Revive the true spirit of Islam through the 3 P's

PRACTICING – PRODUCTIVE – PROSPEROUS

At the time when Muslim achievement is in a relapse, there is a need for change of Muslim attitudes. The prophetic teachings demonstrate Islam as a way of life. The discharging of religious obligations should increase your productivity in all aspects of life. Being practicing and productive are the two key ingredients to prosperity in the courtyard of Allāh , The Most High. The predominant factor, which dictates the essence of achieving these three P's, is a sound heart that is home to pure intentions. The acquisition of a pure heart is a gift from Allāh , which will enable a person to maintain a balance in all walks of his life.

Islam is a living dimension encompassing the affairs related to all aspects of life, importantly: theology, worship, financial dealings, social etiquette, and purification of the heart. This automatically removes the implication normally associated with religion; that it is restricted to rituals, days and certain seasons of the year. It is clear that Islam is neither time-restricted nor bound to a place of worship; rather it is a complete system that deals with anything you will encounter in your life from the moment you enter until the time you depart from this world. The present situation invites Muslims to be religiously practicing and productive so as to become prosperous. This is especially relevant to the pursuit of further education where it is commonly thought that these elements are distinct; rather they are intertwined.

As Islam is a complete way of life, it has to be understood that the time spent at University is very much a part of your Islam and worship, as long as is it is undertaken with the right and good intention – seeking the pleasure of Allāh . The transition from college to university can be a daunting experience. The concept of individual learning, the requirement to adjust to new teaching methodologies and a greater sense of independent study can leave you feeling lost. Student life is filled with new prospects and opportunities; more often then not the question arises, 'How do I fulfill all my aspirations and ambitions whilst acquiring prophetic excellence in all my pursuits?'

To overcome the hurdles that you face in order to see the light of success, and to achieve your aims you must have to maintain equilibrium in all aspects of your life to seek the pleasure of Allāh as Islam is a religion of moderation.

Allāh says in Qurʾān:

“…Thus have We made of you an Ummah (Nation/Community) justly balanced That ye might be witnesses over the nations and the Messenger a witness over yourselves…” [143 Al-Baqarah]

Here is some advice for achieving the 3 P's: 

1. Become Practicing – Enrich yourself with knowledge:

Aim to study Islam & your degree to a very high standard and to convert all the information you obtain into knowledge. Knowledge is the culmination of acting upon and utilizing the information that has been obtained regardless of whether it has been imparted through a teacher, books or any other means.

You must have a hybrid education of Islam and your degree as this will permit you to become a practicing Muslim without transgressing any limits set by Allāh , in your affairs. If you are aware that you are a Muslim student, then you will easily know how to use your intention to make the best use of your degree in the Islamic way of life.  You will no longer have to draw a distinction between your Islamic and secular life as they will become harmonized. Islamic sciences should be studied alongside your degree to know how to correctly discharge your obligations. Also, you should seek advice and knowledge from the knowledgeable pertaining to your field of study or Islam, for that too is an Islamic way.

Allāh , The Most High says:

“Say, 'Can those who know and those who do not know become equal?' It is only the people of understanding who are receptive of the advice.” [9 Al-Zumar]

Practicing upon what you learn is essential, otherwise the information delivered to you will not be evolved into knowledge but remain as information which could be of no use. Knowledge can only be that information on which you act and that leads you to the guidance.

Everyday, we seek the guidance from  Allāh , reciting Surah Fatihah in our 5 time prayers:

“You alone do we worship, and from You alone do we seek help. Take us on the straight path.” [5, 6 Al-Fātiḥah]

 Action Point: Enroll into a part-time Islamic course online or in your local area. Aim to read and listen to authentic books and lectures discussing the lives of famous Islamic historical figures. This will inspire you to follow in the footsteps of the great personalities that have enriched Muslim heritage.

2. Become productive – The change starts with you:

The times of the Messenger , the Companions (Allāh be pleased with them) and the early generations of Muslims was the most successful and productive in the history of Islam. Muslims made new discoveries, invented new machinery and were coveted by other communities. But the present condition of the Muslim Ummah is in sharp contrast to this and predominantly lacks productivity although Muslims are more in number.

The next duty is to appreciate the value of time by avoiding procrastination and laziness, if you want to be productive.

You must plan your day, make targets and be consistent. As a Muslim student, you must strive to excel in all that you do. Excellence is achieved through being consistent in action. The Messenger said:

“The most beloved deeds to Allāh are those that are done consistently, even if they are few.” [Bukhari]

To become productive, you must ensure that you maintain a routine whereby you set yourself a time and a place for everything. Do not sign up to so much that you cannot cope, conversely,  do not restrict yourself to so little that you are not  utilizing the spare time that you have, but try to optimize your capability and resources.

A few tips to cut on your waste of time are : avoid spending excessive time indistinctly surfing the internet, text messaging, and unnecessary engagement with gadgets; these will prevent you from becoming productive by keeping your mind engaged in them even when you are not really doing it. The heroes of the past knew the importance of a sound heart and how to keep it pure. Allāh says in Qurʾān:

“Success is really attained by he who purifies it [i.e. – the soul], and failure is really suffered by he who corrupts it.” [9, 10 Al-Shams]

With a pure heart, your love, trust, patience, and gratitude in Allāh will increase, and He will Help you in becoming more practicing – productive – prosperous. Not only it will benefit you, but also encourage others to traverse the same, and this will become the “ERA OF REVIVAL” starting with you!

 Action Point: Draft a routine and commit to it. Make long and short-term targets to achieve your objectives and be consistent in meeting your personal goals. Always supplicate to Allāh , especially after the obligatory prayers, that He blesses you with a sound heart and for Him to remove anything that will lead to its corruption.

 3. Become prosperous – Be a beacon of light:

Seeking knowledge is an endless endeavour, as the saying goes, 'the pursuit of knowledge is from the cradle to the grave'. Likewise, self-rectification and purifying the soul is a lifelong struggle. Prosperity in this world is becoming practising and productive, using every moment in your day to draw closer to Allāh . Prosperity in the hereafter is to be blessed with the countenance of Allāh and His everlasting pleasure.

Action Point: You must exert yourself to achieve the prosperity of both worlds to become a beloved servant of Allāh . When Allāh loves you, the people of the world embrace you and you have the opportunity to become a beacon of light in your community.

The Messenger said:

“When Allah loves a slave, He calls Jibra'il (Gabriel) and says, `I love so-and-so; so love him.' And then Jibra'il loves him. Then he (Jibra'il) announces in the heavens saying: Allah loves so-and-so; so love him; then the inhabitants of the heavens (the angels) also love him; and then people on earth love him.”  [Bukhari and Muslim]

A dynamic female scholar, Ustadha Bint Ahmad teaches the Islamic sciences and Arabic at Al Zahra 'Ilmiyyah Institute and Al Arqam Academy and she is the main course instructor and author at Al Muhsinaat, London, UK

Happiness is a mental state of well-being characterized by positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy. Each and every human being instinctively is in pursuit of happiness. Whether he/she is a child or an adult, a Muslim or a non-Muslim, and this is the fact. In order to achieve this true and eternal happiness, one must comprehend what this emotion really is. Happiness, according to the Oxford dictionary is 'feeling, causing, or giving pleasure' and it is being 'satisfied'. It is essential to understand the psychology of happiness to know how much control we have over it. James Montier, a renowned global equity strategist studied behavioral psy­chol­ogy and concluded in his research 'The Psychology of Happiness' that psychologists have found that happiness is comprised of three components:

1.   About 50% of individual happiness comes from a genetic set point. That is, we're each predisposed to a certain level of happiness. Some of us are just naturally more inclined to be cheery than others.

2.   About 10% of our happiness is due to our circumstances; demographic factors, age, gender, ethnicity and geographic factors. It also includes personal history and life status.

3.   The remaining 40% of an individual's happiness is derived from intentional activity, from discrete actions or practices that we choose to do.

As humans we have no control over our genetic set-point, and hardly any control over our circumstances. This 50% of happiness in Islam is called 'ridha bi al-qadha' (being content with our lot in life). This means that as believers if we truly love Allāh and trust Him, we are satisfied with what He Has decreed for us. The Messenger would supplicate with words that would highlight the importance of satisfaction with our fate; therefore we too should make the effort to recite these supplications:

 “I am pleased with Allāh as my Lord, with Islam as my religion, and with Muhammad as my Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him).” [Abu Dawud]

 “O Allāh, make me content with what you have provided me, send blessings for me therein, and place for me every absent thing with something better.” [Bukhari]

 “O Allāh, I seek refuge with You from knowledge which does not bring benefit and from a heart which is not fearful and from a self which is not content and from a supplication which is not answered.” [Muslim]

 Thereafter, the main conclusion to be drawn from Montier's research is that we can only work on the last 40% to make ourselves happier. It must be noted that this 40% cannot be achieved in pursuit of money, fame or anything else materialistic. These are all transitory, and anything transitory will never result in true happiness. True happiness is contentment, and this is only attained through activities which are not fleeting. So here are the 10 steps in the light of Qurʾān and Hadith which makes our lives happier:

1.   Seek the Pleasure of Allāh – Nothing can make us more happier than seeking the pleasure of Allāh. Allāh tells us in Qurʾān about what is the greatest happiness, calling it a 'supreme success'  and about the people who deserve this supreme success.

The believers, men and women, are Auliyâ' (helpers, supporters, friends) of one another; they enjoin (on people) Al-Ma'rûf (good), and forbid (people) from Al-Munkar (evil); they perform As-Salât (prayer), and give the Zakât (charity), and obey Allāh and His Messenger. Allāh will have His Mercy on them. Surely Allāh is All-Mighty, All-Wise. Allāh has promised the believers -men and women, – Gardens under which rivers flow to dwell therein forever, and beautiful mansions in Gardens of 'Adn (Eden Paradise). But the greatest bliss (happiness) is the Good Pleasure of Allāh. That is the supreme success. [71, 72 Al-Tawbah]

 2.   Be Thankful – The more Thankful we are to Allāh, the more He will shower His bounties  upon us. Appreciation of what Allāh has blessed you with is vital for this step to be achieved. This is indeed an act of worship.

And (remember) when your Lord proclaimed: “If you give thanks, I will give you more (of My Blessings), but if you are thankless, verily! My Punishment is indeed severe.” [7 Ibrāhīm]

O you who believe! Eat of the good things that We have provided for you, and be grateful to Allah, if it is Him you worship. [172 Al-Baqara]

 3.   Satisfy Your Soul – Work on activities that result in internal happiness that satisfy and bring a smile to the heart, not merely a smile on the face by doing meaningful work; strive to partake in activities like feeding the poor, assisting the distressed and helping others rather than killing your resources like time and money.

