, in some corner, a strong aspiration to be a superstar would have been found. Be true to yourself, it is a fact!

So here I am to help you be a REAL SUPERSTAR inshā'Allāh, your DREAM come true…

Lord of the Worlds: As Muslims, we strongly believe that there is One true God, the Most Perfect, and the One above all imperfections. When we submit our wills to Him through Islam, we break the shackles of this world and start living in the expanse of the hereafter. Thus, our thinking spectrum broadens and we start thinking big and wise. This pure concept of the Almighty is the first step in you being a superstar!

It is always the scenario in the superstar contests that most of the participants actually fall off the list and only the apparently best remains. Thus, it is true that not all can be superstars in the context of the limited dunya. But when you know Allāh 'azz wa jall's attribute of being above all limitations and imperfections, that is when you can truly realise that it is not impossible for Allāh to make all human beings superstars, though it is impossible for those on the judges' tables as they are human beings like us with strong limitations and imperfections!

You are a superstar in your own way: As Muslims, we submit ourselves in total submission to the Lord of the Worlds. We become full-time slaves of Allāh instead of slaves of mankind. Thus, we believe each one of us is given various kinds of blessings according to which we have our responsibilities. The more the blessings, the more the responsibilities. As a full-time slave, you are continuously busy in striving to fulfill these responsibilities in front of Allāh 'azza wa jall. Remembering the fact that you work HARD for none but Allāh is the next step in you being a superstar!

If only those with beauty, wealth and health were deserving of the title of a 'Superstar', then that would automatically negate our first point. Because if this title was limited to these people only, it would mean that our Lord has done an injustice on us—and our Lord is above all imperfections, subḥānAllāh. Thus, the ones with more blessings do not necessarily gain the love of Allāh, but the ones who fulfill the responsibilities that come with these blessings for Allāh's sake, will attain His love. Therefore, no matter what profession, what status you have in this world, whatever situation you are in, be grateful to Allāh and do what your situation demands from you only for the sake of Allāh, and you will be a superstar in His Sight. And if you gain the status of a 'Superstar' in the Sight of Allāh, what other Oscar award do you require? SubḥānAllāh, this is indeed the best way of becoming a real 'Superstar' in the sight of the best of Judges, the Most Just of Judges, our Lord Allāh (subḥānahu wa ta'āla).

So, I wish you all the best in your journey towards becoming a superstar!

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7

Bismillah wal?amdulillah. To begin, I am an attorney licensed in both Texas and California, but I am not a specialist in family law, and I am not submitting this post as legal advice nor as a substitute for legal advice.

Rather I have come across some very useful and (sadly) necessary information for people — let's be frank, usually women — who have to seek the assistance of law enforcement to restrain a violent or abusive spouse (or former spouse).

The following information is from the website: www.texaslawhelp.org, and was provided to that site by Texas RioGrande Legal Aid.

PERSONAL SAFETY PLANNING-Information provided by Texas RioGrande Legal Aid

SAFETY DURING AN EXPLOSIVE INCIDENT

• If there is an argument, try to be in a place that has an exit. Avoid the bathroom, kitchen or any room that may contain weapons.
• Practice how to get out safely. Know what doors, windows, elevators, stairwells, or fire escapes you would use.
• Keep purse and car keys readily available.
• Identify a friend or neighbor you can tell about the violence and ask them to call 911 if they hear a disturbance coming from your house.
• Arrange a code word to alert your children, friends and family that you need help.
• Plan where you will go if you have to leave home & a back-up place (even if you don't think you are going to need it).
• In a dangerous situation, appease the abuser if possible to keep him or her calm. You have the right to protect yourself until you are out of danger.

Remember: You don't deserve to be hit or threatened!

SAFETY FOR YOUR CHILDREN

• Talk to your children about a safety plan when you are not with them.
• Tell your children's school and/or daycare who has permission to pick up the children.
• Teach your children how to dial 911 for police and fire assistance.
• Practice your escape plan with the children, if appropriate.

