[The following is the video and transcript of Shaykh Abdul Nasir's lecture "Happiness in the Home." The transcript includes slight modifications for the sake of readability and clarity.]

One of the most important concepts within our religion (our dīn) is something that the Qurʾān talks about extensively and something that is very, very prominent from the study of the life of the Prophet , the prophetic biography, the sīrah.  Similarly, this is something that is very extensively and emphatically addressed by the Prophet in the sacred traditions, the aḥadīth of the Prophet .   It is something that is a very obvious need of human beings and a part of the human experience, and that is the issue of family.

The issue of family is something that each and every single one of us can experience and deal with in our own ways, shape, and forms.  It is something that is relevant to each and every single human being.  When talking about the issue of family, I feel that it is very important, crucial, and critical for us – and when we look at any issue or situation such as in the āyāt the shaykh recited in the prayer on the concept of the belief in one Allāh and believing in one god and one deity, the concept of tawḥīd and oneness of God.  What is very beautiful and very important to note about how Allāh addresses the issue of tawḥīd within the Qurʾān, Allāh presents the problem.  He talks about the partners you associate with Allāh –  the false gods, false deities, false idols that you have taken other than Allāh.  One very important way in addressing any situation and one very consistent pattern throughout the Qurʾān and teachings of the Prophet that if we are to truly address any issue, any concern, any situation, then we first and foremost must come to terms with the reality of the situation.

When we talk about rehabilitation and solving any problems and resolving any type of issue, the very first step of rehabilitation is accepting that there is a problem, being aware of the problem and being cognizant of the situation and not being ashamed and not being afraid and not shying away from admitting the fact that there is a problem.  That is the first step to solving any situation and problem.

When we talk about the situation of family, something that is very near and dear to our hearts, and I think that anyone who has any level of experience in community leadership, community matters, and community affairs will very readily admit and stand up hear with me and preach about the dire need of addressing family issues, not just in society and not just in community but specifically even within the Muslim community, from our imams and our shuyukh who are on the front lines to even community leaders and community activists.  A basic khaṭīb can tell you the importance.  A Sunday school teacher and a weekend Islamic school teacher can speak to you for hours and hours about the critical need of addressing the family situation.

Coming to Terms with the Reality

What is the reality at hand?  What are our issues? What are our circumstances?  What is going on with us?

1.  One thing that we have to understand in our very unique circumstance and our very unique situation as a Muslim minority living here in America and need to come to terms with is that the problems that we are experiencing in Muslim families are the same that others are experiencing outside of the Muslim community as well.  Meaning there are certain things that are unique about our circumstances and situation, but generally speaking, a lot of what we are experiencing are general problems across the board.

We have to deal with a very specific reality, and that reality is that we live in this same society as every other faith-based community and every other ethnic community:  current, modern-day United States of America.  We are being impacted by those same social elements.  It is very important for us to understand and deal with the reality that we are similar to any other community, meaning we will be impacted by our society and the culture we live in.  The media and the impact that it is having on them is also having the same impact on us.  The effects of the school environment and interacting with other children has the same effects on them as us.

I always tell this story that I have a little bit of a unique experience.  There are many other people who have extensive experience in this regard, but I feel that in terms of a lot of people in our community today, I have a unique experience, which is simply the fact that I was raised during the 80s, which was not too young ago.  I still may be a kid to many of our elders here, but that still is a significant time ago.  I grew up during the 80s and I was a teenager during the 90s.  I grew up in a place where there were very few Muslim families.  The Muslim community is still relatively young.  It was very, very small.  Minuscule back then.

Growing up at a time like that, I got to see the evolution of the Muslim community, the development of the Muslim community until the point where we are today.  At the same time, there was amongst the immigrant Muslim community this notion and idea – and I don't mean to offend anyone – and this delusion that we're all eventually going “back home.”  That was the tone of the immigrant Muslim community in the 80s.  That was their mindset during the 80s and even leading into the 90s – that they are all eventually going back home.

There was a certain amount of denial about dealing with the issues at hand.  I remember very vividly that when people would even address social issues and social evils and family issues that were very, very common at that point in time in general American society, there was this distancing from those issues and concerns by saying, “Those are their problems, not ours.  That happens with them, not us.”

I still remember during the early 90s, one of my main teachers and mentors and senior shuyukh Mufti Naeem (ḥafiẓahullāh) used to visit the United States on an annual basis.  He would travel around and talk to communities.  I was a very young ḥāfiẓ of the Qurʾān at that time.  I was leading ṣalāt'l-tarāwīḥ for a community at a masjid and he came to visit and check on me and see how we were doing.  We had close family relationships as well.  He came to the tarāwīḥ prayers to check on me and see how I was doing, and of course we requested him to address the congregation like I am addressing you now.  He started talking about the family issues.  He was trying to emphasize adhering to the dīn and learning the dīn and the importance of instilling a system of tarbiyah within the homes and within the community so that our children could grow up with the proper Islamic perspective.  Otherwise, the social evils in family issues that we saw “out there” and “amongst them” – notice the specific language that I am using – before we know it, it will be standing at our own doorstep and be inside of our own homes and communities.

I remember being very young and shocked by the reaction.  I remember some community members becoming very angry, shouting at the shaykh and interrupting him saying, “How dare you!”  He was talking about issues like divorce, kids running away from home, children rebelling against their parents, families breaking apart and cutting each other off and disowning each other – things that have become commonplace in our communities today, right?

I still remember very vividly some community members becoming very angry.  “How dare you even talk about this stuff?  Don't even mention the word divorce!  Our children and families are here.  How dare you talk about this stuff!  These aren't our problems.  We're Muslims.  We don't have these problems.  Those are their problems.”  Pardon my use of the word – I don't condone speaking in this manner, but I'm trying to paint the picture for you of what the mentality was – “Those are the kuffār's problems.  Those aren't our problems.  We don't have those issues.”  There was such a complete denial and obliviousness and delusion present in our communities at that time.

Before you knew it, my same teacher visiting year after year, it was literally a number of years before he was opening up and giving a lecture on taqwa or ṣabr or fasting or the importance of Qurʾān and he was specifically being requested to talk about marriage.  He is specifically being requested to talk about divorce and children rebelling against their parents.

This is the reality that we have to come to terms with.  “Their problems” are the same problems we have.  There is a certain common thread between a lot of these issues; therefore, the factors are the same.  Some solutions might also be very, very similar.  We will, of course, have our own take on them because of the guidance of Allāh and the guidance of His Messenger .  Nevertheless, there are some common threads that we have to understand.  We also have to understand that we are not immune, as Muslims, Muslim families and Muslim communities, to the evils, problems, circumstances and situations that may be “out there.”  That is the very first reality.

2.  There is a second reality that I would like to address here before getting to some specifics of the family situation and the condition and situation of families.  It is very important, and we have to understand this.  A lot of times, for us, this is not wrong or incorrect in any way, shape or form, but nevertheless it is a concern and some people are very focused in this regard.

For some people, the bottom line is just spirituality.  Just Islam, īmān.  They translate Islam and īmān as just a connection with Allāh and the spiritual part of it – the spiritual relationships and the spiritual connection to Allāh.

Understand one thing:  family struggles, family difficulties, unrest, trouble, chaos, distress in the home, and unhappiness in the home affect spirituality.  It affects people's relationship with Allāh.  It has a very profound impact on an individual.  When someone is struggling in their marriage, in their relationship with their children, in their home, and the harmony in the home is gone, that will affect a person's spiritual condition.

How often has it been the case that when you are having a fight at home and are in the middle of a very serious situation with your spouse – yes the mind initially goes to making du'ā', but when it goes on and persists and becomes a serious problem and serious issue, how common is it that you forget to pray?  You don't think of the prayer.  You don't feel like getting up and praying.  You become neglectful of even your ṣalāh.  How common is that?

Understand that even unrest within the home and the emotional distress that a human experiences due to concerns in the family and distress in the family affects spirituality.  Make no mistake about that.

Key Dynamics & Relationships of the Family

Having said that, what are some of the key dynamics and key relationships of family where we are struggling, and what are some of the struggles that we are experiencing?  Then, very briefly, we'll talk a little bit about – it is a very short lecture, so obviously we can't solve the problems here and can't even in detail address the issues and solutions, but we can at least raise awareness.  Understand that raising awareness is the first step to solving any problem.  After a person admits that there is a problem, the next step is raising awareness about the issue and about some of the solutions.  We need to at least start talking about this and becoming aware.  That's what we'll do here.

Parent-Child

The very first universal dynamic of family relationships is the parent-child relationship.  Everyone is either a parent or a child.  We'll talk about marriage and some other things, but the very first universal application of family is the parent-child relationship.  Everyone is either a parent or a child.

Something very beautiful about the Qurʾān, the Book of Allāh, the ultimate source of guidance, ultimate reminder and ultimate lesson is Allāh talks about this relationship.  Allāh highlights both the problems and the solutions.  Allāh presents problematic, difficult parent-child relationships to us in the Qurʾān, and He presents to us harmonious, beautiful, happy, functional, beneficial, flourishing parent-child relationships within the Qurʾān as well to both present the problem and the solution.

The Qurʾān is not a storybook.  The Qurʾān is not a history textbook.  The Qurʾān is guidance.  It is a reminder.  It presents and solves problems.  It points out our problems to us and solves those problems for us.  When Allāh chooses to mention something in His Book and in His Speech, it is there for a reason and purpose because it is very important and very relevant.

Allāh in Sūrah Maryam, and other places as well, very extensively presents the difficult and strained relationship of Ibrāhīm with his father.  A father is frustrated with his son, and the son is frustrated with the father.  Both have their own perspectives.  The father is frustrated with the son because the son has abandoned the culture, the religion, the ways of his father, family, community, forefathers.  The son is frustrated with the father because the father is in denial about the truth – believing in one God.  They are going back and forth.  The son is telling the father very respectfully “O abati (O my dear father),” which is like how we would say, “Dad, please.  Abu, come on, please.  Baba, please.”  He is pleading with his father and says “ya abati” four times.  At the beginning of every statement, he says, “Dad, please.”  Ya abati, ya abati.  He is trying to be respectful and not point any blame.  “You are not bad, dad.  Shaytan is bad.”  He is trying to plead with the father, and the father is frustrated with the child.  “So you're trying to tell me my gods aren't good enough for you, Ibrāhīm?”  He doesn't say “my dear son.”  “I'll kill you!”  It literally means in Arabic, “I'll stone you,” which is an expression in Arabic meaning “I'll kill you.  I'll hurt you.  You need to stop know, I'll hurt you.”  “Get out of here, you are dead to me.  You are nothing to me.”  Look how difficult that relationship is.  Allāh presents such a parent-child relationship.

Ya'qūb with the older sons is a strained relationship.  They are jealous:  “He likes Yūsuf better than he likes us.  He chooses Yūsuf over us.  He loves Yūsuf more than he loves us.  Why?”  The father is trying to make the sons understand.  “What is wrong with you guys?  Why would you even say that?  Why would you even think that?”  The father knows that the sons have taken their younger brother and disposed of him.  The father knows they are lying to his face, but what can he do?  This is a difficult relationship.

A parent-child relationship is something that Allāh tells us:  “There are lessons.”  There will be difficulties in the parent-child relationship.  The child will feel like the parents just don't understand them, and the parents will be frustrated with the child.  “I only want good for you.  Why won't you listen to me?”  The child says, “You don't understand me!”  The parent says, “You don't listen to me!”  I think all of us have experienced that.  SubḥānAllāh something that is unique about this relationship, this is not only when the children are young.  This is not only in the teenage years.  Those who are older and have older parents also know the struggles and the challenges.  That is why you know that very famous ayah of the Qurʾān from Sūrat'l-Isrā', “Don't even say uff to your parents.”

Do you know what context it is in?  It is specifically talking about when one or both of your parents have reached senility and have become old and senile.  Now they are angry.  They are frustrated and their body is falling apart.  They are ill and sick.  They can't eat properly, they can't sleep properly, they can't walk properly.  Do you know how difficult that is?  As young, able-bodied people we have no understanding of how frustrating that must be.  Imagine living your life on your own feet and being independent for 50, 60 years and then one day you cannot even get up and go get a glass of water by yourself and can't get a glass of water by yourself.  Imagine what that's like.  They are angry.  They are short-tempered, frustrated.  Even the mind begins to go.  The emotions become frail.  Allāh tells us, “They get returned back to the worst of ages.”

One of my dear, dear friends, one of my best friends, accepted Islam in middle school and we grew up together.  He is a convert and his parents are not Muslim yet.  Make du'ā' for them inshā'Allāh.  May Allāh bless them with guidance, hidāyah.  Both of his parents are old and have health issues, but his mother suffered a very severe stroke recently to the point where she lost a lot of function in half her body.  He told me, “Nasir, you know when life hits you and you wake up to the reality of life, the reality of so many things hit you in the face.  60 miles per hour.”  He is working and working hard.  He travels for work and has to be away from his parents because he is financially supporting them and paying the medical bills for the nurse to be there to take care of his mother.  All of the responsibility is on him.  He said, “I was visiting my parents over the weekend, back home from work and off the road.  I went back to my parents and was with them over the weekend.  I sat there and fed my mother with a spoon.  I spoon-fed my own mom.”

SubḥānAllāh.  That's when I realized.  You know when you sit there and feed your child?  I have a two-year old at home.  When you sit there and feed your child and say, “Come on, come on.  Open up.”

Another one of my dear, dear friends, we studied together.  We grew up together and are like brothers.  His mother also has very difficult health and suffered a stroke and is dealing with a lot.  I visited him and his mother with him.  Having to force her to speak and to talk and to interact and to eat, asking, “Come on, did you eat your food?”  SubḥānAllāh.