“True enrichment does not come through possessing a lot of wealth, but true enrichment is the enrichment of the soul.” [Bukhari]

 4.   Avoid Worldly Comparisons – Do not look at the celebrities, rich or affluent people above you in worldly matters. The lives of such individuals is not 'ideal' in the eyes of Allāh. Admire the lives of the Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him) and Khadija (may Allāh be pleased with her) who are our role models.

“Look at those below you (less fortunate than you), and don't look at those above you, for this is better.” [Muslim]

5.   Expect Only From Allāh – Any sustenance, provision and reward we expect is from Allāh alone.

“O Allāh, give me enough of what You have made lawful to suffice me from what You have made unlawful, and enrich me by Your bounty giving me independence from all other than You.” [al-Tirmidhi]

And so many a moving (living) creature there is, that carries not its own provision! Allah provides for it and for you. And He is the All-Hearer, the All-Knower. [60 Al Ankabūt]

 6.   Serve Others and Maintain Relations –The Messenger strongly advised to maintain family ties, keep strong relations and taught us the etiquettes of social relations.

“All created beings are the dependents of Allāh, and the most beloved of creation to Allāh is the one who is good to His dependants” [Bayhaqi]

7.   Get Adequate Rest and Organize Your Life –A very important step to ensure better productivity.

The Messenger chose a simple life over a glamorous one, and he was always content. A person who plans their day is much more productive than a person who does not. The Prophet used to carefully apportioned his time according to the demands on him for: Worshiping Allāh, Public affairs and Personal matters.

On the authority of Ali, Tirmizi has recorded that the Prophet had carefully apportioned his time according to the demands on him for offering worship to Allāh in and his personal matters. After the early morning prayers he would remain sitting in the mosque reciting praises of Allāh till the sun rose and more people collected. He would then preach to them. After the sermons were over, he would talk genially with the people, enquire about their welfare and even exchange jokes with them. Taxes and revenues were also disrtibuted at this time. [Sahih Muslim, Tirmizi]

He would then offer chaste prayers and go home and get busy with household work. [Bukhari, Muslim, Tirmizi]

8.   Build a Support Group – Feeling a part of a larger group gives one a sense of security and a safety net to fall into on occasions of happiness and hardships. The concept of brotherhood and sisterhood is one of the central themes of Islam.

“The (example of) believers (in their mutual love, care and concern) is like a single person: if his eye complains of pain his whole body complains of pain, and if his head complains of pain his whole body complains of pain.” [Muslim]

9.   Eat Halal– Consuming halal is an order of Allāh and an essential part of the Islamic faith. Allāh has repeatedly emphasized the consumption of halal in His book.

Abu Hurairah related,” Allāh's Messenger PBUH said: Verily Allāh is pure and He accepts only what is pure and indeed Allāh has given those orders to the believers, which he has given to the Messengers. He has said, “O Messenger, eat from the pure foods and work righteous”. He -also- has said: “O you who have believed, eat from the pure things which we have provided you.” Then (the Prophet PBUH) made mention of a man who undergoes a lengthy journey in a state that he is disheveled and dusty. He spreads his hands towards the sky (calling), “O my lord, O my lord”, however his food is haram, his drink is haram, his clothes are haram and he has been nourished with haram! So how will his call be answered?” [Muslim]

10. Keep Fit – Scientists claim that one of the benefits of exercise is that it makes us feel happy. Exercise is described by many doctors as an anti-depressant. The presence of certain chemicals like endorphins and phenyl acetic acid increases drastically after a good work out and it is this that contributes to that 'feel good' feeling afterwards. Prophet said:

“The strong believer is better and more beloved to Allah than the weak believer, while there is good in both.” [Muslim]

These are the ten steps for Happiness and with the divine assistance of Allāh it is hoped we can all live  happier lives to transport us to our final abode – PARADISE. May Allāh be pleased with us always – and that's the eternal happiness. Ameen.

Allah's plan is not set in stone, as if we were robots pre-programmed in the factory. That would strip us of free will and deny our natures. Rather, I believe that Allah has a flexible plan for each human being:  a plan that allows that person to benefit the world with his/her unique talents.

This is in fact the Islamic view of al-Qadar, or predestination. There is no doubt that Allah has decreed everything that happens in the universe from the beginning of time to the end, and that Allah has written it all in al-Lawh al-Mahfooz (the Book of Decrees).

“Know you not that Allah knows all that is in the heaven and on the earth? Verily, it is (all) in the Book (Al‑Lawh Al‑Mahfooz). Verily, that is easy for Allah” (Quran, al-Hajj 22:70)

In Saheeh Muslim (2653) it is narrated that 'Abd-Allah ibn 'Amr ibn al-'Aas (may Allah be pleased with him) said: I heard the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) say: “Allah wrote down the decrees of creation fifty thousand years before He created the heavens and the earth.”

Everything happens by the will of Allah. Whatever He wills happens, and whatever he does not will does not happen. However, as Sheikh Muhammad Saalih Al-Munajjid explains,

Belief in al-qadar does not contradict the idea that a person has free will with regard to actions in which he has free choice. Sharee'ah and real life both indicate that people have this will.

Allaah says concerning man's will (interpretation of the meaning):

“That is (without doubt) the True Day. So, whosoever wills, let him seek a place with (or a way to) His Lord (by obeying Him in this worldly life)!” [al-Naba' 78:39]

(and other similar ayaat)

These verses confirm that man has a will and the ability to do what he wants and not to do what he does not want.

With regard to real life, everyone knows that he has a will and the ability to do what he wants and not to do what he does not want. And he can distinguish between the things that happen when he wants them to, such as walking, and those that happen without him wanting them to, such as shivering. But the will and ability of man are subject to the will and decree of Allaah.

Sheikh Al-Munajjid's last paragraph is the key to understanding Al-Qadar: walking (voluntary) versus shivering (involuntary). Other scholars have explained it as two types of Qadar, fixed and flexible. The fixed Qadar is that which happens to us from beyond our control. For example the time and place of our birth, any illnesses and natural disasters that befall us, etc. The flexible Qadar is that which is within the realm of our free will. Whether we do good or evil, and what we choose to believe and how we choose to live. Sheikh-ul-Islam Ibn Taymiyyah wrote:

There are two types of provision and lifespan: the first type has already been decreed and is written in Umm al-kitaab, and cannot be changed or altered. The next type of qadar, Allah has informed His angels of His decrees. This is the type where provisions and lifespan may increase or decrease. Hence Allah the Almighty says what may be translated as, “Allah blots out what he wills and confirms [what He wills]. And with Him is the Mother of the book.” (Surat Ar-Ra'ad, verse 39) The mother of the Book (Umm al-Kitaab) is Al-Lawh al-Mahfoodh, in which Allah has decreed all things as they will always be without change. However, the decrees contained in the books of the angels, such as lifespan and provisions, may increase or decrease according to various circumstances; thereafter, the angels will re-write a person's provision and lifespan. If a person upholds the ties of kinship, his provisions and lifespan will be extended, otherwise they will decrease.” [See Majmoo'al-Fataawa 8/540]

So Allah has a plan for you, but fulfillment of that plan is up to you:  the choices you make, as well as your degree of faith, persistence and determination.

Allah's plan for you is important to the world because Allah created nothing in vain. Look at His creation. Everything has a purpose, from the sun that heats our world, to the bacteria that consume waste.

You are the same. You have a purpose. You are necessary to the world. If your presence were not vital in some way, then you would not have been made.

Discovering Allah's Plan

Allah's plan for us is not always what we might wish it to be.

How do we discover Allah's plan for us? Where do we find it? How do we realize it in our lives?

It's not as difficult as we might think. It wouldn't make sense for Allah to have a plan for us and then leave us stumbling in the dark. Allah's plan doesn't have to be a mystery. If we trust Him, do what He asks, and follow our hearts, His plan will unfold in our lives like a brightly lit path.

If you are trying to follow Allah's guidance, but you find yourself confronted by obstacles and hardship, don't despair.  The hardship is probably a sign that you are on the right path. Consider our Prophets (may Allah bless them all) who faced tremendous obstacles:

The Prophet Ibrahim was disowned by his family and thrown by his people into a blazing fire; Allah rescued him from that, and made him the father of two nations.

Allah inspired the mother of the baby Musa  and told her to place her infant into a chest and send it floating down the Nile. If the soldiers of Pharaoh ever learned about his birth:

“We revealed to Moses' mother, 'Suckle him and then when you fear for him cast him into the sea. Do not fear or grieve; We will return him to you and make him one of the Messengers.'” (Surat al-Qasas: 7)

That was a hard plan to follow, but she trusted her Lord, and carried out her mission.

The young Yusuf was thrown by his brothers into a well; later he was sold into slavery, then imprisoned for years; but in the end he became an important minister, and was reunited with his father.

Maryam , the mother of Isa , delivered her child alone under a palm tree, far from her people as she feared their reaction; but Allah helped her through miracles, until she became the honored mother of a great Prophet.

The Prophet Yunus  gave up on his mission to the people of Nineveh, ventured onto a ship and was then cast into the sea, where he was swallowed by a fish. At the point of despair, he called upon Allah with all his heart and was rescued. He returned to his mission and achieved success.

Aishah , the wife of the Prophet , was slandered by an ugly lie, but Allah brought the truth to light, and Aishah became a leader and scholar in her own right.

The companion Umm Salamah lost her beloved husband Abu Salamah in the battle of Uhud; she thought that no husband could ever be better than him, and yet she ended up marrying the Prophet himself . Things are not always what they seem.

Be patient. Allah has a plan for you.

Following Allah's Plan

This is the hard part. Allah's plan for us is true to who we are at our core, in our very essence. It will not correlate to an artificial persona we have adopted, or our desire to be seen and recognized. Allah's plan may not bring us fame, fortune, or physical pleasure. It might mean giving up material comfort. So Allah's plan for us may not be what we would wish it to be.

Abu Hurayrah , the companion of the Messenger of Allah , was asked about Taqwa (God-consciousness). He said, “It is a road full of thorns. One who walks it needs to have extreme patience.”

In fact, Allah's plan may be so challenging that we may perceive it but decline to follow it. I have known all my life that I was a writer. I've been talking for years about writing certain books. And yet it took me until the age of 44 to begin writing about the things that really mattered to me, and I still have not published a book (look for it this year, insha'Allah!). Why did it take me so long to do what I was meant to do?

I have a friend who says that Africa has been calling her all her life. She believes that her destiny is to go there and help the African people in some way. But she has not done it. Why?

I have another friend who believes that da'wah is his mission in life. He spent ten years studying Japanese at the university level, and he dreams of living in Japan and doing da'wah there. But he has no concrete plan to do so. Why?

I asked several brothers and sisters if they know what their mission in life might be. Some said yes. I asked them if they were carrying out their mission. Most said no, and gave these reasons:

• I feel that others are more qualified than me.
• It seems like a fantasy.
• It feels like a dream.
• I tried once and it didn't go my way.
• Right now I need to focus on financial security.
• I'm not ready yet.