SAFETY WHEN YOU ARE PREPARING TO LEAVE

• Abusers are more violent when they believe that the person they have abused is leaving the relationship. This is the time to be most cautious.
• Get your own post office box so that you can receive checks and mail.
• Open a checking or savings account in your own name at a different bank and try to get a credit card in your own name, to increase your independence.
• Leave money, an extra set of keys, copies of important papers, extra clothes and medicine with someone you can trust so you can leave quickly.
• Keep change for phone calls on you at all times. Using a calling card is not safe!
• You can seek shelter and help by calling 1-800-799-SAFE. Figure out who would be able to let you stay with them or lend you some money.
• If you have pets, make arrangements for them to be cared for in a safe place.
• Review your personal safety plan often.

SAFETY AND YOUR EMOTIONAL HEALTH

• The experience of being battered and verbally degraded by partners is usually exhausting and emotionally draining.
• If you are thinking about going back to your abusive partner, talk to someone you trust about your options.
• Have positive thoughts about yourself and be assertive about what you need.
• Plan to attend a support group.
• If you have to communicate with your partner, take someone with you for moral support & meet in a public place.

SAFETY IN THE HOME

• Use different banks, grocery stores and shopping malls. Shop at hours different from those you used when residing with the abuser. Change your routine!
• If you stay in your home:

• Change the locks. Buy additional locks for the windows, and don't forget the patio door.
• Tell your neighbors that the batterer no longer lives there, and to call the police if they see the batterer near your home.
• Screen your calls.
• If you move:
• Never call the abuser from your home, or tell them where you live.
• Request an unlisted number from the phone company.

SAFETY AT WORK OR IN PUBLIC

• Carefully decide who you will inform at work about your situation.
• Inform your supervisor, building security officers, and/or co-workers of your situation. If possible, provide them with a photograph of your abuser.
• Arrange to have someone screen your calls, whether it is the receptionist, voicemail or a co-worker.
• Have a safety plan to use when you leave work:
• Ask someone to escort you to and from your vehicle or bus.
• Park in a secure, well-lit area.
• Use a variety of routes to come and go from home.
• Think of what you would do if something happened on the way home.
• Avoid isolated roads.

CHECKLIST: ITEMS TO TAKE WITH YOU

IDENTIFICATION

• Driver's license
• Birth Certificate
• Children's birth certificates
• Social Security cards
• Welfare Card
• Health Insurance/HMO cards

FINANCIAL

• Money/Credit/ATM cards (in your name)
• Checking/ Savings account books

LEGAL PAPERS

• Protective Order
• Lease, rental agreement, house deed
• Car registration and insurance papers
• Health and life insurance papers
• Medical records for your family
• School/vaccination records
• Work permits / Green Cards
• Income Tax / IRA's
• Passport / Visa
• Divorce and custody papers
• Marriage license
• Mortgage / Loan payment books

OTHER

• Medications
• House, car, and office keys
• Jewelry
• Address book
• Pictures of you, children & abuser
• Sentimental items
• Change of clothes
• Children's favorite toys/blanket
• Toiletries/diapers

REMEMBER: DON'T RISK YOUR LIFE OR YOUR CHILDREN'S LIVES FOR ANY OF THESE ITEMS. MATERIAL THINGS ARE REPLACEABLE… LIVES ARE NOT!

If you or the person you wish to advise are in the State of Texas, I highly recommend the pdf file from which the above information was copied. It is a succinct description of the law and legal avenues available to women who have reason to fear the actions of their spouses or former spouses. Also, it has fill-in forms that should be compatible with most computers.

But again, the information I copied and pasted is good for a person in many parts of the world, but the form itself will only help you in Texas, and Allāh knows best.

If your spouse beats you, or threatens you or your children or other loved ones with physical violence, or makes you afraid constantly, then please seek help. But a woman should not have to be beaten or physically hurt before she has access to help. You have a right to feel safe. If you are in doubt about whether your situation is abusive, you still have every right to ask for help. And if you are not being abused, but you know someone in such a situation, please do not wait until some terrible act takes place.

This story has been developing in the past few days; we now learn that the husband, Kashif Parvaiz, has admitted to involvement in a conspiracy to kill his wife. A Boston woman was arrested for allegedly plotting and shooting Nazish.

The circumstances in which she was killed were horrific but her life with this man was no less turbulent. She was allegedly a victim of domestic violence.

