Sex & the Ummah: Struggle of the Victims of Child Molestation. Part II- A/B

Part I | Part II- A/B | Part II- C/D | Part III | Part IV-A | Part IV-B | Part V

A PDF version will be available on conclusion for printing/distribution

Parental Discretion Advised
If you are a parent of children who read posts on MM, then this is one that you should read yourself first, before allowing them to read it, so that you can judge the benefit/harm. One benefit is that if there is any child, who has gone through such a situation, it may open a channel for him/her to discuss it with you.

General Reader Discretion Advised
Reader discretion is advised as some content is graphic, but I felt NECESSARY to include, in order to fully understand and appreciate the grave situation.

A Note on Comments:
If comments are related to future topics, I will likely hold them back (i.e. moderate them) until we get to those topics. So, please don't worry if you see your comments missing. And also unrelated comments could be removed.

The following links, when available, will open up separate posts:

I. Molesters

• A. Who are the Molesters?
• B. How and When the Molesters Attack?

II. Victims and Their Struggles

• A. Approaching Their Families (This Post)
• B. Emotional & Psychological Damages (This Post)
• C. Personality Damages
• D. Intimacy & Marital Relationship:

III. Prevention & Advice for the Victims' Families

• A. Prevention
• B. Some Signs of Molestation
• C. Role of Victim's Parents
• D. Rape

IV. Healing is Possible: Advice for the Victims

• Part-A
• Part-B

V. Advice for the Molesters

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Part II A/B

II. VICTIMS AND THEIR STRUGGLES:

I am not even going to try to express a victim’s feelings in my own words.  Only a victim can truly describe the emotions she experiences when her whole world shatters by someone who shares her own blood.

These molesters not only physically harm these girls, but in most cases cause severe emotional distress. Furthermore, to a large extent, what makes the damage more lasting is the reaction of the family. When some of these victims manage to put their fear and guilt aside, and gather up the courage to approach their families, most of the time (in ALL the cases I dealt with), the families have the most ridiculous and devastating reactions.

A. Approaching the Family:

It is not easy for the victim to approach her family because in most of the cases the victim does not have a close and open relationship with her parents. The molester, as I stated before, shrewdly observes this. For this reason, in the majority of the cases, the victim never confides in her family about the abuse. Moreover, the victim is manipulated and threatened by her molester so as to prevent possibilities of her seeking help.

1. Mother’s Reaction:
However, when some try to approach their families (in most cases the mother) their mothers either:

a)    deny and blame them of imagining dirty things
b)    accuse them of seducing the molester
c)    force them to “hush up”

Huda, a high school student, told me that she was being molested by her uncle, and her mother would not let her avoid meeting him. So, I decided to talk to Huda's mother myself. Initially she refused to even admit that the abuse was taking place.  After I insisted that she was in denial and had to believe her own daughter, she finally broke down and admitted that she had no option but to ignore her daughter’s pleas.  It took her another few minutes to admit that she could not put her family’s honor at stake by confronting her own elder brother who was a fatherly figure in the family.

Some mothers tell their daughters that they must be “imagining” what they are describing. I pose the following question to these mothers: Did you ever bother to actually listen to what your daughter was saying? Did you ever allow your daughter to describe the details of her so-called “imagination”? Do you honestly believe that a 4-10 year old mind could actually imagine and create such details of sexual activities?

Worse yet, some mothers tell their daughters that they must have done something to seduce the male relative! I pity these mothers for turning their backs on the child they carried and nurtured in their own wombs. Did all of the protection they offered their children end when they gave birth?

2. Why mothers fail to act like mothers:

In my humble opinion:

a)    Mothers do not feel empowered enough to fight for their daughters’ rights.  It is easier for their weak personalities to stay in denial than to confront.
b)    In many cases, hushing up about the situation is not only to protect the family honor, but to also protect the daughter’s future. If others were to find out about the molestation and/or especially the rape, then the chances of that girl finding a good suitor for marriage in the future would become increasingly difficult.
c)    The mothers who accuse their own daughters of seducing their molesters either do so to avoid the complicated situation of putting the blame on the right person (which I believe to be quite selfish) or possibly these mothers were victims themselves in their childhood.

Perhaps (a) is more common among those mothers who have suffered an abusive relationship themselves, and have lost the ability to stand against injustice. But in the cases that I dealt with, some of the victims’ mothers were/are not in an abusive relationship, at least not apparently. Then why did they fail to help their daughters? Perhaps, that is where (b) or (c) may be applied.

And my reasons for concluding an abusive past for mothers (c) is because many victims continue to blame themselves for the abuse even later in their lives. Many victims who make confessions at later stages, while acknowledging it was not their fault, still have a part of them believing that they themselves were to blame. In such cases, when a belief becomes so strong, it is only natural that when they discover someone else in a similar situation, their first instinct is to blame the victims. Since these mothers could not stop blaming themselves, then it is quite possible that they would tend to put the same blame upon their daughters, wAllahu ta’ala ‘alam.

