Dr. O blogs at Muslim Medicine, a site that strives to serve only the freshest grade-A certified ẓabiḥah ḥalāl comedy. Contact your local ḥalāl butcher for more details..

Back in the olden days, it was a much simpler time.

Every Friday morning would be a bright and wondrous journey to the local masjid for Muslims, all of whom would strap on their worn-out footwear and proudly travel by foot – and with every step they'd take, such a profound blessing would be levied upon them.

As communities grew and expanded outward, Muslims found themselves too far from the masjid to simply walk there, and out of necessity they began to develop cutting-edge technological advancements in transportation.

Due to perpetual stereotyping, Muslims began researching alternate forms of transportation, and began to utilize actual machines instead of animal-based modes of transport. Their dear love for animals, however, was still incorporated into their usual travel habits:

But then history took an unexpected turn, and suddenly… Muslims discovered the car. An oil-powered motorized carriage that soon became a dream come true for everyone, especially lazy Muslims who lived miles away.

But shortly after this discovery, the widespread use of the car had untold implications on the historic and iconic journey to the masjid for Jumu'ah, and a vicious disease known as Masjid Parking Syndrome began to spread through the entire ummah faster than acute-onset Bieber Fever spreading through hormonally-repressed pre-teen girls.

Masjid Parking Syndrome (MPS): a long-term chronic disease of the Muslim body whereupon automobile driving and parking skills rapidly deteriorate when attempting to travel to and park near an Islamic facility.

A classic example of the disease presentation is shown below:

Masjid Parking Syndrome is an extremely widespread disease, found to be contagious amongst entire Muslim communities who reside in areas of the world where cars are the primary mode of transportation.

The disease is mainly found in suburban masājid with small parking lots, but is compounded to horrific levels in inner-city masājid, where every Friday afternoon the very city streets fall prey to a swarm of parking space-hungry Muslims hunting for a spot to show off their cringe-worthy “gracefulness” at parallel parking:

Now, we know what you're thinking – “how do I know if I'm at risk for developing this disease?!” Well, if you're already driving your car with the same level of coordination as a blind-folded giraffe wearing roller-skates, then being at risk for parking ridiculously at the masjid is probably the least of your worries.

But if you consider yourself a decent driver, then MuslimMatters has compiled a few risk factor charts that may come in handy for you.

As you can see, the bigger the attendance level, the fewer the parking spot availabilities, and the more desperate Muslim drivers get. And if you think that's bad? One of the biggest risk factors is tardiness. Muslims are almost always perpetually late to pretty much everything, and Jumu'ah is no exception:

The actual symptoms of Masjid Parking Disorder are fairly easy to catch. You simply show up for Jumu'ah or 'Īd ṣalāh and you should almost naturally be welcomed by horrific scenes of the worst parking jobs imaginable. As we noted clearly above, the later you arrive to the masjid, the more extreme the parking symptoms become:

While the disease is not fatal to the patient, it is extremely harmful to surrounding bystanders, damaging to other vehicles, and profoundly irritating to all other masjid attendees who are tortured by constant interruptions from the masjid board members:

How do you even treat a disease this deeply rooted in our community? Unfortunately… no complete cure currently exists for Masjid Parking Syndrome. Some Muslim physicians have suggested prevention as the best form of halting the spread of this syndrome, and have gone so far as to even start patients on more natural treatment regiments that return us to our roots, such as riding camels to Jumu'ah:

The treatment seemed to go well at first, but the reaction of the camels, however, was rather unexpected:

Prevention is always the best means of treatment, and for this rather unfortunate affliction in our community, a reminder of the sheer brilliance of the blessings showered upon those who arrive early to Jumu'ah is brought to mind:

Abu Hurayrah narrated that the Messenger of Allāh said: “Whoever does ghusl on Friday like ghusl for janābah, then goes to the prayer (in the first hour, i.e., early), it is as if he sacrificed a camel. Whoever goes in the second hour, it is as if he sacrificed a cow; whoever goes in the third hour, it is as if he sacrificed a horned ram; whoever goes in the fourth hour, it is as if he sacrificed a hen; and whoever goes in the fifth hour it is as if he offered an egg. When the imam comes out, the angels come to listen to the khuṭbah.” Al-Bukhāri (814) and Muslim (850)

Jumu'ah isn't an event that suddenly pops out of nowhere for us, so it's best to prepare for it in advance every week to take full advantage of its blessings, and avoid the usual rush of Muslims arriving late for it and resorting to parking violations just to attend. Also, it's pretty obvious that the Jumu'ah rush takes a huge toll on the patience of the neighbors surrounding the masjid, and proper adab for a Muslim community is to follow the example of the Rasūl and respect the property and space of neighbors to the House of Allāh .

