Loading ...
Subscribe via RSS
Sign up on our Email list
Like our Facebook Page
Twitter Newsfeed
Podcast of Multimedia
iTunes ChannelThe World from the view of a Single Brother
In a world were sexual culture dominates media (read this CNN article about Sexual Content on TV to Teen Pregnancy), one finds himself surrounded with nothing but stimulus that pushes him to a direction that he knows that it isn’t the right one. This environment coupled with natural urges can put people in weird situations.
So we ask ourselves, what’s the way out of this? How can we resolve such issues and consciously feel good about the solution. And the obvious answer to the question is “I want to get Married.” 
One might ask, is sex the only motive that drives men to get married? And the answer to that is NO of course it’s not the only reason, but indeed its one of the very top ones. This goes for brothers and sisters equally. I must admit though, I don’t know how it feels like being a single sister, but rest assured I know very well how it feels like being a single brother. So here is a point of view that lots of other single brothers share when it comes to pre-marriage issues. I will try to cover three main areas starting with parents of a prospect wife, then the prospect wife, and end with our own insecurities.
Our view about the parents of a prospect wife:
Single brothers fear parents with “very” high expectations. They tend to demand a lot in order to stay within their class values. This issue is the seed for all sort of different problems such as the dowry, the wedding, where are they going to live, etc. Also their very high expectation of the career of the brother who is proposing. Its as I said before, they expect a prince, prophet, nerd, scholar, doctor and engineer, rich, humble… etc which leads us to fear them rather than just trying to build bridges with them.
Many parents also object to the “religiosity” of the brothers. This of course due to the times that we live in nowadays. Not only that, but also due to the fact that they view a religious person to be a dumb, have nothing better to do, uneducated, and poor. This comes with the culture baggage that they brought with them from back home (where ever that maybe).
If you are an immigrant holding a visa (tourist or a student visa) your chances of getting married to a girl from here are slim to none. That is due to the fact that parents fear that they ONLY want to marry their daughter for the “papers”. Though this maybe true in some cases, I object to having this believe as a default of all my immigrant brothers and sisters. Some of them are sincere and really want to marry your daughters for the sake of marrying her not for the papers, or to be more exact, not entirely for the papers.
I remember Shaykh Yasir Qadhi in a ICNA conference in Houston (May of 2007) said that he believes that it is permissible for the father to ask “how much money do you have saved up beta?” question. I can tell you right now, most of us “single brothers” are not well established enough to have saved up big sums of money to show to our inlaws. This is very important because parents tend to forget that the brother might be very comfortable financially in few years, but cant wait to get married for few years.
In my mind, if I were to be asked this question, I would reply back and say, Uncle, when you married your wife, how much money did you have in your account? Of course that will result to an automatic rejection, but that is besides the point. 
There is more to be said about this, but maybe inshaAllah we can elaborate on it in a future post.
Our view about the prospect wife:
I will list the top 10 things single “religious or wana-be religious” brothers look for in their future wife: This doesn’t come from a “scientific survey” but based on the views of a few brothers from different background racially, educationally, religiously.
1- Physical Appearance. Though this was the first point almost all those I surveyed mentioned, some of them said that she has to be “GORGEOUS” and others said, she doesn’t have to be SUPER good looking, yet she has to be good looking enough.
2- Religiosity. This doesn’t only mean that she prays and fasts, but also includes her eagerness to learn her deen and act up on it.
3- She must be attracted to me (She has to like me, intellectually, physically, and every other aspect out there).
4- Manners. This is different that religiosity because she can pray yet disrespect her husband. That includes physical, psychological, or verbal abuse or disrespect. This also includes her treatment to our families specially our mothers.
5- Knows how to cook. I know that some sisters fantasize about having a husband who will cook for them, which by the way guys dont mind every once in a while, but the reality is that rarely when you find a guy who would do it all the time.
A wise lady said one time, the shortest way to a mans heart is his stomach. Just a word of advice for my single and married sisters.
6- Westernized, yet carries the traditional values.
7- Dresses Islamically. This varies from one single brother to the next. Some are cool with loose pants, others are strictly Abayas but the one common ground was Hijab.
8- Know how to support her husband. Unlike most of what my single sisters believe, men too need emotional support. They work all day and come to the house expected to spend time with their wives, listen to them, comfort them, take them out, make them feel all good but who is out there to make the man feels good?! Here is something for you think about.
9- Jealous, but not too jealous. Men always want to feel wanted and needed. A sense of jealousy from his wife gives him the feeling that she wants him. Of course if she is an extreme jealous person, then in this case, a second wife is due. haha joking people dont shoot me.
10- I can carry an intellectual conversation with her without the fear of being penalized for holding certain views. This goes out to my married brothers who told me that they “must” agree with their wives otherwise they usually spend the night on the couch.
Of course the order various from one person to the next and of course this list does not apply to all the single brothers, but I guarantee you that at least 4 out of the 10 will be common in all what the single brothers are looking for in their future wives.
Finally, Our view about our own insecurities:
While I was asking some of the single brothers this question, I got a lot of long faces and no answers. I found out that its very hard for a man to discuss his own insecurities to others (at least to other men).
I guess this is a part of our “macho” mentality that we are not suppose to be weak in public or in front of anybody. This I will say, is one of our biggest insecurities. The fear to be looked down upon from other peers.
Though we wont admit it, single brothers try to impress the sisters by how they look. Single brothers feel very insecure about their weight, and physical appearance in general.
Single brothers fear the comparison to other single brothers when it comes to proposing to sisters. I can tell you countless stories of 2 (or more sometimes depending on the sister) brothers “competing” over a sister.
Assuming that the brother comes from a decent but not rich family, one fear that he wont be able to provide for her as her parents did. Which usually causes some brothers to stay single longer than average.
Finally, single brothers feel so insecure when it comes to understanding their future wives. We hear horror stories from married men (and if you married sisters ask your husbands, they will deny it because they actually want to sleep in peace tonight) about how its almost impossible to understand what women want or need.
Again, there is much more to be said about this topic, but due to the fact that some brothers refused to answer this question (refer to the first insecurity that i mentioned) i wasn’t able to get a comprehensive insight in to what single brothers view as their own insecurities.
To sum all this up, Muslims as a big community should be able to relate to our single brothers needs. If not, more family and social issues will start appearing. Issues such as fornication, depression, girls running away from their families house, Shiyook marrying girls without having wali (guardians), guys taking advantage of innocent girls, and much more. Ask the Shiyok and Psychologists about the cases that they see, I know of stories that are terrifying.
There are a lot of pressure on single brothers out there. Giving the society we live in, we are faced with sexual pressure to the max, add to that financial instability (given that the brother is in still in the beginning of his career), along with his own insecurities, one can conclude that making marriage harder is a lose-lose situation for the brothers and for the future inlaws. That is because the longer the brothers delay their marriage, the longer the sisters will stay single. So both ends will lose on a few years of their lives due to some materialisitic (which will soon be fixed once the brother jump starts his career) issues.
© MuslimMatters.org by Haytham on November 20th, 2008. All rights reserved. Please see legal & other disclaimers here.
As salaam alaikum
Jazakallah khair. Thank you for writing this post. You are speaking on behalf of many of us (single brothers)!
Although a couple of things I would add to your top 10 list would be to add
1. Sense of humor
2. Compatible Personality (not the same, but complementary)
Not sure what those 2 would replace (to keep it a top 10 list) , but those 2 would definitely be up there!
May Allah (swt) grant us all with the best of spouses, and May He (Swt) alleviate young struggling Muslims and their families of all the ensuing issues (fornication, depression, running away from home, etc. [all of which I have heard of in my community as well
] ) !
Salams,
I don’t understand what’s the big issue with marriage. Save some cash and just go over seas and pick out one out of the many millions of poor traditional women. You get a simple women with an easy mahr and you have the opportunity to teach her the religion. Also dont have some silly, lame, extravagant, cheesy arab (I wana be amerikan) wedding.
So you get reward for taking care of a poor girl and providing them with an education. Even pay for them to go to school for secular studies, if they would like to. Just don’t go to egypt, her parents will make you buy her a 200,000 (egy pound) apartment and then put it under her name!! That just aint happening with me, insha’Allah.
Wa aleikoum salaam,
Jazak Allahu khayran Haytham for sharing your view and of the guys with us. I think the exact same counts for women/girls for that matter. Who doesn’t want someone who is handsame/beautiful, religious, funny etc. etc. let’s just pray we find that person. Ameen to the dua’s.
Ibn Muhammad are you ok?
sallam alikom,
sorry brother but i dont agree with you,although that will get you rewareds in your bank for the next life but it will do more harem then good.say if 5 out of each 10 brothers do that what will be left for the sisters in the west.Then out of the 5 that are left 2 or 3 will be ‘sutable’and would leave sister single.
allah knows best
hope i make sence.
lol. Mean.
You sound as if your life is on hold until you get married. It’s all been written and so you don’t need to worry too much.
Live your life and make duaa’, and realize that it may not be written for you to get married in this world. I am sorry for breaking this fact to you, Haytham
Ya Lateef! Haytham writing an article about marriage, how strange is that
To clarify my point at the conference, all I was saying to the single brothers there is that despite the ‘unreasonableness’ of how father-in-law-to-be look, in reality they are just being careful about their own daughter. A time will come when these single brothers will have daughters of their own, and so they will want to make sure that the person who will marry them will be, for example, financially stable. I don’t see any problem in that as long as its reasonable (and ‘reasonable’ is very relative, that is the problem!)
Anyways Haytham, you are in our duas, and insha Allah one day we will be eating food from your walimah
Financial stability will not be my priority, but rather, the ability to become financially stable – I say this as someone who married when he had no job and was 10s of thousands of dollars in debt! Marriage brings money, you just gotta believe and work on it
Siraaj
in a shady hall?
@ h.ahmed…Jazana wa iyakom. and ameen to your dua.
The two point that you mentioned came up, but they werent a top 10… but indeed these are traits that every man would love to have in his wife.
@ Ibn Muhammad …. I couldn’t stop laughin about the egypt comment…. it is soooooo true subhan Allah. 200,000 LE for the mahr.. lolol
As for marrying from overseas, I am against that. That is because what about the sisters here in America? who is gona marry them?!
@ B….No doubt its all been written… (dont get Sh. Yasir and Sh. Waleed mad at me man.. I took LOG, LUL, and ROF with them) but when injustice is being committed against us (single brothers) we must react. As for me never getting married… o well… i ve been thinking about my hoor for a while now
alhamdulillah.
@ Sh. YQ…. Ya shaaaaykhna …. The word reasonable is relative. In my Arab culture.. reasonable is not reasonable at all…Arabs use marriage as a class issue … “We only marry our daughter from this class or this city or this neighborhood”… dont believe me? Go to egypt and ask.. matter of fact, find any Egyptian married couple in the states and ask the brother about his experience with his inlaws .. LOL..
oo… and ameen to your duaaaaaas..
@ Siraaj…. I LOVE YOU… that is exactly what I am saying man
I would say that most sisters get worried or start thinking about marriage when
- They see all their high school and college friends are getting married
- Everyone in community is asking them, ‘so when is ur turn’
- Mother never fails to remind you about how she was only 16 when she got married (so basically mother is so worried about her daughter reaching the expiry date and no more ‘rishtaas’ , so need to go overseas and import a fob =) LOL
salaam alaikum what is a “fob”?
*sorry I never heard that word* Thanks in advance
Friend of Brother ..
Kidding, it’s “Fresh off the Boat” .. so, fobs are immigrants and they are easily distinguishable as such. The term is defamatory for such people because they are not up to date with the fashion, the slang, and the lifestyle in general.
So, for example, when everyone drinks Espresso at office, freaks like me try to make doodh-pati chai (milk+tea) in microwave.. and it goes on :p
btw, Nouman Ali Khan once said that he’s proud of being a fob.
Maybe this post can help find Haytham a sister. Applications currently being accepted via “Contact us”
Caution: As Haytham hinted, he will not be able to satisfy your parents’ wishes for a doctor, a hunk (though he is half way there) or riches. Soo you’ll have to fight them for him
Assalam Walaikum Haytham love,
It’s interesting to see an article like this. It’s also very interesting to see the top 10 qualities you specified.
As a brother, I find it funny that some of the things listed in the top 10 things are actually almost the same qualities a sister would look for in a husband. The difference is women are creatures of sound rather than sight, which would put physical appearance lower.
As a brother it is really useless to have the insecurities such as the ones you have described, though it is true that many brothers are in fact insecure about a lot of things you brought up. Needless to say, these things shouldn’t bother brothers as much as they do.
These insecurities stem from the society we’ve been fed here in America our whole lives. Our concept of beauty has been entirely changed due to that tube in every one of our houses.
What I’m saying is that brothers should take it upon themselves to learn some of the things they would want in a prospective wife. One of which, the most popular, is cooking.
All men should really learn how to cook some things. Brothers shouldn’t turn their wives into a dependency, which happens more often than not. If something happens and she’s not able to make food for a day or two, you can make yourself some biryani
Plus, I’m assuming it’d be a big plus
Oh, and humor is something I would want to add to that list as well
this is the killer…. the mothers always approve by the way.. they are the coolest of the two parents (well until you get married and she becomes your mother in law LOLOLOL) but the fathers are usually the hardest to deal with .. and the scariest..(well..until you get married and then you both are scared of the mother in law)
hahah
i am joking … really i am
This was a very good and clear post.
I would suggest the brother also explore two additional points to ponder.
1) some people, regardless of their hormones, are NOT ready to marry early. They are not mature enough and don’t know how to be responsible.
2) I view religion as important, but it comes after how well matched that person is to you. People should have similar expectations, dreams and realizations.
3) Career/study oriented women – they wait until they are 30 and then complain there’s no men!
@ Raheel#2 … lol…. I love you too man … here is the thing tho… you are saying that we shouldnt have these insecurities… well that is true.. but that doenst deny the fact that we still have them .. right?
There are a lot of shoulds and musts that we dont follow through with man… but that is a whole different topic..
@ Mezba
Answering #1) Absolutely .. but i wasnt talking about them. I was talking about those who are ready to get married.
Answering #2) That doesnt make sense. Coz he cant be well matched with her if he is religious and she is not …. it just doesnt work. So you are saying pretty much the same thing…. but yea… i agree with similar expectations, dreams..etc
Answering #3) http://muslimmatters.org/2008/06/16/smart-muslim-chicks-who-inexplicably-scare-off-guys/
As-salamaulikum,
The article is very true. As a single brother who wants to get married, I can say that the real issue with me (and quite a few of the desi crowd) is how to approach my own parents regarding this issue.
Quite a portion of the desi parents have this sourceless belief that the son should first complete his education and then get a job, then become financially stable, then wait till we (the parents) get a girl for you.
Now I don’t mind my parents arranging a girl for me.. but somehow I would like it to be sooner than later. But the issue is how to bring up this subject.. cause its sort of looked down upon in my community at least.
InshAllah I will be visiting my parents this December.. so should I just straight up bring the subject..? Or this their a better way..?
man, i cant believe haytham forced me to change the picture…
http://muslimmatters.org/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/haytham-marry.jpg
i hope its okay to have the link? if not, feel free to remove too
Good post akhi.
Except #6…would say carry Islamic tradition? do children of immigrants born in America really care about their parents culture? I feel they don’t from my experience, the only REASON they care about parents culture is to please their parents so they feel comfortable (which is not something to hate on, and sounds noble).
-Broke Brother OUT.
