Now, as I raise my own children, I have completely abandoned any foul words, even slightly impolite, like stupid, idiot, 'what the hell', 'I don't care', freakin', flippin', 'I hate you', etc. And I have enforced the same values on them. For a very long time, they thought the S-word was stupid and the F-word meant funky; they were corrected at a masjid in the US.

It was easier to enforce this standard of language when they were homeschooled. However, as they have stepped into the “real” world, i.e. started school, and extended their circle of friends, they are becoming accustomed to hearing many of these words. Unfortunately, using swear words is very common at schools, and “slightly impolite” words are considered normal among Muslim and non-Muslim kids equally.

Back in my high school, I once had a discussion with a class fellow on the ineffectiveness of profanity. He believed profanity had to be used to emphasize a point. I remember him asking, “How will you describe a gorgeous looking girl without saying, 'she is so f****** beautiful'?” While I didn't see any reason why profanity had to be used to accentuate a point, he sincerely couldn't understand otherwise. As much as I would like to think that this was the mindset of someone who didn't know the importance of good words, Muslims have not shown any better conduct.

Regrettably, like many other issues, language has also taken a downfall in the past decade. Profanity has become so ordinary that mean words don't even sound foul anymore. Alḥamdulillāh, my children do not use any cuss words, but I wonder how long someone could refrain from using words they hear 5 to 6 hours a day, every day. It is becoming harder to find them friends, Eastern or Western, who don't habitually swear, forget the “slightly impolite” words. Children even swear at each other's parents. If someone refrains from cursing back, he/she is considered a “wuss”. My standard of clean language is starting to appear a bit utopian!

Islam urges us to use pleasant speech and decent words. Selection of words distinguishes a human being and is a means to achieve Paradise or Hellfire. Countless aḥadīth emphasize the necessity of safeguarding one's tongue, and a number of verses mention the virtues of using good words. Allah 'azza wa jall compares good words to a virtuous tree:

أَلَمْ تَرَ كَيْفَ ضَرَبَ اللَّهُ مَثَلًا كَلِمَةً طَيِّبَةً كَشَجَرَةٍ طَيِّبَةٍ أَصْلُهَا ثَابِتٌ وَفَرْعُهَا فِي السَّمَاءِ تُؤْتِي أُكُلَهَا كُلَّ حِينٍ بِإِذْنِ  رَبِّهَا

“Have you not considered how Allah presents an example, a good word like a good tree, whose root is firmly fixed and its branches in the sky? It produces its fruit all the time, by permission of its Lord.” (14:24-25)

He 'azza wa jall has ordered the believers to say:

وَقُولُوا لِلنَّاسِ حُسْنًا  “And speak to people good [words].” (2:83)

وَقُولُوا لَهُمْ قَوْلًا مَّعْرُوفًا   “And speak to them words of appropriate kindness.” (4:5)

And Allah 'azza wa jall informed us:

إِلَيْهِ يَصْعَدُ الْكَلِمُ الطَّيِّبُ
“Whoever desires honor – then to Allah belongs all honor. To Him ascends good speech, and righteous work raises it.” (35:10)

While our religion holds good, pure language in high esteem, our youth (and adults) have succumbed to the use of profanity. It is heart-breaking to see even the good children use:

• vulgar jokes
• profanity to emphasize a point
• swear at others
• insult friends as a sign of “friendship”
• use words that contain a demeaning/disparaging tone as a normal way of communication

Allah 'azza wa jall commands us:

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا اتَّقُوا اللَّهَ وَقُولُوا قَوْلًا سَدِيدًا
“O you who have believed, fear Allah and speak words of appropriate justice.” (33:70)

قَوْلًا سَدِيدًا  is defined as:

قَوْلً: This is the speech that is released from a person's mouth and reflects his inner self.
سَدِيدًا: indicates shooting an arrow that hits the target without even slightly deviating, i.e. it leaves the bow and goes straight to the target.

Concurrently, it means a word/statement that is said without adding anything useless to it. In other words, a speech conveyed in the most cleanly and pure form. It has also been explained as:

“Together it consists of obligatory statements, righteous and beneficial statements, like salutation with salaam, and good words that brings about happiness in the hearts of the believers, and improvement among people.”[i]

What possible benefit, blessings or goodness can using words like damn, flippin', freakin', or other insulting words bring in a believer's life?

Aim for the Stars

We must keep in mind that often we achieve less than what we had originally aimed to achieve. If we only aim for keeping our children from using swear words, the chances are our results will slouch at some point, and they may actually end up using profanity. However, if we try to aim high, and keep away from any insulting words or words that have no beneficial meaning, then even if we achieve less than our goal, inshaAllah they will still be safe from using profanity. And if we achieve our goal then alhamdullilah we definitely, with Allah's help, have raised our children to a higher moral standard and kept them from اللغو.

اللغو: generally means any word/speech that is purposeless, does not bring about any benefit and is considered ill-speech.[ii]

Allah 'azza wa jall told us that the people of Jannah will be safe from اللغو:

ا يَسْمَعُونَ فِيهَا لَغْوًا
“They will not hear therein ill speech…” (56:25)

Most importantly, Allah 'azza wa jall described those believers who are successful as:

وَالَّذِينَ هُمْ عَنِ اللَّغْوِ مُعْرِضُونَ
 “And they who turn away from ill speech.” (23:3)

Benefits of Pleasant Speech & Good Words

I now conclude with the last part of the verse from Sūrat'l-Aḥzāb. Though Allah commands us to say قَوْلًا سَدِيدًا, He gives us an incentive:

يُصْلِحْ لَكُمْ أَعْمَالَكُمْ وَيَغْفِرْ لَكُمْ ذُنُوبَكُمْ
“He will [then] amend for you your deeds and forgive you your sins.”

The result of using righteous words and pleasant speech leads towards Allah's forgiveness. Allah 'azza wa jall improves and corrects one's action and replaces the bad deeds and forgives one's sins. This is the reward of those who are mindful of their speech and selective of their words so much so that using insults towards others doesn't suit their personality anymore.

Would we not want our children's actions to be corrected? What wouldn't we give up to get their sins forgiven by Ar- Raḥmān? What wouldn't we do to have Allah Himself, 'azza wa jall, monitor their actions?

Knowing the blessings and excellence of clean language should only makes us more fervent to instill the habit of using good words and eliminating any foul/insulting words from their daily language. Hence, I urge parents to carefully monitor the selection of their children's words and their own words at home.

May Allah 'azza wa jall give us and our children tawfīq to use قَوْلًا سَدِيدًا.

[i] http://www.islamweb.net/media/index.php?page=article&lang=A&id=148349

[ii] http://www.dralsherif.net/Fatwa.aspx?SectionID=4&RefID=1212

Her abusive relationship has brought her to the point of wishing for her husband's death, but she is unwilling to get out of the marriage for only one reason: financial instability. Her husband is the breadwinner and she left her studies to convert and marry him. If she leaves the marriage, she will not have anyone to support her or her children.

Another sister is in a worse situation; her husband not only verbally abuses her, but also suffers a sexual addiction. She also remains in her marriage because she is unable to financially support herself and her children. She says if anyone from her family could buy her an accommodation she would leave her husband the same day.

When it comes to domestic violence or abusive relationships, the issues of shame and dishonor have often been addressed. However, there are other reasons why women endure:

Financial Support

Many Muslim women endure domestic violence because they do not have the financial means to support themselves or their children. In most cases, husbands are the sole breadwinner and the wife becomes highly dependent on him for financial support. She would rather take the abuse than try to become financially independent.

Lack of Academic Education

Even in current times, many parents continue to put more emphasis on their sons' education and undermine that of their daughters. As soon as a good suitor approaches, parents marry their daughters off without taking any future commitments to the completion of her education.

Complications in Remarrying

It is a well-known fact that divorced Muslim women have a hard time remarrying, especially if they have children. The fear of living a life without a husband seems more difficult than having one who is abusive.

Self-Image

Sometimes women with education and financial stability tolerate domestic violence just to maintain the image of being in a stable relationship. In their minds, an unsuccessful marriage is conceived as a failure on their part. Their ego stops them from being known as the “victims” of domestic violence.

For the Children's Sake

At other times women drag along their relationship just so that their children don't have to grow up in broken homes. They believe a family with a mother and father is better than one with a single parent.

Should Women Endure?

No matter what the reason may be, there is no excuse for enduring injustice. Unfortunately, in many cultures, there is so much negativity associated with seeking help through a third party and/or pursuing a divorce, that many women willingly endure domestic violence rather than protect their rights.

1.    Seek Help

First, let us realize that not every case of domestic violence has to end in divorce. True, there are cases that definitely require a divorce, but there are other cases that can be sorted out without one. One may never know until they seek professional help.

2.    Your Marriage is not SOLELY your Responsibility

Do not be deceived into thinking that you are the one responsible for disclosing the “secrets” of your marriage by seeking help. You need help, your spouse needs help and your marriage needs help. If your spouse was sick, would you not go to the doctor to help explain his/her situation? Only selective people need to know what is happening in your marriage. Seek help though a professional and through close family members and friends whom you can trust.

3.    Evil Effects on Children

You will not be putting your children though any “embarrassing” situation should you seek help though a third party. They will, in fact, appreciate any help you can get to resolve the issue, rather than growing up watching their mother being abused by their father.

In case the solution is a divorce, again it is better for the children to grow up in an outwardly broken home rather than growing up, emotionally traumatized, in an internally broken home, trying to keep it a secret.

Complications of Remarriage, Financial Instability, and the Muslim Community:

In cases where the solution is divorce from an abusive relationship, the quandaries of remarriage and financial support need answers. We are not living in the time of the ṣaḥābah, where divorced/widowed women had no difficulty in remarrying. It is not practical for women to live a single life. Even when offering polygamy as a solution, hardly any brothers are willing to marry a divorcee with children.

Neither are we living in 'Umar 's time, who had set up an excellent support system for single women with no male family member to support them. Many sisters in the US do not work, and solely rely upon the husband for financial support.