Allāh is talking about when parents reach old age.  My grandmother , may Allāh bless her and grant her Jannat'l-Firdaws, developed Alzheimer's before she passed away.  SubḥānAllāh.  I witnessed that and I witnessed my mother, aunt, and uncle experiencing that.  The mind was gone.  Allāh in that context is speaking about our parents becoming old, the difficulty and the frustration with parents.  Teenagers say, “You are making my life difficult.  God, you hate me.  Why do you hate me so much?  You never want to let me do anything.  You want to ruin my life.”  Usually it is about sleeping over at a friend's house on a Friday night.  “But everyone is going to be there.  You are destroying my life.”  The frustration that kids have with parents is not relegated to teenagers.  Anyone who has elderly parents and is an adult now and mature now – “I'm an adult.  I'm mature now.  I don't have drama.  I don't have teenage hormones.  I'm not going through that phase in my life.  I'm not an adolescent” – you still know about the frustration with parents, don't you?  You might be an adult and you might not have drama anymore, but now your parents are old and fragile and senile and demanding.  They don't want your money.  “I've paid their bills, what more do they want?  I send money every month, what more do they want?”  They just want to sit and talk to you.  That's all they want.  They still want to know that they exist and matter to you.  They still want you to ask their opinion about something like you used to.

Allāh is speaking specifically.  Frustration with parents is a universal thing.  Everyone is dealing with it.  Similarly, frustration with the children and disappointment with children is a universal thing.  When they are kids, they don't listen, they don't learn, they don't pay attention.  The world is opening up to my four year-old and she is starting to become more and more independent every single day.  It is already awkward for her now.  I dropped by her school and walked into the classroom and saw her working.  You know, when your children are small, or at any age for that matter, when you look at your children, you are overcome with love.  The love just fills your heart.  I hadn't seen her for three hours – she went to school at 8 in the morning and I'm there at 11 and it already feels like a lifetime.  What did I do?  I walked up to her from behind her and hugged her and kissed her.  She said, “Abuuu, stop!”  When she got home later that day, she tells my wife, “Mommy, Abu hugged me and kissed me in front of everybody.”  I'm like, “What's wrong with that?  Of course I hugged you and kissed you because you are my baby girl!”

It starts there, and they start to become independent.  Anybody who has teenagers, they know.  I was recently talking to a friend and colleague, another imam, and we were all getting together and talking about how much we love our communities and how amazing our lives are, māshā'Allāh.  We are all fairly younger and all have small children and babies except for one of colleagues who has a teenager.  It struck me.  I asked him, “We talk and lecture so much and preach all the time.  How is it having a teenager?”  He says, “Ya, Al-Salām. Make du'ā' for me.”  That's all he could say.

The disappointment and frustration with children is universal, whether they are kids or teenagers and even when your children are all grown up.  You think my parents don't still get frustrated with me?  Of course they do.  Even when they are all grown up and have kids of their own and are responsible individuals and have a job and a home and a family, they is still always going to be frustration because of what I just mentioned.  “You don't have time for me anymore?  You can't come and say 'hi'?  You can't say salām to your mom?”

My mom text messages me, which weirds me out.  There is something that seems unnatural about an older Pakistani woman text messaging.  It's like, why do you even know how to text message?  She text messages me and she expects a text message back.  If I don't respond back in the next couple of minutes because I was lecturing or teaching, then I get a follow-up text message with a question mark.  The next one has two question marks.  The third one has three question marks.  “Where are you?”  It's a universal thing to be frustrated with your children.  All of us experience this.

That's one of the situations and dynamics in which we require some guidance and need some direction.  I'm going to lay out some of the key family relationships and what are their issues, and then we are going to talk about implementation of some of the solutions.

Marriage & Spousal Relationship

The second family dynamic that we struggle with and are experiencing problems in regards to is marital discord, starting all the way from pre-marriage, how to get married.  It is a universal problem and has become a very common problem.  You can ask the shaykh.  How many young people show up at his doorstep?  “I want to get married to so-and-so but this problem or her parents or my parents or this or that…”  It starts from there.  Even problems in the marriage.

Sometimes in a rush of emotions or even in religious overzealousness, “I have to avoid the sin and avoid the fitnah and get married.”  Who, when, why, what, how – “Doesn't matter, brother.  It's the Sunnah.”  I'm pretty sure getting married blindly is not the Sunnah, but that's what happens.  Very, very young people are getting married in religious overzealousness or a rush of emotions.  A couple of years into marriage, they realize they didn't know the person they got married to.

It's becoming so common for young people and newlywed couples to be divorced within a number of months or even a couple of years if not a couple of months.  Lack of responsibility in a marriage.  A husband not taking his responsibility seriously.  A wife not behaving responsibly.  When you have young children, so many couples experience marital issues and problems.  Why?  “He is not being a father to his children.”  “She is not being a good mother.”  Lack of responsibility.

In-law interference. 

This is a term I came up with.  You know pass interference for football fans?  In-law interference (TM).  It is a major issue.  You have a clash of cultures and a clash of worlds and dimensions happening.  Is all interference from in-laws bad?  Absolutely not.  Nevertheless, the dynamics of that interference and how that interference is causing problems.  The in-law problem.

Lack of Maturity

Rushing into decisions and rushing into marriage.  Prioritization.  For some people, work comes before the family.  For some people, the religious cause, the organization, the association, the movement, the spreading of the dīn comes before family.  That is becoming a problem.  Families are being torn apart why?  Honestly, this is an oxymoron.  If somebody's family failed because of their service to the dīn and because of da'wah, it doesn't even make sense and is a contradiction.  It is an oxymoron and impossible.  It obviously means that somebody did not understand the dīn or religion.

Lack of Communication

In prioritization, there is another thing.  Sometimes it can be the religion and sometimes it can be work, money, greed, and that is justified by saying, “But I want to give you guys a nice home to live in.  I want to give you guys the life that I never had.  I want our kids to go to the best school.”  What happens because of that?  We destroy the family that we were using for justification to chase after money.

Sometimes it's my own hobbies and indulgences.  “I'm married but I still have to play Modern Warfare all night long with my friends.”  “I'm married but I still have to go to the basketball tournament.  I work all week and Saturday is the basketball tournament and the wife is waiting, and we're finally going to spend some good quality time together but I have to go ball with the boys.”  My own personal hobbies and my own personal indulgences.  This is football country.  I come from Dallas, another football area, so you guys will understand what I'm talking about.  Saturday is college ball and bowl games, which equals twelve hours of fun in front of the television.  “What the spouse does is their problem. I'm sorry, I'm not going to change me.  I'm not changing for anybody.  You married me and that's what you get.  I heard you say, 'I accept,' so you accepted ASU football as well, as terrible as it is.”  Sunday is football – NFL game day.  I have the NFL package where it is 8 screens on the TV at one time.  In a 12-hour period, I watch 15 games simultaneously.  Congratulations.  Mubarak.  Do you want a cookie?  Or maybe a laddoo?  What do you want?

Prioritization

Prioritization and a lack of sense of what the priorities are.  In this culture we have a challenge.  I was born and raised in Dallas, TX.  From this culture's perspective, I will tell you one huge problem we have with prioritization, something that we put before families that is very unique and specific to this culture.  There is a phrase and expression that guides you.  I can't repeat it here.  It is offensive and inappropriate and this is the masjid and House of Allāh, so it's impossible and I wouldn't because it is inappropriate.  They basically say, “bros before ____.”  Don't say it!  They use a very derogatory word about women.  It is basically putting your friends before women even though that word doesn't even apply to a person's wife, astaghfirullāh.

Nevertheless, that same concept is applied to marriage.  “Uh-uh, my friends come first.  Going to hang with the boys.”  This isn't even specific to the guys.  It is even in regards to the women.  If a woman gets married and is a wife now, how dare she not go out with the friends to dinner?  They get shunned and outcast by their unmarried friends.  They get pushed out by their unmarried friends.  This is a real struggle that people are having.  They literally have to reinvent their friends circle and rediscover friends.  First when they get married, the unmarried friends want no part.  “She has no time for us anymore.  She has to go and spend time with her husband.”  Like that is a ridiculous concept.

The young married friends who don't have children say about the first one to have children, “God, she's so lame to hang out with now.  Everything is about a diaper and milk.”  God forbid she be a good mother, right?  Now she is being again outcast by her friends and she has to go out there and discover other mom friends.  This is a struggle people have.  People crumble underneath that pressure.  “My friends have to be put first.  What am I going to do without my friends?”  The marriage, the children, everything will come second.  The marriage struggles because of a lack of prioritization.

Lack of communication.  That's one of the most universal issues and problems.  Never establishing a line of communication let alone being comfortable communicating concerns, problems or even good things.  Nothing is communicated.   Lines of communication are never established.  Again, this is a culture in which we pride ourselves in individuality and independence.  “I'm independent and my own self and I don't need anybody's help.”  That manifests itself and creates problems even in marriages.

Unwillingness to Compromise

“Why should I change anything about myself?  If you don't like the way things are, then you deal with it.”   Complete total lack of compromise.  Absolutely no motivation and no inclination to sacrifice anything.  “I should not have to sacrifice anything.”  This on both sides of the marriage.  I'm not sitting here giving some old school lecture about women having to sacrifice.  This is on both sides.

I feel that especially some of the very unique dynamics we have, I can speak about my generation and our challenges.  I feel that lack of sacrifice and unwillingness to sacrifice exists actually more amongst the guys than it does amongst the girls.  Just complete and total unwillingness to sacrifice anything.

Sibling Rivalry

Then a third manifestation, which I'll talk about more briefly, of family issues or family problems is sibling rivalry.  It's a little more unique that even marriage, but nevertheless it is a problem and issue, whether it is the parents favoring unknowingly and unintentionally one child over another that harbors and creates resentment amongst the children for each other.

As families and parents, we have to learn to be sensitive to the strengths and weaknesses of each and every child.  Be cognizant of what is each child's needs.  If something works for one child, maybe that is not what will work for the other child.  Be cognizant of their specific needs.

Not creating and not fostering an environment of competition amongst the children where they feel they have to compete for the parents' love and approval.  I hate to bring up personal things, but I'll mention it.  Abdullah, the crazy guy running around and setting up all of the gadgetry here, is my younger brother.  From what you see here, that's exactly what you get.  I'm the one talking on the microphone and he is the one recording, editing, and uploading the videos, doing all the back-end video work, but there's not a sense of competition.  We have to learn to appreciate what everybody brings to the table.  We have to learn to respect everybody and not compete with each other in regards to what we are doing.  We need to not create an environment of competition but one of collaboration.  When we collaborate and come together, how unbelievable of a strong unit we can become as a family and siblings and brothers and sisters.

I know I'm going to date myself with this reference, but does anybody remember Voltron?  It's like Voltron.  For somebody a little younger, Captain Planet.

Solutions

What are some solutions that we can begin to implement to repair this family situation?

1.  Spirituality

I talked about this in the beginning, and I'll bring it up here again.  When we repair our relationship with Allāh – understand that our relationship with Allāh is the basis and foundation of everything in our lives.  This is something we say in the Qurʾān, this is something we say in adhkār, this is something we say in supplications and du'ā's.  That is:  “Allāh is the source of all blessings.  Allāh is the One that grants blessings.”

There are aḥadīth and traditions and narrations to the effect that when we repair our relationship with Allāh, Allāh will repair everything else.  When a person is beloved to Allāh, Allāh has what announcement made in the heavens and on the earth as well?  “Allāh says, 'I love him, so everybody else love him as well.  O Jibrīl, I love him so you love him.'  Jibrīl says, 'Allāh loves him, I love him, so all of the inhabitants of heaven love him.'”  The inhabitants of the heavens, the malā'ikah, come down to the earth and say what?  “Allāh loves him, Jibrīl loves, we love him, so therefore all of you love him or her.”

When we fix things with Allāh, Allāh will but barakah and blessings in everything else in our lives.  This is something that is very obvious.  That's why the Prophet said, “Tell your families to pray, and you be regular and punctual about prayer yourself. You be steadfast about the prayer yourself.  Tie yourself upon the prayer.”

Talking about the parent-child relationship, we have to learn to repair our relationships.  The parents must repair their relationships with Allāh.  That is why we are taught a du'ā':  “Rabbana habb lana min azwājina wa dhurriyyātina qurrata a'yun waj'alna lilmuttaqīna imāma.”  Make our spouses and our children the coolness of our eyes, and make all of us the leaders of the muttaqīn.  We have to repair spirituality – the parents and the children – and do it together as a family.  Pray together as a family.  Make du'ā'.  First fix your relationship with Allāh, and that will put barakah and blessings and start to repair the relationship with the family members.

Marriage:  In āyah 238 of Sūrat'l-Baqarah, Allāh says, “Very carefully, very cautiously, very diligently watch over the prayers.”  Do you know what is very interesting about this ayah?  Allāh mentions this ayah in the middle of a passage which talks about divorce.  In the middle of giving us advice about divorce, Allāh says, “Watch over the prayers.”  Why?  Because maybe you are having problems in your marriage because you are having problems with your relationship with Allāh.  Go back and fix your relationship with Allāh and put barakah and blessings and raḥmah and the Mercy of Allāh back into your marriage.

The houses in which Qurʾān is recited, the inhabitants of the heavens and skies have the stars shine onto the inhabitants of the earth.  Our houses become filled with nūr and barakah and blessing when we recite Qurʾān in them.  The Prophet would pray the farḍ daily prayers in the masjid.  Where would he pray his sunnah and nawāfil prayers?  In the home.  Do you know what that means for the Prophet ?  This is the masjid and that's the home.  Do you see the difference?  He would take four steps and be in his home, but he would still go and make the distinction and establish the fact that he would take those four steps, cross through the curtain, and pray in the home where the wife and family members were.  Bring spirituality back into your life, home, parent-child relationship, and marriage and see how it repairs.

When you have spirituality and a good relationship with Allāh, it makes you secure in yourself.  It gives you confidence and removes the insecurities.  The parents are not insecure about their children.  The children are not so constantly skeptical or paranoid about the parents.  Even sibling rivalry – they become secure in themselves through their relationship with Allāh.

The Prophet of Allāh was told this same point.  In Sūrah Ya Sīn, Allāh says, “Don't doubt yourself, you are most definitely from the messengers.”  It gives you that sense of security.  First spirituality needs to be re-established.  We need to fix the relationship with Allāh.  Family relationships will start to get better.

2.  Establishing Communication

The second basic step is establishing communication. If you don't have it, establish it, as awkward and as difficult as that might be.  Initially when you establish communication, it is like pulling teeth, but establish it.  If you have it, then broaden it and work on it and continue to build on it and maintain it.  Open it further.  Communication is very important.

