It was a question I had – not because of someone’s suggestion. Jazakallahu Khayran.

Wassalam

All the best inshaAllah.

>>jazakallah khair for your reply “Concerned”. Amazing how much a stranger can sense and feel the anguish and pain through a few words and hit the nail on the head about manipulation. I having been trying for a long time to help a loved one who is a victim of molestation. If anyone had pre-warnde me that I would be dealing with the situations I am having to deal with I would have thought “no way”.. but when it is someone you love Allah naturally places more rahmah than you can imagine into your heart and make you so strong and capable and guides you into doing the right thing and being the best you can. Though I am in an awful situation I can honestly still see it as a blessing..this tough situation is making it very easy for me to develop patience and closeness to my creator, however I am a mere mortal. When you try so sincerely and so hard and strive to protect someone you love for them to deceive you or attack you over and over again, when you are the one giving up on your life just to get them to some level of normality and in return they say all the right words and follow it with more of the wrong and harmful deeds…it is upsetting, but your duas and kind words did help, so thank you and may Allah reward you greatly ameen.<<

I having been trying for a long time to help a loved one who is a victim of molestation.

MashaAllah may Allah reward you and make you strong. I think sometimes (and I maybe wrong or generalising here!) we want to help people and feel we can and do, however, there maybe a point where we realise ‘my’ help isn’t enough or my help isn’t benefitting. It’s tough supporting someone who has been through abuse and don’t feel afraid to admit to yourself or to them that you can’t do no more to help them. Refer them on or ask them to seek professional help just as you would with a physical illness. Are we all capable of curing physical ailments?? we refer to the expert.

‘Though I am in an awful situation I can honestly still see it as a blessing..this tough situation is making it very easy for me to develop patience and closeness to my creator, however I am a mere mortal.’

Alhamdulillah you feel you have benefited and developed patience – just take care of you too and make sure you don’t burn out inshaAllah! As you yourself said you are a ‘mere mortal’ not superhuman… keep that in mind inshaAllah.

‘When you try so sincerely and so hard and strive to protect someone you love for them to deceive you or attack you over and over again, when you are the one giving up on your life just to get them to some level of normality and in return they say all the right words and follow it with more of the wrong and harmful deeds…’

May Allah help you and them and make this affair easy. Ameen. I’m not sure how old the person you are dealing with is. However, I am going to assume they are adult… I can see you really care for this individual from your post mashaAllah and you seem to be putting yourself out to help them. Just keep in mind with any individual we are trying to help… we can only help them if they help themselves.. i.e. they must want to ‘change’ and must have some motivation to better their situation. Otherwise it’s a losing battle and I’m not sure they will benefit. Even in therapy, medication etc people have to play their part and want it. Take the medication etc otherwise there’s nothing more the dr can do – he can’t force the person! I hope you see my point inshaAllah. You cannot force this person to change or take up all you are doing, their needs to be some intrinsic motivation on their part also inshaAllah. Please don’t cause yourself harm in the process. I know this may sound over the top but it already seems like you are very frustrated and upset no doubt it is also affecting you. Keep things in perspective inshaAllah. Oh and don’t forget we don’t always need to tip toe around people and be overly gentle and nice sometimes we need a good old shaking and reminder of home truths – without the sugar coating! InshaAllah you know the situation better. Aplogies if anything I’ve said causes offence or if I’ve simply stated things you already know! Regardless, I hope it is of some use to you inshaAllah.

In the end Allah knows best. Praying things work out for your loved one and Allah shows them the light. Ameen.

jazakallah khair for your reply “Concerned”. Amazing how much a stranger can sense and feel the anguish and pain through a few words and hit the nail on the head about manipulation. I having been trying for a long time to help a loved one who is a victim of molestation. If anyone had pre-warnde me that I would be dealing with the situations I am having to deal with I would have thought “no way”.. but when it is someone you love Allah naturally places more rahmah than you can imagine into your heart and make you so strong and capable and guides you into doing the right thing and being the best you can. Though I am in an awful situation I can honestly still see it as a blessing..this tough situation is making it very easy for me to develop patience and closeness to my creator, however I am a mere mortal. When you try so sincerely and so hard and strive to protect someone you love for them to deceive you or attack you over and over again, when you are the one giving up on your life just to get them to some level of normality and in return they say all the right words and follow it with more of the wrong and harmful deeds…it is upsetting, but your duas and kind words did help, so thank you and may Allah reward you greatly ameen.

