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Domestic Violence Series: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7
Sticks and Stones May Break my Bones but Words will never Hurt Me….
“My husband thinks I am stupid. He thinks I can never learn Arabic because I don't have the brains to.” A sister said while she was seeking advice about her marital discords. She has been married for more than 10 years and has been verbally abused throughout her marital life. When I first met her, she appeared very unconfident and insecure. I was not sure if she had always been like that or if the marital verbal abuse had turned her into a self-doubting, vulnerable person.
According to her, her husband puts her down and calls her all sorts of names even in front of the children. He constantly undermines her abilities and compares her with other “accomplished” women. He is very judgmental and I realized that she has no more self-esteem left in her.
She described her husband as someone who loves to criticize her, calls her all kinds of degrading names, even in the presence of their children. He undermines her abilities and compares her with other“accomplished” women. It seems like that he had been very judgmental throughout their marital life and perhaps that is the reason why she has no more self-esteem left in her.
Unfortunately, this is not the case with just one family, rather verbal abuse in marital relationships has been a major problem in the Muslim communities.
Perhaps it is phrases like, 'sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me,' that is not only inherently wrong but has encouraged verbal abuse and underestimated its evil affects on the abused. The truth of the matter is that verbal abuse hurt as badly if not more than the physical abuse.
Confusion about Verbal Abuse vs. Physical Abuse:
Those men and women who have not been physically abused by their wives and husbands but are verbally abused on a daily basis remain confused whether or not they are in a damaging relationship.
Unlike physical abuse, verbal abuse is difficult to identify. Once a person has been hit, it is a physical abuse. There is no need to be confused because the bruises are visible. On the other hand, verbal abuse is more dangerous because there is no “apparent” damage. Yet, it causes internal destruction, leaves invisible scars, wounded spirit and low self-esteem.
Verbal abuse can be done by either spouse. In some cases, the perpetrator is the wife who not only verbally abuses her husband but drags his whole family along the way.
Islam recognizes the evil of verbal abuse and perhaps that's why there is so much emphasis on guarding one's tongue and keeping others secured from its invisible harm.
“A true believer is not involved in taunting, or frequently cursing (others) or in indecency or abusing.”' (al-Tirmidhi)
If this is the right of a regular Muslim, then how much more so a wife or husband is entitled to be safe from verbal abuse and taunting.
In another narration, the Prophet of Allāh said:
“…Cursing a believer is like murdering him.” (Al-Bukhāri and Muslim)
SubḥānAllāh, how true are the words of the Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam who thoroughly acknowledge that, in fact, harsh tongue and cursing is as painful and harmful as murdering someone.
Hence, those husbands who are duped into thinking that they are free from being abusive because they have never raised their hands on their wives, yet, frequently curse or use abusive/foul language should take heed in the words of the Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam. And so should the wives who have been using harsh tongue against their husbands.
Break the Cycle:
If you are in a verbally abusive relationship, then change your situation. Remember YOU have to break the pattern. The first step is to acknowledge your spouse's verbal abuse.
Ask yourself the following questions:
●Do you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner?
●Do you feel threatened, humiliated, helpless or depressed?
●Do you feel as though you cannot do anything right?
●Does your spouse belittle you?
●Does your partner have complete control over your bank accounts?
●Does your spouse ignore or disregard your achievements?
●Does your partner blame you for all of your marriage problems?[i]
Oppression must not be encouraged whether physical or verbal. Find the courage to change your situation.
●Communicate with your spouse. You should not be intimidated to talk to your spouse.
●Set Limits: be specific what you can tolerate and what you cannot.
●Seek help: your spouse must not have any problem should you get a third party involved to seek help
●See a therapist: be careful who you chose for therapy
●See a Religious Counselor:
- If you chose to speak with a shaykh, make sure he has enough time to listen to your problem thoroughly.
- Do not catch the shaykh during the prayer breaks for 10-15 minutes.
- Make an appointment.
Make sure the shaykh spends enough time to listen to your complain and your spouse's and give step by
step advice to both of you. - Make a follow up appointment to ensure the benefits of
his advice.
A “Henpecked” Husband
In some cultures, eastern and western, a kind and affectionate husband is considered “henpecked” by family and friends. Consequently, to prove otherwise husbands may resort to verbal harshness in public or even in private. Let them be reminded, that in the eyes of Allāh 'azzawajal, the Ultimate Judge, their strength as husbands is not shown in how much verbally they can abuse their wives, rather:
“The strong man is not one who wrestles well but the strong man is one who
controls himself when he is in a fit of rage.”
And the excellence of a man has been described in his good manners and in his control over his tongue. And the excellence of a man has been described in his good manners and in his control over his tongue. Abu Musa Al-Ash`ari (ra) reported: I asked the Messenger of Allāh, ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam:
“Who is the most excellent among the Muslims?” He said, “One from whose tongue and hands the other Muslims are secure.”
