It is the extreme, sensational cases that make it to the front pages of the newspaper. We were all horrified when we heard of Nazish Noorani, a young mother killed by her abusive husband. What we don't hear are the voices of the abused behind the closed doors of many homes across social, economic, ethnic, racial and gender lines. They exist in our community just as they exist in the non-Muslim communities. We see these men in our masjids, their wives suffering in silence at our picnics and our dinner parties. Domestic violence is, again, a human problem, much like sexual harassment.

By definition, domestic violence is a pattern of abuse – physical, sexual, financial, spiritual, emotional and verbal, including disparagement, blame, being ostracized, isolated and condemned. Domestic violence can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner. Not one incident but a pattern.   Men are victims too, 835,000 a year in the US alone, of physical, emotional and financial abuse.

Many cultures think it is the man's God-given right to hit a woman. According to Change from within: Muslim perspectives about Domestic Violence, even the term Domestic Violence is looked upon as suspect by many Muslims because it is reminiscent of “western feminists ideals and doesn't occur in traditional Islamic texts”. Another reason that many do not publicly bring this issue up is because it re-enforces the stereotype that Islam is a violent religion. Others do not want to pry into 'private lives' except to tsk tsk over the plight of another.

In abusive situations where women are the victims, the ones who do gather the courage to tell are told by their families to go back to their abusers for the sake of family, honor, name, children, to be patient and forgive her spouse after the abuse.  Cultural narratives often define why many women do not seek help – i.e. thinking that your husband is Majazi Khuda, a metaphorical God – especially in the South Asian culture.  What is that? That is not Islam. That is Jahiliyyah (ignorance). Growing up, I heard that term, on the television as well as socially, enough times to think that it was a part of the dīn. So to me, it is not surprising that 85% of the women who did seek shelter in the U.S. from abusive marriages were immigrants (according to a survey of shelters by Peaceful Families project.) But this could also be because they could not afford to fly back to their countries of origin or did not have the same support system that indigenous Muslims may have.

Not all Muslim men who abuse their wives do it because they believe it is their Islamic right – many are not religious nor do they think religion is part of the equation.  What is especially troubling is when men who are aspiring to piety and learning about the dīn, engage in violence at home and think it is justified in the religion. These attitudes are disseminated by preachers who spew misogynistic statements like some women can only be controlled through striking or telling men that their wives are dirty beings from the dunya. They make religion hell for women and anyone who speaks out against this is deemed anti-Islamic. How do you think a man will act when he goes home after listening to one of these sermons?  We need to think. People are leaving the religion because of how some Muslims treat women, using 'Islam' as a weapon.

Have you ever heard in the sīrah of the Prophet (ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam), the Mercy to the World, that he ever struck anyone, wife, child, servant, ever? If you aspire to follow his Sunnah, be a husband like him. He was the living embodiment of the Qur'ān. We also know that this issue is dealt in Islam under the broader umbrella of prohibition of oppression and abuse. Allāh hates oppression, so we should hold on to our spouses in goodness, lifting each other spiritually or let them go.

We learn from our shuyūkh, who learned from scholars who have given up their lives for the dīn, sacrificing 20 or more years before making tafsīr of the Qur'ān, that laymen, both Muslim and non-Muslim, who bring up the verses in the Qur'ān suggesting that Islam condones domestic violence, need a reality check.  Ibn Ashur, the Grand Mufti of the Zaytuna in Tunisia in his tafsīr (Tafsīr al-Tahrir wa al-Tanwir) says that men should be punished by authorities when they have lost control of their hawwas and hit their wives, when they commit domestic violence, when they use a verse from the Qur'ān as a means to justify their anger, their rage. According to Ibn Ashur, it is the greatest irony that the verse in the Qur'ān  which came down to eliminate domestic violence is used to propagate domestic violence.

Renowned scholars say that any woman who is suffering from domestic abuse should go to the proper authorities and report her husband because he is committing a sin. If the Muslims won't help her then she can go to anybody else who will grant her sanctuary.  In our dīn, even animals have rights and no one can humiliate or torture them so what about the daughters of Adam, the best of creation?

What should we do as a community?

We need to ask ourselves: do we know what to do if we are faced with such a situation?

What would we do personally if someone who was in an abusive relationship ever approached us for help? How can we be resources to our abused sisters? One of the many things that you can do is join our Khutbah about Domestic Violence Drive – commit your local masjid or mussalla Friday khuṭbah to this topic to spread awareness and start discussions in our communities. Conversations need to take place at the community level urging counseling, psychological and spiritual, for abusers and the abused.

We need to ask ourselves: do our masājid have counselors or ties to domestic violence shelters? For example, in a survey conducted by Peaceful Families most DV shelters have on average 35 mosques in the vicinity but only 12% have any ties to the shelter. Only 6% of imams have any domestic violence training.

We need preachers like Imam Khalid Latif, Shaykh Hamza Yusuf, Shaykh Yasir Qadhi, Imam Zaid Shakir, Maulana Tariq Jameel, and Shaykh Abdullah Hasan, Brother Dawud Walid who frequently speak about this topic and have the knowledge to address this issue. Our own Shaykh Yahya has a post coming soon on the Sunnahs of Love. (Click on the links to hear their views on domestic violence and how to treat your spouses).

We need parents who raise sons who know how to treat women like the Prophet Muḥammad (ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam) treated the women in his family and teach our daughters to model that tranquility in their own relationships. We need teachers and counselors who can talk to young men and women about how to manage their relationships in ways that please our Creator and who teach young women to respect themselves and recognize signs of abuse. We need doctors and lawyers in our communities who can speak and educate their patients and clients. We need safe homes in our communities where victims/survivors can go. We need unique solutions that include community-based accountability because we cannot always rely on the police because of the anti-immigrant, anti-Muslim and racist policies practiced by the authorities.

We cannot let traumatized men and women suffer in silence wondering: Who would speak to me, for me?  This is our tradition; this our duty.

Interview with Umm Yousef, a survivor and DV advocate

Researchers who have interviewed hundreds of abusers say that it is all about control. In this video, the abuser say that he would plan out exactly how he would treat his family seconds or hours before the incident. Many people who are not in an abusive relationship question why victims don't leave, blaming the victim instead of the perpetrator.

Hope is one of the most common factors that experts see. Many women feel like they would be sinning if they leave. Dependency is another major factor. To find out more about this from a personal view, I interviewed Umm Yousef, who had the courage to leave her abusive marriage. She found shelter in My Sister's House and urges you to support their work.

[Hena Zuberi]:  Many people ask, why don't women leave or why do they keep going back to men who abuse them? What would you say to them?

[Umm Yousef]:  On average, it takes women seven tries to leave an abusive husband. In a way, I am lucky because I did it on the third try, but not before getting back together with my ex and making a baby. To understand why women go back, one has to understand and be aware of many factors including the very nature of the cycle of abuse, the effect of brainwashing, traumatic bonding (also known as Stockholm Syndrome) and the possibility of there having been inter-generational violence (i.e., abuse in a woman's family of origin.)

Another huge reason for staying is fear. One aspect of that fear, in addition to fear of the unknown, relates to the studies that have shown time and again that THE MOST dangerous time for a woman is when she attempts to leave the abuser. Oprah did a show at one point encouraging women in DV relationships to take the threat assessment test that is used to access the threat level to elected officials. To counteract his loss of power and control over the woman, an abuser usually escalates the aggression and abuse, at times to the point of death or serious injury.

Ultimately, if a woman is contemplating leaving an abuser the most important thing is to have two kinds of plans:  an emergency plan if it gets out of hand before the victim is really “ready” and a more long term plan for stability. In one online forum I visited, women had whole bank accounts set aside for leaving their ex, were scoping out apartments, and planning their restraining orders. While this would give a woman the best chance of staying “out” of the relationship by making as clean of a break as possible, there are always those situations where a woman has to leave in the middle of the night with just the clothes on her back and her shoeless children. And that is where emergency DV shelters, friends and family play a vital role.

