Helping the Oppressor (Bully):

The Prophet Muhammad taught us the importance of offering assistance to both those who are being oppressed and those who are the oppressors by ending the cycle of abuse.  In the case of both the victims and the bullies, it is important to acknowledge that anger is a natural emotion and to help the oppressor to use healthy ways to express this anger.

We often worry what we will do if our child is being bullied, but what if  it is our child who is the one doing the bullying?  Here are some ways in which you can help:

1. Empower your child inside the home by giving him/her choices (i.e. “What do you want for dinner tonight?”  “Let's plan the annual family trip together.”).  When a child feels empowered by the adults in her life, she won't seek to overpower her peers through bullying and intimidation.
2. Get more involved in your child's life and show genuine interest in what your child does and says.  This makes a child feel important and less likely to seek attention through aggressive means.
3. Firm limits are imperative for objectionable behaviors; ensure that you are consistent in enforcing consequences for misbehavior.  For example, if your child hits his brother often, set a limit: “If you choose to hit your brother, you choose not to play with the PlayStation over the weekend.  If you choose to play nicely with you brother, you choose to play with the PlayStation over the weekend.”  By phrasing the limit in this way, your child understands that he is in control of his actions and, therefore, the consequences.
4. Be sure to act as a positive role model for your child.  If your child overhears you    gossiping about a friend over the phone, she  may take this as a green light to start cruel rumors about others in her class at school.  If you physically punish your child for misbehavior, he may view physical harshness as the way to show his power over his classmates.
5. Teach your children how to express their emotions in non-physical and healthy ways; allow yourself to be a nonjudgmental, understanding presence in whom they can always confide.  Encourage open communication to discuss emotions asking questions like, “Was there a time that you felt angry/ jealous/ competitive/ mean/ frustrated/etc.?”  Help your child to own up to her feelings rather than bottling them up inside and suppressing them; emotions will come out one way or another so we need to try our best to equip our children with healthy methods of self-expression.

Helping the Oppressed (Victim of Bullying):

And now some tips on what to do when it is your child who is the victim of bullying:

1. The best thing, by far, that you can do for a child who is being bullied is to be an active listener.  It is amazing how healing a listening ear can be.  Each day, ask how school went, hold your child when she cries, and talk things out.  This might not seem like much but it is vital to the healing process.

2. Allow your home to be a refuge and a sanctuary for your children.  Make it a place where they can be filled with love, support and have a feeling of self-worth.

3. Talk to siblings about what they can do to help.  Your children might not know what to anticipate in their classrooms from day-to-day but they should be able to expect peace and calmness when they enter your home.  Having a stable foundation to return to on a daily basis can mean the difference between a child being able to handle a bully versus feeling completely unequipped.

4. Be sure to have a family dinner at least once a week; they provide an excellent time to talk together and encourage dialogue.  I remember my mother insisting that everyone eat at the kitchen table every single day at 6 pm.  It made such a huge difference to know that I would have a venue to express myself each day.
5. Pay close attention to the way you react in front of your child when he speaks to you about being bullied.  If you begin to weep uncontrollably, you have reversed roles and instead of comforting your child, you are the one who needs to be taken care of.  This may even stop your child from confiding in you since he may worry that it is too overwhelming for you to bear.  Simply respond in a loving way but don't make your child's battle into your battle; allow your child a sense of autonomy and empowerment by helping her to find ways to deal with it on her own.  Here, role playing exercises can be very helpful.  Engage with your child by pretending to be the bully and brainstorming responses together.

Find out who is bullying your child, how long this has been going on, how the bullying manifests itself and whether the teacher knows this is happening.  Come up with a plan with your child including strategies she can use.

• Move seat or switch classes, you may even go as far as switching schools.  This might seem extreme but your child's psychological and emotional health, as well as self-esteem is on the line.
• Stay with a friend or group of friends during recess, at the bus stop, in the cafeteria or wherever bullying is apt to happen.
• Bullying is no longer limited to face-to-face interactions.  If cyber bullying is occurring, get off of Facebook and other social networks or at least block the people who are bullying her.
• Come up with a safety plan for your child.  A good one can be found here.

Enduring bullying is an incredibly humiliating experience for a child.  She may be afraid that you will be disappointed, that you won't understand her experiences, that you might worry too much, or even that you might side with the bully.  It is imperative to show your child that you are nonjudgmental and to allow him/her to come to you with anything that happens at school.  Ask questions that can lead your child to open up.  Introducing these questions in the third person makes them less personal and may allow your child to feel better equipped to discuss them.

• When a boy wants to be mean, what does he do?
• When a girl wants to be mean, what does she do?
• Does the teacher notice?  What does she do?
• Do people ever start rumors?
• Can friends be mean to each other?  How?

Bullying can have a devastating effect on a child's self-esteem, social skills and ability to trust others.  Here are some ways to counteract this negativity:

• Encourage your child to join groups/clubs/teams inside and outside of school.  Make sure that these are places where contributions are valued and where other members are disconnected from the bullying she experiences in the classroom.  Get your child a membership at a local YMCA, bring her to masjid activities, help her choose a hobby and connect with others with the same interest.  This will give your child a support system and help her to understand that the bullying has nothing to do with her since she will see that others accept her just as she is.

• Get therapy for your child if you notice she is becoming overwhelmed with what is happening.  This can be an excellent measure to prevent the issues from escalating into depression or an anxiety disorder.

• Speak to the school counselor or teacher after consulting with your child.  Please make sure that this is a step that she wants to take.  Be sure to stay calm when discussing the situation with them; it means a lot to your child to see that you are being a strong, firm advocate for them and that you are not overwhelmed.

A United Methodist pastor in rural Tennessee, named Brad Smith, said something beautiful: “God of all people, all shapes and all sizes, all races and all nationalities, all orientations and identities, and all abilities, I pray for all those who will struggle this year as victims of bullying. I pray for those who will be teased relentlessly verbally and online. I pray for those who will be physically assaulted because they are different. I pray for those who have to change in the locker room. I pray for those who think they are alone. They are not. I pray for those who think hope is gone. It is not. I pray for those who think suicide is the only escape. It gets better. I pray for the parents of the bullied who feel helpless to protect their child. God help them. Strengthen them. Show them your love. Let them feel your hope.  Not only this, but I also pray for those who engage in bullying. I pray for those whose self-worth and self-esteem seems tied to making others hurt. I pray for the parents of bullies who ignore the signs and think their child could never do this. I pray for the teachers who stand up for kids and for the teachers who ignore the problem. I pray for those who think this is just a rite of passage. It is not. I pray that not one child this year decides that suicide is the answer. I pray for those who succumbed to hopelessness. I pray that we can all learn from the mistakes and tragedies of the past and that we can protect our children and let every child know they are of great worth.”

Ameen.

They said “Hello, I am: Autism Aware” and in order to earn one, you had to be naïve enough to be disarmed by my cheesy grin and then ambushed with “So, what do you know about autism!”

Then, if you were patient enough to nod through my five minute presentation/tirade on what autism is, why early recognition is important, and how to recognize it in a child as young as two (Poor eye contact, less than six words, lack of social interaction) and if you nodded at all the right bits and laughed at my attempts at funny bits, you got a sticker.  Whether you wanted one or not.

(When a child isn't talking by a certain age and the parents get worried, people typically say: Give him time! My friend knew this guy who had an uncle who didn't talk until he was six, and now he's a ninja-neuroscientist-pastry chef-professor!  *rimshot* But actually, any child who isn't talking by the age of two should have autism ruled out before any more time is allowed to pass.)

It was cool actually, people would come to the autism awareness stall because they had seen someone else wearing a “Hello, I am: Autism Aware” sticker and they sought us out because:

A)      They wanted a sticker too -or-

B)      They didn't know was autism was but they wanted to find out -or-

C)      They knew very well what autism was and wanted to compare notes

I met school kids who giggled and slapped stickers on each other, parents whose children were in other centers, teachers who were sure they had undiagnosed cases in their own classes, doctors who were not sure who to refer children to, and lots and lots of young mothers who I accosted with a flier that had some warning signs of autism divided by age from 18 months to four years.

