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iTunes ChannelSex & the Ummah: Struggle of the Victims of Child Molestation. Part II- A/B
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Part I | Part II- A/B | Part II- C/D | Part III | Part IV-A | Part IV-B | Part V
A PDF version will be available on conclusion for printing/distribution
Parental Discretion Advised
If you are a parent of children who read posts on MM, then this is one that you should read yourself first, before allowing them to read it, so that you can judge the benefit/harm. One benefit is that if there is any child, who has gone through such a situation, it may open a channel for him/her to discuss it with you.
General Reader Discretion Advised
Reader discretion is advised as some content is graphic, but I felt NECESSARY to include, in order to fully understand and appreciate the grave situation.
A Note on Comments:
If comments are related to future topics, I will likely hold them back (i.e. moderate them) until we get to those topics. So, please don’t worry if you see your comments missing. And also unrelated comments could be removed.
The following links, when available, will open up separate posts:
I. Molesters
II. Victims and Their Struggles
- A. Approaching Their Families (This Post)
- B. Emotional & Psychological Damages (This Post)
- C. Personality Damages
- D. Intimacy & Marital Relationship:
III. Prevention & Advice for the Victims’ Families
IV. Healing is Possible: Advice for the Victims
- Part-A
- Part-B
V. Advice for the Molesters
——————————–
Part II A/B
II. VICTIMS AND THEIR STRUGGLES:
I am not even going to try to express a victim’s feelings in my own words. Only a victim can truly describe the emotions she experiences when her whole world shatters by someone who shares her own blood.
These molesters not only physically harm these girls, but in most cases cause severe emotional distress. Furthermore, to a large extent, what makes the damage more lasting is the reaction of the family. When some of these victims manage to put their fear and guilt aside, and gather up the courage to approach their families, most of the time (in ALL the cases I dealt with), the families have the most ridiculous and devastating reactions.
A. Approaching the Family:
It is not easy for the victim to approach her family because in most of the cases the victim does not have a close and open relationship with her parents. The molester, as I stated before, shrewdly observes this. For this reason, in the majority of the cases, the victim never confides in her family about the abuse. Moreover, the victim is manipulated and threatened by her molester so as to prevent possibilities of her seeking help.
1. Mother’s Reaction:
However, when some try to approach their families (in most cases the mother) their mothers either:
a) deny and blame them of imagining dirty things
b) accuse them of seducing the molester
c) force them to “hush up”
Huda, a high school student, told me that she was being molested by her uncle, and her mother would not let her avoid meeting him. So, I decided to talk to Huda’s mother myself. Initially she refused to even admit that the abuse was taking place. After I insisted that she was in denial and had to believe her own daughter, she finally broke down and admitted that she had no option but to ignore her daughter’s pleas. It took her another few minutes to admit that she could not put her family’s honor at stake by confronting her own elder brother who was a fatherly figure in the family.
Some mothers tell their daughters that they must be “imagining” what they are describing. I pose the following question to these mothers: Did you ever bother to actually listen to what your daughter was saying? Did you ever allow your daughter to describe the details of her so-called “imagination”? Do you honestly believe that a 4-10 year old mind could actually imagine and create such details of sexual activities?
Worse yet, some mothers tell their daughters that they must have done something to seduce the male relative! I pity these mothers for turning their backs on the child they carried and nurtured in their own wombs. Did all of the protection they offered their children end when they gave birth?
2. Why mothers fail to act like mothers:
In my humble opinion:
a) Mothers do not feel empowered enough to fight for their daughters’ rights. It is easier for their weak personalities to stay in denial than to confront.
b) In many cases, hushing up about the situation is not only to protect the family honor, but to also protect the daughter’s future. If others were to find out about the molestation and/or especially the rape, then the chances of that girl finding a good suitor for marriage in the future would become increasingly difficult.
c) The mothers who accuse their own daughters of seducing their molesters either do so to avoid the complicated situation of putting the blame on the right person (which I believe to be quite selfish) or possibly these mothers were victims themselves in their childhood.
Perhaps (a) is more common among those mothers who have suffered an abusive relationship themselves, and have lost the ability to stand against injustice. But in the cases that I dealt with, some of the victims’ mothers were/are not in an abusive relationship, at least not apparently. Then why did they fail to help their daughters? Perhaps, that is where (b) or (c) may be applied.
And my reasons for concluding an abusive past for mothers (c) is because many victims continue to blame themselves for the abuse even later in their lives. Many victims who make confessions at later stages, while acknowledging it was not their fault, still have a part of them believing that they themselves were to blame. In such cases, when a belief becomes so strong, it is only natural that when they discover someone else in a similar situation, their first instinct is to blame the victims. Since these mothers could not stop blaming themselves, then it is quite possible that they would tend to put the same blame upon their daughters, wAllahu ta’ala ‘alam.
In any case, whatever the excuse may be for not fulfilling the obligations as a protector, the heedlessness only adds to the trauma of the suffering girls. If only parents, especially mothers, would learn to act like a parent should, they could prevent the many psychological and personality damages that develop in a victim of molestation.