In any case, whatever the excuse may be for not fulfilling the obligations as a protector, the heedlessness only adds to the trauma of the suffering girls. If only parents, especially mothers, would learn to act like a parent should, they could prevent the many psychological and personality damages that develop in a victim of molestation.

B. Emotional & Psychological Damages:

Below are some of the psychological effects that I have observed, read on different sites, and discussed with another Muslim doctor who herself was once victimized as a child, but was able to later recover and thus now offers professional help to many.

1. Fear & Guilt:
Although initially the victim is shocked and extremely fearful of the situation, it doesn’t take long for her to start blaming herself for her tragedy.

All these sisters recalled their molesters— uncles, grandfathers, cousins or even brothers— accused them of arousing them or being the cause for their action. Simple sentences like, ‘You know it is your fault that I had to do this,’ or, ‘If it wasn’t because of you I would have never done that,’ or, ‘Look what you made me do,’ have a powerful impact on a young girl's mind. For adult readers, it may not make any sense, but when such statements are constantly repeated with such certainty to a puzzled, scared, impressionable mind, it has severe and everlasting repercussions.

Jasmine recalled that her uncle, who started sexually molesting her when she was 4 and ended up raping her when she was 7,  would warn her that if she ever told anyone of the abuse then people would think of her as a “dirty” girl and would hate her. He made her believe that whatever had happened between them was her fault that he had never wanted to do those acts, but that she had brought it upon herself. It has been years since the abuse but a part of her still believes that it was her fault and not his. This guilt haunts Jasmine, like all the other victims, and will continue to haunt her (unless Allah Wills otherwise).

2. Losing Trust:
Since, in most cases, the molesters were close relatives/acquaintances of these sisters, the victims failed to differentiate between friends and foes.

Little children love and want to be loved, especially little girls. They cannot differentiate, at such an early age, between physical love and physical abuse. On top of that they trust their close relatives; and these relatives—turned-monsters take advantage of their trust and their natural love for blood relatives.

Jasmine also recalled that her uncle initially trying to find excuses to help her change her clothes or to assist her in taking showers. His hugs and kisses were very unusual, but he always assured her that he loved her so much and that she was such a special niece that he gave her “special” kisses. When he first forced her to “engage orally” on his private part, he told her that this was a special niece-uncle secret and he didn’t want her to share their secret with anyone else.

How can a four year old tell the difference between love and abuse? To what extent can a four year old, who was never told by her parents about her private parts or others’ private areas, judge the wrongness of the situation? Some would suggest natural instincts. But how strong can the natural instincts be for a FOUR year old?

How tormenting must it be for the little minds to lose trust in those whom they should be allowed to trust? How agonizing must it be for them to see the evil behind the veil of a sacred and loving relation at such a young age, iyaadhobillah?

Their trust is further damaged when they approach their parents only to be slapped with rejection. They see their parents continue their normal routines, continue to keep their normal relations with the evil molester, and they only see their own selves getting hurt. Consequently, they lose the ability to trust, even and especially their own family. They lose the ability to bond with anyone after that. Suspicion, mistrust, doubt and uncertainty become a part of their personality. (And perhaps that’s why I believe that when they become mothers, most of them, will not be able to bond with their own daughters either, wAllahu ta’ala ‘alam)

3. Worthlessness, Low Self Esteem & Thoughts of Suicide:
Some of these victims acknowledge that they are involuntarily being wronged, and the fact that they cannot get themselves out of the situation causes them to develop a low self esteem. In addition, many victims feel guilty because the molesters continue to blame their evil acts upon the victims.  This results in feelings of worthlessness.  Top that off with the inability to seek out help through family, or rejection when they do seek help.  This hopelessness is the perfect formula for thoughts of suicide. And that is why many of them become suicidal, attempting to kill themselves and also developing a self-destructive behavior.

May Allah give everyone tawfeeq to help the oppressed especially when they have the authority to do so.

4. Anger towards the Molester & Family:
At times these victims have an internal struggle within themselves to overcome their guilt, because deep down they know they are the victims. Although they abhor their molesters, their families’ total indifference and rejection causes them to develop an aversion towards the families, in most cases the mothers.  This hatred towards the mother often times becomes stronger than the anger towards the molester himself.

Some of these sisters that I dealt with felt such resentment towards their mothers that they failed to be dutiful daughters. I was often amazed at the audacity of these indifferent mothers who dared to complain about their daughters’ hypocrisy towards religion (because the daughters were often disrespectful and impolite). I am not going to justify disrespectful behavior towards a mother, however, it must be acknowledged that the disrespect is not voluntary, but rather is a consequence of the broken trust and insecurity suffered by these victims due to their mothers’ negligence.

Unfortunately, most of the time these mothers do not even acknowledge their negligence, but rather become defensive when confronted. They justify their negligence by claiming that their “hush hush” attitude was for the benefit of their daughter’s reputation in order to secure a good future spouse. Little do they know that the damage caused by their silence would only destroy the happily-ever-after marriage they so eagerly sought for their daughters.

To be continued…

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