Parking may seem like something trivial to most Muslims, but Islam places such a big emphasis on the manner and timing of our arrival to Jumu'ah, so we should pay the same respect to that too. Follow in the footsteps of our great ṣaḥābah and our Prophet , and park a little farther from the masjid to reap the rewards of every step taken towards His House.

When I was in college, some of my Southern friends would occasionally comment on how crazy the drivers in New York City are (me included, I assumed). “Silly country boys with your 'hospitality' and dirt roads,” I would think to myself, “learn to drive in a real city!” It wasn’t long after moving to Egypt that my urban arrogance came back to bite me.

“Did he just do that?!?”

Driving in Egypt is not “safe.”  The modus operandi on the road, so far as I can tell, is to try and out-crazy the drivers on either side of you. It’s as if the whole nation learned how to drive from New York cabbies (I know what you’re thinking, and shame on you – stop perpetuating the stereotype, people).

As dangerous as the regular drivers are, there’s a special level of obscenity reserved for the taxis and dollar cabs (minibuses) here. Since each of these vehicles is seemingly equipped to run on only two speeds – fast and ridiculous – you can imagine the maneuvers that take place…oohhh the maneuvers.

It’s not uncommon to see my man in the far right lane cutting across three cars to make a left turn. Nor is it surprising when el hajj going the wrong way down a one-way street makes a u-turn to go the wrong way up the other side. 3aadi ya3ni.

Were that these indiscretions left only the drivers at risk.

Look both ways (and make tawba) before crossing the street

Walking in Egypt is not “safe.” The perils of Egyptian driving, unfortunately, touch pedestrians as well – often, literally. Between the tight roadways and virtually non-existent walkways (sidewalks are for sissy Americans), it’s best to, as my high school football coach advised, always keep your head on a swivel. You never know when a car, minibus, big bus, linebacker, or donkey is going to blindside you.

As much as possible, too, one should just pick a side of the street and stay on it. It’s either that or engage in a high stakes game of live action Frogger. Here, the notion of pedestrian “right of way” is replaced with “(get) right (the heck out) of (my) way (you #&@!%).”

Despite all these hazards, Egyptians seem to manage just fine. For you non-Egyptians planning to visit Masr, however, here are a few more things to keep in mind for the sake of your safety (and sanity):

If you have to ask, you’re not from around here

“Why do Egyptians honk the horn when there's no one in front of them? And why don’t they stay in their lane?!? And for that matter, why do two-lane roadways fit three cars across?!?!?”

These are some of the perplexing questions I often pose to my Egyptian friends and family. To which they shrug and reply, “Because this is Egypt.”

“Silly American with your 'regulations' and efficient highway system,” I imagine they think to themselves when I bring up these grievances, “learn to drive in a real city!”

Fair enough. For my part though, I wonder whether everyone wouldn’t be better off if we just gave in to the stereotype and reverted to camel-based transportation. I do hear they get great mileage.

***

For some more tips on how to get around Egypt (that are a bit less tongue-in-cheek), check out this brief guide.

Safe travels!

Nevertheless, we all know the reward of being a parent and the struggles we have to go through, may Allāh purify our intentions and accept it from all of us.

Enjoy while you have this job!

PARENT- Job Description

POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging,
permanent work in an
often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
pack mule
and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from
the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this!   You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
of the assumption that college will help them
become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more..

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered;
this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love,
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

AND A FOOTNOTE 'THERE IS NO RETIREMENT   —  EVER!!!

Source: An Ann Landers column “Parenthood is not a job for the weak at heart”

But now, I am forced to make such a confession. I have given the matter great thought, and have realized there is no way forward unless I break clean of my past. And if I do so, I am not the first, nor shall I be the last, to make such a claim. Many great scholars in our tradition have gone through phases of their life, realizing later on that they followed an incorrect system in an earlier stage.

It is an open secret that there are two great traditions in our times competing with one another. Each of these two systems claims to be better and more perfect. Each one claims to be older, or more 'orthodox'. Each one claims to have large numbers of followers. Each one presents an entire methodology – a holistic framework from which all other programs of one's life should spring forth. Each one is eager for converts, critiquing the other tradition with utmost contempt (sometimes with very cheap and underhand tactics – as bloggers know all too well).

It is obvious that both of these systems cannot simultaneously be true in all that they say. One of the two MUST be the more correct and better.