I told you how Allāh presents certain difficult parent-child relationships in the Qurʾān.  Allāh also presents beautiful parent-child relationships in the Qurʾān.  Luqmān does what to his son?  Does he yell at him?  Does he say, “Hey, you stupid boy, come here”?  He says, “Ya bunaya,” which literally means in Arabic “my small son.”  This is an Arabic expression for saying “my dear son, my beloved son.” Like when you have a nickname for your child, when you speak to your child with love.  He talks to his child.  He is advising him, not lecturing him and not wagging his finger at him.  He is not yelling at him.  He is not scolding him and not constantly telling his son how disappointed he is in him.  He is having a conversation with his son.  “My dear son.”

Yūsuf sees a dream, a life-altering and life-changing dream.  What did he do with that dream?  Go and tell his friends?  Text message his friends?  Updates his Facebook status?  No.  He goes and talks to his father.  He says, “Ya abati (my dear, dear father),…”  He speaks to his father and communicates to his father.

The Prophet , the best husband of all times, did what?  He would communicate with his wives. 'Ā'ishah says, “I never saw anyone do more counsel and shūrah than the Prophet .  Nobody would consult in anything more – not just community affairs or religious affairs but even the affairs of the home.  He would talk to us.  He would communicate to us.”  At Ḥudaybiyyah when the Prophet was frustrated at the ṣaḥābah who were dumbfounded and speechless, he is telling them to shave their heads, sacrifice their animals, and open their iḥrām, and they were not getting up and going because they were dumbfounded and overwhelmed and almost traumatized by what happened that they have to go back without doing 'Umrah, the Prophet did what?  Who does he speak to?  His wife, Umm Salamah.  He speaks to his wife about being a prophet and the affairs of prophethood.  He communicates.  He doesn't go there and throw a fit.  “Where is my food?  Why is this place always dirty?  What is wrong with you?  Why are you looking at me like that?  What is your problem?  Why are the kids always making noise?”  He doesn't take it out on her.  He goes in there and says, “I don't know what to do.  What is wrong?  They are just not moving.”  It's not like they are not listening or not obeying.  Wa na'ūdhu billāh.  These are the ṣaḥābah .  But they are dumbfounded and traumatized.  She gives him advice, and subḥānAllāh that advice works.

The wives of the Prophet felt so comfortable openly speaking to him.  There is a famous story about Umar saying something to his wife, and his wife says, “Uh-uh.  I ain't about to do that.  I don't agree with you.”  From back in the day and old school mentality of Makkah and the Quraysh, he was like, “What?  Did you just speak back to me?”  She says, “Yes.  What's wrong with that? The Prophet doesn't mind.”  “What do you mean the Prophet doesn't mind?”  The daughter of 'Umar , Ḥafṣah, was one of the wives of the Prophet , umm'l-mu'minīn.  “She speaks emotionally and he doesn't mind.”  He says, “What?”  He rushes over there and says, “Girl, have you lost your mind?  You speak back to the Prophet of Allāh ?”  She says, “No, it's communication.  He tells us to speak our minds.  He asks us what we think about things.  He doesn't mind.”  Communication.  It helps in the parent-child relationship as we see in the example of Luqmān and Yūsuf.  It most definitely helps in a marriage.

Establishing communication.  Then paying attention to how you communicate.  In a parent-child relationship, the parent might say, “Yeah, I talk to him everyday.”  But if all you say to your child is “clean up your room,” then yes, you speak to your child everyday.  “Clean up your room.  Did you do your homework?  Why do you fail your tests?  Why are you so stupid?”  If you speak to your child, that is not enough.  How you communicate matters as well.  What do you say?  How do you speak?  Lovingly.  Kindly.

When spouses speak to each other, if everything is a sarcastic jab: “So you didn't make food today, huh?” – that is not a question, by the way.  You know that is not a question.  “Oh, so I guess you are busy today, huh?”  That is not a question.  That's a slap in the face.  Nothing good comes from communication like that.  You have to give the benefit of the doubt and be open and loving and caring and considerate.

Having credibility and understand when you start to communicate, the problem will not fix itself overnight.  One day you try to have a nice conversation:  “What's going on with you?  I hope you are doing well.  Everything is good.”  And for now you have a history of ten or fifteen years of bad communication and have one nice twenty-minute conversation and the other side is not warming up to you yet, don't be like “See, you are obviously wrong.  I tried and I was nice, and it didn't work.  See, it doesn't work.  My way works.  You don't know what you are talking about.”  It doesn't change overnight.

The Prophet of Allāh was ṣādiq'l-amīn and then he presented the message.  You have to have some credibility and establish that credibility.  You have to establish trust, and it won't happen overnight.

3.  Prioritization

Spirituality, communication, and the third area where we can work on to improve these family relationships is like what I mentioned extensively:  prioritization.  We have to put these family relationships in the right priority, and that is making time for family whether that is a parent-child relationship or a spousal relationship, make time for each other.  Even the sibling rivalry can be solved by spending time together and making time for each other.

Just as a clarification for the father who works tirelessly, and that is fine and respected, but understand that you might say, “I spend eight hours a day at home,” but you spend those eight hours a day sleeping on your face.”  That doesn't count as family time.  “You know, I come home, don't I?”  Yeah you come home, use the bathroom, and go to sleep.  That doesn't count as spending time with your spouse.  You have to spend good, quality family time with each other.  You have to make time for each other.  Put each other as a first priority.

Here comes the shocking part.  We have to redefine the boundaries of 'ibādah.  There is no guilt in spending time with family.  Yes, it should not deter you from your basic responsibilities to Allāh .  Ṣalāh is ṣalāh.  Prayer is prayer.  But at the same time we do have to redefine the boundaries of 'ibādah, of nafl (extra worship).  Having a nice, quiet intimate dinner with your spouse and having a candlelit dinner with your wife is 'ibādah.  It is a virtuous deed.  Good deed.  Reward.  Yes!  I'm not crazy.

You know when you wrestle around with your children and play with your kids – my kids are young – and play hide-and-go-seek (where my daughter constantly cheats, all the time, so when it's my turn to hide and her turn to seek, she counts while looking at me.)  Alḥamdulillāh, I've developed a lot of upper body strength.  Do you know how?  Swings.  Non-stop.  These kids never get tired. I think there's a possibility my daughters could grow up to be pilots.  They never get tired of being on a swing.  My younger one is two-years old, and the first thing she does after she wakes up in the morning is go to the backdoor because we have a swing set in the backyard, and she says, “Outside!”  That is code for “let me outside.”  She doesn't waste a lot of time and is very impatient.  If her request is not immediately obliged, then the second time, “Outside!”  And the third time, it is a straight up scream.  “Outside!!!”  Spending quality time with them.  Making time for them.  You know what?  Playing hide-and-go-seek with your kids and pushing them on the swings is an act of worship.  It is an act of 'ibādah.

The Messenger of Allāh told the ṣaḥābah that when spouses (husband and wife) experience intimacy with each other – I'm going to speak in general terms because we have a broad audience.  When a husband and wife experience intimacy with each other, physical intimacy, the Prophet of Allāh said, “It is a virtuous act.”  The ṣaḥābah were shocked just as much as you probably are.  Are you serious?  Is that for real?  The Prophet of Allāh had very simple logic.  If you were to commit the same physical act outside of a marriage, would it be a sin?  Yes.  This is an act of reward and an act of virtue in marriage.  What lesson we learn from that is engaging in the actual relationship and seeking emotional pleasure in the relationship is a virtuous act and an act of reward.

Something that is established through research and something I learned a practical lesson from my own father as a role model for me was:  My dad was very involved at the masjid and one of the founders of the masjid that we all grew up going to, and alḥamdulillāh at retirement age he was able to found another masjid in a new area we moved to.  My uncles and dad were always involved in this frontline, and māshā'Allāh alḥamdulillāh I learned from them.  But you know, one thing though?  Being on the board of the masjid, being a founder of the masjid, being involved in the da'wah activity at the masjid, it never got in the way of the family and was never put before family.  There could be a meeting going on in the masjid and my dad would get a call and he would say, “Excuse me, I'm not going to be able to make it to the meeting at the masjid.  If that gets me kicked off the board, fine then kick me off.”  My dad owned his own business, by the way.  How many people here own their own business?  A businessman knows that the job never ends.  A businessman never clocks out.  A businessman lives, eats, and sleeps his business.  But everyday there was a cut-off time for my dad.  5 o'clock, done.  Doors closed, the phone goes off.  “You'll pay extra if I come right now?  It's okay, I guess I'll just see you tomorrow.  You're going to go to somebody else?  Then I guess you'll go to somebody else.   My rizq is given by Allāh.  I'm not going to sacrifice my family.”  5 o'clock everyday.  Then he came home and sat with us, talked to us, played with us, helped us with our homework.  Then we ate dinner together as a family.  Then when dinner was done, he went for ṣalāt'l-'ishā'at the masjid and I went with him.  But that was every single day.  Nothing would get in the way of that.  Not the business, not the meeting at the masjid, not the da'wah activity, nothing.  Family first.

We have to learn that prioritization and that attitude, redefining these boundaries of 'ibādah and worship and understanding what's important.  It's very, very important that we understand what's important.

The Center for Substance Abuse and Addiction at Columbia University published research and Time magazine ran the story in June 2006.  I recommend you go and look it up and read it.  It talks about how families and homes where they eat one meal together every single day are happier, healthier homes and families because they spend quality time together.

One of the recommendations that I mentioned from the Qurʾān is praying ṣalāh together.  Merge family time and spirituality together.  When you are going to go to the park, pray ẓuhr and then head out to the park.  You are going to go for ice cream?  Pray  'ishā' and then go out for ice cream.  Merge these together and create a positive association.  That is how you can do tarbiyah with your family and children and instill the dīn within your children.  Eating meals together brings the hearts together.

4. Expressing Love & Appreciation

The fourth area that we can work on is expressing love and appreciation for each other.  There is no such thing as showing too much love.  Expectations have its place, rules and boundaries have their place.  I'm not talking about that.  We confuse love with those things.  Have discipline, have boundaries, have limitations, have rules, have consequences.  Have all of that, but express love.  Tell your children how much you love them.  Tell your spouse how much you love them.  Show appreciation.  Don't just have appreciation.  “Oh, but I do appreciate you.  Do I have to show it?  Do I have to buy you flowers?”  Yes, you do!  Do you have to take her out for a nice meal?  Yes.  Do I have to tell you how much I love you, and do I have to hug and kiss you?  Yes!  Very, very, very important!

I understand that this breaks certain cultural taboos.  In certain cultures, its awkward and strange for a father to tell his children “I love you” when they put them to bed at night and when they wake up in the morning and when they salām. “Al-salāmu 'alaykum.  How are you guys doing?  Everything is ok?  I love you guys.”  I know that it seems awkward or taboo in certain cultures, but again, I go back to the very first point that I made, you have to understand where you children are coming from.  You have to understand human expectations and in the parent-child relationship and marital relationship, expressing love and appreciation.

5. Make Du'ā'

The last and final point I'll make here:  make du'ā'.  Never forget to make du'ā'.  Allāh taught us a comprehensive du'ā':  “Rabbana habb lana min azwājina wa dhurriyyātina qurrata a'yun waj'alna lilmuttaqīna imāma.”   Coolness of the eyes.  Do you know what coolness of the eyes means?  It is an ancient Arabic expression.  To understand an expression sometimes, you have to look at them and understand them from the perspective of the people who used that expression.  You have to understand it from their perspective.  The ancient Arabs would say this.  You guys living in Arizona will be able to relate to this.  Imagine the summer time in the middle of the desert.   It is 120 degrees outside, but imagine you don't have these comfortable buildings and structures.  Imagine you don't have air conditioning and fans.  You are out there in the middle of the desert in the scorching heat.  Hot winds are blowing the hot sand into your eyes.  Even now with air conditioning and everything that you have, sometimes in the summer how dry do your eyes get?  How irritated do your eyes become, and how much do they itch?  Imagine being out in the desert without all this luxury and experiencing that.  Your eyes feel like they are on fire.  Your eyes feel like you want to rip them out and scratch them until they are gone.  Then you come across some cool, clean water, and you take that water and splash it into your eyes and on your face.  How refreshing and invigorating and how amazing that would feel.

We are saying, “O Allāh, when I look at my spouse, when I look at my children, make it feel like I just splashed cool, clean water in my eyes and face.  Refresh me.  And make all of us from the muttaqīn imams and leaders of the most pious and righteous.  Make us role models for generations to come.”

In connection with this, these are just like I said initially, some topics and concerns that have been on my mind for a long, long time. As you see from the context of the Qurʾān and sīrah and ḥadīth of the Prophet , this is a very core concept of our religion and faith and this is a basic human need and concern. Alḥamdulillāh, this is just a short conversation that I wanted to share.  This is part of a larger project that I am embarking on through Qalam Institute.  We are going to have a traveling program called Happiness in the Home where we will be traveling around the country to different communities and have a full seminar talking about some of these concerns and implementing more practical solutions so we can better the condition and situation of families throughout our communities, inshā'Allāh.

These are just some thoughts and things that I wanted to share with the community here today.  Again I want to thank you for being patient and listening and being attentive.  I hope and I pray that this was a source of benefit for everyone.  Jazākum Allāh khayran.

May Allāh accept from all of us and give us the ability to practice that which we have heard.  Al-salāmu 'alaykum wa raḥmatullāh.

[The following is the video and transcript of Shaykh Abdul Nasir's lecture "ṣalāh in Focus." The transcript includes slight modifications for the sake of readability and clarity.]

The title of the lecture is ṣalāh in focus – creating some focus in regards to ṣalāh.  Let's go back to a time in the history of our ummah when the focus of ṣalāh was solidified.  The most important period in our history is the life of the Prophet .  To understand the focus ṣalāh has in our dīn (religion) and in the life of the Prophet , we have to go back to the most difficult and tragic time in the life of the Prophet : a period of his life remembered as The Year of Grief and Sorrow.

What happened during this time that makes it The Year of Grief and Sorrow?  What events led to the focus on ṣalāh (prayer)?  Probably the greatest personal tragedy.  There were many difficult events and moments of the life of the Prophet but the greatest personal tragedy of the life of the Prophet was the passing of his beloved wife Khadījah .  One common complaint that I have – and I make this complaint often to my students and my own community – is that too often, I find that particularly in regards to the sīrah, we have either a Wikipedia approach to the life of the Prophet or an entertainment-like approach to the life of the Prophet .