Yaser Birjas gave some excellent advice during the Marriage Revolution webcasts series. Realise that your future in-laws want someone they can be proud of to call their son. What makes someone proud varies across families. Look at your own strengths and weakness, with the help of close, trusted advisors, then learn how to “sell” yourself to your future in-laws. It sounds more like a business proposal, than a marriage proposal… but both business and marriage involve contractual obligations, so I guess there is no harm being a “professional” in this case, insha’Allah. {grins}
this was eye opening. haha, somehow, it makes me feel better to hear this, knowing from the brothers’ points of view that sometimes they feel as, i dont know, lost or confused? as some of us do.
jazakum Allahu khair
Not bad Haytham
Theoretically, any sister that was about propose to got over the fact that you have a close relationship to the alMaghrib Instructors (those that taught ‘Fiqh of Love’ no less), that your mother teaches and interacts with tons of sisters, and that you’ve worked with many Houston organizations thereby giving you a perspective of the Ummah’s youth in America that very few people have.
Then you wrote this.
Way to lessen the pressure on the sisters man. Now they’ve got to face Amad as your wali. This article has made your proposal process like a biology 101 weed-out class.
Your freaking brilliant.
The following was written by AnonyMouse’s mom, UmmZainab:
Dear br.Haytham & all the single brrothers , LISTEN UP!
SubhanAllah, may I ask are you looking for a wife or a car? Reading your post was amusing & angering at the same time.Why? you ask, because I see too many times & believe me I have a fair amount of experience in the matchmaking bussiness,when I come across brothers who are asking us to help them in their wife search I always ready what they’re looking for & for almost half of them I inform my husband that I’m not going to even bother helping.
Reasons: 1. They give specs for age, weight, height, colour & looks. Hello!!! This is a human & not a car you’re buying!! Sorry we don’t have a production factory that can build you a model to suit.
2. Hmm, are you THAT good looking as what you’re asking for? Remember beauty is in the eye of the beholder & will you be voted #1 on the next Top 10 Hunks chart?
3. Do you think YOU have all those qualities that you want in a prospective wife to have? ie. be able to hold an intellectual conversation, attracted to her in ALL aspects & likes what she likes?
4. What if she’s more into deen then you? Are you strong enough to be proud of her for it & support her in it?
5. She must be ‘westernised with traditional values’. What does this mean? I have an idea but could be wrong, so plz clarify.
6. Plz brs. do realise that not ALL sisters love to cook even though their mothers might be the best at it. So don’t expect a Martha Stewart in the kitchen unless you’re chef Ramsay
7. Support goes both ways. It’s not a one way street especially if she’s suppose to be some what westenised.
8.Jealousy goes both ways also.
9. Will she be given the same courtesy of not having you angry with her when her views are different from yours during an interlectual conversation? Most times it’s the other way round.As soon as a wife has a view on anything that is different from the husband, if she doesn’t shush up then it leads to an argument = he won’t speak to her for the night or more .
As for humor not all men have them. Sorry to say.
Also how many bros. are willing ot give up their time playing xbox & PSP & hanging out with their Bros. for their wives?
I know of too many bros. whose young wives are waiting for them at home to be with the husbands & talk but he doesn’t come home until fajr. All because they had a game going on & forgot he’ld be back in an hr. Men expect the wives to stop their social life to an extent & give up hanging with their freinds for the most part but don’t reciprocate.
Also don’t look for a sister btwn 16 & 23 when you’re hitting 30. Besides the HUGE age gap generally nowadays it doesn’t work out & there are very different mentalities & expectations. She wants to be romanced & he wants a more mature thinking woman.
So on behalf of all the sisters who only ask for a decent, hard working , caring & understanding man. I ask the single brothers to get back to reality!!!
UmmZainab
Masha’Allah thanks sis for that!
bismillah.
peace, sister (and any other angry sisters, mothers, and fathers out there).
the article uses the words “we” and “our,” it speaks for a single (which also means solitary) brother and for any of the other brothers who endorse his views. but it certainly does not represent the view of all unmarried brothers.
i wouldn’t blame the fathers for this……sometimes this is the brothers’ fault. unfortunately a lot of brothers fail to bring anything to the table that can shatter this perception of them. You need something substantial besides your islam to make conversation with the father (if he is as you mentioned).
Maybe I’m wrong….what u think haytham?
Allahu’Alam
I’m 30, my wife is 24 – we get along very well, alhamdulillaah =)
snap…. I am sorry I angered you by my post…but i still hold my position on all what I have wrote… and here is a reply to your comment:
Very interesting question. I am looking for a wife that will please my eyes. Is that a problem? Whats the big deal if I ask about her eyes to be a certain color, her age to be a certain age..etc? This is what I want…. why is that looked down upon?
If men were chosen by their beauty then we would have a bigger issue to worry about subhan Allah. I am not saying the men should be ugly.. but they dont need to be Tom Cruise either
Me…. I dont have all the qualities that I want my wife to have…. but i have the intention and the motive to change to make my wife happy. Believe it or not, girls coming from Muslim household thinking once they get married they will be free and they will do all that which they wised to do for the longest time…. No stop and think… what if that which they wished to do was not approved by their husband? My point is… not every girl has the well and the intention to change to satisfy her husband… maybe I am wrong… i pray that I am.
If a religious person is married to her, he would sit under her and learn from her. If an ignorant (pretend to be religious) married her.. then she got issues.
basically she is has the best of both cultures… meaning she doesnt bring with her the culture baggage .. yet she is American….. keeping in mind that she is a Muslim. make sense?
Why unless I am Chef Ramsay? This is insane…
If I donno how to cook and she doesnt know how to cook… who is going to cook for us? The Jinn in the house? Just curious ..
As for your points 7,8, and 9…. I never said otherwise… i agree 110%
I never agreed with this behaviour… i think it amateur and unjust actually…
LOLOL… this made me smile… just for clarification.. whats the definition of hitting 30? is it like 29?
And to all the siingle brothers who ask for a good looking, obedient, intellectual, religious, modest, and funny sister…. holdon to your values and to what you need man… inshaAllah she will eventually come to you… (better be good enough for her tho)
haytham
FYI Tom Cruise isn’t handsome
!@Samira So now we are discussing the physical factors of Hollywood actors, on a Muslim blog, when it’s Ramadan! SubhanAllah.
@MuslimMatters I wish there was a way to automatically detect futile arguments in the comment threads for the admins to block the continuation.
I don’t think it’s haram. Is it? You don’t have to be all weird about it. ** Ramadan Kareem!
“Very interesting question. I am looking for a wife that will please my eyes. Is that a problem? Whats the big deal if I ask about her eyes to be a certain color, her age to be a certain age..etc? This is what I want…. why is that looked down upon?”
I know this old but I just had to reply.
I am looking for a husband who can provide me with basic necessities, because dropping my 3 month old off at the daycare center to be bottle fed by careless workers on my way to work doesn’t appeal to me. This is what I want…. why is that looked down upon?
I’m already married, just illustrating. I don’t have any problem with a man wanting an attractive wife, but you need to be realistic and understand why women and their parents need a husband who is financially stable, and not shoot for the stars while you want them to overlook everything about you that is less than ideal. You have a right to have a standard… and so do they.
Sr. Safiya… jazaki Allahu khayran for your reply … better late than never
My point was, i want to wake up in the morning enjoying looking at my wife. When I come home from work, I would like to enjoy looking at her and being with her. I am not saying that she has to fit a certain measurements or a super model.. matter of fact, a lot of brothers arent in to this stuff…. i m just saying that I have to preserve her as beautiful, how ever that is defined is a totally relative to the individual. That is all.
Tom Cruise is Ugly
yo is not normal for sisters to ask brothers that question……..when they see a lot of their common friends getting married….
try living on a remote island alone for like a year…..you’ll defintiely learn how to cook…even biryani…..
@amad…..you’re just making it worse for Haytham……and making my life on this island eventful….thanx….see u at TDC or no?
@Haytham……check my facebook profile pic tonight lol
Hahahaha… mashaAllah to the brother that posted this. May Allah reward you. It’s really funny reading it though because we sisters have differnet point of view.
poor haytham… haha
i think anonymouse’s comments were a little harsh. Most guys (at least my friends) are not like that!!!
Id be interested in reading a similar post from the pov of a single sister… It can even be anonymous (if haya issues come into play)….
ws
Nice article Haytham, I especially liked the “Finally, Our view about our own insecurities” part, it’s rarely talked about.
MashaAllah.
Amad – that pic is hilarious
Anonymouse – Right on!
—
As a young Single Brother, i would still say that many brothers gotta ‘man up’
Many brothers have the self-pity attitude towards marriage,
“oo it’s so hard because of this Western culture”
“my parents don’t understand, wa waa”
if you want to get married, Do Something!
Be and Behave in a mature manner, educate yourself about managing finances and wealth building, learn about marriage and women etc and most importantly make du’a to Allah to guide you to what is best and keep you away from what may be harmful (even if you think it’s beneficial)
In general tho, there are more sisters than brothers looking to get married.
so i guess we can go for somebody out of our level
Take care,
Nahyan
i’m not a sister…..
but….
i agree with AnonyMouse……
not all brothers are like that…..how come u never asked me these questions? Am i really that weird Haytham?
I am always curious why an awsome brother like Haytham is still umarried? If I had a daughter or sister needed to get married, I would have not thought twice marrying her to Haytham.
What Hytham described is more or less what all brothers feel or need. But most of them would be willing to marry less than that if high priority requirements are met. And also it is not necessary that you know everything about your wife before marriage, so you may have to ignore some aspects after marriage if they are not there. And lack of them may not necessary make them bad, so ignore them. Life is not perfect, wife is not perfect and not you (husband) are perfect.
That was my mom’s comment, LOL – hence the “UmmZainab” (in case you guys missed the announcement, Zainab = AnonyMouse!)
O subhan Allah…. I didnt know that…. I thought I was talking to a peer…. please ask her to forgive me.. for I dont dare to talk to my elders like that….
My apologies.
Funny yet beneficial article, it’s always nice to hear from a brother’s point of view about this kind of stuff. I’d like to see a similar article from a sister’s point of view as well..
Also, to Sr. Anonymouse’s post, I don’t think that all brothers are like that, and I really hope not either(what with the xbox and staying out all night?!?!!!), but i suppose your frustration about this sort of stuff is coming from something. I just would like to say that hopefully I think some brothers, at least religious ones (not wanna be), know that you have to be mature when you wanna get married. And even if they’re not, they’ll learn when they are.
I just think that the post should be directed for a certain group of people who think like that, because not all people are like that.
Now for the westernized yet traditional thing, I really think that the brothers need to step back for a second and figure out what is realistic and what isn’t. I mean, I think they’re saying it in a manner of the best of both worlds, but even then, it’s HARD if you have many many expectations like that. I also think that if a young woman is okay with marrying a man who’s ‘near’ 30, then so be it. I actually think that it’s better for women to have older men ONLY BECAUSE they would be a bit more mature for them considering how women are always like that from the start. This doesnt’ mean that all older men should always look for the younger women, then where does that leave the women their age?!! Nevertheless, I believe that if you don’t have that many exxpectations and don’t want a beauty queen, then you should be okay and besides, I think that some people would figure it out after looking for a while, that they may have to look at themselves before asking about all of this. If they have all of it, then alhamdulillah good for ya!
One last point from Sh. Yaser Birjas, remember, marriage is like a business, if you’re not in the business, don’t advertise.
I think a guy being a Chef Ramsey would be horrible because that man has a terrible attitude and a potty-mouth. But I see what UmmZainab was saying.
“If I donno how to cook and she doesnt know how to cook… who is going to cook for us? The Jinn in the house? Just curious .. ”
If a couple finds themselves in this situation (and both are busy with work/school, not with one person staying home all day) I guess both will have to print out some recipes from allrecipes.com and get to cooking.
Ooops, I thought I was talking to the real anonymouse, please forgive me.
I think someone needs to post something for the sisters.
in that case i agree with Umm zainab…..
a lot fo brothers are really all about their Halo Tournaments and whatever……it;s sad but true……….
i ask him that everyday…..
it is from Allah’s Wisdom…..imo…..
someone special, somewhere, sometime – hopefully int he near future….
Brother Haytham may allah swt make this path to completing half your deen successful for you and may you soon be writing a post about the married life from a perspective of someone who is in the “business”. Ameen.!
Of course it’s not a problem…. if you want to stay single all your life. Nothing wrong w/ having preferences, but when you’re so worked up over the details… well, let’s just put it this way: the Hoor al-Ayn are in Jannah, not on earth!
Many, many shuyookh have said this, and I reiterate it: do not just have the “intention to change” after marriage for the wife, start changing NOW. Try to be the person you want to marry.
It makes sense, but we’re talking about real life here, right? Not gonna happen. No matter where you come from, you WILL have cultural baggage… in fact, you may have even more if you’re an ABC-whatever (Anglo-Born-Confused-whatever) than if you come from one other cultural background only, ‘cuz having “the best of both” inevitably means you’re going to have some of the “not-so-great” of both.
Let’s put it this way: if you’re already a senior at university/ uni graduate… are starting to develop that pot belly… are getting a little thin around the top… no way are you going to land yourself a pretty young’un between the ages of 16-20 something. Be realistic, guys – most girls don’t dream of marrying someone who looks like their uncle! (Or God forbid, their father!)
Yup, hold onto those ideals… if you want to stay single for the rest of your lives (laa samahAllah).
Brothers, seriously – I find it ironic that you complain so much about immature demanding sisters, when in reality YOU are the ones being immature and demanding. There’s nothing wrong with having preferences, but please remember that wives are people, not cars. You cannot get them custom-ordered.
I also find it amusing that amongst my friends and I (all aged 19 and under), we’ve been dreaming about marriage for a while now – and reading over your list reminds me of what we used to think a year or so ago. But now, alHamdulillaah, we’ve all matured and come to terms with reality. We are not sitting around waiting for jaw-droppingly-handsome successful wealthy students of knowledge; we’re looking for a real man who doesn’t have to be perfect, but is just good enough to be a good husband.
Now, if we teens can come to this realization, if only the brothers who already in their 20s and 30s would realize this also!
salam alaikum
i think you’re aking your point of view to the extremes. brother haytham put forth his point of view and i am sure that he or the other single brothers is not expecting cent percent results. its just what they wish for, and there is no harm in wishing… and dua for what they think is what they are looking for.
BTW, where are all the other married brothers and sisters? (I can hear Umm AnonyMouse typing away upstairs; she needs some company now… Amad… UmmReem… Siraaj…
)
Oh, and be careful – UmmAM is in the matchmaking biz… don’t make her mad, or she won’t find you a wife!
Do you think that all this list has to be met 100%? Do you really think of us brothers to be that naive? Come on now…
As for the hints about the immaturity and all that…. i find it pretty odd that you can see such things in my post. It was clear that I am showing a point of view of single brothers ….doesnt make them immature.. I think you are reading this post with extreme biases…
As for saying you will be alone for the rest of your life if you keep picking and choosing whom you want or if you set a certain preference.. i find that absurd… subhan Allah… he is not buying and old computer.. he is getting married…. forever… inshaAllah
I know some people who have been trying to marry for five years and have been unsuccessful. The problem nowadays is that men and women do not understand their roles and their reasons to get married.
I hate the parents convincing part. I am single and anyone who gives a slight bit of comments on how much you make etc. is instantly rejected unless his daughter is worth the trouble.
I have heard from many brothers why should I even get married? Why? Whats the point if I have to put up with this and then at the end I have to put up with other stuff? They say this with full honesty that they see no point in getting married. Guys parents demand too much, girl’s parents demand too much and then the girl demands too much. So whats the point?
I agree with the single brothers 100%.
Either fix yourselves and humble yourselves or deal with fornication, depression and corruption. Marriage has become a playful joke to people.
The “Muslims” have made it so hard to get married, that the average single Muslim guy thinks of doing Haram then getting married. Why? Because its easier, faster and has no strings attached. According to one brother, “Dude, I will just repent afterwards.” Halal way is like walking on burning coal.
