just my thoughts

The last thing I would let myself do is to allow my life to revolve around my hatred for someone like him. Something that I might share with other ’survivors’ or may be not. (You can see why i do not like to call myself a victim)

I have accepted what has happened to me , just a bit worried about any consequences it may bear in future. Allah (SWT) tests us from time to time after all. I see it as a test.

Ok take care sister InshaAllah.

refer to bold above. – I don’t know your background, hmmm… asian?? someone you trust – sibling etc. As you said you are making an assumption. *smile*

‘I think, the reason because I cannot be bothered to hate him is because if I truly were to hate him, the amount would be so great that adding all the hatred of every single human being born to this earth would not be enough for me to express my disgust in his act…’

As you point out perhaps you are afraid of the level of hatred you have for this person best not ‘air’ it kinda thing?

‘…But I cannot say for certain that I have forgiven him. It would be hard to forgive from the heart. It is easier to just utter the word ‘forgive’ which is not really forgiveness. My mind gets blocked when I try to question myself on it. Truth be told, I consider him as someone who is non existant.’

You don’t know if you have forgiven him and how much you hate him in reality because your mind is not able to cope with it (?) to such an extent that as you put it, you find it easier to think of him as someone who is not in existence. I guess the pain perhaps is so great you have blocked the whole thing out(?). Again I maybe wrong - please do feel free to correct.

‘What gave it away, may I ask?’

This made me laugh… *smile* what gave you away ?? Reading between the lines I just saw it…
your choice of words, the structure of your post, what you didn’t say as opposed to what you did say… all of this gave you away to me!

If I don’t respond to your subsequent post today I will do tomorrow inshaAllah. Have a good day and I look forward to your response.

I am very sure they would ask me to just leave it at that or that I am making a big fuss. I am making an assumption here, of course.

We tend to use the word hate so loosely in our daily life, that in most times, it actually means nothing.I never really hated anyone in life, to be honest. I think, the reason because I cannot be bothered to hate him is because if I truly were to hate him, the amount would be so great that adding all the hatred of every single human being born to this earth would not be enough for me to express my disgust in his act. I think guilt plays a little role in it too. I fear Allah (SWT) may be diappointed in me if I were to hate another human. But, I cannot say for certain that I have forgiven him. It would be hard to forgive from the heart. It is easier to just utter the word ‘forgive’ which is not really forgiveness. My mind gets blocked when I try to question myself on it. Truth be told, I consider him as someone who is non existant.

As for rarely being angry, it probably has nothing to do with this. I am a very cheerful person and loved by people around me for it. Not sure if it’s genetic or not, but that’s just me.

Your last comment got me laughing. Spot on, sister. If I dearly want something, I do not give up. But, if I do not get something after trying everything, I move on. But Allah (SWT) is most merciful and I would do well to not complain if I did not get something. But, it is not about getting something, it is rather more about doing a task as perfectly as I can. Then again,my upbringing may have something to do with this. What gave it away, may I ask?

I see why you worry now. Thank you for the clarification. You say you could not tell him in front of your mahrems. Is there anyone within your family you could perhaps confide in inshaAllah that might be able to help you in this?

Would there be any other way of conveying this information to him (once your meetings etc reached a serious stage of course), or perhaps subtly allude to it by way of a general question/comment? Does that make sense? I’m not sure this is helping!

And now for my questions now from your previous post (I really pray and hope these do not upset you as that is not my intent).

- You mentioned you seldom if ever get angry. may I ask why? is there any particular reason for this? I was tempted to give examples but will refrain as I don’t want to put ideas into your head!
- You also mention forgiveness mashaAllah. You have forgiven your molester. In fact you say you ‘cannot even hate him’ why can you not hate him?? Again, I’m not wanting to put words in your mouth inshaAllah. Just things for you to think about and maybe share your thoughts I’d be very interested.
- One more thing… I maybe wrong but you appear or at least I sense that you are a perfectionist(??) Things have to be right(?)