(Al-Bukhāri and Muslim)
This right is exceedingly due upon the wives. If a wife is not secured form her husband's tongue then it merely shows the weakness, cowardliness and lowliness of a man's character not his strength
Woman's Harsh Tongue:
Sisters remember the story of the two women, one prayed and fasted and performed extra acts of worship yet she was known to be very harsh with her tongue towards others. The other women performed her obligatory acts of worship but she was very polite to towards others and didn't hurt anyone with her tongue. The first one was from the women of hellfire and the second was from the people of Jannah.
If this is the case in dealing with others, just imagine what will happen if a wife, consistently, uses harsh tongue towards her husband, who has most rights over her politeness, respect and kind treatment.
وقولوا قولاً سديداً
Allāh 'azzawajal says (which means):
O you who have believed, fear Allāh and speak words of appropriate justice قولا سديدا
. He will [then] amend for you your deeds and forgive you your sins…(Sūrat'l-Aḥzāb:71)
In this verse
قولا سديدا
has a very profound meaning. It doesn't merely mean just speech rather these are the words through which a person connects with the world around him/her. A spouse is the one a person most frequently interacts with hence the one most entitled toقولا سديدا .
It doesn't merely mean just speech rather these are the words through which a person connects with the world around him/her. A spouse is the one a person most frequently interacts with hence the one most entitled to قولا سديدا. These words (everyday speech) are from the characteristics that separate a person from the other creatures and these words are the means by which a person makes himself/herself either from the people of Hell or people of Jannah.[ii]
Lastly, those brothers and sisters who are in emotionally abusive relationship must realize that verbal abuse is often worse than physical abuse. Words hurt and can be more harmful than physical pain. Also, patience through verbal abuse (though will be rewarded by Allāh'azzawajal inshā'Allāh) can and will have damaging effects on the children. Not only at the time when they are growing up but on how it shapes their personality and what type of spouses would they turn out to be in future. Mostly, sons will follow their father's footsteps and daughters will follow their mother's. Hence, be cautious of what you are putting your children through and take a stand for yourself and for your children.
[i] http://www.marriagemax.com/blog/how-to-stop-verbal-and-emotional-abuse/
May Allah reward all those working on this series, ameen.
Verbal abuse is no easy thing, and in a long-term relationship it is more damaging than you can imagine. It destroys the victim slowly, whittling away at their happiness, their well-being, their confidence, their self-esteem, and worst of all, their faith.
The effects of verbal abuse are long-reaching as well. Not only does it affect the victim, but children who witness it are also psychologically and emotionally scarred (as we saw from the previous article). They, in turn, may either become abusers or be further abused.
Umm Reem, thank you for pointing out the warnings against and dangers of verbally harming a fellow Muslim as outlined in the Qur’an and Sunnah – as most of us seem to conveniently “forget” that verbal abuse between spouses is just as severe (if not more so) than speaking ill towards strangers. So too do we forget that those closest to us – parents, spouses, and children – are amongst those who have the greatest rights over us in terms of good conduct!
I agree It’s real break my Faith
Knives ,axes acts like a day but harsh words always stay .
In relation to the criticism of the concept of the “henpecked husband” as an example of a possibly ignorant or unIslamic trait of certain less developed cultures, could the author please clarify:
If there is a situation wherein a man’s parents and wife demand different things and neither is immoral or un-Islamic, is there a preference for whose request the man may be more receptive to?
Secondly, do the parents and dependent/needy siblings of a man have a right over his wealth/earnings along with his wife and children? If a man spends his time/wealth on his wife to the detriment of his parents when they need him, is he being chivalrous (or to use the vernacular, henpecked)? Does the Quran command believers to lower the wings of humility and not even express displeasure with uff to one’s parents or one’s spouse?
Or is it the contention of MM that while parents do have rights, the denial of rights to one’s parents and relations is non-existent in the Muslim community, while the denial of the rights of the wife by husbands is an epidemic? Perhaps better communication of how we see the world will lead to a better life and people who don’t share too many values don’t end up marrying each other.
why can’t he fulfill both?
It depends…and I am sure that answer may vary from situation to situation…it is best to ask a local shaikh about the specific situation
If the parents are in need of their son, then he must take care of them. I do not believe that wife’s and parent’s rights overlap. There has to be a balance and every man has to figure out how to balance it. But if someone’s parents are in need of extra assistance I am sure he can speak to his wife and get her to support him in fulfilling his obligations towards his parents. Allah knows best.
I would like to compliment this reply & add that please brother, do not confuse “chivalry” & “hen-pecked.” They are very different in meaning & both are actually terms based from entirely different times in history. “hen-pecked” is more of an older term that is more negative indicating the man who is similar to a rooster without will of his own based on being pecked into submission by a hen. Quite simply the unnatural & miserable results of a male creature submitting to a female. Today’s modern society tends to refer to this more commonly as “brow-beaten”. However, chivalry is very much a positive, charming & wonderfully respectful behavior/mentality from ancient times of kings, queens, knights, etc & probably much further back than that. Chivalry is dying & nearly an extinct art form amongst modern males. Chivalry greatly involves the desire to protect, be proper & gracious of thought, speech, & behavior. Today we more commonly know this as being a gentleman.