It bears mentioning that some of the other reasons women choose to stay in an abusive relationship can also include a partner's promise to reform, shame, concern for her children, lack of support, exhaustion, gender-role conditioning, economic concerns, practicalities of the situation, feelings and personal beliefs.

When it is put that way sometimes it can put it in perspective and instead of the oft heard “why did you stay?” more people will be able to understand and empathize with how insurmountable an obstacle it seemed for her to leave. Even now, almost a year later, I still have the occasional desire to go back because it is familiar, and, as the saying goes, the devil that you know…

[HZ]:  Psychologically, how have you been impacted by the abuse? Do you see changes in yourself after getting out of the situation?

[UY]:  I think the biggest impact the abuse had on me was on my self-esteem and sense of self-worth. Secondarily would be the effect it has had on my children and my ability to bond and be a loving mother. I sincerely believe that the abuse exacerbated the post-partum depressions I had with all three of my pregnancies. After 10 years of emotional, physical, financial, and spiritual abuse I attempted suicide at the end of 2010. For many months during my initial attempt at divorce and after I separated for good I experienced anxiety and panic attacks. I have seen multiple therapists and counselors, social workers, psychiatrists, etc, including two marriage and family therapists and a trauma psychologist. Basically, what I have heard time and time again is that while I am “out” in the sense that I am no longer living with him it is far from over. Healing will take time, and in effect, because we have children together, I will never get completely free from the abuse. He will always have a link to me through our kids and will exercise that bit of power and control, continuing to use me as a target for his anger and aggression, from time to time.

[HZ]:  How prevalent is DV in marriages between American converts and men from overseas?

[UY]:  Unfortunately, from what I have seen, pretty frequent. I think this stems from a lack of proper understanding of Islam, lack of knowledge of a woman's rights and a husband's responsibilities, and a lack of guidance and support for new sisters. A Muslim man who comes to the USA, sometimes solely for the Green card, can get away with a lot more marrying a new Muslim whereas many things she may believe, or not even know to ask about would not be tolerated in an “Islamic” culture. An American woman's idea of “feminism” also allows a man to take advantage of her financially for sure. I think mixed cultural marriages are more likely to be solid if they are built on a foundation of deep knowledge and understanding of the religion and a desire to implement its precepts. Unfortunately, I am the first to admit I did not do enough knowledge seeking before taking my shahādah, and as the years progressed and I came to know details of the religion, strengthened myself as a Muslim and began insisting on my rights, my marriage also got rockier.

[HZ]:  How would you explain the feeling of being abused to a person who has never suffered it himself/herself?

[UY]:  The best explanation or metaphor that I came across over the last few years after I came to understand that what I had experienced in my marriage was, in fact, abuse was a YouTube PSA (public service announcement) that shows a woman slowly struggling and drowning in a tank of water, and just as she is about to drown the water gushes out and she gets a moment of relief, only to have the tank start filling up again. That is how the cycle of abuse works and feels. In fact, women who have been in abusive relationships for a long period of time learn how to “relieve the tension” as it were and trigger the abuse in order to get that sense of relief, and they also of course try to prolong the period of calm after the storm. In this way women try their best to modify and change their own behaviors in an effort to better survive in the only way they know how, to live with and around the abuse, and to live through each incident.

[HZ]:  As a survivor, what advice can you give other women in similar situations?

[UY]:  Every woman is a survivor, the ones in their marriages and relationships, and the single divorcees. Every day women survive. The more important signpost I can place in front of a woman is not survival; it is the ability to thrive. If a woman is merely hanging onto each day, then that is not a self-loving way to be, so I can only suggest that each woman take a long hard look at her unique situation and experiences and see if she can find a way to thrive in her own way. Ultimately each woman has to make the decision to leave and make it work or stay and make it work for her. No one can tell her what the best thing to do is, and she knows her abuser more intimately than anyone else ever will, and only she can know how safe it is to do either of those actions.

One more thing I would have to add that is of increased concern for an American convert to Islam is the issue of dual nationality and dual citizenship for children born in the USA. Parental rights are strongly in favor of the man in Islamic countries and none of the so-called Muslim countries are signatories on the Hague convention, an international convention that attempts to prevent and aid in the persecution and return of abducted children. Converts married to dual citizenship men should be especially aware and mindful of this point because while abduction out of the state can be devastating, often international child abduction can be nearly forever.

Resources
Turning Point (New York)
Muslimat Al- Nisaa Baltimore, MD
Project Sakinah
UK

Nour Domestic Violence (London)

Texas

AnNisa Hope Center (http://www.annisahopecenter.com/index.html)
Daya: Serving Families in Crisis (http://www.dayahouston.org/resources.php)
Houston Area Women's Center (http://www.hawc.org)

California

Niswa Los Angeles
Muslim women's shelter in the Bay Area, CA: http://asknisa.org/

Illinois
Apna Ghar
Hamdard Center

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Here is an updated list of Muslim organizations in the US on the Peaceful Families website.
Please add resources from your locality – we will add them to the list.

Recall Jane Austen’s book Pride and Prejudice: the picture-perfect scenery of Longbourn, and the inculpable longings of young girls wanting to be spotted by a suitable betroth, not to start premarital relations, but to be proposed to for marriage. Whether one was born in the '70s or the '90s, almost everyone remembers Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy in a love story set in 1800s, but still popular even today. And even if one has any “religious” objections to the book, one can't deny that the novel remains a morally refined piece of writing.

I must confess that I was one of those young girls who fantasized about the intelligent and confident Elizabeth, and the gentleman Mr. Darcy, whose confidence was often misunderstood for haughtiness. I had my fair share of “Awww moments”, especially whenever Mr. Darcy made an effort to engage in a conversation with Elizabeth. However, throughout the book, the author never mentions any sensual immorality, nor does she make even a remote effort to insert physical contact between the characters who fall in love with each other. In fact, in many instances, even the details of Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy's communications are not mentioned, ostensibly so as not to corrupt a young reader’s mind.

Now let’s fast forward to the present time and take a look at one of the most popular love stories of our era, the Twilight Saga. Not long ago, I remember not giving my daughter permission to read the book. But as we all know, when you stop a kid from doing something, it only makes them want to do it more! So, she started reading it secretly, but soon felt the urge to confess after reading a few pages.  Alhamdulillah, for the fact that she cannot keep secrets from me. As a reward for her owning up to it, I rewarded her by giving her permission to read the book online, based on my awareness of the book as just a vampire story. Normally, I would read the book myself first or ask trustworthy sources about it, however, due to some other pressing matters, I didn't do my homework in this case.

When the next book in the Twilight Saga called Full Moon hit the bookstores, I skimmed through it first. And I didn’t have to go beyond the second chapter, before I realized my mistake of allowing my daughter to read the first book. And alhamdulillah that she stopped at that.

Allow me to explain what I mean in the words of a young Muslim girl (college freshman), who described the series in the following sentence,

Twilight series is nothing more than sex and sexual interaction between a human and a vampire!

Before I proceed, let me bring the readers’ attention to the fact that once most girls reach around 10 years of age, their feelings towards the opposite gender start changing noticeably. Boys start becoming less gross, and so does their “ickiness” factor. Suddenly boys appear cuter and nicer. Similar feelings emerge in boys as well about girls, but at a later age than girls.

These emotions are inevitable and quite natural. It would be almost abnormal to not develop any liking for the opposite gender; if not in preteen years, then definitely in teenage years. I’ve been through it, my friends have been through it, many young teens that confide in me have been through it (or are going through it now). Parents who think that their children don't go through such a phase need to pull their heads out of the sand.