Shakila Chaudhry, a family friend from Freehold, said family members had told her that Noorani was physically abused by her husband. “She was such a nice girl; she always got beat up.” Heraa Chaudhry, of Old Bridge, who said she's a cousin of the woman, said the marriage represented “domestic violence at its worst.”

From Newjersey.com.

Another woman suffering from domestic abuse has been taken back to her Creator because of cultural taboos about domestic violence. How much more could she has asked for help? In a text message to family she apparently said “I m dont no wht to do…cant talk to him cuz he abuse me than…he doesnt wanna live with me…I dont no kids get scared of him sometimes i m so tired of this …I dont no i m scared…someday u will find me dead but its cuz of kashi…he wants to kill me..”

The Pakistani community really needs to look introspectively and ask ourselves, is our 'naak' and 'izza't' more important than our daughters' and sisters' lives? When we send our women back in the hand of savages who mistreat them and abuse them, who are we trying to please? WE are so scared of the community and the people who will talk. Will they be there to raise her children after she is gone? Divorce is disliked but is not haram in our religion, however we are willing to let our daughters face DEATH rather than get divorced from an abuser.

Having said that, I do not blame this particular family, I am sure that they did whatever they could to help her; it is our culture. These norms have been so ingrained in our women, that we do not listen to good naseehah and go back to our abusers.

Right after the murder, Parvaiz made a number of conflicting statements, including that the shooting was a bias crime, Bianchi said at a Friday press conference. In his first statement, Parvaiz said he was shot by a black male, a white male and an unknown third male who shouted slurs saying that he and his wife were terrorists.

These details make my blood boil, the crying wolf about a hate crime makes it harder for real victims of hate crimes. God forbid, next time if there really is a bias crime, people will always remember this plot first.

The statement by Nazish Noorani's cousin after her funeral was poignant and thoughtful-

Initially, it was reported that it might be a hate crime. I just want to say, that we never thought that. This is fantastic area to live. We have always been from here. Everyone has just been wonderful.

We want to say that we have set up a website, http://www.nazishmemorialfund.org/. We want everyone to check that out. It is for the benefit of the two sons. Please visit that site. That would be very helpful.

**************************
Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi rajioon. A 27-year old Pakistani- American, mother of two, was shot in front of her 3-year-old child while taking a walk after iftar with family. May Allāh bless them, their family and protect our families.  May Allāh punish anyone who assaults families.

Announcement on August 18th, 2011

Funeral will be held at:

JMIC
110 Harrison Street,
Boonton, NJ 07005

after Jumu'ah approx. 1:30 p.m

The details of this horrific murder are still unclear- our thoughts and prayers are with the family- May Allāh SWT grant her Jannat tul Firdaus.

Video from ABCNews

Video from CBS.com

Video from WABC-TV/DT

Cops suspect that a couple gunned down while pushing their 3-year-old son in a stroller in Boonton, NJ, last night were targeted.

Nazish Noorani, 27, was killed. Her husband, Kashif Pervaiz, 26, was shot four times. He was in surgery today but is expected to survive, family members said.

“This investigation is ongoing and the release of information at this stage would compromise the progress of same,” Morris County Prosecutor Robert Bianchi said in a statement. “From what we have already determined, however, it should be noted that this shooting clearly appears to be target specific and that there is not a continuing danger to the general public at large.”

The couple were at Noorani's sister's house in Boonton to break the Ramadan fast last night. They were shot after they left the dinner.

Five shots rang out about 11:30 p.m. Noorani was hit near her heart and Pervaiz was shot in the ankle and shoulder, NJ.com reported.

The family is Muslim and Noorani, 27, was wearing distinctive Pakistani clothing when they went for a walk after their Iftar – the nightly meal that breaks daily fasting during the season of Ramadan. “We've had Muslims in the community for over 50 years and very few problems with hate crimes,” Boonton Police Chief Michael Beltran said.

Read more here

The husband's brother told The Associated Press three people opened fire on the couple on the darkened street. Mansoor Hassan says the child was unharmed and is with his grandmother.

Perveiz was studying at Harvard University. Harvard University has said that they have no record of his enrollment.