How so?  Let me explain.  When we typically talk about the life and life experiences of the Prophet , it is either a Wikipedia approach, meaning a bunch of random facts and bullet points and you just keep clicking 'Next' and scroll down the page.  You read that in the 11^th year of prophethood, the wife of the Prophet Khadījah died and then move down the list.

Or, it is an entertainment like approach, which means that if last week a another speaker gave a lecture on the passing of Khadījah and I show up this week and say, “Today as your guest speaker I'd like to talk about the death of the beloved wife of the Prophet Khadījah ,” right away somebody will say, “Excuse me, brother, we have already covered that and heard about it last week.”

Why do I call that an entertainment-like approach?  How do we treat entertainment?  If you have seen an episode of a sitcom once and then are flipping through the channels and that same episode that you just saw last week is being shown again, are you going to sit there and watch it?  No, you will change the channel because you've already seen this episode.  Maybe if there was nothing on and you've flipped through all the other channels and there happened to be a pretty good episode of that show, you may watch it for a second time.  When it is on for a third time, you are not going to watch it.  Let's just say it was a really great episode, you might watch it a third time, but at this point in time you can say the lines before they say the lines and can deliver the punch line before they do on the TV show.   When the same episode is coming on for the fourth time, are you going to watch it again?  Absolutely not!

If you have read an issue of a magazine once, you don't read it again.  When you are sitting in the waiting room of the doctor's office and pick it up, and it is last month's issue which you have already read completely, you put it down and pick up another magazine.  You don't read yesterday's paper again today.

It is either the grabbing of random information or entertainment.  Unfortunately, our approach learning about the life of the Prophet has become very similar to that.  “We already read that.  We already covered that.  We already talked about that.”

My goal here today, which is something we need to institute as a habit and practice, is that we need to really understand and grasp and put ourselves in those shoes.  We need to fully comprehend, understand, and grasp what the Prophet was going through.

Context of the Revelation of Prayer

In an effort to do that, let me tell you what it means when in the 11^th year of prophethood, the wife of the Prophet Khadījah dies.  At this point in time, the Prophet had been married to Khadījah for more than 25 years.  If you are younger than 25 years old, then the Prophet had been married to Khadījah for longer than you have been alive.  25 years is a lifetime.  Grasp that.

Do you know what happens in 25 years?  It is like you become one.  You know each other completely.  At that point in time, you know what the other person is thinking and what the other person will do before they do it.  You know what they are going to say and can complete their sentences.  You know everything about that person.  You are intimately connected.  Imagine 25 years of your most private, intimate, loving moments of your life with one person.  Think about how deep that connection was and how profound and deep-rooted that love was.  I know this sounds very cliché and to some people uncomfortable, but she was the love of the Prophet's life.  She was his soul mate and partner in life.  How do we know that?  We understand this when we read and hear about the Prophet's reaction to the memory of Khadījah years after she passed away.

During the time of the Battle of Badr, which was about four years after Khadījah had passed away, he had remarried and moved to a different city.  It's like we say, he had picked up the pieces and moved on with his life.  Life had moved on – he lived in a different place and was remarried.  So much had happened since then.

During the Battle of Badr, one of the prisoners of war was his son-in-law, the husband of his eldest daughter Zaynab .  The policy that the Prophet had instituted at that time was that the prisoners would be released if they were literate and taught 10 Muslim children how to read and write or if they couldn't do that, the family could send some amount of money to secure their release, and then they would be released back to their home, family, and people.

The son-in-law of the Prophet was a prisoner.  The daughter of the Prophet sends some jewelry – a necklace – to secure the ransom of her husband.  The Prophet had so much going on, he doesn't realize, and the ṣaḥābah say, “The next prisoner in question is so-and-so.  This necklace has been sent to secure his ransom.”  The moment the Prophet looked at the necklace, tears began to stream from his eyes.  He was overcome by sadness.  The ṣaḥābah asked the Messenger of Allāh, “O Messenger of Allāh , did we bother you?  Did we disturb you?  Is everything ok?”  The Messenger of Allāh said, “Everything is fine.  This necklace used to belong to my wife Khadījah . She gave it to our eldest daughter Zaynab, and Zaynab has sent it today as ransom.  Just looking at the necklace reminds me of the old days with Khadījah.  I can't control myself”  The Prophet was so concerned about Zaynab being able to hold on to this lasting memory of her mother that the Prophet requested permission from the ṣaḥābah: “If you don't mind, can we release my son-in-law to go back to his wife, my daughter, with the necklace?  I don't want my daughter to lose this memory of her mother.”  That's how strong the memory of Khadījah was in the heart of the Prophet .

Years later, the year before the passing of the Prophet when convoy after convoy was coming to Madīnah to accept Islam, one of the convoys that came from Yemen had a beautiful, expensive garment like a shawl, which was sent by the leader as a gift for the Prophet .  When the Prophet received this very exquisite gift, he took the gift and called one of the young ṣaḥābah in the community who would run his errands and said, “Take this garment to the house of that old woman who lives next to so-and-so.”  One of the wives of the Prophet doesn't know this woman and is puzzled.  She says, “Who is this random old woman that you sent such a nice gift to?  I know she is not related to you because I know your family.”  The Prophet responds by saying, “She is one of the old buddies of Khadījah.  Until today, I like to thank and remember and send gifts to Khadījah's friends to thank her for the years of friendship she gave to my late, beloved wife Khadījah.”  That was the memory of Khadījah in the heart of the Prophet .

One of the younger ṣaḥābah who never saw the era of Khadījah and never benefitted from her asked the Prophet , “O Messenger of Allāh, we hear a lot about our mother Khadījah but did not have the pleasure and honor of meeting, seeing, and knowing her.  What was she like?  Describe her to us.”  The narration says, “Innaha kānat…wa kānat (She was…)”  As an expression, what this means is that he is saying, “She was…she just was.  I don't even know where to start.  Where do you want me to begin?  I cannot even put into words how amazing she was.”  That was how strongly the Prophet felt.  He had just lost the love of his life – his wife and she was the mother of his children.  Can you imagine having to look your children in the eye and telling them that their mother is not coming home?  Can you imagine how heartbreaking that would be?

Personal Story

I was telling this story in the khuṭbah a few years ago.  A brother comes up to me afterward.  People generally have some feedback for you after a khuṭbah.  This brother says, “Brother, you know what you talked about today?  It personally really moved me.”  Sometimes somebody comes up to you and says something and they just have that look in their eyes like they have a story to tell.  This brother had that look, so I asked him, “Brother, if you don't mind, can you share with me how the khuṭbah personally relates to you and how it personally hit home for you?”  He sits down with me and tells me, “I know was born and raised Muslim, grew up in a good Muslim family – ṣalāh, masjid, Qur'ān, dhikr.  It was a part of our lives as a family, but today was the first time I have prayed in almost a year.”

SubḥānAllāh, what happened?  He tells me, “About a year ago I was at the point in my life where all of the pieces of the puzzle were coming together.  You know what I'm talking about?  You've been working for some time towards certain goals and you're at the point in time when it seems like the master plan is coming together.  I was about 30 and nearing the end of my medical residency and had a young wife and two little kids.  We lived the life of a student and resident in a small little apartment.  We had one beat-up, old, used car.  Life was tough, but we made it through school and residency.  I was nearing the end of my residency and fielding very lucrative offers from doctors, groups, clinics, and hospitals.  Things were looking up.  We had gone to look at some nice new houses where my kids could run around and have a backyard to play in.  We went minivan shopping at the dealership and were looking at nice schools where we could send our kids.  The whole nine yards.  Everything was looking up.

“One day I came home a little bit earlier than I normally would from the hospital.  I walked in and said salām, and nobody responded.  I realized that it was the time when my wife would usually put the babies down for a nap, and she would take a nap herself, so I decided I won't wake them up.  I went and ate some food and started reading and passed time.  An hour or so went by and I heard the kids from the bedroom.  They had woken up.  I could hear them being fussy in the room and got excited.  I went to the room and opened the door, and the babies were sitting there awake on the bed and crying because they just woke up, but my wife is lying there motionless and not responding.  I went in to take a look at her.  When I checked, I realized that she was dead.  She passed away.

“At that moment, my world just fell apart.  My life unraveled.  The first couple of days were a blur during the janāzah and funeral proceedings.  Once the funeral was done and reality set in that my wife was gone, the mother of my children was gone, for two weeks I did not come out of my bedroom.  I locked myself in my room with the lights off and just laid there.  I barely ate; I barely slept.  During those two weeks, I didn't even hold my own children in my own hands.  I didn't know what to do with myself.  My life didn't make sense.  What had happened?  What am I supposed to do?

“Finally, I started to recover and get my life back on track and went to work and reconnected with my kids and tried to put the pieces back together.  I eventually got back to work and trying to take care of my kids the best that I could.  I had some family I could lean on.  There was one issue that hadn't been solved:  my īmān.  I didn't know what I believed in anymore and felt like my heart had a hole in it.  I had lost my īmān.  I didn't know what I believed in because why did this happen and what am I supposed to do?  My brother who has been supportive had been there and taken care of my kids when I was incapable of taking care of them.  My brother kept encouraging and motivating and telling me, 'You need to pray.  If you pray, things will start to make sense again.  You need to talk to Allāh and reconnect with Allāh.'  I kept resisting and resisting.

“Finally today I woke up in the morning and my brother came to me and said, 'I'm not taking no for an answer.  You are coming with me to the masjid.  You are going to come and listen to the khuṭbah and pray in a large congregation.  Today is the day you get back on the horse.'  He brought me to the jumu'ah, and I wasn't really hopeful of the outcome or result.  From the minbar, when you talked about the Prophet losing his wife and his children losing their mother, I found the answer to my problem.  I realized that my Messenger Muḥammad has gone through what I'm going through.  He understands my pain.  He felt my pain.  I felt connected to him and realized that if he could go on, so can I.”

Sometimes when you try to understand the story and can't really grasp it and really truly can't appreciate what the Prophet went through unless you went through that yourself –  may Allāh protect all of us.  Sometimes Allāh brings someone to you so that you can get a better understanding.  You can look into the eyes of another human being and at least get some idea of what that pain was.

SubḥānAllāh, two years after this conversation with this brother, when the memory starts to fade and the story starts to become old for you in your mind and heart, Allāh sends somebody else.  I was giving this lecture at a community and a brother walks up to me after and said, “Brother, what you talked about, the same thing happened with me five years ago.  I came home.  My sons were 10 and 12 years old.  I said salām and my sons were playing games and doing what boys do.  I go into the bedroom and find my wife collapsed on the ground.  I check her and she had passed away.  Five years later, my boys are now 15 and 17 years old, and I feel that just now we are starting to put our lives back together after losing the most important person in our lives – the glue that held our family together.”

The Prophet lost his wife and the mother of his children.  On top of all of that, he lost his firmest and strongest supporter.  Who was the first person who accepted Islam?  Khadījah .  She was a woman of strength.  When the Prophet came home with this message, he is nervous and she puts his concerns to rest and says, “Allāh will never leave you out to dry.  Allāh will never put you in harm's way because you are such an amazing person.”  He says, “Fine, Khadījah.  I understand that and believe that, but who will accept this message?”  She said, “You are worried about somebody accepting this message?  I bear witness that there is no one worthy of worship but Allāh and I bear witness that you are the Messenger of Allāh.”  She was the rock and strength of the Prophet .  Imagine the pain and anguish of losing the Prophet .

The Ultimate Role Model

Allāh made the Prophet the ultimate role model.  About three to six months after the passing of Khadījah , another tragedy befell the Prophet :  the death of his uncle Abu Ṭālib.  We need the context to understand what this means.  When you hear about the death of an uncle, it is sad and tragic, but does it destroy your life and crush you?  It's someone you saw at the most two or three times a year.  Even if it is a closer uncle, it's not like losing your mom or dad.  This is where it is important for us to understand who was this uncle and what did he really mean to the Prophet ?  This wasn't the type of uncle that he met twice a year at 'Īd.

The father of the Prophet died before he was born, and his mother died when he was 6 years old.  He then went into the care of his grandfather 'Abdul-Muṭṭālib, and when he was 8 years old, his grandfather passed away.  Connect the dots and grasp this.  By the age of 8, this child never knew his father, had lost his mother and his grandfather, and he had no biological siblings.  At the age of 8, this child was basically alone in this world.  He didn't have any immediate family.  At that point in time, his uncle Abu Ṭālib took care of him.

Typically when we hear a story like this, we say he treated him like one of his own.  Abu Ṭālib didn't treat him like one of his own, he treated him better than he treated his own children, as impossible as that sounds.  I have children and know that sounds impossible.  How can you love someone else's child more than your own child?  Abu Ṭālib proved that it is possible.  The books of sīrah and history said that the people of Quraysh testified that they would see the Prophet in the lap of Abu Ṭālib more than they would see his own children.  Abu Ṭālib would never let the Prophet  out of his sight.  He was always worried about the Prophet .  He raised him and was his parent and family.  This was the man who raised him from the age of eight until adulthood.  All of his family was this one man Abu Ṭālib.  He was everything to him growing up.

The Prophet had just lost him.  This is like losing your mom and dad together all at once.  Imagine how painful that must have been six months after his wife had passed away.  Imagine how emotionally difficult this time must have been for the Prophet .

There was another tragedy embedded within the death of Abu Ṭālib.  There is a ḥadīth that paints the entire picture.  Abu Ṭālib was a very old man and had been sick for some time.  When the Prophet received the news that it looked like this was it and that it was time to say goodbye, he rushed to his bedside and fell down by the bed of Abu Ṭālib and held his hand with tears in his eyes.  He is losing this man that he loves so much.

He holds his hand and says, “Uncle, please, you have done so much for me.  Please just one time say the kalīmah.  Just once.”  The narration says that Abu Jahl and other leaders of Quraysh were there at the same timeand didn't want him to accept Islam before he passed away.  The narration says that Abu Jahl yelled and screamed like a wild animal on the top of his lungs, “Abu Ṭālib, don't leave the religion of your forefathers!  Abu Ṭālib, don't leave the religion!”  Over and over he is yelling loudly because he is already an old man and sick and ill and in the pangs of death.  With somebody screaming at the top of their lungs, Abu Ṭālib couldn't even hear what the Prophet was saying.

