Muslims Caught Cheating: Advice to Protect Against Infidelity

Bismillah,
Updated

I don't know how to start addressing this topic; I am angry, and really emotional right now. My emotions about this issue wander between sadness and disgust. Three cases of Muslim married women cheating on their husbands with Muslim men were presented to me and the details are outrageous.

This isn't a rumor. It was a conversation that I had with a Muslim marriage counselor. It all started with a casual conversation about marriage but then it took a very sharp turn as the counselor started to tell me about some of the stories that they get exposed to on a daily bases. No names were mentioned walhamdulillah, but the details were shared with me for the purpose of education. It is worthy to note here that the punishment of spreading such rumors in Islam is 80 lashes.

My aim for this article is to reach out to the inner thoughts that women have about their own marriage or about marriages they see around them. Also, I hope to shed some light on what should be done to avoid such a major sin, from my humble perspective.

This isn't written to throw blame around; rather, I am writing about this topic to educate sisters, both young and old, married or single, of the consequences of some of their actions. It is also to warn my brothers who are married with problems (serious problems i.e.) as well as those who are in the process of getting married.

To my sisters:

1. Find adventure in your house, not outside with shameless men.
2. Don't ever justify your parents' strictness with you pre-marriage as an excuse to go wild after marriage.
3. If you don't love your husband, and it is leading you to major sin, divorce him.
4. Don't ever use your children as an excuse to be abused by your husband.
5. Don't give da‘wah to men. DON'T! DON'T! DON'T!
6. Learn about your Hijab, don't just wear it.
7. Teach your daughters how to be modest… by example.
8. Teach your daughters how to be modest… by educating them, not forcing them.
9. When you are proposed to, look into the man's relationship with his mother (don't ask his mother, ask people around him).
10. When your daughter is proposed to, don't just look into the suitor's career, don't just look into his deen, don't just look into his family, don't just look only into his appearance… look at the whole package and don't compromise.
11. Don't be alone with men, even at the masjid.
12. MSA is not just a social club. It is for our brothers and sisters to work with each other to produce events and activities to bring Muslim students towards Allāh. Don't interact with the opposite gender unless there is a valid reason.
13. Porn is Haram just as masturbation is also Haram. You know it, so please try to follow through on that knowledge.
14. Give your husband what he needs. If he needs importance, then give him that. If he needs adventure, then give him that. If he needs certainty, then give him that. If he needs love, then give him that.
15. If your husband isn't loving you, it is better to leave him than to cheat on him. If you don't want to leave him, then don't use this as an excuse to cheat.
16. Looking for attention? Want some appreciation?  Then do something good… don't commit zina.
17. Don't watch Indian (or Egyptian) movies and let your fantasies fly with them. If you have to watch them, then please understand that they are movies, and not reality. If you want to fantasize about something, make sure you “communicate” with your husband about it, so you can do it together!
18. Women are also ordered to lower their gaze… Not just men. (Surat anNoor verse 31)
19. Even muhajibas can get raped… so be careful and cautious of your surroundings.
20. Men are different creatures than women (dah). Their psychology is different, their physiology is different, their logic is different… so why do you expect them to “understand you” right away? Rather educate yourself on how to deal with them. (Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus is an awesome book… read it)
    
21. Not everything your parents tell you about “how to deal with you husband” is accurate. Think for yourself, seek professional help and act upon it.
22. Friends could sometimes be the cause of all disasters. The Messenger of Allāh said “The person is on the religion of his/her friend, so examine whom you are friends with”.
23. When it comes to dealing with men, don't trust yourself, play it safe.
24. Don't trust any man who asks you to do something haram; you know what is haram and wrong.
25. Remember, Zina has introductions. Emails, private chat-rooms, phone calls, phone calls at night, secret meetings, meeting in hotel rooms… you get my drift?
26. Parents, please talk to you daughters: educate them, teach them what wrong and whats right, how to react to various situations, and please trust them. But don't “over-trust” them. In Egypt we have a proverb that says “Be aware, but don't distrust“
27. Your mother-inlaw is his mother. Respect her and understand her. If you start a war with her, you could lose your husband or your husband could lose his akhira.
28. Daughters: I know dealing with parents is a challenge. I know that parents don't always relate to children, and sometimes don't even attempt to. But just know that at the end of the day, that temporary forbidden excitement and forbidden love is like rotten meat covered with chocolate.
29. Above all, fear Allāh and know that He is watching you.

