I have been through the same thought processes as you lil Mouse! However, family gossip is usually conducted in Gujarati, and so i sometimes gives my aunties the benefit of the doubt, in case something is getting lost/added in translation. However, the tone of the conversation can indicate the nature of the topic, just as much as the words used!

I think one of the best reminders is the fact that back-biting leads to the ironic punishment, of your hasanah being transferred to the victim. I say ironic, because you usually speak bad about someone you don’t like, so they’re the last person you’d want to hand your good deeds over to!

There’s no easy way to correct people, especially when you’re the youngest… i think amatulwadood’s suggestion of first approaching one’s mother, or other close adult relative, is very good, as they will feel less embarrassed to dole out the advice on your behalf, inshallah.

Wa’salam

I feel the same way Mouse. And it is hard for me to come out and say something, but I do it anyway–or i’ll go home mad at myself. I try and ask myself, “who do I fear more?” I remind myself to fear Allah and not His creation…and I don’t want my good deeds being taken from me on the Day of Judgment, as few as they are, for sitting through and listening to gossip/backbiting. I think the main thing is that you have to be calm about it and not yell “HARAAM!” and go off on them, that causes serious problems. If you still feel uncomfortable, go to someone you are closer to in the gathering like your mom and tell her to tell everyone inshaAllah.
It is a lot easier with friends as you mentioned, but think of it this way: they are your family, your own blood, and don’t you want to save them from the fire of hell as you do yourself? InshaAllah they’ll thank you in Jannah :-)

Lastly, there is a really great audio lecture by Yahya Ibrahim about The Bad Uses of the Tongue (and also the good uses) he goes into great detail with backbiting/gossip and slander.

wa Allahu ta’ala ‘alam, may Allah make us among those who continuously command the good and forbid the evil. ameen

JazakAllahu khairan for the suggestions! I’ll definitely keep that in mind next time, insha’Allah! :)

-Mouse

If I ever start talking about someone, my son immediately stops me. He says, “I don’t want to hear about it,” and I appreciate he stopped me from sin.

How to stop backbiting from going on? simply say: This is backbiting and we should not backbite or slander. Say it a million times. Better if you remember the hadith about “flesh eating your brother” mind you, you will NOT be popular and this is guaranteed. Be prepared to leave the gathering early and you will be the next subject of gossip instead. I have left many gathering early myself, it is easy because normally I am the elderly and my excuse is: old people needs to go to bed early. but my husband understand this because we are on the same level of thinking. It is difficult if one is there with parents or husband but still you can have intellectual discussions ahead of time about the malice of family gatherings. My advice is, if one really have no choice but to stay in that foul gathering, one can either:

1) Change the subject of conversation like, can anyone teach me how to make “roti” or biryani or anything. If that doesn’t work then,

2) Stuff the ears with cotton pads or stick the ears with some ear phones with Qur’an mp3 playing. At least you make use of the time memorizing a Surah or something. There are cell phones now with itunes that you can upgrade and download with your favorite reciters.

3) Bring some prepared Islamic quiz cards or games to get everyone involved.

4) Make du’aa for you and your family members.

sincerely and jazzakumullahu khairan for sharing this blog effort with us.

khawla