So, as a tangent, some points of benefit:

1. Know that your child will go through this stage.
2. Build a very friendly and trusting relationship with your child BEFORE they get to this stage (I discussed this in more details in parenting articles that will be published soon insha'Allah).
3. Minimize and control the factors that will lead innocent crushes to the next step
4. Let them breathe: allow room for mistakes. After all, remember, your kids are still humans.

Let’s get acquainted with the fact that occasional adoring of the opposite gender, also known as a “crush/puppy love”, is not wrong in itself, but to let the liking loose and to dwell in those thoughts may lead to questionable feelings or even actions. It is given that forbidding our youngsters from having crushes will only lead them to hide their true feelings from their parents; it is far wiser that parents focus on minimizing a simple innocent crush from progressing to the next step, rather than trying to suppress a natural feeling.

There are a number of factors that contribute toward developing, encouraging, and even accommodating a crush to the next step. Let’s not overlook that other than the weakness of our own nafs and giving into the waswas (whispers) from shaytan, our environment and society equally, if not more, contribute towards our culpable actions.

Within this environment, are the books and the literature that revolve around gender interaction, those that explicitly describe the development of a crush, provocation to take it to the next step, seed in ideas of how it can be done, and finally instigate the young minds to indulge more physically with the opposite gender, describing the details of physical relations between couples!

It is quite distressing to know that many parents do not filter the books that their children read, and undermine the potentially dangerous impact of literature on young growing minds. We are no longer living in the times of literature like Pride & Prejudice or Sense & Sensibility. Unfortunately, in our times, teenage-targeted books are becoming an outlet for “soft-porn” literature. A prime example is the following passage from the New Moon:

Edward seemed perfectly content to hold me in his arms, his fingers tracing my face again and again. I touched his face, too. I couldn’t stop myself; though I was afraid it would hurt me later, when I was alone again. He continued to kiss my hair, my forehead, my wrists…but never my lips, and that was good.

He caught my hand securely between his iron hands, ignoring my struggles when I tried to turn my head away. “Please don’t,” I whispered. He stopped, his lips just half an inch from mine. “Why not?” He demanded. His breath blew into my face, making my head whirl. [After a confession of loving her forever and ever]…

His mouth was on mine then, and I couldn’t fight him. Not because he was so many thousand times stronger than me, but because my will crumbled into dust the second our lips met. This kiss was not quite as careful as others I remembered, which suited me just fine. If I was going to rip myself up further, I might as well get as much in trade as possible. So I kissed him back, my heart pounding out a jagged, disjointed rhythm while my breathing turned to panting and my fingers moved greedily to his face. I could feel his marble body against every line of mine, and I was so glad he hadn’t listened to me—there was no pain in this world that would have justified missing this. His hands memorized my face, the same way mine were tracing his, and, in the brief seconds when his lips were free, he whispered my name.

When I was starting to get dizzy, he pulled away, only to lay his ear against my heart. I lay there, dazed, waiting for my gasping to slow and quiet. (New Moon, p. 511-12)

I cannot quote all the similar passages from the twilight book series, because there are many. Suffice to say, this series is full of erotic interaction between Bella and Edward with the side theme of the war of vampires. What will happen when a young girl is exposed to such sensual text? Will it not entice her sexual emotions, arouse her carnal desires challenging her with the fitan of the opposite gender? If a married woman reads such content, at least she has an outlet to satisfy her desires; but what will happen to a young girl who is already challenged with hormonal changes, who has no husband but unfortunately, has many outlets in the lewd society of our times to give in and experience what she reads?

I had once discouraged one of the mothers from allowing her daughter, 13, to read this series. Although, the mother had provided a strong Islamic upbringing for her daughter, unfortunately, she didn’t see eye to eye with me on this issue. Later, her daughter developed an internet relationship with a non-Muslim boy (who I believe was really a much older pedophile). She communicated in a way that no Muslim parent would want for their daughter or son. To make the long story short, when I spoke to the girl, she especially emphasized the dangers of reading books like the Twilight series and how it is different from watching a movie with indecent scenes. In her own words,

When you see such things, you only see what is playing on the screen, but when you read about such sensual engaging, you are free to imagine however you want to imagine it. When you watch a kissing scene or something like that, you don’t know the feelings, but the books go into describing the change of emotions and the feelings of the girl when a boy looks at her, tries to touch her, or holds her hand, or when he grabs her to kiss her; you can read how she feels and what goes through her mind, and then you want to experience those feelings!

Yet another college student wasn't very pleased when her mother allowed her younger sister, 11, to read the series. She read her sister’s diary, and was telling me the changes it caused in her sister’s way of perceiving the boys. She said,

Once she started reading Twilight, all of a sudden her baby crushes changed from, “I think he is cute” to “I wonder how his lips would feel!”

I cannot describe the sadness I feel when I find our young tweens and preteens facing such situations while their parents are totally negligent of the dangers of such literature. My article maybe too late for many parents, but I’m sure there are many who may still benefit from this warning, insha'Allah.

At the same time, I do realize that it is not so easy to stop teenagers from doing what they want to, especially when there is a lot of peer pressure. This book is perhaps one of the most popular reads in our time, and anyone who hasn't read it, remains “so out of it”. So how can parents convince their daughters not to read such novels? How can parents highlight to their kids the dangers of such literature that they can foresee? Many parents may forbid their children from reading the series, but how can they ensure that their children will not read it secretly?

My advice to the parents is to:

1. Know and embrace your role as a parent.
2. Develop a VERY friendly relationship with your children from an early age.
3. Monitor their activities.
4. Communicate. I am very liberal when it comes to the topics of communication between a mother and her children. And I firmly believe that a mother’s relationship with her child should be of the nature that even if a child has a crush, he/she should be able to share it with his/her mother.
5. Be wise. The mother’s role is to know her child inside out and to provide guidance and help to steer their thoughts in a positive direction without getting on their nerves or sounding like a dictator (which is the harder part and I am still learning!).
6. Be firm. As much as I encourage giving space to the children, I equally advise holding firmly to the reigns.
7. Be a step ahead of your child.
8. Be patient and make du’a.

Lastly, when banning certain books or movies, make sure:

1. Talk to your children and layout the reasons why you want to ban the book.
2. Give them space to refute, listen to them and re-emphasize your points of objection.
3. Acknowledging to them that staying away from books/movies that are popular amongst their friends is not an easy task and requires a lot of courage, and you believe in their courage and strength.
4. Appreciate them for obeying you.
5. Be proud of them and show it both in words and actions.
6. Reward them.
7. Replace it with other books or activities. Consider the “classics” section of the library.
8. Make du’a for them in front of them and especially behind them.
9. Be prepared for slips. Even after taking all your precautions and adopting the best parenting techniques, know that you are not raising angels and they will, once in a while, give in to their temptations. As long as they are remorseful, do not be heartbroken and do not give up on your children.

Nevertheless, the struggles of the parenting continue. As much as I feel for our children, I do not have many alternatives to Twilight to offer them. How I wish we had more literature available with high morals yet in correspondence to our natural feelings, like we once had in the past.

Let me end this, with a beautiful quote from Pride and Prejudice, when Mary, merely a teenager, learns a lesson from the mistake of her younger sister’s elopement and reminds her other sisters:

“…that loss of virtue in a female is irretrievable — that one false step involves her in endless ruin — that her reputation is no less brittle than it is beautiful, — and that she cannot be too much guarded in her behaviour towards the undeserving of the other sex.”

May Allah azza wa jal help us all raise salih, strong, and pious children. Amin.

Aafia, Mariam, Suleman, Ahmad - from happier times

Link to Full Coverage of Dr. Aafia’s Ordeal

The following is a personal account by Dr. Aafia's brother, Mohammad, content originally published at www.freeaafia.org

As we come to the celebration of Eid-al-Fitr of 2009, it is the 7th Eid we will celebrate without Aafia being among her friends and family. But we will celebrate. Not because we forget Aafia or because we abandon her but because there are many reasons to celebrate and to be thankful for God’s many, many blessings.