Brothers and sisters, no one more qualified than you to fulfill the plan that Allah has for you! Allah's plan is not a fantasy, nor a dream. It may not go your way the first time, or the second, or the third. It may not make you rich, but there is no true financial security in this life – that's an illusion.  No one expects you to let your family go hungry. Work hard and provide for them, but don't get caught in the trap of thinking that the accumulation of wealth will save you, because the only true security is with Allah. And last of all, no one is ever ready to walk fee-sabeel-illah (in the path of Allah). It is a road full of thorns. But it is also the road to fulfillment, happiness, barakah and success.

Fulfilling Allah's plan for us requires that we silence the voice of our own desire, open ourselves to Allah, and look within with total sincerity. It takes courage, patience and determination. It is the path to Jannah (Paradise), Insha'Allah.

Although purchasing beauty products is allowed, as Muslims we are taught that beauty comes from within, literally! Our scholars have mentioned in their writings that when a person commits a sin against Allah and that person is persistent and adamant upon sin his/her face darkens. The opposite is also true, when a person observes the Taqwa of Allah and perseveres in Allah's path his/her face is illuminated with the light of iman (faith). So although the Maybelline may try and make people believe that they are pretty etc while they commit sins, in reality, those who are upon the truth and observe the Taqwa of Allah their face is radiant with the light of iman. It is only the believers who appreciate and discern this light.

See below a comment by Shaykh Ibn Taymiyyah on this issue. He رحمه الله may not be giving direct beauty tips to people, especially our young brothers and sisters, however, I believe this is the best and most healthy beauty advice one can give.

Imam Ibn Taymiyyah رحمه الله wrote:

“The person who is righteous and honest, his honesty is manifest from the radiance on his face, and his honesty can be known from the glow that is on his face, likewise the (opposite for the) sinful one and the liar. The older a person gets, the more this sign becomes apparent. Thus a person as a child would have a bright face, however if he becomes a sinful person, adamant on committing sins, at the older stages in his life, an ugly face would manifest that which he used to internalize, and the opposite is also true.

It has been narrated that Ibn Abbas رضي الله عنه said,

`Indeed righteousness illuminates the heart, radiates the face, strengthens the body, increases provision, and produces a love in the hearts of the creation for that person. Whereas sinfulness darkens the heart, greys the face, weakens the body, and produces hatred in the hearts of the creation for that person.'

It is possible that a person may not intentionally lie; he may even be a person who makes great effort in ibadah (worship) and has zuhd (abstains from pleasures of this life that are lawful). However he has false, incorrect `aqidah regarding either Allaah, His deen or His Messenger ﷺ or His righteous servants. And what is on the inside affects what is on the outside. Thus, this false, incorrect `aqidah (belief and incorrect practices) that he thought was true and correct reflects on his face, and his face would be dark in accordance with the level of falsehood he possesses.

As it has been narrated that `Uthman ibn Affan رضي الله عنه said,

`No one ever hides evil within themselves except that Allah makes it manifest from his facial outlook and the statements his tongues utters.'

Hence some of the salaf used to say,

`If a person of innovation were to dye his beard every day, the dye of innovation would remain on his face.'

On the Day of Judgment this would be very clear as Allah says,

“And on the Day of Resurrection you will see those who lied against Allah their faces will be black. Is there not in Hell an abode for the arrogant ones?” (Surah Zumar, 39:60)

He also said:

“On the Day when some faces will become white and some faces will become black; as for those whose faces will become dark (to them will be said): “Did you reject Faith after accepting it? Then taste the torment for rejecting Faith.” (Surah 'Ali Imran, 3:106)

Ibn Abbas and others have said regarding this verse,

`The bright faces will be ahlus-sunnah, and dark faces will be the people of bid'ah and division.'`Al-Jawab As-Sahih' (Vol.4, pg. 306-307)

So you want to get that look or develop those biceps and triceps? Try and visit the Taqwa shop more often than the Body Shop!

While we go about living our daily lives, many times we find ourselves at a loss of hope because of our sins. A lot of times this is because we decide to live our lives in a state of “Carpe Diem,” which in Latin means “live in the moment.” We find ourselves being halfhearted and insincere when we want to repent. We begin to lose faith in Allāh and His decree because we think “I'm in too deep to get out.” We then gradually start slacking in our good deeds. Finally, we start thinking that we have reached a point of no return and cannot possibly receive guidance from Allah because of our sins.

For those of us who share a common feeling with the above sentiments, then cure yourself by taking a look at what your Master has said about you:

In Sūrah Ṭāha (20:82), Allāh said,
“And indeed I, INDEED, I am the perpetual forgiver, to whoever repented, had faith, and did a righteous deed. Then he is guided.”

When beginning the verse, Allāh uses two forms of emphasis to show the importance of what He is about to say. He firstly uses inna, which basically means “without a doubt!” or in more colloquial terms “fa sho!” He then uses the lām'l-ta'kīd (the lām of emphasis), which conveys a similar meaning of inna.

Allāh refers to Himself as Ghafār to a certain group of people in this verse. Ghafār is a hyperbolized noun, so it denotes that Allāh is perpetually and constantly looking over faults and forgiving. To add, in the study of Quranic rhetoric (balāghah) the usage of a verb (as opposed to a noun) usually denotes an action which will eventually come to rest. But when a word is used as a noun (as opposed to a verb) then it is constantly happening without stopping.

After Allāh mentions He is Ghafār, He explains to us who are eligible for his maghfirah (forgiveness): tāb (the one who has done tawbah—past tense verb), aman (the one who believed—past tense verb), and lastly, 'amal (to do an act—past tense verb). Allāh finishes the ayah by saying those are the ones who are guided.

In summary, Allāh's mercy is so vast, that He would forgive us no matter how much we may have sinned. Though we keep promising to Him that we'll stop, yet persist in our vain desires, Allāh continues to forgive us.  No matter if we commit sins day in and day out; Allāh wants us to repent, even if we end up doing the sin again! Even if we had faith in Allāh one day, but the next day it sort of faded out, Allāh will keep forgiving us. Even if we lack in terms of good deeds, Allāh will continue to forgive us. At the end of the day, when we haphazardly demonstrate our insincere tawbah, and try to believe with our weak faith, and act with barely any deed, Allāh STILL puts us on a path of guidance. That is the essence of Allāh being Ghafār to us. SubḥānAllāh.

To add to the amazement, Allāh mentioned Bani Isrā'īl before this āyah. In the Qur'ān, Allāh dedicated most of the revelation to the story of Musa and his dealings with the Bani Isrā'īl and the numerous crimes they committed. Besides Fir'awn and those like him, no nation's mistakes are mentioned more than Bani Isrā'īl's, yet Allāh mentioned this verse showing us His Mercy, and how it was even shown to the Bani Isrā'īl, subḥānAllāh!

Brothers and sisters, Allāh is more merciful to us than our very own mothers. When we made mistakes as children, our mothers smiled and kept giving us chance after chance. Without a doubt, Allāh is much more merciful than our mothers, and as long as we beseech Him alone, we will always be under Allāh's guidance. It's all about us trying.

May Allāh give us the ability to be better Muslims who will serve His religion in whatever capacity we can. May He give us the ability to turn to Him with sincere repentance, a strong heart devoted to loving and believing in Him, actions which benefit us in the Hereafter and guidance which shows us the road in this life and the next, Āmīn.

Reflecting on my marriage, my mind settles on two things: A diamond ring and a couplet from the Holy Qurʾān.

So verily, along with every hardship is relief. [Al-Sharḥ  5]

Verily, along with every hardship is relief. [Al-Sharḥ  6]

On my fourth wedding anniversary, two days before our first child was due, my marriage crumbled.  My husband abandoned us without warning, like a thunderstorm that suddenly shifts the winds and darkens the skies on an otherwise clear day and passes just as quickly, leaving in his wake the debris of debt, women, and lies.  The next night, I went into labor alone desperately reciting hasbunallahu wa ni`mal wakil, pleading Allāh to save my family, the physical pains of labor engulfed by the sharper, more seething pain of a broken heart.  On Friday afternoon, immediately after Jumu'ah Ṣalāh, my son silently entered the world; not a breath, cry or squirm announcing his arrival, prompting a controlled frenzy of doctors and nurses.  Although my son survived, my heart died.  I sold my house, I resigned from teaching, I struggled to pray.  I refused to leave the house for 10 months.

Such is the unexpected nature of divorce, splitting asunder the very foundation of a woman's existence, destroying her confidence, stifling her capacity to love, and paralyzing her faith.  It is in this condition that I found myself facing a tremendous test from Allāh – the responsibility of single motherhood.

A human being's instinctual response in the face of tragedy is survival, the struggle to fulfill basic human needs – cleanliness, warmth, sustenance, and sleep.  For a new mother, the needs of her newborn child supersede her own, as she responds to his cries, nursing, changing, and soothing him tirelessly, forcing her into an unfamiliar solitude and causing bouts of anxiety and depression. For a divorced new mother in 'iddah, the solitude is tenfold, requiring tremendous love, concern, and support from others.  Yet, tragedy repels people from the one who suffers.  Too numb from my own pain and fatigued from attending to my son, I welcomed the solitude, reflecting on my relationship with Allāh, repenting for my sins, weeping and begging for His mercy.  I found solace in the du'ā' of Umm Salamah (raḍyAllāhu 'anha), which she recited after the death of her husband, Abu Salamah, and before her marriage to the Prophet:

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In quiet dhikr and reflection, my days ebbed and flowed testing my ṣabr and building my resilience.

Alḥamdulillāh, with time, the fight for survival subsides, the body recovers and grows stronger, as surviving gives way to living.  Similarly, a newborn's dependence advances towards independence – a first smile, the first full night of sleep, first steps, first words.  In response, the mother experiences a catharsis – a flood of emotion that purges her of frustration and fear – and begins to kindle within her genuine love and compassion for the little person emerging before her.  It was amongst my son's firsts that the dam suppressing my sorrow often burst, and the tears gushed forth uncontrollably.  In gratitude and humility, the khushū' returned in my ṣalāh and I began making du'ā' with conviction, not yet for myself, but for my son.

Just as the surface of a seawall erodes from the ceaseless pounding of salty, ocean waves, so does raising a child soften the hardened edges of a mother's heart, allowing a peaceful quietude to take root.  After returning to teaching, my students and I were discussing Arthur Miller's 'Tragedy and the Common Man'.  He argues that “[tragedy] is the indestructible will of man to achieve his humanity… the tragic right is a condition of life, a condition in which the human personality is able to flower and realize itself.”  This forced me to reflect more deeply on the profound beauty and ḥikmah of our blessed Qurʾān.