Please do not misunderstand me. I am not suggesting that due to these challenges a destructive marriage needs to drag, rather I am encouraging the Muslim communities to think of solutions for these issues.

“He [Allāh] will make for him of his matter ease.”

While we find the practical solutions, let me remind my sisters and brothers who want to leave an abusive marriage to put their trust in Allāh as He instructed us.

“And whoever fears Allāh – He will make for him a way out And will provide for him from where he does not expect. And whoever relies upon Allāh – then He is sufficient for him.” (Al-Ṭalāq: 2-3)

It is interesting that Sūrat'l-Ṭalāq (divorce) is full of verses reminding us about putting tawakkul in Allāh and solely relying on Him for support. There are several reminders in this surah that Allāh will bring ease and Allāh will not overburden a soul, subhanAllāh.

Tie your Camel

When a family member was getting married, her husband-to-be, who is a very practicing brother mashaAllah, did not deem it necessary for his wife to complete her education. Though her parents wanted her to, they didn't want to miss the good proposal either. The suitor promised that he will provide his best for her as long as he lives, and in case anything was to happen to him, then his wife should put tawakkul in Allāh and make the best of her situation.

Alhamdullilah the need never arose and the parents didn't have to regret their decision. But, there are other cases where the husband turns out to be a very different person than what he had appeared initially. Daughters have to make the “best of their situation”.

I believe the necessity of educating our daughters (not to mention the importance of education itself) is vital, especially in our times. I am a proponent of early marriages, but I also believe that a higher education for our daughters is “tying your camel's rope”. Allah knows best.

Parents will have to come up with ways to support both early marriage and education without one becoming a hindrance to the other.

May Allāh protect Muslim families, bless their marriages with love and harmony, and protect our children and bless them with salih spouses, amin ya rabb.

A piece of cloth that made me look different, caused many to stare and laugh at me, slowly became my pride. It was not just ḥijāb anymore; it made me realize what it meant to do something for no other purpose than to please Allāh alone; to be tested and along the way to become stronger (inshā'Allāh).

Ḥijāb became a responsibility. It was a symbol or worship and servitude to Allah azzawajal. I was representing my dīn every time I stepped out of my house. I started enjoying being an ambassador. I used my ḥijāb to avail every opportunity to make da'wah.

There were tough times too, especially when my children started growing older and noticed their mother was different from others. There were times when they stood out just because their mother looked different. Or when the kids around the corner laughed at my young daughter asking “Hey what's on your head?”. It was then that I felt uneasy exposing my children to an unnecessary challenge. I felt the need to escape away to a place where wearing ḥijāb was not difficult, rather part of the norm. Little did I realize that it was those difficulties and challenges that had transformed ḥijāb into my pride.

We moved to a place where ḥijāb was everywhere. It was not difficult to cover anymore, no one laughed at ḥijāb. Stares? That is another discussion!

In the West, ḥijāb is frequently misunderstood as “cultural”. I was often appalled at this misrepresentation. It was not until I moved to the Middle East that I understood the grounds of Western arguments. I realized accusing ḥijāb as a cultural practice forced on women by their men folk, holds water.

Ḥijāb and jilbabs are very common here, but the oppression is reflected through the way ḥijāb is worn. Sometimes, it feels like women are in a prison waiting to break out. A sheer piece of black cloth carelessly resting midway across their head, the layers of hair slipping attractively out from the front makes these women look no less stunning than Princess Jasmine. Layers and layers of make up makes me wonder if they get ready at salons every day. Many women use artificial hair-buns under their hijabs, making it look like a perfect “camel-hump”.

Many women wear front-open abayas that split open up at every step they take; a glance of their tight skinny jeans and high heeled sandals only make them seem far more alluring.

That's not all. Jilbabs are tight. Some women cover their faces (which is mostly forced by their families) but their skin-tight jilbabs, designed especially to enhance body curves, are enough to catch anyone's attention; forget the faces.

Many women here do not want to wear ḥijāb but are forced to by their families.  One of my local teachers at Qatar University informed me that her brothers can never find out she doesn't cover her face at the university or she will be forced to quit. I don't know how ḥijāb evolved into culture, but unfortunately it did. Even the welcoming package and little leaflets designed for expatriates introduce ḥijāb as a cultural dress code.

I wonder what impression all those non-Muslim expatriates take back to their respective countries. Can they be blamed for accusing Muslims  of imposing ḥijāb on women?

The other day, during the PTA meeting, two of the European moms asked me if I was wearing “all this” to adapt to the local culture!

I have never been asked about my ḥijāb from this perspective before. At first I was confused, but as their question sank in, I was ashamed. It took me a few minutes to answer their question, but, alhamdulillah, that day they left with a better understanding of ḥijāb.

There is always khayr in whatever happens in our lives; I learned a lot from my move that I might have never learned otherwise. Firstly, difficulties and challenges are not unnecessary, rather, they reform us.

Secondly, not all Western accusations are unfounded.

We should realize that it is partially our own fault that ḥijāb is misunderstood. Had our  Muslim brethren not sent out the wrong message, much against ḥijāb would have been easier to clarify. Some progressive females, who label ḥijāb as a forced cultural practice, are as ignorant of ḥijāb as many Muslim women in “Muslim” countries. We have a lot of work to do from within. At times, it seems easier to make da'wah to non-Muslims than Muslims themselves. May Allāh make the real knowledge of Islam sink into our hearts and return us our glory and 'izzah that we have lost at our own hands.

Unfortunately this is a common scenario among many Muslim married sisters. In fact, one of the most common complaints husbands have against their wives is that the wives don't beautify themselves at home.

I have personally observed many Muslim sisters stop taking care of themselves once they get married. Some married sisters only dress up when they go out and while others don't even bother with that. For some, abaya and hijab become a perfect “cover up” for outside the house and a t-shirt and sweat pants become the perfect lounge-wear for inside the house!

Reasons Why Sisters Don't Dress Up:
I cannot generalize the reasons why sisters stop taking interest in taking care of themselves at home, but I want to highlight 2 main points:

1. Once married to a practicing brother, sisters assume their knight in shining armor won't be interested in their looks but, rather, in their imaan. They believe their beauty lies in their “piety.”
2. Husbands don't express their desire in seeing their wives dressed up. Or, when their wives dress up, they don't bother to compliment them, which confuses the wife into thinking, “He does not care.”

Beauty and Piety are Two Separate Characteristics:
Let's remember, piety may add to a person's inner beauty which may reflect through physical appearance; however, they both are independent characteristics.

There is no prohibition in looking good; in fact, to physically beautify oneself to please one's husband and keep him happy is not only a praiseworthy act but also a means to earn reward from Allah azza wa jall.

When the Prophet sallallahu alihi wasalam was asked which woman was best, he replied, “The one who pleases (her husband) when he looks at her, obeys him when he gives a command….” (Nasa'i)

Hence, sisters, please on a daily basis before your husband returns home:

• Take a shower (make sure you are not smelling like food)
• Change your clothes.
• Wash your face with cleanser/scrub.
• Put light make up on. Please don't use the excuse, “I don't know how to.”
• Wear some jewelry.
• Show some creativity with your hair. Remember frizzy hair can be taken care of with gel, mousse, hair spray, hair straightener etc.
• Use your perfume everyday and not only when you visit a friend.

Moreover, try to get a facial done once in a while. If you can't afford to, there are millions of products available at very reasonable prices for home facials/deep cleaning.

Dear sisters, abaya should not be used to cover up weight gain, and neither should the hijab keep frizzy/unkempt hair covered. I understand that a t-shirt and sweat pants are the most comfortable clothing but it needs to be changed before your husband get back home.

Husbands: Pay Attention & Don't be Stingy with Words:
In the early days of marriage, since husbands are “new,” it is important to look good. As the time passes and the couple becomes more comfortable around each other, it is only natural to become more informal. I remember the first time I wore my glasses in front of my husband was after SIX months of our marriage!

Compliments are incentives for looking good. For non-hijaabis it is easier to stay focused about their looks since their appearance is visible in public.

On the other hand, once a person is covered behind abaya and hijaab, it is easier to become careless about one's appearance; besides, “who is going to look?”. This is where a husband's attention and compliments become essential.  A wife desires attention from her husband. If she feels her husband appreciates her dressing up and taking care of herself, it will encourage her to take care of herself. Hence, husbands please:

• Pay attention to your wife on a daily basis
• Show interest in her looks, clothes and her overall appearance
• Encourage her by buying her clothes you would like her to wear
• When she is dressed up, make sure you praise her.
• When she is not, remind her gently

Marriage is a mutual bond of understanding and give and take. This issue, too, requires an effort on both sides.

And finally, it's never too late to start young.  Parents, some advice for your young girls:

• Train your daughters to take care of themselves from a young age.
• Instill a habit of working out regularly so they become accustomed to maintaining their physique.
• Allow them to wear jewelry at home and even let them experiment with make up so when they get married and should be adorning themselves for their husbands, the intimidation factor isn't there. Wearing make-up and jewelry won't become a burden, but rather a daily ritual.
• Train them to dress nicely and keep a pleasant demeanor every day at home in front of their family.

By taking these subtle steps you prepare them for some lifelong habits that will only make their marital life more pleasant inshaAllah.

Sticks and Stones May Break my Bones but Words will never Hurt Me….

“My husband thinks I am stupid. He thinks I can never learn Arabic because I don't have the brains to.” A sister said while she was seeking advice about her marital discords.  She has been married for more than 10 years and has been verbally abused throughout her marital life.  When I first met her, she appeared very unconfident and insecure. I was not sure if she had always been like that or if the marital verbal abuse had turned her into a self-doubting, vulnerable person.

According to her, her husband puts her down and calls her all sorts of names even in front of the children. He constantly undermines her abilities and compares her with other “accomplished” women. He is very judgmental and I realized that she has no more self-esteem left in her.