And all of us are responsible for not getting our youth(s) married on time. Don’t create materialistic or unpragmatic barriers for them. Be realistic, not idealistic. Like the article says if this problem is not fixed now, we will see a huge disaster in the coming years. It doesn’t matter wether we choose to ignore it or deal with it, this problem is going to be aggravated if proper measures are not taken.
My dear brothers & sisters
No offence taken at all. Plus because I’m a mother of teens believe me I’m not an elder. Lets just say I have a few yrs to go before I ‘m even 40.
Please no need to appologise for your views.
Getting back to the topic, seriously I’m surprised that even though you’ve taken ALL the courses on the topics of Love & Marriage with the respected shuyookh it seems that only selected lessons stuck.
I’m not trying to be hard only hoping to make the brothers see reality as in REAL life. The only other option is not only illegal but not an option,ie. having the respected Shuyookh knock some common sense & reality check into the heads of the young brothers & I don’t think they’ll agree to that in their classes. ;|
Like I said I have a fair amount of experience in this area & most of those bros who had similar requirements as you have stated are still single .
To answer:
Nobody’s looking down , it’s your personal choice BUT reality is it ain’t going to be! Something’s gotta give.
SubhanAllah…I know I’m over using the word ‘reality ‘ but do you have sisters? Ask almost any young sister & they want a brother to be physically attractive ie.slim no pot bellies, excersize regularly, nicely kept beard & well dressed & mannered as well as know how to romance her. Honestly none of them even want a Tom cruise..ewww
She’s not going to initially have all the qualities either BUT will be looking for the most important ones to her in a husband & I can tell you 99% of the time she doesn’t expect the husband to have all the qualities. As long as they’re both willing to work on attaining them together.
Not all muslim girls have this thinking especially IF they are taught the fundamentals of what is required of them & their roles & duties as a wife. A good mother WILL burst her bubble & let her know that she is going to have to make the biggest sacrifice. Insha’Alalh khair..I hope you find the ‘model’ you’re looking for but it’s going to be a looong wait, dear brother.
This will be my last comment on this subject & we can all agree to disagree,alhamdulilaah.
UmmZainab
haytham got offended…….
anyway i heard this brother say he wants a wife that’s been previously possesed by a jinn…..so he can tlak her about jinn stories but this time it will be liek a first hand experience…..
it was one of those nights YQ mentions – two things when brothers start talking about and the night will never end – Jinns and Marriage – well this was oen where the two came together…..
“As for the hints about the immaturity and all that…. i find it pretty odd that you can see such things in my post. It was clear that I am showing a point of view of single brothers ….doesnt make them immature.. I think you are reading this post with extreme biases…
As for saying you will be alone for the rest of your life if you keep picking and choosing whom you want or if you set a certain preference.. i find that absurd… subhan Allah… he is not buying and old computer.. he is getting married…. forever… inshaAllah”
I agree!
Why are we pointing fingers?
In the name of Allah, The God of mankind
Why young muslim men want to get married
Simple
We like women: gentle, kind, beautiful, soft
We want to physically touch: Hold hands and more*
We have emotional feelings that need to be directed to someone
We really want children
and Allah knows best
Honestly it’s the same thing over and over again brother haytham. here are the same arguments
Guys:
1. I wanna get married, but don’t have money, i’m in college and i’m afraid they’ll say no.
2. I wanna get married, but I’m not Superman.
3. I wanna get married, but I have some debt
4. I wanna get married, but I have to take care of my mother and sisters hate mother in-laws for some reason
5. I wanna get married, but I wanna go overseas and study
It’s even worse when there’s a combination of the points.
Then it’s the sisters response of “Well you’re a guy, step up and don’t be a baby”. Only problem is most sisters have no clue what it feels like to be rejected, so to the sisters that say this and complain about not being married, why don’t YOU STEP UP AND NOT BE A BABY.
Then the same recycled points that sisters have about not being married:
1. Not enough men.
well really it’s only that point, but here’s what the sisters mean when they say there aren’t enough “men”
Not enough rich men
Not enough hunkymen
Not enough men with secular degrees
Not enough men that are good enough for my overprotective parents
Not enough men that fit my description
I apologize for any offence that my comments may have caused; however, I stick by them.
Yes, I do understand that this is the point of view of many single brothers, because my parents regularly (try to) help singles in the community get married. And, unfortunately, the reality is that many brothers DO think this way – having unrealistic and yes, immature, ideals – and so reject the many good available sisters that are pretty much offered to them on a silver platter.
This isn’t to say that sisters don’t have issues of their own, but here we’re focusing on brothers… right?
In any case, I think everyone looking to get married should be obligated to take Sheikh Yaser Birjas’s Fiqh of Love and Love Notes courses or at least buy the CDs of the lectures – masha’Allah, they’re excellent and should give them a clue about how to go about spouse-searching and what to expect in the future as well.
If man were to live life in all its parallels
He would ask you all to marry him
Boy, don’t I know about that…!
No wonder all these brothers are still single…
@ UmmZainab….may Allah put more barakah in your life.. ameen…
Where did I suggest in my post the “single brothers” will not go after something that doesnt meet their top criteria?
Unfortunately for the next generations the response isn’t going to be “Why aren’t you married brother?” but rather it’ll be “Why are you dating and committing zinah?”
It’s getting harder and harder to get married, and easier and easier to commit zinah and masturbation. May Allah protect us and our offspring. Ameen.
I saw an interesting video yesterday – signs a brother needs to get married (on maniacmuslim.com). They left out a sign for everyone – people who can’t stop talking about marriage
Once you get married, unless you’re in a frustrating relationship, the last thing you want to do is REHASH all the stuff you kept repeatedly learning over and over again.
I had some pretty hairy experiences (and that’s saying something, coming from me) before I finally married. I had a ridiculously long list of things I wanted, and some people had the same for me. Wanna make it simple? Try this:
1. Physical Attraction – self explanatory
2. Compatible Deen AND Character (good practice, good khuluq, and matching “group” orientation [if you're hardcore about something])
3. Compatible long term goals – future plans are ok with one another
4. Chemistry – this comes naturally during the meeting phase
If that all works, get married. Don’t worry about money and jobs, those will come, insha’Allah.
Siraaj
Here’s a question for the sisters AND their mother/fathers:
If a guy in college asked to marry your daughter and they live separately until graduation, would you say yes if everything else was fine?
to answer datguy’s question: nope, never.
i was surprised this wasnt on our view of prospective wife:
mahr less than 20 dollars……
Why is that?
I felt very uncomfortable reading the first part and then stopped reading.
I don’t know if it was the marriage part or the reason for marriage.
Ah well, *walks away talking about how Barack Obama is a Muslim*
datguy: assuming everything else was fine, yes…in fact, I would want my daughter/son to just have their nikkah done for sometime before they start living together…that is an awesome phase of life…
baiscally it means that she be:
* eastern when it comes to obedience, cooking, cleaning, ironing clothes, serving in laws, taking care of the children, being hospitable to the guests (sisters feel free to add to this list plz!)
*western when it comes to taking care of herself, dressing up, working out etc. and running errands outside like taking the car to the workshop, taking care of bills etc.
*eastern humbleness when it comes to giving up the argument and letting the husband “win” and just say that he was right and she didn’t know
*western confidence of handling the situation on their own without necessarily getting the husband involved (saving him from another headache and responsibility)
so really this is not asking much…just a combination of both cultures right? a “selective” combination!
it is funny how brothers start their list sometimes…”i am not looking for much in a sisters cuz i’m a simple person”…ahem…sure and i have a word document open cuz i know that the list will be long….and then after he finishes the list he adds, “that’s all i’m looking for” and i say to myself…so what’s left?!
single guys are looking for a “package”…the problem is that sisters are not produced in “packages”, so the single brothers should enjoy their single life until they stop looking for the “perfect package”…and yes i am into matchmaking business so i can say that form experience and frustration!!
Why? Because it’s ridiculous, if they get married, they should live together, it’s not good to delay it and act in a way that is like dating in the sense that they won’t live together, but they’ll talk and go out and do whatever they want. At least that’s my own view on things, and it also happens to be what my parents think. What’s the point of not living together? Financial reasons? If you want to delay living together till after graduation then delay the whole marriage till after graduation too.
that’s what she said…..
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart…
but the very next day, you took it away…
this year to save me from tears, ill give it to haytham.
i don’t get why some ppl are being mean?
Welcome back Wham! In the meantime Danish, the rest of your clones are about to go BLAM!
Siraaj
I believe only brothers alone would understand this post. I have given up on the sisters.
Clash of the genders is all this is.
@ Anonymouse – THANKS for speaking on behalf of all SINGLE sisters in their late 20′s and early 30′s.
I have come across just about everything and I think you spoke for soooo many of us practicing muslim sisters who just don’t get it….really
I have seen it ALL literally and nothing surprises me anymore.
@haytham – there is nothing wrong with wanting someone who is attractive. and yes girls want it tooo. from experience, we will bend on the physical aspect if there is something else attractive about the person in our eyes…good manners, personality, good sense of humor. But our decision doesn’t begin and end on the picture. anonymouse set it best, if you are not soooo good looking then don’t ask or expect a hurayn. if you are not in shape, don’t expect a slim 18 yr old girl. Brothers need a reality check. unfortunately, many mothers don’t help either. BROTHERS, it doesn’t count if you’re mother thinks you are good looking….sorry i just had to say it.
The other thing that I have come across which is so distressing is that practicing brothers hiding their divorced status…not mentioning it ahead of time or presenting themselves as never married. Its shady. Eventually the truth surfaces and it doesn’t look good character-wise. Lying about age, legal status, and education is also something that is unacceptable. Some sisters/parents will consider someone who has a visa, a bachelors, someone older, someone divorced. Not everyone thinks the same way, let families decide.
Most brothers I find are confused, they are practicing Muslims who pray 5 x a day, fast, etc but don’t want someone who wears hijab. They want someone who is educated but someone who doesn’t want to work at all. They want someone who can carry an intellectual conversation but they don’t want someone opinionated that would dare I say argue. They want someone who is western (translation works out, likes to watch football, gets jokes) but not too much…she should cook biryani not spagetti.
Unfortunately, like many practicing sisters, I find the brothers who are not sooo practicing (ie not regular in basic pillars) more polite and well mannered. They don’t mind helping around the house, they don’t mind the wife wanting to work, they don’t mind that there is very little age difference, they don’t request 3 or 4 recent pictures, their 3rd question is not “can you cook” and lastly they are more patient.
Good luck Haytham….These are tips for you
1. When visiting a girl’s home, take something flowers, something sweet, anything…
2. Speak to the parents as well, on the phone and thank them for having you over for dinner esp. the mom.
3. If you are not interested, let them know whether u meet or its just exchanges of info over email….disappearing and not replying is UNISLAMIC. Parents of girls talk to other parents who are looking and people who help match make. Word gets around and disappearing/ not replying reflects on YOUR manners/character.
4. Don’t speak to several girls esp in the same city. Again word gets around!
5. Dragging things and taking someone for a ride is not cool. If you can’t decide after 3 or 4 months, then ahem its a NO. This actually applies to sisters as well.
6. Don’t let the first thing come out of your mouth beeee I wanna see a picture. No parent or sister wants pictures of her going around. So if you or your parent have to call to make an introduction, do it. SABR…you’ll get the picture and the parents will think you have manners.
Insha-Allah, May Allah SWT grant you a wife that is perfect for you….ameen.
If all the single muslim bro’s and sisters are posting here on MM, we should start a marriage service lol
this is so funny…i agree wit the bros n sisters…
haha
All jokes aside, there are too many generalizations going on. There are many different types of brothers just like there are many different types of sisters. The complaints about the gross generalizations are really not very productive, and only partially true. I know many great single brothers who are very ‘Real’ and ‘true men’ who still are unmarried and into their mid 20s now.
The biggest problem is networking and match making – especially when brothers (esp those who dont have sisters), and sisters (who dont have brothers) – dont have the best means of meeting and getting to know one another. At least thats what my (and most of my friends’) experience has been!
The sad reality is that practicing Muslim brothers know they are sought after esp. if they are raised in the West, educated, never married and have a descent job. They ask for sisters out of their league because the ratio is 4:1.
A tip I will give single brothers who are in the late 20′s or 30s is that if you actually want to get married…really want to, then look into the older sisters 25-35 yr bracket. The parents are more flexible. The sisters are more mature. They know how to cook, are well rounded because they have made the best of their time, they are educated, and most importantly they have learned to be patient by circumstances. They don’t have a young girl’s temper. They are not going to marry you for your money because they have their own. They have learned from married friends on how to deal with in-laws and how to create a happy marriage. And, most importantly they are going to appreciate you much more….my friends who have gotten married later were so much more together. They were truly ready.
thats true…..best comment hands down…..
major props to these brothers cuz they got soem patience too….
When I first read the title I couldn’t help but laugh, Haytham writing about marriage!
SubhanAllah! 70+ comments!
(Note to self: if you want a lot of comments write something that has to do with Doritos and Marriage.)
I dont get why people are attacking me as if I cursed them or something… this is crazy… especially that its coming from people I know..
Anyway …. its aight.. i edited all the “unwanted” comments that really had nothing to do with this article..
Also….please keep in mind that this is not necessary my own opinion… its the opinion of the people i talked to… please make that distinction..
As for those who PMed me privately talking about how is it that I am coming across as desperate to get married and all that… all I can say.. just rest assure alhamdulillah… if I want to get married tomorrow night …inshaAllah that can be arranged for…alhamdulillah…..so please back off with your ridicules comments..
People… my only intention behind this is to tackle a social issue… if you want to participate.. so be it.. if you dont want to… then follow the hadith of the prophet “Whoever believe in Allah and the final day, let him say good or stay silent.”
I dont mind people disagreeing with me… alhamdulillah I am a tolerant person with an open mind… but i mind people disrespecting me, MM, or anybody for that matter..
Do you like this place?
Do you really like it?
The truth is Allah has set bounds
The ones who care about those bounds
Comment on such places as Muslim matters
The ones who care less… Do you think they would show up?
If you have never had a women
Then Whatever Allah has decreed should be more than sufficient.
Food. Shelter. Clothes. Transportation.
If you can do this what are you waiting for?
If you dont have this. Start communicating with Allah
Practice and get very good at making VERY tight knots
Again do you like Dunya?
It is a prison. Complete your faith(half) and move on
Nobody really wants to be here longer than they have to
A slave is a property on loan… soon to be returned
May Allah grant his slaves the Want for truth
As salaam walaikum,
I have to agree with Raheel#2 (the initial post), UmmAnonyMouse, AnonyMouse and Umm Reem’s comments. MashaAllah they were very wise.
I agree that one always looks for the best qualities in their spouse but it is also important to make sure we have the same qualities.
If you are looking for deen, then make sure you are practicing and constantly improving yourself.
If you are looking for education, then make sure you are educating yourself as well.
If you are looking for good looks, then make sure you keep yourself fit, healthy and have good hygiene.
If you are looking for a good personality, then make sure you are also working on yours while getting rid of the bad habits.
Basically, if you have certain expectations from your spouse then make sure that your spouse can expect the same from you. It’s good to know what you want but we also have to differentiate what we want from what we need. It’s also good to have an idea of what you can be flexible about.
PS: This is directed at all single Muslims, including myself.
To all singles out there, start cherishing your freedom. Be happy that you are not married, think of Ibn Taymyyah and other awsome scholars who did not marry, and when you start enjoying being single, bam! Allah will test you by getting you married.
Sometimes I think, if I would have been better off not marrying at all. And I say that a man may live without wife, but can not live without children. I mean children are the best number 1 outcome of marriage. Nothing beats it, everything else is secondary to it.