For many years of my life, (in fact for ALL of the years that I have been of age), I had been an ardent follower of what I thought was the only system. As a young teenager, I never even knew that people followed other methodologies, and the first time I was exposed to the other system I truly found it incomprehensible. It seemed too difficult to follow, too 'strange' and exotic. As I grew older, and learnt more about both systems, initially my faith in my own tradition grew stronger and stronger. It is actually ironic that I wrote many works, books and treatises in its framework. In many public and private gatherings, I had defended my own preferred methodology and mocked the other.

It is true that many people tried to convert me, and initially I rebuffed them quite easily. But as these efforts increased in earnestness, and I found close friends of mine, people whom I truly looked up to, convert one by one, I felt the seeds of doubt grow within me. Perhaps my system was not the best? Perhaps the framework that I had initially been led to believe was the truest and most perfect was not actually so?

One by one, those whom I admired began to drop their 'old school' affiliations and change boat. I was truly shocked – my very foundations shaken. Eventually, not a single friend of mine who specialized in the field still  remained with me in the old camp. When the final person in my circle of friends converted, it was the last straw.

So I decided to take time out of my other projects, and do some research. After all, this was not a trivial matter, it was an entire methodology of operation. Taking a deep breath putting aside all my previous prejudices, with a pure and unbiased heart, I began to read. And read, read and read. History, works of methodology, testimonies from converts, and even biographies of the founders of these schools. And that was when I realized that I had been wrong all along.

Reading the material that I read, it dawned upon me that the more orthodox of  the two methodologies was NOT, in fact, my current one. Rather, it was quite clear that the other system was older, and that mine was but a cheap attempt at imitation. It was also clear to me that my own system, unlike the other one, was full of mistakes – mistakes that I had tried to ignore or brush aside, but existed nonetheless. The other system attracted all the high-profile converts; surely there was a reason for this?

In the end of the day, the evidence spoke for itself. I decided to cast aside my old prejudices, and at least try the new methodology for a while. Until one experiences certain 'realities', book knowledge alone will never be sufficient. So, gathering whatever courage I could, I went ahead and took the plunge. For a full week, I immersed myself in a new and fascinating world. I discovered matters that cannot even be expressed in words. The simplicity, elegance and profundity of it all truly blew me away. It was, in all senses of the term, a truly mystical experience compared to my previous ones.

That week is over now, and I cannot remain quite any longer. I too have converted, and this conversion must be made public. This is the truth, and it shall set me free.

I hereby renounce any affiliations I previously had with the PC, and am now a die-hard Mac fan.

THE CURRENT ECONOMIC CRISIS EXPLAINED

Pajja is the proprietor of a Siri-Paya and Nehari Shop (a beef stew dish) in Lahore. Sales are low and, in order to increase them, he comes up with a plan to allow his customers to eat now and pay later. He keeps track of the meals consumed on a ledger.

Word gets around and as a result increasing numbers of customers flock to Pajja's shop. Pajja's suppliers are delighted and are very willing to sell more and more raw materials for the meals he prepares. Pajja shows them his ledger of receivables and they extend him credit.

A young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and gives Pajja a credit line and then increases Pajja's borrowing limit.

Taking advantage of his customers' freedom from immediate payment constraints, Pajja jacks up the prices of his Nehari and Siri-Paye. Customers don't mind as they are not required to pay on the spot. Sales volume increases massively; Banks and suppliers lend more; Pajja opens more outlets. He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the customers as collateral.

These securities are then listed on the Stock Exchange and traded on markets worldwide. No one really understands what the names mean and how the securities are guaranteed but, nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the securities become top-selling items.

One day, although the prices are still climbing, a credit risk manager of the bank decides that the time has come to demand payment of one of the debts incurred by Pajja. Pajja in turn asks his clients to pay up. One by one they refuse; the clients cannot pay back the debts. Pajja refuses to serve them any more. The clients stop coming.

Pajja is really in deep trouble now. He cannot fulfill his loan obligations and therefore claims bankruptcy. All Bonds drop in price by between 80 to 95%.

The suppliers of Pajja, having granted generous payment due dates and having invested in the securities are faced with similar problems. The meat supplier defaults on payment to the sheep and cattle supplier and claims bankruptcy. The atta (flour) supplier is taken over by a competitor; Pajja lays off the cook and staff. Bankruptcies soar, unemployment mushrooms.

The bank that lent the money in the first place is set to collapse. It is saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock consultations by leaders from the governing political parties with Pajja commuting back and forth in his Executive jet and Mercedes 500SEL, brokering the deal.

The funds required to save the economic collapse are obtained by a tax levied on the citizens, most of whom do not eat Nehari or Siri-paye.

That's the reason……………………