B. Emotional & Psychological Damages:
Below are some of the psychological effects that I have observed, read on different sites, and discussed with another Muslim doctor who herself was once victimized as a child, but was able to later recover and thus now offers professional help to many.
1. Fear & Guilt:
Although initially the victim is shocked and extremely fearful of the situation, it doesn’t take long for her to start blaming herself for her tragedy.
All these sisters recalled their molesters— uncles, grandfathers, cousins or even brothers— accused them of arousing them or being the cause for their action. Simple sentences like, ‘You know it is your fault that I had to do this,’ or, ‘If it wasn’t because of you I would have never done that,’ or, ‘Look what you made me do,’ have a powerful impact on a young girl’s mind. For adult readers, it may not make any sense, but when such statements are constantly repeated with such certainty to a puzzled, scared, impressionable mind, it has severe and everlasting repercussions.
Jasmine recalled that her uncle, who started sexually molesting her when she was 4 and ended up raping her when she was 7, would warn her that if she ever told anyone of the abuse then people would think of her as a “dirty” girl and would hate her. He made her believe that whatever had happened between them was her fault that he had never wanted to do those acts, but that she had brought it upon herself. It has been years since the abuse but a part of her still believes that it was her fault and not his. This guilt haunts Jasmine, like all the other victims, and will continue to haunt her (unless Allah Wills otherwise).
2. Losing Trust:
Since, in most cases, the molesters were close relatives/acquaintances of these sisters, the victims failed to differentiate between friends and foes.
Little children love and want to be loved, especially little girls. They cannot differentiate, at such an early age, between physical love and physical abuse. On top of that they trust their close relatives; and these relatives—turned-monsters take advantage of their trust and their natural love for blood relatives.
Jasmine also recalled that her uncle initially trying to find excuses to help her change her clothes or to assist her in taking showers. His hugs and kisses were very unusual, but he always assured her that he loved her so much and that she was such a special niece that he gave her “special” kisses. When he first forced her to “engage orally” on his private part, he told her that this was a special niece-uncle secret and he didn’t want her to share their secret with anyone else.
How can a four year old tell the difference between love and abuse? To what extent can a four year old, who was never told by her parents about her private parts or others’ private areas, judge the wrongness of the situation? Some would suggest natural instincts. But how strong can the natural instincts be for a FOUR year old?
How tormenting must it be for the little minds to lose trust in those whom they should be allowed to trust? How agonizing must it be for them to see the evil behind the veil of a sacred and loving relation at such a young age, iyaadhobillah?
Their trust is further damaged when they approach their parents only to be slapped with rejection. They see their parents continue their normal routines, continue to keep their normal relations with the evil molester, and they only see their own selves getting hurt. Consequently, they lose the ability to trust, even and especially their own family. They lose the ability to bond with anyone after that. Suspicion, mistrust, doubt and uncertainty become a part of their personality. (And perhaps that’s why I believe that when they become mothers, most of them, will not be able to bond with their own daughters either, wAllahu ta’ala ‘alam)
3. Worthlessness, Low Self Esteem & Thoughts of Suicide:
Some of these victims acknowledge that they are involuntarily being wronged, and the fact that they cannot get themselves out of the situation causes them to develop a low self esteem. In addition, many victims feel guilty because the molesters continue to blame their evil acts upon the victims. This results in feelings of worthlessness. Top that off with the inability to seek out help through family, or rejection when they do seek help. This hopelessness is the perfect formula for thoughts of suicide. And that is why many of them become suicidal, attempting to kill themselves and also developing a self-destructive behavior.
May Allah give everyone tawfeeq to help the oppressed especially when they have the authority to do so.
4. Anger towards the Molester & Family:
At times these victims have an internal struggle within themselves to overcome their guilt, because deep down they know they are the victims. Although they abhor their molesters, their families’ total indifference and rejection causes them to develop an aversion towards the families, in most cases the mothers. This hatred towards the mother often times becomes stronger than the anger towards the molester himself.
Some of these sisters that I dealt with felt such resentment towards their mothers that they failed to be dutiful daughters. I was often amazed at the audacity of these indifferent mothers who dared to complain about their daughters’ hypocrisy towards religion (because the daughters were often disrespectful and impolite). I am not going to justify disrespectful behavior towards a mother, however, it must be acknowledged that the disrespect is not voluntary, but rather is a consequence of the broken trust and insecurity suffered by these victims due to their mothers’ negligence.
Unfortunately, most of the time these mothers do not even acknowledge their negligence, but rather become defensive when confronted. They justify their negligence by claiming that their “hush hush” attitude was for the benefit of their daughter’s reputation in order to secure a good future spouse. Little do they know that the damage caused by their silence would only destroy the happily-ever-after marriage they so eagerly sought for their daughters.
To be continued…
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© MuslimMatters.org by Umm Reem on February 17th, 2009. All rights reserved. Please see legal & other disclaimers here.
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As I am reading this series, I am understanding more how important it is to address this issue. May Allah bless the sister for coming up with this.