By the way, do you single guys consider marrying divorced or widow sisters? I mean personally I had target thinking, if I am not going to get married by 30, I should be open to such sisters.
Hmm, I am 30 now, and I am open to marrying a divorced or widow sister.
By the way I have just one wife right now, so I am still single in other 3 counts.
Nothing is wrong with being to picky with your choice when it comes to marriage. I mean like Haytham your picking someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with and not a playdate.
I also believe sisters are more picky than brothers. I know many sisters that won’t even consider a brother that is married, I mean come on. Who are we to say no to them? Also I know some brothers that are looking for a beautiful sister when they themselves aren’t all that good looking. I don’t think you should be too picky when it comes to looks if you are not good looking yourself. It’s only fair.
Something I hate a lot is when the brother is 25 and up, but won’t even consdier if the sister is 23, they’re looking for 20 year old sister. What is wrong with a 23 yrs old? nothing.
Brother Haytham thank you for posting this. InshaAllah we’re all making dua that you settle down soon, then you can write about all the good things about marriage
Salam,
As a single brother, i concur with Br. Haytham for the most of it, though i might have different order or different preferences.
With respect, I do not agree with some of UmmAnonymouse concerns. Aren’t we allowed to have some expectations?, aren’t we allowed to expect best for us?, Aren’t we allowed to search best for us? (well, at times we might not be successful, still would it be better to search, may be you share the realistic, and we might still dwell in idealistic).
Isn’t it better to have some expectations/concerns rather than clueless in deciding the matters of matters that affects here and hereafter?
I also do not understand, why some of us against someone getting married to younger girls, while our Prophet (SAW) himself suggested a sahaba Jabir (RA) to get married to an younger one?… (Jabir (RA) married an mature (i prefer this word better than “older” to make sisters feel better
) Source: Bukhari: V 3, Book 034, Hadith Number 310.
@ Respectful Sr. UmmReem ( my respect increased more for her after reading her post on Raising Children in the West).
Is it wrong to have better (if not best) of both cultures?, “eastern humbleness” and “western confidence, i thought some of us were advocating for our children to have the qualities of best of both cultures. Are we taking u-turn now when it comes to reality?.
Jazakallahu Khairan for everyone.
For those who were looking for sister’s POV, you can access here (these were a priori and post discussions of podcast of Sh. Yaser Birjas)
The Marriage Revolution
There is much more than Sister’s POV.
Haha, the list of 10 is exactly the same as mine, probably in that exact order too lol.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with marrying a younger girl. I myself like to marry someone who’s at least 5 yrs older, but the question is are you marrying for the right reasons when you look for a girl that is 4 yrs younger than you? Many brothers say oh the prophet (saw) did it that’s why we want to do it. You are not like him so you should never compare yourself to the prophet no matter what. You need to follow the sunnah and the quran before you can even say you want to marry a younger sister because the prophet did it.
I know some brothers that don’t even pray and say they want more than one wife because you want to be like the prophet. I say this is just making excuses. I have nothing agaisnt brothers that want to marry a younger sister or more than one wife, but first make sure your following the sunnah of the prophet.
Please don’t attack me
Bismillah.
Br. Haytham, jazak Allah khaire for writing about this and I’m sorry that some people were attacking you when clearly, you were just expressing the opinions of brothers in general.
On a side note, I would like to point out to the world all my ‘dark skinned’ sisters, all my ‘overweight’ sisters, all my ‘short’ sisters, all my sisters who have “physical flaws” (a large nose, crooked eyes, bushy eyebrows, acne, etc, etc). These sisters have feelings too and they deserve the best just like anyone else.
I can’t speak for other than Desi folks, because they are the ones obsessed with “fair skinned, tall, beautiful” girls…..to them, anything less than that is considered ugly and not acceptable for marriage. It’s sad but you know it’s true.
I don’t only blame brothers, but I also blame some of the MOTHERS of these brothers who feed these ideas of their interpretation of “beauty” into their heads. It’s not fun to be rejected simply because of your looks. And yes, even though I feel one has to be somewhat attracted to their potential spouse, where will these sisters go? Who will marry them? And what do you think their future consists of other than rejection, depression, and an extremely low self esteem? This is why you see so many sisters, even practicing sisters, obsessing over their looks! They go to extreme lengths to become “fair and lovely” just to be accepted in society nowadays. They are becoming sick and unhealthy with the way they diet, the way they try to shed the pounds, spend excess of money getting hair treatments, nose treatments, skin treatments, and some brothers will still reject them because they aren’t “beautiful” enough. Don’t brothers GET IT? It’s because of them that these kinds of things go on in the world of women! You are the cause of their depression! You’re taking them away from their Deen and making them focus on these superficial things just to help them find a decent brother. Subhan Allah.
That’s what makes me sad….as I’m sure extreme hurt feelings are rampant amongst MANY of our sisters in society. And like someone said, the Hoor Al Ayn are in Jannah, so don’t go around thinking they exist here on Earth as well. If these sisters who aren’t considered “beautiful” don’t get married, what kinds of problems do you think will happen as time goes on??
And remember, if a brother DOES get a beautiful wife, keep in mind that beautiful women tend to be a bit arrogant sometimes because they know they look good. They can use that beauty as a weapon against you! I’m sure many of you know what I’m talking about. And then there’s that fear of the guy becoming so OVERLY protective of her because she’s better looking than him!!! Same thing goes for the good looking guy—sisters, do you not think he knows that he’s good looking and that he can find a 2nd, 3rd, or 4th wife without you even knowing it? Do you not see the conceit behind a good looking brother, just the way he carries himself, the way he “flirts” with the cashier or waitress? It’s pretty common….and sad to say, even amongst the more practicing of Muslims.
Your looks are only going to last so long….as time goes by, we’ll all acquire wrinkles, gray hair or even loss of hair, etc, etc….soooooo
may Allah help us overlook the faults and minor flaws in our spouses and to truly fill our hearts for love for who they are.
I assume your wife doesn’t read MM.
Bro Haytham,
You are awesome. You are like my twin, haha.
My sisters are also up in arms when I talk about what I want in a wife.
The way I see it is that living in the West, us Muslim guys only get one wife. And unlike Non-Muslims, we aren’t allowed to date. So we are “stuck” with only one girl for our entire lives. Add on top of that, we aren’t even allowed to LOOK at other girls, which is what most Non-Muslim guys do for a good part of their day…of course they do much worse than that, but this is a family board.
My point is that we get 1 girl, and I sure as heck am not going to compromise on this. HECK YEAH I want a drop-dead gorgeous girl; I want her to be so gorgeous because unlike other guys, I have to lower my gaze. She has to be so good looking that I don’t need to look at anyone else.
I honestly feel like I’ve *earned* it (although of course it is all from the Mercy of Allah [swt]). But my point is that I’ve worked hard not to fornicate when all my friends and guys I knew were doing that. I’ve also worked hard in school, and quite frankly, I feel a bit entitled.
And let me tell you, bro Haytham, don’t let the haters get to you: don’t compromise! Hold out insha-Allah! My cousin is 29 years old; he’s a dentist…he held out for years and years…everyone kept saying he is way too picky… And by the way, he is not THAT amazing looking (but he’s not bad at all either)…..in the end, he just got engaged to some girl who (from what I hear of course) is drop dead. Well worth the wait is what my mom said.
This idea that you must be everything that you wish in a wife is ridiculous. Just because a guy demands a gorgeous wife does not mean that he has to be Prophet Yousuf [as] in looks. Trust me, a nice degree and a huge paycheck makes the above average looking guy look better than the amazing looking truck driver. I give you the example of my cousin.
As for what Sister Anonymouse said that you can’t expect to be near 30 years old and expect a 16 year old, why not? I am nowhere near 30 but I honestly find it strange that girls who are 17 would turn their noses up at a 26 year old proposing to them, even though those same girls are desperate when they turn 23.
Anyways, I think the hardest part is to find a girl who is BOTH attractive AND has haya. I’ve found tons of girls who are one but not the other. Finding the combination seems to be like finding Big Foot.
But we shall not give up! We shall persevere! And insha-Allah we will SUCCEED !!!! YA ALLAH, MAKE ISLAM VICTORIOUS AND ALSO GIVE ME A BEAUTIFUL AND HAYA-FUL WIFE!!!! AMEEN.
MashaAllah, UmmSakeenah may Allah reward you for posting this. I agree with everything you said.
And about the fair skin and tall skinny we also have it in my community. I can speak for east africans because I am from there. If your fair, tall and skinny mashaAllah you’ll get a lot of proposals, even if you don’t practice the religion and your not wearing hijab, the only thing that matters for them is your looks.
I blame the mothers and brothers, because you can talk to your mother and make her understand being fair, skinny and tall is not important. Brothers are afraid to talk to their parents about important marriage so they just let mummy to find their wives and they accept whomever they bring. That’s shame and this should never be the case. Find your own wife, your a man.
Alhumdulilah I know many sister that turned down proposals because they found out the only reason the proposals were coming was their looks. Brothers shouldn’t discrminate against any sister because of their looks. Also this goes for sisters as well. I know many sisters that won’t look at a guy if he’s shorter than them. I use to be one of these sisters, but alhumdulilah not anymore. This is reminder to everyone including mself.
Bro Haytham, I’ve figured out why we can’t find suitable matches. See, all this time we’ve been looking for a suitable sister to marry…but this is the error. We shouldn’t look for a girl but instead for a bio-engineer. You know, so he can bio-engineer a girl for us, like test tubes and stuff…by the time they perfect the technology, it would still save us time if we just kept looking for the perfect musleemah.
LOL… Good luck with your search J
InshaAllah do let us know when you find a muslim sister that practices and looks like Angelina jolie
I do not believe this. Sorry.
Cmon, there must be another reason.
And for my desi brothers Aishwarya Rai
Masha’Allah brother Haytham your really good at writing about marriage and this kind of stuff. We’ll make dua for you. I remember your posts on your blog and getting on our nerves
J believe it or not that was the case. It happened in my community, I would know. Looks more importantly.
Oh and also they knew how cook
Yes, it is sad, if by sad you mean awesome.
Actually she does not, so I have to say all these things verbally.
Isn’t the American Muslim divorce rate like @ 50-60% nowadays (I have heard Dr. Ingrid Mattison say 50% and Imam Suhaib Webb say 60% in the past year)
Kind of scary.
(sorry I’ll quit being the half-empty type now)
She is too busy in the kitchen.
Single brothers in west should travel to muslim lands and would be able to get their demands. They would easily find very beautiful obedient wife, and she may not be like super religious or scholar like our al-maghrib sisters, but it is easy to get them over board. They become what you want them to be.
If that is no longer the case (its been a while since I went east), then I suggest time traveling machine.
Sr. Naeemah, I believe you. You know why? Because us sisters aren’t some pieces of meat where we are only judged by how nice our “cut” is, how “lean” our bodies are, or how “tender” our skin must feel! COME ON!! We are more than that and for someone to pick us simply because we look good leads us to believe that that’s all brothers care for.
Someone mentioned how men will never understand women and that’s a fact that you just can’t ignore brothers! Whether you accept us because we’re beautiful or reject us because we’re unattractive, either way, you’re not going to win us over!
MashaAllah… Your amazing sister Umm Sakeenah, you couldn’t have said it better, shabash
Bismillah.
“Single brothers in west should travel to muslim lands and would be able to get their demands. They would easily find very beautiful obedient wife, and she may not be like super religious or scholar like our al-maghrib sisters, but it is easy to get them over board. They become what you want them to be.”
Br. Hassan, this IS the problem! This is why so many sisters here in the US are sitting around approaching their 30′s because brothers keep importing their wives! This topic can go on and on and on…..it’s a never ending debate……subhan Allah.
I would have to respect Br. Haytham’s stance on this one because that shows a level of maturity in his approach because he realizes the need for the sisters HERE who aren’t getting married. Br. Haytham, may Allah help you achieve your goals. Ameen.
Bro, I can’t get the stupid flux capacitor thing to work!!! Whenever I reach 88 mph, it just resets!
On a serious note, one of the major problems I see is that there is a dramatic imbalance between the Muslim guys and sisters in America…the guys are mostly bums, whereas the girls are excelling in academics, getting all sorts of advanced degrees. And it is well known, most guys don’t like marrying girls smarter than them, and most girls don’t like marrying bums.
If this is the problem, then why cant sisters in west be like sisters in east? And you know may be I am saying it because I am what they call FOB (immigrant basically), so I feel more compatible culturally from someone back home. Now if brother is west is perfectly fine with sisters in west culturally, then they can go ahead with that.
Secondly sisters should try to import husbands too.
Have you tried reversing the polarities?
Yeah, there was muslimmatters article on it as well. And this surprises me, because most of the people I know, close friends or people from masjid are highly educated, atleast Masters degree or even PhD. But all of them are immigrants. I do not know much about local people.
I am not sure about importing husbands. Sisters in the west don’t want brothers from back home, because they won’t understand one another. FOBs are ok as long as they understand the way thing are in the west. But to be honest I am not sure if I would get along with a brother that was born and raised back home.
As for brothers that marry sisters from back home, they’re doing this because they want someone to control. Brothers can’t handle sisters in the west because they know if the sister is educated, practices her religion they can’t do whatever they want with her. So instead of getting married to sisters here that will stand up for her rights they’ll look for someone that’ll do everything they want them to do. So best of luck brothers.
And best of luck to sisters who want to be authoritative and imposing..
Bismillah.
Naeemah, I only say it because I’ve gone through many proposals in my day and I’m quite frankly sick and tired of the attitudes that are displayed by some brothers. And not to attack Br. J….but don’t be mistaken in thinking that brothers are the only ones “entitled” to a “gorgeous” wife because they’ve “earned” it. Sisters also feel the same because most of us have also stayed away from the fitna of boys from middle school all the way up to college….we’ve never dated, had babies with or ran away with some non Muslim guy. We worked hard to educate ourselves and feel just as entitled to a have a great husband. We maintain our haya, keep our modesty, take care of our parents and have earned it just as much as our counterparts.
By the way sisters back home are educated and they practice their religion very well, and part of it would be to obedient to their husband, not selective.
Br. Hassan, all I am saying is both sisters and brothers have to compromise for each other’s sake. I have nothing against anyone brother as long as he fears Allah and will be a good husband and father, that’s all we sisters care abot to be honest. At least most of the sisters I know do. I’ll make dua for everyone.
@UmmSakinah,
Whether we agree or not, this is the reality, and this is what happening these days. We brothers or our parents are scared with the attitudes of our sisters in our community.
Last week, in our Islamic weekends school, a sister came to pick up some of her brothers or cousins. The way she carried herself (her dress and attitude) made the sheikh feel very uncomfortable. This made me feel think twice to consider few of my perpectives about our sisters. I do not want to paint a broad brush here, of course I have seen many well mannered and islamic sisters as well.
One thing i have observed over the years serving in MSA’s and in our local communities, reverted sisters are better in terms of deen and islamic values (that might goes well with brothers as well).
Allahu Azzawajal knows the best.
Brother Hassan, sister in the west are also educated, practice their religion and are obedient to their husband, not selective
I don’t know why brothers think sisters in the west aren’t obedient to their husbands. What gave them the idea?
Bismillah.
I don’t believe that sisters want to be authoritative and imposing, they just want to be heard and have their husbands take their opinions seriously. Which can be a problem since most guys want full control and feel as if no woman can threaten their position.
Of course, I can’t say this for all brothers. There are nice guys out there who are open minded, educated, and know their Deen well….(of course, they’ve taken tons of marriage classes and listened to every lecture on marriage out there!) which makes them the best suited man to become a husband. These are the rare gems that sisters need to seek out.