Abu Jahl didn't even want Abu Ṭālib to hear the Prophet , so he is yelling and screaming as loud as he can over and over again.  Abu Ṭālib looks over at his beloved nephew who he raised as his own and said, “Dear nephew, I can't hear what you are saying.”  The narration describes that the Prophet touched his mouth to the ear of Abu Ṭālib and whispered into his ear so that he could hear him clearly.  He said, “Uncle, please.  Just once whisper those words into my ear.  Those fools don't have to hear it.  Whisper it into my ear.  I'll be your witness on the Day of Judgment.  Abu Ṭālib looked at his nephew with love in his eyes and said, “Beloved nephew, you know how much I love you, but I can't do what you are asking me to do.”  He passed away without accepting Islam.

The ṣaḥābah said that when the Prophet walked out of the room, he was crushed and so saddened.  His grief was unlike anything they had ever seen.  Imagine the anguish of not only losing this man that is your family, but on top of that you are the means of delivering the message, īmān, and guidance to everyone, but the man that raised you and who did so much for you didn't accept Islam.  The narration says that the Prophet was questioning himself and wondering what more he could have said or done.  That's when Allāh   revealed the āyah of the Qur'ān from Sūrat'l-Qaṣaṣ:  “You most definitely cannot guide those whom you have loved.  Rather, Allāh guides whomsoever He wills.”  We always understood this āyah as Allāh rebuking the Prophet .  Absolutely not – when you put it into the context, you understand that this is Allāh consoling the Prophet .  “O beloved, don't doubt yourself.  Don't question yourself.  You can't give guidance to the people that you love.  There was nothing more you could have done because guidance was not yours to give.  You can't give guidance to the people that you love, rather Allāh gives guidance to whom He wills.  This was Allāh's decision.  Don't doubt and question yourself.”

Imagine the pain and anguish of the Prophet .  A lot of us who are sitting here and whose parents are Muslim can't understand that pain.  Talk to somebody who accepted Islam on their own whose parents have not accepted Islam yet and ask them what du'ā' they make every night before sleeping and the first du'ā' they make after waking up.  They will tell you it is “O Allāh, let today be the day.”

I have old friends who accepted Islam whose parents had not accepted Islam yet.  Whenever they are about to go visit their parents or spend the day with their parents, I always get a text message that morning saying, “Bro, please make du'ā' that today is the day.”  Imagine the pain and the anguish of the Prophet .

I told you about that brother who went through one of these tragedies and literally could not get himself to wake up in the morning and could not face the world the next day.  He felt like he couldn't move on with his life.  He didn't know what to do with himself.  Imagine the Prophet went through not just one of these tragedies but two tragedies like this and there were tragedies embedded within these tragedies.

The question is:  how did the Prophet continue?  How did he wake up the next day?  We talk about getting back to work and going back to our jobs.  The Prophet had the biggest job of any human being:  “O Messenger of Allāh, you have been sent to all of humanity.”  He had the most important, pressing, and demanding job of any human being.  How did the Prophet continue and work harder?  What gave him the energy and healed his wounds?  What allowed him to recover?  Where did he draw the energy and emotional fortitude from?

After these two tragedies occurred, Allāh took the Prophet on the miraculous journey that we refer to isrā' wa'l-mi'rāj – the travel by night to Jerusalem and then the ascension to heaven.  At that time, Allāh granted a gift to the Prophet :  the five daily prayers.  This was his strength and allowed him to recover and healed his wounds and allowed him to continue on with his life and pick up the pieces.  When we look at it from this perspective, this is the historical significance of ṣalāh and the purpose and benefit of the prayer.  When you look at it from this perspective, it makes total sense what the Prophet meant when he said, “The coolness of my eyes has been put in the prayer.”

What does 'coolness of the eyes' mean?  It is in the Qur'ān, du'ā's, supplications and aḥadīth.  What does it truly mean?  With any figure of speech, to understand what it means and alludes to, you have to put yourself in the mindset and understand it from the perspective of the people who used it, or it won't make sense.  The ancient Arabs used this phrase qurrata a'yun.  Imagine being in the desert where it is 120+ degrees outside.  There is burning, scorching heat.  The hot winds blow the hot sand into your eyes.  Imagine how dry your eyes get and how much they burn.  There are no sunglasses to wear and no Visine drops.  The eyes burn, itch and scratch to the point that it feels like they are on fire.  While you are walking around and feel like you just want to rip your eyes out, you find some cool, clean water.  When you take that cool, clean water and splash it into your eyes, how cool and refreshing does that feel?  How good and amazing does that feel?  This is what the phrase means.  The Prophet says that when he prays, this is how he feels.

Anything can be going on, and the world could be falling down all around you, but when you stand up and say “Allāhu akbar,” you feel refreshed and healed and a burst of energy.  It takes away your worries, sorrow, grief and pain.  It heals your wounds.  This is the effect of prayer.  This is the effect of prayer we are all looking for and desperately in search of.

This leads to the question:  I pray five times a day and have been for many years, but I have yet to experience what you are talking about.  My prayer doesn't feel like that.  What is missing?  The key missing ingredient to bring about these fruits and benefits of prayer and make the prayer the coolness of your eyes is khushū'.  The Qur'ān and the Messenger of Allāh call it khushū'.

It involves a whole discussion to explain the meaning of khushū'.  I'll summarize the meaning of khushū' in one word:  quality.  You have to have quality in your prayer.  Unless and until we have quality in our prayers, we won't be able to achieve and realize the full benefits of the prayer.

That leads to the million-dollar question, and the question that all of us have asked at one point or another:  How do we get quality in our ṣalāh?  How do we get khushū' within our prayers?  We've heard a thousand lectures about the importance of khushū', but we are here to find out how do we get khushū'?  How do we get that quality in our prayers?

How to Get Quality in Our Prayers

There are lots of things we can do.  Books are written by the scholars which list dozens of things we can do to bring greater quality and implement khushū' in our prayers.  To keep the conversation flowing and brief and concise, I would like to group the things that we can implement into three areas of improvement.

1.  A change of lifestyle.

What that refers to is really very simple.  We can't expect to live our lives however we want (lying, cheating, backbiting, cussing) and then expect that when we stand up to pray and say “Allāhu akbar”, magically we have khushū'.  There is no instant khushū'.  The way I live my life outside of the prayer and the way I conduct myself normally throughout the day will affect and impact the quality of my prayers.  If I want more quality in your ṣalawāt, then I have to lead a better life, a more honest and truthful life.  I have to cut some of the sins out of my life in order to improve the quality of my prayers.

2.  Make ṣalāh an event.

Treat ṣalāh like an important part of your day.  Let me give you an example.

You have to be at work or school at 8 am, and you live about 10 minutes away from work, so you try to leave your house at 7:45 am so that you can drive there, park your car, and be at your desk at 7:59 ready to roll.  If you leave your house at 7:45 am, do you wake up at 7:40 and roll out of bed and get ready?  No – don't do that!  Typically, if you have to leave your home at 7:45 am, how much earlier would you wake up?  The average answer is 45 minutes.  Some people take a little bit less and others a little bit longer.  Why do you wake up 45 minutes before?  You would say it is your job and is important.  You have to wake up and brush, shower, clean and comb, eat something, pack your stuff and dress nicely.  You have to take it seriously.  That is why you invest the time and give it importance and treat it as something important.

How you prepare for it shows the importance.  It is an event and you prepare for it.  Compare this to ṣalāt'l-fajr.  I realize that is the most drastic comparison.  Let me explain to you the proceedings of ṣalāt'l-fajr.  First, before you sleep you have the route from your bed to the sink completely mapped out so that you can get do it with your eyes closed.  Why?  When you wake up for fajr, you don't like to turn on all of the lights because it takes the sleepiness away and you want to pray fajr and go to sleep.  You make it to the sink and have perfected the art of the 15 second wuḍū' – it is like a magic trick.  You make your way back over to your bed, and you pray next to your bed and then engage in a procedure I like to call:  stop, drop and roll over.  You would pray on your bed if possible.

How sad is that?  That is the condition of our prayers.  I'll give another example from sports.  When we watch a game, what is the quality of our prayer?  First of all, it's a blessing if somebody actually prays during the game.  Even if they do pray during the game, what is the quality of that prayer?  We wait for a time-out or a commercial and then hurry.  We leave the volume a little bit on so that we can hear if something big happens during the game.  That is how we pray, unfortunately.

I joke just to keep it light, but we have to realize what a tragedy it is we pray like this, especially compared to how we seriously we take everything else.  The second area of improvement to gain quality in the ṣalāh is to treat ṣalāh as something important.  Make ṣalāh an important part of your day.

What that involves is to prepare and get ready.  Make wuḍū' properly – it is an act of worship that leads you into the prayer and puts you in the right mindset.  Pray when it is the time of the prayer.  Don't keep putting it off.  Dress appropriately.  Don't pray in your pajamas.  Like we have work clothes, the Prophet had clothes for the masjid.  When he would come home, he would take them off and hang them up nicely.  When it was time for the prayer, he would put them on.

There is a chapter in the Sunan of Abu Dāwūd which describes the preparation of the Prophet for prayer:  The Chapter of the Diligence the Prophet in regards to Prayer.  The Prophet was very casual and friendly and loving at home.  It describes how when the time for prayer would come and the adhān would be called, the Prophet would become a stranger to his family.

I'll be honest with you because these types of discussions are meant for that type of honest talk and heart to hearts.  When I first read that, I didn't know how to understand it.  What does it mean that he became a stranger?  It's kind of harsh.  Then you realize when you are responsible for something what that means.  When you have to go to work in the morning at 7:45 am and you have little kids when they aren't old enough to be at the age when they want you to go to work but at the same time are old enough to know you are going to work and don't want you to go.  What do they do when you try to leave?  They start to pick up on the signs – the picking up of the briefcase and the keys rattling – and they cut you off at the door.  What happens when you try to leave?  It's like a scene from an epic movie and the most epic cry of all time.  “No, baba, don't leave!”  They cry and scream like it's the most tragic moment in the history of humanity.  I'm going to ask a very serious question now.  What do you do?  You put them aside and tell your wife to come and get him and then go out the door.  Does that mean you don't love your child?  You are doing this for the benefit of your child.  He doesn't grasp and understand it, but you are doing it for his benefit.

Just like we take work that seriously because we understand the benefit in our jobs and work, the Messenger of Allāh when it was time for the prayers, he became a stranger to his family.  If I don't maintain this, then the same family for whom I would leave that prayer would eventually probably crumble and fall away.  I have to take care of my ṣalāh.  It is for me and my family.  The Prophet   would become a stranger to his family.  Everything else was secondary.  Work has to wait, the phone call has to wait.  He would make wuḍū' properly and put on nice clothes and go to the masjid early.  To bring quality and khushū' into our prayers, we have to treat ṣalāh like an event and important part of our day.  We have to learn to do this.

Ibn Kathīr (raḥimahullāh) says, “Khushū' will be achieved by the person who empties his heart for the prayer.”  One tip and recommendation the scholars that scholars would give and would practice – which is especially important for our times, which is the age of distraction where your one phone has 18 different types of tones to it; a text message alert sounds different from a phone call and an e-mail, Twitter alert, and Facebook update – when you are getting ready to pray ṣalāh, put away all of your distractions.  Turn off the television and turn off your computer screen.  Put your phone on silent and put it away.  Put everything away for 60 seconds or even 30 seconds and sit down and be quiet.  When you do this, you feel like your mind is clear and not as cluttered.  Then say, “Allāhu akbar” and then see the quality of your prayer.  Put everything aside and free up your mind.

The third area of improvement, and this is the most important and most drastic in terms of change and effect is:

3. Understand the basic structure and technicalities of prayer (fiqh), which will give you the outline of the ṣalāh.  The most important thing, which is actually the life and spirit of the prayer is when you understand what you are reading and saying in your ṣalāh.

Ṣalāh is about reflection and pondering.  It is about comprehending and understanding.  It is about feeling what you are saying and then delving into it and being absorbed by the experience of the ṣalāh.  This can only be done when you truly appreciate and understand what you are saying in the ṣalāh.

I'm going to give you an example.  I've been speaking for an hour.  Most of you have been listening and paying attention.  There's a very simple reason why you have been listening and paying attention and why I have been able to continue speaking with so much energy for an hour.  I don't feel tired or exhausted, and you have been listening attentively for an hour.  There's a simple explanation of that:  I am enjoying talking about this because I understand, feel, and believe what I am saying.  It's from my gut and I believe in it.  You are listening to what I am saying for an hour because you understand every single word that is coming out of my mouth.  You grasp it and understand it and know what I'm saying and are able to comprehend and digest it fully.

Imagine if instead of speaking in a language that I understand and you understand, I had been reading something off a piece of paper or reciting something I memorized in a foreign language, let's say Chinese.  Imagine if I had been reciting Chinese poetry to you for an hour, how long before you would stop paying attention?  10, 20, 30, 60 seconds?  Only a generous person would even listen for 60 seconds.  You wouldn't be able to pay attention or focus, let alone conceptualizing and processing it and reflecting on it and pondering it.  You wouldn't even be listening to what I was saying.

If I was the one reading it to you and had spent months memorizing 30 minutes of Chinese poetry, I would start reading it but if I don't understand it, in about 3-4 minutes I would think it's the most pointless thing I've done in my life.

I apologize if I offend anyone for what I am about to say.  This is the part that stings.  As silly and ridiculous and preposterous as that example was, how different is our ṣalāh from that example?  We stand up in ṣalāh day after day and ṣalāh after ṣalāh and read through our prayers not understanding, not appreciating, not reflecting, and not pondering on a single word. How are we supposed to focus in that type of a ṣalāh?  Where is the focus magically going to come from?  It won't.

The most important thing we have to do to grasp some quality in our prayers is to begin to understand what we read and say within our prayers.  I don't just mean read translations but reflect and ponder.  Fully grasp what we are reading, saying, and reciting in our prayers. When we do that, the entire experience of ṣalāh changes.  It's a different game altogether.