To My Brothers:

1. Fathers need to fulfill their daughter's emotional needs. If this need is not fulfilled, be aware that the first man to show them that emotional fulfillment will be able to seduce them (no matter how ugly or poor that man is). Same goes for husbands regarding their wives.
   
2. Your brothers,  cousins, and most family members  are NOT maharim to your wife, nor are they “just like her brother”.
   Allāh's Messenger said, “Beware of entering upon the ladies.” A man from the Ansar said, “Allāh's Apostle! What about the in-laws of the wife (the brothers of her husband or his nephews etc.)?” The Prophet replied: The in-laws of the wife are death itself. (Bukhāri & Muslim).
3. Women have physical needs just as men do:
   1. If a man has physical issues, he should see a doctor and not be embarrassed. The alternative is having your wife seek her physical enjoyment through haraam means.
   2. Your wife is not a slave, nor a machine you can just turn on and off.  Be intimate with your wife. [Shaykh Yaser Birjas gave an excellent lecture about sex education at Texas da‘wah Convention 2007 | click here to listen to it {must create a free account first}]
4. Please remember that your wife is a human being; if you abuse your wife physically, emotionally, or psychologically, then don't expect her to remain loyal to you (this is not an excuse for a woman to commit zina, it's an excuse for her to seek divorce/redress from him).
5. Don't remain separated for long periods of time.  A job that causes you to come home late every night, or leads you to travel for long periods of time is a job for singles, not husbands. It's time to find something that will allow you to spend more time with your family.
6. Love your woman. She is your wife. Be romantic to her. Do what pleases her, and she will make your life a living paradise.
7. Understand your woman. If you are having tons of miscommunication, then know that it is not all her fault. Maybe you need to seek some professional help.
8. Read “Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus” It will give you an insight on how women think.
9. Educate yourself on what your wife's needs are. If she needs attention, then give her attention. If she needs to feel important, then make her feel important. If she needs adventure, then give her adventure (nothing wrong with halal adventure every once a while). If she need LOVE, then my dear brother, give it to her!
10. Set the boundaries from the beginning. If you want her to treat you in a certain way, make sure you inform her with that. If she acts up, then let her know that she is “acting up” and how. See redress with her if you need to, but never, ever get physical. There are lots of ways of seeking redress from your wife, without hitting her.
11. Repect her family. If you don't like her family, then perhaps you shouldn't have married her in the first place. If you have already married her, then you must respect them, even if they are not respectful to you.
12. Make her mother happy. It works magic.
13. Before you marry her, please think deeply with your HEAD. If you see flaws in her, don't just bypass them. They could come back and haunt you.
14. Before you marry her, sit with her and ask her tough questions. Don't accept vague answers, otherwise you may regret not having full knowledge of the answers (especially if they are critical in your mind).
15. Don't ever put yourself in a situation where you have to choose between your wife and your mother. Work to smooth out their relationship from the beginning.
16. If she is not giving you what you want, seek help. If you cant get it resolved, and the issues are serious enough to cause you to fall in major sin, then consider divorcing her. Don't ever be in a relationship that you hate and cannot work out.
17. Finally, know that you also need to fear Allāh when dealing with her. The messenger of Allāh said, “You are all responsible, and you all will be asked about whom you are responsible for.”

Finally, for those who have committed zina, know that Allāh is the most Forgiving. He said in Surat Alnisaa (Surat number 4 verse 48):

Verily, Allāh forgives not that partners should be set up with him in worship, but He forgives except that (anything else) to whom He pleases, and whoever sets up partners with Allāh in worship, he has indeed invented a tremendous sin.

I am not a marriage counselor, nor am I a psychologist. I am just a frustrated Muslim man who is pained to see these issues around me in my community. These are definitely not all the things you can do to protect yourself, spouse, son, or daughter from falling into the haram. Consult with your local shaykh, psychologist, marriage counselor, or any other professional if you need help.

Finally, remember that Allāh is watching you. You will not be asked about what others did; you will only be held accountable for what you have done.