In some ways, for a long time, I could not get myself to see beyond the pain and stress of the whole saga of my sister disappearing with her three young children, and that too under such a notorious cloud of suspicion and innuendo. Celebrations or even allowing oneself to experience the simple pleasures of life seemed wrong and filled me with remorse. After all, Aafia and her children were denied these same treasures of family and friends that only freedom allows, and yet we all take for granted. So, for a long time I put myself in a mental prison with her even though it was neither productive nor therapeutic.

During the last year events have taken our whole family on such a phenomenal roller coaster ride of emotions and stress that I am amazed that we are all still here. Much of this has been played out in public and many of you have had a window into our journey. Aafia is still in a miserable place and it seems like the most powerful forces on earth are determined that she stays there. So many people come up and express sympathy but feel that we are fighting a lost cause – hoping in the face of a hopeless situation. Yet, I find reason to celebrate and have genuine hope.

One of the less publicized benefits of Ramadan is that it gives a person time to slow down and reflect. This month helped bring much into perspective. The break from the physical and mental flurry that has engulfed our family the last few months was put aside for long enough each day to give time to reflect and wonder why? – Why on earth did God do this to Aafia and us all? What did we do to deserve this? Where are the mercy and blessings of the Beneficent and Merciful God? And while I still do not know why, I do realize that there was no shortage of blessings. In fact, just as there has been so much pain that it numbs, there have also been so many blessings that they began to look routine even when some were nothing short of miraculous.

In 2003 when this nightmare began, we were isolated and “friends” began to desert us. Fear of job loss and persecution of our children was not mere speculation. We endured threats, warnings and separation of family. Then we had to mourn what we believed was the death of Aafia and her children – but we could only do so in private and in silence. Yet, God blessed us with relative safety and comfort. We learned that promises were cheap and courage and loyalty were rare. We learned to differentiate between a friend and an acquaintance. We learned to distinguish sincerity from opportunism and the painful lesson that trust is frequently misplaced.

Now, seven Eids later, we find that for each “friend” we lost, we were blessed with a multiple. Our isolation has been transformed into the support of thousands. We witnessed the miracle of resurrection as someone we believed dead was returned to life – not once but twice for us. That same Aafia who was once a pariah is now a unifying element for a whole nation. Her son, we were “guaranteed”, would spend the rest of his life in a US mental institution. Instead, he is living with family and recovering in a loving environment. This in itself would be enough to make one eternally grateful but God’s mercy did not stop here.

Twice during the past year alone, my mother was in critical condition and we were certain she would pass from us without seeing Aafia. Yet, she has recovered significantly. Whether she is destined to see Aafia free, only God knows.

On multiple occasions, supporters were cautioned to back off, but the result somehow was increased momentum. When newspapers were advised to reduce coverage, TV stations stepped in. When banners were discouraged, songs appeared. I cannot explain any of this except as God’s blessing to have brought out people we neither knew nor had the means to employ. What is even more remarkable is that the support has grown to include a broad spectrum of political, ethnic and social cross section of people – from the religious to the secular; from the poor to the elite; from the right wing to the left.

Then, just two months ago, when Aafia’s fate seemed sealed in a US courtroom, and our family was struggling to raise sufficient funds to retain decent lawyers for Aafia, the Pakistani government did something they have never done before for an ordinary citizen. They retained a team of lawyers to pursue a serious defense for Aafia. It was the sincere efforts and prayers of people like many who will read this that resulted in this historic commitment. People set aside differences to join together for a common cause. And we got proof that indeed if we do our part with sincerity, God does His part. This historic act, whatever the motivation, was surprising to the point of shock, even to us.

But as I reflected on this month, it really should not be a shock. For one thing we have experienced in our ordeal is that we too have undervalued and underestimated our heritage and people. It has become too common and acceptable to belittle and dismiss Pakistan and its society as corrupt, callous and self destructive. While there is much to justify these attributes, we also discovered the spirit of the people of Pakistan, their generosity, their passion, their frustration and their desire for peace, respect and dignity. Most of all, we were touched by the hunger for something around which to unify and regain a sense of pride as a nation. And we were humbled when our Aafia became one such symbol.

I have focused largely on the public events only because many of you have been witness to these and can testify to them. There have been many other things for which we are grateful but these will have to remain private for the time being.

To conclude, I would say that while a month of reflection has not answered why we have had to endure this ordeal, three important lessons have become obvious:

1. Recognizing that freedom, family, sincere friends and health are the greatest treasures God has given us. Transforming that recognition into life’s priorities is a challenge we must face every day of our lives.
2. An intimate understanding of why despair is a sin.
3. God’s help does come but not unless one makes every human effort first. And when it does, God does indeed work in mysterious ways and often what we think is good for us is not and what we dread turns out to have unexpected benefits.

With these lessons, I will think of Aafia even more. Not as someone who brought difficulty into our lives but as someone who has helped us, in an odd way, put our priorities into perspective. And while this does not gain her freedom or ease her pain, all the events I have recounted and lessons learned are what give me reason to hope. To hope that one day, God willing, our journey will come to a happy destination and be a source for joy and hope rather than sadness and despair.

My God Bless You

That was then, this is now.  Since that first invitation to a hijab party, I've seen these types of get togethers increase in their popularity.  Every year now I've been invited to small gatherings of sisters celebrating a milestone in their sister-in-Islam's life: wearing hijab.  I've grown more and more accustom to the idea of these parties, so I've stopped raising my eyebrows at each invitation.  But last summer, my parents received an invitation to one of these parties, and that was when my eyebrows went back up again.

A sister from around my local community was having a hijab party, but this time it was to be held at a wedding hall.  Her parents were going to shell out thousands of dollars not only for the hall, but the added expenses of invitations, catering, decorations, clothing (of course) and desserts I would imagine.  All this for *just* putting on hijab.  That's seems like a bit much, don't you think?

I remember once I had a conversation with a close friend I went to college with about the hijab parties on campus.  She never wanted to go to them, and I mistakenly just figured she was one of those everything's-haram-now type of Muslims.  My take on all the parties was that it was just a little bit of encouragement, a pat on the back.  These parties on campus were very “low-key”:  a few girls getting together, sharing some pizzas, and congratulating a friend on a bold step in the right direction, alhumdulillah.

But what my friend saw it as was the institutionalization of a new religious celebration (think along the lines of Bismillah and Ameen parties).  Her stance was that it all starts off “for a good cause” but that's how all innovations start (ooh… buzz word!).  What she feared was that one day, this would become a custom, something expected, needed and wanted by all young girls when they start wearing hijab.

I didn't agree with her, because I thought the parties were still out of the ordinary and would never reach that level (little did I know of my parents' forthcoming invitation!)  But then she told me, “You don't know how many girls I've heard say, 'When I started wearing hijab, how come my friends didn't throw me a party?' with obvious bitterness and resentment.”

So the problem lies in the fact that some sisters are losing sight of the important motivation and reward of wearing hijab–not the party, not the gifts, not the desserts, not the recognition, but ONLY the pleasure of Allah.  If a sister starts wearing hijab and the first thing she expects is a pat on the back and a pizza party with her friends (which may lead to more grandiose ideas of parties at the scale of weddings)… then she needs to rethink why she started wearing it in the first place.

The greatest reward, and I think most would agree, is the recognition that comes from Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, and knowing that when you took one step to come closer to Him, He came walking to you.