And I agree with Naeemah, sisters raised here in the West cannot import a husband from overseas. It just doesn’t work…unless of course you’re more inclined to that way of thinking and haven’t lived here in the US very long. But so many of my own friends, whose parents thought it best for them to get a husband from back home, have had failed marriages because they just don’t get along. Even something as simple as a joke made by the immigrant husband will not be understood well by the sister who was raised here. This goes deeper as the issues get more serious and both sides don’t know how to communicate their thoughts to each other.
then why having problems importing husbands or considering FOB’s?
Bismillah.
“Whether we agree or not, this is the reality, and this is what happening these days. We brothers or our parents are scared with the attitudes of our sisters in our community.”
@ Al Madrasi — If that’s the case, then what will become of these sisters? Will they have to live a life of singledom for the rest of their lives because brothers are too “scared” of them? Will they never take the time to understand where this sister is coming from instead of just rushing to judge them and label them as “so and so?”
Yes you are right, and believe me, I can not speak for evey guy, but obedient wives goes long way. I mean I can live with less attractive wife (btw my wife is perfectly fine look wise, she is not very intellectual, which is a plus, as I sometimes tell her, alhamdulillah you are not very smart, as no woman in right mind would marry me), but I can not live with disobedient wife. Simple is that. May be its cultural thing. I do not demand my wife to be scholar of islam, I do not mind if she gets little overweight, I do not mind if she is not super educated, at the end of day, all I want is fulfilling her islamic obligations to Allah, and to me by having a clean house, children taken care of, and a good food.
We just don’t understand one another. So it’s better to marry someone that was raised here. Like sister Umm Sakeenah said, marriages between sister from here and brothers from back home don’t work out. Even in my community, I know some sisters that did marry brohters from the East and they ended up divorcing, because they can’t understand one another.
I also know brothers that won’t consider the sister if she has an accent, so you see Hassan, it goes both ways. I know some brothers that won’t consider a FOB sister. It’s not only sisters. It goes both ways. So try and find out why this is the case with the brothers.
Funny story, I tried like 3-4 years with western sisters who were “practicing” and educated, but alhamdulillah I could clearly see their confronting attitudes and lack of interest in cooking and managing home. So I ended up marrying another FOB sister alhamdulillah.
I honestly think that it is because fob guys haven’t spiffed up yet, whereas fob girls have always been spiffed up. You see, traditionally guys never took care of their looks…it was only with this counter-culture revolution and all that when things started changing…so Muslim guys in America are just more spiffier (smoother) than their fob counterparts who “got no game”. On the other hand, because the traditional culture has always demanded the girls to be spiffy, the fob girls in Pakistan are up to par.
If you ask a sister “would you marry a fob”, the reaction is oftentimes “eewwww”…
If you ask a brother “would you marry a fob”, he will ask “is she hot?”
Yeah if western home grown brothers are perfectly ok with western home grown sisters, then thats awsome alhamdulillah. But as another brother mentioned, many still end up importing.
And it may have to do with mothers as well, I know few sisters that say, they would never marry their sons here, and would import wives.
Yeah, bro, there is a HUGE difference between guys in America and guys in Pakistan. The guys in America are largely bums, whereas in Pakistan I’ve met soooo many hardworking super-star students who excel in studies. But the problem like I mentioned in the previous post is that most of the fob guys are “uncouth”.
But to their credit, they are hardworking and successful, as opposed to most American bros who are “spiffed up” bums.
To add to my previous post, I think that sisters are also placing their expectations very high, in the sense that they do not want to marry a fob because they are “uncouth”, so they want an American guy who is both spiffed up AND excels in studies. And those kinda guys are in limited supply, which is why there is the 4:1 ratio we were discussing earlier, which by the way, would work out fine if guys could marry 4 in America. :p
“In general tho, there are more sisters than brothers looking to get married.
so i guess we can go for somebody out of our level”
I don’t know if this has been said, but this statement is false. There are way more brothers looking to get married than women. The are so many “FOB”‘s that have a very hard time getting married because Muslim women here look down on them. Also the below average (looks, wealth, height) brothers have a very hard time getting married. The reality is that most women (no matter how they look or personality) can get married but there are many brothers who go decades without the chance to marry or marry non-Muslims even though they really want to marry a Muslim. I feel so sorry for brothers as I have come to realize how hard it is for them to get married. Yes they do need to bring something to the table but so many sisters bring nothing and expect to be treated like queens while balking at having to to housework or taking care of their husband/children. I just make dua for you brothers that you find a good wife who will bring you sakinah, in todays culture its a very difficult task.
Sister, I never said otherwise!
I think that both guys and girls should not compromise when it comes to marriage, since you only get 1. Like someone said it’s not like buying a car. It’s more like buying a house. So you only get one. Why compromise, if you don’t need to?
Of course, most sisters *have* to compromise due to the 4:1 “crisis” (read: blessing).
Wow, there are a lot of hard working brothers from America too…
I don’t think there is anything wrong with importing wives and marrying brothers that are not FOBs
I don’t think there are more guys looking to get married than girls. It’s certainly the other way around, sister!
But I *do* agree that fobs have a hard time getting married, even if they are academically very successful. And that is because as I said, they are not “spiffed out”.
However, why don’t they just marry a fobstress?
If a guy is short and not that good-looking, he should just apply himself in school and get a nice degree…That’s the great thing about being a guy, woo hoo!
The hierarchy of rishtas is:
Beautiful girls (they are at the top)
Good looking guys with good degrees
Average looking guys with good degrees
Ugly looking guys with good degrees
Ugly looking guys who are bums
Ugly girls (nothing they can do can move them up the ladder unfortunately)
This division of rishtas in six is not a bidah btw; it’s just so we can understand the issue.
Fi Aman Allah
Could we not use the word FOB?
inshAllah
Ahhhh, that’s genius. Thanks, doc.
Ohhh crud, I forgot including fobs in my hierarchy
Lastly, you sisters are so naive and have such double standards.
Men can’t discriminate on looks but you can. How many of you sisters would marry a man 5 inches shorter than you, 100lbs overweight or with a facial deformity or a man who makes $15,000/yr. You wouldn’t. You constantly balk at “FOB”s because they dress or act “uncool” but men are supposed to feel guilty about wanting to be attracted to their mate.
You sisters need to realize that this is how Allah made men. Women care about money and being taken care of, men care about looks and their wives respecting them. The fact is that men are actually pretty open minded with looks, you just have to find a man who likes your looks. We women have it sooo easy and we don’t even realize it. Men on the other hand have to meet much higher standards, its just much tougher for them.
Ofcourse, I agree with the stand of brothers getting married to sisters here, indeed this should be encourage more. I do not think getting married to someone in backhome is a solution at all, as rightly pointed out by many of us here, this is going to create many more problems in the future (btw, most of our ummah are first generation muslims, if we let this continue happen, this is gonna create a chaos in our ummah in the generations to come).
But there are many factors that built into these problems that the parents and sisters needs to understand and work on it.
What I feel is, most of the sisters(or their parents) looking (and keep and keeeeeeeep looking) for a Mr. Right and also have excuse of studying and getting a career. By this time, they realized they (either sisters or their parents) have to change some of their attitudes, when they do change, they realize that they are now older, and its hard to find anymore.
Where as the brother’s case, they (brothers and their parents) also look for Ms. Right, if they have hard time finding one, they import one.
This is the problem for the imbalance, and i feel its unfair to criticize just the brothers, may be i could be wrong, but i do not think so
.
Btw, I have seen some american muslim brothers who finds non-muslim sisters and revert them to islam before marriage too.
We have many hurdles in our society for our brothers and sisters to find the right one.
On the other hand, FOBs (Fresh-On-Board or Fresh Off Boat or whatever) like me, who wouldn’t mind getting married to a sister here, but there are lot of issues
a) sisters and their parents are not very acceptable to this idea, simply they are scared (I do not blame them too)
even if you are a PhD or engineer
b) we do not have the right network
Allahu Azzawajal knows the best.
One thing that brothers also need to consider seriously, one day, you might have daughters born and brought up here and then you might be on the other side of the aisle (may be like our UMMs and IBNs
we might be defending the sisters side, Allahu Hakeem )
Well the statistics say otherwise, there are more Muslim men in the west than women. And trust me ugly women are above ugly, poor men. Usually ugly women can’t marry if they are looking to snatch up a doctor but if they settle for a lower middle class brother they can get married. Poor ugly men don’t have the option. I think you guys probably don’t know many poor men (or lower status) if you open your eyes to blue collar or service workers who are Muslim, who are maybe not smart enough to go to college, trust me they are not getting married unless they import someone. The only poor men who get married are usually good looking or have very dynamic personalities (ie daiees).
^^^ btw, even a PhD’s and engineer’s have hard time getting married, needless to mention about the poors
Akhee, there is ikhtilaf on this issue. I believe that ugly women are at the bottom. The reason is that ugly women will marry an ugly poor man, but an ugly poor man might balk at marrying an ugly overweight woman.
The POPULAR daiees are an exception: first of all, many of them in the west are not bums, but rather people who are smart…and they have the celebrity status attached to them. A lot of women would agree to be the 2nd, 3rd, or 4th wife of hamza yusuf, zaid shakir, etc.
Excellent post! :p
I personally know few daiees/scholars who have masha’Allah two wives.
Forget marriage.
Binary fission is the way to go.
Well I am an ukhtee, just to clarify this is coming from a womens point of view. The issue of polygyny further proves my point, a woman can marry a man of her choice even if he is married but men don’t have the option. Please do not feel sorry for us women, we have it so good and we don’t even realize it.
I can’t imagine what it is like as a man who will actually never have the chance to marry. I really don’t think people realize how many men will never marry no matter how much he lowers his standards, a woman would rather be in polygyny than marry many of these brothers.
J, u might be ‘successful according to worldly standards’ but your posts certainly do not reflect ‘good character & good manners’ which are two most important qualities to be looked out for in a spouse.
SubhanAllah, may Allah swt protect us all from marrying a wrong person! For sisters, Its better to wait or compromise, then to marry a supposedly successful & arrogant person.
This scenario is actually a reality in some cases.
It sounds unrealistic.
And it is a bit silly too. What else do girls think we marry them for? We certainly don’t get to know their personalities as we don’t date them. So if we’re not supposed to judge them by looks, what do you suggest? Yes, we should marry based on deen, but I’m thinking that the sister in question was probably religious. So I don’t see what the guy did wrong in that case.
And isn’t that a bit conceited of the girl? “Ooohhh, I’m soooo beautiful, that’s the only reason people want to marry me, sigh! What a predicament I am in! I wish I weren’t so beautiful…if only I could be like a normal person!”
I totally agree that gils/guys should not marry someone from back home…too much mentality and cultural difference which causes problems later on.
wow…i guess every man has his own priorities then and he should make sure that he defines to himself first what he is looking for and what is important for him…i know a few brothers who got married to very pretty girls and obedient form back home but now are “surviving” for the sake of kids because their wives don’t meet their “intellectual” standard, are not confident enough like western girls and they have no understanding and love at all…may Allah protect us from making such decisions….
good point…but let me burst your bubbles…even if a man gets married to the most beautiful looking woman on this face of earth, he will still be tempted to look at “other” women…may be not right after his marriage but once the drop-dead gorgeous looking woman becomes old (not old in age–but old in the sense of after 3-4 years)…then they want something “different”…and then you will be joining the group of all those brothers looking for another wife and then you will be objecting to why sisters do not want to get into polygymy….its a vicious cycle, sounds horrible doesn’t it?
Nevertheless, your point is valid and it brings me to a concern i have seen among unmarried sisters with religious inclination that there is nothing wrong in taking care of themselves…and it can be done along with seeking islamic education…we are living in a world where even a below average looking face can be turn into a pretty looking one…and overweight problem can be solved with workouts…
Is this the most commented article in MM history?
My point is that we get 1 girl, and I sure as heck am not going to compromise on this. HECK YEAH I want a drop-dead gorgeous girl; I want her to be so gorgeous because unlike other guys, I have to lower my gaze. She has to be so good looking that I don’t need to look at anyone else.
I honestly feel like I’ve *earned* it (although of course it is all from the Mercy of Allah [swt]). But my point is that I’ve worked hard not to fornicate when all my friends and guys I knew were doing that. I’ve also worked hard in school, and quite frankly, I feel a bit entitled.
@J – Your opinions really are quite disgusting. It shows that you are not very practicing in the statements that you make. May Allah SWT protect all the single sisters from the likes of you…..and we can tell when a brother is full of himself. I can’t think that any of the sahaba behaved or had your arrogance. So you are going to go through girls rejecting them left and right until you find someone drop dead. Just remember you may land that sister in this dunya, but you are going to stand before GOD one day accounting for what you did. So if you found a practicing sister, who had good character, descent looks, good personality and you rejected her because she wasn’t drop dead gorgeous then I trully believe that you are going to answer to God.
Hmm I am amazed at the amazement. I thought pretty much every man wanted that. Beauty and looks are temporary, obedience is for ever. Ofcourse it would not be bad to have intellectual wife and confident like western girls, but no body can be perfect. So I can live without these.
When you get married, most, if not all, of these discussions will seem so silly and irrelevant, you’ll realize they were probably rooted in sexual frustration.
Siraaj
Siraaj I would like to believe that overwhelming majority of sisters are not sexually frustrated (brothers take da crown for that one)
Exactly and once that sexual frustration is over, then the person is really thinking what he wants. So single brother should think about what they really want, and then look for that in spouse. So many times a marriage fail because the spouse may turn out not what they wanted really, but were just distracted initially by sexual frustration
sincethestorm, I completely agree with your comments. Sisters are much better off marrying an average joe then to marry a supposedly successful arrogant & conceited person.
I believe the same is true of unmarried sisters as well, but that will change with marriage. For men, it will reduce depending on the type of relationship, but the drive will pretty much remain unless there are other health issues to be addressed.
Siraaj
Hahaha. Wow you guys are to much
.
Do you have any healthy recipes on your blog?
I believe I do. What are you looking for?
The blog is new, so we don’t have that much. InshaAllah we’ll post more soon. Mostly Somali/Desi food.
The hierarchy of rishtas is:
Beautiful girls (they are at the top)
Good looking guys with good degrees
Average looking guys with good degrees
Ugly looking guys with good degrees
Ugly looking guys who are bums
Ugly girls (nothing they can do can move them up the ladder unfortunately)
I have to agree with Sincethestorm after I read this post from you Br. J. How can you sit there and say that nothing an ugly girl does can move her up the ladder?? I for one, am quite offended at this post by you as I am sure all of the sisters who read this will be as well.
Allah created us in whatever way, shape or form He willed, and we for one, have no right to call someone “ugly.” It’s quite offensive, degrading and hints at arrogance and self conceit. Please try to refrain from writing before thinking about who you might be hurting or offending.
Jazak Allah Khayr.
Thank you.
You are saying I am not a practicing Muslim? You are ready to judge my level of deen and iman based on a few posts, half of which were said in jest? Bravo! Please mail me this taqwa-meter!
Do you think before you make du`a? Your du`a basically entails that I never get married. Have you any sense? You sound like those takfeeris who make du`a for destruction instead of asking for a person to be guided. Instead of giving such a disgusting du`a, you could simply have said “May Allah [swt] guide you and correct your views”.
What makes you think I am arrogant? What have I said that is arrogant?
Secondly, even if I was arrogant, are you implying that this is an impediment to getting married? Sorry to burst your bubble, but the market is so favorable nowadays that it wouldn’t matter if I was arrogant or not.
Again, how have you jumped to the conclusion that I am arrogant? Without investigation? Without inquiring what was meant by such-and-such words?