She described her husband as someone who loves to criticize her, calls her all kinds of degrading names, even in the presence of their children. He undermines her abilities and compares her with other“accomplished” women. It seems like that he had been very judgmental throughout their marital life and perhaps that is the reason why she has no more self-esteem left in her.

Unfortunately, this is not the case with just one family, rather verbal abuse in marital relationships has been a major problem in the Muslim communities.

Perhaps it is phrases like, 'sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me,' that is not only inherently wrong but has encouraged verbal abuse and underestimated its evil affects on the abused. The truth of the matter is that verbal abuse hurt as badly if not more than the physical abuse.

Confusion about Verbal Abuse vs. Physical Abuse:

Those men and women who have not been physically abused by their wives and husbands but are verbally abused on a daily basis remain confused whether or not they are in a damaging relationship.

Unlike physical abuse, verbal abuse is difficult to identify. Once a person has been hit, it is a physical abuse. There is no need to be confused because the bruises are visible. On the other hand, verbal abuse is more dangerous because there is no “apparent” damage. Yet, it causes internal destruction, leaves invisible scars, wounded spirit and low self-esteem.

Verbal abuse can be done by either spouse. In some cases, the perpetrator is the wife who not only verbally abuses her husband but drags his whole family along the way.

Islam recognizes the evil of verbal abuse and perhaps that's why there is so much emphasis on guarding one's tongue and keeping others secured from its invisible harm.

“A true believer is not involved in taunting, or frequently cursing (others) or in indecency or abusing.”' (al-Tirmidhi)

If this is the right of a regular Muslim, then how much more so a wife or husband is entitled to be safe from verbal abuse and taunting.

In another narration, the Prophet of Allāh said:

“…Cursing a believer is like murdering him.” (Al-Bukhāri and Muslim)

SubḥānAllāh, how true are the words of the Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam who thoroughly acknowledge that, in fact, harsh tongue and cursing is as painful and harmful as murdering someone.

Hence, those husbands who are duped into thinking that they are free from being abusive because they have never raised their hands on their wives, yet, frequently curse or use abusive/foul language should take heed in the words of the Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam. And so should the wives who have been using harsh tongue against their husbands.

Break the Cycle:
If you are in a verbally abusive relationship, then change your situation. Remember YOU have to break the pattern.  The first step is to acknowledge your spouse's verbal abuse.

Ask yourself the following questions:

●Do you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner?
●Do you feel threatened, humiliated, helpless or depressed?
●Do you feel as though you cannot do anything right?
●Does your spouse belittle you?
●Does your partner have complete control over your bank accounts?
●Does your spouse ignore or disregard your achievements?
●Does your partner blame you for all of your marriage problems?[i]

Oppression must not be encouraged whether physical or verbal. Find the courage to change your situation.

●Communicate with your spouse. You should not be intimidated to talk to your spouse.
●Set Limits: be specific what you can tolerate and what you cannot.
●Seek help: your spouse must not have any problem should you get a third party involved to seek help
●See a therapist: be careful who you chose for therapy

●See a Religious Counselor:

1. If you chose to speak with a shaykh, make sure he has enough time to listen to your problem thoroughly.
2. Do not catch the shaykh during the prayer breaks for 10-15 minutes.
3. Make an appointment.
   Make sure the shaykh spends enough time to listen to your complain and your spouse's and give step by
   step advice to both of you.
4. Make a follow up appointment to ensure the benefits of
   his advice.

A “Henpecked” Husband

In some cultures, eastern and western, a kind and affectionate husband is considered “henpecked” by family and friends. Consequently, to prove otherwise husbands may resort to verbal harshness in public or even in private. Let them be reminded, that in the eyes of Allah 'azzawajal, the Ultimate Judge, their strength as husbands is not shown in how much verbally they can abuse their wives, rather:

“The strong man is not one who wrestles well but the strong man is one who
controls himself when he is in a fit of rage.”

And the excellence of a man has been described in his good manners and in his control over his tongue. And the excellence of a man has been described in his good manners and in his control over his tongue. Abu Musa Al-Ash`ari (ra) reported: I asked the Messenger of Allāh, ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam:

“Who is the most excellent among the Muslims?” He said, “One from whose tongue and hands the other Muslims are secure.”

(Al-Bukhāri and Muslim)
This right is exceedingly due upon the wives. If a wife is not secured form her husband's tongue then it merely shows the weakness, cowardliness and lowliness of a man's character not his strength

Woman's Harsh Tongue:

Sisters remember the story of the two women, one prayed and fasted and performed extra acts of worship yet she was known to be very harsh with her tongue towards others. The other women performed her obligatory acts of worship but she was very polite to towards others and didn't hurt anyone with her tongue. The first one was from the women of hellfire and the second was from the people of Jannah.

If this is the case in dealing with others, just imagine what will happen if a wife, consistently, uses harsh tongue towards her husband, who has most rights over her politeness, respect and kind treatment.

وقولوا قولاً سديداً

Allah 'azzawajal says (which means):

O you who have believed, fear Allah and speak words of appropriate justice قولا سديدا
. He will [then] amend for you your deeds and forgive you your sins…

(Sūrat'l-Aḥzāb:71)

In this verse

قولا سديدا

has a very profound meaning. It doesn't merely mean just speech rather these are the words through which a person connects with the world around him/her. A spouse is the one a person most frequently interacts with hence the one most entitled toقولا سديدا  .

It doesn't merely mean just speech rather these are the words through which a person connects with the world around him/her. A spouse is the one a person most frequently interacts with hence the one most entitled to قولا سديدا. These words (everyday speech) are from the characteristics that separate a person from the other creatures and these words are the means by which a person makes himself/herself either from the people of Hell or people of Jannah.[ii]

Lastly, those brothers and sisters who are in emotionally abusive relationship must realize that verbal abuse is often worse than physical abuse. Words hurt and can be more harmful than physical pain. Also, patience through verbal abuse (though will be rewarded by Allah'azzawajal inshā'Allāh) can and will have damaging effects on the children. Not only at the time when they are growing up but on how it shapes their personality and what type of spouses would they turn out to be in future. Mostly, sons will follow their father's footsteps and daughters will follow their mother's. Hence, be cautious of what you are putting your children through and take a stand for yourself and for your children.

[i] http://www.marriagemax.com/blog/how-to-stop-verbal-and-emotional-abuse/

Disclaimer: This article is based on personal observation and could be right or wrong. My conclusion is based on a happy marriage where a husband and a wife love each other and have no major issues, yet the husband still wants to take another wife.  As for marriages with problems where husbands turn to polygamous relationships as the solution, I have no comments.

This past semester in my Arabic Communication class, our professor divided us into groups and asked us to present our opinion on polygamy. I didn’t want to be a part of that discussion. What was I going to say? Almost everyone else in the class (including the guys) were dismissive of the idea, while I was still forming words in my mind.  The topic was complicated enough to discuss in English, let alone in Arabic!

During my years at the University of Houston, I was one of the most outspoken supporters of polygamy. A few married sisters in the MSA tried to talk “sense” into me, but their efforts were futile; I was known to be a person of my own mind. I clearly remember the day my husband proposed to me, he informed me that he planned to take another wife later and asked if I would be okay with it. I answered, “How can I stop you from something that is allowed in Islam?” I wasn't yet married, so how was I supposed to know what it felt like to be jealous. It was only after I became a wife that I struggled with the idea of sharing the love of my life with another woman.

My first encounter with polygamy was when my best friend went through a polygamous relationship.  I felt torn. I questioned one of the shayookh about it, and his answer to my skepticism still echoes in my mind; instead of defending or addressing the topic of polygamy, he surprisingly asked me, “Do you believe Allah is Just?” Of course I did (inshaAllah), but why would he question my belief in Allah rather than simply explaining the rationale behind polygamy?

He then supplied me with a battery of “logical” reasons: explanations of wars, genealogy, men’s struggle during wives’ periods/post-partum bleeding, and many more. After years of researching works of scholars, both Eastern and Western, reading various works and publications including the ones written by women supporting polygamy, and examining statistics -Islamic and non-Islamic, I have run out logical reasons that defend polygamy. One-by-one, each has been ruled out as a result of  being cornered either by Muslims or non-Muslims. I can no longer “logically” defend polygamy.

Let’s discuss a few rational explanations:

War Zone: We are no longer in a time where men die more in war than women. The norm of warfare today is the  culture of carpet-bombing, where there is no discrimination among men, women, children, elderly; all in proximity are annihilated.

Genealogy: Yes, it's a subject that is not totally debatable. Even with the contemporary DNA testing, there is room for error and hence the genealogy of a child can be lost. It makes sense that this is the reason why polyandry is not allowed (perhaps) but the original question ‘why polygamy is allowed?’ remains unanswered.

Periods/Post-Partum Bleeding:  Seriously?! So if a wife is menstruating, there is nothing else she can do to satisfy her husband temporarily for 5-7 days? Even if we accept this as a “valid” factor to justify polygamy, it still doesn't take into account what happens if a man gets married to a woman whose cycle coincides with that of his first wife? Or what if the wives give birth to children around the same time?

Men have Stronger Sexual Appetite:  I assumed this to be factual for some time and perhaps I might still agree with the fact that, in general, men have a stronger physical desire for women. However, this can vary case-by-case as well. New statistics demonstrate that men and women are not far apart in their sexual appetite. In fact, ovulating women have been found to have increased sexual desire. Other studies suggest women in their 30s also experience an increased sex drive. Since this quality can vary from person-to-person, sexual appetite cannot be used to rationalize polygamy either.

While we may run out of rational justifications for polygamy, the stereotyping against it continues to increase:

One Man for One Woman: I grew up believing there is one man for one woman and vice-versa. Remember, we're products of our society and culture, and that is not blameworthy. We cannot ostracize “Western” culture for this ideology because it is just as much a product of “Eastern” culture too, if not more. Typically, in Eastern cultures, parents continue to advise their daughters to be patient with their husband and work on the marriage, but as soon as the husband takes another wife, the entire family forces her to return back to her parents’ house and take a stand.