So, on the subject of hijab parties, friend or foe?… For now I'm going to go with friendly foe on the basis that  It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt!  And in the case of hijab parties, the someone getting hurt is our imaan.  If these parties continue to escalate over the next few years, we're headed down a path which will start to deteriorate the concept of seeking reward and recognition only from Allah and obviously, that isn't a path we should be taking.

www.anightingale.com

The Common Style

This is what you tend to see in basic intro to Islam books. Islam is spelled as, well, Islam! And Muhammad is Muhammad. Ramadan uses a d for ﺽ. From what I can gather, most of the common Islamic terms have been standardized into a set of commonly spelled terms that basic English romanization, such as Fiqh, Deen, Hajj, Shairah, etc.

The Extended Style

In this style, special attention is paid to letter conflicts. For example, azan is spelled as athan, to make clear that the word has a ذ and not a ز. Many of the letters will have additions or swaps as a shortcut to distinguish the letters. The letter ﺽ is represented by dh and not d, forming Ramadhan. Saqib becomes Thaqib, and so on.

I think this is nice to use, as it gives respect to certain letters in the Arabic language. So if you want to change your Desi given name of Rizwan Kazi to Ridhwan Qadhi, then by all means go ahead! ;)

The Sound It Out Style

You're all very familiar with this one. This is the one that will type Islaam, or Allaah, or even Aboo Haneefah. This style of romanization tends to come from some groups of Salafis, er, Salafees, and has been typified with that movement quite widely. No where else will you see the use of the word Soofee in such a distinct form.

With some exceptions, I think this style is not needed, really. There's no need to sound everything out so much, especially since English is a language that doesn't have a set way of elongating and shortening vowels. One of my maternal uncles always uses the classic example, “vhat is t-o? To. But vhat is g-o? Goo? No, it is go! Vhy is it not goo?!”

Plus adding so many extra vowels makes things look a little unkempt.  With few exceptions, end of the day, you don't always need this style, beekuz noe wun reelee tiepz lyke this eneewayz! Soundeeng out awl uv yoar werdz in letter formatt ken reelee get weerd. Keep dhis in myned dhuh next tyme yoo kaapee payst ay refyootayshun frum dhuh skawlerz!

The Academic Style

Here's where we get much more formal. In comes a slue of extended English characters with diacritics (the symbols above or under a letter) to establish each Arabic letter as unique from others based on the limitations of the English language. For example, we have d for ﺩ and ḍ for ﺽ. The different there being a small dot that appears under the d to signify that it's the heavy letter and not the light one, and most Arabic terms are italicized.

They also keep all the letters present, especailly ﻝ in instances of shamsi vs qamari letters. So instead of Usul ad-Deen, you have uṣūl al-dīn, and al-Shāfi‘ī instead of ash-Shafi'i.

This is the type of romanization you see in academic works. Just read any one of Yasir Qadhi's latest posts on MuslimMatters and see for yourself. The Quran is the Qur'ān, and kalam is not kalaam but rather kalām. Same goes for professional works by Muslim authors and publishers, in books I've seen such as Caesarean Moon Births by Hamza Yusuf or Islamic Foundation UK's newest print of Towards Understanding the Qur'ān, the abridged version of Tahfīm al-Qur'ān by Sayyid Abul A‘lā Mawdūdī (how do you like THAT for romanization!). Non-Muslim academics use this style, too.

It must be noted that the font used can really make a difference in this style. In this standard Arial you are reading in, it gets the job done. However, it doesn't compare to how it looks in fonts like Garamond, or the new made for diacritics font Gentium (YQ's choice of font for his Yale works, free to download), which have a special cursive-esque look to them when italicized.

I personally really like this style. It's very professional looking and gives the Arabic language more respect than others because of its attention to detail and clean, crisp presentation. The only problem is that it's not very common, as getting all those different diacritics on letters is difficult on a normal keyboard. While I wouldn't use it in regular chat or Emails, I feel all professional articles, papers, and especially books with Arabic terms should implement this style. To find the characters, hit up http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Romanization_of_Arabic.

The 1337 Style

Also known as Arabic chat style, this is what all the brothers and sisters overseas use when typing on forums, chat rooms, or even SMS text messages. It's like, y3ni, cool, yo. You don't tend to see much of this in the US or anywhere else in the west. My personal favorite use of this style I've seen is the URL for Muhammad Ibrahim Al-Luhaidan's website, www.al7aidan.com. How sweet of a name is that to have a 7 in your name? He is by far the most 1337 h4xor Qari out there, mashaAllah.

Cultural Differences In Styles

This usually is noticable in but is not limited to names. A person can be named Ahmad or Ahmed, Syed or Sayyid, or choose between Husain or Hussein! Generally you'll have Egyptians or Arabs using e's and Desis using a's in those cases. I think these are really fun to notice, like the time I read Shaykh Ali Guma as “Goomaa”, like a goomba from Super Mario Bros. without the b, only to later find out his name is Jumu‘ah!

Or how some may be named Javad instead of Jawad, or Farhat instead of Farhah. Or how Desis keep the tā marbÅ«tā on words such as salat, zakat, niyyat, Farhat. That ending t sound should be gone, but you should be careful. Especially if you run into a Naigat Aunty…

Conclusion

So what's the point of listing all these different styles of romanization? To show there's a vast array of differences in the methods and no one way is truly the correct one. Everyone has their own style of transliterating Arabic into English, and some may be slightly better than others. However, there just shouldn't be large amount of fuss about them. I've had instances of people correcting me about the way I will spell an Arabic word in English from one word to another, and really it's not such a big deal.

And you know what? If someone tries to convince you that it's Ramadan and not Ramadhan, or it's Islaam over Islam, just politely inform them that the real words are رمضان and إسلام above all else before any Englsh derivative!

Wa Allāhu ta'aalaa 'Alem,
ThāqibṢāb
SaaqibSaab
SaqibSaab
ثاقب صاب :)

Ah, where would we be without controversy? The latest episode in this never-ending game of “Hey, let's do something senseless just to get a reaction from Muslims!” revolves around the novelist Sherry Jones and her book “The Jewel of Madina.” Marketed as historical fiction, this book is the author's depiction the story of our beloved Messenger Muhammad (sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam) and the Mother of Believers A'ishah (radhiAllahu anha) – and as can be expected, by the author's own admission takes full advantage of “literary license” (i.e. she makes things up to make it a more exciting story).

“The Jewel of Madina” is the result of author Sherry Jones' 6-year-long endeavour to 'bring the love story of Aishah and Muhammad to the West,' as she claims. Scheduled to be published by Random House and other publishing agents around the world, Random House called a halt to the August 12th launch date after a call from University of Texas professor Denise Spellberg denounced the novel as incredibly offensive, stupid, and likely to incite the wrath of Muslims. Aside from numerous factual and historical errors (though she says that she did “a lot of research”), as pointed out in this book review, most notorious – and disgusting – is the inclusion of an explicit scene between RasulAllah (sallallaahu 'alaihi wa sallam) and A'ishah (radhiAllahu anha). This fact alone should prepare you for what is to come below. Yet, terribly, Random House has retracted its decision and is going to go ahead with publishing and distributing the novel.

Sherry Jones' interview with AltMuslim is apparently meant to allay suspicions,soothe tempers, and encourage us all to read (to buy!!!) her book before making judgments on it. She rambles on about her personal research journey into the life of our Prophet (sallallaahu 'alaihi wa sallam) and of A'ishah (radhiAllahu 'anha), her hope that the Western world will gain a better understanding of the life of Muhammad (sallallaahu 'alaihi wa sallam) and that it'll be a bridge between cultures and all the rest of what you can expect from the so-called liberal artistic intellectual types.