I also met:

•  Dr. Zakir Naik, briefly, surrounded by his entourage, as he made the rounds of all the stalls at the convention.  He politely listened to my autism awareness tirade before the entourage juggernaut rolled onward to the next stall.  He seemed like a nice man, MashaAllah.
• The mother of a nice young volunteer, who came to the stall out of politeness and left somberly with a “Signs of Autism” checklist in her hands with way too many underlined to take to her own non-verbal, hand-flapping, head-banging nephew.

•  A man who, when cheerfully ambushed with my typical “So, what do you know about autism!” replied with a slow blink, some agonizing moments, and the shaky reply of “I know that it destroys your life.”  He turned out to be an autism parent.

•  A little boy with Asperger's syndrome and his mother.  He didn't say a single word, and he stood reading a book the entire time his mother and I chatted, but he did look up and laugh at my one ninja-neuroscientist-pastry chef-professor joke before re-immersing himself in his book.

•  A father who was just passing by when he saw the word autism and stopped because he had just been told the day before by a concerned friend that his son might have autism.  He got the 'Where to get help' flier.

My duty at the Dubai International Peace Convention was four hours on Thursday and then nine hours on Friday and twelve hours on Saturday.  It was emotionally intense, not just because I had to talk non-stop, but because I met so many people with terrible fears that were completely founded.  SubhanAllahiWabihamdihi- my son has progressed to the point where we have hopes for him being able to get through primary school, InshaAllah.  Most other parents get the door slammed in their face right from KG and it is never opened to them again, and here I was telling them: There is hope!  But not for you, because your son is ten now! And hope has a waiting list! And based on the misery in your eyes, you couldn't afford it anyway!

Allah u Akbar.  A person who never speaks won't be held accountable for lies, but it is agony for the parents every single day.  Their child will never go to school, they will grow into an adult who cannot provide for their own needs- forget having a job- will they ever be able to dress themselves?

Let that question mark hang there for a moment, and imagine an old widow trying to care for an adult male who communicates by hitting, punching, and breaking- who collapses at home one day and no ambulance is called because her adult son can't speak let alone use a phone.

When is she discovered? In what state will her son be at that time?  Who among her relatives will take care of an adult male who cannot bathe himself?  What institution will care for him? If he runs out of the house, confused by the noise and the ambulance and the strangers, who will chase him down and bring him back home to safety?   If he fights the well-meaning strangers trying to take him home, how many of them will stay calm and keep trying after the first time they're hit in the face or bitten in his panic?  A better question to ask might be: what color car will hit him first?

These are the questions I ask myself when I meet other families with autism, and the only light in the darkness of that scenario is that Allah knows best.

He does.  Allah knows best.  And we suffer in this life so that we can be rewarded in the next, but never beyond  what we are able to cope with.  Allah will care for the grown man with autism, and nothing will happen to him that Allah has not willed and has not deemed to be good for his status in the Akhirah.  I was asked, by one woman at the conference, how I could even think of having other children (I have three) after my first child was discovered to have autism.  I told her that it must be good for him- maybe if my son didn't have autism he would have been a thief, a rapist, or a murderer.  Or worse- he could have been a very successful and handsome intellectual sort of young man who fell in love with the dunya and left Islam to become one of its enemies because it was easier and more glamorous than being one of its defenders.  There are worse things than being autistic- getting your account in your left hand on the Day of Judgment is definitely one of them.

My son was kicking the wall last night at 10:30 pm.  I went into his room and asked him if everything was alright.  He sat up in bed and said, in his funny robotic way:

“I have – a –secret – Idea.”

I smiled in the dark.  My son is verbal, Alhamdulillah, and after years of wondering what he was thinking when he sat staring into space for hours, I sometimes get to find out.

“You have a secret idea? Really? What is it?

“I'm thinking- what is charity? Is it an idea?”

Two days ago, one of his ABA therapists was helping him with a worksheet in which he was supposed to sort a pile of nouns into categories- people, things, and ideas.  A fireman is a person, a car is a thing, a discovery is an idea.  Charity was not in that list.

“Yes, charity is when we give things to other people to make Allah happy with us. It's something we do, but it's not a person or a thing. It's an idea.”

“Ok.”

“Good night Khalid.”

“Ok.”

He dives back onto his pillow and I can hear him kicking the wall again later, but I know he's awake because he's busy sorting nouns in his head.  On some nights I go into his room hours after he's “gone to bed” because I can hear him talking to himself, and he's reciting Dubai street names and road numbers. (Two seconds ago: “Baniyas road. Baniyas. Baniyas road.”) I went into his room one night at 11 pm and asked him if he was feeling alright because I could hear him flipping around in bed.

“Khalid, do you need help?”

“Yes, where's TECOM?”

“Near Barsha. After Mall of the Emirates. Before Knowledge Village I think. Good night.”

“Ok.”

He's asleep right now, and in our little home, all is the right with the world.  Throughout Dubai, and the UAE, and the rest of the world where one in eighty-eight children are diagnosed with the nearly crippling developmental delay of autism all is still right with the world. 

For Muslim parents, autism is the opportunity to have the false pretenses of societal expectations and wealth and family pride and superiority forcibly stripped away from the core responsibilities of what it means to be both Muslim and parent.  You don't need to worry about keeping up with the Joneses- they stopped inviting you over after that meltdown one time and don't call anymore once they found out your son had special needs.  Trust in Allah and take care of your child.  His disability is a gift, because accountability is harsh.  Worry more for yourself than for him and whether you are able to justice to your child without growing to hate what his label stands for, and have faith- really- in Allah's plan without allowing Shaytan to plant the seed of bitterness in your heart with what Allah has willed for you.

May Allah have mercy on us all, and give us the patience and Taqwa to see even our disabilities as opportunities for Jannah.

Please speak with a specialist immediately if your child:

By 18 months:

•  Doesn't point to show things to others
•  Can't walk
•  Doesn't know what familiar things are for
•  Doesn't copy others
•  Doesn't gain new words
•  Doesn't have at least 6 words
•  Doesn't notice or mind when a caregiver leaves or returns

By 2 years:

•  Doesn't use 2-word phrases (for example, “drink milk”)
•  Doesn't know what to do with common things, like a brush, phone, fork, spoon
•  Doesn't copy actions and words
•  Doesn't follow simple instructions
•  Doesn't walk steadily
•  Loses skills she once had

By 3 years:

•  Can't work simple toys (such as peg boards, simple puzzles, turning handle)
•  Doesn't speak in sentences
•  Doesn't understand simple instructions
•  Doesn't play pretend or make-believe
•  Doesn't want to play with other children or with toys
•  Avoids or doesn't make eye contact
•  Loses skills he once had

By 4 years:

•  Has trouble scribbling
•  Shows no interest in interactive games or make-believe
•  Ignores other children or doesn't respond to people outside the family
•  Resists dressing, sleeping, and using the toilet
•  Can't retell a favorite story
•  Doesn't follow 3-part commands
•  Doesn't understand “same” and “different”
•  Doesn't use “me” and “you” correctly
•  Speaks unclearly
•  Loses skills he once had

The signs of autism- excerpted from The Mayo Clinic website:

Some children show signs of autism in early infancy. Other children may develop normally for the first few months or years of life but then suddenly become withdrawn, become aggressive or lose language skills they've already acquired. Though each child with autism is likely to have a unique pattern of behavior, these are some common autism symptoms:

Social skills

• Fails to respond to his or her name
• Has poor eye contact
• Appears not to hear you at times
• Resists cuddling and holding
• Appears unaware of others' feelings
• Seems to prefer playing alone — retreats into his or her “own world”

Language

• Starts talking later than age 2, and has other developmental delays by 30 months
• Loses previously acquired ability to say words or sentences
• Doesn't make eye contact when making requests
• Speaks with an abnormal tone or rhythm — may use a singsong voice or robot-like speech
• Can't start a conversation or keep one going
• May repeat words or phrases verbatim, but doesn't understand how to use them

Behavior

• Performs repetitive movements, such as rocking, spinning or hand-flapping
• Develops specific routines or rituals
• Becomes disturbed at the slightest change in routines or rituals
• Moves constantly
• May be fascinated by parts of an object, such as the spinning wheels of a toy car
• May be unusually sensitive to light, sound and touch and yet oblivious to pain

Now, as I raise my own children, I have completely abandoned any foul words, even slightly impolite, like stupid, idiot, 'what the hell', 'I don't care', freakin', flippin', 'I hate you', etc. And I have enforced the same values on them. For a very long time, they thought the S-word was stupid and the F-word meant funky; they were corrected at a masjid in the US.