You don’t know me, so please don’t try to think you do. My view about myself is that I am nothing special, just mediocre…but the market conditions are so good that it doesn’t matter. Like I said, I know people who are not good looking at all yet managed to get gorgeous girls. How is that a statement of arrogance?
Rejecting is a harsh word. I don’t ‘reject’ girls, as if they are inferior and I am too good for them. Rather, I decide that I will wait for the right girl for me. I recognize that many of them are great girls that I have “rejected” (I dislike using that term), and I wish them all the best. In fact, many of the less good looking girls are better people than the good looking girls. I recognize this. So I am NOT ever insulting girls I reject, neither openly nor secretly in my heart. That is just kibr to do that. LIKE I SAID, I DON’T THINK I AM SOME AMAZING LOOKING CREATURE. Rather, I am just fortunate enough to be living in a time in which the market is stacked in our favor, and I do intend to make use of that.
Suddenly you have become the spokesman for God? Astagfur-Allah. Husn al-dhann. You don’t know me. I plan on marrying a gorgeous girl in order to help me guard my gaze and preserve my chastity. If I don’t get a drop dead gorgeous girl, I will not be completely guarded from myself; I know myself, and so based on this logic, it could even be considered wajib! (Although that’s a bit of a stretch.) The only thing keeping me from sin right now is the thought that if I sin, then Allah [swt] will prevent me from me finding that gorgeous wife. So no, I don’t think it is sinful at all to wait for the gorgeous girl, so long as I obtain her in a halal way, as is permissible in Islam.
Anyways, I apologize for my harshness, but well, you were pretty harsh with me. Nonetheless, that doesn’t give me a right to be harsh to you, so forgive me.
Fi Aman Allah
^^I don’t agree with everything br. J was saying or how he said it, but I don’t think he said it out of arrogance/ self-conceit.. IMO, he was speaking in jest.. Allahu a’lam
Sister, that post was clearly said in jest.
As for insulting anyone, I didn’t mention anyone specifically, so I don’t see how it could possibly offend someone.
But again, it was in jest.
Let’s not look down on one another. Allah created all of us and HE made us beautiful. You should never call anyone ugly no matter what. I believe everyone Allah made is beautiful, because HE doesn’t make anything that is ugly.
I believe this thread is going out of hand. Brothers be easy on the sisters. Specially those of you that are not married.
Interesting hierarchy – where do divorced unmarried men and divorced women fall in that categorization scheme?
Siraaj
And also men looking for second wives. Where do they fall?
LOL, thanks for looking out for *those* guys.
Siraaj
And where do mermaids fall under this categorization? I know we can eat them according to most madhaib, but can we marry them too?
Parents always tell their kids they shouldn’t play with their food, so more than that (like marriage) is probably not a good idea either.
There are no such things as mermaids..
And before you ask, aliens also don’t exist.
on a more serious note, Jazakallahu khayran Haytham for the article.
Assalam Walaikum,
Brothers and sisters, I ask you to please refrain from starting an entire war on here.
At the end of the day, we agree to disagree. This issue is one that cannot be solved over the internet, in the comments of a posted article of all places.
Know that 90% of the things everyone is saying back and forth to each other are opinions.
Opinions start pointless arguments and debates because they are, well, opinions.
You will gain nothing by continously and repeatedly posting these comments arguing this way or that way, my way or the highway.
It is nice to see a little clash of the genders here and there, but when it comes to forcing opinions down people’s throats, that’s where we get offended and the arguments start up.
So please, let Br. Haytham rest. He meant no harm in writing this article, as it is, once AGAIN, just an OPINION of his.
Know that all the brothers of the world do not share the same opinions, so please do not generalize us in vague categories.
As for my opinion, here it is:
A brother will be attracted to a sister who is similar in respects to himself. I’d say the same for sisters.
That is, if he/she is extremely good looking, he/she will not find one specific person attractive which his/her friend may find attractive.
When it comes to relationships, in this case, marriage, people look for someone who fills their “holes.” These “holes” are the insecurities, which everyone has. A person will more than likely find an individual attractive who, believe it or not, resembles some of their parent’s inner qualities.
Why? Because at a young age, parents shape our relationships with other people in the future. Insecurities stem from the parents, then evolve through relationships a child has growing older.
It is all based on similarities. Similarities in beauty, attitude, wealth, and interests, but also slight differences as well.
The soul of a person is what is most beautiful. At the end of your life it’s not going to be her beauty or his physique that is going to keep you going together.
It’s going to be the personality. The soul. That’s all we are in the end, isn’t it? Just souls, our bodies simply being tools.
And if you think about it, one second of being in Jannah is better than your life in this entire world. Does it really matter THAT much to you what specificites and distinct characterstics your potential spouse should have?
The most important thing is their relationship with Allah and if they fear Allah. Everything else can be seen as a bonus. Not to say the other things aren’t important, of course they are. But their relationship with Allah will affect each of those other things.
The fact of the matter is, we should marry who is best for us, and that we ask Allah (SWT) to grant us the wife/husband who is best for us, and insha’Allah, we will be granted that.
Whoever is not meant for you is not meant for you, and whoever you marry is whoever was best for you.
Say alhamdulillah and move forward.
And Allah (SWT) knows best.
Siraaj are you seriously looking 4 a 2nd wife? WHYYYYYYYY……….I am not being nosy rather im just curious! In my very limited experience, most men took 2nd wife cuz they couldn’t have kids from first wife, etc…Who in their right mind would want to go through the whole process of looking 4 a spouse!
Maybe we can have a post about struggles of a married brother looking 4 a 2nd wife =)
J,
Please don’t give me a lesson in economics about supply and demand. Its never acceptable to act they way you are. I can’t help it if the market conditions are good….again disgusting. Arrogance is denying the truth.
I recognize that many of them are great girls that I have “rejected” (I dislike using that term), and I wish them all the best. In fact, many of the less good looking girls are better people than the good looking girls. I recognize this.
These your words. Meaning you get these are good girls but you REJECT them because you are waiting for something better in physical appearance. Thats arrogance ie denying the truth. Again your words unless of course you said them in jest again.
LIKE I SAID, I DON’T THINK I AM SOME AMAZING LOOKING CREATURE. Rather, I am just fortunate enough to be living in a time in which the market is stacked in our favor, and I do intend to make use of that. So you acknowledge that you are not all that, but you “choose” to REJECT sisters because you want to WAIT for someone drop dead gorgeous eventhough she may not be better in other aspects.
One doesn’t have to be a genius to gage a person’s arrogance or level of piety. Words and actions speak louder. You are telling us exactly what you think and how you behave. If you said those statements in jest, I find it amazing that you keep defending these comments that you “supposedly” made in jest…
You don’t want to use the word REJECT because maybe you might have a conscious awakening moment as to what you are actually doing….btw, the statement of i want a gorgeous girl because I have been lowering my gaze is nonsense. You can go to any convention (TDC, ISNA, and ICNA) and the guys that are looking to get married are very obvious. You know how….they are looking. They are checking girls out because thats how they’ll find this drop dead gorgeous girl.
Yes, I’m not God, but I dare you to go ask a scholar and see if what you are doing is Islamic. I doubt the answer is going to be keep doing what you are doing. I think in that conversation he’d remind you of the 4 reasons to get married, piety being the number one. Unfortunately, Haytham list of priorities are not reflective of all the knowledge that the so called practicing brothers are learning. The shakyh would remind you that its better to get married young as Prophet SAW recommended. Its amazing when it comes to this SUNNAH, the brothers have a memory lapse….they’ll grow a beard and what not but aakhalaq/character (2/3 of religion) is out the window so that they can land a gorgeous wife. I stand by what I said. I just wonder if you are reading Istikharaah prayers while you are house hopping.
I apologize, I shouldn’t have said May Allah SWT protect single sisters from the likes of you….May Allah SWT guide you to act like a Muslim.
SubhanaAllah br. Haytham sure knows how to start a discussion
He did not say it, I said it. So we do not know if he is looking or not.
May Allah reward you for posting this sis/bro. sincethestorm… You couldn’t have said it better. I was actually writing something for him when I saw your post. I wish someone would warn sisters before they get REJECTED by you.
Actually what is disgusting is your harsh tone and lack of adab.
Where is the arrogance? Are you saying it is haram to want to marry an attractive woman in order to protect one’s gaze?
Why did you put the words “choose” in quotes? lol Now you are being John McCain.
So? How is that arrogance?
You are not only a genius; you must be like a mind reader, imaan guager, and heart seer.
lol all from a few posts! Wow, you’re not one quick to judge, eh?
And so are you showing yourself: quick to judge, harsh in tone, disgruntled, etc.
Some statements were said in jest, others were not. Some were serious but with some merriment added in them.
So now you already know my sins? What else do I do? Thank you for informing me! Now you know whether or not I lower my gaze or not? LOL You’re funny! Did I pray fajr today? Can you tell me that? What sins will I do tomorrow? Please inform me, o wise one!
Umm, my mom is the one who looks for girls for me and shows them to me.
I’ll take you up on that offer, and you’ll be the one proven wrong. Ask the following question to a scholar:
“I wish to marry a woman who is both religious and beautiful. Is this mubah”
I wonder what answer you will get!
Whoever said otherwise? Didn’t I *clearly* say that I have found many attractive women but I did not wish to marry them because they lacked haya?
What in the world does “house hopping” mean?
It is generally not a good idea to use du`as as insults. Instead you should say “may Allah guide you and I.”
Fi Aman Allah.
@Br. J,
I have to agree with Sr. Umm Reem’s comments on this one. Marrying a ‘drop dead gorgeous woman’ will not necessarily protect you from the fitna of other women. All you have to do is look at all the celebrities, musicians, pro athletes, and rappers who happen to have the ‘drop dead gorgeous woman.’ Yet they cheat on their women all the time. Also, there was an article on yahoo (I think Shaykh Y. Birjas talked about it) that addressed the top reasons why men cheat. Surprisingly, most men do not cheat because of their wife’s beauty. And many times, they cheat on someone who was less beautiful than their wives. Guys usually cheat because they don’t feel appreciated.
And as a brother who recently got engaged, I would say that some of the brothers that I talk to definitely need to become a little more flexible, not on the deeni requirements of course. Beauty, Status, etc. will come and go, but it is the shared love of the deen of Allah that will help couples develop long and loving relationships.
Remember, this life is temporary. Marry someone who will help you get to that special place known as jannah, even she isn’t ‘America’s Next Top Model.’ (I don’t know why some bros get attracted to those plastic surgically repaired bimbos anyways).
As-salam alaykum,
I think perhaps I should clarify my view, this time without any jokes.
OK, yes, I want to marry a beautiful girl. I don’t think there is anything wrong with this, so long as she is pious as well.
I don’t think I am better than anyone else. Different people have different wants. Some sisters don’t want a fob. Some want a doctor. Some want a really good looking husband. Some want an aalim. Everyone has different desires, and so long as they are fulfilled within the bounds of the Shari’ah, I do not think there is anything wrong in it. It is well known that Sahabah did marry women just because they were beautiful. I think that if I marry a beautiful girl, I can control my nufs, and so I think this is a good thing.
As for “market conditions”, “meat market”, etc. these are just terms I used to make fun of the situation. I guess some people took offense to that. I apologize for that. All I meant was that guys have lucked out since there are so many girls looking to getting married. That’s all. Perhaps my ‘colorful’ language was off-putting to some.
As for the hierarchy stuff, that all was just a joke.
Fi Aman Allah.
Br. J I am sorry but I have to say this, you have to respect sisters no matter what. You shouldn’t be looking down on them no matter how they look. I am sure you have a sister and a mother. What if a guy rejected your sister just because she didn’t look good? Then what and what if that brother told you that? I am sure it would hurt a lot. How do you know the person your saying they lack adab? You don’t know them so you have no right to judge them.
Subhan Allah…
When I initially decided to write this post .. my intentions werent to bring more hits to the site…it wasn’t to get the max amount of comments…. my intention were to address intellectual readers with a social issue that we face.
Instead I was attached, called immature, and talked down to … all of which I dont accept and forgive inshaAllah.
I am not responsible for the comments done by those who agree with my article. Nor do I totally disagree with all the comments posted by those who oppose me…… this was suppose to be a discussion not a war of opinions.
Finally…. for those who intended to trash this article with their mocking comments… may Allah forgive you…ameen.
wasalam
haytham
As-Salam Alaykum, bro LearningArabic.
First, I want to thank you for your good adab. May Allah [swt] reward you.
@Br. J,
Of course it will not *necessarily* do that, but I know myself, and I think it will. Nobody knows me. Everyone is different. I know myself and I am positive about this. I was fanatically loyal to my ex-pre-fiance…(I was not that religious back then) But the point was that it helped me a lot just knowing that I had someone so beautiful.
Umm, there are many many reasons why those things that don’t work out. There is just no comparison.
There is no issue of cheating for me. I would never do that. I would just be very dissatisfied with life, and my eyes would be harder to control.
I read it, and I commented on it as well. I love Shaykh Yasir Birjas, but I felt that the article was too soft on men, kind of justifying their cheating…actually that was not Sh. Birjas’s intent, but some of the people who commented seemed to be implying that, as if it was not the fault of the men for doing that!
Bro, I want a girl who is both religious and beautiful. I won’t compromise on either one of those two, which is one of the reasons I’ve put off marriage for so long. I don’t feel like there is a need to compromise, so I don’t have to pick one of the two.
fi Aman Allah
Didn’t I say I respected all those girls? When did I ever say to disrespect them? In fact, I am *totally* opposed to that. Sometimes guys will say “such and such girl is fugly” and I will always criticize them for that and warn them not to do that.
Who said that I looked down on them?
Of course it would. But are you cogitating that no guy on earth can ‘reject’ a girl based on looks? So basically, looks can’t be a deciding factor at all for men?
Huh? I am just talking about their adab while talking to me. Please stop being so biased.
J,
Please do ask a scholar…. I don’t think the question is “I wish to marry a woman who is both religious and beautiful. Is this mubah.” Be specific. So the question should be am I committing a sin for rejecting a sister if she is descent looking (pretty/attractive) and everything else is good and delaying my marriage until I find a gorgeous wife who has haya and religion?
There are several on this panel maybe someone can reply.
Learning Arabic,
I think Siraaj Wahaj actually said the same exact thing in his speech last year at the TDC. Halle berry’s husband cheated on her…and we know what she looks like.
welcome to the blog world!
salam alaikum: my apologies if my comments hurt ur feelings…it wasn’t intended…actually i was laughing at most of the comments…take it easy…
and may Allah reward you for forgiving all
aha! so u weren’t married…there is a difference between having a wife and a fiance….and someday when you do have a wife, inshaAllah, you will understand this!
I am not beaing biased, the truth hurts buddy and you don’t want to hear it. Your the one that’s being biased towards woman. What did they do to you to desserve your insult?
note to self: take Siraaj’s seminar on Being Lame when it comes to a city close to me……
Wow. It hasn’t been 2 days even and yet there are already close to 200 comments.
Everyone is talking about sister’ looks so I was just wondering what everyone has to say about the fact that when a sister is in plain hijab/jalbab and no make up verses when she is dressed up with hair blow dried and layers of make up. These two could be completely different pictures!
Sisters who wear Hijab can attest to the fact that so many times when we get dressed up for an all girl’ party, it gets difficult to recognize everyone (at times, your own mother will pass by and won’t recognize you). Brothers wouldn’t really know this until they get married and see their wife b4 and after. =)
I believe Hassan was referring to himself, not me, so ask him why he’s looking for a second wife.
Siraaj
Would you also like me to wake you up before I go-go, cuz you’re not planning on going solo?
Siraaj
Abû Mûsâ Al-?abashî said:
Wow. It hasn’t been 2 days even and yet there are already close to 200 comments.