Examples of Understanding Statements in Ṣalāh

I'll end here by giving you at least one example of how that changes.

Allāhu akbar

“Allāhu akbar” is typically translated as “Allāh is the Greatest.”  We are going to tweak that just a little bit.  The word 'akbar' is the comparative and not the superlative.  Those are technical grammatical terms.  Let me break it down simpler than that.  For instance if you were to say, “Zayd is faster than Khalid, but Ahmed is the fastest,” 'faster' is comparative and 'fastest' is superlative.  Akbar is the comparative and not the superlative, so “Allāhu akbar” doesn't translate to “Allāh is the greatest,” it translates to “Allāh is Greater.”

To fully understand this example:  If I was to say, “Zayd is faster than…”, you are waiting for me to continue and finish it.  When we say, “Allāhu akbar,” we are saying, “Allāh is greater than ___.”  The purpose of the blank is a rhetorical function and part of the balāghah of classical Arabic.  It is very commonly found in the Qur'ān where there is a statement that demands an object and that object is intentionally not provided and a blank is left for you.  The purpose of that blank is that you are supposed to fill in the blank for yourself with whatever it is that is distracting you from your ṣalāh at that moment.

Allāh is greater than everything and anything, but the reflection and thought process at that time is:  Allāh is Greater and more important than whatever is distracting me from my prayer at this very moment.  If my phone is ringing, Allāh is Greater than that phone call.  If my friend is waiting for me outside in the car, Allāh is Greater and more important than my friend waiting for me in the car.  If the restaurant is about to close in 20 minutes, Allāh is Greater and more important than the food in the restaurant. If the game is on the television, Allāh is Greater and more important than the game on the television.  Anything and everything that could be distracting me from my prayer at that moment, Allāh is Greater and more important than that thing.

If you ask somebody what the reflection on “Allāhu akbar” is, they may say it is how they start their prayer.  We are realizing that even  “Allāhu akbar” has a reflection built into it.  You are even supposed to think about something when you say “Allāhu akbar”. There is a focus and khushū' to “Allāhu akbar.”  The next time you stand up to pray and say “Allāhu akbar” and go through the mental process of thinking that Allāh is Greater andmore important than those things distracting you, then see the quality of saying “Allāhu akbar” and how long it takes you to just say “Allāhu akbar”.  It will change your life.

Because you guys have been so good to me, I'll share one quick little example for you.

Subḥāna Rabbi al-a'la

What position do we say this in?  Sujūd.  How absolutely perfect is my Lord, my Master, who is al-a'la.  Al-a'la is superlative because of the “al” and means “the highest, the most exalted.”  Reflect on this fact.  Typically when we make sujūd, we rush the words.  What does it mean?  How absolutely perfect is my Lord who is the highest and most exalted.

What is the reflection here?  What position do you say this in? Sujūd, when you are putting the most respected part of our body (the face) on the ground where somebody was standing with their feet.  This is the lowest position possible for a human being.  We put ourselves in the lowest position possible and say, “Allāh is the Highest and Most Exalted.”  The next time you make sujūd, reflect on this and see the quality of your sajdah.

This is a small sample of what happens when we appreciate the meaning and understand what we are saying within our prayers.

Closing Note

As a closing note, I want to pose one question to everybody.  The answer to this question will give you the answer on whether or not you have to make some type of an effort to improve the quality and focus of your prayers.  Ask yourself:  When is the last time you experienced the ṣalāh? That when you prayed, you felt like it changed your life and solved your problem and gave you the answer to your question.  When was the last time that happened?  If the answer isn't something that's very good or something that you like, then don't you think it is about time we make some drastic improvement in our prayers?

[The following is the video and transcript of Shaykh Abdul Nasir's lecture "istikhārah: How to and Why?." The transcript includes slight modifications for the sake of readability and clarity.]

Click here to view the embedded video.

The word istikhārah comes from the root word of khayr.  Khayr in the Arabic language in its origins is representative of all that which is good.  Khayr is an umbrella word that represents all that which is good.  Istikhārah means to seek the good and seek that which is good.  This is the meaning of the word istikhārah itself.

Just like the meaning, the prayer ṣalāt'-l-istikhārah, which is from the Sunnah of the Prophet , is an authentically narrated Sunnah of the Prophet and an extremely emphasized practice of the Messenger .  Just like the meaning of the word istikhārah, the purpose of the ṣalāh is similarly to seek that which is good from Allāh .  I want to inshā'Allāh have this session to explain the procedure and the purpose of istikhārah.

I am going to split today's presentation into two parts.  The first part will focus on the ritual itself, meaning the technicalities, procedure, concept and outcome of istikhārah.  The second part of the lecture will focus on the purpose of the istikhārah, which is explaining the meaning and beauty of the supplication of istikhārah itself because that unlocks the purpose and the reason why we even do istikhārah.

Basic Points

To begin with the technicalities, I would like to begin with a few basic points.  The first is the concept of istikhārah to understand istikhārah conceptually and what it is.  I can explain best to you what istikhārah is by explaining to you what istikhārah is not.  As they say in Arabic, sometimes the best way to get to know something is to know the opposite of it.  The best way I can help you understand what istikhārah is conceptually and the role and purpose of istikhārah is by explaining to you what it most definitely is not.

Istikhārah is not a Magic 8 ball.  Did you ever buy that?  You get it at the mall as a gag gift.  You ask the Magic 8 ball, “Should I go to the mall today?” [Shake it]. “Maybe.”  This is the Magic 8 ball.  What I am trying to say by giving you this silly example is what people play around with when playing with the Magic 8 ball is throw out a random question, shake the Magic 8 ball and get a magical answer and go with it.  It is kind of like rolling the dice.  Istikhārah is not that.

Decision Making Process:  3 Steps

Istikhārah is the third of a three-step decision making process.  The first step of a decision making process is to use the God-given intellect, ability, and critical thinking that Allāh has blessed each and every single human being with in different capacities.  Allāh has granted every human being the ability to take factors into consideration and weigh different options and think about, ponder, contemplate, and process.  That is the first step of the decision making process in the life of the believer.  He first uses his 'aql, intelligence and ability to think that Allāh has given him.

There is a reason that Allāh emphasizes the 'aql, uli'l-albāb, and these types of things in the Qur'an because these are from the greatest of Allāh's blessings.  That is the first step of the decision making process: Take your circumstances into consideration, look at the options available to you, and then sit down and think and try to figure out and do some research and try to come to somewhat of a conclusion.  At least try to narrow your options and come to somewhat of a conclusion.  This is number one.

The second step of a decision making process is istishārah.  It is the Arabic word for seeking counsel and seeking advice.  The next step of the process is to then seek some counsel and advice, and it really depends on what type of a decision you are trying to make.  If you want to buy a car, you first do some research online and do some car shopping and test drove and narrow down to about three or four different cars that you are thinking about.  Then what you could do, for instance, is go to a brother from the masjid who is a car mechanic.  Sit down with that brother and say, “Brother, I want to take advice from you because you are experienced and knowledgeable about cars.  What do you recommend?  These are the three or four cars I am looking at.”  He says, “I wouldn't buy that because it has transmission problems.  This car wears out really quickly, etc.”

Now you are seeking counsel and advice.  If it is a more personal issue, something that is a life type decision, then you seek the counsel and advice from somebody who sincerely and honestly cares about you, somebody who is experienced and mature and maybe even spiritually focused so that they have a well-rounded perspective they can provide to you.

That is istishārah and seeking counsel.  This is the second step of the decision-making process.

The third and final step of the decision making process is now istikhārah.  What has occurred up to this point is that you started with no idea of what to do.  You narrowed it down to maybe half a dozen different options and sought some counsel and got some advice from someone and are down to your last couple of options.  At this point in time, you are struggling with this or that and are starting to lean a little more towards one direction.  You are thinking about two cars and are leaning towards buying a convertible, for instance – random example.  You are thinking about buying the Camaro over the mini-van.  No brainer, but nevertheless for some strange reason you are conflicted.  Maybe you have two kids, but it doesn't matter, they can sit in the backseat.

You are starting to lean in one direction, but you are little conflicted and just need a little bit of a push and convincing.  You are looking for that confidence to make your decision that you have come to by critical thinking – apply your intellect and do some research – and you sought some counseling.  You are leaning in a direction but need some confidence and some clarity of heart.  This is where istikhārah comes in.

What I have just explained to you removes many of the issues and questions that people have about istikhārah itself.  A lot of people are confused about istikhārah because they try to use it like the Magic 8 ball.  “I have got to buy a house.  Let me do istikhārah.”  What do you think is going to happen?  Are you magically going to see a house in your dreams and going to go searching for it and find it and buy it?  It doesn't work that way.  You don't decide that you need to buy a car and then pray istikhārah and a Honda Civic is going to fall on you.  It doesn't work that way.

When people try to utilize istikhārah in that way, then they walk away confused and say, “Shaykh, I made istikhārah and I can't figure anything out.  It's not working.”  You don't change the batteries in your istikhārah, right?  What is basically going on is that you are not utilizing it properly.  Anything that is not utilized properly is not going to work right.  You have to utilize it properly and appropriately.  Make sure you turn it into the third of a three-step decision making process.  This is the concept and role of istikhārah.

Prerequisites of Istikhārah

The next thing I would like to explain are the prerequisites of istikhārah.  What is required to do istikhārah?

I am going to give you the actual narration, but for now we are just going to roll with it and speak a little more generally.  What is required for the istikhārah is what is required for any other prayer, which is you need to make sure that you are pure and clean, clothed appropriately, have wuḍū'.  You do not require a bath of purification.  You face towards the qiblah.  That is what is required for istikhārah.

Basically whatever is required to normally pray is what is required for istikhārah.  There are no other extra prerequisites or requirements for istikhārah.  You don't have to pray it immediately before you go to sleep.  You don't have to take a shower and then immediately pray istikhārah.  You need wuḍū' for prayer; you need wuḍū' for istikhārah.  Istikhārah is a prayer just like dhuhr is a prayer and nafl would be a prayer.  You don't need to stop talking to people when you decide to do istikhārah.  You don't need to wake up in the middle of the night and do istikhārah.  You don't have to go stand on top of a mountain on one leg and do istikhārah.  You get my drift at this point – anything extra that you may heard, come across, or assumed that is needed for istikhārah aside from what is needed for prayer.  Wuḍū', dressing appropriately, facing the qiblah, Allāhu akbar – that is istikhārah.

The only thing I will add in here is that according to the opinion of the majority of scholars, there are small difference of opinion – I'm going to tell you what the majority of scholars say.  In ṣalāt'l-istikhārah, there are not major differences of opinion.  There are a few minor opinions here and there that differ from the vast majority.  I'm just going to go ahead and share the majority opinion because it is an overwhelming majority opinion.

The overwhelming majority opinion is that the only thing you have to watch out for is what you watch out for in other prayers.  Make sure you don't pray istikhārah at the times when prayer is forbidden.  Those are three basic times of the day:  while the sun is rising, when the sun is at its peak (which lasts for a minute or so), and the setting of the sun.  Those three times of the day are when we are told not to pray.  It is the same requirements of ṣalāh and for istikhārah.

These are the prerequisites of istikhārah.

Procedure

What is the procedure of istikhārah?  There is a sequence of events or procedure.  Once you fulfill the prerequisites, you will stand up and pray two rakʿahs, two units, of nafl (voluntary, supererogatory) prayer.  Why am I emphasizing and specifying it to be two rakʿahs of a voluntary prayer?  When we read the text of the ḥadīth together inshā'Allāh, at that time you will see it.  It is mentioned explicitly within the text of the ḥadīth by the Messenger of Allāh .  No debate and no question here.

What that means is that you can't pray ṣalāt'l-'ishā' and make the supplication of istikhārah – two for one, all done.  You can't do that.

The Prophet explicitly said that you have to invest two more extra rakʿahs of prayer that are voluntary and optional.  You pray those two rakʿahs of prayer.  There is nothing different about those two units of prayer.  You pray them as you should pray any other ṣalāh.  There's obviously room for improvement in my prayer, and I'm pretty sure everybody feels there is room for improvement within their prayers, so aside from that entire discussion, basically you pray istikhārah like you would pray any other prayer, which is two rakʿahs, qiyām, rukū', sujūd.  You sit at the end, tashahhud, ṣalawāt on the Messenger , supplication, salām, and that's it.  That is the procedure of the istikhārah.

There is no extra special sūrah that should be recited here.  There's nothing that is authentically narrated from the Prophet about reciting this in the first rakʿah and that in the second rakʿah.  There is nothing of that sort.  Just pray two rakʿahs of prayer.

Once you finish these two rakʿahs of prayer, which means the taslīm, you then at that time recite the exact supplication taught to us by the Prophet in the Arabic language.  You read it in Arabic.  Again, here, the vast overwhelming majority of scholars are of the opinion that the supplication of istikhārah is to be done after the prayer.  There are a couple of opinions here and there to do it before the taslīm; however, the vast majority overwhelming majority, and again, if you analyze the text of the ḥadīth, which I'm going to point out to you when we do read the ḥadīth of the Prophet , you will see that the Prophet mentions a word which makes it very clear that the supplication is meant to be said after the prayer is done.

Now at this point we recite the supplication.  Read the supplication in Arabic.  Why am I explicitly saying that?  Again, the ḥadīth very clearly mentions that fact.  A question comes up here:  what if I don't have it memorized?  Read it off of a piece of paper.  Fuqahā' have stated that very clearly if somebody needs to read it off of a piece of paper, that is ok.  Read it out of a book, read it off of a piece of paper, photocopy it, do what you have to do.  Nevertheless, read the actual Arabic of the supplication.  Don't read the summarized English translation.  When we read the text of the ḥadīth, we see the Prophet explicitly said, “Read it as I have taught you.”

The other thing I want to state is – just in case anyone is watching the video or listening to the lecture – what if somebody can't read Arabic?  Use a transliteration or something of that nature to the best of your ability.  Of course if somebody recently took shahādah or somebody recently came into connection with their dīn, there is always an exception to the rule.