I don't believe a word of it. The interview is so sickeningly saccharine in her cooing over the greatness of Islamic history and her personal love of the Seerah (her own twisted version, that is) and encouragements for people to be more open to change and re-interpretations that only a blind man would be unable to see the outright tabloid-quality of the entire endeavor. For a woman who's been a journalist for the last 28 years, Ms. Jones is incredibly stupid to think that in today's day and age such a work would be accepted as what she's trying to pass it off as; that the majority of Muslims would not be outraged and disgusted at her depiction of our most beloved Messenger (sallallaahu 'alaihi wa sallam) and his wife, whose innocence from the slander of the hypocrites was revealed and confirmed from above the Seven Heavens, yet which she is quite happy to cast doubt upon for the mere sake of making her book more exciting (or as she says, to make the character of A'ishah “more humanistic”).

To my cynical eyes at least, the author's true motives are glaring obvious even through all her sugarcoating and wide-eyed protestations of innocence and pure intentions. There is no reason to write and publish a fictional account of our Prophet's life, especially focusing on (what is to others) more “controversial” issues, except to generate money and tabloid fodder. If she were truly interested in Islam, in the exceptional and beautiful life of Muhammad (sallallaahu 'alaihi wa sallam) and his companions, then she would respectfully keep her trap shut and pursue further education regarding this Deen of ours rather than undertake such a ridiculous and ill-fated endeavor. May Allah guide her, ameen.

A question is asked, if Muslims are just not ready for historical fiction. That question, I believe, is a moot point – the real issue is not that of accepting historical fiction (I'm quite a fan of it, actually), but that of people continuing to slander and debase those whom we love even more than our ownselves: our Prophet, and his companions. To those who say that we're just being stick-in-the-mud conservatives again, that don't you get it, the book is actually saying positive things about the Prophet!, that it's important for us to accept a “humanized” picture of the Prophet and his companions – to them I say, this is not an issue of being a grumpy old conservative who is being reactionary for no reason, nor is it that I'm not able to accept a “humanistic” vision of our Messenger. Indeed, in the authentic Seerah and in the Qur'an itself there is enough that presents the human side of Muhammad (sallallaahu 'alaihi wa sallam)! We don't need to depend on others, on those who don't even believe in the truth of Islam, the Message conveyed by the Messenger, to tell us how “human,” how “flawed yet beautiful,” how “complex and rich” our history is. We know our history – or should know it – very well, thank you very much. And we believe in it far more than you ever could, Ms. Jones, however much you profess to love “your Muhammad” and “your A'ishah.”

In conclusion, I don't think that this particular subject is going to be any different from the Danish cartoons case… except that (hopefully) there won't be any deadly riots over it; nonetheless, it doesn't make it any easier for me to swallow. The same old slogans and arguments and flamewars over freedom of speech and expression, of overcoming our own internal obstacles towards “greater understanding” and “enlightenment,” of what we can do to defend our Messenger will be repeated over and over again, with little if any progress or change. The book is published, it's going to sell, and bitter as it may be to us all, there's nothing we can do about it except pray that Allah guide this foolish woman and refer people to far more authentic sources through which they may learn of the true biography of the greatest of Allah's creation.

I contemplated not bothering to publish this post, as I feel that it's not worth much in terms of practicality. If I can't provide any solutions to the problem, what's the point? A bitter part of me feels that with all the proverbial mud being slung at us these days, incidents like this aren't even worth being responded to when compared to the far more weighty and depressing situations like that of the Muslims in Palestine, Chechnya, Iraq, Afghanistan, China, Kashmir, and elsewhere. The other voice in my head insisted that I may as well write this out because it's something that's happening, that has to do with us and our Messenger, and that we can't just ignore it… and so, I'm going to press the “publish” button and pray that I haven't simply given this woman and her foolishness more attention than they deserve.

May Allah paralyze the tongues and limbs of those who knowingly and maliciously slander our beloved RasulAllah (sallallaahu 'alaihi wa sallam), may He guide those with an atom's weight of fitrah left in them to the correct path, and may He increase us in our love of Him and His Messenger and follow in the footsteps of the Sunnah throughout our lives, ameen.

Note: IslamOnline published a column by Sherry Jones, defending her book. The Wall Street Journal has another such article. A Wikipedia summary of the novel and the controversy surrounding it.

Non-Muslims tend to get even more excited about prom than their grad ceremony… girls are picking out dresses, dates, and flowers while boys try to work out the nerve to ask out so-and-so to the dance. The whole school is buzzing with juicy gossip, posters plastered all over the place, and the hype is dizzying. And our young Muslim brothers and sisters? They watch from afar, sometimes contemptuously or pitying or even totally uncaringly, but many times with twinges of envy and guilt as they wish they had something that exciting to look forward to.

I've heard suggestions that Muslims have their own alterna-proms: segregated 100% halaal events where young Muslim grads can have the “grad night party experience” for themselves. In fact, I think several masaajid and Islamic centres already organize such events. However, I was wondering – why the need to have our own version of something that's based on haraam-ness from beginning to end? Why are we so eager to imitate the kuffaar in something which even many of them dread (horror stories of wet grads and date rapes abound every year)? Are we that caught up in the culture, without the confidence to be proudly and Islamically non-conformist?

The Prophet (sallallaahu 'alaihi wa sallam) said: Islam began as something strange and will revert to something strange, so glad tidings of Jannah (or, glad tidings of a tree in Jannah) to the strangers! (Fa tooba li'l ghurabaa') (Ahmad)

Umar ibn al-Khattab said: “Have you forgotten that we were a lowly people and it was Islam that made us honourable? If we seek honour from anything other than Islam, Allah will return us to that state of lowliness.”

Shame on us who jump to create “Islamically acceptable alternatives” to events which stem from totally haraam sources and have nothing to do with that which is Islamically acceptable in the first place. Shame on us who have lost our pride in Islam and seek to find acceptance in the eyes of others rather than seeking the Pleasure of Allah! Shame on us for not having the confidence to be amongst the ghurabaa'!

Okay, I'll calm down for a minute – I can see where they're coming from. Muslim kids who've spent their whole lives in the West are growing up in an environment where we – and our Deen – are a minority. It's inevitable that we'd want to be a bit more like everyone else, that we could take part in the what the majority experiences as part of life. Yet it is just as inevitable that those who take their Islam seriously, those whose identity as Muslims is more important to them than their desire to fit in and be part of the crowd, will always be left on the outside of “mainstream society” looking in. Sure, it sucks being lonely and it's part of human nature to want to fit in, but on the other hand, no one's asking you to become a hermit and live in a tiny little shack on a mountain somewhere. Plus, there's the ultimate reward of never being lonely again and sharing the companionship of the Prophets ('alaihimus-salaam) in Jannah!

The fact that we're trying so hard to lose the mark of alienation in favour of total acceptance and integration and imitation of the non-Muslims in everything that they do highlights the need for us to be more aware of the concept of “strangeness” and to take pride in it. While much emphasis is placed on Muslim parents working hard to make their kids feel more “accepted” and “included” in non-Muslim society, what about the importance of raising Muslim youth to be strong enough in their emaan and identity that they don't feel the need to be accepted and included in absolutely everything? I personally find it sad that we're so swept up in not being looked at askance that we have lost our pride in our Islam, our confidence in our Deen, and our individuality. It seems that we too have become victims of the culture of conformity.

I'm not saying that we should isolate ourselves and turn into a cult or something ridiculous like that. Rather, I'm emphasizing the need for balance between functioning properly in society as a full citizen/ member of said society and remembering that we should be living in this world as travellers striving for the best and most permanent of Abodes. Difficult as it may be even for adults, we have to understand this from a young age in order to cope with the many situations we'll face throughout our lives in this society… with an awareness that it is Allah's Pleasure that matters, not our own.

So whether it's Halloween, Christmas, birthdays, or grad season, we – adults and youth alike – need to be strong enough to realize that we don't need to make a “halaal” carbon copy of whatever it is so that we can be “just like everyone else” – because we're not like everyone else. We are Muslims!