Looking forward to your response…

wasalamu alaikum *smile*

You have infact caused me to smile. You really do know how to ease someone sister. Jazakallah Khair.

About my point, ‘Even if I do tell him and he seems absolutely fine with it, I will deep down worry that it might bother him.’ :

I meant, if I told him after the marriage because it is unlikely I will know much of him personally as I am most likely to have an arranged marriage. That’s where my issue is. I do not have any problem with arrangedmarriage itself but the fact that it’s not something I can disclose in front of mehrams (talking to him alone would be inappropriate and would seem suspicious to others).

You have put things so beautifully and yes, I am still smiling from the relief which I hope lasts.

I would just like some opinions, that’s all. After all, it depends on the situation.

*Smiles back*

I hope all is well with you sister.

re the questioning your trust in him, then, sister this is understandable - your trust was betrayed in the worst way possible. In order to rebuild that you will need time, space and understanding. There’s nothing wrong with you at this point feeling as you do. InshaAllah over time when you are in a safe, secure, equal relationship where you are not taken advantage of things will change.

Assalamu ‘alaikum,

My dear sister, May Allah remove your worries and replace them with sweet relief and may he grant you a spouse who is a source of comfort in this life and the next. Ameen. I’m going to respond to your post backwards, meaning begin with your worry re marriage and work back from there *smile*

From your post I ‘pick up’ that although, mashaAllah you say your past does not worry you, it seems it does as you are overly worried about your future marriage. This is not a criticism. Your worry seems to centre around your future husband and the need for him to have a ‘pure gift’ in other words an untouched wife (?). and how you feel by virtue of your past experience, which, by the way you had no control over, you will be spoiling it for your husband and disappointing him.

The first thing – you had no choice in what was inflicted upon you as a child so how can you be impure? It also appears you think you are pure – so there is doubt. If I recall correctly, one of the scholars was asked re this issue and responded a woman is considered virgin in this situation/case. Alhamdulillah, so let your heart be at ease. Let your doubts and whisperings from shaytan dissipate inshaAllah. For You are pure - you are and will be a gift inshaAllah for the fortunate man who weds you!

What makes you think a brother would not accept you?? There are many brothers who aren’t bothered by these things – not just abuse but even having a past containing relationships etc as long as the sister has reformed and mended her ways (brothers please correct me if I’m wrong!). Secondly, some would be more than happy to wed you knowing they will be your pillar of strength and support, security inshaAllah. I personally know of such a situation. Yes, some don’t like ‘baggage’ but that’s any baggage not just child abuse and Allah knows best. Again, perhaps the brothers can comment on this inshaAllah?

Moving onto your concerns re the cultural side of things…

‘If I do not tell him and as a result, if he suspects me (the cultural yada-yada – you know the legendary wedding night mark. I feel disgusted just saying that but who is to say that it would not matter to him or his family! ‘

Not sure if you know this but the legendary wedding night mark as you call it is a myth… This you can check simply by googling, there are many things which may cause a woman to forego the mark. It appears shallow that a man and his family may judge a woman based upon this SubhanAllah. Is such a person worth marrying???? How much might Islam play a part in such a person’s life??? That the mere absence of something causes him to become suspicious of his wife’s character??

You next say…

‘Even if I do tell him and he seems absolutely fine with it, I will deep down worry that it might bother him. And if he does something which hurts me emotionally, theres a very big chance that I will blame my past for that, thinking it does bother him when it may not/when he may be upset with me for something else entirely. (Questions my trust in him does not it? But, my mind cannot help it.)’

MashaAllah you seem like a very sensitive and caring person. Remember he’s a man he knows what the score is and has made an informed decision to wed you! He can deal with it inshaAllah – i.e. the upset etc. This is his issue not yours to worry about. As I said he’s the man!!! Not sure if that’s helpful but I hope you understand the point I’m making – if a man or any person for that matter cannot handle a situation they refrain from it… everyone knows their own limits… Don’t stress inshaAllah!