Wow, this is horrible. It’s like these men have jinns in their pants or something…
Questions:
1- At the end of these series of posts, can Muslim Matters publish a PDF or something similar for distribution? Perhaps in a booklet format and mail them out to masajids? Or maybe distribute via AlMaghrib Qabeelahs?
2- I was thinking that if a person went to the elders of the family, the grandfather and grandmothers, since they have the biggest influence and get them on your side. But what if the person you go for help or support…has also abused and molested people?
3- How can one identify that a person is a) been abused or molested or b) was them self someone who molested or abused others?
4- Do you think child molestation, has something to do with the fact that males usually prefer younger women as wives? Or is that a stretch?
As Salaamu Alaikum
This is an important discussion, but why are we only talking about girls? It is widely known that boy rape is a major epidemic in parts of the Muslim world. This is one of the those issues where people will live in denial and point fingers at the West for its open immorality, but certainly Allah knows what’s going on. I can’t imagine that our state of humiliation will be lifted until this kind of thing is addressed.
I believe Umm Reem has already mentioned that the focus of her research was female molestation. I don’t know how many or how significant the differences are between male and female child molestation, but I think it is okay to focus on one subject at a time. I hope someone will pick up the other subject, so if there are volunteers, please contact us.
Assalamu alaikum
Regarding the idea of hushing up the abusee for fear of her not attracting the best marriage proposals – I first came across this phenomenon when reading about the victims of the Gujarat pogrom – apparently there are countless rapes that have gone unreported because the girls’ families do not want the girl to live with the stigma of rape, for fear of her not getting the choicest proposals. How messed up is our society when virginity is more saught after than chastity?
This goes further towards the ‘unempowerment’ of women – one can only imagine that these girls who didn’t have the perpetrators of the crimes committed against them brought to justice , would be the last people to stand up against injustice when the crimes are committed against their own children.
It’s a monster that feeds off itself.
Also, does one necessarily have to go through acts of abuse to have lost a sense of empowerment? In many families “back home”, the girl has burdened her family by the very act of being born, not to mention the enormous dowry that her family will have to come up with to have her married. After marriage, she is not allowed to forget the “free” food and lodging she is given by her husband’s family. Suffice to say, this is not the environment that is conducive to the empowerment of an individual. A person who is allowed to have so little self worth is the last person who will allow herself to have her voice heard – even if it is to stand up against her child’s abuser.
For women who grew up in families that didn’t begrudge them their gender, this seems worlds apart but that is how it is.
SubhanAllah
Much more boys are sexually abused and molested as children in comparison to girls. The numbers change among preteens and teens, it’s generally more girls than boys in that age group that are sexually abused.
^very true
Bear in mind that the brothers who might abuse their blood-sisters may not even be older than the girls. and this can start at a very young age (11 or 12).
This is very unfortunate but true.
We need to go one step backwards to tackle this mentality. Everyone here is talking about better awareness, open-mindedness, innocence, rights, justice, ….
But how many of these brothers who commented on these posts would honestly agree (or even consider) marrying a sister who was molested or raped?
The sad answer to this question will shed light on why we continue to go in circles when trying to reform our social evils.
I agree the part of the problem is acceptance of a victim of rape by society and Muslim men. I see in USA a whole lot of Muslim men would marry a White women to stay in USA irrespective of how many men she has slept with.
Regarding the issue of marrying a girl who has been molested, a variety of social factors must be considered.
For example, the girl could be suffering from a whole list of mental problems and depression. She may have trouble being physically intimate with her husband which could truly damage a marriage.
I think that if the girl has gone through proper counseling and can get on with her life despite her difficulties, then brothers should NOT hesitate in considering such a person if she is righteous. However, if she is still struggling, then marriage would not only further harm her, but it would also harm her prospective husband and their marriage.
I am not a scholar nor have I done any research on this subject so I could definitely be wrong. I hope that a social worker, imam, or counselor could further comment on how abuse victims should proceed with marriage given each individual circumstance.
A couple of notes (as we have been getting some requests on this):
1) Inshallah we will have a PDF version of the entire series (in one document) on conclusion. You can use that for print/distribution. If you would like to email or use the article in any other way, please consult the “Modus Operandi” on the left for more information.
2) We are also trying to see if we can get this translated into Urdu, French and other languages. If you are proficient in any foreign language and English, and would like to take up this task seriously and within a timely manner (7-10 days), then please contact us at info at muslimmatters //dot org
If you have any other ideas for wider distribution, esp. to “uncles and aunties” who may not blog that much, then let us know. You can of course cross-post this, share it on facebook, and use other means too inshallah. Again, just check the FAQ on formalities.
If girls as young as 4 can be molested, when do we start educating them on sexual matters? Do we make them aware of their private parts, or is that going to open another can of worms? Ofcourse we do instill hayaa in them where they are not allowed to uncover below their navel infront of anyone other than the parents, but you can’t always be around them can you? When they are away at Kindergarten, School etc they will need to do it on their own and most mainstream (non-islamic) kindergartens and pre-schools have open shared toilets. Nowdays people’s minds are so perverted we can’t even trust people of the same gender due to homosexuality. I’ve heard of cases where female teachers molest their female students. SubhanAllah you can never be safe anywhere other than in your homes and even then who knows you might have relatives who are sick in their head.