Firstly, let me begin by saying may Allah make your affairs easy and rectify them. May he unite you and your loved one’s upon righteousness, granting you good in both lives! Ameen.

‘I am really sorry I have made you feel the need to justify your points stressing on mercy and compassion.’

Please don’t apologise! You didn’t make me do anything least of all justify my points. I wanted to explain what I had said as I know sometimes these things can be misconstrued and as you rightly pointed out everything gets explained away mercy and compassion. We however, cannot judge a person’s intent we simply judge them by their action, thus we don’t know if they are genuinely remorseful or simply using it to get away – but we leave that to Allah.

‘I think my earlier comment came from frustration of having dished out mercy and compassion incessantly but willingly for what seems like forever only to get my fingers burnt again and again’

I hear you and can sense the pain (?) and anguish in your words. When you try to do good and have it thrown back at you it surely does cause upset, however, rejoice in the knowledge that inshaAllah you will get the reward for the good you do regardless of wether others appreciate it or not! we know this from the Qur’an and Hadith you are rewarded for your good.

‘…sometimes people latch on to the justification for their wrong deeds and couple it with the knowledge that ” Allah is most Merciful He will forgive me and the people Im hurtin through my weakness will forgive me because they love me and they know why I am weak”… ‘

Point taken and I understand what you are saying inshaAllah however refer to above comments. As I said Allah is the judge of the hearts. What you describe sounds like manipulation! Which is disgusting subhanAllah – delusional and so sure of attaining forgiveness? In fact even making excuses! You are right we can only try to advise and steer our loved one’s away from these things – we can’t make them or force them. It reminds of something I’ve noticed a lot… when things go wrong for some reason people attribute it to Allah – it was ‘meant’ to be – Qadar etc etc. BUT when things are all rosy it’s not attributed to Allah with the same eagerness… I think the first instance of attributing to Allah is basically excusing yourself from blame and Allah knows best!

However, what I was referring to in my post was not people generally but specifically to victims of child abuse and the problems, issues, barriers they encounter.

I hope the above inshaAllah, is of some use and reassurance to you za-za. In the end I pray Allah removes your difficulties and replaces them with sweet relief. May Allah give us the ability to remain upon good.Ameen.

Life indeed is a test – a test of one’s stamina, a test of endurance, a test of imaan. It is indeed these tests which testify for our Imaan or vice versa. Test either make or break a person and as you said make or break our relationship with the Creator. May Allah protect us.

However, in the case of the people we are talking about – victims of molestation. Often their self perception is so distorted they feel they are not worthy of anything and deserve punishment – I guess whispers from shaytan don’t help and he must rejoice in taking these people further from Allah. So, these people view their life, their experiences as a punishment for their sins and badness and Allah knows best. I am not claiming this is always the case.

For these reasons I mentioned compassion and mercy, reminders of hope and returning to Allah as opposed to the wrath and wrongness of their doing. I hope that makes sense inshaAllah.

The sunnah of the Messenger is full of wisdom and insight we need to take from this – for example the case (paraphrased) of the person who came to the prophet saying they had committed zina…what did the Prophet do?? He turned his face away, the person kept telling him… What would we do if someone came and disclosed that??

the case of the man who urinated in the masjid – what did the people do? what did the Prophet do?

Is there ever a point for a Muslim no matter how bad to lose hope or to be made to feel there is no turning back??

I think sometimes in our zeal we can lose sight and become overly harsh or critical – we need to remember the example of the messenger.

Allah knows best.

Anything correct from Allah errors from myself.