As our beautiful contributors are attempting to share, modern men are far too commonly trained not to be gentleman, not to be affectionate, kind, gentle & protective & loving of their wives today so as to not be considered ‘weak’ or ‘pathetic’ amongst other men. Just as modern women are far too commonly taught to be strong, do not tolerate men’s ‘historical’ abusive cruelty which is sadly experienced still today by our Mothers, Grandmothers, sisters, aunts, daughters, etc…
Therefore, we have far too many ‘commonly accepted’ modern practices/beliefs/attitudes/speech/etc that is far removed from ALLAH’s instructions of how we are to live & treat one another. Very sad, but we have to struggle always to return to the very HEART of ALLAH’s rules & guidance beginning in the home with husband & wife, father & mother, parent & child, sibling to sibling & then allowing this spiritual beauty to overtake communities, societies, nations, & all of creation. Insha ALLAH :) we can only pray, try & hope because together we are all better!
Jazak Allah khaira for this article.
You have said, “…verbal abuse in marital relationships has been a major problem in Muslim communities.”
This statement makes me feel as if most Muslim families suffer from such a problem. I agree with you that it is a problem; however, there are many Muslim spouses who have stable relationship. I love to see the picture from both sides. It gives hope and shows those who suffer from abusiveness that it is possible to develop a healthy relationship. I jokingly told one of my friends who enjoys happy relationship with her husband “Are you not bored because you have not quarreled with your husband for years.”
What do you mean by “Religious Counselor”?
I think this is a confusing word because it is not necessarily that sheikhs are qualified to give marital advice. A marital consultant should have knowledge about marital relationships, besides having Islamic knowledge, especially knowledge related to Islamic family law.
Jazakallah khair for this very important post! I think that you did a beautiful job in addressing both the potentially abusive husband and wife!
Another beautiful article. MM should keep up the good work.
So long as one is not allowed to marry ones mother (or father, for that matter), Islam has made provisions for ALL, including ones spouse within ones means.
Verbal abuse is a real issue and as the author mentioned, it usually dents the victim’s self-image. The situation is worse if the victim lacked self-confidence prior to getting married.
As a matter of principle, whatever verbal abuse I am subjected to gets turned round against the speaker.
For instance, when I was insulted for not getting pregnant, I beseeched Allah against conceiving and having a child in such a condition. Although, I do not have a child, I am satisfied I have not brought a child into this world to suffer for my actions. I am content being surrounded by other people’s children until that nice, loving man comes along.
Umm Sulaim
Great post, masha’Allah. I especially like the part where you emphasized that each person has a part to play in the “cycle” of abuse and the cycle can thus be broken by taking that first step toward doing something different. Victims cannot merely wait for their spouse to seek help or change, they have to make a change as well in regards to how they will behave in response to the abuse.
Somebody mentioned balancing parents and wife, and I like how one Shaykh put it. It’s not either one or the other, you have to find a way to make them both happy =) That being said though, no one is responsible for another person’s happiness, whether parents or spouse. A person is responsible for their own behavior in being the best person they can be toward others. If a parent or spouse has an unrealistic expectation of how their child or spouse should be, then they need help realigning their expectations. I think that’s one thing we get tripped up on, personally. We think we are responsible for our parents or spouse’s happiness unconditionally, which would be insane. =)
I don’t think I got my point across. There are certain basic rights and roles for both the spouse and parents. Of course, one should try to come to a point where you can make both happy. However, there is a small asymmetry that I do not think people realize here. Even though a non-Islamic state does not enforce or recognize this, a man has a duty to support his parents if they need him. So for example, if a man does not do so (because he does not want to or his wife doesn’t let him), then a small, reasonable portion of his income/wealth should be confiscated from him to support his parents, just like child support. A woman does not have an obligation to earn and support her parents, although morally her husband should try to pitch in if he can or may be let his wife work to support them. Secondly, I am not aware of any hadith mentioning paradise being under the feet of your wife, unlike the one about one’s mother. It might be bad, but one can divorce one’s spouse but you can’t divorce our parents. None of this means that any spouse should go along and be abusive towards the other or that any in-laws should make it a point to create trouble. However, there are these basic differences in these relationships, and you can’t just ignore them. I just haven’t found anyone acknowledging these things at all in the whole series. Yes, abuse is bad but if everyone wants to bury their heads under the sun, while we put all these “backward, eastern cultural baggage” behind us so we don’t have to face issues that seem quaint, then all you will achieve is may be a slight improvement in outward signs of domestic relationships and an even higher divorce rate (which is already in the vicinity of that of the general population). And a few years later, most of the people campaigning right now will themselves be kicked to the curb by their kids since this is what they grew up with.
The “you can divorce your spouse but not your parents” is a very often misused statement. Sometimes, parents ask unrealistic things from their children and they they dont/cant obey, they come up with this line which is pathetic to say the least.