Jazaaki Allahu khayran Umm Reem. I’m disappointed to say that this is VERY new to me, the fact that molestation is so rampant amongst Muslims. As a social work student, I learn about molestation/rape and victims on a regular basis, but maybe it was my wishful thinking that kept me from realizing that something such as this does occur in Muslim households. I guess I never connected the dots. What’s more frightening is that this occurs in Qur’an schools?! la hawla wa la quwwata ila billah. I’ve never heard or seen of this in my culture, so maybe that’s why this is new to me.
I’ve learned a lot from what has been posted, Jazaakum Allahu khayran to anyone from MM who worked on facilitating this, may Allah azza wa jal reward you and may He remove these ills from us and our communities. Ameen.
I understand that male molestation is also a problem in Muslim world but let us not conflate the two issues. I am talking about female molestation because the problems that occur in their lives, because of molestation, are different (read Misfit Muslimah’s comment, a prefect reflection). Females are different from males, they react differently. Although, there maybe similarities in both situations, female molestation needs to be addressed separately.
Dawud Israel:
2. the problem with going to an elder family member, and let us give them benefit of doubt that they were pure from this evil themselves, is that it becomes a matter of family prestige and honor for them…they will not risk their family honor but will the little child’s future. I am sure that they are totally unaware of the effects and damages that are caused by their silence and the molestation itself. And that is why we need to educate Muslims more.
3.I will be putting some signs and symptoms of the abused in conclusion inshaAllah.
4. Quite possible…men always have an attraction towards anything different or younger…it is worth reflecting over the hadeeth of the Prophet sallallahu alihi wasalm in which he, sallallahu alihi waslam, said that he was not leaving behind any test/temptation more harmful for men then women…
B & Roberta:
statistics shows otherwise, both in east and west there are more female victims then males.
Muslima and Learning Arabic:
these issues are discussed in Intimacy and Marital Life
Not saying:
when i advice mothers, i tell them start education your child about their body parts and private parts form age 4 ESPECIALLY if they go to a public school or even Islamic school…and mothers need to keep a close eye on their children…not in a strict way but in a very friendly way so the children have no problem approaching them.
InshaAllah in near future, I will post my notes from my halaqah that i gave in my community to mothers on “sex-ed for children”. It should help bi idhnihi ta’ala.
Amatullah:
wa ajmaeen…a social work student…mashaAllah you can be a great asset for the ummah…
So many thoughts rush through my head when I think read, re-read and re-read this article…
Firstly, the comment: In many families back home, the girl has burdened her family by the very act of being born, not to mention the enormous dowry that her family will have to come up with to have her married. After marriage, she is not allowed to forget the free food and lodging she is given by her husbands family. Suffice to say, this is not the environment that is conducive to the empowerment of an individual. A person who is allowed to have so little self worth is the last person who will allow herself to have her voice heard – even if it is to stand up against her childs abuser.
I have lived in Pakistan for a few years and can definitly agree with Misfit Muslimah’s comment. “Back home” most women are treated like the dirt under her husband’s shoes. Even in a comparatively rich family (esp in a rich family), women are taught to uphold the “respect” of their homes (i.e. not do anything that might embarrass the family), look after the children (i.e. look after their school work, hire tutors & servants for them, hiring a Qari Sahib, etc..), and make sure everything runs smoothly. They mostly have to fight with their husbands on almost every issue such as money (budget for the house, clothes), going to their mother’s house, typical saas, bahu arguments, etc…and they are constantly reminded of how ungreatful they are because of the “free” food they are receiving. Unfortunately. In this case, it becomes very difficult for a women to approach her husband, who she is not on the same page with anyhow, to discuss this “taboo.”
I am not at all trying to justify any of this, the molestation, the confidement with the mother, or the hush hush attitude. It’s wrong and should be condemned from the very beginning and all the way through. In the third world countries, however, empowerment of a women is very important. They raise our children. Our most precious things…, yet they are not respected. What an oxymoron! Women are treated like dirt, yet are incharge of raising the children, (heavens forbid if the father spent time with them!) yet don’t voice themselves at the risk of destroying their child’s life for the fear of being blamed and in some cases rejected by the husband.
I am greatful for this education and believe that we do all have to start somewhere and realizing and admitting that there is a problem, rather threat in our society is the first step.
I just spoke to my 9 year about some of these threats. I hated doing it, hated that puzzled look on his face of how and why people would do such things, hated ending this innocence in this regard, but felt it was imperative to educate him about the world we now live in and how to best communicate with his parents. No’usbillah, I pray that that day will never come and don’t even want to think about it, but this might be his best defence in such a situation.
I pray that Allah (SWT) gives all parents the wisdom to protect their children and stand up for them when necessary.
As a child, my friends and I would go spend the night at a friend’s home. After many years, one of the daughters brought charges against her father for sexual molestation. The father was a practicing Muslim and very active in the community. The community, my friends and I were shocked. I shudder to think of the possibility of this happening to my friends and I while we were there for slumber parties.