“Shared” Husband: As the practice of polygamy withers away, the mentality and personal outlook of women has also changed. Along with society, women have moved from a more group-centered reason of existence to a more individual-centered reason for existence. Not only do most women refuse to share their husbands, but the entire society has taken an antagonist view of this practice.

“Insufficient” First Wife: In many communities, once a man weds a second wife, society does not loiter in assuming fault in the first wife. Why else would her husband feel the need to find solace in another woman? People talk, families accuse, and consequently, wife number one feels she is insufficient for her husband. Her insecurities rise just as fast as her self-confidence and esteem spiral downward, leaving her feeling like an utter failure.

With all these widespread stereotypes against polygamy and apparent lack of “logical” explanations, how can we expect Muslim women to simply swallow this concept, accept it, and live happily ever after with it?

I cannot. In fact, I believe most women can't. But I have to come to terms with it. Because no matter what my objections may be against polygamy, it is permissible in Islam, it was practiced by our beloved Prophet, sallallahu aliahi wasalam, and was common amongst the respected Companions. Who am I to object to it?

Before I proceed, let me clarify. I am not ruling out any aforementioned and other possible logical reasons for everyone. If it makes sense to any woman, by all means, accept it and be content with it. But if there are sisters who cannot find any coherent reasons for polygamy, they should not allow it to frustrate them. They are not alone.

As for me, this matter remains rationally unexplainable.  But it only humbles me to accept a far greater truth about Islam – that there are issues within the deen we may not fully comprehend. Disagreement with our logic in matters of deen cannot yield rejection. In Surah Sajdah, Allah azzawajal said:

ÙˆÙŽÙ„ÙŽÙˆÙ' شِئÙ'نَا لَآتَيÙ'نَا كُلَÙ' نَفÙ'سٍ هُدَاهَا وَلَٰكِنÙ' Ø­ÙŽÙ‚ÙŽÙ' الÙ'Ù‚ÙŽÙˆÙ'لُ مِنِÙ'ÙŠ Ù„ÙŽØ£ÙŽÙ…Ù'Ù„ÙŽØ£ÙŽÙ†ÙŽÙ' جَهَنَÙ'Ù…ÙŽ مِنَ الÙ'جِنَÙ'ةِ وَالنَÙ'اسِ أَجÙ'مَعِينَ

“And if We had willed, surely! We would have given every person his guidance, but the Word from Me took effect (about evil­doers), that I will fill Hell with jinn and mankind together.” (32:13)

We accept this verse as is, even though we cannot fully understand the meaning, and we make du’a to Allah that may we be protected from being amongst those who are destined to Hellfire.

Polygamy is allowed unconditionally (so long as the husband treats his wives equally), unbound to time, place or people. To accept this fact is a part of my faith, whether I like it or not. However, Ever Merciful is my Lord Who has comforted the believers by saying:

كُتِبَ عَلَيÙ'كُمُ الÙ'قِتَالُ وَهُوَ كُرÙ'Ù‡ÙŒ لَكُمÙ' Û– وَعَسَىٰ Ø£ÙŽÙ†Ù' تَكÙ'رَهُوا Ø´ÙŽÙŠÙ'ئًا وَهُوَ خَيÙ'رٌ لَكُمÙ' Û– وَعَسَىٰ Ø£ÙŽÙ†Ù' تُحِبُÙ'وا Ø´ÙŽÙŠÙ'ئًا وَهُوَ شَرٌÙ' لَكُمÙ' Û— وَاللَÙ'هُ يَعÙ'لَمُ ÙˆÙŽØ£ÙŽÙ†Ù'تُمÙ' لَا تَعÙ'لَمُونَ

“…and it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you do not know.” (2:216)

Hence, to conclude:

First, I begin by reiterating clearly that I cannot rationally understand polygamy, but I accept it because I submit to Allah azzawajal, and I believe the One Who decreed it is, without a shadow of a doubt, The Most Just and has allowed it in His Perfect Justice. I understand now the wisdom of my teacher questioning my belief in Allah's Perfect Justice. That is the primary rope to hang on to – to submit to Allah's Perfect Justice.

Secondly, I advise myself first and then all my Muslim sisters that polygamy is a trial from Allah, not from the husband. Therefore, like any other trial, it is a time to come closer to Allah azzawajal, with submission, patience and tawakkul. Just like any other trial, it is a time to evaluate oneself and to increase good deeds; it is not a time to rebel. More importantly (what seems like a never-ending task, ) we must strive to seperate the anger we may feel against our husbands and channel it towards accepting Allah’s decree.

Instead of perceiving the situation as “my husband did this to me”, it should be, “it is my Rabb’s Decree and He is testing me”. The real struggle lies in accepting it as a test rather than a “betrayal” by one's husband. It is indeed an emotional “Jihaad” (exertion) to seperate the two. Perhaps this is also the most effective recipe to cope with polygamy.

Thirdly, I do believe that there is always khair in Allah’s Decree; although we may fail to see it when we are being tested, the goodness always shines through. So those sisters who are tested with this, or may be tested with it, must remember that polygamy, too, has khair in it. We may fail to see it, but it is there, inshaAllah.

That day in my class, for the first time I did not justify polygamy logically. I was a bit hesitant in being so honest, but I took the courage to say, “My limited human mind cannot rationalize polygamy. I don’t necessarily like it, but I accept it because it is a part of my faith, a faith that I undoubtedly believe in and find to be the only truth. However, Islam doesn’t expect anyone to live a miserable life either. So if a woman cannot tolerate sharing her husband then the doors of exit from the marriage are always open for her.” After saying this, I felt relieved and strangely empowered.

Message for the Husbands:

Having said this, I do have a message for the husbands who are thinking of or are already in a polygamous relationship:

1. Please do not abuse the aforementioned three points. How a woman perceives polygamy is between her and Allah azzawajal. There are sisters who may not be able to cope with polygamy, but it doesn’t give husbands the right to judge their imaan. Further, if the wife makes an effort to struggle through it, then recognize her situation as the one suffering through a test. She undertakes a hard journey and whether she finds peace with it has a lot to do with how a husband handles the situation.

2. What I said above is easier said than done. Most pleasing to shaytaan is to break a marriage and obviously he will take every available opportunity to arouse negative feelings and emotions in a wife. A wife may be able to ward off the waswas at times, but not all the time. Treat her as if she is human, because she is human; don’t expect “angelic” reactions and submission from her.

3. Remember, not only does a wife fight shayateen’s waswas but she also suffers the antagonizing society's fingerpointing at her for being the “insufficient' wife number one. It is easy to say ‘who cares about what others are saying’ but the reality is very ugly. A husband must stand up for his wife if he does not want to kiss her goodbye.

4. Realize that it is natural for her to be hyper-sensitive and vulnerable to anything that others might say, especially, to what comes out of her husband's mouth. Shaytaan will make her read assumptions into her husband’s words and actions, so be prepared to explain calmly and patiently.

5.  Remember, it is inevitable for her to compare herself to the other wife, and to indulge in thinking, ‘Who does he love more/find more pleasing?’ Find a way to keep her from doing that if you don’t want her to go mentally insane.

6. There is no “right” way of jumping into polygamy. No matter what approach you take, it will hurt your first wife, but DO NOT LIE to her. She will find out, especially, if you share a good strong relationship. Many times husbands lie to keep their wives from hurting, but in reality deception and dishonesty hurt more.

7. Don’t break her trust. Wives are better equipped to face the bitter reality than broken trust.

These are just a few quick suggestions with regards to treating the first wife. If all this is too difficult for a man to handle then I suggest he sticks to monogamy :)

What are the advantages of communicating with our children?

1. We understand their lives better and what they face on a daily basis at school.
2. We can give them confidence that they can approach us with any issue/problem.
3. We can break cultural taboos and stereotypes.

Moving further on the topic of tarbiyyah, insha'Allah, of the many advantages of keeping open communication with patience, wisdom and understanding, preteens/teens feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings with their parents, especially their mothers.

“Teenage Privacy”:

I, personally, do not believe in offering preteens/teens “privacy.” By all means, give them their “space,” but it is not synonymous to privacy. You should have access to their room, closets, computers and all their other stuff. It should be matter-of-fact and peaceful, not antagonistic. Don’t be intruding when they are with the friends, but KNOW who their friends are.

Preteen/Teenage Crushes:

Preteens/teens should be at such a comfort level around us that they should not mind sharing their feelings/emotions and secrets with us, even if it is about their crushes. This is the kind of relationship we should aim for.

Do not react to every single crush. Hold yourself back, take a deep breath and know that it is actually unnatural not to have crushes. With that in mind, make sure you thoroughly teach them that they should:

• Not trust every other friend with their crush.
• Be shy and modest about it.
• Never openly confess it or try to inform the one they have a crush on (it becomes common knowledge at school)
• realize the fragility of a Muslim woman’s reputation.

Give them sufficient warning against falling in love with the wrong person. If you have any examples in the family or amongst friends, tell them about it and let them learn from others’ mistakes.

Though that age of romantic thoughts and emotions is inevitable, make sure they do not become obsessed with their crushes. If it starts happening, seek help. Observe what they are watching and reading, especially with their friends. Try to minimize the means and do not let the crush go to the next step.

Special Advice for Parents of Girls:

Females have a special chemical called “oxytocin,” also called the “love hormone,” and it plays a major role in what’s called, “the biochemistry of attachment.” That’s why a little attention from a good-looking, popular boy or just a boy can make them feel special and they can develop feelings for someone whose last intention is to bond with them.  Learn more about this.

There is a phenomenon rising of Muslim girls falling for non-Muslim boys (an obvious side effect of Disney movies). It is not only about haram and halal; it is also about falling in love and uncontrollable emotions. Unfortunately, I cannot prolong the discussion by offering solutions, this is a topic for another discussion, but I just want parents to acknowledge and be aware of what is happening. It is not limited to public schools (though it is more common there for of obvious reasons), but even homeschooled Muslim girls can fall in love online with non-Muslim boys because that might be their only “outlet” to get in touch with the opposite gender.