Another very abused event is quoting Hadhrat Umars advice to his son to divorce his wife. Its as if every other parent thinks they have the right to ask their child to divorce a spouse simply because of that incident.
There are millions of possible scenarios’ , in some of them the husband doesnt fulfil his parents rights, in others the wife doesnt fulfil her duties, and in some the parents dont fulfil their childrens rights.
Your post seems to be focused on one side only…
Every child has a duty to support his parents if they cant do so, but that is not necessarily at the expense of his duties towards his spouse and children.
As for “eastern cultural baggage”, let me give just one example, while men have to support their parents, there is no requirement for them to live under one roof with his parents. Yet many “Desi” families consider this the main requirement and all hell breaks loose if everyone, inncluding all unmarried siblings dont live in one home…
When the parents are very old its a different matter, but Islamically it suffices if a man takes care of his family while staying near them, but not necessarily in the same home
>> Your post seems to be focused on one side only…
I did acknowledge that there can be in-laws who create problems, but my post was an attempt at bringing to attention something that is being completely ignored, even undermined as people one after the other talk about one side. A simple exercise in in-grouping and group-think doesn’t change anything in reality. I think problems can lie on both sides (in general that is, specific families may have one side creating most of the issues).
Anecdotally, I think there is a large problem in the community on the other side, and by completely ignoring it, MM might be becoming part of the problem in that sense.
>As for “eastern cultural baggage”, let me give just one example, while men have to >support their parents, there is no requirement for them to live under one roof with his >parents. Yet many “Desi” families consider this the main requirement and all hell >breaks loose if everyone, including all unmarried siblings dont live in one home…
I think this illustrates the problem very well. First of all, just as there Islam allows the couple not to live with the husband’s family, there is no requirement or even recommendation to do so. So can we please be clear that people integrating a large part of non-Islamic culture (I didn’t say unIslamic) in the name of integration etc. shouldn’t go off talking about baggage, and even worse, accusations of bid’ah for customs that are not mandated but clearly mustahhab? Secondly, I do not know of anyone in my social circle who married and lived in the same house as his parents (other than the rare case of needing their financial support which the wife was in favor of). However, I do know lots of cases in which the wife has kept the husband from fulfilling his duty to support his parents, even from afar and has kept the grandkids almost unaware of his paternal grandparents. The most one can expect is a theoretical acknowledgement as given by you, but when it comes to practice, there is always some excuse. With the state of child custody rules under English Common Law in the US and UK the way they are, and the convenient anti-Muslim male sentiment among to be expected from many judge and jury, the husband is basically forced to chose between him having some time with his kids and basically leaving his parents, or having a few measly visitations.
Your article is excellent. We know so many young ladies who are being subjected to this kind of abuse. It is really hard for these victims to get out of this “quick sand” or “whirlpool” or whatever you call it, especially after they have children. Even the girls’s family get drawn into this type of abuse. Apart from the parents and some close relatives, people don’t have empathy for girls. Only Allah can help these poor souls.
Assalam aleikum, abuse is an insidious thing to say the least. I was raised by parents who did a lot of yelling and fighting and often times ridiculing. I have very specific memories of things my parents have done to me in the past and when I talk to them about it, they deny it, don’t remember it, you name it.
I have essentially cut myself off from my family and for years and years I didn’t understand why. All I knew is they made me feel horrible about myself constantly. When I became muslim, I tried very hard to be obedient and loving but I just couldn’t bring myself to be near them. The fact they’re kuffar makes it worse. I didn’t really understand what was wrong with me until I got married. My wife heard how my parents spoke to me and about me, listened to the stories I told and was beyond shocked. She told me flat out that I was abused.
My parents did do a lot of good things for me, but for whatever reason, it was the bad that stuck with me and affected me the most. For example, I was 13 or so when I took an all first aid course. The course was an activity for my scout group and so I mostly didn’t pay attention and kidded around. Well, I failed, pretty badly as you might expect. What you may not expect is the response my mother, who is a nurse, gave me. She said “I have never been so embarrassed in my life” and said it loudly, in front a great deal of other people. My parents came to visit my wife and I when our first child was born. We had a get together at my in laws and my mother dominated the conversation of course, at one point leaning over to my mother in law and saying ‘Gee, I hope my grandson doesn’t have the same skin condition my son does”(I have excema) Again, I talk to my parents about this on occasion and they will say things like “Oh yeah, we were such horrible parents”
As I said earlier, it actually took my wife telling me it was abusive to realize that’s what it was. Abuse is so insidious that you don’t even realize it’s being done a lot of times. It causes so many problems in marriage and parenting. What’s worse is, it affects you without you even knowing it is. I have caught myself doing the same stuff my parents did to my wife and my kids and I hate it. Abuse affects so many and is truly evil.