AND I HOPE EVERY PARENT READS THIS VERY CAREFULLY–> I think parents should be very careful when allowing their children to spend the night at a friend’s or cousin’s house. I will NEVER allow my child especially my daughter to spend the night at another home. It may be going overboard but I truly would rather be safe than sorry.
Aslamu-alaikum:
@UMM REEM:
First i would like to say that this post is informative and I would hope that this post will bring Positive changes.
“4. Quite possiblemen always have an attraction towards anything different or youngerit is worth reflecting over the hadeeth of the Prophet sallallahu alihi wasalm in which he, sallallahu alihi waslam, said that he was not leaving behind any test/temptation more harmful for men then women
Second i wanted to say that the hadith that you mentioned
is NOT RELATED to this topic of INCEST. THE HARM or test or temptation is not related to the subject of incest concerning women.
Incest and rape is more of a control issue and a crime. ITS NOT THAT THEY ARE ATTRACTED TO YOUNGER WOMEN OR ANYTHING. IF THEY ARE ATTRACTED TO YOUNGER WOMEN THAN MARRY HER. ALLAH has allowed that. MEN ARE ALLOWED TO MARRY YOUNGER OR MORE WOMEN. INCEST IS NOT ALLOWED. and IF SOMEONE IS DOING IT> NO EXCUSES FOR THAT PERSON.
ONE CAN CONTROL URGES AND FIND HALAL AVENUES TO SATISFY THAT DESIRE…………
PLAIN AND SIMPLE.
ITS LIKE saying that MEN or WOMEN commit homosexuality, murder, or adultery because they somehow are attracted to other sexes or people. OF COURSE ONE CAN BE ATTRACTED TO TONS OF PEOPLE BUT DO WE ACT ON IT. NO WAY
WE FIND HALAL SOURCES THAT ALLAH HAS ALLOWED.
i am sick and tired of people making excuses for people and trying to justify their sickensses by labeling them and giving them a name for it.
HUH>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
ITS WRONG>
PORNOGRAPHY IS WRONG………… FIND a WIFE or HUSBAND……………. if you want a younger woman find one………….. if you want variety find another wife BUT DON’T PRAY ON A COUSIN, DAUGHTER, OR SON for that matter.
salam
I would appreciate it if you would not delete my comment.
I cant bring myself to read these series…..it’s a torture..i went thru a similar situation myself over 10 yrs ago..and it still haunts me to this day..idk..i’m just at loss for words..i never thought this incident would have such an effect on me until i started studying psychology and reading articles on sexual abuse awareness…
you need to talk to some one you trust. If some one took advantage of you when you were young it is not your fault.
I am looking forward to your post on how we can impart sex education to our children, inshaAllah. It will surely be beneficial for all. May Allah reward you abundantly for your efforts, Ameen.
Umm Reem, despite the real nature of this problem, can we have some perspective on how prevalent this problem is, i.e. how many cases of abuse occur per community of 1000 Muslims for instance.
The reason i ask is because i think there needs to be some balance in people’s reactions. For every story of abuse occurring because of staying over at one’s cousins’ house, how many tens, or perhaps hundreds, or even thousands of cases are there where kids stayed over their cousin’s house and no abuse occurred, and things were just… well just normal.
I remember reading one such sister who insisted that her children should not meet any adults unsupervised, including her husband’s brothers and even her husband’s father because of fear they might molest her kids.
It was almost as if the baseline she was setting was that all males (excluding, strangely enough, her husband and her own blood brothers/father) were potential abusers of her children. And i wondered how healthy is that? From one perspective i understand her protectiveness towards her children, but from another perspective this attitude was also a powderkeg. How would her husband (or any husband) react if he found his wife harbouring such thoughts about his family?
Kashif’s makes good points. I would like to see his questions answered as well.
I think that what I take from this is that one needs to have a loving and open relationship with your children. Your children should feel comfortable coming to you about anything. From what I gather what was worse than the abuse was that the parents chose to reject the child or ignore the abuse when they saw it. Yes, you can become paranoid and also I have to admit I do think I will be much more cautious with my children around the Masjid because I do think there is some cultural issue here as this problem is not very prevalent in most Middle class American communities. Also the community has to hold abusers accountable no matter what their “status” in the community.
Sincethestorm:
I respect those parents’ choice who don’t want to allow thier daughters to have a sleepover BUT that is not the solution to the problem.
firstly, boys should can also be victimized so why penalize daughters only?
secondly, molestation doesn’t have to occur only during sleepovers. The main point, yet again, is parent educating his/her child AND allowing the child to trust his/her parents. I will, inshaAllah, give specific examples in later part.
Kashif:
maybe we can do a survey in our islamic schools or during one of the isna/icna/tdc conventions inshaAllah. good idea…
HOWEVER, keeping your child from relatives is NOT the solution to the problem. The problem is with the parents, in my humble opinion. And may Allah forgive me if i am misjudging the situation. May Allah give all of us tawfeeq to be good parents.