We do not give enough consideration to people who have had a major turning point in their life, whether we are talking about people who may have been born in Muslim families but just not raised with the dīn and come to practice the dīn later on in their lives, or if we are talking about reverts and converts, people who took shahādah later in life.  Consideration should always be given to them, and it should be understood that they are doing the best that they can, and they should definitely make an effort to try to learn Arabic as much as possible and as quickly as possible, but until and unless they are able to get to that point, they are completely capable of practicing their dīn to the best of their ability, and it is ok for somebody like that to read it in English or to read the translation of it.  That is a very, very specific situation and consideration should be given to those types of cases.

Nevertheless, going back to the procedure.  We talked about praying two rakʿahs, completing the prayer, reading the supplication in Arabic to the best of your ability.  That is the procedure of istikhārah.  Read the supplication in Arabic, and it is done.  You don't have to make any extra du'ā' after that.  The supplication that you read in Arabic is the supplication and du'ā' itself.  There is no other extra procedure after.  Once you are done reading the supplication, you are done.

Outcome of Istikhārah

The next issue I would like to address is what is the outcome of the istikhārah?  Again, I can start by telling you what is not the outcome of the istikhārah.  You will not wake up in the middle of the night and have a 3D vision of what you should.  I can tell you that is not going to happen.  It is istikhārah and not Avatar.  That is one thing we need to be clear on.  While it might seem like a joke or silly to some people, sometimes people just don't know.  The outcome of the istikhārah is nothing out of this world.

The primary outcome of the istikhārah is the clarity of mind and confidence to make the decision that you need to make that I alluded to earlier.  You feel confident and good about making your decision.  You were already leaning towards one option – option A – and there is another option on the table, but you are a lot more confident about option A or maybe you have come to a decision about option A but you just need that extra little confidence.

You do your istikhārah and naturally start to feel more confident and feel clearer and feel ready to make that decision.  That is the outcome of your istikhārah.  The outcome of the istikhārah is to reflect internally and be a bit introspective and look inside and see if you feel good and confident about making your decision.

How do you know that the outcome of the istikhārah is maybe this isn't the best decision for you?  You will naturally feel down.  You will feel conflicted, doubtful, very scared or anxious or hesitant about making your decision.  Then at that point, this is your response of istikhārah that maybe this isn't the best decision for you.  That is how simple and easy istikhārah is.

The reason why istikhārah has become complicated for us a lot of times is because we are looking for something out of this world and something supernatural and really far out.  We look for something crazy like that, and when we don't find it, we feel unfulfilled.

If we learn to just think of it internally and learn to be a little more reflective and introspective, naturally you will find the response to your istikhārah to be a lot more facilitated for you.  You are thinking internally and feel naturally confident in your decision.  That is the outcome and result of the istikhārah.

What about Dreams?

The question always comes up:  what about dreams?  The issue of dreams is one thing that needs to be understood.  We don't completely dismiss dreams altogether.  Authentic narrations of the Prophet tell us that dreams are something that a believer derives inspiration from.  Even the greatest of scholars like Ibn Sirīn of the tabi'ūn and great scholars of interpretation of dreams, one of the first things they would say or one of the first things they taught their students was that dreams are not a basis of making decisions.  Decisions should not be based on dreams.  These were the first and foremost to tell their students that even though these were the scholars of the interpretation of dreams.  They said at the most it is inspiration, motivation, encouragement.  That is all it is.  It is not something you base a decision on.

I would like to clarify that right here.  If you have a dream and it kind of inspires you or motivates you, alḥamdulillāh.  Don't read too much into it because you are not supposed to.

Two Miscellaneous Issues

That is the outcome of the istikhārah.  There are two miscellaneous issues I would like to explain.  The first issue is related to the outcome.

What if I make istikhārah and I just still don't feel comfortable or confident in my decision?  I still don't feel confident or clear and am still not comfortable making a decision, and I made istikhārah and followed the procedure properly.  What do I do at that time? The course of action at that time is:  do it again.  If it doesn't work again, then do it again.  If you are still not comfortable, then do it again.  Keep doing it until you feel confident and comfortable in making your decision.

There is even a narration from 'Abdullāh b. Zubayr , one of the companions of the Prophet and probably 'Ā'ishah's best and brightest student.  He says, “I made istikhārah with Allāh three times.  Then I was comfortable and confident in making my decision.”  He explicitly mentions while explaining to his students that if you have to make istikhārah multiple times, then you have to make istikhārah multiple times and that's ok.  He said, “I had to pray istikhārah three times one time to make a decision.”  Don't be afraid of repeating the istikhārah multiple times.

A lot of times, it is just a matter of – and this is a tragedy of our times – becoming spiritually numb and we are not very introspective and not very reflective.  Sometimes the superficial nature of the culture we live in or activities make us a little spiritually dull or numb.  We might have to do istikhārah a few times to break through the surface or crack the shell, and that's ok.

The last issue I want to mention here that is associated with istikhārah is that there is one very commonly asked question and issue that comes up quite often.  That is:  can I have somebody else do istikhārah for me?  There is no precedent.  There is no religious verification for having someone else do istikhārah for you.  There is nothing mentioned in the aḥadīth of the Prophet .  There is no precedent from the generation of the ṣaḥābah.  The classical fuqahā' have explicitly stated that istikhārah is meant to be done by the individual himself or herself.  That is a rule.  That's it.  A person has to do the istikhārah himself or herself.

There is a very honest and sincere question and concern that is in the mind's of people who ask this question.  The question or that concern is often:  I am not a very good person, I don't pray five times a day, I have a lot of sins and issues in my life, I feel distant from Allāh, I don't know if I make istikhārah if it will be clear or won't be clear, so I want to ask someone to make istikhārah who is a lot more righteous and pious, and someone who is a lot better person than I am.  That is a concern a lot of people have.

I would like to answer that concern by first saying that maybe part of the reason that you feel that way about your relationship with Allāh is because of the mentality and approach that you have where you don't feel like you are good enough to talk to Allāh.  You feel like you don't have access to Allāh.

The first thing that you have to get over is the simple fact that Allāh is just as available and just as accessible to the sinful person as He is to the most righteous and pious person.  Allāh is available and accessible to everyone.  We can all pray to Allāh.  We can all ask Allāh for whatever we need.  We can all do istikhārah with Allāh.

The second answer to that concern is if you are feeling a bit guilty and self-conscious about the fact that you are distant from Allāh and not praying and maybe that is why you should not be doing istikhārah, then why not fix the problem?  Why not say, “I have a situation.  I need to do istikhārah.  I don't pray five times a day and that's why I don't feel comfortable doing istikhārah.  Well, it's time for ṣalāt'l-maghrib right now or time for ṣalāt'l-'ishā' right now, why don't I go ahead and take that first step?  Why don't I go make wuḍū', stand up and pray ṣalāt'l-'ishā' and then pray two rakaʿāt to do my istikhārah.”  Get it out of the way and get it done.  That is the answer to the question.

There is no validity to having somebody halfway across the world in some village do istikhārah on your behalf and that person doesn't even know who you are and what's going on with you.  By the way, as a side note and a word of advice, if that person is charging you, it's probably a scam.  Just a little note of caution.  If a person is charging you, you need to stay away from that entire situation.

Nevertheless, I did want to address that in a serious issue and serious manner.  There is no validity, there is no precedent, and there is absolutely no authenticity to having somebody do istikhārah on your behalf.  The person him or herself needs to be doing their own istikhārah whatever situation they are dealing with.

Their might be situations where a decision affects multiple people.  Then everybody involved in the situation makes their own istikhārah.  If I will be implicated by this decision, then we all make our own istikhārah.  Nevertheless, it is not like doing a business deal.  If I'm getting into a business deal with a couple of people and we need to come to the decision whether it is good or not, we decide we've looked at the facts, crunched the numbers, and spoken to a couple of people and gotten some consultation, we need to do istikhārah.  Let everybody go and do their own istikhārah.  Even when it is a joint decision, everybody should be doing istikhārah.  Definitely when it is your own personal decision, make your own istikhārah.  Don't put it off on somebody else.  Nobody can do your istikhārah – you do your own.

The concern that is there that “I'm not good enough, I'm not pious enough, I'm not righteous enough,” it doesn't make any sense.  Allāh is Allāh.  He is accessible to you.  All you have to do is go get clean, make wuḍū', face the qiblah, Allāhu akbar, and you are talking to Allāh.  Done deal.

Secondly, if you do feel that you are distant from Allāh, then fix the problem.  Don't create another problem.  Repair the relationship and fix the issue.

It obviously goes without saying that we don't make istikhārah for anything that is impermissible.  There is no istikhārah for: “Should I drink alcohol (na'ūdhu billāh)” – of course that is very bad.  “Should I gamble, what should I put my money on.”  It goes without saying and it is common sense that you don't make istikhārah about the things that are impermissible.

Also, we do not make istikhārah about things that are obligatory.  There is no making istikhārah about “should I pray ṣalāt'l-'ishā' or not.”  That goes without saying that things that are obligatory and things that are a part of the dīn and things that we are supposed to do like fasting Ramaḍān, there is no making istikhārah “should I fast in Ramaḍān or not.”  Similarly, we do not make istikhārah for things that are impermissible.  Of course that is common sense, but I just wanted to mention that.

Supplication of Istikhārah

Now, let's go ahead and discuss the supplication of istikhārah itself.  I'll go ahead and read the ḥadīth to you.  This is a ḥadīth from Ṣaḥīḥ Bukhāri.

Jābir (may Allāh be pleased with him), a very knowledgeable companion of the Prophet of Allāh (peace and blessings be upon him), says, “The Messenger of Allāh would regularly teach us to do istikhārah in all of our affairs and issues just like he would teach us a sūrah from the Qur'an.”  What does that mean?  He is drawing a parallel.  This is the same type of verbage used to talk about the tashahhud in the prayer.  “He would teach us the tashahhud like he would teach us a sūrah from the Quran.”  It is also said about the istikhārah supplication.

That means two things and has two implications.  Implication #1:  he emphasized the importance of memorizing it.  Just like we memorize a sūrah of the Qur'an, similarly he emphasized the importance of memorizing the supplication of istikhārah.  Implication #2:  read it in the Arabic language like we read a sūrah in the Arabic language.  When we read a sūrah from the Qur'an in our prayers, we read it in Arabic.  Again, there is that rare exception that I talked about, nevertheless the general rule is that we read the supplication in Arabic.  The Prophet taught us to read the supplication of istikhārah in Arabic like we read a sūrah in Arabic.

“He would say, 'When any one of you is concerned with an issue or a matter, then he should pray two rakʿahs of optional, voluntary prayer aside from the farḍ obligatory prayer.'”  This is where I was explicitly saying it has to be voluntary optional prayer because the Prophet explicitly in the ḥadīth in the narration says it must be voluntary optional prayer.

Then the Prophet says, “Thumma…”  Thumma in the Arabic language in classical Arabic, the Quranic and prophetic language, is to say “afterwards, after that, then afterwards.”  It states that this occurs after the previous thing has been completed or concluded.  Based on this, the vast overwhelming majority of scholars are of the opinion the supplication of istikhārah is to be read after the prayer has been completed, after the taslīm.

The Prophet reads the supplication for us and teaches us the supplication.  I'm going to explain the meaning of the supplication.

'O Allāh, I seek most definitely that which is good from You by means of Your Knowledge' because O Allāh, You know what is good for me, and I don't know what is good.  The āyah of the Qur'an says, “You may like something initially and it turns out to be bad for you.  You might dislike something initially and it turns out to be something good for you.”  Based on that, Allāh is the only One who knows what is good for me, so that is why I am saying, “O Allāh, I seek that which is good from You by means of Your Knowledge.”

'And I seek the ability to do what I have to do by means of Your Power and Your Ability.'  Meaning:  I am weak and I am incapable, but I seek the ability to make my decision and to do what I need to do by means of Your Ability and Power.

'And I ask You, to grant me from Your great, majestic benevolence and great blessing to bless me.'  I ask You to bless me from Your Blessings and to grant me some from Your Blessings.

This is personally my favorite part of the supplication.  This states the mentality behind istikhārah.

'…because most definitely You are fully capable, and I am completely incapable.'

'And You know everything and I don't know anything.'

'And O Allāh, You are 'Alām. 'Alām is the exaggerated, hyperbolized noun which basically means the Complete Knower of al-ghuyūb.  Ghuyūb is the plural of the word ghayb – all those things that are unseen, all those things that are hidden, all those things that are unknown.  You are the Complete Knower, inside out, of all those things that are unseen, unknown, and hidden.

Now here comes the crux of the supplication:

'O Allāh, You know that this issue, decision, matter – if this is good for me in my religious affairs and my worldly affairs and in the end of my affairs…'  What do you think 'the end of my affairs' is referring to?  The ākhirah.  'If You know, O Allāh, that this decision that I'd like to make and have been struggling with is good for me in my dīn and my religion, in my worldly matters and issues, and if this is good for me in the ākhirah …'

Another narration of this same supplication, the Prophet said,

'In my short term and in the long term…'
What do you think short term refers to?  Dunya, this life.  'Ājilihi, the long term, makes reference to ākhirah, the life of the hereafter.

'O Allāh, You know if this is good for me in the short term and the long term, dunya and ākhirah.'

'Make it possible for me.  Make it happen for me.'

But that's not it.  Now we get to see the real beauty and magnificence of the supplication.

'Don't just make it possible and available to me, make it easy and facilitate it for me.  Make it simple, easy, and accessible for me.'

Thumma means after the fact.  After what fact?  After I have achieved it.  Put blessing in it for me.  We are going for the premium package.  I want the works, all the options.  I want it to be possible for me, O Allāh.  I want it to be easy, simple, accessible, and facilitated for me, O Allāh.  Then after I have it, I want barakah and blessing in it, O Allāh.

What a comprehensive supplication.  What a beautifully comprehensive supplication.  It then goes on:

'O Allāh, You know if this issue, decision, matter is bad for me in my dīn, in my worldly matters and in the end of my affairs in the ākhirah.

Another narration again says:

'in my short term and in the long term' meaning my dunya and my ākhirah.

Here we get to again see the beauty and eloquence of the supplication, the prophetic eloquence on full display.  Let me explain the words to you here.  The word ṣar means to turn something.  There are two entities here:  you and what you are making istikhārah for.  The supplication says, “If this is bad for me in my dunya and ākhirah, then turn it away from me and turn me away from it.”  Do you see the eloquence in the supplication and the visual that it provides?  Imagine you and what you are making istikhārah for.