It was easier to enforce this standard of language when they were homeschooled. However, as they have stepped into the “real” world, i.e. started school, and extended their circle of friends, they are becoming accustomed to hearing many of these words. Unfortunately, using swear words is very common at schools, and “slightly impolite” words are considered normal among Muslim and non-Muslim kids equally.

Back in my high school, I once had a discussion with a class fellow on the ineffectiveness of profanity. He believed profanity had to be used to emphasize a point. I remember him asking, “How will you describe a gorgeous looking girl without saying, 'she is so f****** beautiful'?” While I didn't see any reason why profanity had to be used to accentuate a point, he sincerely couldn't understand otherwise. As much as I would like to think that this was the mindset of someone who didn't know the importance of good words, Muslims have not shown any better conduct.

Regrettably, like many other issues, language has also taken a downfall in the past decade. Profanity has become so ordinary that mean words don't even sound foul anymore. Alḥamdulillāh, my children do not use any cuss words, but I wonder how long someone could refrain from using words they hear 5 to 6 hours a day, every day. It is becoming harder to find them friends, Eastern or Western, who don't habitually swear, forget the “slightly impolite” words. Children even swear at each other's parents. If someone refrains from cursing back, he/she is considered a “wuss”. My standard of clean language is starting to appear a bit utopian!

Islam urges us to use pleasant speech and decent words. Selection of words distinguishes a human being and is a means to achieve Paradise or Hellfire. Countless aḥadīth emphasize the necessity of safeguarding one's tongue, and a number of verses mention the virtues of using good words. Allah 'azza wa jall compares good words to a virtuous tree:

أَلَمْ تَرَ كَيْفَ ضَرَبَ اللَّهُ مَثَلًا كَلِمَةً طَيِّبَةً كَشَجَرَةٍ طَيِّبَةٍ أَصْلُهَا ثَابِتٌ وَفَرْعُهَا فِي السَّمَاءِ تُؤْتِي أُكُلَهَا كُلَّ حِينٍ بِإِذْنِ  رَبِّهَا

“Have you not considered how Allah presents an example, a good word like a good tree, whose root is firmly fixed and its branches in the sky? It produces its fruit all the time, by permission of its Lord.” (14:24-25)

He 'azza wa jall has ordered the believers to say:

وَقُولُوا لِلنَّاسِ حُسْنًا  “And speak to people good [words].” (2:83)

وَقُولُوا لَهُمْ قَوْلًا مَّعْرُوفًا   “And speak to them words of appropriate kindness.” (4:5)

And Allah 'azza wa jall informed us:

إِلَيْهِ يَصْعَدُ الْكَلِمُ الطَّيِّبُ
“Whoever desires honor – then to Allah belongs all honor. To Him ascends good speech, and righteous work raises it.” (35:10)

While our religion holds good, pure language in high esteem, our youth (and adults) have succumbed to the use of profanity. It is heart-breaking to see even the good children use:

• vulgar jokes
• profanity to emphasize a point
• swear at others
• insult friends as a sign of “friendship”
• use words that contain a demeaning/disparaging tone as a normal way of communication

Allah 'azza wa jall commands us:

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا اتَّقُوا اللَّهَ وَقُولُوا قَوْلًا سَدِيدًا
“O you who have believed, fear Allah and speak words of appropriate justice.” (33:70)

قَوْلًا سَدِيدًا  is defined as:

قَوْلً: This is the speech that is released from a person's mouth and reflects his inner self.
سَدِيدًا: indicates shooting an arrow that hits the target without even slightly deviating, i.e. it leaves the bow and goes straight to the target.

Concurrently, it means a word/statement that is said without adding anything useless to it. In other words, a speech conveyed in the most cleanly and pure form. It has also been explained as:

“Together it consists of obligatory statements, righteous and beneficial statements, like salutation with salaam, and good words that brings about happiness in the hearts of the believers, and improvement among people.”[i]

What possible benefit, blessings or goodness can using words like damn, flippin', freakin', or other insulting words bring in a believer's life?

Aim for the Stars

We must keep in mind that often we achieve less than what we had originally aimed to achieve. If we only aim for keeping our children from using swear words, the chances are our results will slouch at some point, and they may actually end up using profanity. However, if we try to aim high, and keep away from any insulting words or words that have no beneficial meaning, then even if we achieve less than our goal, inshaAllah they will still be safe from using profanity. And if we achieve our goal then alhamdullilah we definitely, with Allah's help, have raised our children to a higher moral standard and kept them from اللغو.

اللغو: generally means any word/speech that is purposeless, does not bring about any benefit and is considered ill-speech.[ii]

Allah 'azza wa jall told us that the people of Jannah will be safe from اللغو:

ا يَسْمَعُونَ فِيهَا لَغْوًا
“They will not hear therein ill speech…” (56:25)

Most importantly, Allah 'azza wa jall described those believers who are successful as:

وَالَّذِينَ هُمْ عَنِ اللَّغْوِ مُعْرِضُونَ
 “And they who turn away from ill speech.” (23:3)

Benefits of Pleasant Speech & Good Words

I now conclude with the last part of the verse from Sūrat'l-Aḥzāb. Though Allah commands us to say قَوْلًا سَدِيدًا, He gives us an incentive:

يُصْلِحْ لَكُمْ أَعْمَالَكُمْ وَيَغْفِرْ لَكُمْ ذُنُوبَكُمْ
“He will [then] amend for you your deeds and forgive you your sins.”

The result of using righteous words and pleasant speech leads towards Allah's forgiveness. Allah 'azza wa jall improves and corrects one's action and replaces the bad deeds and forgives one's sins. This is the reward of those who are mindful of their speech and selective of their words so much so that using insults towards others doesn't suit their personality anymore.

Would we not want our children's actions to be corrected? What wouldn't we give up to get their sins forgiven by Ar- Raḥmān? What wouldn't we do to have Allah Himself, 'azza wa jall, monitor their actions?

Knowing the blessings and excellence of clean language should only makes us more fervent to instill the habit of using good words and eliminating any foul/insulting words from their daily language. Hence, I urge parents to carefully monitor the selection of their children's words and their own words at home.

May Allah 'azza wa jall give us and our children tawfīq to use قَوْلًا سَدِيدًا.

[i] http://www.islamweb.net/media/index.php?page=article&lang=A&id=148349

[ii] http://www.dralsherif.net/Fatwa.aspx?SectionID=4&RefID=1212

Her abusive relationship has brought her to the point of wishing for her husband's death, but she is unwilling to get out of the marriage for only one reason: financial instability. Her husband is the breadwinner and she left her studies to convert and marry him. If she leaves the marriage, she will not have anyone to support her or her children.

Another sister is in a worse situation; her husband not only verbally abuses her, but also suffers a sexual addiction. She also remains in her marriage because she is unable to financially support herself and her children. She says if anyone from her family could buy her an accommodation she would leave her husband the same day.