I honestly believe parents need to educate their children about their body parts. They teach their children about the rest of the body parts why avoid certain areas. Build a communication with them. Sometimes, by not answering their questions or by hesitating to talk about certain issues we push our child away and create a distance which doesn’t even become noticeable until later.
Also, when my daughter and sh. Waleed Basyouni’s daughters wanted to have a sleepover at each others houses, he made a rule. May Allah reward him and increase his wisdom.
He said that no sleepovers if dads are home (given that the boys are smaller then sisters). So only when he was traveling, my daughter could have a sleepover at his house, and only when my husband was traveling his daughters could have a sleepover at my house. I found this to be a very sensible solution.
Given that his wife is my very close friend because I will not let my daughter have a sleepover at anyone’s house unless i know the wife and the house environment well, even if it is a “shaikh’s” house…
ALGEBRA:
as much as i would like to agree with you sister, i would have to disagree
there is a difference between pedophile, situational child molester, and preferential child molester…
So yes, there are those who are sick in their minds, and need psychological and spiritual treatment. For them it is beyond sexual temptation, rather a matter of manipulation and control.
BUT there are those who are driven by sheer desires…and the circumstances are uncontrollable for them… the fitnah within them is very…
I don’t have that fitnah in me, alhamdullialh, and so does most of the women…so we fail to completely understand what goes through their minds and at the same time we thank Allah that He has not put that fitnah in us, for ayydhobillah only Allah knows what we would have done….
now don’ think i am underestimating their evil action…they sin…YES their sin is severe and the harm of their sin is not only limited to them, it doestroys lives and community as whole…
BUT what if they repent? strong, sincere repentance?? are they hopeless then?
May Allah azzawajal protect us and guide us and strengthen our iman
Degradation of women is the worst thing possible! (it is not, really, I mean to kill is worse, or to genitally mutilate someone).
But pornography does not need to be of this nature. And to the extent that it can help people have a more satisfied marriage (when shared together) it is not a wrong thing. People make a lot of this, because it is considered “wrong” and thus is not something shared — and secrets of this sort are a bad thing (think: there is something that I REALLY like, but I won’t tell you, so you won’t be able to help me have as much fun as I could — not good, not good).
My friend and I were talking about this issue recently, and she was able to approach her parents right away after a few initial attempts by a Quran teacher (believe it or not) to touch her etc. She said she felt comfortable doing so because her mother had one day explained to her about her body parts, including “These are your private parts, they are only yours, no one else should be touching them or seeing them, if anyone does that you need to tell mommy and daddy right away.” So she had that at the back of her mind, and alhamdulillah it prompted her to approach her parents when she felt what was going on was wrong.
I think this is SO IMPORTANT, and it’s something every parent needs to take away from this series of articles. TALK to your kids, tell them they can come to you if they’re not sure about something. Allahu A’alam but I’m assuming that more families coming from the east, this will be difficult to do and may be seen as something strange and unnecessary (“my child knows they can come to me, I don’t need to tell them that” YES YOU DO! Talking to your child will leave the impression in the back of their minds that they should come to you if something is going on that shouldn’t be, and that will come forth inshallah if something like this ever happened, na’oothubillah. Another important point parents should take away from kids is LISTEN TO THEM, they’re not always making it up.
Jazakillah khayr sister for writing about this issue. Indeed we need to talk about the problems in our ummah in order to tackle them, and the first step is education.
The next 2 installments, “solutions” and more will be posted next week inshallah.
We thought it would be good to have a short break for the material to “settle” in.
Regarding the distribution of the article in PDF, some things to keep in mind;
1. I believe a one page “Bulletin” should be prepared introducing the topic, summarizing and highlighting the main points/solutions (minus the detailed stories). Also, there should be info about getting help and references to further reading, etc. This can be distributed in Schools, Islamic centers, conferences, etc.
2. I’m not really sure what will be the most effective way of addressing this topic in the local communities since it is a rather uncomfortable topic for most..Perhaps introducing the topics in conferences could be a start to get out the message across and then to address the parents through Islamic schools…Islamic school counselors could be the right medium to introduce such topics….
3. There would be great ajr if one of the brother/sisters could simply help put up a website regarding this issue which would be regulated by educated authors such as the authors of this article and perhaps some other doctors/counselors…. I think many people would prefer to get help online and would insha`Allah serve to help themselves recover and move on…
4. The final PDF version should be distributed with caution and through the right mediums because it may really “shock” and disturb some parents were they to read it at once ( i know some who were not be to read the whole article because they were simply shocked, overwhelmed and could not fathom such evil things)….So I think this PDF should serve as a source mainly for educators, counselors, and victims..from there they could use this tool to spread the message to others in the appropriate manner… wallahu a`lam..
That’s true to some extent, however, when you a break down of the age groups, there is a 3:2 ratio (male to female victims) of ages 11 and under.
Researchers often have a bias that boys can’t really be victims, and to make things worse, boys are less likely to disclose their abuse in comparison to girls, you may want to read on the Catholic sex scandal. A lot of new findings were reported after the media exposure.