With Allāh's guidance and mercy, I now understand that motherhood is my tragic right, my son is the promised relief from my hardship, and our bond as mother and son is the transformative result of our condition – like a diamond.

SubḥānAllāh, the formation of a diamond requires very specific environmental conditions -the exposure to extremely high pressure juxtaposed with extremely low temperatures – and is brought to the Earth's surface by magma released from volcanic eruptions.  As a result, the diamond is the hardest natural material, known for its toughness and purity, which sparkles more brilliantly than any gem when cut, faceted, and polished by time and experience.

May Allāh preserve the purity of our sons like diamonds and strengthen the virtues of honesty, humility, and modesty in their character as exemplified by our beloved Prophet. May He harden them against the evils and temptations of this society and enable them to accept their roles as amīrs, husbands, and fathers who honor their responsibility to their wives and children, treating them with compassion and integrity.  And may He guide them to find Jannah at the feet of the mothers who raised them and to make du'ā' for the magfirah of the fathers who abandoned them.  Ameen.

Let's take a moment and reflect on the story of Adam and Iblis.  Adam and Iblis, in general, both committed “mistakes” when it came to their encounters with each other.  Iblis refused to bow down to Adam when he was commanded to do so, while Adam ate from the forbidden tree when he was prohibited from doing so.  Why is that Adam was forgiven while Iblis was condemned?  Indeed, eating from the forbidden tree was a “mistake” while refusing to bow down was a “mistake.”  Why are Iblis's actions described as an act of kufr?  Where is the disbelief/kufr in Iblis's actions?  Why is that Iblis committed an act of kufr while Adam did not?  Many scholars explain the situation by referring to the words that Iblis uttered when he was asked why he refused to bow down.  Iblis responded by saying he was better than Adam.  By saying he was better than Adam, Iblis claimed that he did not need to bow down to Adam, which insinuated that Allah made a mistake and was wrong to command Iblis to bow down.  Iblis was inferring that he thought he knew better than Allah (and we seek refuge from such thoughts!) and that Allah should not have ordered Iblis to bow down to Adam.   Therefore, we see that Iblis's questions of Allah's Wisdom and his belief that he should not have been asked to bow down to Adam is labeled as an act of kufr, which ended up leading to his ultimate destruction and eternal damnation.

So the next time something “harsh” happens to you, don't question why it is happening.  If you question the wisdom of Allah, what makes your state of mind any different than the state of mind of Iblis at the time of his encounter with Adam.  Indeed, the very fact that you need to question Allah and ask “why” is an extremely dangerous road to wander down.  By asking “why,” you may be questioning the wisdom behind such actions, which is the same path Iblis took towards his own destruction.

Indeed, whenever something happens to a believer, it is for his benefit.  Let us reflect upon the hadith of Suhaib: “The affair of the believer is amazing! The whole of his life is beneficial, and that is only in the case of the believer.  When good times come to him, he is thankful and it is good for him, and when bad times befall him, he is patient and it is also good for him” [Muslim].

So, if something good happens to us and we praise Allah and because of it, it is beneficial for us.  And if something befalls us against our desires, we should be patient and because of it, it will indeed be beneficial for us again.  Indeed, everything that befalls a believer is for his or her benefit.  There is no such thing as something “bad” or “unfortunate” when it comes to the affairs of the believer.

What we really need to do is reflect on whether or not we are true believers.  If we were to fall sick, get into a car accident, or be in times of despair we should try to easily overcome those hardships.  We are told, “when the believer is afflicted with pain, even that of a prick of a thorn or more, God forgives his sins” [Bukhari].  So the next time such a difficulty comes to you, simply try to bear it with patience and remember the many references to patience in the Quran such as, “Indeed, the patient will be given their reward without account” [39:10].  Let us be optimistic and encouraging whenever we encounter a situation that requires sabr and patience.  Indeed, regardless of what happens to us, let us say, “Alhamdulillah!”

Every so often, someone will send a nasty email, or write a mean comment, or tell someone that they don't like us and we start falling apart. We dwell on the 'why did he say that', and 'how could she do that', and 'why me'. We start questioning ourselves. The result can be mild for some people and debilitating for others.

Very early in my career, I worked in sales and marketing for an internet giant. I hated cold calling: telephoning unsuspecting, potential clients. Even though they were strangers, their rejection would paralyze me. I would take it so personally. Ask me to pick up the phone to call, and my heart would pound; I would hang up for the fear of rejection.

Rejection Sensitivity 

There is even a psychological term for it: rejection sensitivity. I was very sensitive to rejection, to the extent that I would change myself so people would be happy with me.

A study published in the journal Psychological Science reported that social rejection actually affects the heart. When subjects were told that others didn't like them, their heart rates plummeted,  “In other words, the body seems to carry programming which influences it to try to fit in with the herd, and when that isn't happening, the body goes into shock mode.

Many of us are needy for  the approval of others. It is like there is a void inside us that we try to fill with admiration  from others. It cripples us when we don't please everyone around. For example, we are liked by most people and disliked by one or two. But we let those one or two people  have the biggest impact on our emotional state. We start believing that if one person does not approve of us, everyone will feel the same way.

Cognitive Distortions: Magnifying & Minimizing

Why do we do this? It is because we want everyone to love us, or at least like us. This is unhealthy and unrealistic. No one is liked universally, not even God.  (Allāh could if He wanted to but He has let humans have free will.)

We do whatever it takes to gain everyone's approval, and despite the 100 “great job's” we receive, nothing compares to the hurt we feel from the one “you suck”. Psychologists call it cognitive distortion, when we set up mental filters or magnify criticisms and minimize compliments. We magnify our faults and minimize our virtues. This is something we must do in our relationship with God, but not in our relationship with people.

The practical reality is that we live in a world full of people whose behaviors, feelings, opinions, and words are influenced by ego, attitudes, fear, greed, insecurity, social-programming, and Shayṭān. And although we want everyone to like us, there will always be people who will find faults in us.

The Need for Approval and Control

“It's almost an addiction that makes them feel like they need to be needed,” says social psychologist and author Susan Newman, “this makes them feel important and like they're contributing to someone else's life.”

Facebook and blogging doesn't help – we start needing the constant positive feedback.

I have learned that focusing on the negative can also be due to our need for perfection — to be in control. But I can't be in control of other people and the way they think– not my friends, in-laws, spouse, co-workers, and especially not complete strangers. The only control I have is over my own thinking. If I believe that the criticism is valid it will upset me.

And in an effort to be noticed and included, I think I tried hard to please people.

Sometimes it is the desperate child inside us, still wanting our parents' and friends' approval. We are still remnants of a taunted former fat kid, a geek with bottle top glasses teased incessantly, the weird ḥijābi isolated in her teenage angst, or the pimply nerd ditched in every team game.

We have nursed the hurt, fed it with our insecurities, worn ourselves out trying to please everyone around us, so we are not that reject anymore.  We edit ourselves, our words, our habits, and our boundaries in the hopes that one day we will be the popular kid who everyone likes.

Nice Guys Finish Last: Dealing with Criticisms

Why do some people not like us despite our best efforts to please them? I think this is because different people have different priorities and intentions. When we do not match up to the ideal inside another person's mind, they think less of us.

Disparagement also amplifies the power of the giver, by making the recipient feel diminished in some way, not empowered. Anger is a common tool used to manipulate others. If I am fearful of an outcome, then I have given others control over me. If my only fear is whether Allāh is angry with me, then I will stop caring about the others.

Shaykh Ahmad Zurraq says that one of the foundations of the spiritual path is indifference to whether others accept or reject you. The only one you have to spend 24 hours, 7 days a week with for the rest of your life is yourself and God. So you need to like yourself and live by a set of values that please the Creator.

Riyā': A disease of the Heart

Part of this is understanding that there may be an inclination in our hearts towards loving the ephemeral aspects of the world.

From a Prophetic tradition, related by Imam Bayhaqi, we learn, “When a believer hears somebody praising him, his faith (īmān) increases,” — not his or her pride or self-esteem.

Scholars say that it is part of human nature to enjoy the good things one does and, in turn, be pleased when others recognize them. But if we are falling into an emotional abyss because someone is not recognizing the good we do, we should check the condition of our hearts. There could be sparks of ostentation-ness (riyā') in us as the “essence of ostentation-ness is being preoccupied with people” (1).  We should also check our niyyah (intentions).  I think many times it hurts so much because our intention was earning the pleasure of other people and not God.

How can you become less preoccupied by what other people think and more worried about what Allāh thinks?

1. Ask yourself why? If you ever find yourself becoming an emotional wreck because of negativity around you, ask yourself why. Why am I focusing on the negativity? Why am I ignoring the good while finding the bad? Only your thoughts can upset you. Stop thinking about it. A criticism may be right or wrong. If it is wrong then it is the other person's fault. They are not perfect and have made a mistake. If the criticism is right,  it still should not be upsetting. Instead, use it as a tool to better yourself.

2. If rejection can happen to him it can happen to you. Reflect on this noble Prophetic supplication that he made after he was brutally rejected in Taif: “Oh Allāh if you are not angry with me than I do not care what you do with me.”

3. Try to remember the last time you got upset at someone and said something that you may have not meant, or something that you exaggerated. Did your saying that make the person totally worthless? No, of course not. So why would them saying something negative to you make you totally worthless? When you are so hurt because someone doesn't like you, you are making them perfect judges. Only Allāh is the perfect Judge, do not give them a power that doesn't belong to them.

4. Use a counseling technique:

• Listen to your internal voice. Write down the thoughts as you hear them in your head.  Are you using negative language?
• Categorize which cognitive distortion each thought is under. You will start seeing patterns.
• Counter your negative self-talk, ask yourself: What is the evidence for this? Is this ALWAYS true? Has this been true in the past? Write down some alternative statements. 
• Say these constructive statements out loud. Do this every time.

5. Question your past: If you have internalized a negative event in your life, focus on the event — ask yourself, are you generally a good person? Do people usually like you? Does it really matter what a handful of people think or thought about you?

6. Learn the Lesson: If there are people in your life who do not like you, think about why they are in your life. They may have a real lesson for you to learn. But then let it go. Concentrate on yourself, work on liking you. Is there a trait of yours you do not like? Change that. Meditate. Pray.

7. Concentrate on the benefit that your existence has on this Earth.

8. Don't fear being alone because you are never alone -- Allāh is your companion and friend in this world. It will give you sakinah, peace, knowing that there is always someone who will be waiting for you to come back to Him.

9. Build a support system around you -- people who are honest with you and let you say what you need to say. Focus on the amazing, incredible, positive people who encourage, support and love you no matter what.