Yep, this is pretty lame. So many people wasting time, myself included, on Friday of all days. Posting comments and debating with a bro. who wants a gorgeous wife.
Bismillah.
@ Hidaya — Look, this is what I tell my husband….”there’s no need for marrying a 2nd wife, because you already have 2 in 1
” The “first” wife is always wearing abayas and hijaabs outside and feels like a “plain jane” and the “second” wife comes home and totally transforms into someone else. Now, if only my husband could transform from one guy to another one a daily basis…..it would add a tremendous amount of variety to MY life 
alhumdulilah I bypassed all the b.s. by marrying an arab girl from overseas with a western education and traditional values, and a family that holds Islamic values first. May all brothers be relieved of the hassles of pre-marriage.
oh btw I’m desi and had enough of the desi crap so I opted out.
A RESPONSE TO THIS POINT FROM A SISTER’S POINT OF VIEW:
http://WWW.EGYPTIANGUMBO.COM
This is the first time in a long time I’ve actually read over 100+ comments. I found myself wanting to say a lot of things, so I decided to write a response to this post. The link is above. All in all, barak Allahu feek br. Haytham for a well written piece.
Alhamdulillah, I’m married!
I’ll respond with a post on my blog inshaAllah…
Assalaam Alaikum,
I am so saddened after reading the above discourse. I mean do some of you actually claim to be following the Sunnah? Let’s go back to the Sunnah and what the Prophet (saw) did. Did he go around rejecting girl after girl because they “were not drop dead gorgeous and market forces had made him in demand.” Did the Sahabah? Did any righteous person? Look to their behavior, look to the righteous one’s throughout history, even look towards our scholars. What did they value, who are the types of people they married? What does Islam say about this? I mean why did Islam come with these guidelines if we are going to ignore them?
If some brothers complain about girl’s families not accepting them because they’re not $ doctors, why is it ok for brothers to have a 25 point list of requirements. These types of brothers do 1 of 2 things, after years of looking they finally find someone that qualifies the most important thing (looks) and no other and marry them or after years they just snap and marry anyone (ie their cousin).
Jazakamullahu khairan. May Allah grant us all righteous spouses and the grace to lead the righteous. Ameen.
if you would like to advertise your website please contact us for ad portfolio insha’Allah -Editor
Salaamu ‘alaykum,
Subhan’Allaah. Once again funny but insightful article.
I would reply, it’s way to long and I have much to do…
May Allaah grant you that which is pleasing to Him subhana wa ta’ala and you. Ameen.
Barak Allahu feekum!
innalhamdolillah. bismillah.
to all my brothers and sisters who spent so much of Jumaa here in this discussion, take some time to consider Nouman’s khutbah.
200 comments – The ‘Musliims for McCain’ post didn’t get this much comments!
I’m not sure why so many people got so angry at J’s preference but I don’t understand what the benefit is of wasting so much time trying to change his mind…and why people care so much about his (probably totally unrealistic) expectations in the first place.
Come to the Texas Dawah Convention, where Inshallah brother Haytham will be partaking in the Matrimonial Services…LOL jk
as a single sister, i must say i saw good points being made on both ends of the spectrum. i respect br haytham for his opinions as do i respect everyone else as sisters and brothers in deen.
but i was very offended by some people who superficially refered to people as ‘ugly’ or ‘meat’ or made superficial lists… don’t you know beauty is in the eye of the beholder? didn’t we learn this in kindergarten? seriously, some people need to fear Allah before writing something.
just a question: in real life, would you be saying all this? or are you just saying it because you are ‘anonymous’ online?
fear Allah. He is watching you.
What’s the point of saying “I will go for deen first” in every single comment and then not showing that through your adaab?
i ask Allah to forgive me for wasting my time and ask Allah to forgive us ALL for this. Maybe we can get an article from married brothers and sisters on solutions to this problem. and Allah knows best
you poor boys!
i think the boys and girls (and their parents) need to relax a little bit!
the more i read about marriage and other people wanting to get married and what they think, the more i think “good grief! people just think it over way too much!” either that or when i got married i dont know where my head was. but alhamdulillah i married a greater than great man so i guess it was somewhere good.
and you are right women are very complicated. i didnt realize we were complicated until after i got married and i saw how simple-minded men are.
MashaAllah Liv, may Allah bless your marriage and may Allah unite you both in jannah
I think I was just implicitedly dissed online by my wife. Thanks Haytham!
Siraaj
Sorry, but I couldn’t read all the comments… I don’t know why serious stuff morphs into bickering sometimes, but oh well…
Here are my 2 cents:
1) Potential marriage candidate must seriously know his/her politics, and have voted for Obama in the last elections.
ok, not really
1) Get to know the right young couples… i.e. guys knowing the husband, and sisters knowing the wife. If the young couple is mentally in tune with you, then they may have better luck finding your right mate through their circles.
2) MSA, MSA, MSA. Yes, any Muslim group that works together at campuses will provide opportunities. I saw at least 6+ couples out of my MSA at U. Houston in the 4 years I was there… that’s better than one a year. Some call it Marriage SA. That’s fine… better for folks to find other people who care about being part of Muslim activities than to find girls from PSA or ASA.
3) Make up your mind: beauty or religion. This doesn’t mean you have to marry a hag, but it does mean that if you REALLY care about deen, then usually (with very few exceptions) you’ll have to compromise a little in the looks–a few notches below gorgeous. I have seen people compromise on looks almost completely and are happy for their decision. But, you have to be very honest to yourself. And there still has to be SOME attraction. Otherwise, don’t compromise that much.
BUT, I am not going to go down on those who pick beauty over deen. That’s fine. But then remember that when your wife doesn’t dress properly, or the children know hip-hop stars more than they know Sahaba, etc., etc., then DON’T complain. You made your choice. And you’ll have to settle for less in religious wife, religious children, and religious environment. Consider that carefully.
———–
I can’t think of much more. For some reason it seems to have become harder to get married. Maybe people are making it worse than it really is. Perhaps it is because people are willing to compromise less in married life, so they don’t want to compromise on the “perfect match”, in order to avoid the marriage from breaking down. That is plausible and reasonable. But at some time, we run the risk of failing without even trying… and if you hit 40 as a guy or 35 as a sister, then IF you have had proposals at all, you may have failed without even trying. That is, I don’t know if it is worse to have a marriage that has a chance of ending up in divorce, than to not have a marriage at all?
A final piece of advice to brothers: beauty lasts about, hmm, about 2 months. Even the most gorgeous woman won’t be “fresh” not much longer… okay give that 6 months. Then the rest is REAL life. Especially since we can’t display our wives as trophies as some non-Muslims do… your wives’ role as partners, as mothers, as teachers, as “libaas” — all have no requirement for beauty. So, make your pick carefully– if you do well, you can get beauty in jannah (don’t forget the hoor ul-ayn) PLUS your earthly wife, i.e. you can have your cake and the icing too! It doesn’t take a visionary to think like that. It just takes a man with straight priorities.
May Allah give us all that is good in the duniya and the akhira.
wallahualam.
wow I checked it yesterday and now it has over 200 comments!!!
good article.
sisters should marry back home also!
I mean a lot of the bros in Pakistan are decent, hard-working, respectful beings. Yeah there are the losers who try to act western, but most are not like that. Some sisters just see the few western-acting non-practicing Paks and generalize about the whole population. I dont know about other countries, but I most of the men that I have met in Pakistan have been very practicing with great manners.
Reasons why sister’s dont marry back home:
1. Skinny Fob: Trust me, you can make him pretty plump by feeding him in NA. Also, his English might not be the best, but its easily understandable and u can talk in Urdu. Also at least he knows how to talk to your parents, unlike most western muslims who have no idea.
2. Money Problems: Ok well he might not have the best job, but try to get someone with a degree in Pakistan (not as rare as you think); he wont make amazing wages, but I find the East bros are willing to work hard to help family.
3. Culture clash: well most of NA culture is haraam (ie clubs, bars, etc.), the halaal stuff is not that hard for him to start liking. Trust me they have brains also.
4. Religion: Ok, why do NA sisters think that men in Pakistan do not know Islam? Oh yeah, they met a couple who were doing unislamic stuff or they read the newspapers about “extremists”. Most people I’ve met in Pakistan have a GREAT understanding about Islam, alot better than in NA. They might not be aware of the Islamic issues in the west, and how to deal with them, but I’m sure they’ll come up to speed pretty quick.
Of course you have to be careful about ur husband in Pak, but you have to be careful in NA too!!! (sometimes even more) Dont just go pick up the first Pakistani you meet, rather meet a lot of them and I can almost guarantee you’ll find one you like.
Jazakallah,
Western Muslim brother trying to improve the image of eastern Muslim brothers
bismillah
assalaamu `alaykum…
inshaAllah i hope that the brothers who are “sexually frustrated” and are facing “sexual pressures” are following the remedy prescribed by the prophet sallahu alayhi wasallam of fasting (like, mondays and thursday on a CONSISTENT basis). The Prophet sallahu alayhi wasallam said…”‘O young people! Whoever among you is able to marry, should marry, and whoever is not able to marry, is recommended to fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power.”
Perhaps when we start WALKING the sunnah and not just TALKING the sunnah shall we find what we are looking for. If we ourselves are not seeking the help of Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala then forget about 30, nobody can help us even if we are 60+. I forget who the scholar was who said this, but they something along the following lines…”if you don’t wake up for tahajjud to ask Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala what you want, then perhaps you really don’t want it”. true. deep. reflect…
While one is ACTIVELY seeking whatever one wants, he/she should never fail to continue to follow what Allah and His messenger has advised. Only then would we truly get what we always wanted and dreamed for. I speak from personal experience. SubhanAllah, the little things that I had asked Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala for were granted to me…and I know it was not because I made a lot of du`a or prayed those extra nafl prayes…but as a mercy from Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala for which I am forever and forever grateful. I think one thing a lot of us do is we work on our lists, and then go around seeking help from others, letting them know of our “standards” and “criteria” (be it friends, parents, co-workers, fellow-MSA-ers)….however, did we ever consider going over this list with Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala when He comes down to the lowest of the heaven during the last third of the night to grant us WHATEVER we ask Him for? I really doubt. And if we did, then I know we wouldn’t be sitting here waiting for our Mr. Right and Ms. Right. Allah is Haqq and His promise is Haqq.
Ok…that is it of my schpeel…these were just a coupla humble reminders for brothers amongst many others that have already been listed in these 200+ comments.
jazaakumAllahu khayran wallahu musta’an.
(im addressing the brothers in this reply as this article is intended for them…but I believe the naseeha goes for us sisters too…wallahu `alam)
but they are fobs
i cant stand their accent
u cant stand urself?
212 comments?
Man no way I am even going to bother with this… when this sort of discussion reaches that point I think it’s become a little self-defeating no?
I might message you Haytham though about your article.
I’ll leave you gentleman and ladies to your devices. Ciao.
Why can’t I marry someone’s who’s great in the deen and good looking? I’m sure these types of sisters exist… after all I know many friends who have done this!
Also as a brother I do have to say I don’t blame the sisters for getting a good education and job. Look at it from their point of view – let’s say the sister wants to get married but hasn’t been able to yet, she’s not gonna just sit there and do nothing so she goes to school to better herself. She finishes school and still no men- so she gets a job to help her parents pay the bills. Now, why on EARTH wouldn’t you want a sister who did that? If she’s willing to work a 9-5 to help her family out then that speaks loudly of the commitment she has for the house – and I’m sure most sisters in her right mind would love to stay at home compared to working 9-5.
As guys we need to inquire more about sisters and why they do things instead of just run away as if the sister has a plague.
Zuhair,
I actually did that and the guy bailed. I told him the reason for me working was to support my parents should they need it in their old age. He had no problem with me (physically, personality, and deen)…so go figure.
salaaaamz
wow interesting discussion.
Brother Amad good points on the looks part.
Brother Hythem JazakAllah for post posting the article and opinions of single men.
Im a married sister and when I was a single sister I agreed very much with your points. To my husband I am ‘good looking’ . I am attracted to husband. I have never refused him or he has never been ‘penalized’ for his views. Other than that I know how to cook good and did not believe in ‘disrespecting’ the husband. I was also obedient. I had a babIy nine months later. did not wear hijab but mentioned that I wanted it too start and asked what he thought about it. he approved. I am born and raised in US but I have been going to Pakland every 2-3 yrs since I was born to visit. Im very fluent in Urdu unlike many who are born and raised here and our family is very traditional so I guess you could say that i had the west and the east. Basically I think I would qualify your list.
guess what I got married.. .. none of that stuff was appreciated. wait that would be a lie.. my looks and food have been appreciated sometimz but not the rest. Im not the same person anymore. My point is it goes two ways. A person can change you. So I understand you realize it has to go both ways which is good but just to those who dont.
the reality of marriage life is very different. BOTH have to work on the marriage and think about the OTHER first . both have to try. The biggest thing that one should want in a spouce is a good heart , honest and one who is willing to try to be a better spouce and a better husband. it is always important to give your spouce the benefit of the doubt and think positively. looks unfortuantely do not make a marriage but their shoudl be some mutual attraction ofcourse. that goes without saying. meaning they should ‘pass’ and thats about it. Other things are alot more important. For example its ok if the wife cannot cook but should she able to want to try and learn. And I imagine brother hythem and the single brothers is thats what they meant. meaning she should be responsible and try to keep the house clean ect. that is fair.
Alot of what you wrote is actually I believe mutual. Im sure many single sisters feel the same way ESPECIALLY NUMBER 10 I believe many married brothers are guilty of this. ofcourse instead of the ‘cooking’ for sisters it might be to be able to ‘keep a job and pay the bills responsibly.
The reality is that many are divorces are happening because of the brothers. no doubt some because of sisters. but mainly the brothers. because what they do soemtimz completeely ruins a marriage. such as cheating and /or physical abuse. or mental abuse. the muslim forum I particpate in you cannot imagine how many muslim women come for help because of the husband immoral activities. I think im going off subject. but the subject is very serious and the numbers are extremely high and its very important for single sisters to realize that if they get a proposal from a man like Hythem then they should accept and its important for single brothers like Hythem to understand that even if the girl just ‘passes’ in looks and she is willing to work and try and is respectful and practicing. (many not so good looking sisters may be the best of wives) you should propose. she will do everthing for you. and you will be happy. because good looks cannot keep one happy. and a husband is who is abusive or does not care for the feelings of his wife will have a changed wife.
no, siraaj, that was not a diss
Men and women will never understand one another. A man can marry a sister for her looks and we can do the same. I wouldn’t marry the guy if he wasn’t good looking so why are we blaming the guys if they married us for our looks. But at times the men looks for another wife because his first one is not beautiful anymore. So always remember looks will not be there.
You have any scientific statistics to back up that number? Because from most of the divorced people know, the case is otherwise. But I can not consider it scientific
Let’s not blame anyone for the divorce. I think both men and women are to blame. But then again marriage and divorce are both halaal.
Hassan you know the guy’s side of things and muslimah probably knows the girl’s side of things. When you hear one side, that person is never going to admit to his/her mistakes….that’s just human nature. Its always the other person that did this or that and that person was always forgiving/patient. So whose fault it is really…Allahu Alam.
no I dont have a number but there is not doubt that their are seroius issues going on in marriages where men are doing bad things. such as abuse and cheating and alcohol and porn
its reality. now everyone can think of it on thier own. how many situations in which was the man was at fault and how many do u know of when the woman was at fault.
and if the woman was at fault what was it about? she didnt make him a cup of coffe or give him a glass of water.. or yah maybe she refused to live with inlaws who were mentally and verbally abusing her
LOL, I am totally out of words. You have no clue what your fellow women are up to. Let us say while husband was making breakfast for kids, and then was feeding them, the wife woke up and saw him and said you bastard you are still here. And then call police and pretend choking on the phone so that police can come up and take husband away,,, you women have seriously no idea how many miserable men are out there, who even sacrifice a lot for sake of kids..and marriage. And I know many cases, and I am not stupid or blind to know whose fault is this or not, but again, I have no way of saying that women cause more divorce than men because it is not scientific statistics
interesting article indeed.