It is very easy to fool girls, especially the shy and naïve girls. For some boys, these types of girls become a “challenge to overcome” at schools, so load your daughters with sufficient warnings but do not set “double standards” for your daughters vs. your sons, please!

Let them Evaluate your Parenting:

There may be things you will do as parents thinking that they are helping to build a relationship, but they might be having a negative effect. Discuss your parenting techniques with your children. Tell them why you are taking a certain approach. Find different approaches. Put your child on spot; ask them: “what would you do if your child were to do this?”

KNOW HOW TO USE YOUR AUTHORITY:

Parents have been given authority over children but to use that authority wisely is a complicated issue. Allah ‘azza wa jall hates shirk but He allows it to happen; if He willed, it would have ended but He didn’t and there is a lesson to learn from this wisdom (though we cannot fully understand the complete and perfect wisdom behind it).

Sometimes as parents we CAN put an end to something wrong, but we must choose our battles wisely. Sometimes letting go of smaller issues helps you take control of bigger issues.

For example, a sister who had recently started practicing was once seeking advice about her daughter. I noticed the sister was using too much religion and parental control over a daughter who was in her 20s. When I talked to the daughter she had similar complaints. Of the complaints the daughter had was that her mother would not allow her to go to movies on the weekend with her friends. I advised the sister to be wise in her restrictions. By no means am I promoting theaters, but look at the time we are living in, surrounded with multiple fitan, such as the fitnah of the opposite gender, Muslim women having internet affairs, men’s pornography addiction, and the increase in gays and lesbians. A’udhobillah, but we certainly do live in strange times. Compare that to watching movies with same-gender-friends, and you can see the difference in the level of harm. The sister didn’t take my advice very well. To make a long story short, her daughter ended up moving out of the house.

Stay a Step Ahead of your Child:

Parents always have to be ahead of their children, to be smart and wise. Get technical, become familiar with computers, Facebook, Twitter, text messaging, etc. Stay updated and upgraded!

Self Evaluation when Children behave badly:

When our children behave badly, it is a test from Allah, as it is a time to evaluate our actions and our relationship with Allah ‘azza wa jall.

• Du’a: use this weapon.
• Make yourself a role model for them: Good upbringing requires setting examples for our children. Whether we like it or not, parents remain the primary role models for their children.

Lastly, love is a beautiful emotion; let us not limit it to food, clothes, secular degrees, worldly status, and brand names. Give love its proper rights. None of us would like to see our children troubled, especially not on the Day of Judgment.

I have written this series as if I was talking to my own children, and I have shared the steps that helped me build a wonderful relationship with my children, alhamdullilah. There are some topics I left out and some I didn’t discuss in detail; I skipped the biological explanations. I am writing a book in which I discuss all these issues in more detail.

To conclude, I have only Allah to thank that I was able to compile this series which insha'Allah will be beneficial to the readers. Special thanks to my wonderful husband, who supported me throughout, regardless of the content that we discussed. Many thanks to Mona White for editing my articles and to Hebah, Haleh, Hena and Anonymouse for helping me word many difficult parts. Last but not least, special thanks to all my amazing MM-Sisters who showed tremendous support when on several occasions I found myself on the verge of quitting due to some blatant insulting comments.

Whatever good is in here is from the blessing of Allah, and all the evil and wrong is from myself and shaytaan.

Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | | Part V (b) | Part VI | Part VII | Part VIII | Part IX

In the last part of this series, we discussed the most commonly asked questions about sex and sexuality and how to answer those questions. Now let us proceed to additional topics that we should discuss with our pre/teens. Unfortunately, these topics are introduced to 10-year olds in public schools (as I mentioned in Part V(b)), hence the parents should be prepared to discuss these issues with the children at home.

Additional Sex-Related Topics to Discuss:

Masturbation: Again, depending on your pre-teen/teen’s level of maturity, exposure and circumstances, talk to them about masturbation somewhere around the age of 10.

Explain to them what it is, when they might have the urge to perform it, and how it is not allowed in Islam. Children are taught at schools that masturbation is completely normal and part of human sexuality. Discuss the differences between Islamic prohibition and cultural permission thoroughly.  Here is a good lecture on the subject. Though it cannot be said with surety that masturbation increases risk of prostate cancer, it does have negative emotional and psychological effects, like low self confidence and a sense of guilt, etc.

Offer them tips on how they can stay away from masturbation. The more a person protects himself/herself from reading, watching, and listening to content containing indecencies, the more a person can gain control over his/her desires of masturbation, insha'Allah.

Oral Sex/Anal Sex: Do not underestimate your children’s exposure to these terms. Sex Education curriculum in some public schools starts introducing these terms by the age of 10. If it’s a pre-teen/teen asking, then definitely explain. However, if it is a child asking, then you may be able to tell him/her to wait until they are older. However, I strongly advise parents to not underestimate the level of  a child’s curiosity.

Unfortunately, we are living in a time where we have to open up subjects that could have waited until later. As I said before, it is best that they hear from their parents earlier rather than wait and risk someone else offering their vulgar version of sexual actions. Sadly, some Muslim teens (usually in high school) get involved in oral sex assuming it is not “zina,” hence not a major sin.  Remind your pre-teen/teen:

“And do not even go close to Zina! Truly, it is a gross obscenity and an evil path (to go down).” [17:32]

Anal sex is haraam. Show them the ahadeeth which prohibit anal sex. You can also drop a line or two about the health hazards. Last week I mentioned the “STD Educational Support Groups.” Google one in your local area and attend with your pre-teen/teen.

Homosexuality: Though it is not easy these days to discuss the Islamic concept of homosexuality to our youth, it must be explained. Initially, when they are small and read the story of Prophet Lut, for instance, they can be told that “boys used to marry boys”. Later, as they grow older they can be told in more detail.

Wet Dreams: I have already written an article discussing wet dreams among males and females and about the importance of educating our preteens/teens about them.

Other Sexual Acts:

Dear parents, I wish I didn’t have to ask you to teach more than what we have already discussed. Unfortunately though, we are living in a hyper-sexualized society and it is becoming practically impossible to keep our children sheltered the way we wish to keep them protected. However, as long as you have explained to them what we have discussed so far, I don’t think additional information needs to be offered, unless they ask. The goal is to “break the ice” and keep the communication frank and open.

Be prepared. Keep the conversations alive, sparking them every now and then. Sex-ed is an ongoing education and it can never be covered in just one sitting.

Wrong Information from Overprotective Parents:

Since my counseling is limited to female teenagers, I have often encountered overprotective mothers giving wrong information to their daughters to “protect” them from masturbation and other sexual experimentation. I don’t know if a similar exchange of misinformation occurs among fathers and their sons, but in any case it’s advisable that parents refrain from conveying false information to their children.

Tell them facts: Religious facts, social facts, and medical facts. Plain and simple: nothing but facts.

Are Carnal Desires Evil?

Talking about the restrictions we set to hinder our instinctive desires may give your child a feeling that it is an evil thing to feel them and inflict a negative outlook on intercourse for the rest of their life. It is very important that we clarify their confusion of perceiving sex and sexuality in an evil and wrong way.

Explain to them that carnal desires are not evil but they can lead to evil if one doesn’t protect themselves from satanic whispers. Yes, when it is done properly, i.e. in the beautiful marital bond, then it actually becomes a blessing and a way to earn reward. In a long narration in Muslim, the Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) was describing different actions of sadaqah and he mentioned,

“…and in a man's sexual intercourse (with his wife) there lies a sadaqah (in his favor).” They (the Companions) said: “Messenger of Allah, is there a reward for him who satisfies his sexual passion among us?” He said: “Tell me, if he were to devote it to something forbidden, would it not be a sin on his part? Similarly, if he were to devote it to something lawful, he should have a reward.”

Let them read the numerous examples from the life of the Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) of him being intimately playful and romantic with his wives. Let them listen to some lectures on the subject. Start drilling the correct place and time of releasing these natural desires and fantasies from a young age so their perception becomes pure, insha'Allah.

Benefits of Chastity:

From time to time, we must remind our children and pre-teens/teens about the value and significance of chastity, and how Allah ‘azza wa jall Himself honored the virtues of purity and chastity. We must offer them a balance between warnings and rewards from a religious perspective. Additionally, we should also reward them verbally and materialistically even for avoiding indecent actions, like when they turn away their sight from an indecent billboard/ad, or close their eyes during a kissing scene, or close a site with offensive advertisements, etc.

When they are pre-teens/teens it is essential to lay out the benefits of being chaste and keeping away from major/minor acts of lewdness. Remind them of what the Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) said: “There are seven whom Allah will shade in His Shade on the Day when there will be no shade except His Shade: …a man who is called by a woman of beauty and position [for illegal intercourse], but says: 'I fear Allah'…”

Ask them: Would they not want to have the Shade of Allah when no other shade will be available and the sun will be only a mile above us?   *Occasional emotional talks are effective reminders.*

A Few Tips on Keeping Away from Fawahish (Indecencies):

Help your pre-teens/teens keep away from fawahish. To suggest a few steps:

Du’a: Every now and then talk to them about the importance of Du’a.

Encourage your pre-teens/teens to make du’a for themselves.  Explain to them that they know their own weaknesses better than anyone else. They must turn to Allah to ask for help and forgiveness whenever they make a mistake.

Adhkaar (verbal remembrance of Allah): I cannot emphasize enough the necessity of reading the morning and afternoon adhkaar. Remember, fawahish are a call of the shayateen:

إِنَÙ'مَا ÙŠÙŽØ£Ù'مُرُكُمÙ' بِالسُÙ'وءِ وَالÙ'فَحÙ'شَاءِ   “For he commands you to what is evil and shameful/lewd…” (2:169)

Hence, by keeping the shayateen away, one is keeping the temptations away. Though this training should be done from a very young age, it is never too late to help pre-teens/teens memorize the morning and afternoon adhkaars.