10. Ask yourself if this is suma, the need to seek reputation. This is a disease of the heart.

11. Don't let the Drama Queen/King out: We only have so much energy and this is such a poor investment of our emotions. You will be exhausted trying to get everyone to like you. I know I go through this too. It is the drama queen (king) in us – we have tried to overcome her (him) through deen but s/he sneaks up on us from time to time.  Don't let her (him). S/he wants to make a big deal of something small, obsessing about the trivial. Remember feelings are just that, feelings, and they change. You will not feel the same way the next day.

Our energy is also an amānah from Allāh. So let go of the negativity. Tell yourself that this is not the best use of your energy.  It doesn't help you in any way. Imam al-Shafi' says that, “There is nobody except that he has someone who loves him and someone who hates him. So if that's the case, let a person be with the people who are obedient to Allāh 'azza wa jall!' (as they love and hate for the sake of Allāh and they are not unjust).”

1)      Purification of the Heart- Shaykh Hamza Yusuf
2)      Feeling Good Handbook – Dr. Burns
3)      Feeling Good- the New Mood Therapy- Dr. Burns
4)     (Hilyat al-Awliya 9/124)

[The following is the video and transcript of Shaykh Abdul Nasir's lecture "Happiness in the Home." The transcript includes slight modifications for the sake of readability and clarity.]

One of the most important concepts within our religion (our dīn) is something that the Qurʾān talks about extensively and something that is very, very prominent from the study of the life of the Prophet , the prophetic biography, the sīrah.  Similarly, this is something that is very extensively and emphatically addressed by the Prophet in the sacred traditions, the aḥadīth of the Prophet .   It is something that is a very obvious need of human beings and a part of the human experience, and that is the issue of family.

The issue of family is something that each and every single one of us can experience and deal with in our own ways, shape, and forms.  It is something that is relevant to each and every single human being.  When talking about the issue of family, I feel that it is very important, crucial, and critical for us – and when we look at any issue or situation such as in the āyāt the shaykh recited in the prayer on the concept of the belief in one Allāh and believing in one god and one deity, the concept of tawḥīd and oneness of God.  What is very beautiful and very important to note about how Allāh addresses the issue of tawḥīd within the Qurʾān, Allāh presents the problem.  He talks about the partners you associate with Allāh –  the false gods, false deities, false idols that you have taken other than Allāh.  One very important way in addressing any situation and one very consistent pattern throughout the Qurʾān and teachings of the Prophet that if we are to truly address any issue, any concern, any situation, then we first and foremost must come to terms with the reality of the situation.

When we talk about rehabilitation and solving any problems and resolving any type of issue, the very first step of rehabilitation is accepting that there is a problem, being aware of the problem and being cognizant of the situation and not being ashamed and not being afraid and not shying away from admitting the fact that there is a problem.  That is the first step to solving any situation and problem.

When we talk about the situation of family, something that is very near and dear to our hearts, and I think that anyone who has any level of experience in community leadership, community matters, and community affairs will very readily admit and stand up hear with me and preach about the dire need of addressing family issues, not just in society and not just in community but specifically even within the Muslim community, from our imams and our shuyukh who are on the front lines to even community leaders and community activists.  A basic khaṭīb can tell you the importance.  A Sunday school teacher and a weekend Islamic school teacher can speak to you for hours and hours about the critical need of addressing the family situation.

Coming to Terms with the Reality

What is the reality at hand?  What are our issues? What are our circumstances?  What is going on with us?

1.  One thing that we have to understand in our very unique circumstance and our very unique situation as a Muslim minority living here in America and need to come to terms with is that the problems that we are experiencing in Muslim families are the same that others are experiencing outside of the Muslim community as well.  Meaning there are certain things that are unique about our circumstances and situation, but generally speaking, a lot of what we are experiencing are general problems across the board.

We have to deal with a very specific reality, and that reality is that we live in this same society as every other faith-based community and every other ethnic community:  current, modern-day United States of America.  We are being impacted by those same social elements.  It is very important for us to understand and deal with the reality that we are similar to any other community, meaning we will be impacted by our society and the culture we live in.  The media and the impact that it is having on them is also having the same impact on us.  The effects of the school environment and interacting with other children has the same effects on them as us.

I always tell this story that I have a little bit of a unique experience.  There are many other people who have extensive experience in this regard, but I feel that in terms of a lot of people in our community today, I have a unique experience, which is simply the fact that I was raised during the 80s, which was not too young ago.  I still may be a kid to many of our elders here, but that still is a significant time ago.  I grew up during the 80s and I was a teenager during the 90s.  I grew up in a place where there were very few Muslim families.  The Muslim community is still relatively young.  It was very, very small.  Minuscule back then.

Growing up at a time like that, I got to see the evolution of the Muslim community, the development of the Muslim community until the point where we are today.  At the same time, there was amongst the immigrant Muslim community this notion and idea – and I don't mean to offend anyone – and this delusion that we're all eventually going “back home.”  That was the tone of the immigrant Muslim community in the 80s.  That was their mindset during the 80s and even leading into the 90s – that they are all eventually going back home.

There was a certain amount of denial about dealing with the issues at hand.  I remember very vividly that when people would even address social issues and social evils and family issues that were very, very common at that point in time in general American society, there was this distancing from those issues and concerns by saying, “Those are their problems, not ours.  That happens with them, not us.”

I still remember during the early 90s, one of my main teachers and mentors and senior shuyukh Mufti Naeem (ḥafiẓahullāh) used to visit the United States on an annual basis.  He would travel around and talk to communities.  I was a very young ḥāfiẓ of the Qurʾān at that time.  I was leading ṣalāt'l-tarāwīḥ for a community at a masjid and he came to visit and check on me and see how we were doing.  We had close family relationships as well.  He came to the tarāwīḥ prayers to check on me and see how I was doing, and of course we requested him to address the congregation like I am addressing you now.  He started talking about the family issues.  He was trying to emphasize adhering to the dīn and learning the dīn and the importance of instilling a system of tarbiyah within the homes and within the community so that our children could grow up with the proper Islamic perspective.  Otherwise, the social evils in family issues that we saw “out there” and “amongst them” – notice the specific language that I am using – before we know it, it will be standing at our own doorstep and be inside of our own homes and communities.

I remember being very young and shocked by the reaction.  I remember some community members becoming very angry, shouting at the shaykh and interrupting him saying, “How dare you!”  He was talking about issues like divorce, kids running away from home, children rebelling against their parents, families breaking apart and cutting each other off and disowning each other – things that have become commonplace in our communities today, right?

I still remember very vividly some community members becoming very angry.  “How dare you even talk about this stuff?  Don't even mention the word divorce!  Our children and families are here.  How dare you talk about this stuff!  These aren't our problems.  We're Muslims.  We don't have these problems.  Those are their problems.”  Pardon my use of the word – I don't condone speaking in this manner, but I'm trying to paint the picture for you of what the mentality was – “Those are the kuffār's problems.  Those aren't our problems.  We don't have those issues.”  There was such a complete denial and obliviousness and delusion present in our communities at that time.

Before you knew it, my same teacher visiting year after year, it was literally a number of years before he was opening up and giving a lecture on taqwa or ṣabr or fasting or the importance of Qurʾān and he was specifically being requested to talk about marriage.  He is specifically being requested to talk about divorce and children rebelling against their parents.

This is the reality that we have to come to terms with.  “Their problems” are the same problems we have.  There is a certain common thread between a lot of these issues; therefore, the factors are the same.  Some solutions might also be very, very similar.  We will, of course, have our own take on them because of the guidance of Allāh and the guidance of His Messenger .  Nevertheless, there are some common threads that we have to understand.  We also have to understand that we are not immune, as Muslims, Muslim families and Muslim communities, to the evils, problems, circumstances and situations that may be “out there.”  That is the very first reality.

2.  There is a second reality that I would like to address here before getting to some specifics of the family situation and the condition and situation of families.  It is very important, and we have to understand this.  A lot of times, for us, this is not wrong or incorrect in any way, shape or form, but nevertheless it is a concern and some people are very focused in this regard.

For some people, the bottom line is just spirituality.  Just Islam, īmān.  They translate Islam and īmān as just a connection with Allāh and the spiritual part of it – the spiritual relationships and the spiritual connection to Allāh.

Understand one thing:  family struggles, family difficulties, unrest, trouble, chaos, distress in the home, and unhappiness in the home affect spirituality.  It affects people's relationship with Allāh.  It has a very profound impact on an individual.  When someone is struggling in their marriage, in their relationship with their children, in their home, and the harmony in the home is gone, that will affect a person's spiritual condition.

How often has it been the case that when you are having a fight at home and are in the middle of a very serious situation with your spouse – yes the mind initially goes to making du'ā', but when it goes on and persists and becomes a serious problem and serious issue, how common is it that you forget to pray?  You don't think of the prayer.  You don't feel like getting up and praying.  You become neglectful of even your ṣalāh.  How common is that?

Understand that even unrest within the home and the emotional distress that a human experiences due to concerns in the family and distress in the family affects spirituality.  Make no mistake about that.

Key Dynamics & Relationships of the Family

Having said that, what are some of the key dynamics and key relationships of family where we are struggling, and what are some of the struggles that we are experiencing?  Then, very briefly, we'll talk a little bit about – it is a very short lecture, so obviously we can't solve the problems here and can't even in detail address the issues and solutions, but we can at least raise awareness.  Understand that raising awareness is the first step to solving any problem.  After a person admits that there is a problem, the next step is raising awareness about the issue and about some of the solutions.  We need to at least start talking about this and becoming aware.  That's what we'll do here.

Parent-Child

The very first universal dynamic of family relationships is the parent-child relationship.  Everyone is either a parent or a child.  We'll talk about marriage and some other things, but the very first universal application of family is the parent-child relationship.  Everyone is either a parent or a child.

Something very beautiful about the Qurʾān, the Book of Allāh, the ultimate source of guidance, ultimate reminder and ultimate lesson is Allāh talks about this relationship.  Allāh highlights both the problems and the solutions.  Allāh presents problematic, difficult parent-child relationships to us in the Qurʾān, and He presents to us harmonious, beautiful, happy, functional, beneficial, flourishing parent-child relationships within the Qurʾān as well to both present the problem and the solution.

The Qurʾān is not a storybook.  The Qurʾān is not a history textbook.  The Qurʾān is guidance.  It is a reminder.  It presents and solves problems.  It points out our problems to us and solves those problems for us.  When Allāh chooses to mention something in His Book and in His Speech, it is there for a reason and purpose because it is very important and very relevant.