I’ll end with a few questions inshaAllah, I’m not sure how to word them as I do not want to cause you any upset, really they are things for you to think about… perhaps I will post them when you reply inshaAllah.

InshaAllah I hope the above is of use - if I can be of any more help/use/support or anything (!) just let me know inshaAllah. Anything of benefit contained herein is from Allah any error is of my own. Also just to point out the above is not gospel, if readers find any incorrections/inaccuracies please do correct inshaAllah.

Wasalaamu alaikum

I am analyzing my dilemma from so many angles that now my head hurts!

Do look forward to your thoughts, InshaAllah.

Anyhoo, I am generally an honest person and I hate to lie (No bragging people). I try to stay quiet or avoid something if I fear that the only way getting out of it would be to lie. I am not married and I would hope my ‘past’ would not strain the relationship between me and my husband. I am generally a calm person and can rarely be angry at anyone. Dare I say, I cannot even hate my molester. Islam discourages hatred. I can also say that the reason for not being able to hate the molestor may have little to do with my feeling of guilt. Yeah, the common symptom!

I can say it with all my heart that I have no complaints to Allah (SWT). Infact, it makes me love Allah (SWT) more with the knowledge that this trial in life could very well save me in the hereafter. Trials are way of cutting down one’s sins. Allah’s (SWT) mercy is truly beautiful.

However…

What worries me the most is that:

1. Should I tell this to my future husband? If so, before (what is the gurantee that I will end up with this person) or after marriage(Although it will be a very unpleasant situation for me. Who would want their very first words to be that of something ugly)?

2. I would like to tell him but I fear he may treat me differently because of that, even if unintentionally. After all, most men wants pure wife. It is an natural instinct to want and care for something in its purest form and I am not blaming men for that. Life is not meant to be simple, I guess!

If I do not tell him and as a result, if he suspects me (the cultural yada-yada – you know the legendary wedding night mark. I feel disgusted just saying that but who is to say that it would not matter to him or his family! God Forbid, I say. Double standards, I say. But I will have to face the reality one day or night.), and knowing me how I cannot hide a thing if confronted, should I tell him? Poor him, I will be spoiling his big night.

[Here, I am making a big assumption because my memory of the 'past' is not clear and for all you know I might still be erm...pure as they say. Let's just assume for now. I cannot really run to someone for advice on the big day, as absurd as it may sound. I have this internal debate going on. I dont know if I am or not. Personally, I do not really believe in his cultural tradition. But the more I hear about divorces due to such issues, it worries me and bothers me to no end.]

I really dislike going into details but I need some advice if I may.

3. Even if I do tell him and he seems absolutely fine with it, I will deep down worry that it might bother him. And if he does something which hurts me emotionally, theres a very big chance that I will blame my past for that, thinking it does bother him when it may not/when he may be upset with me for something else entirely. (Questions my trust in him does not it? But, my mind cannot help it.)

I am in a massive dilemma here. I would not want him to think that I am unfaithful to him. My past does not bother me much but it is my future which worries me. I would really hate to disappoint him and make him feel deprived of a pure wife that he could have had if I told him earlier/or if it was not for me being meant to be with him. But, as with most marriages, it is not really possible to discuss such a sensitive issue with the fiancee and who is to say that he will keep it as an amanah? Not to mention, as I said, who is to gurantee that the said person will end up as my husband.

I would like both brothers’ and sisters’ comment on this, please.

Jazakallah Khair!

May Allah (SWT) reward you many many times and many times multiplied for the one who compiled/wrote this article. It really made me understand my self better. May Allah (SWT) help us all muslims live through toughest of times with our Imaan by our side, faith in Allah’s (SWT) mercy in our heart that reaches every corner of our being. Ameen.

I appreciate the effort from the deepest core of my heart and soul.

Salaam.

Survive, Never Fall!
A Muslim can never be in short of honor and worth.