The same applies to female perpetrators, even though they constitute 30% of reported sex abuse cases, it’s often overlooked because it’s hard to portray a woman as a perpetrator. This series is an illustration of that bias.
Assalama alaikum,
Jazakum Allah khairun Sr. Umm Reem for an educational and much needed article. We Muslims need to stop believing we are above such heinous actsideally we should be, but Subhana’Allah we definitely are not. Which is why articles like this need to be widely circulated so that children (and teens) can come forward and get the help they may not receive otherwise.
I have a friend who was molested. Sometimes as children we assume our parents will not understand because we have this mentality engrained in us that such a thing does not happen in Islam, or is never perpetrated by Muslims and of course shameful to talk about such thingsit’s that much harder when it’s a relative or close family friend. My friend told a teacher she trusted. Her parents were shocked when informed as well as devastated, they were also saddened she did not come to them first. But how could she? How could any child after the abuse trust another adult, when it was an adult who betrayed them to begin with? As my friend explained to me, sometimes no matter how close the child and parent are, it’s hard for the child to divulge such horrors because they become untrusting of ALL adults as a result of the abuse. SubhanaAllah what innocence lost!
My advice is to keep close track of intense mood swings in your child. Talk to them, and then talk to them some more. The teacher was able to get it out of my friend after months of noticing her withdrawal and by constantly asking her if there was something wrong and if she wanted to talk. Alhamdullilaah, my friend and her family are much closer as a result and she made a conscious choice to not let this past trauma define who she is and wanted to become. A great lesson! Everything that happens to us in this life happens for a reason, only Allah (swt) knows best that reason (especially in cases like these). However, we know and accept it’s qadr..what’s past is past and sabr is BEAUTIFUL. The key is to not let it take over your future to the point that you can’t function (get help if you need toeven if it happened years ago). Insha’Allah the reward will be in the akhirah. May Allah (swt) bless all the sufferers with Sabr Jameelahameen!
I just have a quick question Sr. Umm Remm….you said:
“there is a difference between pedophile, situational child molester, and preferential child molester”
I’m not sure I understand?? I know a pedophile is a habitual child molester who may be untreatable (studies show most are). But what are “situational child molester and preferential child molester”?? Just because they’ve been caught doing it once doesn’t mean they have not done it before or don’t have pedophile tendencies. I thought anyone who abuses children is clasified as a ‘pedophile’? What distinguishes the three??
Umm Reem, after reading all of this, and it took a couple of days – I could not stomach it all at one time, I give thanks to Allah SWT for my parents – Alhamdullilah. Alhamdullilah for the ‘harshness’ of my father who insisted that I not leave my then young daughter with ANY male member of the family. At that time, I did not understand and he just muttered that there is a lot of harami stuff going on. Alhamdullilah for my husband who stood by me when I refused to let my then young children join the communal sleeping arrangements in family gatherings. I was ridiculed and my children thought I was a spoilsport – I did however allow them to stay up late having fun with the cousins and I took them back with me to our cramped room when it was bedtime. And when my sons entered puberty I had to forbid hugs with the younger cousins. Why? Because the cute young cousins would cling on for too long and fight to sit on their laps. When I would try to explain to the mothers my concerns, they would roll their eyes. My mother said that when she visited Pakistan with her brother – her mahram, the relatives gave them one bed to share ; despite being ridiculed she chose to sleep on the hard floor.
How do you even begin to educate such people about Allah ‘s SWT commands when they think you are being extreme in such (to them, insignificant) matters. They believe that we are blowing things out of proportion. I haven’t even touched the crux of the matter, the depths of Islam. Everyday I realize how little I do know and worry if I will have enough time to educate myself and my children of the importance of submitting ourselves to every command of Allah SWT ( and to remind, and be reminded), and to count the blessings that we do have. Alhamdullilahi ala kuli haal
Yours, sister-in-Islam
Anonymous:
sorry i missed out on your questions:
Basically, situational molesters are those who are totally driven by their temptation and the circumstances, like teenage boys (mostly elder cousin in this situation) and little relative girls just happen to be the easiest way to satisfy their desires…easily available…perhaps most Muslim molesters fall in this catagory, wAllahu ‘alam.
pedophiles have a preference of small children. there are no scientific facts that why it happens to them but many therapists argue that it is a fairly new phenomenon because of the widespread of nudity and because of how younger girls are portrayed in the media/books/magazines.
preferential molesters are much like pedophiles but they have a preference of boys over girls…
maybe i can later post something in detail on this inshaAllah…
This is an area which really needs to be addressed, may Allah reward those who decided to put it together. I have not read all the installments or all of the comments but I wanted to point out that I’m seeing many references to GIRLS being “molested” and not to boys. Most Muslims I see these days seem to want to over-protect their daughters but the same family will completely neglect the son. I have seen families where the girls are homeschooled or sent to Islamic school but the boys are sent to public school. The girls have strict rules about socializing, etc., but the boys are free to do what they want. Many of my friends in high school who were daughters of immigrant parents told me that they knew that their brothers, cousins, other community members were sexually active and their parents were in denial, while insisting on certain behaviors and, of course, hijab, etc., by the daughters. I would no more want to subject my son to the possibility of sexual abuse or corruption than my daughter and I would certainly not want to marry my daughters to “damaged goods” so why are our communities still adopting this backward mentality?!