May Allah grant us the strength of emaan and the confidence to practice our Deen to the fullest without apology or envy of those who seem to be having more fun than us, and make us amongst the ghurabaa' who recieved glad tidings of Jannah, ameen!

It's hard to see what all the fuss is about.

Firstly, isn't Harvard University a private university? The gymnasium is therefore its property. If one really believes in private property (and many people don't) then one must also believe in the right of an owner to exercise absolute control over that property based on whatever criteria he or she may decide. If Harvard University, or the owner of any other gym or swimming pool, decides to 'discriminate' against men by disallowing them access during certain times of the day, then they should have every right to do so; and, likewise, if they wanted to 'discriminate' against people whose first names start the letter 'P', they should have every right to do that too.   All property owners — whether home owners or the owners of businesses — should have absolute sovereignty over their property and how it is used. This is on the proviso, of course, that they must accept the social and economic consequences of their decision (and in the case of some of the examples that might be extreme embarrassment, public humiliation and/or boycotting).

Secondly, the decision to provide women-only sessions at a gymnasium could be viewed as a commercial decision. The gymnasium has obviously identified a market: people who have an interest in using the gymnasium but can't because they don't feel comfortable doing so when men are around. By creating women-only sessions a few hours a week, the gymnasium is attempting to win new customers and expand its market share. Some Muslims may benefit, but ultimately the gym is hoping that it will benefit too. In Harvard's case, they advised the Muslim students that they would only continue to provide women only sessions if attendance was adequate. Hence, the email sent around by one of the Muslim women at Harvard that reads, in part (emphasis added):

These women's-only hours will be in place indefinitely insha'Allah, but the coordinators will check to how usage has been to see if they can continue. I think the first check will be around Spring Break insha'Allah (3/22/08). If you can make some of these times and are interested in working out, by all means please go to the gym then! (Quad gym: 66 Garden Street)

It may also be beneficial to the university — from a marketing perspective — to be able to demonstrate it's willingness to accommodate the needs of Muslim students. Australian universities, for example, have in recent years benefited from a rise in international student numbers from the Middle East and being able to represent their university as a “Muslim-friendly place” may be useful from a marketing and sales perspective.

So if people are just so outraged at the thought of a gymnasium setting aside a time for women, then they can opt to vote with their feet and not renew their memberships or stop attending the facility. Maybe, if there is enough of them, someone will be smart enough to open a gym that caters to that market as well.

I am hesitant to blame misogynistic attitudes amongst women on immigrants, but in my experience that’s how it is. Like so many other examples of gender injustice, it seems to be based on culture; specifically, cultural notions about women, their status in society, and their overall capabilities. It never fails to astound me how in some cultures, they'll be eager to send their daughters off to university and get their degrees – only to expect them to come home, get married, and pop out babies for the rest of her life without ever actually using her God-given intelligence! And if she does dare to take a stance on issues, to have an opinion, to be active in some way outside the home (and I mean in a halaal way, not a haraam way), she'll be told to “behave like a proper woman” (i.e. keep her mouth shut, smile, and nod) and looked down upon and criticized.

The worst thing is when they make misogynistic comments in an Islamic context – for example, using the (grossly mistranslated!) Hadith about women being “deficient” in religion and intelligence. This happened to me the other day when some common incident took place wherein I didn't recall making a certain commitment and another woman did - and that woman then said, “You see, that's why the Shari'ah requires the testimony of two women, because your memory is so weak!”

Aside from the irony – she being only one woman, not two, who claimed to have heard me make the commitment, and so technically her testimony wouldn't count either – it was the commonality of such an attitude that infuriated me. I said nothing due to her age and her position over me, but in my head I was outraged!

Then there's the other thing that's constantly held against women: their hormones! I find it absolutely ridiculous that whenever a girl gets angry or upset over something, she is so often dismissed by others (women even more so than men!) by being told, “Stop spazzing; just because it's your time of the month you don't need to take it out on the rest of us!” (Or something to that effect.) Why is it immediately assumed that for a female to be angry, it's because of her hormones? Why is it that men can get angry and outraged about the silliest of things, and still be taken seriously; but that a woman is dismissed the majority of the time because she experiences a short period of time during which she can be a little, well, unreasonable? And what about women who don't suffer PMS at all? Are their concerns also to be blamed on hormonal irrationality?

“Oh no, not another feminist rant!” is probably what you're thinking… well, yes and no. I don't at all deny the differences – both physical and psychological – between men and women, nor do I deny anything in the Shari'ah (two female witnesses, etc.). What I do take issue with is, as I listed above, how people will take something from the Shari'ah and use it as a general excuse to use against women in anything and everything – even though it's totally out of context!

Okay, so what does this have to do with Muslim matters, you ask? In my opinion, it has a lot to do with Muslim matters: such attitudes severely restrict what Muslim women are capable of. Attitudes like that are what's stopping our daughters, our sisters, our wives, from following in the footsteps of the great Muslim women of the past: Aisha bint Abi Bakr, Hafsa bint Umar, Umm Habiba bint Abi Sufyan, and many more (radhi'Allahu anhuma ajma'een). They were all extremely intelligent, and what's more, they were outspoken! They didn't just learn by rote; they learnt by observing, questioning, and implementing.

When we read some of the ahadith of these noble women, we are sometimes be shocked by their behaviour – such as when they would argue with the Prophet (sallallaahu 'alaihi wa sallam) himself! Not to say that it's a free license for us to argue about everything and anything with anyone and everyone, but it's a sign that the women around the Messenger (sallallaahu 'alaihi wa sallam) were certainly not mindless robots who only cooked, cleaned, and popped out babies.

So when we're told that “good Muslim girls” don't ask questions or think too much, then let's remember those women whom the Prophet (sallallaahu 'alaihi wa sallam) loved and taught and did not rebuke for their intelligence, and most certainly did not degrade.

To paint women as fragile, emotional, hormone-controlled vessels liable to have a psychological breakdown at any moment belittles us and insults the intelligence that Allah has blessed us with. Furthermore, it crushes the potential our girls have to be amazing assets to this Ummah, as teachers and as leaders within our communities.

Women are indeed the driving force of any society. They are the ones who raise the children, the ones from whose lips and laps babies learn the behaviour and attitudes of the family, which in turn affect the society as a whole. We learn what our role as women in society is from our mothers -  and so it's imperative that our mothers break away from these negative attitudes towards femininity; and that we, when we become mothers, can pass onto the daughters of this Ummah the message that as women we are NOT inferior or deficient but rather the full twins of men and equal in the Sight of Allah.

It is important to note that sometimes the male head of the household can have very open ideas about women’s roles, can encourage his daughters to pursue more in life than the traditional ideal… yet if the matriarch believes otherwise, then it’s almost guaranteed she’ll pass on her attitude to the younger females. In that is an example of the powerful role women play in society: they can “make or break” attitudes and traditions, and it is this power which needs to be tapped into when trying to create and implement a solution to this problem.

All right, so now that we've identified the problem, what is the solution?

The idealist in me has it all figured out: more from the minbar speaking out against this and emphasizing a need to take the great Muslim women of the past as role models; Islamic lessons, courses, and workshops on the same subject, empowering women, as it were; and implementation/ reinforcing the lesson by creating and providing opportunities for Muslim women to take on a greater role in our Ummah, by taking part in community activism.

We talk so much about the beautiful rights that Islam has given women, yet in our own homes and in our masaajid we rarely allow our women to practice those rights. We also talk of wanting our communities to be like the community that existed during the time of our beloved Messenger Muhammad (sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam). Here’s one way of accomplishing that: by letting our womenfolk take on roles that were practiced by the womenfolk of the first Muslims. Not just wives and mothers, but students and teachers, professionals and activists.

The reluctantly realistic part of me, however, recognizes that this won’t necessarily cause a 180-degree change in attitude. The struggle to change the way Muslims – men and women – believe about the status of women as individuals and their roles in society will be long, and I doubt it will ever be 100% successful.