Allāh in Sūrah Maryam, and other places as well, very extensively presents the difficult and strained relationship of Ibrāhīm with his father.  A father is frustrated with his son, and the son is frustrated with the father.  Both have their own perspectives.  The father is frustrated with the son because the son has abandoned the culture, the religion, the ways of his father, family, community, forefathers.  The son is frustrated with the father because the father is in denial about the truth – believing in one God.  They are going back and forth.  The son is telling the father very respectfully “O abati (O my dear father),” which is like how we would say, “Dad, please.  Abu, come on, please.  Baba, please.”  He is pleading with his father and says “ya abati” four times.  At the beginning of every statement, he says, “Dad, please.”  Ya abati, ya abati.  He is trying to be respectful and not point any blame.  “You are not bad, dad.  Shaytan is bad.”  He is trying to plead with the father, and the father is frustrated with the child.  “So you're trying to tell me my gods aren't good enough for you, Ibrāhīm?”  He doesn't say “my dear son.”  “I'll kill you!”  It literally means in Arabic, “I'll stone you,” which is an expression in Arabic meaning “I'll kill you.  I'll hurt you.  You need to stop know, I'll hurt you.”  “Get out of here, you are dead to me.  You are nothing to me.”  Look how difficult that relationship is.  Allāh presents such a parent-child relationship.

Ya'qūb with the older sons is a strained relationship.  They are jealous:  “He likes Yūsuf better than he likes us.  He chooses Yūsuf over us.  He loves Yūsuf more than he loves us.  Why?”  The father is trying to make the sons understand.  “What is wrong with you guys?  Why would you even say that?  Why would you even think that?”  The father knows that the sons have taken their younger brother and disposed of him.  The father knows they are lying to his face, but what can he do?  This is a difficult relationship.

A parent-child relationship is something that Allāh tells us:  “There are lessons.”  There will be difficulties in the parent-child relationship.  The child will feel like the parents just don't understand them, and the parents will be frustrated with the child.  “I only want good for you.  Why won't you listen to me?”  The child says, “You don't understand me!”  The parent says, “You don't listen to me!”  I think all of us have experienced that.  SubḥānAllāh something that is unique about this relationship, this is not only when the children are young.  This is not only in the teenage years.  Those who are older and have older parents also know the struggles and the challenges.  That is why you know that very famous ayah of the Qurʾān from Sūrat'l-Isrā', “Don't even say uff to your parents.”

Do you know what context it is in?  It is specifically talking about when one or both of your parents have reached senility and have become old and senile.  Now they are angry.  They are frustrated and their body is falling apart.  They are ill and sick.  They can't eat properly, they can't sleep properly, they can't walk properly.  Do you know how difficult that is?  As young, able-bodied people we have no understanding of how frustrating that must be.  Imagine living your life on your own feet and being independent for 50, 60 years and then one day you cannot even get up and go get a glass of water by yourself and can't get a glass of water by yourself.  Imagine what that's like.  They are angry.  They are short-tempered, frustrated.  Even the mind begins to go.  The emotions become frail.  Allāh tells us, “They get returned back to the worst of ages.”

One of my dear, dear friends, one of my best friends, accepted Islam in middle school and we grew up together.  He is a convert and his parents are not Muslim yet.  Make du'ā' for them inshā'Allāh.  May Allāh bless them with guidance, hidāyah.  Both of his parents are old and have health issues, but his mother suffered a very severe stroke recently to the point where she lost a lot of function in half her body.  He told me, “Nasir, you know when life hits you and you wake up to the reality of life, the reality of so many things hit you in the face.  60 miles per hour.”  He is working and working hard.  He travels for work and has to be away from his parents because he is financially supporting them and paying the medical bills for the nurse to be there to take care of his mother.  All of the responsibility is on him.  He said, “I was visiting my parents over the weekend, back home from work and off the road.  I went back to my parents and was with them over the weekend.  I sat there and fed my mother with a spoon.  I spoon-fed my own mom.”

SubḥānAllāh.  That's when I realized.  You know when you sit there and feed your child?  I have a two-year old at home.  When you sit there and feed your child and say, “Come on, come on.  Open up.”

Another one of my dear, dear friends, we studied together.  We grew up together and are like brothers.  His mother also has very difficult health and suffered a stroke and is dealing with a lot.  I visited him and his mother with him.  Having to force her to speak and to talk and to interact and to eat, asking, “Come on, did you eat your food?”  SubḥānAllāh.

Allāh is talking about when parents reach old age.  My grandmother , may Allāh bless her and grant her Jannat'l-Firdaws, developed Alzheimer's before she passed away.  SubḥānAllāh.  I witnessed that and I witnessed my mother, aunt, and uncle experiencing that.  The mind was gone.  Allāh in that context is speaking about our parents becoming old, the difficulty and the frustration with parents.  Teenagers say, “You are making my life difficult.  God, you hate me.  Why do you hate me so much?  You never want to let me do anything.  You want to ruin my life.”  Usually it is about sleeping over at a friend's house on a Friday night.  “But everyone is going to be there.  You are destroying my life.”  The frustration that kids have with parents is not relegated to teenagers.  Anyone who has elderly parents and is an adult now and mature now – “I'm an adult.  I'm mature now.  I don't have drama.  I don't have teenage hormones.  I'm not going through that phase in my life.  I'm not an adolescent” – you still know about the frustration with parents, don't you?  You might be an adult and you might not have drama anymore, but now your parents are old and fragile and senile and demanding.  They don't want your money.  “I've paid their bills, what more do they want?  I send money every month, what more do they want?”  They just want to sit and talk to you.  That's all they want.  They still want to know that they exist and matter to you.  They still want you to ask their opinion about something like you used to.

Allāh is speaking specifically.  Frustration with parents is a universal thing.  Everyone is dealing with it.  Similarly, frustration with the children and disappointment with children is a universal thing.  When they are kids, they don't listen, they don't learn, they don't pay attention.  The world is opening up to my four year-old and she is starting to become more and more independent every single day.  It is already awkward for her now.  I dropped by her school and walked into the classroom and saw her working.  You know, when your children are small, or at any age for that matter, when you look at your children, you are overcome with love.  The love just fills your heart.  I hadn't seen her for three hours – she went to school at 8 in the morning and I'm there at 11 and it already feels like a lifetime.  What did I do?  I walked up to her from behind her and hugged her and kissed her.  She said, “Abuuu, stop!”  When she got home later that day, she tells my wife, “Mommy, Abu hugged me and kissed me in front of everybody.”  I'm like, “What's wrong with that?  Of course I hugged you and kissed you because you are my baby girl!”

It starts there, and they start to become independent.  Anybody who has teenagers, they know.  I was recently talking to a friend and colleague, another imam, and we were all getting together and talking about how much we love our communities and how amazing our lives are, māshā'Allāh.  We are all fairly younger and all have small children and babies except for one of colleagues who has a teenager.  It struck me.  I asked him, “We talk and lecture so much and preach all the time.  How is it having a teenager?”  He says, “Ya, Al-Salām. Make du'ā' for me.”  That's all he could say.

The disappointment and frustration with children is universal, whether they are kids or teenagers and even when your children are all grown up.  You think my parents don't still get frustrated with me?  Of course they do.  Even when they are all grown up and have kids of their own and are responsible individuals and have a job and a home and a family, they is still always going to be frustration because of what I just mentioned.  “You don't have time for me anymore?  You can't come and say 'hi'?  You can't say salām to your mom?”

My mom text messages me, which weirds me out.  There is something that seems unnatural about an older Pakistani woman text messaging.  It's like, why do you even know how to text message?  She text messages me and she expects a text message back.  If I don't respond back in the next couple of minutes because I was lecturing or teaching, then I get a follow-up text message with a question mark.  The next one has two question marks.  The third one has three question marks.  “Where are you?”  It's a universal thing to be frustrated with your children.  All of us experience this.

That's one of the situations and dynamics in which we require some guidance and need some direction.  I'm going to lay out some of the key family relationships and what are their issues, and then we are going to talk about implementation of some of the solutions.

Marriage & Spousal Relationship

The second family dynamic that we struggle with and are experiencing problems in regards to is marital discord, starting all the way from pre-marriage, how to get married.  It is a universal problem and has become a very common problem.  You can ask the shaykh.  How many young people show up at his doorstep?  “I want to get married to so-and-so but this problem or her parents or my parents or this or that…”  It starts from there.  Even problems in the marriage.

Sometimes in a rush of emotions or even in religious overzealousness, “I have to avoid the sin and avoid the fitnah and get married.”  Who, when, why, what, how – “Doesn't matter, brother.  It's the Sunnah.”  I'm pretty sure getting married blindly is not the Sunnah, but that's what happens.  Very, very young people are getting married in religious overzealousness or a rush of emotions.  A couple of years into marriage, they realize they didn't know the person they got married to.

It's becoming so common for young people and newlywed couples to be divorced within a number of months or even a couple of years if not a couple of months.  Lack of responsibility in a marriage.  A husband not taking his responsibility seriously.  A wife not behaving responsibly.  When you have young children, so many couples experience marital issues and problems.  Why?  “He is not being a father to his children.”  “She is not being a good mother.”  Lack of responsibility.

In-law interference. 

This is a term I came up with.  You know pass interference for football fans?  In-law interference (TM).  It is a major issue.  You have a clash of cultures and a clash of worlds and dimensions happening.  Is all interference from in-laws bad?  Absolutely not.  Nevertheless, the dynamics of that interference and how that interference is causing problems.  The in-law problem.

Lack of Maturity

Rushing into decisions and rushing into marriage.  Prioritization.  For some people, work comes before the family.  For some people, the religious cause, the organization, the association, the movement, the spreading of the dīn comes before family.  That is becoming a problem.  Families are being torn apart why?  Honestly, this is an oxymoron.  If somebody's family failed because of their service to the dīn and because of da'wah, it doesn't even make sense and is a contradiction.  It is an oxymoron and impossible.  It obviously means that somebody did not understand the dīn or religion.

Lack of Communication

In prioritization, there is another thing.  Sometimes it can be the religion and sometimes it can be work, money, greed, and that is justified by saying, “But I want to give you guys a nice home to live in.  I want to give you guys the life that I never had.  I want our kids to go to the best school.”  What happens because of that?  We destroy the family that we were using for justification to chase after money.

Sometimes it's my own hobbies and indulgences.  “I'm married but I still have to play Modern Warfare all night long with my friends.”  “I'm married but I still have to go to the basketball tournament.  I work all week and Saturday is the basketball tournament and the wife is waiting, and we're finally going to spend some good quality time together but I have to go ball with the boys.”  My own personal hobbies and my own personal indulgences.  This is football country.  I come from Dallas, another football area, so you guys will understand what I'm talking about.  Saturday is college ball and bowl games, which equals twelve hours of fun in front of the television.  “What the spouse does is their problem. I'm sorry, I'm not going to change me.  I'm not changing for anybody.  You married me and that's what you get.  I heard you say, 'I accept,' so you accepted ASU football as well, as terrible as it is.”  Sunday is football – NFL game day.  I have the NFL package where it is 8 screens on the TV at one time.  In a 12-hour period, I watch 15 games simultaneously.  Congratulations.  Mubarak.  Do you want a cookie?  Or maybe a laddoo?  What do you want?