JazakAllah khair for sharing this Abu Youssef. Alhamdulillah that you were able to HEAR and LISTEN to your wife telling you that the behavior was abusive. Like your parents, some people choose to deny it and continue on with their behavior as if nothing is wrong. It is good your wife was able to recognize it and encourage you to seek change.
The previous article shows how abuse by parents can affect children and their relationship in a marriage and this article highlights very well that verbal abuse can be even more insidious than physical, because it is hidden. I feel as though one of my friends suffers from verbal abuse but doesn’t see it because the scars are on the inside. But, I can tell by words she uses about herself and things she tells me about that she may be in a really unhealthy relationship.
I am glad Muslim matters is taking such a strong lead in bringing all these issues out into the open. Jazakum Allahu khairun! Let us ALL now find ways to change this problem.
Sorry. I strongly object to the word “partner” being used to describe any relation on a website called “Muslim Matters”, as we all understand what it implies and why it is used instead of “spouse”. There is no possible justification for its usage. Let’s just stick to “spouse”, which covers husband and wife, but not homsexual or extra-marital relations.
You have a valid point.
I read a lot about marital issues from a psychological perspective and books on abuse, addictions, love etc. because sometimes I have to give advice on these issues. Most of these books/articles use the word “partner” and unfortunately (now that you pointed out) I think I have become accustomed to saying “partner”!
But you are right, on a Muslim site we need to maintain our values though the advice can be taken by whoever finds it beneficial.
JazakAllah khiar
And why would a woman still live with her husband if she is being abused. Looks like she really does not have any brains.
There could be any number of reasons beyond stupidity:
1) Not recognizing that what she is experienceing is called “abuse”
2) Embarrassed about telling anyone that her husband is abusive (particularly for newlyweds when everyone is still making jokes about how cute the couple is and how in love they look or how the honeymoon is still going on.)
3) Being ashamed of the fact that she is abused
4) Being too proud to ask for help or afraid of showing any weakness
5) Not knowing who to turn to for help
6) Being told to be “patient”
7) Hoping that love and time can solve everything
8) Having small children and knowing she cannot run away with them
9) Believing she won’t be capable of supporting herself
10) Continuously seeing some tiny amount of good in her husband, giving herself a reason to hang on a bit more.
And the list goes on and on. These reasons are by no means GOOD reasons to stay, but I think we should encourage women to rethink their reasons rather than simply calling them stupid.
Scholars today say that women should not work, and therefore a degree is purposeless, and then when they are abused they have no means of escape. Also, we have a society that is okay with domestic abuse but frowns on women seeking divorce.
What you describe was my own situation, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t have options.
- Get an online job, such as typing manuscripts, just to get a bit of money. If you are reading this, you have access to internet
- Get a bank account which your husband does not have access to. Again, if you have internet, you can get a bank account without even going to a bank. Find one that you can open for free
- Find somewhere to escape to for a short time until you land on your feet. If you have no family or friends, find a homeless shelter (yes, I know, this could be dangerous. Only use it if staying in your own home is even more dangerous)
- Start looking into available jobs for once you are out. There are some available for even unskilled workers if you look hard enough. If you have to walk three hours to get to your job because you have no car, then do it.
- Make dua like crazy, and trust Allah that He will take care of your future.
This was my plan before I left. Alhamdulillah, Allah sent help my way before I needed to resort to some of it. But it was empowering to know I was not without options.
Point being that women are not “trapped” in their marriages by society, lack of money, or lack of education. They are trapped because they choose to believe that they are. Even educated, working women sometimes remain in abusive relationships.
One more thing. Encourage women to get educated, and have a job, so that they can seek divorce. We don’t need 10,000 articles on domestic abuse. Just one which encourages women to get an education, and keep a divorce in mind from Edited- please keep it clean, Brother Yusha
keep a divorce in mind
I definitely agree with that part.
Divorce is a thing which the shaytaan loves most even theiblis gives up his throne for the day to a shaytaan that has cauaed a divorce this should be the very very last option read namaz seek help from elders and mainly communicate with each other divorce in England is so easy as all facilities are availabe legal aid council house all benefits everything but it is still halal to divorce but should be taken very very cautiously and seriously so i implore you whoever is thinking about this to explore all options first esprcialy if kid are involved please please
assalamu’alaykum
This is a great article, mashaAllah. Many people know that physical abuse is wrong, but they will trivialize the verbal abuse they say to their spouses in moments of anger.
Regarding this:
I have heard this before, where can I find the reference for it?
As salaamu ‘alaykum, jazakAllah khayr for a very beneficial article.
I wanted to add one thing — you mentioned seeking religious counsel from a Shaykh. Not all shaykhs are equipped to counsel marriages, though.
Also, a few points were laid out to see if the reader was the victim of verbal abuse, but perhaps it would be beneficial (perhaps more) to lay out some points that would open our eyes to see if WE are the perpetrators of verbal abuse.
jazakAllah khayr again and keep up the good work! :)
Although in many ways it really is a life “partnership”
Salam,
I was just wondering if you guys had any tips on what should other community members do when they hear or know about somebody being physically abused by her husband. Do we call the cops on him? I really need some help
JazakAllah
Financial concerns aren’t the only barrier to a woman leaving… In many cases it’s about the custody of the children. Suppose she can get adequate support for herself but not enough for her children. What should she then?