When it comes to domestic violence or abusive relationships, the issues of shame and dishonor have often been addressed. However, there are other reasons why women endure:

Financial Support

Many Muslim women endure domestic violence because they do not have the financial means to support themselves or their children. In most cases, husbands are the sole breadwinner and the wife becomes highly dependent on him for financial support. She would rather take the abuse than try to become financially independent.

Lack of Academic Education

Even in current times, many parents continue to put more emphasis on their sons' education and undermine that of their daughters. As soon as a good suitor approaches, parents marry their daughters off without taking any future commitments to the completion of her education.

Complications in Remarrying

It is a well-known fact that divorced Muslim women have a hard time remarrying, especially if they have children. The fear of living a life without a husband seems more difficult than having one who is abusive.

Self-Image

Sometimes women with education and financial stability tolerate domestic violence just to maintain the image of being in a stable relationship. In their minds, an unsuccessful marriage is conceived as a failure on their part. Their ego stops them from being known as the “victims” of domestic violence.

For the Children's Sake

At other times women drag along their relationship just so that their children don't have to grow up in broken homes. They believe a family with a mother and father is better than one with a single parent.

Should Women Endure?

No matter what the reason may be, there is no excuse for enduring injustice. Unfortunately, in many cultures, there is so much negativity associated with seeking help through a third party and/or pursuing a divorce, that many women willingly endure domestic violence rather than protect their rights.

1.    Seek Help

First, let us realize that not every case of domestic violence has to end in divorce. True, there are cases that definitely require a divorce, but there are other cases that can be sorted out without one. One may never know until they seek professional help.

2.    Your Marriage is not SOLELY your Responsibility

Do not be deceived into thinking that you are the one responsible for disclosing the “secrets” of your marriage by seeking help. You need help, your spouse needs help and your marriage needs help. If your spouse was sick, would you not go to the doctor to help explain his/her situation? Only selective people need to know what is happening in your marriage. Seek help though a professional and through close family members and friends whom you can trust.

3.    Evil Effects on Children

You will not be putting your children though any “embarrassing” situation should you seek help though a third party. They will, in fact, appreciate any help you can get to resolve the issue, rather than growing up watching their mother being abused by their father.

In case the solution is a divorce, again it is better for the children to grow up in an outwardly broken home rather than growing up, emotionally traumatized, in an internally broken home, trying to keep it a secret.

Complications of Remarriage, Financial Instability, and the Muslim Community:

In cases where the solution is divorce from an abusive relationship, the quandaries of remarriage and financial support need answers. We are not living in the time of the ṣaḥābah, where divorced/widowed women had no difficulty in remarrying. It is not practical for women to live a single life. Even when offering polygamy as a solution, hardly any brothers are willing to marry a divorcee with children.

Neither are we living in 'Umar 's time, who had set up an excellent support system for single women with no male family member to support them. Many sisters in the US do not work, and solely rely upon the husband for financial support.

Please do not misunderstand me. I am not suggesting that due to these challenges a destructive marriage needs to drag, rather I am encouraging the Muslim communities to think of solutions for these issues.

“He [Allāh] will make for him of his matter ease.”

While we find the practical solutions, let me remind my sisters and brothers who want to leave an abusive marriage to put their trust in Allāh as He instructed us.

“And whoever fears Allāh – He will make for him a way out And will provide for him from where he does not expect. And whoever relies upon Allāh – then He is sufficient for him.” (Al-Ṭalāq: 2-3)

It is interesting that Sūrat'l-Ṭalāq (divorce) is full of verses reminding us about putting tawakkul in Allāh and solely relying on Him for support. There are several reminders in this surah that Allāh will bring ease and Allāh will not overburden a soul, subhanAllāh.

Tie your Camel

When a family member was getting married, her husband-to-be, who is a very practicing brother mashaAllah, did not deem it necessary for his wife to complete her education. Though her parents wanted her to, they didn't want to miss the good proposal either. The suitor promised that he will provide his best for her as long as he lives, and in case anything was to happen to him, then his wife should put tawakkul in Allāh and make the best of her situation.

Alhamdullilah the need never arose and the parents didn't have to regret their decision. But, there are other cases where the husband turns out to be a very different person than what he had appeared initially. Daughters have to make the “best of their situation”.

I believe the necessity of educating our daughters (not to mention the importance of education itself) is vital, especially in our times. I am a proponent of early marriages, but I also believe that a higher education for our daughters is “tying your camel's rope”. Allah knows best.

Parents will have to come up with ways to support both early marriage and education without one becoming a hindrance to the other.

May Allāh protect Muslim families, bless their marriages with love and harmony, and protect our children and bless them with salih spouses, amin ya rabb.

Unemployment Series

Being out of a job does not equate to being out of work. There are plenty of opportunities out there to keep yourself busy while you search for a new position, allowing you to gain valuable skills, and even earn yourself some ākhirah points.

—
2008 was a very good year and a very bad year for me. It was the year I completed my PhD in Molecular Biology and officially became a 'Dr'. It was also the year I started my 18 month stretch of unemployment.

I wanted to be a scientist since I first learned the meaning of the word. But after four years of stress, tears, and broken dreams, the only conviction my PhD left me with was that nothing on Earth could make me go back to the lab. Job hunting was a major chore, as most Bio-sector openings were for postdoc positions in research. In the end, my period of unemployment was extended by a complete lack of direction; for the first time in my life, I had no idea what to do next.

Depression began to creep in as I felt the weight of societal expectations on my shoulders: that of my parents, my family, my neighbors, and even strangers I met at weddings. It was so embarrassing to admit that after eight years of higher education, I had failed (FAILED in big, bold letters) to do what most school-leavers have achieved: to get a job.

Alḥamdulillāh for me, the story did not end there; rather, it was the lowest point from which the only way was up. My situation began to improve when I launched my first social media initiative, SignLabs.org. It was the catalyst that rapidly converted my time of aimless thumb-twiddling into a time of self-discovery, proving to be one of the most productive and creative periods of my life so far.

There were many positive consequences to working on SignLabs: first and foremost, I was helping the community – that's always a win, māshā'Allāh. Producing the promo videos reawakened my love for film-making, an activity I hadn't engaged in since I was a teenager. I also learnt that as much as I loved it, I wanted media and film to remain a hobby, and not a career.

Click here to view the embedded video.

It was this same confidence that allowed me to break societal norms once again: in March of 2009 I made the somewhat controversial decision to go back to university, to study for a government-sponsored Masters in Bioinformatics. Yes, a Masters after a PhD (!). As much fun as I was having with social media, I missed my first love, the sciences, and wanted to give them one last try to see if we could work past our differences.

Alḥamdulillāh, we did. Twelve months of hard work and copious amounts of pleading with Allah led to my first, official, full-time job as a newly qualified Bioinformatician in 2010. I literally walked out of university one day and into my new work place the next. That is the power of du'ā'.

I am still benefiting from my 18 months as an un-employee. I am now less phased by positions of responsibility, both in and outside of the work place, and continue to collaborate on a number of community initiatives, māshā'Allāh. I also really, really enjoy my new job – a job that I only found having had the time and space to re-think my career path. Verily, after hardship comes ease, alḥamdulillāh.

A large part of the negative emotion we experience during unemployment comes from believing that we have let the world down somehow. That we are failures, and not worthy of success. Volunteering your skills, and indulging in creative pursuits during this trial can help you to feel useful and productive once again, whilst earning the blessing of Allah through your efforts to serve Him. Use this time away from the usual 9-5 routine to improve yourself for the benefit of everyone. It is a silver lining that you cannot afford not to mine.

My Journey

Last year I was blessed by Allah to move to Dallas for a year and attend Bayyinah's 10 month Dream program. After graduating from the program in July 2011, I returned to the pure land of New Jersey (pun intended) where I am currently studying at Montclair State University for a Business degree.