Prioritization

Prioritization and a lack of sense of what the priorities are.  In this culture we have a challenge.  I was born and raised in Dallas, TX.  From this culture's perspective, I will tell you one huge problem we have with prioritization, something that we put before families that is very unique and specific to this culture.  There is a phrase and expression that guides you.  I can't repeat it here.  It is offensive and inappropriate and this is the masjid and House of Allāh, so it's impossible and I wouldn't because it is inappropriate.  They basically say, “bros before ____.”  Don't say it!  They use a very derogatory word about women.  It is basically putting your friends before women even though that word doesn't even apply to a person's wife, astaghfirullāh.

Nevertheless, that same concept is applied to marriage.  “Uh-uh, my friends come first.  Going to hang with the boys.”  This isn't even specific to the guys.  It is even in regards to the women.  If a woman gets married and is a wife now, how dare she not go out with the friends to dinner?  They get shunned and outcast by their unmarried friends.  They get pushed out by their unmarried friends.  This is a real struggle that people are having.  They literally have to reinvent their friends circle and rediscover friends.  First when they get married, the unmarried friends want no part.  “She has no time for us anymore.  She has to go and spend time with her husband.”  Like that is a ridiculous concept.

The young married friends who don't have children say about the first one to have children, “God, she's so lame to hang out with now.  Everything is about a diaper and milk.”  God forbid she be a good mother, right?  Now she is being again outcast by her friends and she has to go out there and discover other mom friends.  This is a struggle people have.  People crumble underneath that pressure.  “My friends have to be put first.  What am I going to do without my friends?”  The marriage, the children, everything will come second.  The marriage struggles because of a lack of prioritization.

Lack of communication.  That's one of the most universal issues and problems.  Never establishing a line of communication let alone being comfortable communicating concerns, problems or even good things.  Nothing is communicated.   Lines of communication are never established.  Again, this is a culture in which we pride ourselves in individuality and independence.  “I'm independent and my own self and I don't need anybody's help.”  That manifests itself and creates problems even in marriages.

Unwillingness to Compromise

“Why should I change anything about myself?  If you don't like the way things are, then you deal with it.”   Complete total lack of compromise.  Absolutely no motivation and no inclination to sacrifice anything.  “I should not have to sacrifice anything.”  This on both sides of the marriage.  I'm not sitting here giving some old school lecture about women having to sacrifice.  This is on both sides.

I feel that especially some of the very unique dynamics we have, I can speak about my generation and our challenges.  I feel that lack of sacrifice and unwillingness to sacrifice exists actually more amongst the guys than it does amongst the girls.  Just complete and total unwillingness to sacrifice anything.

Sibling Rivalry

Then a third manifestation, which I'll talk about more briefly, of family issues or family problems is sibling rivalry.  It's a little more unique that even marriage, but nevertheless it is a problem and issue, whether it is the parents favoring unknowingly and unintentionally one child over another that harbors and creates resentment amongst the children for each other.

As families and parents, we have to learn to be sensitive to the strengths and weaknesses of each and every child.  Be cognizant of what is each child's needs.  If something works for one child, maybe that is not what will work for the other child.  Be cognizant of their specific needs.

Not creating and not fostering an environment of competition amongst the children where they feel they have to compete for the parents' love and approval.  I hate to bring up personal things, but I'll mention it.  Abdullah, the crazy guy running around and setting up all of the gadgetry here, is my younger brother.  From what you see here, that's exactly what you get.  I'm the one talking on the microphone and he is the one recording, editing, and uploading the videos, doing all the back-end video work, but there's not a sense of competition.  We have to learn to appreciate what everybody brings to the table.  We have to learn to respect everybody and not compete with each other in regards to what we are doing.  We need to not create an environment of competition but one of collaboration.  When we collaborate and come together, how unbelievable of a strong unit we can become as a family and siblings and brothers and sisters.

I know I'm going to date myself with this reference, but does anybody remember Voltron?  It's like Voltron.  For somebody a little younger, Captain Planet.

Solutions

What are some solutions that we can begin to implement to repair this family situation?

1.  Spirituality

I talked about this in the beginning, and I'll bring it up here again.  When we repair our relationship with Allāh – understand that our relationship with Allāh is the basis and foundation of everything in our lives.  This is something we say in the Qurʾān, this is something we say in adhkār, this is something we say in supplications and du'ā's.  That is:  “Allāh is the source of all blessings.  Allāh is the One that grants blessings.”

There are aḥadīth and traditions and narrations to the effect that when we repair our relationship with Allāh, Allāh will repair everything else.  When a person is beloved to Allāh, Allāh has what announcement made in the heavens and on the earth as well?  “Allāh says, 'I love him, so everybody else love him as well.  O Jibrīl, I love him so you love him.'  Jibrīl says, 'Allāh loves him, I love him, so all of the inhabitants of heaven love him.'”  The inhabitants of the heavens, the malā'ikah, come down to the earth and say what?  “Allāh loves him, Jibrīl loves, we love him, so therefore all of you love him or her.”

When we fix things with Allāh, Allāh will but barakah and blessings in everything else in our lives.  This is something that is very obvious.  That's why the Prophet said, “Tell your families to pray, and you be regular and punctual about prayer yourself. You be steadfast about the prayer yourself.  Tie yourself upon the prayer.”

Talking about the parent-child relationship, we have to learn to repair our relationships.  The parents must repair their relationships with Allāh.  That is why we are taught a du'ā':  “Rabbana habb lana min azwājina wa dhurriyyātina qurrata a'yun waj'alna lilmuttaqīna imāma.”  Make our spouses and our children the coolness of our eyes, and make all of us the leaders of the muttaqīn.  We have to repair spirituality – the parents and the children – and do it together as a family.  Pray together as a family.  Make du'ā'.  First fix your relationship with Allāh, and that will put barakah and blessings and start to repair the relationship with the family members.

Marriage:  In āyah 238 of Sūrat'l-Baqarah, Allāh says, “Very carefully, very cautiously, very diligently watch over the prayers.”  Do you know what is very interesting about this ayah?  Allāh mentions this ayah in the middle of a passage which talks about divorce.  In the middle of giving us advice about divorce, Allāh says, “Watch over the prayers.”  Why?  Because maybe you are having problems in your marriage because you are having problems with your relationship with Allāh.  Go back and fix your relationship with Allāh and put barakah and blessings and raḥmah and the Mercy of Allāh back into your marriage.

The houses in which Qurʾān is recited, the inhabitants of the heavens and skies have the stars shine onto the inhabitants of the earth.  Our houses become filled with nūr and barakah and blessing when we recite Qurʾān in them.  The Prophet would pray the farḍ daily prayers in the masjid.  Where would he pray his sunnah and nawāfil prayers?  In the home.  Do you know what that means for the Prophet ?  This is the masjid and that's the home.  Do you see the difference?  He would take four steps and be in his home, but he would still go and make the distinction and establish the fact that he would take those four steps, cross through the curtain, and pray in the home where the wife and family members were.  Bring spirituality back into your life, home, parent-child relationship, and marriage and see how it repairs.

When you have spirituality and a good relationship with Allāh, it makes you secure in yourself.  It gives you confidence and removes the insecurities.  The parents are not insecure about their children.  The children are not so constantly skeptical or paranoid about the parents.  Even sibling rivalry – they become secure in themselves through their relationship with Allāh.

The Prophet of Allāh was told this same point.  In Sūrah Ya Sīn, Allāh says, “Don't doubt yourself, you are most definitely from the messengers.”  It gives you that sense of security.  First spirituality needs to be re-established.  We need to fix the relationship with Allāh.  Family relationships will start to get better.

2.  Establishing Communication

The second basic step is establishing communication. If you don't have it, establish it, as awkward and as difficult as that might be.  Initially when you establish communication, it is like pulling teeth, but establish it.  If you have it, then broaden it and work on it and continue to build on it and maintain it.  Open it further.  Communication is very important.

I told you how Allāh presents certain difficult parent-child relationships in the Qurʾān.  Allāh also presents beautiful parent-child relationships in the Qurʾān.  Luqmān does what to his son?  Does he yell at him?  Does he say, “Hey, you stupid boy, come here”?  He says, “Ya bunaya,” which literally means in Arabic “my small son.”  This is an Arabic expression for saying “my dear son, my beloved son.” Like when you have a nickname for your child, when you speak to your child with love.  He talks to his child.  He is advising him, not lecturing him and not wagging his finger at him.  He is not yelling at him.  He is not scolding him and not constantly telling his son how disappointed he is in him.  He is having a conversation with his son.  “My dear son.”

Yūsuf sees a dream, a life-altering and life-changing dream.  What did he do with that dream?  Go and tell his friends?  Text message his friends?  Updates his Facebook status?  No.  He goes and talks to his father.  He says, “Ya abati (my dear, dear father),…”  He speaks to his father and communicates to his father.

The Prophet , the best husband of all times, did what?  He would communicate with his wives. 'Ā'ishah says, “I never saw anyone do more counsel and shūrah than the Prophet .  Nobody would consult in anything more – not just community affairs or religious affairs but even the affairs of the home.  He would talk to us.  He would communicate to us.”  At Ḥudaybiyyah when the Prophet was frustrated at the ṣaḥābah who were dumbfounded and speechless, he is telling them to shave their heads, sacrifice their animals, and open their iḥrām, and they were not getting up and going because they were dumbfounded and overwhelmed and almost traumatized by what happened that they have to go back without doing 'Umrah, the Prophet did what?  Who does he speak to?  His wife, Umm Salamah.  He speaks to his wife about being a prophet and the affairs of prophethood.  He communicates.  He doesn't go there and throw a fit.  “Where is my food?  Why is this place always dirty?  What is wrong with you?  Why are you looking at me like that?  What is your problem?  Why are the kids always making noise?”  He doesn't take it out on her.  He goes in there and says, “I don't know what to do.  What is wrong?  They are just not moving.”  It's not like they are not listening or not obeying.  Wa na'ūdhu billāh.  These are the ṣaḥābah .  But they are dumbfounded and traumatized.  She gives him advice, and subḥānAllāh that advice works.

The wives of the Prophet felt so comfortable openly speaking to him.  There is a famous story about Umar saying something to his wife, and his wife says, “Uh-uh.  I ain't about to do that.  I don't agree with you.”  From back in the day and old school mentality of Makkah and the Quraysh, he was like, “What?  Did you just speak back to me?”  She says, “Yes.  What's wrong with that? The Prophet doesn't mind.”  “What do you mean the Prophet doesn't mind?”  The daughter of 'Umar , Ḥafṣah, was one of the wives of the Prophet , umm'l-mu'minīn.  “She speaks emotionally and he doesn't mind.”  He says, “What?”  He rushes over there and says, “Girl, have you lost your mind?  You speak back to the Prophet of Allāh ?”  She says, “No, it's communication.  He tells us to speak our minds.  He asks us what we think about things.  He doesn't mind.”  Communication.  It helps in the parent-child relationship as we see in the example of Luqmān and Yūsuf.  It most definitely helps in a marriage.