In fact, what are the custody laws in Islam?
I am sorry sister, but where did you get your translation of the story of the two women? You seemed to infer a lot into that story.
Someone asked: “O Messenger of Allah! A woman is famous for her prayers, fasting and many charities, but she talks rudely with her neighbors. Tell me, what will be her fate?” He replied: “She is of Hell.” Then the person asked: “O Messenger of Allah! Another woman does not do much by way of prayers and fasting; gives pieces of cheese in charity and does not harm her neighbors.” He replied: “She is of the Paradise.” [Musnad Ahmad; Vol. 2, #9688; Narrated by Abu Hurairah]
Great article! Thank you for sharing this with everyone! Btw, I think 2nd and 3rd paragraphs are essentially saying the same thing and perhaps you could delete one.
i am married to this man for just 6 months,he’s jordanian and i am filipina i am new in Islam, and he’s a muslim.. in this period of time i experienced and i am still experiencing his emotional or verbal abuse.. we always start the arguments with a small discussion or topic.. i admit its bcoz of me, and its not bcoz i dont want to discuss or share my opinion but everytime he always find something wrong in my point of views then after that he will say that i have poor knowledge or sometimes “use your brain!”.. about his religion i understand the laws and obligations as a muslim.. the first word in Qur’an is READ and when he say this he will say bcoz u are lazy u dont read thats y u have a poor knowledge!” i am trying to know more and learn more about Islam but how can i do that instead of having patience on teaching and helping me he’s pushing me away and use it against me .. but he always use Islam to tell me something like, “you have to obey me without objecting unless what i want is not allowed in Islam or against the religion and i understand that.. as a a wife i must obey him and care for him but he is being unfair bcoz he didnt care bout what i feel, he always tell me that i watch too much movie thats y im so dramatic, and im living in a real world.. he dont allow me to work bcoz he dont want me to have my own income.. he asked me before y i want to work, i answered him bcoz i want to have my own income and not depending on u coz i still want to help my family.. coz he’s the one who’s paying for our house in my country and sending money to my family.. but unfortunately every money he spent, he always count it in my face, from the time he traveled to my country and married me, money he spent for my visa, for the house and etc.. i dont know what to do.. im just 24 and he’s 34..and about the quiz that u have, i answered 15 yes out of 25 questions.. i need help.. i need an advise.. :’(
I’m deal.with this now …..and can’t talk him he tell me shut the f. up…what should I do
Why do they keep doing Haram things and they follower the Sunnah
AsSalamAlaikum, this article was a good reminder of how spouses should treat each other. I will confess, I have made mistakes in my actions which I regret. But, I can ‘t tell you how many times I have been degraded and shouted at in Public & in front of family! Screamed at directly in my ears, “Your Stupid!” 10x’s like a broken record all at once on several occasions. The mistakes I have made are in my weakness to take revenge by using the saying, ‘well, the only way he will understand is if I do it back to him’. This is a wrong approach to solving my situation, I know. However, I make dua every day that Allah will give me patience to tolerate this test that has been given to me. I pray all the time that Allah gives me something better either sooner or later. JazakAllah Khiran for all that you do for our ummah!
I am a filipina married to an american , i was abused physically and verbally for 6 yrs of our mariage. I decided to be converted to a muslim because i believed that in Islam Women are Protected . The more he became so abusive on me and to my children who also converted to a muslim, they were also physically abused by my husband .We decided to stay away from him because we cant stand anymore all the abuses. The worst there when he said that Islam is Evil its so hurting i felt like he murdered me. The pain inside up to now is still there even at night i couldnt sleep , its very traumatic . Im praying to Allah (swt’s ) to give me more strength and to overcone my uncertainties. MY Husband ask me to choose him and stay away from Islam, but. NO! I will never chose him over my faith with Islam . Allah revive my soul and showed light into my heart. I wish that anyone could see how your love has made me strong .Islam brought me to the right path. I am thankful to Allah that he has chosen me and my children. Alhamdulilah….
Editor: Sorry, just that my blood boils when I read about domestic abuse.
Mahek: Thank you.
>Even educated, working women sometimes remain in abusive relationships.
Very true. To all women I say, please, for God’s sake, get a degree, and get out of marriage when it is abusive. Working women have no excuse.
Urdu/Hindi Proverb
ZULM KARNA BHI GUNAH HAI, ZULM SEHNA BHI GUNAH HAI
>These reasons are by no means GOOD reasons to stay, but I think we should encourage women to rethink their reasons rather than simply calling them stupid.
The rate of domestic abuse all over the world is extreme. A woman is abused every 15 seconds in the U.S. – Source. It isn’t much better in South Asian countries or the Middle East. I do not agree with all your points, and while in western societies women seek divorce more often, it is the attitude of Muslim societies that is to be held responsible. We have a society that is comfortable with domestic abuse but frowns when women seek divorce.