A few years back, I developed a desire to some how understand the meaning of the Qur'an. I developed an intense yearning to leave off everything for some time to go study Arabic abroad (at that time). In the process of looking for a place to study, I came across the Dream program in 2008 and intended to go when it was originally announced. That same year, Bayyinah announced that they wouldn't be starting due to logistical reasons, which lead me to research various institutions to study with in Egypt and other countries. This eventually started to pan out for me. I did my research about the areas, food, living, programs, etc available for an American student wishing to travel abroad, and knew what I wanted to study and how to go about it. I also had a friend who had previously traveled to Egypt and was willing to come study with me.

In early 2010, Bayyinah announced that the program would begin later in the Fall. After consulting my parents who felt more inclined for me to stay in the USA as opposed to traveling overseas, I applied to Dream and was accepted.  One year later,  I feel I made the right decision, alhamdulillah.

Studying in the USA vs. Studying Overseas

Though some may feel strongly about traveling overseas to study, I will present my personal conviction as to why I felt it was more beneficial for me to have studied in Bayyinah over studying overseas:

1. I had no prior experience in understanding or speaking Arabic. I felt this was a hand-crafted program for me which catered to my needs as a student of the language.
2. The faculty was diverse. We had linguists, scholars, and all around experienced people to learn from.
3. My studies were more focused. I had teachers and senior students on my back making sure I was doing my work, studying, and getting ready for weekly exams. Knowing myself and the way I study, I think I would have found myself in a shwarma shop, goofing off, or just not being serious if I went overseas.
4. The faculty was well versed in teaching the Qur'an in a way which is relevant to us as American Muslims. We went over passages in light of pressing issues such as feminism, Atheism, life of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) in Makkah vs. Madinah, terrorism, extremism, down to how to conduct a beneficial conference, marriage in light of the Qur'an, and more. I don't think I could have gotten that in Egypt.
5. Translation and commentary of 10-12 'ajzaa (plural of Juz [which means part]) of the Qur'an. I believe that 100% of the student body of the class of 2011 would agree that this was the best part of the program, hands down. Again, I don't think I could've gotten that overseas.
6. Seeing friends and family 3-4 times in the year. Without a doubt, I probably couldn't have done that if I went overseas.
7. I would've had my classes cancelled because of revolutions spawning from fed-up populations who were overthrowing their dictators.

You Get Out What You Put In

The Dream Program is not any different from other learning institutions in this regard. They will provide you the keys to opening a gateway to learning the Qur'an, but will not put the keys into the door and open it for you. You will need to work and exert yourself to open this new pathway of seeking guidance from Allah. Whether in the past or now, a teacher can only motivate a student to learn, but it is up to the student to use that motivation by making the right decisions through studying, memorizing what is given to them, and putting in the extra effort needed. As our teacher Shaykh Abdul Nasir said in the beginning days of the program, “Get off cruise control and hit the pedal to the metal.”

Just as universities have students who graduate Cum Laude, as well as those who graduate with barely a 2.5 GPA, those who attend yet don't learn anything, those who go on to graduate school, and those who attend and don't graduate, Dream is the same way. All students aren't equal, so we can not  judge them equally.

Curriculum and Teachers

Instead of me typing out the curriculum, the bulk of our studies are based off of this FAQ sheet. Give or take a few items, we fulfilled 75-85% of this curriculum, alhamdulillah. The objectives of each module are listed as well.

The bulk of the program was taught by Ustadh Nouman Ali Khan and Imam Zia Sheikh (May Allah keep them steadfast and safe). Hafidh Wisam Sharieff taught a three-month tajweed/Quran fluency module which ran until December. Ustadha Menahal Begawala conducted a weekly session of root analysis of the Quran which ran throughout the year. Shaykh AbdulNasir Jangda taught us classical texts, Ustadh Nuh Fares was the main instructor for Arabic conversation and literature. We also had a reporter from Al-Jazeera, Ustadh Bashir Ansari, who taught us media Arabic.

Brothers and Sisters Getting on Each Other's Nerves (In their respective genders—well, eh. Read below!)

We're a big ummah with many different personalities. It was like that for the companions and for us too. It wasn't until the Dream program I truly internalized the meaning of the hadith “A Muslim is the brother of another Muslim” [Reported in Muslim]. If you have a younger/older brother/sister, you know how you guys knock heads sometimes, agree, disagree, fight, yell, make up, go out to eat, etc. Girls do the silent treatment thing when they get mad, etc (I'm not a girl so I can't really comment here). Basically, everyone knows each others' dirty laundry after living together. It's really important that as people who lived together that we don't broadcast each others' faults to the rest of the world. The Prophet (SAW) said, “A servant does not hide the faults of others in this world except that Allah will hide his faults in the Hereafter” [Bukhari].

Family is defined by the fact you know each others' faults, yet persist in loving one another, being friends, and helping each other in becoming better Muslims. Don't EVER get sidetracked from this.

Conclusion

The program did have some hiccups throughout the year, but we all knew this wasn't going to be easy.  This is the only program in the West of its nature. Advice to current students, when hiccups happen, they eventually go away. Buckle down, stop complaining, and do what's asked of you. Look at what YOU can do better.

I wasn't the top student in the class, but I hope I wasn't the worst either.  None the less, there's always room for improvement. I could've invested my time better, spoken more Arabic on campus, and a whole ton of other stuff. But in  all honesty, I can keep putting up bullet points and commenting on them and keep speaking about how you need to be cognizant of going to the masjid for Fajr and 'Isha, studying hard, calling your parents daily, regarding your knowledge as sacred, understanding that respecting your teacher is what will bless your knowledge, etc. But for now, I want to keep it short. Be sincere in your intention to learn Allah's book and he'll take care of you.

But I Can't Attend the Dream Program

It's okay. No, seriously. You'll be fine. Dream is a means to the goal, not the goal itself. If your intentions are clear to study the Arabic language to learn Allah's book, then know that your intentions will take you where you want to go. I personally know of people in the United States who are fluent in the Arabic language simply by keeping up with a teacher whom they meet once a week, hanging out with others around them who speak classical Arabic, or by attending online classes. Don't wait for Bayyinah Dream to start your Arabic studies.

Arabic Resources

1. Qur'an Intensive – This is a 1-month summer intensive Bayyinah conducts usually in June. It requires the student to be present in Dallas for 1 month in which fundamental lessons in Quranic arabic are taught. The program is conducted and taught by Shaykh AbdulNasir Jangda.
2. Shariah Program – This is a program known for their Quranic Arabic department. It's run by Mufti Yusuf Mullan, a graduate of Darul Uloom, Dewsbury, UK. Though I haven't taken the program myself, I've heard a lot of good things about it. I'd recommend starting here for Quranic Arabic.
3. Studio Arabiya – This program has a good spoken Arabic program. It's based out of Egypt through an American student at Azhar. They also have a Quranic Arabic department as well.
4. LQ Toronto – This website teaches the Madinah books with a video to go with each lesson. In my opinion, this is currently a trending curriculum to learning Arabic online. It's 100% free.
5. Qibla (Formerly SunniPath) – I know a lot of people who study Arabic with them online. Ustadh Nouman Ali Khan also has good things to say about them and their Quranic Arabic program.
6. Bayyinah E-Learning – The website is not complete yet, but there are still some very good resources on there. Also be sure to check out Ustadh Nouman's notes on the 10 day course on the Bayyinah website. Heck, you might as well listen to the podcasts while you're there too! :).
7. Islamic Online University – This is a program run by Dr. Bilal Phillips and Shaykh Ismail Kamdar (fellow MM author). They have an Islamic bachelor's degree program in which they teach Arabic grammar courses parallel to Islamic studies.

You can also read about a few of my experiences at Bayyinah Dream here. This was a blog which I started with the intention of blogging everyday. But due to time constraints and other priorities, I could only keep up for a few weeks.

I hope this post helped shed some light on the program. Feel free to post a question/comment below. I look forward to hearing from you all.

By the way, if you're part of the graduating class of  Bayyinah Dream 2012, just remember that we (Class of 2011) set a standard really high for you guys…and we're not expecting you to break it :)

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ISoc2Sick

A classic tip from King's College London graduate, Bushra:

“Seek out your university's Islamic society and SIGN UP! They will be your lifeline out in the scary world of student-hood.”

