Vote for Me!

Now that the primaries are here, I've become more and more disappointed with the various options. Muslims have been debating the best choice for months, and the more I think about it, I understand why there is so much disagreement in the community. My position hasn't changed. I am a Democrat, and I will vote for the Democrat with the best chance to win.

But for all the other disillusioned Muslims, I thought it might be worth having a real alternative to the other candidates, someone who speaks to your Muslim sensibilities, someone from America, and for America. That someone, I believe, is me.

Of course, the immediate objection is that a Muslim could never be president. You'd waste your vote, right? Yes, I am Muslim. Yes, the odds are stacked against me. But I believe that my platform is one that all Americans can accept. I believe that I can transcend my Muslim identity and bring America together. As I've always said, Muslims are the true moderates in American life.

Islam discourages the boastfulness and thirst for power that is common among all US presidential candidates. I am wary to do likewise, and so I will only assert one modest, indisputable virtue that I would bring to office. If elected, I would instantly become the most just and legitimate Muslim leader in the world. This would bring unprecedented weight and authority to America's presence in the Middle East. The alleged conflict between Islam and the West, a favorite of kings, dictators, and neo-cons, would melt away. So what would I do with this new and unprecedented power?

Let me make one thing clear. A lot of people like Ron Paul because of his hands-off foreign policy. But let's be real. The Muslim world needs to be straightened out a bit, and who better to do it than an American Muslim president.

First, I want to assure the leadership of America's military forces that a Muslim presidency would not spell the end of their adventures in the Middle East. On the contrary! Although Iraq has recently looked a bit more stable, it is safe to say the project of imposing American-style democracy has failed. As president, I want to go one step further. I want to cut out the middle man, and impose American democracy itself on Iraq. That means a complete, unapologetic colonization of Iraq, which will then become the 51st state of the United States of America. I expect the representative from Iraq will contribute heartily to debates in the US legislature. I cannot foresee any substantial legal obstacles to including Iraq in the Union, though we may want to pass a constitutional amendment that no one may serve in Congress who believes that a messianic religious figure is hiding in a cave located in any of the 51 states. And I'm not ashamed to deny the political benefits of this new arrangement. Given the Bush administration's record, I think the 34 electoral votes from Iraq will remain squarely in the Democrats' column for decades to come.

That is not the end of my military plans. There is a strain of US policy in the Middle East which needs to be revived. It is a simple bargain…Islam for oil. With that in mind, I would gather all the Muslims in the US Armed Forces into a special unit that would lead an invasion of eastern Saudi Arabia, securing the world's prime oil reserves for the foreseeable future. We would set up a puppet, Sunni government in the area based on the following arrangement. We pay $20 per barrel of oil for the next 50 years, and they use the money for anything except palaces and luxury cars. I would also nationalize the oil refineries in America, and guarantee $1/gallon gasoline for Americans for the duration of my presidency.

As for Egypt, the political heart of the Muslim world, I would excuse the current leader from his position, and make Egypt the testing ground for indigenous democracy in the region. In Lebanon, we would pretty much let things play out as they're going now, except for economic projects, one of which would be to subsidize the textiles industry because women on Lebanese TV channels don't seem to have enough clothes.

Domestically, my plans would be no less innovative or attractive. I support universal healthcare, generous student grants for higher education, tax credits for marriage, and a Constitutional Amendment defining marriage as a union between one man and up to four women. I would also launch a federal investigation into why there are so many adult video stores along the highway in the Bible belt, an embarrassing reality for a part of the country that prides itself on conservative moral values. We would take care of that for all those decent people down there.

If there are any judges who oppose abortion and support affirmative action, I would find them and appoint them to the Supreme Court. And while I'm open to all sorts of ideas on fiscal reform, I would institute a modest tax, say 2.5%, on wealth (rather than income) that would go to feed the hungry and house the homeless in America.

As Martin Luther King Jr. said, “The new morality is the same old immorality.” If we are honest with ourselves, it is clear that the current social crisis (loss of modesty and morality, deteriorating family structure, drug use, erosion of parental authority, etc.) is the greatest threat to American prosperity and stability. And unlike Europe, I think the majority of Americans can agree on this. As president, I would respect the American social contract. There is no place for me to impose my religious beliefs. All I ask is for the American people to keep an open mind…and when it comes to this festering social crisis, you may find Islamic shariah a bit more attractive than you've previously imagined.

Finally, I want to be sure that I dot the 'i's and cross the 't's, doing all those things that are technically required for someone to run for President, all those things upon which one's eligibility rests. After doing a survey of the campaign websites, I've found a common element to most of the Republicans and Democrats. Now I'm not a legal expert, so I don't know of any laws that govern this issue, but based on my research, I want to make the following statement:

“Israel is the best friend of America in the world, and the only democracy in the Middle East, and it has the best beaches and public transportation system. America will continue to support Israel with whatever resources it wants…to do whatever it wills. And of course, America will always remain an unbiased peace-broker in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.”

Thank you for your time and support. As usual, I procrastinated before making this decision, so please write in “Musa Maguire” on your primary ballot.