Prayers: Prayer is a way to keep away from fawahish:

إنَÙ' الصَلاَةَ تَنÙ'Ù‡ÙŽÙ‰ عَنِ الفَحÙ'شَاءِ وَالÙ'مُنÙ'كَرِ وَلَذِكÙ'رُ اللهِ Ø£ÙŽÙƒÙ'بَرُ “Indeed prayers protects from indecencies…”

Lowering one’s gaze: We must start training our young boys to lower their gazes. Here is an excellent read from Ibn Al-Qayyim on lowering the gaze.

Good company: Monitor their friends. Remind them about the importance of keeping good company.

Music: Stay away from music and indecent lyrics.

Movies/TV: Avoid movies with indecent content: Parents, please do not go by the official ratings of the movies. Most of the times, PG-13 is not a movie suitable for 13 year olds. It is not even suitable for 18 year olds. Make your own educated rating. There is an excellent site to look up the content of movies in detail. Visit: kids-in-mind.com

Fasting: Encourage them to fast.  Fast with them. Make fasting Mondays/Thursdays a family ritual.

Social Work: Many times, it is having too much free time that makes minds wander aimlessly. Get them busy with constructive activities, social projects, volunteer work in the masjid/community center, start a girl/boys club. Come up with ways to keep them busy and entertained.

Exercise: Encourage them to exercise to release their physical energy.

Don’t Stay up all Night: Do not let them spend their nights alone especially with the computer. As the Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) advised, “Do not spend the night alone.” (Ahmad)

Keep the Computer in an Open Area: If this is not feasible, make sure you install parental control software on their computers.

Ask your Parents for Help: If you are a pre-teen/teen reading this article, ask your parents to monitor your computer activities. Ask them to make du’a for you.

These are but a few examples of ways in which parents can help protect their pre-teens/teens from the fitan of fawahish surrounding our society.

We are not Raising Angels:

Talk to your pre-teen/teen about the challenges that they face at school/society and around their friends. Remind them of the beauty of chastity, encourage them to swim against the high tide, appreciate them for listening to you, and ask them about their challenges and how you can be of assistance.

If they are having difficulty or going through some crisis, do not panic. You will lose them entirely if you do. Listen to them calmly. Remember you are not raising angels, even after taking all the precautions you could take; we must keep in mind that our children will slip. This is as long as it is a minor issue, like sexual thoughts or masturbation (major issues like love affairs will have to be dealt with differently).

Remind them of fighting their temptations with du’a and istighfaar. Help them fight the fitnah. Encourage them to pray qiyam'l-layl. Provide them with distractions. Rid them of all the means of falling into sin. Though, be very careful and wise. Do not scare them away by being too tough on them. Remember, they are human beings, and as long as they feel remorse and repent to Allah, you will have to allow them room to sin a little.

Why this education MUST be given with proper Islamic references.

1. To create a positive effect.
2. To instill shyness rather than vulgarity.
3. To emphasize responsibility and cautiousness with the knowledge that Allah severely hates fawahish.

Mind Shaping:

This is all about instilling Islamic values and disciplining the mind. It is interesting that many psychological diseases are controlled through mind disciplining, like OCD or addictions. Cognitive therapy is about identifying and changing dysfunctional thoughts.

I am very hopeful and optimistic that insha'Allah with Islam as our guide and psychology as our tool, we can control spiritual and social damages caused by sexual prevalence in our societies.

Forming our children’s mindsets from a young age is not only appropriate Islamically, but it’s also the perfect time to start shaping and training their minds to being pure, focused, and free from confusion and doubts. When they are given clear explanations about their sexuality in proper detail (without vulgarity), warned in a timely manner what they are up against, provided with the tools on how to tackle the fawahish, and constantly reminded of the virtues of chastity and purity, they are being given ample training to the positive development of their mind disciplining and shaping.

Perhaps, it may be true that the prevalence of porn/sexual addiction among Muslim men is partially contributed by the lack of proper information and upbringing during their youth. It may be that inappropriate and vulgar information about sex builds a wrong perception of sex, sexuality and women in a person’s mind and hence causes serious problems later in their lives.

On the other hand, it maybe that when the communication is kept open from the very beginning and parents continue to be involved in their children’s lives, the mind is trained and shaped in different way. A person is more open to communication, there is no excitement in secrecy, a person finds more comfort in verbalizing emotions than shutting down and retreating to release stress in “discreet” way, and Allah knows best.

Insha'Allah next week we will conclude this series.

Those who are familiar with my works are quite aware that I have a deep belief in communication between parents and children. I have always emphasized that parents need to empower themselves with the tools necessary to teach their children about all sorts of topics, but especially one that is so sensitive and a cause of so many adulthood problems— sex.

So, let me begin this article by explicitly stating two important points:

1. Muslims can no longer keep their heads in the sand regarding sex. I have been consistent about this position in my articles, from discussion of sexual molestation of Muslim children, to my series on parenting. Part of not keeping heads in the sand is for Muslim parents to also understand the nature of sexual education at school.
2. I strongly oppose exposing our children to “secular”, “religion-neutral”, “exploratory” sexual education at schools, but at the same time vehemently insist that such education be done at home by parents, or other “religion-enhanced” format.  You have to REPLACE, not simply discard the education.

This article will of course speak to point two, as Nadiah unfortunately not only flatly disregarded all the facts presented in my previous article, but also made quite a few below-the-belt jabs, like claiming that “[a]dditionally, as illustrated so effectively by Umm Reem, many Muslims fear that open discussion on sexuality inevitable leads to promiscuity”.

Nadiah should have known (with proper research) that the last thing that I am interested in is closing discussions on sexuality. For Nadiah to conclude that my objection to sex education at school implies that the discussion should be totally closed, is not only disingenuous but also unacceptable coming from a community leader in Muslim affairs. We have to hold our community leaders to a higher standard, one that respects differences of opinions without subjecting others to unsubstantiated personal attacks.

Let’s review Nadiah’s main contentions:

I [Umm Reem] contend that sex education curricula in the US are based on three organizations

What I said in fact was that, “it is primarily based on PPF, AYF and SEICUS”. And this can be confirmed with some basic research.  This is an important distinction because it leaves room open for some schools to NOT follow the curricula of these three organizations, and thus possible explaining Nadiah’s own experiences.

It is equally important that we agree that these organizations SIECUS, PPF and AYF are some of the leading and influential Sex-Education Organizations in America, not just minor players.

Some facts about the leading sex education organizations in America:

While it is true that there is no “concrete” curriculum for sex education in USA per se, and that it can vary from school to school, one cannot deny the fact there are ideologies/beliefs promoted by influential organizations that are dedicated and funded by the government funds to educate and train professionals to deliver and design sexual education. Let’s take a moment to review three of the main sex education organizations again:

Sex Information & Education Council of United States (SIECUS)

According to Janice Irvine, the author of “Talk about Sex: the Battles over Sex Education in the US” this organization has been “the pioneer of Comprehensive Sex Education”, and according to Dr. Grossmam, “it has been the nation’s flagship sex education organization for nearly 50 years”[i].

This group has “trained hundreds of thousands of educators, worked with thousands of policymakers, appeared in the leading print and broadcast media outlets, and led the effort to advance sexual and reproductive health on 6 continents.”[ii]

It receives federal funding through a cooperative agreement with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s Division of Adolescent and School Health.”

Planned Parenthood Federation (PPF)

“Planned Parenthood is proud of its vital role in providing young people with honest sexuality and relationship information in classrooms and online to help reduce our nation’s alarmingly high rates of teen pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections. Nearly 1.2 million youths and adults participate in Planned Parenthood educational programs every year.”

According to 2007-2008 annual report, PPF’s “operating and other funds” totaled $1.038 billion, with over a third of that sum, $349.6 million coming from government grants and contracts.[iii]

Advocates for Youth (AFY):

Designed the popular “Life Planning Education”. Advocates for Youth works to educate Members of Congress, State Legislators and local elected officials on a variety of issues that impact the sexual and reproductive health of young people.  Advocates believes that the time has come for a new approach to adolescent sexual and reproductive health that includes dismantling failed abstinence-only programs, implementing comprehensive sex education programs, addressing the impact of HIV/AIDS on youth, providing confidential access to birth control and removing the unnecessary age restriction on emergency contraception.  They also support federal legislation that addresses discrimination based on sexual orientation and/or gender identity.

Why am I pointing out these sex education organizations?

Nadiah took great umbrage to my claim that sexual education contributes towards the increased promiscuity. Again, I cannot emphasize enough that despite Nadiah’s unfortunate generalizations, I am not referring to “education” in itself. I am referring to the certain type of education organized by leading aforementioned institutes that can lead increased promiscuity. One should not be afraid of teaching children about sex, but rather one needs to be afraid of what type sex education the children receive.

Since most reasonable people will agree that “wrong education” will lead to “wrong ideas” (doesn’t take a rocket science to make the logical link!), we need to first see what type of education are these major sex-ed organizations promoting and teaching.

What better way to do so than to go to the horse’s mouth! One has to simply visit the websites of sex-education organizations and the sites that these organizations endorse (endorse=agree) to appreciate that “wrong education” is putting it quite mild!  One could ask “why not check with schools”, and my response would be that it is far more accurate to review the vision of the organization providing school materials than to visit the schools. For example, if we were interested in finding out what schools following a certain methodology of teaching math were doing, we would start with the developers and disseminators of that methodology of teaching in order to fully appreciate the style.