As with all worthy struggles, though, insha'Allah I won't give up on it - and neither should you! Masha'Allah, I know wonderful people (men and women alike) who are trying their best to address this issue (amongst the many others our community needs to be dealth with) from the Islamic point of view, educating themselves and others about what Islam REALLY says about the rights and responsibilities of each gender. In my opinion, the best thing they've done is to provide opportunities for sisters to realize their potential within the Muslim community: by encouraging them to start studying Islam more deeply, to get involved in community projects, to strengthen their identity and just feel good about themselves as Muslimaat!

May Allah grant us all knowledge, wisdom, and understanding of the Deen, and aid us in implementing it for the benefit of our souls (which will need all the ajr it can get on its side for the Day of Judgement) and for the benefit of our Ummah, ameen!

Related:

• Perfect Justice: Debunking the Male Bias Myth by Sheikh Yasir Qadhi
• Muslim Women and Activism by AnonyMouse

(Written in response to – can you guess? – an almost disastrous 'Eid party)

Yes, it’s that time of the year again… ‘Eid time! And for those involved in the community, it means that it’s time to book the halls for ‘Eid salaah and the ‘Eid parties. ‘Eid parties are always a bittersweet experience for volunteers – while we love being able to make ‘Eid a special time for our brothers and sisters, we don’t look forward to having to deal with people, their problems, their messes, and their kids.

Unfortunately, the problems start even before the ‘Eid party: a chronic problem that our community constantly suffers from is lack of volunteers willing to dedicate themselves wholeheartedly to helping out. I know that most people come to the ‘Eid party because they want to relax and they don’t want to be running around madly mopping up spills and dealing with the kazillion other issues that arise, but look at it this way: we can’t have a successful ‘Eid party if we don’t have people to help!

Here’s my solution to the issue: sacrifice this one day fee sabilillaah, and then treat yourself and the other volunteers to an after-Eid-party-party! So what are you waiting for? Go ask your masjid/ Islamic centre what they’re doing for ‘Eid al-Adha and sign yourself up to volunteer! Insha’Allah, the ajr you get will be totally worth the stress you’ll have to deal with.

Let’s move on to the next stage: the actual ‘Eid party! My number one pet peeve is the total lack of cooperation from participants. Whether it be barging in without having bought a ticket, fighting over seating and space, or squabbling over food, nothing makes it harder for the volunteers than party participants totally ignoring our desperate calls for order.

Really, is it so hard to buy a ticket ahead of time? It takes two minutes, maybe even less, to go up to the organizers and purchase a ticket at least a week before the party. You have no idea how much we appreciate it when people follow simple instructions like that – and how much we really don't appreciate people who think that they can just show up to the door and expect to be allowed in. I don’t care if I know you personally or not, I don’t care if you’re my relative or my best friend: if you’re going to be so irresponsible, then you DESERVE to be turned away at the door. There is nothing that says you have a RIGHT to be allowed in, when instructions on posters specifically state that there is no admittance without tickets.

That’s just the ticket issue – seating, food, and children issues are ten times worse! I really don’t get it… why is it that when you go to something organized by non-Muslims, you’ll be on your best behaviour, but as soon as you go to something organized by your brothers and sisters in Islam you seem to lose any concept of adab and akhlaaq? People fight over chairs in a way that you’d think it’s a life and death situation. People fill up their plates as though they’ve never seen food before in their lives, and never going to see some for the rest of their lives – and then they end up wasting half the plate!

People: WASTING FOOD IS HARAAM! Take a little bit at a time, finish it, and then come back for seconds if need be. By filling up your plate (and please, don’t give me the excuse that you “need to feed your kids”, because your kids are NOT going to eat that much, and you and I both know it), you are 1) revealing your own total lack of good manners, and 2) depriving others of food. Rather than being able to enjoy the barakah (blessings) in a nice, small meal, you’re causing problems for yourself by racking up sayyiaat (bad deeds).

Anas said: “The Prophet ordered us not to leave anything in the plate and he said: “You do not know in which portion of your food Allah has put the Barakah.” (Muslim)

Kids… they’re supposed to be a blessing, but these days they seem more of a curse! Honestly… are they people, or are they animals? I’m starting to think they’re more of the latter, to judge by their behaviour. Discipline seems to be a foreign (or forgotten) concept amongst many parents. People, your masjid/ Islamic centre/ volunteers are NOT providing a babysitting service!

Some ‘Eid parties have separate rooms or activities for kids. Others don’t. Regardless of what kind of party you’re attending, parents should at least have the decency to check up on their kids and make sure they aren’t destroying everything (which they usually are). Oh, and when a volunteer comes up to you and tells you that your kid is getting into fights/ making trouble/ whatever… do us a favour and smack your kid upside the head, will you, please? They need it. Desperately. I know, because even if I don’t live with them, I teach them. Trust me, teaching them gives me a better idea of what they’re like than you know… and harsh as it may sound, but most of the kids in the Muslim community are selfish, greedy, ill-mannered, badly behaved monsters. And that’s putting it mildly. (In case you didn’t get the hint implied: please do something about your kids!)

All right, the children-hating rant is over. Let’s move on to… the other party-goers. The grown-ups. The ones who, despite being over the age of 18 and having kids of their own, seem to have totally forgotten such basic things as manners. You know, saying “Please,” “Thank you,” and such concepts as patience, forbearance, and appreciation. The lack of Islamic adab (etiquettes) and akhlaaq (good manners) is astounding and, quite frankly, depressing. So please, please, PLEASE: remember that we’re trying our best to make this party successful, and you know what? If you think we’re doing such a bad job, why don’t YOU organize and run the party and see how well YOU can do it? There are few things I hate more than people who sit around making our work harder, and then have the gall to complain about it. Like I said: If you don’t like it, do it yourself!

Finally, let me vent about the other most common occurrence at ‘Eid parties: people’s Islamic dress sense. Or rather, lack thereof. Why is it that all the hijaabs seem to fly off at ‘Eid time? Oh, pardon me – maybe there was just a very, very strong breeze in the area that I somehow missed. In which case, let me introduce you to the wonderful invention called the hijaab pin. It’s something you use to secure your hijaab under your chin so that it doesn’t slip off revealing everything that’s not supposed to be revealed. By the way, hijaab doesn’t just refer to the scarf: it’s the entire way you dress and carry yourself. I’m not going to go into the whole definition of what hijaab constitutes, but suffice to say the following: bright, sparkly, skin-tight, flesh-revealing outfits matched with layers of makeup caked on do not meet Islamic dress requirements in any way, shape, or form. Not even in alternate realities. And honestly, half the time it’s not even as attractive as you think it is… so please, spare our eyeballs and spare yourself the sayyiaat, and observe hijaab!

Having picked on my fellow females, it’s time for me to rip into the guys: STAY OUT OF THE WOMEN’S AREA. How hard is it for you to do that? If you need to talk to your wife/ sister/ daughter/ mother, then send a kid to call her out so that you can talk to her. And if she’s not your mahram, you shouldn’t be talking to her in the first place.

Show some respect, everyone… just because Ramadhaan is over doesn’t mean that it gives us a free license to engage in haraam! What, do we think that Allah only watches us during Ramadhaan and doesn’t hold us accountable for what we do the rest of the year? Laa wAllah! Allah is as-Samee’, al-Baseer, ar-Raqeeb: the All-Hearing, the All-Seeing, and the Ever-Watchful. Let us be amongst the muttaqeen and know that we are accountable for our words, our actions, and the way we behave at ALL times, not just during Ramadhaan.

That being said: I hope you all had a wonderful ‘Eid, and may Allah accept our fasts and good deeds, ameen! And may He help us in our striving to obey Him for the rest of the year as well, ameen.