ASAK: You are so right about the reasons for not getting out of the abusive relationships.
Thank you for offering sound reasons for why a woman would “stupidly” stay in such a marriage. I would like to add a personal note to them.
I am one of those “stupid” women. I was raised in the West and am well educated. I was very independent prior to marriage. It never occurred to me that marriage was a case of “he’s the boss” because, quite frankly, I was too new to Islam to understand that a born-Muslim might regard marriage entirely different than me, a convert. For years, I have tolerated my controlling foreign-born husband who feels justified to say terrible things to me and my children. I have tolerated his sometimes “abusive” disciplinary measures against the children. Why do I stay?
1. In fairness to him, such characteristics are flaws of his, not his entire package. He can be loving, charming, and nice. He takes his role of provider and head of the family extremely seriously. He is very religiously committed. In the beginning, as a newer Muslim, I was just trying to make the best of everything, and learn my religion and practice it correctly.
2. When children are involved, and when one examines the fatwa out there, it can be utterly confusing as to whether or not it is truly better to end a marriage. I am not locked up in a bedroom, I am not cursed at daily, but my husband is undoubtedly controlling in ways that conflict with my personality and cultural background, and this has eroded my affection toward him.
3. It is very evident that despite my husband’s frightening temper and harsh discipline, he loves his children without limit. He is, aside from when he goes overboard with how he punishes them, very affectionate toward them, and seeks the best Islamic upbringing for them, although his strictness in religion may seem “extreme” at times. Perhaps by not leaving this marriage, I am doing more good by keeping the family intact and being a constant, more moderate presence in my children’s lives (even though I am criticized by him for this “moderation” or “permissiveness” or “apathy” or “poor handling of my parenting responsibility”. I can assure you it is frightening to wonder if Allah would punish me for breaking up the family when there may be more good in keeping the marriage intact.
4. Every single fatwa out there, and I have been seeking guidance for years, advises the woman to stay patient, turn to Allah, look for the good in her situation, fear Allah in seeking divorce and breaking up the family, etc. I do not have anyone to turn to other than Allah, as I have been threatened by my husband from ever speaking to anybody about our troubles. I may be miserable in my marriage (maybe another woman would not be in similar circumstances), but does that give me the right to break up a family?
5. Fatwas left and right remind the women of the rights their husbands have over them, that men have the RIGHT to be controlling and keep their wives mostly at home, and that a woman who unreasonably seeks a divorce will not come close to jennah.
6. In my case, it’s clear that my husband was brought up with some verbal and physical abuses, and that these kinds of abuses are culturally acceptable and not regarded as abuse at all! We made the decision years ago to move from the West to his country to raise the children in a Muslim majority environment (how sad that these norms are in a Muslim country!), and as a foreigner in a very controlling marriage, it is all the more difficult to pick up and leave.
In summary brothers and sisters, do not pass judgement on anyone. It is not always a clear-cut decision to make.
Hello Worried,
Why I appreciate why you stay – it sounds like we are in somewhat of the same boat you should ask yourself some key questions.
1. How do my children react to my husband’s behavior?
Before I put my foot down on getting chewed out in front of the kids, I had my 4 yr old son modeling his behavior and standing before me wagging his finger telling me I was a bad bad mommy and being completely disrespectful- that is not ok. Would his harsh punishment qualify as child abuse? Look it up. If it is, that will leave them scarred later on in life
2. Do I still get to engage in self-care? Do things I like?
I was, and largely still am, unable to do things that give me joy. He won’t let me out after dark, even if it is 5pm (I am a 40 yr old Western gal). He won’t let me attend anything on my own. I fought for 6 months to get a one afternoon a week volunteer job working with kids and had to fight each week to keep it (he undermined me every step of the way). Having that volunteer job truly kept me sane.
3. Do I respect him?
I do not like sleeping with a man who treats me like dirt, ignores me or rants at me for hours on end and then expects to get it on when he feels like it. I don’t. I have hated relations with him for over 3 years now. How is that for patience.
4. Why can’t I talk to someone about my struggles?
My man says we can’t go to the Muslim community because they will gossip and can’t seek outside counseling becuase they will side with me – because all they care about is destroying the Muslim family (and they all hate Arabs).
5. Are our marital troubles my fault?
Does he never take responsibility for being so hot and cold? Is it always you who bear the burden of your marital woes according to him? That is not ok.
If your kids are healthy emotionally, you can take care of yourself, and respect him enough to be his woman – then stay. If not, then go. It isn’t easy. I still have so much doubt and every time I try to stand up for myself I hear his voice saying how people just wish to ruin the family and if it werent for my stupid feminism (stirring me to go out at 6 pm) we would be hunky dory. Bottom line is I need to love myself and be strong to care for my kids and I can’t do that with him. It is a very difficult path to leave but a worse one to stay. Just for me.