These sex-education organizations aforementioned may not be directly teaching their materials in classrooms of course, but one has to only click on their referrals to see what they would want taught. Let’s review just ONE website recommended by our sex education organizations for our pre/teens’s health related questions and queries:

GoAskAlice: University of Columbia’s “health” QA service. It has very good information about HIV, STDs, diet, depression, drugs etc. but at the same time, at a click of a button, children can view information about phone sex, oral or anal sex, erotic techniques, trios, how to be more intimate and make it more pleasurable, how to buy vibrator, porn magazines DISCREETLY, and also information for UNDER 18 how to get contraceptives WITHOUT parents’ knowledge. I have repeatedly encouraged the parents to visit their sites (linked in my original article) themselves, because I can’t cut and paste all info!

Tell me, while these sites are recommended (GoAskAlice is one of many) to pre/teens for any questions about their “health” or “health-related issues” or “sexuality”, pre/teens will inevitably visit it (esp. those who have no communication with their parents). Once these kids get on these “highly recommended” sites by those that they trust (sex-ed educators), is it hard not to expect them to also read extremely sensual, erotic and licentious information. Consequently, will they not get aroused and will they not want to experience and experiment what they read, in other words will it not increase promiscuity?

Sometimes we let demands for empirical data get in the way of pure common sense and normal logic.

It is no doubt true that we are living in a hyper-sexualized society. TV, movies, magazines, books contribute towards the increased promiscuity but so do these sex education organizations.

Nadiah further claims that I :

carelessly proclaims that American public school sexual education programs are responsible for the high STI rate, claiming the “sex education industry is dedicated to promot[ing] radical, social ideologies that value unconditional sexual freedom above any health, science, or parental authority. The aim is to encourage promiscuity experimentation and unrestricted sexual behavior.” As a public health professional trained to appreciate the importance of empirical data, I ask Umm Reem for any evidence supporting such an outrageous claim.

First of all, I never claimed that sex education in of itself is responsible for sexually transmitted infections (STI). I hope Nadiah would care to share where I stated this cause and effect relationship.

Secondly, my “careless” (partly imagined by Nadiah) proclamations comes from a board certified, adolescent & adult psychiatrist’s intensive research on sex education in US, whose experience and education far outweighs. Dr. Grossman states, “There groups [SIECUS, PPF, AFY] claim to provide “comprehensive access” to “accurate” sex education. Take a look, though, at their curricula, their guides for teachers and parents, and-most disturbing- the websites to which they direct your kids: you’ll see how young people are infused with a grotesque exaggeration of the place of sexuality. Promiscuity, experimentation, and fringe behaviors are encouraged. For them, these are personal choices, and judgments are prohibited. At all ages, sexual freedom is a “right”, an issue of social justice. In short, they are dedicated to promoting radical social ideologies, not preventing diseases.”[iv]

To illustrate why “sexy” sexual education could lead to increased promiscuity, let’s take the example of a parent who teaches her child about eating healthy and keeps him from gaining weight, buys him the membership to the gym, and educates him about all the harms against obesity BUT at the same time she keeps cooking unhealthy food, keeps baking cakes, keeps buying junk food and leaving it around him, then will she not share the blame if her child keeps giving into his temptation of “delicious” food and keep gaining weight?

Sex education organizations are doing very well in educating our children about STDs, STIs, contraceptives, and even providing condoms. But, in the schools, they also teach about sex-acts other than copulation and promote licentious, sensual and extremely provocative information & techniques on their websites. In addition, they offer free contraceptives and teach our children HOW to get them DISCREETLY without parental knowledge!

In other words: Eat healthy, watch your diet, but we would like to show you some pictures of delicious cakes and deserts, and you can find out the recipes on our websites, and in case you need we will provide you with numbers how to order ingredients free and discreetly!

Yes, with promiscuous message sex education organizations are promoting, frequency of promiscuous activity will increase, and this would suggest that they take responsibility of increased STIs.

Can health-based information mixed with promiscuous messages protect children?

• Will the pre/teens be in their “senses” to use condoms/contraceptives when the time comes to try out all those great ideas on GoAskAlice and other recommended sites by sex-ed organizations?
• How effective are the condoms/contraceptives?

The “neurobiology of decision-making”[v] indicates that when we make choices, we rely on at least 12 different brain regions. These areas include cognitive and affective circuits, meaning decisions are based on both thought and emotions.

PCF is the “thinking” brain, Amygdala is the “feeling” brain. These are parallel systems and evolve with time. Emotional system is present early in life where as cognitive system develops with age and time. “It has been suggested that because the emotional system is more mature than the cognitive one in teens, it sometimes contributes more to decision-making, resulting in less-than-optimal choices.”[vi]

“HOT” and “COLD” conditions: “Dr. Laurence Steinber, an expert in adolescent psychology, draws a distinction between “cool” and “hot” conditions, referring to the intensity or level of emotion at the time a decision is made. To summarize his research, under “cool” conditions a teen might appear to have excellent “executive function” in making a choice and logical thinking. In a hypothetical dilemma, he might resolve: being sexually active is a big decision, I’ll talk it all over with my “partner”, dicuss STDs and contraceptives, use condoms.

Place the same boy in an unexpected situation, an unsupervised party with a cute and willing girl, other friends making out around him; functional MRI says that under “hot” conditions he is more likely to rely on his “Amygdala”, to be shortsighted, emotion-driven, and susceptible to coercion and peer pressure.[vii]

It is not lack of information, but lack of judgment:  “In real life, his strong emotions and drives can “hijack” his ability for self-control and smart decision.”[viii]

Effectiveness of Condoms:

When a panel of 28 experts was asked in 2001, “what is the scientific evidence on the effectiveness of latex male condom-use to prevent STD transmission during vaginal intercourse?” the answer was, and still is, “IT DEPENDS!”[ix] There is a lot more research available on this subject. Due to restricted space, I would encourage readers to search on their own.

Undermining Parental Authority

I posted a prime example of “unconditional sexual freedom above parental authority”, the case in California’s Elementary School, where a survey of extreme sexual nature was passed out without parental discretion. Parents were denied the right to object.

To that, Nadiah responded, “There are ethical implications to collecting data from minors, which is why respectable research with publishable data are subject to Institutional Review Boards. Unfortunately, it sounds like these researchers did not go through the IRB – had they gone through – they would have been required to have parental consent before administering the survey.”

Based on the response, Nadiah has obviously missed the main point. It is not about respectable research or data collection, it is about undermining PARENTAL authority. According to the judge in the California case, “public schools have the right to administer sex instruction to any children, at any time and in any manner, notwithstanding the objections of their parents.”

In Massachusetts, one school passing out condoms to even elementary students, “Under the policy, any student requesting a condom from a school nurse must first receive counseling, which includes information on abstinence. The policy does not require the school to contact parents.”

Another example is the Sex-Ed controversy in Helena Montana, where parents are fighting the sex-ed curriculum, “The document covers everything from nutrition to injury prevention, but the section titled “Human Sexuality” is drawing the most concern. It lays out sex education topics for each grade, K through 12. In the first grade, children would be taught that human beings can love people of the same gender; in second grade, kids are taught not to make fun of people by calling them “gay” or “queer.”

By fifth grade, they are taught there are several types of intercourse, and by the sixth grade, the draft document states that students should, “Understand that sexual intercourse includes but is not limited to vaginal, oral, or anal penetration; using the penis, fingers, tongue or objects.”

Yet, another example from a sites endorsed by our sex education organizations, a question was asked by a young girl:

“My boyfriend and I are thinking of having sex. Can I get the pill without my mom knowing?

Answer: Generally, yes. There is no law that requires a parent’s permission for the pill…A good place to start is a place that receives money from…they can’t tell your mom if you got the pill. You can find a [clinic] near you through [website provided]…

(I am not providing the website link as some parents complained on the previous article regarding links to what most of us would consider promiscuous information, but to others is “education”)

They also teach children how to order porn magazines, masturbation tools etc. discreetly, without parental knowledge.

To conclude: I don't believe proper sex education will be a contributing factor towards increased promiscuity but “wrong” sex education in present form, as incorporated by the major sex-ed organizations will. And that can be well seen on the official & award winning websites. I encourage the parents to please browse through them.

Young minds are especially vulnerable; in addition they are surrounded by an environment (TV, magazines, books) with increased sexuality. Moreover, when they are exposed to information that is being taught by sex education organizations, we don’t need an empirical data to come to logical conclusion that when youth reads encouraging statements about “exploring their sexuality”, along with the techniques how-to, it will contribute towards increased promiscuity?

My main point, throughout the series, is to encourage parents to become the sex educators and be the primary source of information. Not only parents can offer vulgar-free, pure and beneficial information to their children, but they also live with their children and can be approached at any time (unlike a health profession), will best watch and observe, in real life, the situation and the difficulty of the child, and will offer the most sincere advice. Not to mention how much it will help open communication and strengthens the bond of parent-child relationship.

I pray that may Allah reward Sr. Nadiah for all the effort and good work she is contributing towards our youth.

Further reading/listening: Here is an excellent lecture on the subject.

Continuing from last week’s article, insha'Allah we will discuss the next two commonly asked questions: 

4. How do babies get into their mother’s stomachs?

I divided “How do babies get in mommy’s tummy?” and “what is sex and sexuality?” into two different questions because the first question deals with the mechanics of the matter and the second with the emotions of it. It is far easier to explain where babies come from than what is sex and sexuality.

For this question, be mindful of their age and experiences. For instance, a 5 year old obviously shouldn’t be told of the exact process. That can probably wait until they’re 10 or perhaps earlier for children in public schools.

I must say that this process was not too hard for me, alhamdullilah, for a number of reasons:

• My children were reading Qur’an with meanings, and we would often discuss verses about creation/procreation.
• They were homeschooled, so they were relatively protected compared to children in public schools. Nevertheless, I will not overestimate the level of protection of homeschooled children. Where there is curiosity there are always many ways to satisfy it.
• Their friends were monitored. However, don’t count on that either. Even good friends can offer too much information sometimes.

If children are reading Qur’an and learning its meanings, they undoubtedly come cross ayahs like:

“…We created you from dust, then from a small seed, then from a clot, then from a lump of flesh…” (22:5)

The answer to the question can be divided into steps depending on the child's age and circumstances and can range from:

• Allah lets the baby grow in Mama’s tummy.