Ladyofhouse, the question about boys’ molestation has been brought up a few times before in previous posts. It is important to focus on one subject at a time, in order to fully develop it, esp. since the reactions of boys and girls can be so different. If there are brothers/sisters out there who would like to take the step of researching the issue of male molestation, we will be surely willing to entertain posting it, if well-researched and beneficial.
Dear Amad,
Realy you have be involved in such a situation, if yes what where the reasons behind this. Islam or any thing else. In such a case what should one do, how can we get ride of this.
jahanzeb, involved in what situation? I think you misunderstood my comment.
When i told my mum she just screamed, I swear by Allah I have never been more scared in my life. I ran up and cried and cried I really thought Allah swt hated me soo much, my mum told my dad. They never discussed it with us, but when I wanted to join an Islamic centre to learn how to read the Quran, my mum didn’t want me to go, then she wanted to come along, dad was annoyed that he would have to drive down there and he said “I have to go check it out you might come back and say someone else did something to you down there”. God, i hated him for saying that. I never went in the end, I didn’t learn how to read the Quran till much later, I still can’t read it properly.
You can’t trust anyone. Sometimes I really wish the Prophet pbuh was alive and we could turn to him and he would speak to us, he wouldn’t shout, at least he would understand.
I dont understand how people get angry and mock their children. Or make jokes out of it.
Assalamu alaykum
all these get ignored and its always our own fault. where is the rahmah, really 
heart breaking. the worst thing is, is that women/girls are always blamed by their own families and culture which makes it so hard for the victims to tell as well an easy scape-goat for the dhaalim (oppressor). “its our own fault that we get raped.” what is this attitude among the ummah? if fathers and brothers just took their daughters, wives and sisters seriously, then i doubt half of these cases wouldn’t occur. any man would be too scared to do such a thing knowing that a harsh punishment would await him from her male relatives. i mean seriously, what is a girl meant to do
i hope any man who read that really tries to do something.
pls do.
So what does one do when something like this is kept all wrapped up? Meaning the cycle is broken and the girl is obviously afraid of men because of it. But what about the man? Does one keep silent as to cover his sins and not let it spread through society?
I’m looking forward to reading the solutions, and I do hope they include such preventative measures as: Don’t treat cousins like siblings. Male or female, they are not mahram to your children, and although out of love for our own brothers and sisters we give them intrinsic trust, the truth of the matter is that trust must be earned, and you would not allow your young children (boys or girls) to spend unsupervised time hanging out or sleeping over with older kids if they were not cousins. If a seventeen year old from your neighborhood suddenly started to spend alot of time with your thirteen year old, you would wonder why.
AllahuAalim, in the Pakistani culture, people live so close to their cousins that they sleep in the same rooms at night, and it doesn’t matter who is sleeping where as long as it is in the house of a relative. In my own extended family, widespread abuse was finally stopped when an adult caught another in the act. The children’s complaints had been hushed up, just like mentioned above, or pushed away to preserve the “honor” of the molesters (as if they deserved honor more than the children deserved protection) and it only came to a head when the mother of one child actually saw the child being inappropriately touched- the molestor had become bold and shameless by the adults’ unwillingness to take action.
The result was that an entire family was removed from the inner circles of family relations, and it was a rude awakening for all of the aunts and uncles involved. They had raised their children like brothers and sisters, and now they had to undo the glue they had used to stick everyone together in unhealthy and unnatural closeness. There is now a healthy distance, and the understanding (though unpalatable) that cousins are not your brothers, and your brother’s children are not as trustworthy as your brother.
I was molested by a molvi when i was 10 years old. I did not tell anyone as I was confused about what happened and too scared about people coming to know about what happened. He was very sly as he had been done for this before but got away, and he even showed my parents the newspaper article showing that he was ‘innocent’ and, o make it worse, he even received a high amount of money for being ‘wrongly’ accused. So i felt that there was no point as he would get away with it again. As the years passed i just kept it hidden inside me, until a good 8 years later when i told my mother about it. I don’t know if she believed me. She just said its too late now, you should’ve told us before. I was kind of okay with that, however, this man is still in contact with my family. He even comes to our house now and then. I feel as though i can’t get away from him. I dont know what to do, i really wish i had done something about it, but at that time i was an extremely quiet and shy person. Its been about 15 years now since this happens, but the pain is still stronger than ever.Is there anything I can do about it? Or is it too late? If I can, do i have to give my identity? I don’t want my family to find out about it.
Also is there anything that i can pray that will give me peace of mind as these thoughts are driving me crazy.
Thanks
Asima, stop blamimg yourself. You were only 10 years old and an adult man took advantage of you. If that guy is still around children, you shoukd write anonmously to authorities so that other children don’t get molested.