We are not stupid. You are simply working it through. period.
I wish you the best.
Assakamualaikum Worried.
I’ve been where you are, and similar justifications for keeping my marriage went through my head. Then I started reading about the Sahaba’s lives, their character, and the various divorces that took place at that time and the circumstances surrounding them.
You will find that some of the best people who have ever walked on Earth – the Sahaba – divorced equally good people. Even though they had children, their spouses were good parents, they had good personalities, etc. their divorces were justified.
In Islam, a marriage doesn’t need to remain intact if a couple, or even a single spouse, is unhappy, and that is enough reason for divorce. The sahaba proved this.
Barakallahufeek.
Dear “A”…
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. Each and every one your questions has gone round and round in my head for years. I’ll reply to each point you made, mostly in the hope that this kind of exchange will be helpful to other sisters out there.
1. My husband, for the most part, keeps his rants at me private from the children. I am, nonetheless, very concerned about the mores and attitudes regarding Muslim women that will carry over into their adult lives, and the way that excessive physical discipline will play out when they find themselves in parenting roles. Some of this I have to leave with Allah subhana wa taala because if I really felt my kids were at risk, I would have been out the door with them years ago. The kinds of things they “suffer” through may, in fact, be more damaging to ME and my marriage, as they have no benchmarks for comparison, while I do.
2. I do not have the personal freedom to be who I am, to do as I like, go where I want, or even simply to be the mother and friend I would like to be. My husband has permitted, me, however, to work from home, and through this work Allah has blessed me with a viable income and networking opportunities, as well as much-needed sense of accomplishment outside of domestic pursuits.
3. I respect and admire certain qualities in my husband, but most evidently (and to the detriment of our marriage) I do not hold the correct Islamic respect for him as a husband. I feel like a broken person in this marriage, and he has become a resented authority figure over me. Of course this has great impact on our sex lives, although he fails to comprehend this. I have tried the normal discussion routes to solve these issues. They go nowhere. He feels perfectly entitled to act the way he does, and has concluded that the problem is my lousy Western upbringing and ingratitude toward the husband.
4. I do confide in a single friend about my troubles, even though I have been severely warned not say anything to anyone else. Actually, if I am very honest, my greatest struggle in this matter is my failure as a Muslim to turn humbly and sincerely to Allah swt,…may He forgive me. I feel like I am just shutting down emotionally, and part of that shut-down has included forgetting to cry to Allah.
5. He will accept fault…sometimes. But it is a viscous cycle, really. I don’t feel like trying to make my marriage work. I don’t want to feel close to him ever again. I see no point to it.
As for your closing comments, I am a hair’s breadth away from leaving. I see it as a matter of time, not a matter of “if.” I sincerely ask for everyone’s du’a that Allah forgive any wrongdoing on his part and any wrongdoing on my part, and that Allah protect my children from what they have already endured, and what they will likely endure as a result of divorce.
Thank you Rifa. I am very scared to be among those women who will not get close enough to Jennah to even breathe in its fragrance. I am very scared to be one of those women who is in the hell fire due to her tongue and her ingratitude to her husband.
I am feeling the exact same thing! subhanallaah…
I divorced my abusive ex-husband after only a year of marriage, all my energy has been sucked away, i wasn’t living anymore, i felt nothing, no happiness, no sadness, no worrying, no joy, nothing…his words, his actions, his screams, his evil eyes looking at me, his anger…i felt I was to blame, i was the only one who made mistakes, it was only my fault…I was always scared, he was always frightining me, making me feel hopeless
The image my ex-husband gave before getting married was perfect, he was everything I was looking for…i loved him so much, so so much…i was blind, always looking for that perfect man he once was
yes, he had these moments of loving husdand, kindness and caring…i was looking for excuses everytime he was angry, because he was so good, how can he be like this?! I know it’s not him…deep inside, he is good…
well, i was wrong, and blinded by love…i was doing everything, giving all my energy just to please him, make him happy…which made me forget about Allaah, all my efforts were only on him just to see him smile…i was living for him
is love worth it if im not happy?
I was a pious woman, really religious…reading quran everyday, fasting, going to halaqas…but after marriage, everything was gone even salat! I even thought about suicide estraghfirallaah…I was in a deep depression, an emotionnal break-down, i was feeling worthless
Maybe i wasn’t the woman he was looking for, maybe he didn’t love me or I loved him too much…I just didn’t feel that this marriage was right because everything was wrong, weeks, months passed…and nothing was getting better, it was only getting worse and worse
Divorce was my only solution, alhamdoullillaah my family helped me open my eyes and Allaah saved me, I am now closer to Allaah than ever before…alhamdoullillaah we don’t have children (we tried having a baby…if i had a child, I would’ve stayed for the sake of my children)
I am asking Allaah to forgive him, and to forgive me
May Allaah give all the suffering women patience, and strengh to endure whatever decision they take, take it for the sake of Allaah and doors will open insha’Allaah, may Allaah forgive you and may He bring you blessings in your life