I thank you for this clarification because I had so much trouble explaining to other Muslim sisters about avoiding others. I know another sister whom hangs out with a non-Muslim girl. The non-Muslim girl was very nice at first but she became obsessed and *stalkative* (not joking) Because this sister and this non-Muslim girl backbite each other and the sister backbites another sister to tell this non-Muslim girl, I was told many things about both sisters by the non-Muslim girl, that I did not want to know about.

And being so, I find it difficult to tell this sister not to hang out with this very obsessed non-Muslim girl because she was a bad influence on her, and I fear this sister will tell the non-Muslim girl that I said bad things about her and tried to convince her that “she is a bad influence.”

I also went to a sister’s house which felt welcoming until I found out how unsanitary her home was. She has very dirty carpets, and uses the same sponge for the dishes AND cleaning the bottom of the fridge. She also had bed bugs. But i did not know how to warn others not to visit this home because I feared I would backbite.

But I will not lie, I feel that backbiting is the easiest thing to avoid. However, I get mad sometimes on how some sisters hurt other peoples’ feelings and argue but do not apologize when they are wrong, and let the other party bear the sorrow and anger. being so, it makes loving people for the sake of Allah very difficult sometimes.

But because I rather not backbite, I rather be honest with most people and just tell them to their face if they hurt me. I do not go up to people and say “You’re ugly and I do not like you.” That is unreasonable. But I would approach them and tell them what they did to me that made me upset, and it is their choice whether they feel they are wrong or not.

Instead of backbiting, I would just avoid most sisters that bother me. Give your salaams outside and be respectful, but if you do not like the person for a LEGITIMATE reason, then do not talk to them or stick too close. I have tried being nice to a sister numerous times, all she does is stare and do not give salaams back, and she tends to argue with me when we barely know each other.

Are you sure the reference to Abu Jahm refers to beating his wives? I read another narrative which stated:

““As for Mu`awiyah, he is a poor person and has no wealth (to support you), and as for Abu Jahm, he is a perpetual traveler; so marry Usamah instead!”

I can’t find the source and it wasn’t given where I read it but wanted to make sure this isn’t in fact the same narration and not putting down his stick may imply Abu Jahm travels non stop.

Hopepfully someone more knowledgable can clarify.

Another question I had was in terms of its permisablity, is a person obligated to or even allowed to voluntarily divulge details of a perspective spouses family members? Do we have any authentic narrations regarding this? i.e. don’t marry so and so, his father is a liar or don’t marry so and so, her father is a drunk.

Any help here is appreciated.

Thanks for your replies. There is a narrow line between backbiting and stating somebody’s bad characteristics. But the like is not invisible :)
I will definitely be more careful when speaking about others. The article has helped me strengthen my resolve.

JazakAllah and keep up the good work!

So from this we see that yes we can tell people who ask about someone in regards to marriage about their character. But look at how the Prophet sal Allahu ‘alayhi wa sallam responded. He didn’t go on a long historical narrative of all the deficiencies of the person and exploit every detail. He simply said Mu’awiyah is poor (meaning he won’t be able to provide for you) and Abu Jaham doesn’t put down his stick (meaning he beats his wives). Even though this is an “exception”, look at how the Prophet still was careful about sticking to the general rule of backbiting, sal Allahu ‘alayhi wa sallam.

Similarly, if we find ourselves warning someone about a prospective in marriage, we just say what needs to be said and don’t get into the details. Like you said, just the facts, not opinions. And Allah knows best.

If a girl is getting married in an arranged set up and I for example know that the guy/groom is not a good person and will make her life miserable. Lets say I know this cuz the guy works in my company. Would warning the innocent victim about the groom be backbiting? Arent I saving a muslim from a miserable life?

Also I think stating FACTS is ok but if you season them with ur OPINIONS then thats back biting. Stating facts is like reading news…….. like wht the news channels do. they r not backbiting… innit?