Establishing communication.  Then paying attention to how you communicate.  In a parent-child relationship, the parent might say, “Yeah, I talk to him everyday.”  But if all you say to your child is “clean up your room,” then yes, you speak to your child everyday.  “Clean up your room.  Did you do your homework?  Why do you fail your tests?  Why are you so stupid?”  If you speak to your child, that is not enough.  How you communicate matters as well.  What do you say?  How do you speak?  Lovingly.  Kindly.

When spouses speak to each other, if everything is a sarcastic jab: “So you didn't make food today, huh?” – that is not a question, by the way.  You know that is not a question.  “Oh, so I guess you are busy today, huh?”  That is not a question.  That's a slap in the face.  Nothing good comes from communication like that.  You have to give the benefit of the doubt and be open and loving and caring and considerate.

Having credibility and understand when you start to communicate, the problem will not fix itself overnight.  One day you try to have a nice conversation:  “What's going on with you?  I hope you are doing well.  Everything is good.”  And for now you have a history of ten or fifteen years of bad communication and have one nice twenty-minute conversation and the other side is not warming up to you yet, don't be like “See, you are obviously wrong.  I tried and I was nice, and it didn't work.  See, it doesn't work.  My way works.  You don't know what you are talking about.”  It doesn't change overnight.

The Prophet of Allāh was ṣādiq'l-amīn and then he presented the message.  You have to have some credibility and establish that credibility.  You have to establish trust, and it won't happen overnight.

3.  Prioritization

Spirituality, communication, and the third area where we can work on to improve these family relationships is like what I mentioned extensively:  prioritization.  We have to put these family relationships in the right priority, and that is making time for family whether that is a parent-child relationship or a spousal relationship, make time for each other.  Even the sibling rivalry can be solved by spending time together and making time for each other.

Just as a clarification for the father who works tirelessly, and that is fine and respected, but understand that you might say, “I spend eight hours a day at home,” but you spend those eight hours a day sleeping on your face.”  That doesn't count as family time.  “You know, I come home, don't I?”  Yeah you come home, use the bathroom, and go to sleep.  That doesn't count as spending time with your spouse.  You have to spend good, quality family time with each other.  You have to make time for each other.  Put each other as a first priority.

Here comes the shocking part.  We have to redefine the boundaries of 'ibādah.  There is no guilt in spending time with family.  Yes, it should not deter you from your basic responsibilities to Allāh .  Ṣalāh is ṣalāh.  Prayer is prayer.  But at the same time we do have to redefine the boundaries of 'ibādah, of nafl (extra worship).  Having a nice, quiet intimate dinner with your spouse and having a candlelit dinner with your wife is 'ibādah.  It is a virtuous deed.  Good deed.  Reward.  Yes!  I'm not crazy.

You know when you wrestle around with your children and play with your kids – my kids are young – and play hide-and-go-seek (where my daughter constantly cheats, all the time, so when it's my turn to hide and her turn to seek, she counts while looking at me.)  Alḥamdulillāh, I've developed a lot of upper body strength.  Do you know how?  Swings.  Non-stop.  These kids never get tired. I think there's a possibility my daughters could grow up to be pilots.  They never get tired of being on a swing.  My younger one is two-years old, and the first thing she does after she wakes up in the morning is go to the backdoor because we have a swing set in the backyard, and she says, “Outside!”  That is code for “let me outside.”  She doesn't waste a lot of time and is very impatient.  If her request is not immediately obliged, then the second time, “Outside!”  And the third time, it is a straight up scream.  “Outside!!!”  Spending quality time with them.  Making time for them.  You know what?  Playing hide-and-go-seek with your kids and pushing them on the swings is an act of worship.  It is an act of 'ibādah.

The Messenger of Allāh told the ṣaḥābah that when spouses (husband and wife) experience intimacy with each other – I'm going to speak in general terms because we have a broad audience.  When a husband and wife experience intimacy with each other, physical intimacy, the Prophet of Allāh said, “It is a virtuous act.”  The ṣaḥābah were shocked just as much as you probably are.  Are you serious?  Is that for real?  The Prophet of Allāh had very simple logic.  If you were to commit the same physical act outside of a marriage, would it be a sin?  Yes.  This is an act of reward and an act of virtue in marriage.  What lesson we learn from that is engaging in the actual relationship and seeking emotional pleasure in the relationship is a virtuous act and an act of reward.

Something that is established through research and something I learned a practical lesson from my own father as a role model for me was:  My dad was very involved at the masjid and one of the founders of the masjid that we all grew up going to, and alḥamdulillāh at retirement age he was able to found another masjid in a new area we moved to.  My uncles and dad were always involved in this frontline, and māshā'Allāh alḥamdulillāh I learned from them.  But you know, one thing though?  Being on the board of the masjid, being a founder of the masjid, being involved in the da'wah activity at the masjid, it never got in the way of the family and was never put before family.  There could be a meeting going on in the masjid and my dad would get a call and he would say, “Excuse me, I'm not going to be able to make it to the meeting at the masjid.  If that gets me kicked off the board, fine then kick me off.”  My dad owned his own business, by the way.  How many people here own their own business?  A businessman knows that the job never ends.  A businessman never clocks out.  A businessman lives, eats, and sleeps his business.  But everyday there was a cut-off time for my dad.  5 o'clock, done.  Doors closed, the phone goes off.  “You'll pay extra if I come right now?  It's okay, I guess I'll just see you tomorrow.  You're going to go to somebody else?  Then I guess you'll go to somebody else.   My rizq is given by Allāh.  I'm not going to sacrifice my family.”  5 o'clock everyday.  Then he came home and sat with us, talked to us, played with us, helped us with our homework.  Then we ate dinner together as a family.  Then when dinner was done, he went for ṣalāt'l-'ishā'at the masjid and I went with him.  But that was every single day.  Nothing would get in the way of that.  Not the business, not the meeting at the masjid, not the da'wah activity, nothing.  Family first.

We have to learn that prioritization and that attitude, redefining these boundaries of 'ibādah and worship and understanding what's important.  It's very, very important that we understand what's important.

The Center for Substance Abuse and Addiction at Columbia University published research and Time magazine ran the story in June 2006.  I recommend you go and look it up and read it.  It talks about how families and homes where they eat one meal together every single day are happier, healthier homes and families because they spend quality time together.

One of the recommendations that I mentioned from the Qurʾān is praying ṣalāh together.  Merge family time and spirituality together.  When you are going to go to the park, pray ẓuhr and then head out to the park.  You are going to go for ice cream?  Pray  'ishā' and then go out for ice cream.  Merge these together and create a positive association.  That is how you can do tarbiyah with your family and children and instill the dīn within your children.  Eating meals together brings the hearts together.

4. Expressing Love & Appreciation

The fourth area that we can work on is expressing love and appreciation for each other.  There is no such thing as showing too much love.  Expectations have its place, rules and boundaries have their place.  I'm not talking about that.  We confuse love with those things.  Have discipline, have boundaries, have limitations, have rules, have consequences.  Have all of that, but express love.  Tell your children how much you love them.  Tell your spouse how much you love them.  Show appreciation.  Don't just have appreciation.  “Oh, but I do appreciate you.  Do I have to show it?  Do I have to buy you flowers?”  Yes, you do!  Do you have to take her out for a nice meal?  Yes.  Do I have to tell you how much I love you, and do I have to hug and kiss you?  Yes!  Very, very, very important!

I understand that this breaks certain cultural taboos.  In certain cultures, its awkward and strange for a father to tell his children “I love you” when they put them to bed at night and when they wake up in the morning and when they salām. “Al-salāmu 'alaykum.  How are you guys doing?  Everything is ok?  I love you guys.”  I know that it seems awkward or taboo in certain cultures, but again, I go back to the very first point that I made, you have to understand where you children are coming from.  You have to understand human expectations and in the parent-child relationship and marital relationship, expressing love and appreciation.

5. Make Du'ā'

The last and final point I'll make here:  make du'ā'.  Never forget to make du'ā'.  Allāh taught us a comprehensive du'ā':  “Rabbana habb lana min azwājina wa dhurriyyātina qurrata a'yun waj'alna lilmuttaqīna imāma.”   Coolness of the eyes.  Do you know what coolness of the eyes means?  It is an ancient Arabic expression.  To understand an expression sometimes, you have to look at them and understand them from the perspective of the people who used that expression.  You have to understand it from their perspective.  The ancient Arabs would say this.  You guys living in Arizona will be able to relate to this.  Imagine the summer time in the middle of the desert.   It is 120 degrees outside, but imagine you don't have these comfortable buildings and structures.  Imagine you don't have air conditioning and fans.  You are out there in the middle of the desert in the scorching heat.  Hot winds are blowing the hot sand into your eyes.  Even now with air conditioning and everything that you have, sometimes in the summer how dry do your eyes get?  How irritated do your eyes become, and how much do they itch?  Imagine being out in the desert without all this luxury and experiencing that.  Your eyes feel like they are on fire.  Your eyes feel like you want to rip them out and scratch them until they are gone.  Then you come across some cool, clean water, and you take that water and splash it into your eyes and on your face.  How refreshing and invigorating and how amazing that would feel.

We are saying, “O Allāh, when I look at my spouse, when I look at my children, make it feel like I just splashed cool, clean water in my eyes and face.  Refresh me.  And make all of us from the muttaqīn imams and leaders of the most pious and righteous.  Make us role models for generations to come.”

In connection with this, these are just like I said initially, some topics and concerns that have been on my mind for a long, long time. As you see from the context of the Qurʾān and sīrah and ḥadīth of the Prophet , this is a very core concept of our religion and faith and this is a basic human need and concern. Alḥamdulillāh, this is just a short conversation that I wanted to share.  This is part of a larger project that I am embarking on through Qalam Institute.  We are going to have a traveling program called Happiness in the Home where we will be traveling around the country to different communities and have a full seminar talking about some of these concerns and implementing more practical solutions so we can better the condition and situation of families throughout our communities, inshā'Allāh.

These are just some thoughts and things that I wanted to share with the community here today.  Again I want to thank you for being patient and listening and being attentive.  I hope and I pray that this was a source of benefit for everyone.  Jazākum Allāh khayran.

May Allāh accept from all of us and give us the ability to practice that which we have heard.  Al-salāmu 'alaykum wa raḥmatullāh.

الَّذِينَ يُنفِقُونَ فِي السَّرَّاءِ وَالضَّرَّاءِ وَالْكَاظِمِينَ الْغَيْظَ وَالْعَافِينَ عَنِ النَّاسِ ۗ وَاللَّهُ يُحِبُّ الْمُحْسِنِينَ