Read rest here

Waking up to eat suhoor (pre-dawn meal) in the month of Ramadan at an unusual time of the night and sharing it with family members is both exciting and enjoyable.  Doctors warn against eating a heavy meal at that time. Thus, suhoor-time meal should be easily digestible, yet filling. Another important factor to keep in mind is that it should not require lengthy preparation. Generally, it is recommended to prepare the dish prior to sleeping and and re-heat it before serving. Khichri is one such dish.

Khichri is usually a vegetarian dish but this recipe has been customized to add meat, to make it wholesome and filling. Lentils, rice and vegetables add to the nutrition value of this dish. Moreover, it goes together quickly and can even be mostly assembled ahead of time. So now you can spend more time in personal ibaadah and less time in kitchen!

Serves: 4-6

Ingredients:

1¼ cups basmati rice
2 tbsp ghee or vegetable oil
500 gms minced meat (your choice of chicken, beef or lamb)
1 tsp ginger paste
2 tsps garlic paste
1 large onion, finely chopped
1¼ cups red split lentils (masoor dal), rinsed
2 tsp garam masala (curry powder)
1½ tsp salt, or to taste
pinch of ground asafetida
4 cups water
2 tbsp chopped fresh cilantro

Method:

1. Rinse the basmati rice in several changes of water until the water runs clear, then let soak for 30 minutes. Drain and set aside until ready to cook.
2. Melt the ghee/vegetable oil in a flame-proof casserole or large pan with a tight-fitting lid over medium-high heat. Add the onion, garlic paste and ginger paste and sauté for 5-8 minutes, stirring frequently, until golden (not browned).
3. Stir in the rice, minced meat (your choice of chicken, beef or lamb) and lentils along with the garam masala, salt, and asafetida, and stir for 2 minutes. Pour in the water and bring to a boil while stirring continuously.
4. Reduce the heat to as low as possible and cover the pan tightly. Simmer without lifting the lid for 20 minutes, until the grains are tender and the liquid is absorbed. Re-cover the pan, turn off the heat, and let stand for 5 minutes.
5. Use 2 forks to mix in the cilantro and adjust the seasoning, adding more salt if necessary.

Serve with chapatti (Indian bread) and raita (yogurt).

Re-heating this dish is easy! Re-heat on low-medium heat and add water if necessary to maintain the porridge like consistency.

Bon appetite!

Question: I'd love to know what you do differently if you make this dish often. And what have you been eating for your suhoor meals? Post your replies below!

What are the advantages of communicating with our children?

1. We understand their lives better and what they face on a daily basis at school.
2. We can give them confidence that they can approach us with any issue/problem.
3. We can break cultural taboos and stereotypes.

Moving further on the topic of tarbiyyah, inshā'Allāh, of the many advantages of keeping open communication with patience, wisdom and understanding, preteens/teens feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings with their parents, especially their mothers.

“Teenage Privacy”:

I, personally, do not believe in offering preteens/teens “privacy.” By all means, give them their “space,” but it is not synonymous to privacy. You should have access to their room, closets, computers and all their other stuff. It should be matter-of-fact and peaceful, not antagonistic. Don’t be intruding when they are with the friends, but KNOW who their friends are.

Preteen/Teenage Crushes:

Preteens/teens should be at such a comfort level around us that they should not mind sharing their feelings/emotions and secrets with us, even if it is about their crushes. This is the kind of relationship we should aim for.

Do not react to every single crush. Hold yourself back, take a deep breath and know that it is actually unnatural not to have crushes. With that in mind, make sure you thoroughly teach them that they should:

• Not trust every other friend with their crush.
• Be shy and modest about it.
• Never openly confess it or try to inform the one they have a crush on (it becomes common knowledge at school)
• realize the fragility of a Muslim woman’s reputation.

Give them sufficient warning against falling in love with the wrong person. If you have any examples in the family or amongst friends, tell them about it and let them learn from others’ mistakes.

Though that age of romantic thoughts and emotions is inevitable, make sure they do not become obsessed with their crushes. If it starts happening, seek help. Observe what they are watching and reading, especially with their friends. Try to minimize the means and do not let the crush go to the next step.