Logo for one of the best ISocs in the world. I may be biased.

A lot of ISocs (a.k.a. MSAs for you Americans) have Freshers' (first-year) events in the first few weeks of term for new students. You can contact them before you start via their websites and Facebook pages (Google is your friend). If your university doesn't have an ISoc, try searching for Muslim cultural societies, like Pakistani, Indonesian, Malay, Arab, Somali, etc. Even if you're not from those cultures, they should still welcome you, and at the very least, show you where the best places to pray and eat halal are , inshā'Allāh.

It's also important to remember prayer room etiquette: give salām, smile, be friendly and welcoming to all. Just because someone doesn't seem as pious as you are (note: thinking you're better than others is a sure sign to check yourself!), or they pray a little differently than you, doesn't provide any excuse for you to give them the cold shoulder. You don't want your prickly nature to be the reason why someone doesn't offer their ṣalāh in congregation, or avoids attending circles of knowledge, or even regular ISoc socials, a'ūdhu billāh.

“Don't be judgmental- whether you are super-practicing or not. University will introduce you to many more different characters than those at school and will test your own patience by making you accommodate for these people. It will refine you.” – Bushra

Freeeeedom!

Beware the price of freedom.

A warning from graduate of Imperial College London, iMuslim:

“Don't let your first taste of 'freedom' go to your head – especially true for those sisters like me, who were rolled up in cotton wool most of their young lives! Suddenly teachers and parents aren't there anymore to keep their beady eyes on you, and Shayṭān's whispers becomes more like Shayṭān on loudspeaker!”

Without raining on your parade, the amazing high of your first few weeks away from home can also be dangerous for your īmān. You don't realize how much of your Islam is dependent on the opinions of family and other authority figures until they disappear from view. Strangers, especially non-Muslims, aren't going to care whether you pray your ṣalāh, or 'eat of the good things'. Now it really is between you and Allah; time to familiarize yourselves with His Attributes: As-Samee', the One who hears all; Al-Baseer, the One who sees all; and Al-'Alīm, the One who knows all. In conclusion: feel free to disobey Allah in the place that He can't hear you, see you or know about it. {smile}

However, greater freedom and a strange place also has its advantages:

“Starting uni is a great opportunity to renew yourself. Often school can be a very suffocating place because there is so much peer pressure from your friends – and even the people you dislike! If you've always wanted to start praying, wear hijab, clean up your language, volunteer more, and so on, but your peers were holding you back, uni is the best time to break the chains, wipe the slate clean, and start again with a 'bismillah'.” – iMuslim

Friends Forever

The heart is precious. Be careful who you let in.

Leaving behind childhood friends can be hard, especially if it takes time for you to make new ones. As lonely as you may feel at times, try not to fill that void in your heart, and the gap in your social calendar with just any company:

“Surround yourself with good people. Not just ISoc members, but also good friends on your course who may not be Muslim, but they live clean, and they respect you and your faith. If you left one bad group of 'friends' behind, don't fall into the same trap again now you've been given a second chance. The Prophet, ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam said: 'A person is likely to follow the faith of his friend, so each one should consider whom he makes his friend.' [Sunan Abu Dāwūd]” – iMuslim

Campus Superstar

You are going to spend a lot of time in here. Study tip # 1 - try not to fall asleep.

With all the fun of new friends, clubs, and societies, you may forget that university is actually for something called, STUDYING.

To help you along, here are some awesome study tips from University of California student, Meena, and University of Washington graduate, Safia:

“Don't give up the work habits that you established in high school. Most people have chiller schedules once they go to college and all forms of self-discipline and timeliness disappear. The hardest workers will do the best. Being “smart” isn't enough. Make iḥsān in everything you do – even school.” – Meena

“Be a known presence, not just in the university community at large, but also in the classroom. It's critical to visit during office hours and get to know your professors more. This is more general academic advice (of course, it's a da'wah opportunity also), but when you familiarize yourself with the teacher, it has many advantages:

• One, they'll know you're a serious student because you went beyond the classroom.
• Two, the more memorable you are to professors, the easier time you'll have getting the critical letters of recommendation that you will need for jobs and grad school.” – Safia

And a bucket load of academic advice from Wharton School of Business MBA grad, Amad:

• Remember why you are at college: to earn a degree. Keep the focus. It's only 3-4 years and if you put your mind into it, you'll reap the benefits
  for the rest of your life. You almost have to treat it as an extremely important investment that may dictate your career, your future family, and where you might live.
• Talk to senior students in your major. You can usually get great advice on professors, classes, and when you need something to lighten the load, professors who repeat the exam questions every year!
• It's not important just to “like” something to make a career out of it. If you want to be bread-earner, then you have choose something that will get you a job after you graduate. It affects what area you might be able to make a living in. For example, if you desire moving to the Middle East at one point in your life, scan the jobs that may be available in the region.

More practical advice can be found in this must-read MM post.

Don't Forget Your Roots

This is how happy your pops will be when you call him (before you ask him for more money).

Our EIC, Hena – graduate of the University of New Orleans – keeps it real:

“Call your mom!! Dad, siblings, grandparents, and old friends too – if you call them and keep in touch, it is less anxiety for them and they won't think that you have changed.”

Absence makes the heart grow fonder – but also more forgetful! Don't let the excitement (and stress) of college life make you forget those who helped you to get there in the first place. That goes double for the One who provides for you in every way: Al-Razzāq. Keep in touch with your Creator via your daily worship, dhikr, and regularity of good deeds.

—

We hope that our sincere advice is of benefit to you. May you be successful in your studies, and enjoy every moment of this new and unique life experience, Ameen!
Feel free to share your own pearls of wisdom in the comments below.

Related Article: A Message to Anyone Interested in a College Degree

This year Ramadan coincides with back to school for many families. Realizing that many of our Muslim brothers and sisters do choose the public school system for their kids’ education, this is a resource to help make the best out of Ramadan in public school. This blessed month is such a vital part of being Muslim that enjoying it and sharing it with others, instead of hiding it, goes a long way in maintaining Muslim children’s Islamic identity while attending public school. After the will of Allah, it begins with parental involvement in the lives of their children. You owe it to them.

Elementary School

Send in a letter or email to the school principal and the classroom teacher introducing your family and informing them about Ramadan. This sample letter to your child’s principal includes an offer to come into class and do a presentation on Ramadan.  You can correlate it to the phases of the moon in science especially for first and third graders as it is a part of the curriculum. One year, we did the phases of the moon craft and asked the kids to watch out for the waxing and waning of the moon throughout the month.

To preempt any misunderstanding, meet with the teacher and/or principal and show her your material. For example, the Adam’s World Ramadan DVD is a great resource, so I asked the classroom teacher to preview it beacuse she is more familiar with the school disctrict’s rules; she chose to show the second stanza onwards of the nasheed “We scanned the sky” by Dawud Wharnsby Ali – it was such a hit!! The kids kept asking her to replay it over and over again.

There are several great books on the subject that are perfect for sharing during story-time.

My First Ramadan by Karen Katz – this little book is perfect for preschoolers – 2nd graders and makes a great gift for the class library.  You can mix in a nasheed. It was amazing watching my daughter’s preschool class holding hands in a circle singing along to the chorus of ‘These are the days of Eid.”

Hamza’s First Fast by Asna Chaudhry – I read this book to my daughter’s third grade class, which led to a great discussion where kids of all different faiths talked about how their parents fast too. “Oooh, my mom fasts too, on Lent! Mine fasts to lose weight! We do it too on Yom Kippur” The kids gushed after I finished my presentation. My daughter loved being the center of attention and the discussion was alive for days.

The Three Muslim Festivals is a beautifully illustrated book that has stories of Muslim kids celebrating Ramadan, Eid ul Fitr and Eid ul Adha in a western country. It is a must-have for every Muslim kids’ library, and to educate others, gift it to your school library.