• Small seeds/dots/sperms (whatever term you might want to use) come from the father and he passes them to the mother, it goes inside the mother and gets connected to the egg and becomes a tiny clot that grows into a baby.

If they are young, they may not ask “how does mommy get the seed”, and it does not have to be explained thoroughly when they are younger. Remember, don’t volunteer too much information, but if your child asks and you feel s/he is too young (less than 8 years, for instance), tell him/her gently while maintaining your smile (you might want to hold their hands), “I think you are too small to learn this right now. Can we talk about this when you are a little bit older?”

Children, especially at a younger age, feel empowered when they are given the green light from their parents. If s/he agrees then make him/her promise you, “If you ever become too curious then ask me. If anyone else ever tries to tell you, stop them and ask me instead. I promise I will tell you right away.”

Children feel trusted by their parents and feel obliged to keep their promise. Normally, when younger, they don’t like to disappoint their parents. This kind of agreement is more like a “club oath” for them, and they feel happy and confident that their parents are relying on them for keeping their promise.

NOT for every child: This approach has worked with a number of parents, especially when children were homeschooled. Again, if my children had been attending a school, ESPECIALLY a public school, I would not have taken this route. I would have told them even if it was at a seemingly too young age rather than take the risk of having someone else educate my children.

Also, this may not work with every child. Some children are very curious. A parent should know his/her child’s nature and personality. If you have a curious child, I would highly recommend telling the child the first time they question. Curious minds can’t hold curiosities for too long. It is better to answer their questions at a younger age than take the risk of delaying answers and giving others an opportunity to do our job.

• Finally, tell them in your own words: “Husband and wife have to join their private parts in order to transfer the seed/sperm into wife's body.” They may ask, “Why is it like that?” Tell them calmly and politely (without getting irritated at their questions), “Because that is how Allah has made the process of procreation.” Move the topic along by showing them a few verses that express the permissibility of uncovering our private parts in front of our spouses (23:5-6), (70:29-30).

Give them time to absorb the information and encourage them to ask any questions they might be thinking of in their minds but might be feeling to shy to ask.

Next, explain the biological process of procreation. Remember, the calmer and less solemn you sound, the better it is for children’s level of comfort and understanding. They might be grossed out and express their disgust, which is perfectly acceptable, but remind them, “Though you feel disgusted right now, a time will come when your emotions will change and there is nothing wrong with this action as long as it is practiced in wedlock and never unlawfully.”

5. What is Sex? (a number of questions go under this category) Why do people want to have GF/BF? What is adultery (zina)? Why do people commit adultery? Questions under this category are abundant.

This is perhaps the most difficult question to reply to, because the information required of us to provide to our children starts when they are around ten years old (depending on the child again) and continues until they are well into their married lives.

It is extremely essential to explain to our pre-teens/teens the emotional and sensual sides of sex to keep them from confusion, to give them a proper understanding of their sexuality, to make them aware of the positives and negatives of the carnal desires, and to prepare them to tackle their sensuality.

To start off, they can be told:

Sex is not limited to mating, but it is a desire Allah has put in mankind like the desires of food and water. This is a special desire that has to do with both your heart and your body (explain in more detail later on). However, just as there are limits to what we can consume, there are also limits to how we let out our sexual desires. This desire doesn’t really come to us until we reach the pre-teen or teenage years or perhaps even later than that.

How does the desire for sex develop: The desire for sex will usually start off with thinking about the opposite gender in a “curious” way – you start noticing the differences between boys and girls. You'll find yourself linking both an 'intellectual' characteristic with a physical and emotional reaction. For example, a girl will admire a boy's athletic prowess but with the added emotional reaction of “I wonder how his muscles feel” and “He must be so nice to spend time with!” A guy will think, “She's very funny,” and include with that “She's very pretty, and she has such nice looking lips…”

Sexual desires are perfectly natural: It is perfectly natural to notice and be attracted to a person's physical looks/ body. BUT this is where we teach our kids that in Islam, while such a desire is not “wrong” per se, it is wrong to act upon them. This is where we start teaching about lowering the gaze, avoiding mingling with the other gender, fasting, etc. (This will be discussed in more detail in the next part insha'Allah).

“Trigger” points for males and females: In addition to the natural evolution of a human's body and mind that leads them to thinking about the opposite gender, there are other triggers of desire (or awareness that leads to desire).

In girls, these “triggers” include romance novels and movies (especially “chick flicks”), magazines, discussions with friends, observing others engaging in intimacy (such as a BF/GF couple hugging, making out, etc.), and reading/ hearing/ seeing descriptions of sexual acts or of emotional scenes that are indicative of and/or leading to something sexual. Girls are greatly sensitive and receptive to strong emotions, which is why some girls, when asked why they want to have a boyfriend/ male companion, will usually say something along the lines of “companionship” rather than “physical touching/ intimacy.”

Boys, on the other hand, are much more visual and physical. Thus, their “triggers” come in the form of images – whether that image is a girl at school whose “assets” are beginning to show, posters and pictures of indecently dressed women, or crude movie scenes.

In both males and females, the emergence of this sexual awareness and feelings often leads to a desire to touch their own private parts or engage in physical intimacy (hugging, kissing, touching) with others.

“No matter how these instinctive desires are activated, once it happens, don't be afraid or think that you're an evil/ bad person. It is natural and sooner or later this desire will flourish within you. However, what choices you make at that time, in obedience to Allah or in disobedience to Him, will truly define you.”

Religious Expectations:

Take this opportunity to be specific about the rulings of Islam. Explain in explicit and clear terms the limitations by Allah ’azza wa jall. For example, you can say:

“Firstly, keep in mind that before anyone else your accountability is to Allah. Allah has forbidden much of what you see around you, in schools and out in public. Don’t let Satan sway you away by the pull of your desires.”

Remember there is no other sin that has more severe punishment in Islam than adultery:

الزَÙ'انِيَةُ وَالزَÙ'انِي فَاجÙ'لِدُوا كُلَÙ' وَاحِدٍ مِنÙ'هُمَا مِائَةَ جَلÙ'دَةٍ Û– وَلَا تَأÙ'خُذÙ'كُمÙ' بِهِمَا رَأÙ'فَةٌ فِي دِينِ اللَÙ'هِ إِنÙ' كُنÙ'تُمÙ' تُؤÙ'مِنُونَ بِاللَÙ'هِ وَالÙ'ÙŠÙŽÙˆÙ'مِ الÙ'آخِرِ Û– ÙˆÙŽÙ„Ù'ÙŠÙŽØ´Ù'هَدÙ' عَذَابَهُمَا طَائِفَةٌ مِنَ الÙ'مُؤÙ'مِنِينَ {2} الزَÙ'انِي لَا ÙŠÙŽÙ†Ù'كِحُ إِلَÙ'ا زَانِيَةً Ø£ÙŽÙˆÙ' مُشÙ'رِكَةً وَالزَÙ'انِيَةُ لَا ÙŠÙŽÙ†Ù'كِحُهَا إِلَÙ'ا زَانٍ Ø£ÙŽÙˆÙ' مُشÙ'رِكٌ Ûš وَحُرِÙ'Ù…ÙŽ ذَٰلِكَ عَلَى الÙ'مُؤÙ'مِنِينَ

“The woman and the man guilty of illegal sexual intercourse, flog each of them with a hundred stripes. Let not pity withhold you in their case, in a punishment prescribed by Allah, if you believe in Allah and the Last Day. And let a party of the believers witness their punishment…””

Expound over the verses and hadeeth related to this subject with your children. Discuss and explain. Let them grasp the meanings. Tone it down if you wish, though I didn’t. Insha'Allah, it will not cause any psychological or emotional damages to the children.

Explain to them that our religion allows us only marital intimacy. Indeed, that is the most pure and blessed way of satisfying our carnal desires.

Family Expectations:

Though at schools our children are encouraged to develop their own values, studies show that high parental expectations [when well communicated] are associated with postponing sex.[i]

Parents, lay out your expectations in clear words. Make sure communication is open between you and your pre-teens/teens. Don’t rely on a religious leader of the community, do it yourself. Make sure you explicitly advise them to stay away from sex, sexual acts (oral/anal sex, homosexuality, kissing- we will discuss these in the next part, insha'Allah).

Studies shows that daughters were less likely to be sexually active when their mothers reported more discussions related to the negative consequences of premarital sex and to delaying sexual intercourse for moral reasons.”[ii]

Be Reasonable: Parents, please keep in mind that daughters don’t have to marry only doctors or engineers and sons don’t have to wait until they have an MS with an excellent job, a big house, and the latest car to get married. Please be reasonable in your expectations when talking to your teenagers.

Medical Facts:

Talk to them about contraceptives and their purpose, including condoms, their use and the failure rate.

Talk about STDs and STIs. It is best to do a Google search for STD statistics and “STD support group” and share the information with your pre-teens/teens. Read the confessions together. Discuss what wrong choices people have made. How and what could they have done differently to protect themselves.

Read about the rampant increase in diseases and health hazards of premarital sex and sexual acts. Read about:

• The compelling link between oral sex and oral cancer.
• Gardasil and HPV.
• New STIs every year in young people.
• Chlamydia: the most common bacterial STD in US and the infertility damages it can cause.
• STDs and depression.
• Condoms provide varying degrees of protection, from only 80-85% for HIV to 0% for HPV.
• 20% higher rate of STDs during anal sex.

The number of related topics is endless.

There are also “STD Educational support Groups” and it might be a good idea to actually attend a few meetings with your pre-ten/teen. Google search to find one in your local area.

Insha'Allah next week we will discuss how to talk to our pre-teens/teens about:

• Masturbation, Wet dreams, Oran/Anal sex, Homosexuality, Other sexual activities
• Are Carnal Desires Evil?
• Virtues of Chastity.
• A Few Tips on How to Keep Away from Fawahish (Indecencies).