O Allāh, if this is bad for me in my dunya and my ākhirah, then I want nothing to do with it.  Don't just turn it away from me but turn me away from it.  I want nothing to do  with it.  I got no business with it.  If there is no khayr, then what would I want with it?  This is what the supplication teaches us to say.

That doesn't solve the problem.  There is still an issue left. What is the problem?  Whatever it is you are making istikhārah for – your need, your necessity, your situation, your decision is still not complete.  You made istikhārah and realize that this is not good for you and felt uncomfortable, hesitant, or apprehensive about the decision and backed away, but your need still remains.

The Prophet doesn't leave us hanging.  He completes the supplication.

'And then make possible for me that which is good.'  This particular situation wasn't good for me, so I asked Allāh, “Turn it away from me and turn me away from it.  I want nothing to do with it.  O Allāh, make that which is good possible for me.”  The problem is I don't know where, how, when, or anything about it.  Where do I start?  Ḥaythuka – wherever and however that good may be.  Make that which is good possible for me whenever, wherever, and however it may be.  I leave it to you, O Allāh.  I will still do my due diligence and stay at work trying to find the right option, but O Allāh, lead me to that khayr.  I was saved from sharr, but make something good for me down the road.

This is consolation at the end of the supplication.  This situation didn't work out, which is actually good because it wasn't khayr.  You are asking Allāh for khayr, and Allāh will make khayr possible for you.

The yaqīn, the conviction, needs to be there when you make supplication.  Allāh will make that which is good possible, you just have to keep sticking to what you are doing and keep your hopes high in Allāh .

'So make that which is good possible for me wherever and however it may be.  Then make me pleased and satisfied with it.

In another narration, the Prophet says the words, “Then make me satisfied with it.”  Make me content, satisfied, fulfilled with it.  Make me pleased with it.

Again, it sounds like the same thing.  Even somebody who doesn't have any background in formal Arabic studies can hear the difference.  Thumma arḍini bihi and thumma raḍḍini bihi.  Arḍini and raḍḍini sound a lot alike, but are they completely the same word?  There is a little bit of a difference, which is a difference in verb pattern.  The thing about these verb groups and verb patterns is that they all have their own special implication.  In the classical form of the language, they have their own special implications.

When you have the same root word coming in two verb patterns, the subtle difference between the two is that arḍini means 'make something happen all at once.'  Make me all at once completely satisfied and fulfilled with it.  Raḍḍini has the implication for something to happen continuously, little by little, step by step.

SubḥānAllāh, the Prophet said it with the two different verb forms, and this shows us not only the eloquence of the Prophet but how well he understood people.  There are two types of people when it comes to making a decision.  Some people might take their time and do their due diligence and research and take time to come to a decision.  When they finally come to a conclusion, they are done.  The decision is made, and khalās they are confident and going forward now.

Some people are a little different.  They come to a conclusion and decision and feel good and everything is ok and they are going for it.  Then later at midnight you get a text message from that friend saying, “I'm freaking out.  I don't know what to do.  I'm nervous.”  You say, “Don't worry about it.  It's all ok.  It's midnight, go to sleep.  Everything will be alright inshā'Allāh.”  Then they say, “Ok, I'm good.”  You wake up to pray ṣalāt'l-fajr, and he calls you.  You answer the phone and he says, “Bro, I need to talk to you right now.  I'm not sure about this.”  That's ok – some people are like that and need that constant reassurance.

SubḥānAllāh look at the Messenger of Allāh and how well he knows his people and understands people.  He accommodated both types of people.  “Thumma arḍini bihi” for the type of guy who might take his time to make a decision but once he makes it, he is done.  “Thumma raḍḍini bihi” for the person who “O Allāh don't just make me pleased with it, but keep me pleased with it.”  Constantly reassure me about my decision, O Allāh.

At the end of the supplication in the narration of Bukhāri, the Prophet says, “And then he mentions his need.”  When you go back into the supplication, remember the part that I said was the crux of the supplication?

“O Allāh, You know that this decision, if this is good for me…” that is the moment where the Prophet says the person should mention his or her need.  The scholars explain that there are two options.  Somebody could just simply think of whatever it is that they are making istikhārah about, and that would suffice.  If somebody just visualizes or conceptualizes or thinks of what they are making istikhārah about, that is sufficient.  Otherwise, a person can feel free and should feel free to go ahead and verbalize it.  They don't need to verbalize it in Arabic if that is not their language.  They can say it in their own language.  Allāhumma in kunta ta'lamu anna hatha'l-amra… and then at that time the person says, “Buying this particular car, purchasing this house, marrying so-and-so” that this is good for me.  Then the supplication goes on and continues.

Similarly, there is a second moment when you mention it as well when you mention the other part of it.  “O Allāh, you know that if this decision and issue is bad for me,” then again you can think about it, conceptualize it, or verbalize it.  The Prophet taught us to do that.  It becomes very practical and real.  It is a real experience and you are literally stating your need, and this is something the Prophet taught us to do.

That concludes the discussion on the meaning of the supplication of istikhārah and it gives you an insight as to why we do istikhārah and what the purpose is and the spirit of istikhārah.

One thing I would like to explain here about the supplication of istikhārah is that it is the perfect example of prophetic eloquence of the Prophet and how beautiful the supplications are that he taught us.  There is a lot of good and khayr in learning the prophetic supplications, and we should invest some time and energy in learning these beautiful supplications.

Quotes from Scholars

The last little note I wanted to mention here is a few little basic quotes from some scholars about the blessing of istikhārah and why we do istikhārah.

Ibn Abi Jamra (raḥimahullāh), a great scholar, said, “The wisdom behind putting the ṣalāh before the istikhārah is the istikhārah combines both the good of this world and the next.  Just like in this dunya a person needs to go the one he needs something from and win their favor and then put their need before them, the ṣalāh precedes the supplication is like knocking at the door of the King and presenting yourself before Allāh and making sujūd and humbling yourself and putting your face on the ground before Allāh and then spreading your hands and presenting your need before Allāh .”  This is the beauty of the sequence of events.

Ibn Taymiyyah says, “He who seeks guidance from the Creator and then consults with the creation (people) and then once he comes to a decision that he is confident in and goes forward with, such a person will never regret and have no remorse about the decision that he makes.”

Imam Al-Nawawi says, “After performing the istikhārah, when a person is wholeheartedly inclined and feels good about a decision, then the person should say bismillāh and go ahead with the course of action and the conclusion and decision.”

Istikhārah is like a training in adab with Allāh.  “O Allāh, I will not make a decision without praying to You.  Even though I'm fully confident, I will still do istikhārah.”  It shows adab with Allāh, and part of the adab with Allāh is that when you do come to a conclusion and decision and did make istikhārah and feel confident about your decision, then you go with it.  You remove doubt at that time and don't second guess and don't doubt because that would show disrespect to Allāh and this practice of istikhārah.

Final Note

The last and final note I want to mention here is one other requirement for istikhārah.  I didn't mention this in the prerequisites because I was talking about more in terms of fiqh.  The primary ingredient of the istikhārah is conviction.  Know who you are praying to.  You are praying to Allāh, rabb'l-'alamīn.  You are praying to the One who created each and every single thing.  He watches and controls every single thing.  He sustains and maintains each and every single thing.  He is capable of doing whatever He wills.

Have that level of confidence when you do istikhārah.  I am not just consulting with anyone.  I am talking to Allāh, and Allāh will help me in my situation.  Allāh will give me clarity of mind, and Allāh will bless me with confidence.  When you do make istikhārah and you do feel hesitant, remember what the end of the supplication said.  Don't feel disheartened at that time because at the end of the supplication, you do ask Allāh for khayr, and if you have the level of conviction in Allāh, you will have the conviction that Allāh will provide to you that which is best for you.

Have that conviction.  Have that level of īmān and yaqīn in Allāh and His Ability to take care of you and Allāh will inshā'Allāh take care of us.  As it says in the ḥadīth qudsi, “I deal with My slave according to how he perceives Me.  If he perceives that I can take care of him, I take care of him.”  When he is doubtful, maybe he won't be taken care of.  The onus is on us.  How do we perceive our relationship with Allāh?

May Allāh give us the ability to practice everything that we said and heard.

I will end with this one last ḥadīth mentioned in the Musnad of Imam Aḥmed and narrated by Sa'd b. Abi Waqqās who said that the Messenger of Allāh said, “From the blessing of the son of Ādam is the ability to seek good from Allāh, doing istikhārah with Allāh.  Also from the blessing of the son of Ādam is that they are pleased with whatever Allāh has decreed for them.  From the wretchedness of the children of Ādam is when he leaves doing istikhārah with Allāh.  Also from the wretchedness of the human being is that the human being is displeased with what Allāh has decreed for him.”

May Allāh bless us all to do istikhārah and to be pleased with Allāh's Decree and decision in our affairs and issues.  Jazākum Allāh khayran.  Al-salāmu 'alaykum wa raḥmatullāh.

Alḥamdulillāh – this is a very bittersweet moment we are all experiencing at the end of the month of Ramaḍān.  Maybe we all have some regret and remorse for the opportunities we missed out on during Ramaḍān. But at the same time, it is also an opportunity to be grateful and thank Allāh for the blessing and ability that he did give us. Inshā'Allāh we go forward from here trying to be better people, to be the best that we can be, and hoping in the Mercy of Allāh SWT, that we will live up to our intention of being better people.

The Quran very specifically points out that taqwa is the objective of the month of Ramaḍān- in simple words, the objective of Ramaḍān is to become a better person. What that exactly means, this is subjective, it differs from person to person – for someone it can mean 'I didn't pray and now,  inshā'Allāh I will pray five times a day'; for another is could be that 'I had a very strange relationship with my wife, I learnt patience, gratitude, respect during Ramaḍān and I hope from now on my family relationships will be better'.

For another, it could be 'my home life is fine, so are my prayers, but  I don't like to put money in the donation box – I learnt to do this in the month of Ramaḍān'. Whatever my challenge was, the month of Ramaḍān gave me the tools – fasting, qiyam, dhikr – all are training that help me become a better person.

How do we keep it going?

You typically do not hear this but we won't be able to keep Ramaḍān going – it is a special time, there is something different about Ramaḍān, the entire community fasting for an entire month together.  When we set up an unrealistic goal, how can we achieve that? The objective is not to literally keep Ramaḍān going.

Shawwal has started. What is practical? How can we make an effort?  How can keep that same zeal, energy, dhikr, taqwa, ṣalāh, same connection to Allāh going?

About fasting Allāh says: La a 'la kum tattaqoon

Taqwa is at the end of the ayah, at the end of this training what do we want? Taqwa is what I want to walk away with. Ramaḍān  is gone and Shawwal is here, then Dhul Qadah and Dhul Hajjah.  I can not keep Ramaḍān here but what I can keep is being aware, being cognizant of my choices, I can keep consciousness of Allāh SWT, that is something we can keep going.

2 Simple Thoughts

If you have more or if you already have your objectives laid out, than that is great but for people at my level, who don't know where to go after this awesome month.- who are thinking 'I don't know where to go, what do I do in the days after 'Īd?'

Consistency- strive to achieve consistency, not with what you were doing in the whole month of Ramaḍān, but pinpoint something, even it is: 'I will read Quran ten minutes a day, I didn't read Quran before' Find something that you didn't do before Ramaḍān and do it now.

'I pray 5 times but do not come to masjid so everyday I will come to the masjid once a day, I will pray Fajr at the masjid, start my day right. Coming home from work instead of crashing in front of a TV, I will come to the masjid at least once a day. I will pray in Jama'ah, with the community.' Find something small and gain consistency with that ie, I will put a quarter in the sadaqa box at home and when it fills up I will bring it to the masjid. The best of deeds are those that are done consistently – long lasting. The Prophet of Allāh (ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam)

And the most beloved of good deeds to Allāh is that in which a person persists, even if it is little.

Narrated by al-Bukhari, 43; Muslim, 782.

The word used is Wa in kal- even if they are very little. The word for very small is also very small too- kalla. Two letters repeat each other, squish them together, a small verb, making idgham, a minimum of a three letter word becomes a  2 letter word, small word, just a little bit. This is the part of the eloquence of the Arabic language.

So I will do a good deed EVERY single day, I will find consistency.

Another hadith of the Prophet  that I found in Ṣaḥīḥ Bukhāri, is about a person, who is consistently doing a good deed and does it in routine, now one day you get sick or your boss tells you to go to another field office, something comes up and you weren't able to do the deed for the day. Allāh tells the angels to still write down the reward for him. Allāh says yes, because that a part of life, my slave made the full effort, he made the effort routinely, give him the full reward.

A convergence of events-Ramaḍān is ending and our kids are going back to school, our youth are going back to school, they have to make choices everyday, good or bad, good or bad, every day.

In Sūrah Ash-Shūraá 42:25, Allāh tells us who He is.

And He it is Who accepts repentance from His slaves, and forgives sins, and He knows what you do.

He continues (madare form, action renews itself) to accept taubah (repentance) from his slaves and continues to wipe away the sins.  Taubah is making a u-turn, you start making a choice and going down a path and then say to yourself 'No' and turn around and come back to him. He continues to wipe away sins, He embraces you in His Mercy and any baggage that you are coming with, is brushed away.

wa ya'fu an sayyiaat

You will not be perfect, you may not always meet your goals, you may be really disappointed in yourself,  just make that u-turn, don't worry about it. He will wipe it away, turn around comeback to Allāh,  follow it up with a good deed, – realize that you will mess up, keep returning back to Allāh.

wa ya'lamu ma tafa'loon

That waw is a waw haaliya and in English it mean even though, he continues to accept repentance from his slaves and wipe away the sins even though He knows what you will do tomorrow but today He will forgive you.

That is who we are dealing with- He who accepts and forgives you even though he knows what you are going to do tomorrow. Allāh (subḥānahu wa ta'āla) knows that you will mess up today, He continues to forgive even though he knows we will mess up. Keep returning back to Allāh over and over again. If you follow up a bad deed with a good deed, not only will He will wipe away the sins and he will take your sins and convert them into good deeds for you.

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