Print out some Ramadan activities for your kid’s classmates to color or crafts that they can make.

Send in Eid gifts – its great da'wah. It’s the beginning of the school year; it will break the ice and help your child feel special. Alhamdulillah, the children in our elementary school look forward to being in my kid’s classroom and remember that Zahrah doesn’t celebrate Christmas. They don’t have to be elaborate; pencils, dollar-store toys, chapsticks, a handmade rendering of their names in Arabic, etc. Attach a tag that says Eid Saeed/Happy Eid.

If your school has a newsletter and the administration wishes the students on their religious holidays then do ask for Muslim holidays to be acknowledged as well.  This little note started the beautiful tradition of wishing Muslim students Happy Eid in our elementary school.

For Middle/Junior High and High School Kids-

Fasting is fardh for most Muslim youth this age. A letter should be sent to the principal, homeroom teacher and especially the P.E. teacher. In this letter, explain your child’s physical and spiritual needs. This sample letter for high school can be adjusted to fit your family.With so many Muslim kids participating in team sports, coachs have to be included in this conversation. They are often concerned out of care and liability issues but a friendly letter or talk can ease their worries.

If your son wants to  follow the example of Muslim atheletes i.e. Hakeem Olajuwon and Husain Abdullah and man up to attending P.E.class, then let them. It is hard being the only guy in class sitting on the sidelines. (My maternal instinct says no way in this 102 degree weather, but  I give this advice based on talks with Muslim teens).

Make sure you make them get up for suhoor - if they are in the pratice of getting up for fajr this should be easy if not, use these tips for waking them up. Have them eat a healthy breakfast, say yes to the smoothies, multi-grain pancakes, oatmeal, and eggs their way. This is not the time to insist on a traditional meal from the home country. Keep them hydrated through the night with a water bottle designated just for your teen at their bedside.

Don’t go back to sleep after fajr – this is a great oppurtunity for family time. Read Quran together. It is one thing to tell your kids “Go read Quran” and quite another to read Quran to each other. They can also study at this time and do homework as well. This frees up the afternoons for dhikr, helping around the house, reading Quran and napping so your teenager is fresh for taraweeh.

Empower your children with information. When they are younger role-play with them so if friends ask them why they are fasting or if they are made fun of, they have some standard answers to give. For high school kids, have honest discussions about Ramadan, its virtues and its spiritual aspects; listen to or watch a lecture together.  They want their whys answered – so talk to them about the psychological aspects, about reflecting on their lives, about cleansing their spirit, about using this time to set up good habits for the rest of the  year.

Ask you teen to go to the library during lunch time or help out a teacher in class. Staying away from the cafeteria helps makes fasting easier.

Urge them to have a good attitude – “If you complain and say I am hungry – that’s just not good da'wah and frankly people don’t care or will urge you to eat.” Listening and sharing other Muslim youths’ stories on how they handle Ramadan in school can spark great dialogue between teens, their parents and siblings.

Teens want to see you “walk the walk not just talk the talk.” Organize an event with your teen, i.e. an interfaith iftar or initiate a recycling drive at the masjid. My friend N and her 17-year old daughter bond over long drives to the downtown Los Angeles to feed the homeless for Humanitarian Day.

Suggest your teen host a fast-a-thon and  donate the money to charity. I remember many non-Muslim dormies fascinated by the concept; who wanted to experience fasting. Hungry for Change is an interfaith initiative run by the Muslim Student Association, the fast-a-thon encourages non-Muslim students to fast for one day in the month of Ramadan. For each student who pledges to fast, local businesses make a donation. MSA students then donate the proceeds to a local food shelter or soup kitchen.

Bring them to the masjid - they might whine and not want to go but remember you are the parent. Once they are there, they meet friends, some they haven’t seen for the whole year. It is halal fun. A student of mine told me that the largest dance is held on the first Friday after her school starts. “If I go to the masjid instead of going to the dance, its halal fun, I won’t be bombarded with texts from school kids because they know I am at the masjid.” Even though it is unconventional, encourage this line of thinking, at this age, peer pressure is momentous. The idea is to make their moral compass swing back to Islam regardless of what is happening around them.

Let them invite their friends to the masjid. Many times, I have witnessed non-Muslim kids at our masjid experiencing what Ramadan is, first-hand. The young Muslims who invite them have the most wonderful look on their faces, an awesome pride often missing in Muslim youth.

The Muslim Council of Britain is very active; they issued guidelines about Ramadan based on parental concerns. Using these guidelines, Stoke-on-Trent city council has advised the Staffordshire schools not to hold swimming lessons in Ramadan and informed teachers that Muslim kids’ sleep schedules may be disrupted due to late taraweeh and early suhoor. Here in the U.S., Council of Islamic Organizations in the Greater Chicago has a resource guide on Muslim Cultural Education that parents can send in to their respective school districts. Committed parents and activism can bring about understanding and make your child’s Ramadan a positive and engaging experience even while attending public school.

“The best of you are those who learn the Quran and teach it to others.”

Despite this hadith being so familiar to most of us, I can not tell you how many times I have heard a Quran teacher being referred to in derogatory terms – in some Muslim countries they are treated like servants, worse that the children's nanny. If you don’t respect them personally than please respect the Kalam of Allah that they teach and give them honor based solely on the majesty of what they teach: the Quran.

The following is advice that Amir Al-Mu'mineen, Ali bin Abi Talib, may Allah be pleased with him, gave: “From the rights of the learned over you is that you do not ask too many questions, you do not divulge his secrets, you do not backbite about him to anyone, you do not look for error in him, if he made a mistake you accept his excuse. It is incumbent upon you to respect and magnify him as long as he keeps Allah's orders; you should not sit in front of him; if he has a need the people should race to serve him.”

In a hadith related by At-Tirmithi the Messenger of Allah, (saw) said, “He is not of us who does not respect our elderly, is merciful to our youth, and knows the rights of those who teach us.”

Quran lessons are a combination of effort on behalf of the children, the teachers and the parents. Many of us have played one of these roles, I have played all three. I feel many times the teacher, the child or the parent want to say the following things to each other but don't out of humility, cultural taboos, or just can't be bothered. Hope this will spark some very important conversations.

What a Quran teacher wishes s/he could say to the parents:

1. We are human beings and your child’s teachers, please accord us more respect or at least the same that you would give to you child’s secular teachers.
2. If you are paying us, please treat it like any other bill and pay us promptly – we would not charge for this noble cause unless our homes did not run on this money.
3. Please be punctual – value our time, especially when we teach without payment as it is usually time we take away from our own families.
4. Inform us in advance if you are canceling the class.
5. Have the students use the bathroom and make wudu before lesson time as valuable time is wasted.
6. Have your child dress appropriately for Quran class – the adab is head/satr covered, no faces or bad language on clothing.
7. Please teach your children to respect us – if you call us names at home they will internalize this attitude, too.
8. Revise the lesson at home especially if your child only comes a few times a week.
9. If we have moved them back from one lesson to another it is usually because they haven’t completely learned the skills in that particular lesson.
10. Don’t be offended or take it personally if your child is not performing well and we talk to you about it – we have their best interests at heart.
11. If you are unhappy about anything please talk to us without your child present – it weakens our authority when your child knows that you do not respect us.
12. Many parents question why the child is spending so much time on the “Qaidah” or “Yassarnal Quran.” Let the teacher spend the time required to learn the foundations, if the makharij are messed up then it takes a lot of work to fix them at a later stage.

Since I am not a hifidh teacher, I asked what one would say to parents: These are thoughts of a hifdh teacher:

1. Please don’t tell me how to do my job…Memorizing a few surahs is not the same as memorizing the whole Quran.
2. I am a teacher, not a miracle worker.
3. Don’t enforce your selfish expectations on your children. Accept them for who they are and I guarantee they will perform better.
4. Please do this for the sake of Allah and not as a status symbol. You're affecting your child’s education in ways you do not know.
5. Your child will not die because he has the sniffles…Don’t make him miss days unnecessarily.
6. If you don’t make sure they learn their lesson at night…..you can't expect them to become hafidh.
7. Do not make long term plans, they do not work…make short term realistic plans.
8. Please do exactly as I tell you, or else don’t blame me when things are not going well.
9. I love my students very much and we have a very deep bond…that is why I am hard on them; not because I have a bad temper.