Special Advice for Parents of Girls:

Females have a special chemical called “oxytocin,” also called the “love hormone,” and it plays a major role in what’s called, “the biochemistry of attachment.” That’s why a little attention from a good-looking, popular boy or just a boy can make them feel special and they can develop feelings for someone whose last intention is to bond with them.  Learn more about this.

There is a phenomenon rising of Muslim girls falling for non-Muslim boys (an obvious side effect of Disney movies). It is not only about haram and halal; it is also about falling in love and uncontrollable emotions. Unfortunately, I cannot prolong the discussion by offering solutions, this is a topic for another discussion, but I just want parents to acknowledge and be aware of what is happening. It is not limited to public schools (though it is more common there for of obvious reasons), but even homeschooled Muslim girls can fall in love online with non-Muslim boys because that might be their only “outlet” to get in touch with the opposite gender.

It is very easy to fool girls, especially the shy and naïve girls. For some boys, these types of girls become a “challenge to overcome” at schools, so load your daughters with sufficient warnings but do not set “double standards” for your daughters vs. your sons, please!

Let them Evaluate your Parenting:

There may be things you will do as parents thinking that they are helping to build a relationship, but they might be having a negative effect. Discuss your parenting techniques with your children. Tell them why you are taking a certain approach. Find different approaches. Put your child on spot; ask them: “what would you do if your child were to do this?”

KNOW HOW TO USE YOUR AUTHORITY:

Parents have been given authority over children but to use that authority wisely is a complicated issue. Allāh ‘azza wa jall hates shirk but He allows it to happen; if He willed, it would have ended but He didn’t and there is a lesson to learn from this wisdom (though we cannot fully understand the complete and perfect wisdom behind it).

Sometimes as parents we CAN put an end to something wrong, but we must choose our battles wisely. Sometimes letting go of smaller issues helps you take control of bigger issues.

For example, a sister who had recently started practicing was once seeking advice about her daughter. I noticed the sister was using too much religion and parental control over a daughter who was in her 20s. When I talked to the daughter she had similar complaints. Of the complaints the daughter had was that her mother would not allow her to go to movies on the weekend with her friends. I advised the sister to be wise in her restrictions. By no means am I promoting theaters, but look at the time we are living in, surrounded with multiple fitan, such as the fitnah of the opposite gender, Muslim women having internet affairs, men’s pornography addiction, and the increase in gays and lesbians. A’udhobillah, but we certainly do live in strange times. Compare that to watching movies with same-gender-friends, and you can see the difference in the level of harm. The sister didn’t take my advice very well. To make a long story short, her daughter ended up moving out of the house.

Stay a Step Ahead of your Child:

Parents always have to be ahead of their children, to be smart and wise. Get technical, become familiar with computers, Facebook, Twitter, text messaging, etc. Stay updated and upgraded!

Self Evaluation when Children behave badly:

When our children behave badly, it is a test from Allāh, as it is a time to evaluate our actions and our relationship with Allāh ‘azza wa jall.

• Du’a: use this weapon.
• Make yourself a role model for them: Good upbringing requires setting examples for our children. Whether we like it or not, parents remain the primary role models for their children.

Lastly, love is a beautiful emotion; let us not limit it to food, clothes, secular degrees, worldly status, and brand names. Give love its proper rights. None of us would like to see our children troubled, especially not on the Day of Judgment.

I have written this series as if I was talking to my own children, and I have shared the steps that helped me build a wonderful relationship with my children, alhamdullilah. There are some topics I left out and some I didn’t discuss in detail; I skipped the biological explanations. I am writing a book in which I discuss all these issues in more detail.

To conclude, I have only Allāh to thank that I was able to compile this series which inshā'Allāh will be beneficial to the readers. Special thanks to my wonderful husband, who supported me throughout, regardless of the content that we discussed. Many thanks to Mona White for editing my articles and to Hebah, Haleh, Hena and Anonymouse for helping me word many difficult parts. Last but not least, special thanks to all my amazing MM-Sisters who showed tremendous support when on several occasions I found myself on the verge of quitting due to some blatant insulting comments.

Whatever good is in here is from the blessing of Allāh, and all the evil and wrong is from myself and shaytaan.