I have been suffering from same sex attraction. I am a male and I find myself easily attracted to men. Its not that I don’t have any attraction towards women, but its not that high as I have towards men.
I have been married for the past 10 days and Alhamdulillah I find no difficulties yet in my relationship. I easily have sex with my wife and Allah helps me in it. But for years what troubles me is that I am never able to get myself over male attraction.
Throughout years I made close male friends, and I used to seek brothers, especially elder brothers in them. This is still happening. I do have few close friends whom I call as elder brothers and they do treat me as a younger brother.
I am the only son of my parents with an older and younger sister. But since childhood I had relationship gap and many problems with my father. We don’t have a good understanding and do have many fights. I have always felt lonely and always craved to have an elder brother, with someone to share my feelings and to have a security and love of a father figure. While I made a few elder male friends whom I call brothers and they too respond me with an elder brothers care and love, I have this attraction towards men in general that I feel attracted towards the male chest hairs.
Now Alhamdulillah I am married, and Allah has blessed me so that I did not find any difficulty in my relationship with my wife. I sometimes feel that Allah will forgive me Insha Allah for my same sex orientation feelings, because although I try a lot I still fail to be attracted towards men; and sometimes I feel its actually my harsh childhood without a brother and with a harshly behaving father that has made me like this. Please guide me regarding my feelings and my attempts of finding brothers in friends and getting attached to them.
Jazaka Allahu Khair,
A Married Man
Bismillahir Rahmanir Raheem
May Allah guide you to the best course of action and reward you for all your efforts to please Allah (azzawajal). Based on the sexuality and sexual orientation research*, my understanding is that although a majority of men and woman may fall into “exclusively heterosexual” or “exclusively homosexual” categories there are also many who have a range of feelings that are not exclusive towards one gender or another. For example, just like yourself, some may have attraction towards men and some attraction towards women, while others may have a majority attraction towards women but also some attraction towards men.
In terms of your marriage I would suggest being sincere and honest with your wife. In many instances, especially in the beginning of marriage, it is very easy to have a healthy sexual relationship with your wife, but even for those who are exclusively heterosexual it can be difficult down the line with the advent of typical marital difficulties, external pressures, children etc. Your majority attraction towards men will add to this complex and delicate situation. If you maintain an open and honest relationship with your wife she will be more understanding of your situation, as well as not feel insecure about herself and her attractiveness should your sexual feelings for her wane. If she does not know about this part of you, perhaps disclosure in a therapy setting with the help of a therapist or counselor could be helpful. The more you work out in the beginning of your marriage, the less heartache you will experience later.
If you feel that your desires towards other men are due to the strained relationship between you and your father, I know this is not easy, but I would highly recommend in putting significant effort towards working on improving your relationship with your father. If the harsh childhood and difficult relationship with him has left a void in your heart, no matter how many relationships you have with other men (whether it is of an elder brotherly nature or sexual in nature) those relationships will never fill that void. Reconnecting with your father; however, may help to curb your appetite for seeking father figures in other men.
Your sexual feelings towards men may or may not change. Thus, I encourage you to remain introspective so that you can have an open and honest relationship with yourself, your father, your wife, and others around you, if you feel safe doing so. And of course continue making dua’a to Allah to help you through all of your difficult moments.
Further Reading: Dealing with Homosexual urges