What a child wishes s/he could tell their Quran teacher:

1. Please do not hit me if I do not know my lesson.
2. Smell good it is hard to learn when the teacher doesn’t smell good.
3. Tell me if I did a good job – it motivates me.
4. Please do not humiliate me in front of the whole class.
5. Urge me to read more even if I am being lazy, sometimes I just need an extra push.
6. Please do not take me back all the way to the beginning of the Qaidah or Quran if I have already done it – it is so discouraging – maybe you can review the past lessons AND give me new lessons too.
7. Tell me your rules upfront because every teacher is different and sometimes I may do something because my previous teachers let me.

To be fair and since I am a parent, I realize that there are all sorts of teachers – some good, some great and some…let's not go there. When looking for a person to teach Quran to your child check and make sure the teacher has proper tajweed. A good Quran teacher will not mind if you ask them to recite some verses to you or to someone who knows proper qiraat before choosing your child's teacher.  This shows that you are serious about your child's learning. Ask for references especially from parents in the locality. Ask if they teach individually or in a class format.

What a parent wishes the Quran teacher knew:

1. Please do not hit my child to enforce a lesson – they will start hating coming to your class and in turn have horrible memories associated with learning the beautiful book of Allah.
2. Please give my child proper attention and inculcate the love of Allah’s Book by being kind and gentle with them.
3. Keep us in the loop – let me know if my child is being rude or not performing properly.
4. As a parent I know my child better – please listen to our input about their learning styles or issues.
5. Encourage my child and reward him/her with positive feedback  especially when they did well or learnt their lesson properly.
6. Let us know in advance if you are canceling a class.
7. Please be sincere and do not treat this like a money-making scheme.

We would like to make a resource for our brothers and sisters looking for qualified Quran teachers for thier children. So if you have had a great teacher and would like to pay homage to them or refer a wonderful Quran teacher please leave their name or their school's name contact # ( with their permission) and location. May Allah (SWT) make it a sadaqah jahriah for you.

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With over 100,000 Muslim students in the UK now in higher education one would imagine that the future of Muslims in the UK, academically at least, would be extremely positive. Over the years the numbers of Muslim students attending university has rapidly progressed from a time when it was simply international students to a point now where the majority of Muslim students are British born and emerging as leaders of our communities. The importance of British Muslims who are able and willing to go to University cannot be understated.

Through education we are living those timeless teachings that we all know: “Read! In the name of your Lord”, “Are those equal, those who know and those who do not know?”, “Behold! in the creation of the heavens and the Earth, and the alternation of night and day, there are indeed signs for people who have understanding”. Education is at the heart of a change of condition and the fulfilment of a command; at an individual as well as a collective level.

Let us realise the particular immense value of higher education. Through educating our youth in Universities today we are insha’Allah planting a seed, where we will grow Muslims who are successful leaders, business people, academics, politicians, community leaders, scientists and so forth. We will insha’Allah through this develop individuals who are not only able to achieve and contribute from a level playing field in a country where many go to University, but who are also serious leaders able to tackle the challenges of our time and reform the world we live in.

The UK’s reputation for providing world-class higher education and facilities is clearly evident and is something that Muslim students have long been privileged with. That four out of the top 10 universities in the world were UK-based institutions, with Cambridge knocking off Harvard from the top spot for the first time since 2004, is telling. Moreover, there are thousands who seek to apply each year to the country’s top institutions. For Muslims in the UK, it has almost been taken for granted that we will naturally enter higher education.

However, this is where the good news stops. This could all change very quickly as government proposals seek to radically change the funding structures to higher education. As well as poorer communities, Muslim students in particular face being disproportionately affected by these proposals.

Amid the global financial crisis, universities in the UK face major cuts to teaching budgets and the former system of a maximum £3,290 per year tuition fee has been deemed unsustainable. Thus the UK’s coalition government last week announced proposals that universities could charge students £9,000 a year, meaning students studying a 3 year university course could end up with an average debt of at £25,000 – before even considering the cost of living at University. Of particular concern for Muslim students is that any student loans taken out to pay for the tuition fees would have to be paid with a market-rate of interest of 3% plus inflation. This differs to the current system where student-loan interest is linked to the rate of inflation.

These proposals are contrary to the pursuit of a fair and accessible education system and would increase social inequalities. The prospect of a £25,000 debt in university fees alone will not only serve to deter people from less advantaged backgrounds from applying to university, it will result in our highest quality institutions becoming financially ring-fenced, outside the reach of the majority of students.

Secondly, these proposed changes will have a devastating impact on Muslim and black and minority ethnic (BME) communities who are under-represented in Higher Education and already face a number of barriers towards participation. The encouragement of BME and Muslim participation in Higher Education is crucial, however, if enforced, these proposals will further discourage Muslim students, a significant number of whom are from deprived backgrounds, from continuing onto university.

Unlike the US, where high tuition fees are often subsidised by scholarships, the UK has only recently began charging students to enter into higher education, and as such, there are no effective systems or processes to ensure that the poor are not priced out of university. When one takes into consideration that the Muslim community is the poorest in the UK – nearly 50% of Pakistani and Bengali people in the UK are below the poverty line and are likely to earn less money than any other ethnic community – we can begin to see the dire ramifications of these new proposals.

Finally, this issue is compounded by the market rate of interest on student loans, the main form of “assistance” provided by the government. In the past there has been a discussion in the Muslim community as to whether such loans are permissible, as the interest due would be paid back at the rate of inflation. However, at a market rate of interest of 3% plus inflation this is the point-of-no-return for a number of Muslim students.

As responsible leaders we realise that this is an issue for communities around the UK; and in particular, we realise the impact on Muslim students. It is wrong for the poor to be priced out of education and face a debt of over £25,000 before even starting; education should be accessible to those able and willing, not just those that can afford it. And we realise that a market-rate of interest is no solution to rising debt-levels for students – interest is at the heart of social inequality and will only increase debt for all students. We cannot accept the door of higher education being shut to young Muslims.

Unless of course, we work hard to prevent these proposals from being passed.

The Federation of Student Islamic Societies has been working with a number of Muslim organisations, scholars, community leaders and the National Union of Students (NUS) to campaign against the proposals. The response has been fantastic, and in collaboration with the Muslim Council of Britain, we disseminated a khutbah to a number of Masaajid and university Islamic Societies on the topic.

We have had phenomenal support from a number of scholars and community leaders, including Abu Eesa Niamatullah, who realise the significance of these proposals and the negative impact this will have on the Muslim community. The response from Islamic Societies has been equally impressive and in conjunction with FOSIS, many Islamic Societies have signed a joint statement expressing concern with the HE funding review. FOSIS have also been working closely with the NUS, highlighting the issue to raise concerns with MPs, and worked to get as many students to attend a national demonstration that took place on 10th November 2010 in Central London.

We will continue to publicise the issue and work to campaign on behalf of Muslim students. We were interviewed by BBC News, and we hope that this is just the start, but we need your support!

What can you do?

It is vital that the Muslim community takes an active role in opposing these proposals and here are ways to get involved:

• Lobby your local MP, particularly Liberal Democrat MPs who were looking to scrap tuition fees altogether before the general election
• Raise awareness locally about the issue – for example, for a copy of the khutbah on education and higher education for Muslims please contact us (see below) – add this article to your Facebook or post-up Abu Eesa’s video
• If you are a local institution or mosque please sign our statement (email to below)
• Contact FOSIS and get involved in some of the initiatives we are running: vp.studentaffairs[@]fosis.org.uk