It is a lot to ask a person to abstain from sex and alcohol till he gets married in todays society. People dont realize how much this complicates a muslims life.
i think a lot of muslims give up on their own ambitions in life and get jobs so that they can get married sooner (mid twenties) just because they are afraid that they will otherwise get married at a time when their sex drive has been through more than 10-15 years of steady decline.
I’m sorry if i sound selfish, but some muslims want to at least experience some of the legal pleasures they’re entitled to.
also i believe that what is ruining our society are dramas like saas bhi kabhi bahoo thi and all that shit. i hope the makers of that show burn in hell for eternity.
Alcohol doesn’t become legal with marriage.
What???!!???
Hassan, don’t know what kind of people you are friends with. SubhanAllah, thats why it is so important not to compromise on Deen and level of piety in your future spouse.
Haha. You men are to funny
Hassan
That scenario just doesn’t sound right….sounds very biased. I’d me interested to know what happened before that incident. The mom is sleeping while the husband makes breakfast and feeds the kids. And, the woman is going to pissed off….which woman would do that. She has to have some serious mental disease because NO Woman is going to jump down a husband’s back for that. She’s probably going to pinch herself a couple of times to make sure she’s not dreaming. LOL.
I don’t agree with you Hassan, I am not saying we’re angels, but there is no way a woman in her right mind will do such a thing. I believe men do more harm to women than we do to men. Wheather he is muslim or not, men are all the same and at times they use their power to hurt us really bad.
Brother Hassan Im talking about women who are suffering and there too many. The numbers are very high.. They go to private forums to ask for advice, if they were in the wrong they would not do that. I dont doubt there are some men suffering but the reality is that men can usually fix that. (not all and not always) but a man who handles his wife right usually can change her. It is not the same for women.
Even popular scholars nowadays are talking about these issues and telling men to act like real men. The problem is with the traditional local imams. Anyhow Im going way out of subject. But just so people know its a serious problem out there
plus everyone is right here it does not make sense at all that a woman would purposely call the police and lie. why would she do that? that would ruin the familys reputation, she would loose her main breadwinner, and she must seriously hate her husband to do that.. plus yes the police can pick u up but they cant put you in a real jail, also you have the right to say ‘not guilty’
the reality is that many muslim are not calling the police when they realy need to and should. number one or number two cause of death among woman is from the husband or bf killing them. and thats a statistic.
“I bet the Muslims here have dated
You have laughed and held hands with the opposite gender
You have gotten gifts for each other and shared food together”
You haven’t? Really?
You have never had a girlfriend/boyfriend?
You have never went on a date ever?
So then what do you know about being in a relationship
You claim to then have no experience in the realm of having a partner
and what that compromises of.
If you have never dated then you dont know how good or bad a relationship is
Do you?
So then if Allah gives you a sample, and you taste nothing else
Would you not be satisfied
For you have never tasted this fruit(experience) before
You claim….
If you have nothing….
Then anything Allah provides you…
You should be MORE then happy/content with
What most of these comments entail… Mostly… is
“Preference/Details”
What do you know you like or dislike if you claim you have never been in a relationship
You think you want this
You think you will like that
But Allah knows what you truly love
He created you
Put your trust in Allah
Complete half of your faith(purpose)
Purpose = To worship and obey Allah
Find someone who you think will help you attain the purpose for being created
Things are very simple
Things are either “YES” or “NO”
Only the cancer in your that make them complicated
And Allah knows best
All my friends are religious and practicing, and this fellow whom I talking about is also very religious. I do not about spouses though
Biased? What if a sister in this thread tells about story of a woman abused by husband? Would not it be biased? Would a man in right mind do that?
Can I deny there is more to story than this? No, as only Allah knows and the couple themselves, but that couple has long history of such incidents and eventually divorced. But the point is you can not have double standards. You can not tell me the stories I know about oppressed men are biased yet the stories people tell about oppressed women are not biased? (men oppression not physical but more emotional)
Are women suffering? Of course I can not deny that. Are some men abusive? Yes of course. Now why you want not to admit that there are great number of men are suffering too, specially in west. Women suffering may have significant high numbers in east though
And amazingly you are third sister objecting to story, while if a sister tells a story, and God forbid men object to that story, you would consider such man out of mind. Why is it difficult to understand that there are evil people out there both men and women.
I agree with you Hassan about some men suffering in the west. Women take advantage of the fact women in the west have more power than men. I can’t stand that. Women are abusive towards their husbands. Majority of these women are not practicing the religion so that might be another reason why they’re doing what they’re doing. For example I know some women that threaten to call the police on their husbands if they don’t do as they say. It’s really sad.
These kind of women are very rare but they do excist. These kind of women deserve the worst kind of husband, to teach them a lesson. Men can be abusive as well but now days women in the west have a lot of power and they abuse that power a lot.
I still think its the minority brother Hasan. And I think woman suffering is the majority. not just in the east but in the west also
Which again begs a question about scientific study and statistics, because I think otherwise, specially in west, but I have no statistics, so I can not be as bold as you are based on my guts and my personal knowledge
But honestly speaking, women are suffering more than men.
I think Hassan received a big pittai (beating) from his begam (wife), and in the process extending his dim views and injuries suffered to the rest of married couples. Hassan is living example that there can be oppression of men by women, as opposed to the fabricated view of female oppression by Muslims. I think this is a very deep move by Hassan to refute the common Islamophobic viewpoint. I applaud him for taking the pittai just so that we can all use his example.
Ok, that was a joke… as a punjabi friend of Hassan, I am allowed to make those. But, it was meant to illustrate that this conversation is going nowhere, and has become rather, sorry to say, imbecilic. I am sure there are bad husbands and bad wives… and because generally speaking women are weaker physically, they are generally more apt to stay in an unhappy, abusive relationship than men, and this generality spans cultures and religions, except Hassan’s statistically significant circle of oppressed men
Case closed. Let’s move on 
My wife did not beat me!! I defended her punch on my chin and acrobatically defended my intestines by blocking her kick on my stomach. Do not twist the events. And I felt so sorry for her vain attempts that I shed some tears as well.
When I see this whole article/comments, the only thing that comes to mind is Colin Powell infamous statement:
“I’m not reading this.”
“I guarantee a house in Jannah for one who gives up arguing, even if he is in the right; and I guarantee a home in the middle of Jannah for one who abandons lying even for the sake of fun; and I guarantee a house in the highest part of Jannahfor one who has good manners.”
[Abu Dawud]
Allah does not like those who are arrogant and proud. Being born or raised in America does not make you a better/special person in the eyes of Allah. When Allah said ” The most honoured among you are those who have the most taqwa (sincerety + fear of Allah)” so now we come and put few different standards and make fun of our muslim brothers from different parts of the world by calling them “FOBs” mockingly. We need to fear Allah. Rasool Allah may peace and blessings be on him said Allah does not look at your looks nor at your wealth but HE looks at your deeds and your heart. So stop looking at people’s accent or wealth and aim high. May Allah guide us all.
Salam Alaikum
Your brother in Islam
This is funny… and…… sad
Cats and dogs! LOL
ok-sorry – but the bickering here is funny at times.
Honestly-I appreciate the veiws of both unmarried brothers and sisters-but I advise you all (young ‘uns I’ll call you) – to LISTEN more than you type. Mashallah-I remember the words of a brother who went to Madeenah – who told us “you could tell who the ‘senior’ brothers in any given class were-they were the silent ones-who listened the most and spoke/questioned the least”.
This is not to sttifle debate but to bring home a point – that the likes of (may Allah bless them) UmmZainab & UmmReem are speaking much sense (and the fact the most married brothers havent commented speaks for itself
)
And thats ALL i’ll venture to say (being a married brother
)
(One thing I DO remember – the ones who SPOKE the most about marriage had the MOST difficult time marrying and sometimes even sustaining those marriages)
And remember that a good, pious (and/or beautiful,attractive) mate is part of the blessings of Allah and ask yourself what have you done to earn that rizq?
May Allah bless you all find suitable mate(s) who can help you find sakeenah and jannah
Wa’assalaam
Abu Moosa
well said abu moosa mA. those who know the least usually talk the most. The most knowledgeable ones say “I don’t know” more often than the one who has very little knowledge. I am single myself so I don’t have a clue about marriage so it’s nice to read the comments from the married individuals because they really know what they’re are talking about. No offense to the unmarried people, you might be “right” about some of the stuff you are saying but most of it comes from first hand experience…I’m in the same boat.
Brother Siraj you are wife and you are just 6 yrs apart. That doesnt seem to be alot. Infact I think that is age difference is average in countries such as pakistan. I think its a good age difference
I think over ten yrs may be considered a big age difference
anyhow different strokes for different folks
JazakomAllahu kheiran for those words of wisdom AbuMoosa.
funniest story ever from Hassan. I can’t stop laughing.
Oh, my Lord!!!
Haytham, look what have you done? Over 200 comments
Sorry I came late to this post…but I really understand where are you coming from. It is a serious matter. At The Marriage Revolution the team is working hard day and night to bring the best educational and training system for both singles and married ones in order to bridge the views between genders, cultures and generations insha’Allah.
Until then, I’ll enjoy reading the comments, and take notes.
bismillah. Shaykh Birjas, is “the Marriage Revolution” planning to launch any kind of matrimonial services in the near future?
@ abu abdullah, the Houstonian,
bismillah. Shaykh Birjas, is “the Marriage Revolution” planning to launch any kind of matrimonial services in the near future?
The answer is coming to the net very soon insha’allah. Meanwhile, do not forget to sign up for updates at http://www.askaboutmarriage.com
What an honor… Shaykh Yasir, Imam Nasir, and Sh. Yaser commented on my blog post… wow…
Really .. my intention was to tackle a social issue… obviously more and more people worry about this issue just like me.. (tho they might reject or refuse my opinions)
A project such as AskAboutMarriage.com is much needed and we hope that its a start to something big inshaAllah.
Until next post…. beace be ubon you
haytham
Salaam
I thought this was a nice post. Honest, and not offensive at all. (As a sister, I didn’t see any problems with it.)
Just a few quick comments if you don’t mind reading yet another comment…
1- Physical Appearance.
I don’t think this is too much to ask, provided there is flexibility. I think that as long as a woman is making an effort to keep herself physically fit, in most cases she wouldn’t probably be considered acceptable physically–right? And then at home she should at least try to make herself attractive to her husband. I don’t think the request is really for a supermodel, but there does need to be physical attraction in a marriage, right? And as I understand it, for men that’s largely visual. I’ve found men to be pretty flexible in their tastes and preferences anyway, so assuming that’s the case I don’t see this as a problem, or something women should get upset over.
2- Religiosity.
Especially a religious man would appreciate a religious woman I think. I would have liked to see this at the top, but oh well.
3- She must be attracted to me
See, men are insecure too. Hehe, what sort of woman doesn’t want to be attracted to her husband? Or wants him not attracted to her.
4- Manners.
I really think people underestimate this. Glad to see it on your list. It’s really important in my opinion for couples to treat eachother respectfully. And I can see why men might get the impression women are arrogant or rude to their spouses… women fear the same thing, I think.
5- Knows how to cook.
Personally, I think this is mostly reasonable, but I don’t think it should be a demand. Few women are skilled cooks at a young age–it takes a LOT of practice. At least it takes me a lot of practice… maybe I’m broken. So I think rather than saying a woman “knows how to cook,” it would probably be more polite and helpful to say that the woman has a willingness to cook. It’s gonna take time. But saying she needs to know already–I think a lot of women, especially if they’ve never been married before, just might get the feeling that their cooking skills are already subpar and they’re going to be overly criticized. Women are insecure too, you know…
6- Westernized, yet carries the traditional values.
I really don’t even know what this means. Westernized in what way? What sort of traditional values? Sorry but I just don’t understand.
7- Dresses Islamically.
Like you said, lots of flexibility.
8- Know how to support her husband.
This might just be me, but I think it’s a lot more natural for a woman to do that then maybe people think. I could be wrong, after all, but I don’t think that single brothers really need to worry about this, unless they marry someone who is just totally self-interested.
9- Jealous, but not too jealous.
Again… natural.
10- I can carry an intellectual conversation with her without the fear of being penalized for holding certain views.
This requires, I think, a willingness on the part of the husband as well to not penalize his wife for holding certain views. And then again, some people really are close-minded. What will you do about that?
bismillah. [written by abu abdAllah]
i signed up, Shaykh Yaser. may Allah increase you and your project participants in good deeds and beneficial ‘ilm, may He forgive you for your sins and excesses, and may He put barakat in the marriages you foster. not sure what form the project will take going forward, but i know you have been considering something like eHarmony. have you thought about having applicants take a questionnaire using or based on existing personality profile tests and then letting live personnel (like yourself and your trained staff) match persons? if results from one or more questionnaires did not give your staff a clear enough picture of a person, you could also request references and interview them.
also, Shaykh Yaser, would you please comment on the different ways that a single brother should look for a wife? this article has focused much attention on what qualities a single brother might be looking for in a spouse, but not very much on how. for example, as much as many people in this thread express disappointment with centering a search on physical characteristics, i look at what my parents encourage me to do and find that physical attraction is number one on their list.
my mom’s constant well-intentioned advice to me is “see the girl.” she wants me to accept things like meeting a sister in a mall, with other people present (and from experience with my parents, i know that these so called chaperons think keeping their distance is appropriate). when i tell my mom i want a wife who is shy enough (has enough Islamic modesty) that she would be mortified by the suggestion, my mom cannot even comprehend what i have said, literally — and, no, it’s not the word “mortified.”
what i feel is that there is one person i have to talk to first — that is the woman’s wali. if her wali is against me as a choice, for whatever reason, i want to know right away — what’s the point of getting interested enough to marry a woman only to find out that her wali is opposed to the marriage? on the other hand, i have met brothers who seem to have very good marriages, who tell me about having to convince the wali to change his mind — meaning that their wife’s wali had not immediately approved.
so i would appreciate your comment, Shaykh Yaser.
Man, after reading all these comments -
I have to say most guys are pretty hedonistic and to a lesser extent, misogynistic (might even be subconscious)
the girl has to be very pretty, obedient to her husband, of course not pursue a career or if she does one, there are so many conditions that make it usually improbably at best.
She has to have haya, good adab, religious, smart -
while the guy usually isn’t very handsome, average intelligence.. etc.
Does it matter to the guy however? Of course not – because he is a RAJUL (man) and this is his RIGHT.
They never consider that perhaps… the girl wants a guy who is handsome, is smart, on her intellectual level (you have no clue how many guys are complete airheads)
is there any reason she shouldn’t have those criteria as well?
The solution is you have to be flexible, and men have to recognize that women are entitled to have things they want in their husband as well.
These comments give me an inkling into why the American Muslim divorce rate is so disgusting, and why many Muslim men and women in the US get married so late.
my 2 cents.
Salaam,
I think all of the readers here need to read Abu Eesa’s blog as he just wrote about getting married and being married. Very insightful and eloquently written. He is also a da’ee. Anyway, its a post that will leave you with a lot of useful lessons to take to heart & implement, inshaallah.
http://alternativeentertainment.wordpress.com/2008/11/25/whats-love-got-to-do-with-it-2/#comments
^ He basically said, in more eloquent terms, what most people here have been trying to say. I haven’t read the comments there yet, so I wonder how many bros are going to be offended about what he said!